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I swear to baby Jesus, as I see you there now,

she was standing beside me in the bed.

What are you at, man?

How do you even know what Tom Jones' gran looks like?

Let alone what her ghost looks like, and why was she with you,

of all places? It looked like Tom Jones, but with just longer hair,

basically. Basically, the perm was all, like, evened out.

I can't wait to have a few pints at the weekend.

It's Baltic, man.

I know, but there's nothing warmer than a cold pint.

It's a gorgeous day. Smell that.

HE SNIFFS

It's just manure, man.

The smell of hope.

It's the anniversary of my great-grandmother, actually.

Lord rest her. Just when I get out here in the countryside

and I look up there towards space, I remember her last dream

was to be shot up there into space,

spend her last days in Mars floating around.

Right. Did you do it?

No, we brought her to Longford.

Listen to me, please, and listen wisely.

Go on. Try me.

It's a fact. The Beatles were essentially Irish.

They were. Balls they were!

No, famously Liverpudlian, like.

John Lennon's grandmother's from Omagh.

Colonial shaming, man, that's what that is. No.

All the Beatles except Ringo Starr had Irish roots.

Not a chance, man, I don't believe it.

Bob Marley, even. If you go back into the record books,

if you get balls deep into the record books,

Bob Marley was actually from Ireland as well.

That's a step too far.

Ah, sure I may as well just jump in there and go with the fish.

You're stuck in the past, man.

You're stuck in my butt crack.

Better than being stuck in that jacket.

Don't diss the jacket, whatever you do.

No wonder you're single.

I'm single by choice. You know that.

Yeah, but not your choice, like.

Well, someone's choice.

Dermot, the reason why I'm single

is I have some self-respect...

...for myself.

Right.

I'm not giving this body to everyone that flutters their eyelids at me.

But what are you waiting for? You're nearly 40.

37. You know that.

You were 38 last birthday.

You remember? It was just me, you, and your ma.

Oh, yeah, thanks for the chocolates.

And here's me final point, Dermot, right? Go on.

Donegan, Lennon, Cobain are all connected through Lead Belly.

How do you work that out?

Well, Lead Belly was directly inspired by Irish settlers

that went to America, so basically America wouldn't have music

if it wasn't for the Irish. Man, give over, that's just not true.

All 50 states, like, there wasn't a tune among them?

Not one tune.

Just loads of Americans dancing around in absolute silence?

I tell you what, man, that's why there's no videos of them.

I mean, fair play to us, we're a mighty wee country,

but there's no way everyone in this shop was influenced by us.

Look at the vast expanse of music around you.

You can't say it all started here.

Like, he doesn't know her, she doesn't know who they are,

like, miles apart... Are they, though? Are they?

Are they, though? They are.

When you think about the connections that could be made indirectly?

What is that?

Indirect connections.

That's straight. If you need a dance to explain your theory,

you're falling apart. I'm just saying, you can

connect everything through... What is that?

That's quite nice, actually.

Sort of therapeutic. It is quite relaxing, actually.

What if we stick some speed on it? Aye, I see you.

I don't think I can stop.

I'm enjoying this. BELL TINKLES

Oh, morning, Sadie. Hi, Sadie.

We're actually closed at the minute.

You know what? Come on in.

You should be closed for the amount of business yous two losers do

in here. There's a nice way to say that, I'm sure.

Sadie, I hate to sound like a broken record,

but, erm, you can't actually be smoking in here.

You know, council.

Tell him, Sadie, where does all the good music come from?

Oh, Africa.

Africa? As in Toto?

Africa as in Africans.

Oh, Africa, right, yeah.

Took it to America with them on the slave ships,

then it became the blues.

Then Presley stole it off them, and the Stones stole it from Presley.

See? What do you mean, "You see?"

It's a mixture of the same thing we were saying. No, it's not.

Anyway, stolen or not, Sadie, the Stones knew the blues, like.

They do in my hole.

The Africans were expressing pain, that's where the blues comes from.

What's Jagger sad about?

Run out of supermodels to ride?

Look, my tongue is hanging out of my head for a wee smoke here.

Who's holding?

I don't smoke any more. I gave up.

You did in my hole. Cough it up.

Sadie, I quit them. Too expensive.

Oh, well...

...you've been saving, then.

Couple of pennies... That's good.

Must have my rent, then.

Well... rent's more like an abstract concept, you know.

How do you define...? What is rent?

How much of it do you have exactly?

Well, that's the million dollar question.

And it's not a million dollars that we've got.

I can see you're pressing me for a number,

so, erm, off the top of me head...

...I'd have to check the books.

Shall we check the books, Elvis? Check the books, yeah.

What happened to the £10 that was in here this morning?

Erm, we got those chocolate fingers.

Oh, man. £10?

Aye, well, we had more, but now we've got less.

£10? You haven't paid your rent in three months.

I thought it was four months.

Three months, three months, yeah.

I stand corrected, Elvis. Four months.

Sadie, the thing is, since the streamers have come along,

it's getting harder to flog the hard stuff, you know.

I'll give you ten days to pay me in full, or you're out.

Right, ten days is a wee bit unfair, you know. We'll do our best.

Ten days. Yeah, yeah. No, I heard that.

Ten days is fine. Yeah, I'm well up for that.

Ten days... Yeah. ..or I turn this place into a nail salon.

A nail salon would be ideal here.

Is he all right?

Jury's still out.

Ten days...

...or you and your shit will be out on the street. Yeah.

Right. That's fair. Thanks.

Be well. BELL TINKLES

Are you looking for a job, are you? I was scared...

Little job in a nail salon? Yeah. Manicures and pedicures, like?

She turns me on. What about it?

And there's a wee X for you there.

Oh-ho-ho!

BELL TINKLES Oh, shit, shit.

Action stations.

HE MOUTHS

No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah. Really?

OK, OK, OK.

SLOW BLUES MUSIC PLAYS

Great wee shop. I love it.

Thanks very much. Thanks.

Right, so...

...I'm going to need one copy of this one,

and you might as well do me a copy of the big one while you're at it.

Actually, give me three copies of the small one.

Right, erm, we don't actually cut keys here.

Why not?

Because we're a record shop.

No keys?

Oh, we have keys, but not those keys.

Well, where do I get keys cut?

Next door at the key shop.

Oh, right.

