Original subtitles

[theme music]

- ♪ I'm goin' down to South America ♪

♪ Have myself a time ♪

- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

- ♪ I'm goin' down to South America ♪

♪ Leave my woes behind ♪

- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

- ♪ I'm headin' on up to South America ♪

♪ See if I can't unwind ♪

- ♪ [mumbling] ♪

- ♪ So come on down to South America ♪

♪ Meet some friends of mine ♪

["Rock and Roll Part 2" by Gary Glitter]

♪ ♪

[bell rings]

♪ ♪

- Hey, guys, it's lunchtime!

And it's Wednesday.

You know what that means?

♪ Sloppy joes! ♪

- ♪ Hey! - ♪ It's sloppy joes ♪

♪ Sloppy joes - ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Sloppy joes, sloppy joes ♪

Hey, Butters, you know what's for lunch today?

Sloppy joes. - ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Sloppy joes - ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Sloppy joes ♪

♪ Sloppy joes, sloppy joes, sloppy joes ♪

♪ Sloppy joes, sloppy joes ♪

♪ Sloppy, sloppy joes ♪

- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

- Cuy?

What the hell is cuy?

Uh, excuse me, ma'am,

the fuck is this?

It's supposed to be sloppy joe day.

- Yeah, well, South America Elementary can't afford

the rising cost of beef,

so you get cuy.

- What's cuy? - It's guinea pig on a stick.

- Ew!

- No, it's Wednesday. I want my goddamn sloppy joe.

- Well, then, go tell that to your goddamn politicians.

- [sniffs]

- I fucking hate South America so much, you guys.

- How the hell do they expect us to eat this?

- I swear, the school lunches just keep getting

worse and worse.

- This whole stupid school keeps getting worse.

- You guys, you guys, check it out.

I stole Bebe's brainrot on "Roblox.

Look! It's a Chimpanzini Bananini!

- Oh, my God.

- Check this one out.

Oh, oh, it's a Bambadilo Crocodilo!

- Nobody cares about Italian brainrot anymore, Dad!

That's so last year.

- Well, I'm sorry, Stan. I'm just trying to fit in, OK?

You know, it's not easy being the new kid at school.

- Then you need to go fix your problem.

Go see a doctor or something.

- You guys, the school has just murdered sloppy joe day.

What are we gonna do?

- Well, yeah, it's 'cause there's a national beef crisis.

- What are you talking about?

- I don't know-- fucking government

can't figure out beef.

So now I guess they're taking it from South America.

That's why you gotta pack your own lunch.

- The government's deciding what to do with our beef?

That doesn't seem fair.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

This whole town was built on the cattle industry,

now we can't even afford it.

- But then... who's eating our beef?

[jazzy music playing]

♪ ♪

- All right, folks, let me just mention our special

that we're serving tonight.

This is your extremely expensive Grade A5 beef

from South America.

- Oh. - Ooh!

- South America is a small town in the Colorado mountains,

and their beef is becoming very sought after.

- Uh, I've heard that South American beef

can give you kind of explosive diarrhea.

- Uh, it is sort of a richer beef, yeah.

Very buttery. Um, if you can afford it,

it's a must-try.

- All right, folks, here's your A5 South American beef.

There's a nice jus there on the side.

And you-- you can enjoy that with...

a little peppercorn crust.

Uh, I'll be back to see how those first bites are going.

[whispering] Go, go, go, go.

- Mmm!

Ooh, very tender.

It's very t--ah! [loud fart]

- Larry--ah! [fart]

- What, huh--oh, it is buttery.

[farts] Ah!

[farting]

- Hi, folks, have you heard about our special?

♪ ♪

- So then I told the lunch lady--

I was like, "Hey, you guys better step it up.

"I don't care if you can't afford beef,

we deserve good lunches at this school."

I really read her the Riot Act, you guys.

It was pretty hardcore.

Ah, seasonal special. That sounds nice.

- Next!

- Uh, yes, the, uh, seasonal special--

what is that today?

- It's a fresh, local guinea pig

on a honey-glazed stick.

