Original subtitles

The key to any

successful relationship is

communication.

What do you think is keeping the

two of you from being able to

fully trust each other?

Most of the time,

things are good.

But out of the blue, we'll have

a minor disagreement.

And then we're fighting for

hours.

Vernon, what do

you think about what Becca just

said?

Pissed, dude.

Bummed. It makes me feel like

what the shit?

She talks to me like I'm

a child.

Because you are a

child.

Oh, really?

A child doctor, Becca?

A child doctor with a BMW 7

Series and a credit score well

into the five hundos?

He almost got fired

because, during a hip

resurfacing, he took his

sunglasses, put them on the

patient's testicles and took a

picture of it.

Very unpro...

Humor is a necessity

in the operating room.

Otherwise, we would collapse

under the sheer weight of the

human drama.

Guys? Right...

You fix tennis elbows

for rich people!

Do not tell me how to

do my calling!

Okay, guys, let's

take a breath.

And remember you're here because

you love each other.

There she is.

Is it possible that the problem

isn't between the two of you

but rather in the negative

external elements that are

influencing your relationship?

So, our therapist said

we need to cut out the toxic

elements, which means we just

can't have couples like you in

our life anymore.

Whoa!

We're not a couple.

We're just hanging out.

Wait.

Breakfast is still on you,

right?

Yeah, totally.

I gave them my card.

It's a Chase Saph, which means

when I use it at restaurants,

I double-down on the points...

Anyway.

Don't try to talk us out of it.

Okay.

Well, good luck.

Both of you.

So, I got an Xbox One

if you ever want to dork out

on some Madden.

Vernon?

I meant dork out

online.

We can't even headset-hang?

Will you please stop

thinking about Madden for

five seconds?

What are you doing

later?

I am interviewing

"Hollywood It Girl" Megan

Thomas for Coterie magazine.

Oh, she's hot.

Send me pics.

Nudes?

Yeah, okay, buddy.

If you think you can get Megan

Thomas naked, more power to you.

Well, I was kidding.

But as you said, "We're not a

couple," so legally, I'm free to

try, right?

Did it bother you

when I said that?

No, no.

It's important to set clear

rules.

Hey. This is on the curly

ginger, yeah?

All right, in that case, we'll

take some things to go.

Well, one of everything from the

left side.

Oh, and four of those souvenir

T-shirts.

Ooh, throw in a

large child's.

Hmm?

Killian.

Who?

>> ¶ I'm gonna leave you anyway

I'm gonna leave you anyway

Gonna leave you anyway. ¶

Okay, so, um...

...how does one

prepare for a role in which you

play a...

Sorry.

A tsunami widow?

Shut up.

Um, all right, this is the

official quote.

It was a singular pleasure to be

able to bring a story of such

courage to light.

Plus, I did, like, six weeks of

Haleo and CrossFit twice a day.

Feel my calf, dude.

That does indeed

feel like the calf of a

grieving widow.

Whoa!

You're a foot dude.

No.

Yes.

You don't

have to let go.

Does your girlfriend have

nice feet?

Oh, she's not

my girlfriend.

In fact, earlier today, she said

it straight out, "We are not

a couple."

Yeah, that's just

something that girls say 'cause

they feel like they have to.

No, she's not like

that at all.

She's actually challenged me to

try and get a...

a nude photo of you.

I mean, of course I told her

that would be completely

unprofessional.

We should get another

round.

Perfect timing.

I have great news.

What-- you found your

own place?

My therapist said I

should be alone as little as

possible on account of how I've

been waking up holding a knife.

Mm.

Wait, what?!

Ah, it's not

important.

Anyway, the news was I made

breakfast nachos.

Go back to the knife

thing.

Not just breakfast

nachos, breakfast nachos à la

Jimmy and Gretchen with the

peanuts on top because I know

how Gretchen likes the crunch.

Hey!

I got to go, bud.