Thanks anyway. No worries. Thank you.

Great wee shop, though. I love it.

Thank you. All right. Be well.

It was working perfectly yesterday, then boom,

right in the middle of the results, the freaking thing quit on me.

We don't fix appliances. We're a record shop.

Well, what have you got all the record players

and speakers and stuff in the window for? Because it's a record shop!

Please, Dermot, please. Sorry.

We're so fucked.

Have you seen this?

Sean Kearney's gone.

And who's he when he's at home?

Sean Kearney, your man with the block head and the hat.

You would have seen him around town last week,

but not any more because he's dead.

God rest him.

So we have to go to that wake.

Why? We barely knew the man.

He's got LPs worth looking at.

Who's told you that? Johnny Murphy told me.

Man, Johnny Murphy talks crap.

Anyway, below the belt. You don't think the family...?

We're not going to a wake to buy a dead man's records,

not a chance.

Did his head get smaller or did his hat get bigger?

That happens when you die. Everything shrinks by about 14%.

All right, and who told you that?

Johnny Murphy told me.

Jesus, man, what did I tell you? That man talks bollocks.

SOMEONE CLEARS THROAT

My condolences again. So sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

He was a great man for the tunes.

And you are?

Baby Jesus on a bicycle, look at this.

He's taking it really badly, bless him...

Not bad looking.

He was a real pillar of the community, God rest him.

Get out!

I could give you 200 quid cash,

but I'd have to take them off your hands today.

What about 300 quid? Oh, it's a lovely spread you've got there.

350? I mean, the sandwiches look absolutely class, well done.

Let's say 400 quid. Get... out... NOW!

Nice one, Elvis, you fool!

HE VOCALISES

SONG ENDS

HUBBUB OF CONVERSATION

Yeah, all right, thanks very much.

That was one of my own ones. It's called...

Play Coldplay!

Yeah, yeah, a bit of Viva La Vida.

Whoo!

Right, that's my time, folks. Thanks very much. Drive safe.

Where do you think you're going?

Jake, look, I'm sorry, man, but I'm not playing any more. I'm done.

I'm finished. I'm out. What do you mean? I have customers here.

Aye, but they're not listening, are they? If I wanted to play

for myself, I could play at home. Mate, look, if you don't play

a few more songs, I can't pay you. Oh, you can't pay me? What a shock.

You haven't paid me for the last three times I've played here. Well,

if you keep playing that absolute drivel... If you want a covers band,

book a covers band. You booked a singer songwriter.

You don't get one without the other, it's a two-for-one deal, like.

Either way, if you don't finish off the night, I can't pay you.

You all right there, Rose, aye?

Ah, there you are. Did you play already?

Right, I'll see you in a bit.

Look, we need to talk.

Like, talk talk. SHE SIGHS

Dermot, can we please just do it tomorrow?

I've had such a long day, and I'm just knackered.

Oh, YOU'VE had a long day?

Yeah, I've had a long day.

I might lose the shop.

Ever since I was a kid, I've dreamt of living surrounded by music,

you know, selling it, making it, playing it, just sharing it.

And everything I've worked for, everything me and Elvis have built,

is just slipping through our fingers.

And no matter what we try, nothing ever works.

And I am this close to just...

All right, yeah.

No, you've had a long day.

Right, enough's enough.

Am I a record dealer or not?

Show me something.

Show me something, please.

Come on.

Right, what's out there?

Hello!

What's this?

Holy shit.

Dermot, we've talked about knocking.

I could be in here fornicating with myself.

Fuck up, you wanker. Check your emails. I sent you something.

No, I'm not going to bother, man. I've a long day. Check your emails.

I've a long day ahead of me. Just check the email, like. Right.

This better be good.

Oh, my God. Is that a Tommy Johnson?

Aye.

Have you seen what's behind it? Willie Brown.

It's got to be worth at least... Like, 40 grand.

I was going to say 50. He wants to sell the whole box for 30.

30 grand? Where are we going to get 30 grand?

No, not 30 grand, £30. Where are we going to get £30?

I don't know, but we'll find a way.

The devil that Tommy Johnson sold his soul to will guide us.

Amen to that. Where is he?

He's, erm, he's in Cork, so...

He's in Cork? Aye.

Cork as in the south of Ireland Cork? That's the one.

Bit of a trek, but we'll find a way.

So can we borrow your mum's car?

No. Their brand-new car, she's not going to give it to me.

Shit.

We could use the other one.

Your ma has two cars?

Yeah. Fair play.

But she'll take a bit of buttering, that's the only thing. Right.

Maybe we get those records, you can buy her the whole dairy farm.

Oh, shit, I'd better go.

Don't go on that laptop!

Oh, I'm going on that laptop, like.

What you been looking at?

Hiya. Hiya. How much for the slide?

Erm, 100.

No.

Erm, the horse? Maybe I'll get the horse.

How much is that? Er, 35.

OK, perfect.

There we go. Tap, please.

Whenever you're ready. Cheers.

It's declined that, actually.

Has it? Erm, OK, take that.

Thanks. Thanks. I'll see what I have.

What can I get for a five?

You're late. Yeah. You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

Yeah, there was traffic, Tracey.

I hope you at least brought her a gift.

I mean, I got her this, like.

Jesus, you are pathetic.

Daddy!

Sweetheart! How are you?

Good. So good to see you.

How's your day going? How are you? Good.

Got this for you. I love it!

You like it? Yeah, it's a little pony!

That's just for you. Hey, Elvis! How's it going, man?

Not bad. Hi.

Come on, honey, we'll say goodbye.

Tracey, I just got here.

We've got plans.

Bye, Daddy! Bye, sweetheart.

Love you! Love you too. Have a good day.

You too. Dave's booked the private screening room at the multiplex

for Lilly and her friends. Oh, has he, yeah?

You've done well for yourself, Dave?

Yeah, we've got a caterer and everything. You should come.

Yeah, Dad!

Yeah, Dad, come! Come, please!

You think so? Uh-huh!

Well, that's not a bad idea, actually. Yeah!

Er, you know what? I can't go tonight.

I just remembered, I've got to work tonight in the shop. But Dad!

I'm sorry, sweetie, but I have got you a lovely present.

What is it? I can't tell you.

Is it big? It's really big, yeah.

How big? Oh, we're talking really big.

Is it a pony? Possibly, yeah.