- Honey-glazed stick?

Fuck you. I don't want that!

- Oh, well, then, we also have a braised macadamia nut

guinea pig on a coffee-encrusted stick.

- God damn it, we don't want guinea pig on a fucking stick!

Utter fucking bullshit, you guys!

- This is so unfair!

What the hell are we gonna do?

- Let's just face it, you guys, no more sloppy joes.

No more tacos. No more Salisbury steak.

- You know who would've known what to do?

Kenny.

Kenny wouldn't have stood for this,

'cause he had to eat school lunches.

'Cause he was poor!

Kenny always knew what to do.

- Hey, dudes.

I had a sweet idea.

- Nobody cares.

- OK, I just thought maybe

we could get some beef for the school.

- Wait, how. - Dude, don't engage him.

- Well, why don't the four of us

go talk to the local rancher?

Find out what's happening to our beef,

and then maybe we can save our school!

- Yeah, or maybe you could fuck off and go home.

- You really think the rancher would listen to us?

- I think it's worth a try.

C'mon! Goonies can do anything.

All right, Goonies, this is the place.

- Dude, Stan, why does your dad keep talking about gooning?

- [chuckles] Good one, Chunk!

- You call me "Chunk" again, I'll kick you in the nuts.

- Afternoon, folks.

Here for some beef?

- Yeah, we want beef for our school cafeteria.

- Tacos, Salisbury steak, sloppy joes.

We want to know what the fuck is going on!

- Well, the beef here in South America is the finest.

For that premium flavor,

all our cattle are massaged daily

and fed a diet of grass, imported olives, and beer!

- The cows get beer?

- C'mon in and see if there's anything you like.

- Wait, aren't these just the same cows

that have always been here?

- Well, yes, but now we have a much higher clientele,

you know,

And all the rich people in other states

want a premium experience.

Now we got influential people

coming in and out of here all the time.

They're saying cattle are gonna be a big factor

in what happens in November.

Don't know what cows have to do with "Grand Theft Auto VI,"

but whatever.

- So then what about all the locals

who can't afford the beef now?

- Yeah, we're getting fucked!

- Oh, see, that's what everyone's saying,

but we've still got some lower-cost inventory.

How about Destiny here?

She's a little older and leaner,

but comes at a lower price.

What do you think, you wanna take Destiny back to VIP?

- To VIP?

- Yeah, you can take her back to VIP.

I'll set you up with some champagne.

- Hell yeah, we'll go to VIP.

["Cherry Pie" by Warrant playing]

- ♪ She's my cherry pie ♪

♪ Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise ♪

♪ Tastes so good, make a grown man cry ♪

♪ Sweet cherry pie ♪

- Whoa! - Holy shit!

- All right, that'll be $25,000.

[jazzy music playing]

♪

- Oh, yeah, that's a good steak--

[farts] Ah!

- Uh, waiter?

- Yes, sir?

- What is he having?

- Oh, uh, I believe he's enjoying

the South American beef.

It comes from a small patriotic town

in the middle of the country.

- Did he just explode with diarrhea?

- It is more of a richer beef, yeah--little buttery.

- Well, I'd like to get some of that.

In fact, I think we all would.

- I'm so sorry, guys, but I think that was our last one.

- What?

- The South American beef is really popular.

We just can't keep up with the demand.

- Well, that's just ridiculous!

I'm an American, and I'm very patriotic!

Now, I want some South American beef, God damn it!

- Mrs. Chris's!

Another table has demanded South American beef.

- I know. I can't even get this rancher in Colorado

to answer my calls!

- What are we supposed to do?

- Ma'am, more people just walked out.

Everyone's furious!

- This South American beef was supposed to be a solution,

not a crisis.

Shut the restaurant down,

and everyone get ready to travel.

If South America won't give us their cows,

then we'll take them instead.

[cow moos loudly]

- Sir, please,

can't you see that by exporting all our town's cattle,

you're hurting us locals?

- Sorry, boys, but I told ya,

if you can't afford the beef, you can't afford the beef.