I'll, uh, I'll walk

you out.

Mmm!

Me gusta.

I can't believe

Jimmy sent you naked photos of a

celeb.

I kind of dared him

to.

I didn't think he'd actually be

able to hit that.

You have to break up

with him-- big.

Ooh, what if we spray-painted

"pedophile" on his garage door?

I did that when my neighbors

left their Christmas lights up

too long.

I can't exactly be

pissed off.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Well, you at least

have to sleep with someone else,

too, or you'll resent him

forever.

That's feminism, Gretch.

That's what Susan B. Anthony

died for.

Do you even know

who Susan B. Anthony is?

She made an airplane

disappear.

Nope. What?

That's Amelia Earhart.

And she didn't make an air...

Whatever, history.

You happened already.

Let it go.

I'm not gonna have

sex with some stranger.

What about that

barista with the giant hog you

dated?

Venti?

The size barely made up for the

fact that his moustache was

connected to his sideburns.

It was like getting banged by

John Quincy Adams.

Exactly.

America's first black astronaut.

I'm so glad you

don't have a job.

Right?

Gretchen?

Oh, my God. Long time.

I know.

You're still working here.

Yeah!

How is your band?

Oh, our drummer was

scuba diving in Cancun and

somehow went deaf.

So if you know any drummers...

I will keep my ear

out.

Do you still have your van?

Yeah.

Meet me there in

five.

Oh, I wish I could.

But I'm a manager now and if I

abandon my post, my boss will

fire me.

Hey.

Hi.

Congrats on the photos.

Megan Thomas-- bringing back the

bush.

It was for a grieving

widow role.

You're not mad, are you?

No.

Like you said, it was totally

legal for you to do that.

Because we're not

a couple.

Yeah.

We're just two chill people,

being totally cool about stuff.

You can have sex with celebs, I

can bang an ex... which I did...

Which is great.

Because now we're even.

Sorry, you did what?

Yeah.

I ran into that barista from

Silver Lake Coffee.

Who, Grande?

Yes, that was his

nickname.

You're not mad, are you?

Pfft.

Of course not.

I'm just confused, because you

just used the word "even."

Because, technically, I slept

with a sexy, famous celebrity

I'd just met, while you just

re-banged a barista.

So that doesn't really count as

a full person, does it?

He's, like, half a person.

At best.

Didn't feel like

half a person.

And I've just

remembered his nickname: Venti.

I didn't want to

rub it in.

Nothing to rub in.

In no world does Hollywood It

Girl Megan Thomas equal your

chai wallah.

But hey, by all means, let's

call it "even."

Where you going?

I have stuff to do!

Ron Stitches

Show...

Welcome back to The

Ron Stitches Show.

I'm Ron and we've got Edgar in

Los Angeles, who says his

roommate's sex life is causing

him problems.

What's the deal, Edgar?

Well, Ron, I'm kind of

in a moral dilemma.

A moral dilemma or an

oral dilemma?

Oh, yes...

Ooh, now, the thing is

I really like my roommate's

girlfriend.

And you plan on hittin'

that, right?

Oh, yes...!

No.

No, no, no, no.

I-I mean as a person.

I really want them to work out.

The thing is... he slept with

someone else, and... I don't

know if I should tell her or

not.

Whoa, whoa, what?

Rat out your bro, bro?

Is this a prank call?

Cheryl, you're screening these

calls, right?

Or are you just sitting over

there playing with them big old

hooters of yours?

It's just that ever

since I came back from Iraq, I

haven't really met many people I

can talk to... and she listens.

First off, I'd like to

say thank you for you service,

soldier.

If I didn't have this God-dang

bee allergy, I would have been

right over there with you.

So talk to me.

You ever shoot that .50 cal?

I shot one in Vegas one time.

It was hell, man.

I got separated from my squad

somewhere between Crazy Girls

and the Spearmint Rhino and...

Actually, he's

right.

Linds!