You'll find out soon, sweetie.

OK. Come on, we don't want to be late now.

Dad's buying me a pony!

Yeah, you've got the best dad in the world, haven't you?

Yep, I do.

A pony? Really?

You'd better have got her something nice this year,

or I swear to God I'll... I know, slaughter me like a sheep.

It's not about me, Elvis.

That little girl in there still adores you,

and I'd hate it if you broke her heart the way you broke mine.

And I said I'd slaughter you in your sleep.

I misheard you. Sorry.

Can you get fucking Dave to open up these gates?

LINE RINGS

Any luck? I don't think he's home...

Oh, hello? Hi, it's Dermot, we spoke last night about the records, aye?

Yeah, we, erm...

No, we're still interested, absolutely,

just checking the price is still £30.

What time we got to be there as well? All right.

Yeah, no, 30 works for us, absolutely.

No, grand.

All right, and, er...

Yeah, 12? 12 tomorrow? Yeah. Aye, we can do that.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye-bye.

40 grand, man, we are laughing!

Stick a record on.

Stick a record on! Of course I'm going to stick a record on.

♪ Come on, get it going, drop the needle, 40 grand

♪ Go, go, go, get it going, drop the needle, 40 grand

♪ 40 grand, 40 grand, 40 grand, drop the needle, 40 grand

♪ Problem solved, 40 grand, 40 grand, 40 grand... ♪

Good news, lads?

Aye, well, erm, we've sorted out the rent problem, aye.

Did you win the Lotto?

Kind of. Something like that.

You know, if I don't get my money by the end of this week,

this place is toast.

Aye, I'd say come back in two days. We'll be back by then.

Back? Where are you going? Off out on a wee spin.

Wankers. Bye-bye.

40 grand. 40 grand. 40 grand. 40 grand. 40 grand.

A pair of cheaters, them two.

Hello, boys. Come on, have a little dance, Mary.

Come on, have a little boogie. ♪ 40 grand, Mary's dancing.

♪ Oh, she's dancing, dancing Mary. ♪ Why are we dancing?

Cos we can, Mary.

Life is good, Mary. Life is good. Life is sweet, Mary.

There she is.

That? You want us to drive the length of the country in that?

Why not? What's wrong with it? Does it even run?

Of course it runs.

I think.

There's not even any seat belts.

Don't worry about the seat belts. They're for show. Come on, get in.

I don't know about this one. Do you trust me?

Never mind. Go on. Let's get packing.

What's in that?

Secrets.

What else you got?

Chair.

So we can sit down. Yeah, go on. Pop it in.

Right, and cable ties. You never know.

Toilet roll. Slainte. Could be handy in case we get stuck.

A wee night cap. Oh, I like that stuff. A pillow for your dreams.

The old umbrella. No, no, whoa, whoa.

An umbrella, no, we're not bringing that. What do you mean?

Do you want to be the laughing stock of the country? No, I want to be dry.

Glasses on, boy. Come on, let's go. Glasses on. Right. Let's have it.

Oh, come on, I want to freestyle something.

Um...

Uh... # Road, road, boys on the road

♪ We're two tiny boys and we're on the road

♪ Boys, boys, we're on the road

♪ We're two tiny boys and we're on the road... ♪ Here we go now!

♪ Road, road, we're boys on the road

♪ We're two tiny boys... ♪

HE SCATS

Bow, bow!

You know, what I just found out is that all ghosts are either

little kids or old people.

I know, I see it. You do have a point.

How come you never see, like, a middle age, like,

midlife crisis ghost? With like a mullet and keys on a chain?

Yeah, exactly. Or like a young lady in her 20s dressed

in Lycra and roller skates. Aye.

Surely someone's been killed in Lycra.

How's Lilly? Lilly was fine. Tracey was being annoying, as usual.

Dave was there. He's kind of my competition in a way, Dave.

He's taken my life over. He's kind of won, man.

He's a sound boy. Dave?

Mm. The fella that stepped in and took my life?

He's very handsome. Yeah, but what's behind all that?

What's behind all that? He's probably killed someone.

Look into his eyes next time you see him and tell me

that Dave hasn't murdered someone.

I'd gladly look into his eyes, man. Dreamy. How does a man accumulate

such wealth without killing people?

Business school, probably. Yeah. And a couple of these on the side.

IMITATES GUNFIRE

Did you see what that sign said? No, but I'm sure we're going

the right way because all the sheep are facing north.

Clear this up for you. Watch yourself,

I'm trying to watch the road. Sorry, am I distracting you?

You are kind of. Just trying to help you, man.

Sorry if I'm more help than hindrance.

Lord on a bike, give me a chance, please.

Oh, look at this place here.

Myself and Tracey used to come here all the time for a romantic picnic.

Oh, did you, aye? Back during the honeymoon phase.

Jeez. Honeymoon? Yeah.

Thought you went to Spain. No, not the actual honeymoon.

By that time, we hated each other. Oh, right. Yeah.

Thought so. Lots of tears.

Lovely, isn't it?

Delightful.

Who ever saw something like this and went, you know what we need?

Concrete. Yeah. Concrete will solve the problems, aye.

Wow, look at that. Absolutely stunning.

It's unreal. Yeah.

It's a wee bit boring after a wee while, you know? Yeah.

Shall we get going? Aye, why not? Let's hop off. Cheers.

# Day drinking in the sun

♪ Day drinking in the rain

♪ Day drinking when the streets are sinking

♪ Drinking to forget my pain... ♪

Got to pee, got to pee. Come on, make it swift.

Make it quick, man. Go on. No point in saying it.

How much is a horse? Doesn't have to be like a new horse.

Sorry, where are we at? Just talking like a ballpark figure.

Hundreds, thousands?

You buying a horse? For Lilly's birthday.

Do Tracey and Dave know you're buying a horse?

What's that got to do with them? Because it's a horse, man!

Yeah, but it's none of their business. I'm getting it for Lilly.

Are you keeping it at your house, aye?

No, I'm giving it to Lilly. Aye, and where's she going to keep it?

Like, in her bedroom? Under the stairs?

Not sure you've thought this all the way through, man.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, right? Right.

Just looking for a ballpark figure.

Doesn't have to be a new horse. It can be a second-hand horse.

I think all horses are second-hand, technically, when you get them.

Are you giving me grief? No, I'm telling you truth.