- Do you have any idea how much school sucks?

Our lunchtime is all we have. - Yeah!

It's bad enough we have to deal with quizzes and homework,

and our bitch moms--

fucking yapping, bitching all the time--

- Dad!

Get--get over here.

What are you doing?

- Well, I'm trying to get beef for the school--

- You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

- Oh, come on, Stan, we're just having fun.

- I'm not having fun!

- You're not having fun?

[engines roaring]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- We got a problem.

There's a steakhouse here demanding more of our steaks.

- Is it Ruth's Chris's?

- No, it's worse.

Texas Roadhouse.

They're completely Ruth-less.

♪ ♪

- Our customers are angry.

We need our South American beef now.

- Look, I'm sorry, but we're just a little behind

on production.

- Yeah? Well, you better step it up!

Like it or not,

your cows have become more important than you can imagine.

ANNOUNCER: Live from affiliates all over America,

this is "Countdown to November."

- November is just around the corner,

and many believe concerns over beef

are going to play a critical part

in the fate of our country.

- People are furious, and they should be.

Everyone has a right

to delicious, juicy, South American beef.

And it's wrong that it isn't affordable to everyone.

REPORTER: And what about some people who say

you don't even eat South American beef,

that you eat tofu?

- Well, that's ridiculous. I love South American beef.

REPORTER: Well, that's great, because we have

some South American beef right here.

- Oh.

Actually, I just ate not that long ago.

REPORTER: But you said you never turn it down.

Do you not like patriotic South American beef?

- Of course I do. I love America. I--

There we go. Mmm. I love me a--

[farts] Ah!

[soft music]

♪ ♪

CARTMAN: ♪ Sloppy joes ♪

♪ Sloppy, slop-- ♪

♪ Sloppy joes ♪

- Chunk?

What are you doing, Chunk? We can't just give up.

- What do you mean? It's over.

- Yeah, face it, dude. We lost.

- No, it's not over.

We still have each other.

And Goonies never say die.

They have their world out there,

but in here, this is our time.

And if we can just--

- Stop talking to my friends

like they're your friends.

- I'm just saying, maybe we can rally all the students.

You know, make a giant protest.

- When are you gonna realize

that nobody wants you around, Dad?

- Oh. OK.

Sorry.

You know, Stan, be nice if you cut me some slack sometimes.

All I'm doing is trying to connect with you.

- You are pretty rough on him, dude.

- What? - Yeah, I get it.

Caring about something isn't cool.

But--but maybe we can get some of the other kids

to forget that and care a little bit.

- Little Randy's right.

We can't give up.

We gotta get everyone involved.

- No, you guys, this is done, OK?

- OK, Stan, then we'll do it without you.

The truth is, everyone's a little sick

of your attitude.

ANNOUNCER: Live from our nation's capital,

this is "Countdown to November."

- November is looming,

and beef prices are on everyone's mind.

But some are trying to downplay its relevance.

My guest is a wealthy CEO from Florida

who says that the importance of beef is overrated.

Is that what you think, sir?

REPUBLICAN: That's right, Mike.

There's so many great proteins out there, you know?

Like ground turkey and lentils. That's all I really eat.

- You've never had South American beef?

REPUBLICAN: No, no. What's the big deal?

I mean, good lentils are just as rich and buttery as--

- Sir, you look a little like you've had South American beef.

REPUBLICAN: Mike, a protein is a protein is a protein.

Like some nice, juicy edamame.

My wife eats nothing but edamame every day.

Isn't that right, honey?

WIFE: Oh, yeah. Beef is too hard on the figure.

I prefer edamame.

And my tits are real.

REPUBLICAN: Your tits look great, honey.

WIFE: Oh, stop, you rascal.

KIDS: We want beef! We want beef!

KYLE: All our local cows

are being exported to high-end restaurants.

And meanwhile, our school lunches suck more and more.

ALL: Yeah!

We want beef! We want beef!

- So us dudes are asking all school kids

to join us and fight for our beef.

ALL: Yeah!

Little Randy! Little Randy!