Think about it.

Megan Thomas is a major score.

She's, like, totally

Hollywood's...

Don't say

"Hollywood's It Girl."

She is.

And Venti is old news.

He's previously taken dick.

PTD, if you will.

PTD.

Okay, so what if there's a guy

that I haven't...

taken, but I did maybe...

Slob on it?

Still wouldn't count.

You've got to rule out

previously taken or sucked

dicks-- PTSD.

That's what Edgar

has.

Aw...

PTSDs are half a

point.

Kind of like how a competitive

bird watcher only gets points

when he sees a new species he

hasn't.

Paul does

competitive bird watching?

I don't want to talk

about it.

Whatever.

The whole thing's stupid.

So finish it!

The sooner you put someone

behind you, the sooner you can

put this behind you.

Wow, Denver.

I've never met anyone who makes

their own furniture before.

That canopy bed sounds amazing.

I would love to check it out

sometime.

Well, finish up that

drink and I'll show it to you.

You see this headboard?

It's all salvaged wood!

Took me three months to

refurbish the hull of a Nova

Scotian haddock trawler.

I mean, as a black

actor, you're talking drug

dealer, athlete, judge... or

sometimes God, if you're old.

Do you know how many McDonald's

commercials I've been in as a

black actor?

I can hear that damn jingle in

my sleep.

I'm not lovin' it.

They lovin' it.

Don't you think,

now that 12 Years a Slave has

won Best Picture...

Man, y'all white

people love slavery movies even

more than you loved actual

slavery.

As a black actor...

So there I am, at

the after-party for Danny

Brown's latest album, and I'm in

this house in the hills, no idea

where I am, and I look at a

picture on the wall and I

realize it's Diana Ross.

I am at Diana Ross's house.

So I go to the bathroom, I grab

a hairbrush...

Yes!

That's what I'm

talking about!

Well, I'd really like

to try to get into writing

movies and teleplays, but

honestly, I'd be happy anywhere

in...

I'd call it "the biz," but I

just moved out here from Ohio

in the family minivan...

But...

And I'm out.

Wait!

Why don't you go get us two

more?

It's so awful we

have to feel any of this.

Lust, love...

Don't we have bigger problems to

worry about?

I am in a bar, trolling for

dudes, just to prove

something-- to who?

To Darwin?

To myself?

It is embarrassing and beneath

us is what I am saying.

You know?

Not really.

But I will say, if this Darwin

clown is not treating you

properly...

he's a goddamn fool.

I mean, sure, he

sleeps in flannel pajamas with

socks, and yes, he spends six

weeks of every summer at a magic

camp for adults and...

Okay, he has an allergy to soap

and we have to buy him that

special oil for dogs... but he's

my husband.

And he doesn't deserve for

anybody to be mean to him.

Ever.

How could anyone not

like Paul?

I know!

Paul.

You like that?

I don't know.

Wait.

Move me, like, six inches right.

My face is way too near that

booger.

Hello, Padre.

Hello.

I have a dilemma.

I... I know this secret, and I

can't decide if I should tell.

If I do, a lot of people could

get hurt.

Son, your situation

reminds me of a sermon I just

delivered.

I related Paul's Letter to the

Corinthians to individual

moral responsibility.

What I said was...

Wait, how did I put it?

I said it so good.

Terry was there.

Terry!

Damn it.

Has anybody seen Terry?

No?

Anyway, the gist of it was

listen to your own conscience,

but at the same time, don't do

anything that could cause harm.

Oh, well, it's just

that if I sit on this, it could

get even worse.

What is the nature of

this information?

I've said too much

already.

Thanks.

I know what I have to do.

Yeah, it's me.

I think we got another Snowden

on our hands.

Hello.

Can't talk long.

I just wanted to tell you we're

even.

What, Venti again?

Nope.

We've both slept with someone

new, which makes us even.

So, yay us.

Wait, that's not even.