Stick it here in the van in case it rains, my old friend.

KNOCKING

Sadie? Frank?

It's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you.

It's got potential.

It does, surely.

It does, surely to God.

You're going to catch a lot of heat from the community on this, though.

Yeah, but you see, Frank, I...

I love the heat.

Plus, they're a bunch of hoors, the lot of them.

That's what this town needs, isn't it? A big hotel like this?

Foreigners spending their money up and down the town, eh, Frank?

Uh... what about the, uh, the tenants?

Oh, that pair of yobbos.

Don't worry about them. They're out of here.

I'll give you fair warning.

Mass evictions.

If this place isn't empty, we, uh, we won't get involved.

But I've told you, Frank. They're gone.

We're all alone.

How about we discuss this further

over a nice wee glass of wine?

Nice bit of lunch.

What about that, Frankie?

You don't mind if I call you Frankie?

No, that would be lovely.

That would be lovely.

Tell you what. I'll give my boss a call and see if we can't have

those contracts drawn up as soon as possible.

How about you give me a call once this place is empty?

Oh, I will do that.

And, Frankie, when the papers are ready,

you just give me a tinkle

and I'll book a table for us...

...for two.

Oh, on the house.

It's very sensual, Frankie. Thanks.

It was lovely to meet you.

It was lovely to meet you, too, Frankie.

Do you know, I was talking to a lad the other night there

on the dark web about some of those martial arts I was doing recently.

That's a lovely cow. I did a two-week online elbow course.

Just the elbows? Just the elbows.

Sharpest part of the body.

Sah!

That's not martial arts, man. That's just flailing.

That's you tripping over kerbs and stuff.

Yeah? Say that to my face, then.

That's you tripping over kerbs and stuff.

Well, say that to my face if we're on the street,

but when I'm driving, I can't respond.

Well, you know what they say.

It's better to be a gardener in the war than it is to be a...

I mean, it's better to be a martial artist in the war

than it is to be...

It's better to be a warrior in the garden than it is...

Who's been saying this and how long did it take him?

A couple of online gurus that I've signed up to.

Gurus? I'll leave you with this one.

Weak men create strong babies, but strong babies create weak men.

Right, so I'm going to have strong babies,

but then those babies will make weak men?

Unless they do the online elbow course.

Right, come on. Hop on out.

Do you know where we are? In the middle of nowhere.

Come on, man, don't play around. You know this spot.

Do I?

It's the border, man. This is not the border.

Aye, it is. What are you talking about?

Wait, hold on. No...

This. This is the border.

What are you looking at that I don't see?

Come on, man, you know the spot.

Like, this is north of the border.

I'm south of the border? No, you're not.

I'm north of the border, I'm south of the border.

Look, this is where we come from

and this is where we're going. This is south of the border.

Looks like just a road to me, to be honest. It's just to you.

Look, I'll give you a visual representation.

So, like, aye, around about sort of here,

this is the border. Yeah. OK. Right here.

Breathe it in, man. It's special. Smells like shit to me.

Think of the journey ahead. VEHICLE APPROACHES

Car, car, quick. There's a car coming.

HORN BLARES

I saved your life.

I almost died back there, man.

Yeah, that sort of thing can happen when you're a complete bollix.

Here, man, I'm not all right. I'm a wee bit... Wee bit shaky.

Yeah? Like...

...what would have happened if I died?

I suppose I would have had to continue on to Cork.

Like fuck you would. I need the money!

For the shop, the pony for Lilly.

I mean me driving to Cork with a dead friend in the boot

would have been really sad.

You'd have put me in the boot?

Well, do you want to go in the backseat there? I don't mind, like.

I want it all gone, Frankie boy.

Are we having anyone pack up all the merchandise?

Gone. All of it. Back to the bare walls.

Want all these records gone too.

Aren't we saving anything?

You could save yourself a boot in the hole, Frankie, and do as I say.

OK, I'll run the numbers and see who we have available.

It'll be done tomorrow.

Don't forget.

We have our lunch date.

To sign the contracts.

See you.

Don't worry, I'll be there.

Oh, look, Bundoran, 20K. Can we go?

Fancy cinema? Aye, what'll we see?

Apparently, there's a very scary movie about sharks.

Johnny Murphy was telling me. Sharks? Yeah.

What's scary about sharks, man?

You'll soon find out.

Here, man, that wasn't scary at all.

I was quivering, man. Why would you be quivering?

Well, as cartoons go, that was scary.

Shark with legs, though. Hmm?

That'd be scary. Shark with legs. That's kind of one of my nightmares.

Is it? Yeah, just like the idea of, like, a shark with legs,

just attacking you. It's running at you.

Should we run the other way and get some chips? Yeah.

Wanting a chip? Nah.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

I love your jacket. Is that Elvis? Yeah. That's my name.

You're joking. No, I'm serious.

I'm named after Blondie. Is your name Harry?

No, Deb... Ah!

I've seen them live twice. Any good? Yeah, brilliant.

Yeah.

Is that The Basement? You know them?

Did you make that? I had to. They didn't make it themselves.

No way.

It's beautiful. Your whole look is just perfect.

Thanks. I like all your buttons and stuff.

Yeah? Do you want to swap jackets? Nah.

Green's not really my colour. OK.

Come on, let's go.

I'd better.

Yeah. It's nice to meet you. Yeah. You too.

Yeah. See you, Harry.

SHE LAUGHS

Mate, I'm all out of luck. How are you getting on?

I think I'm in love.

All right. I think I'm in debt.

Shall we? I genuinely think I'm in love.

All right, what about all that saving yourself bollocks?

Good news? Just business stuff.

We're about to get started out there.

Last chance to call off the wrecking ball.

Oh, wreck away.

Right, then. You better sign your life away.

Get started, then.

Oh, man.

Know what that used to be?

It's sacred ground.

This was the old Astoria Ballroom.

Everyone played there.

You name them, they played it.

Music royalty.

The scenes at this place were the scenes.

Unbelievable.

You won't get anywhere like this again.

Not today. Not a chance.

Wish I could have played...

Elvis!

What are you at, man? Elvis!

You all right, man? What's going on?

I was at a concert here many moons ago.

What, at the Astoria?

Class, who'd you see?

Meat Loaf.

I'm sorry man. That's... That's rotten.

Bit of luck, maybe no-one saw you.