Little Randy! Little Randy! Little Randy!

- If we unite together,

then we can fight these damn steakhouses.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

RUTH: Beautiful speech, boys. Bravo.

My name is Ruth Chris,

and unfortunately, you have no idea

the forces you are meddling with.

This entire country is about to change.

And if anyone is going to control your beef,

you want it to be Ruth Chris's.

We are taking control.

- Mrs. Chriseseses, we have a problem.

The South American cows have all just been hijacked

by Sizzler!

- What?

[gunfire]

[mooing]

[mooing]

- That's our sloppy joes!

[dramatic country music]

♪ ♪

NARRATOR: What does a man owe the land?

November is coming.

Time when people will show what they stand for.

And if there's one thing all Americans love,

it's a bullshit cowboy.

The kind that grew up in the suburbs

but then bought a truck, threw on a cowboy hat,

and ripped on city people

while working out in their private gym.

The kind that fly to their vacation ranches

for the weekend and then talk about

how they're victims of the system.

But if you want people

to really believe your cowboy bullshit,

nothing's more important than what you put on your plate.

South American beef is now available

exclusively at Sizzlers.

It's about tradition, family, and loyalty.

Go on.

Prove who you are this November.

- Ah!

NARRATOR: Sizzler, because nothing says America

like beef from South America.

- I don't know what to tell you folks.

Sizzler done cleaned me out.

There ain't a cow left in town.

- There has to be something we can do.

We must have that beef.

- God damn it, lady, give it up already.

You people already sucked our town dry of sloppy joes.

What else do you want from us?

- After all of this, you boys still think

it's just about the cows?

[intriguing music]

People don't care about the cows.

They care about this country.

November is coming.

And everyone's freaking out because we have to choose

who will be in charge when we're all dealing

with something that we are not prepared for!

[sighs]

You wanna know the truth?

Then it's time you saw the truth.

A lot of good Americans died to smuggle this to us.

Prepare yourselves.

[upbeat music]

Look at that.

The graphics are seriously next level.

You see the worldbuilding?

[dog barks]

It's a dog taking a poop.

And people can pick up the dog poop.

You can throw things at the person with dog poop.

And if they choose to fight back,

you can pick up the dog poop

and actually attack them with the dog poop.

That...

is what's coming in November.

- Wow.

- Holy shit.

- Dude, that game looks fucking tits.

[soft country music]

♪ ♪

- Boy, things are really gonna change in November, huh?

- Yeah.

- Kinda puts a perspective on things.

- Yeah, it does.

- Stan, I'm sorry I've been intruding on your life.

I guess I just saw an opportunity

to try and be closer to you, and I blew it.

- No, I'm sorry, Dad.

You didn't choose what happened to you,

and I need to not yell at you all the time.

- Guess all that bickering and fighting won't be worth much

when November comes around, huh?

Things are really gonna change. I'm pretty excited.

- Me too.

- Seems a shame, though.

Not gonna have beef in the cafeteria.

- Wait a minute.

They said nobody even really cares about our cows.

- Yeah, it's just a battle over who's more patriotic.

- So then, this rancher could

inject anything with lard and butter.

- And people would be just as obsessed with it.

- That's it! Dude, that's it!

We can have all our cows back!

Don't you see? It's the perfect solution, you guys.

Mrs. Chriseses, you can have what you need,

the rancher guy can still make money,

and all us locals get to benefit

from our own local beef.

- My God, boys.

It just might work.

[refined music]

- All right, everyone,

we've got your patriotic meals right here.

This is your lime-infused, South American,

flame-seared guinea pig on a stick.

- Oh. - Oh.

- We recommend you start with the stick purée

before moving on to the stick confit.

And the chef has shaved the guinea pig's pussy

into a nice little landing strip.

OK, enjoy your South American meal.

[whispering] OK, go. Go, go, go, go.

- Well, it looks like a patriotic dish.

[farts] Ah!

- Oh, I love it.

[farting] I really--ah!

- [grunting]

[muffled] It's absolutely delicious.

[farts] Ah!

[farting and screaming]