My person was a stranger, which

was one point, your person was

Venti, which was worth a half,

so I was one-half up on you.

But now with this new person,

you're one-half up on me.

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

Who cares?

Can't we just call it a draw?

Well, that's easy for

you to say, you're one-half up.

Now I have to sleep with an ex.

Yeah, okay.

Good luck with that.

Anyway, I gotta go.

Some work thing.

Bye.

Um, do you have a

work thing?

Because I don't have anything on

your calendar.

Hurry up.

You're letting all the cold air

out.

Well, I hope you're

here to repay the $300 you guys

somehow spent at breakfast.

Why does everyone hate

me?

I know it's weird to ask you--

you rightfully hate my guts.

But... but what's wrong with me

that I can't sustain a single

relationship?

Oh...

I hate emotional Jimmy.

Come in.

Everyone I care about

ends up hating me.

Why is that?

Oh, because you're

a narcissist with face-blindness

who, without hesitation or

consequence, uses people to get

what you want.

God, you know me so

well.

Can I have one of

those?

They're pretty

expensive.

I know.

I used to buy them for you

all the time.

Shut up and give me one.

So, um... where's

Vernon?

You just missed him.

He left to go do his rotation,

or as he calls it, his

"rotaish."

Oh.

I didn't know he did night

"rotaishes."

Oh, my God!

Jimmy, what the hell!

Oops.

Sorry.

Should... should I go?

Yes!

Obviously.

Oh, I forgot to

mention: we're even.

It's one and a half to

one and a half.

I bagged an ex.

Ah.

Who was she?

Just this girl...

Hillary.

You don't know her.

Unmemorable, but... pliant.

Oh, great.

So... we are even.

Are you mad?

No.

Why would I be mad?

It's all good, brah.

Why are you talking

like Guy Fieri?

'Cause, Jimmy, you

don't really want to know what's

on my mind.

That's not what this is.

We are just two independently

existing people who get together

to have sex.

Well, how do I

determine what we are?

You're the one who started this

whole thing when you said...

"Said?"

You're the one who did, Jimmy.

You did goddamn Hollywood It

Girl Megan Thomas.

Only because you said

I could!

And then I sleep

with one guy and you freak out!

It was one and a half

guys!

So you are jealous.

Why don't you just admit you

can't handle it if I sleep with

someone else?

Fine, if you admit

that you can't handle it if I

do.

Fine!

Well, then maybe we

should be "exclusive."

Is that what you want?

Ooh, yeah,

that'd be awesome.

Let's do that.

Yeah, great.

Great.

Guess we're "exclusive," then.

Wait.

Are we being sarcastic or are we

actually exclusive?

I got a little bit

lost in there somewhere.

But yeah... I guess we're...

exclusive.

Okay.

Cool.

Cool.

Can you believe

Becca and Vernon said we were

toxic?

Yeah, no kidding.

What a joke.

>> ¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh, oh

¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Sun on its cycle

Don't carry it away

¶ All light within it changes

Only the sun

Needs rearranging

¶ Darling, there's hardly

Anything

Burning faster for you

¶ You say, "Don't go, oh-oh"

Let go...

>> ¶ Don't go

Everything close

Oh, but you know

¶ Oh, let it go

Darling, there's more than

Anything burning faster for you

¶ You'll say, "Don't go, oh-oh"

¶ Don't go, oh-oh...

Farewell, she knew ya... ¶

Come in.

I know this isn't a

great time, but there's

something I have to say.

Gretchen, this is going to upset

you, and, Jimmy... you're going

to hate me for ratting, but--

Edgar, we're not doing

anything!

What's the awful

news, Edgar?

Uh, just that...

I was making you guys nachos

à la Jimmy and Gretchen, and it

turns out we're out of peanuts.

So...?

Make them without the peanuts.

Okay.

I will.

Oh, and, uh... you're welcome.

For the nachos?

Yeah.

For the nachos.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org