My old man brought me.

God, he had some sick sense of humour, then.

I know you don't like to talk about him and we don't have to,

but do you have any idea where he went?

Birmingham.

Birmingham like... Like England, Birmingham?

Alabama. Right.

That's where all the money was to be made as an Elvis impersonator,

so that's where he went. Right.

Then he turns up in my life again when I'm 15.

Brings me to Meat Loaf.

We get steamed, and next morning, I wake up and he's gone.

Like, gone gone, again? Yep.

Back to Birmingham. Alabama?

England. Keep up.

Left me £50 and a note.

Spend this wisely.

And that was it.

Shit. Yeah.

Look, he didn't owe me anything, so.

Aye, but come on, man. He was your dad.

Like, that's got to be rough.

I just don't want Lilly to see me the same way I see my dad, you know?

Come on, man. You're joking, right?

Cop yourself on.

You're nothing like him.

No? I mean, you're there, aren't you?

Try to be. You're a good da, man.

Come on, let's get ourselves a pint.

But you're driving.

Aye, we'll take a wee break. We'll be all right.

We got time. Just for one.

Just have the one.

Each, though. I'm not sharing.

Can't get too drunk. Supposed to be on a mission here.

Eeny, meeny...

COW MOOS

Hey! What are you doing on my land?

Was he not happy with your performance?

GUN FIRES

Jesus Christ, you're going to get us killed!

Sorry!

You're always shooting my boyfriends!

Car's not sounding too healthy.

No, it's not, is it? What about yourself?

Good night?

Woke up in a chicken coop.

So standard, then? Pretty much, yeah.

How you doing, buddy? Do you mind filling her up with juice?

And if you don't mind checking the oil as well. Yeah.

Um, do you mind if we get changed? Is that all right? Sure.

Dermot, can I borrow your phone? What happened to yours?

The chickens took it. What do you mean the chickens took it?

In the chicken coop, remember? God, man, you're a liability.

Come on. I always give you my phone.

Here, take it. Cheers. I'm off on the hunt for the hair of the dog.

Yeah, get me a pint there, will you?

Cheeky. Cheers.

Hello, Dermot. No, it's actually Elvis. How are you getting on?

Elvis? Why are you calling me on Dermot's phone.

If I told you, you wouldn't even believe me. It involves chickens, though. Is Lilly there?

I still can't believe you said you'd get her a pony.

Yeah, I'm buying her a pony. What about it? A pony? Really?

Yeah, it's like a small horse.

I know what a fucking pony is, Elvis. OK.

She's done nothing but talk about that damn pony since you left here.

Really? Are you trying to absolutely break her heart?

Tracey, I'm getting her a horse. What's the problem with it?

You can't even afford new shoes.

I can afford new shoes if I want to buy them.

But I like these shoes. They're aerodynamic.

You can't go on doing this to her. You can't keep letting her down.

I don't want her growing up with you as a role model

for what a man should be. Tracey, I'm not looking for a lecture.

Can you put Lilly on the phone, please?

Is that Daddy?

I'm warning you.

Daddy, I thought of a new name for the pony.

Oh, really? What is it? If it's a boy, I'm calling him Presley.

Oh, that's a lovely name. What if it's a girl?

Preslee but with an extra E. Preslee!

I think that's such a beautiful name, sweetie.

It's one of the best names I could think of.

What colour is it? It's brown.

I was hoping you'd say that.

I can't wait. Definitely brown.

Go on, honey, you go get your homework done.

OK, Mummy. Bye!

If you let her down on this one, I swear to God...

Tracey, look, I know. I know what you're going to do to me,

so just leave it up to me. I'm going to get her a horse.

Now get off your own high horse, please. Thank you.

Can I get a pint, please?

You all right? Yeah.

I need a fucking pony.

You asked for a fucking pint.

You don't have a pony back there, do you?

Do I look like John Wayne?

Right, forget the pony.

Which one of you cowboys are paying for these drinks?

A pint.

I don't have my wallet. You what?

I can't find my wallet. You don't have your wallet?

Oh, right. And you were going to buy a pony!

Come here, right.

Do you have my wallet? Obviously not.

I don't have it. Where is it? Must have left it at the farmer's.

Right, I'll sort this out. Don't worry. All right.

Can I get a packet of peanuts back there, please?

What are you at?

Leave the pint, man. I have to.

Thanks, boss. Come on.

Sorry!

Oh, God. Some legs on the boy!

Come here!

YELLING

Come on, then!

Drive!

What? Close the door!

That barman. Aye, had some legs on him.

Fast, fast boy. Pulled an absolutely delicious pint, though,

in fairness to him. It was a stellar pint.

Absolutely gorgeous. We'll have to stop in on the way home.

Oh, yeah. Pay him back. Pay our dues.

Here, man, what are we going to do?

Like, two boys, not a wallet among us.

Like, we're two for zero, like. What's next?

What do we do for the old...?

We should call Rose.

Rose? Rose, yeah. Why?

Because she might have a few quid to borrow you.

We split up, man. You and Rose have broken up?

Aye. Since when?

Tomorrow. I don't know, I need to get around to it.

So she's single now, Rose?

I'm just curious. She's single, is that what you're saying?

You're going to pretend like that's a joke?

It's a very sensitive time for me, actually. I'm sorry.

Big D's demolition.

Time's money, lads.

Wee D, you're out the back.

Medium D, shift yourself.

Double D, bathroom.

You want everything out? You don't want to keep anything?

You better wash those hands, you dirty boy.

That was a phantom poo.

Who are you on the phone to?

Sadie. Sadie? Hold on. Wait for me.

Here, give us the phone. No! Give us the... Fuck sake.

Fuckwits.

Not you.

Hello? I'm not passing near the phone, man. Wash your hands first.

Morning, Sadie. Let me talk to her. Let me talk to her.

Are you well? How are you this fine day?

Aye, no, we're not too bad ourselves now.

Are you still on your wee trip? Aye, no, we're all good.

That's fantastic. Have you got my rent?

No, we're on our way to get the old money for you, so we're going to...

Tell her about the chicken coop. Chicken coop?

We're on the road... Don't touch me with those hands!

Not you, Sadie. No, no, no. Touch me when you like.

Hello, Sadie! Anyway, we're on our way to getting the old, uh,

the money for you and all that, but, uh, we are getting the...

We've a lead on some records we think we'll sort out

our finances a bit.

Well, that's...

That's exciting, isn't it?

That's wonderful. Why are you ringing me?

We're a little bit strapped for cash at the minute, so, uh...

Och, you wee lambs.

Well, sure, maybe I could wire you a few shillings.

Yeah, just a wee helping hand.

Where exactly are you?

Where are we? Where are we?

Uh... Last I remember is we just passed Knock.

Knock? Blessed be that holy place.

But listen, why don't you find a wee bank?

Send me the name, and sure I'll wire the money

and you can pick it up there. All right.

Is that so? Why wouldn't I?

All right. Going to give us some money. Of course.

Aye, no, we'll make our way there and, uh, all right.

Don't you worry, lads.

You just enjoy your wee spin. Thanks.

Thanks for being so understanding. All right.

OK. Be well.

Twats.

Big D, stick the kettle on.

She's going to help us out. Send us some cash.

We just need to find a bank.

You see those mountains over there?

They're the same mountains that are connected

to the American Alopecian Mountains.

Alopecian? Mm.

Mate, that's the... That's the bald lads.

Do you mean the... Appalachians?

Appalachians, yeah.

It's a bit like the Loch Ness Monster kind of carry on.

How do you mean? Well, he sometimes comes over to the north of Ireland

as well, you see.

He comes over here? He comes over here, yeah.

What about the fella with the big feet?

Jeremy Beadle?

I don't know where we are, man, to be honest.

I could have sworn...

This is looking familiar, man. Maybe try left here.

Go to the left...

No, I think that's north, man. Yeah? Aye.

Think it could be down that way. Go on, check your map.

Why don't you check your phone?

The phone doesn't have maps, does it? It's a flip.

OK, yeah. Not a fancy boy. That's fine.

I'm nearly sure south is that way. What do you mean, you're nearly sure?

I have an internal compass. I've got an internal compass. Since when?! Since I was born.

That's not been playing on this trip at all.

I've had it since I was born.

I've never been lost. Watch this. All right. I'll trust you.

See, I told you we were going the right way.

That sheep was facing north. If sheep are facing north,

then you're going the right way. It's like a sheep religion.

Sheep religion? Yeah. Right, well, what about that one there,

facing the other way? Could be an atheist.

All right.

Where to now, Marco Polo?

That way. Actually, I think maybe it was the other way.

Maybe. Maybe?

No, it's definitely... It's definitely down this way.

Has to be.

Here. Old lad. Maybe he'll know the way.

Yeah. Let's put it in here for a second.

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Just my friend seems got us lost,

and I was wondering, could you, uh...

Lost, are you? Yeah. Aye. Yeah. Could you help us?

I suppose I could. Great.

We're looking for...

I'll tell you...

Where, where, where did you say yous were coming from?

Uh, we didn't, actually. Tyrone.

Well, where are yous trying to get to? Cork.

Oh, Tyrone to Cork.

Yeah. Well, now, that's a tough one.

You know, I don't think you can get there from here.

What? Right, well, forget about Cork for a minute.

We're also looking for a bank, so if you know a way to get to a bank.

A bank? No, no, no, no, no. You couldn't reach a bank from here.

I'll tell you though what. I'll jump in the back

and I'll take you someplace you'll be able to get there from.

How's that? Aye, all right. OK. Come on.

Peter, you get in the back there. Peter?

Here, I don't want to be rude or anything,

but what's with the fox, man?

Well, that's Peter.

All right. How are you going, Peter? Are you well?

How long's he been departed?

Eight years. Oh, God.

He's looking good for it. Good wee fella.

You better pull over.

You'll have no luck driving past a nun.

Bless you, boys.

My feet were killing me there trampling along.

Are you the father?

Am I fuck!

I mean, no, sister. I'm not.

Well, we're all family. God's family.

You too.

Are you going far? Cork.

Oh, great. So are we.

Um, do you know the way? I don't. He knows how to get there.

No, I don't. You're just after telling us you do.

No, I didn't. I said I could take you to a place

that you could get there from.

All right, well, I'm sorry to get bogged down in semantics

and to interrupt the lovely flow of conversation,

but, um, we need to find a bank and then a petrol station.

We're almost out of fuel. Listen, lads, the good Lord will guide us.

He sure will. Look at this holy, sweet mother of fucking...

What's that? Ah!

♪ Shadows in the valley

♪ The dusty sunset hay... ♪

Lads, there's no room now in the back here.

Well, I mean, she can sit up the front with me if she wants.

I mean, she can sit there in the middle.

No, she'd be better off back here. There's more room.

How y'all doing?

Think you can squeeze little old me in there with y'all?

Yes. Yes.

I don't think there's any space, really now.

Where is your Christian spirit?

Hiya. All right. Hi. How you going?

So, uh, so you're American, aye? How'd you guess?

Oh, I guess I've just got some ear for the accents, like.

So, um, what do you do for a living, like when you're back home?

I'm a stripper. Oh!

Very good, aye. Very nice. Have you ever been to America?

No. Not yet, but, uh, I'm planning to.

Oh, are you, yeah? Aye, I am.

Well, if you ever come through Texas,

you can bunk with me.

OK, I think it's time that we all said

a little decade of the rosary.

Would you look at that? This is my stop right here.

Thanks for the lift home, lads. Now go straight here,

you'll see a sign for the main road.

Shows you straight to where you need to be, lickety split.

HE LAUGHS

Hail Mary, full of grace The Lord is with thee

Blessed art thou among women

And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus

Holy Mary, Mother of God

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Why are we stopping?

We appear to have run out of fuel.

Oh, Jesus. Sorry.

Hope these girls know how to push.

I saw a sign. We're not far from the nearest village.

Well...

Come on, lads. Are you two even pushing?

I am pushing, sister. Just a bit of muscle into it.

Almost there. Yeah?

All right. Oh, God. That'll do.

Now, where did you say you were going? I was just going to hang out,

grab a drink, find myself some place to sleep,

and head down to Galway tomorrow morning.

Don't be silly. Sure I'm going that way. Come on with me.

If you want, you can stay with us in the car.

We've got lovely leather seats, you know. Quite comfy.

We can make it work.

You think the Lord doesn't see into your souls?

Come on.

I fucking hate nuns. Aye, well, forget about nuns for a minute, man.

We need to find a bank and get Sadie to transfer us that money.

DIALLING TONE Christ.

Just saw two pigeons scissoring over there. Lovely.

There's no movement on the money, man.

No? Nope. The bank's after closing in, like, ten minutes.

I think Sadie's been playing with us.

So what you're saying is we've got no money for fuel,

no money for accommodation, no money for anything.

Is that what you're saying?

Well, it wasn't what I was saying, but I guess it is, aye.

That's great. Yep.

Right, we're screwed, so.

It's a nice wee bench, though.

Yeah, we can't sleep here, though, can we?

Oh, fuck. Jimmy the Fist's in town. Who?

Jimmy the Fist. Yeah? The Fister himself.

Fucking hell, we should head down.

Do you fancy it?

You've got to pay to get in so.

Ach, don't be worrying about that. Jimmy and me go way back.

Oh, you do, yeah? How far back?

Couple of years, man. You know him? Yeah, I know him.

I'm not joking. We used to play a couple tunes together, like.

Ah, don't look at me like that! You know Jimmy the Fist?

I do. I played with him. Where? Around.

All right. I believe you.

We'll go for a look, so, if you want. Aye, yeah.

I'm not going sober, though. Sure, who's talking about going sober?

What are you...? Who's talking about going sober?

Oh, you fucking legend!

And if you're hungry, if a man ever gets peckish,

some bread there. You should have quit while you were ahead, man.

Peanut butter.

Aye, that's it, come on. Lovely stuff. Mm-hm.

If you look into it, the Egyptians, they didn't even build the Pyramids.

I'm telling you, aliens from planet fucking Zuzu...

Nah, give over. PHONE RINGS

Hold on. Who's that? Getting a call...

I don't know, I haven't answered yet, have I?

It's... Hello?

It's your man with the... All right, no.

No, we're on our way, we just had some, er, lubrication issues

with the car and had to drop it... Ask him about the money. Shut up.

Had to drop it off at the... No, not you.

We popped it in the garage and... HE WHISPERS

Oh, right, no. No, fair enough.

Aye, no, we should have told you. Sorry. Our bad. Erm...

No, we'll be there. No, no, no. No, hold them for us.

And still 30?

I know.

Yep, no, no, no. No bother.

All right. All right, see you tomorrow.

Mm-hm.

What did he say? If we're not there by noon tomorrow, we're fucked.

Right, well, it's time to get serious, then. Aye.

How you going, man? Erm, I'm a friend of Jimmy's,

so, erm, would you mind, like, having a chat and getting us in?

A friend of Jimmy's? Is that so?

My friend over there used to knock about with the Pope.

All right, well, good to have friends, like.

Erm, my name's Dermot. If you mention it to Jimmy, he'll know...

Listen, son, I think you've had too much to drink.

All right, there's a nice way to do that. No need to be aggressive.

Do you think I was born yesterday?

Now get out there before I knock the both of yous out!

Dermot! A thousand blessings. Is that you?

All right, aye, good to see you.

What are you doing down here? It's a long story, man.

Oh, yeah? Yous here for the gig, are yous? Aye, that was the plan.

Leah, these two boys are with me.

Come on through. Jimmy's going to be real happy to see you.

Come on. No worries.

Say hello to His Holiness from me, yeah?

BLUES MUSIC PLAYING

Did you play with these lads before? Yeah. Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

That's one we call The Big Fish Shuffle.

And, erm...

Oh, I think I must be dreaming.

There's an old friend of mine here, ladies and gentlemen.

This guy's name is Dermot.

Dermot, you've got to do a song with us now, I think.

All right. Go on! Come on. Come on up here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good to see you. Good to see you. All right. Have a seat.

What do you want to play?

THEY WHISPER

Why don't we do that one that you wrote

that we used to play all those years ago?

All right, yeah. All right. Way back.

OK. Yeah, we toured together. We toured together years ago,

so I think I remember it. Yeah, that's...

We'll give that a shot. How you doing? Good to see you.

Erm, I'm not precious, boys.

Just join in when you find it, like.

♪ Laughs for the lonely

♪ Money well spent

♪ There's nothing else for it

♪ When your back's broke and bent

♪ Take all you can now

♪ Come back for more

♪ Nothing is easy

♪ When you've given it all

♪ A true friend is hard to find

♪ One that you won't forget

♪ Don't give up just yet... ♪

Harry? What are you doing here?

Oh, Ireland's not such a big country.

You could walk it in a week. Or you could cycle it in a day.

You could thumb it in an hour. SHE CHUCKLES

♪ There's something strange in a promised land... ♪

They're good. Very good.

♪ And nothing is sacred till your maker is met... ♪

THEY WHISPER

♪ For all you know, Jesus wept

♪ A true friend is hard to find

♪ One that you won't forget

♪ Don't give up just yet

♪ A true friend is hard to find

♪ One that you won't forget

♪ You're the best I've met... ♪

You're a good da, man.

♪ A true friend is hard to find

♪ One that you won't forget

♪ Don't give up just yet... ♪

So how's, er, your friend?

Er, let's just say we're not friends any more.

Oh, sure. It happens to the best of us. Mm.

♪ And your money's well spent

♪ But you're the best I've met

♪ We laugh for the lonely

♪ And your money's well spent

♪ Laughs for the lonely. ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Just you wait right here, OK? OK. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah?

SHE CHUCKLES

Let's go. Come on. What do you mean? Let's get on the road.

I'm all right. I'm staying on.

What are you talking about staying on? Come on. It's getting late.

Drink up. I'm grand. You carry on if you want. I'm good.

We're getting the records tomorrow. Forget the records.

What are you talking about? I've been chatting with the boys.

and they said if I go to America, I can make a real show out of it.

What about me? What about the shop?

Forget the shop. It's gone. We're not getting it back, man.

It's not done, man. Let's just finish that drink...

Fucking let it go, man! Fuck the records. Fuck the shop and you.

Safe travels, man. Here, will you keep it down?

I'm trying to enjoy my night here.

Who do you think you're talking to, pal? Here. Get out of me way!

Who are you talking to? Start something, you start on me.

GLASS BREAKS

SHOUTING

Hey, hey! Well, lads, how are you?

Hey, it's, er, Dermot and, er, Elvis?

Yeah. Anyway, listen, lads.

The landlord has decided he's not going to take any further action,

so basically, you're free to go.

Yes? Sorry. Was there anyone here last night looking for me?

You were expecting visitors, were you?

Possibly, yeah. Like a girl with, like,

long black hair with beautiful, deep blue eyes.

Oh, yeah, yeah. HE CHUCKLES

Well, you see,

Angelina Jolie, she called in last night and said

she'd be waiting for you at the runway with the private jet.

HE CHUCKLES

Now, listen here, you pair of gobshites.

Why don't you do us all a favour

and fuck away off back to Tyrone or whatever hole you come out of?

Because, believe me, there'll be two more bodies in the bog.

HE CHUCKLES

Ah, sure, it was great meeting you.

And if you see Angelina, tell her I was asking about her.

Angelina Jolie! You pair of gobshites.

HE CHUCKLES

So what now?

Do what you like, mate.

I need a walk and some fresh air alone.

All right, suit yourself. Aye, I will. Yeah.

I will. Do.

All right? All right, yeah.

Is this seat taken? Mm, it doesn't look like it.

All right.

Look, I'm ready to hit the road and get going whenever you are,

so say the word. Yeah, go for it.

What do you mean?

Wherever you want to go, you go for it,

but I'm going to Cork alone.

What are you at? No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Catch yourself on. I'm coming with you.

You're coming with me now, are you, after last night? What about it?

All that bullshit you were talking in the pub. Yes, I am, it's our journey. You going to America,

all that stuff? Fuck the shop? Mate, I am going to America. That's still the plan. Yeah.

I just need these records first, like. Yeah, I'm going to get the records.

I found these records. I'm going to sell them, and I'm going to make the money

and I'm going to give you half, and that's it. Wise up, would you?

I'm coming with you. It's our journey.

Yeah, sure. Some journey this is. You know what?

Go on. Do what you like. I'm not your da.

I didn't mean YOUR da. I just meant das in general.

I wasn't... Have a drink on me.

Elvis... I'll see you around, yeah?

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello?

Sorry, who's this?

What do you mean, who's this? You called me. Who's that?

It's Dermot.

Dermot? Sorry, have I got the right number?

Is that my phone, is it?

I thought it was MY phone.

Hello?

Hello?

Really, Rose? Jake?

It's not like that. It's just... Save it. I don't want to know.

Just...

Anyway, you've done me a favour. I was calling to tell you it's done,

so thanks for the ride, have a nice life, and be well.

"Hello, boys. Kindness receives what kindness gives.

"Safe onward journey."

God, I love nuns.

♪ A true friend is hard to find

♪ One that you won't forget

♪ Don't give up just yet. ♪

Dermot. All right? Felt sorry for you, so I came back.

Aye, sure you did.

Let's do this.

Right. What are you doing, man? Hold on.

ENGINE STARTS Do you hear the sound of that?

How'd you do that, man?! I'll give you one guess.

You're joking.

No way. Yeah. Kindness receives what kindness gives.

All right, well, what are we doing sat around here? Let's go!

All right! Patience.

Dermot! Hey.

Are we there? No, no, no, I just wanted to ask you,

what's your favourite... mermaid?

Like, what's your favourite cartoon that had a mermaid in it?

You... You woke me up to ask me what my favourite mermaid is?

Oh, no. I'll do all the driving and talk to myself, then, will I?

I reckon we're almost there, like. Keep going. Yeah? You sure?

Yeah. Keep driving, man. You sure now? What are you stopping for?

Just keep moving.

We're almost there. Just straight up this way.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm driving. Fine.

Right, I reckon we're good.

Pull up here and we'll do the rest by foot.

Yeah, this is it. Right. With ten minutes to spare.

Sweet deal. Smashed it. What's going on here, though?

What's the story here, man?

This'll be the guy.

How you going, boss? Are yous boys here about the records?

Hi. We are indeed. I'm Dermot, the one you've been chatting to

on the phone. Sorry, you're a bit late.

Well, sorry. We came as soon as we could, like.

No, no, no, you're not late for me. You're late for the records.

The records are in that van with them bailiffs.

Sorry.

Hold up! Hold on!

Hey! Wait up! Oi! Crikey!

Boys, there's two people chasing after you!

Can you not see us, like? We're right here?

Boys, please, come out and talk.

Oh, thank God. All right.

Good to see you. Jesus, lads, what's happening, like?

Well, erm...

You have a package inside that van that we need to retrieve.

Listen here, lads. We have our instructions.

"Take everything,"

not, "Take everything except for what you two gobshites want."

Boys, there's money in it for you. Aye.

There is. Oh, yeah. What do you mean?

Hold on. Hold on a second, lads.

Talk away amongst yourselves there.

Look at that.

Where'd you get that? Thanks, Dad, wherever you are.

You've kept that the whole time? Of course I have.

I couldn't get rid of it. Look at you! I love this jacket.

You look great in this jacket! I've always loved this jacket!

Lads, this is Sterling.

We can't spend this muck down here. It's not worth a shite.

Mate, get yourself down to a great new club in town.

It's called the bureau de change.

Yeah. If you pop that in, 50 euro or more, depending.

Couple of cocktails. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, boys.

Go on, lads. Go on. We'll take it. We'll split it.

Tap that boot for us. Oh! She's lovely.

Look at this. There they are. Look at that. Come on.

All right. All right, lads, thanks. Cheers, boys. Be well.

Good luck. Have a good one. Show us a look.

Just hold them for me.

This will be the one. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

We still saying that's...? 40. That's 40, isn't it?

Unbelievable. Be careful. Gently. That's maybe, like, a five.

That's a four. That's... That's three. I mean...

We've done it!

DERMOT LAUGHS

All right. OK. Well, we'll, erm...

What do we do with it? Erm, well, erm...

Well, I guess that's...

We should, erm.

Kindness receives what kindness gives.

Keep them covered, man.

It's a good workout. Aye, grand.

This is doing absolutely sweet fuck all.

Man, I know it's the right thing to do, but it's 40 grand gone.

I know. I kind of feel like we shouldn't really go back.

It's too late now.

Where's he gone?

Oi! Oh, he's over there.

All right?

What are you doing here? ♪ 40 grand, 40 grand... ♪

Hold on a second.

♪ Wave goodbye to 40 grand. ♪

Do you not want them now? How you going?

Erm, well, we do, but we've got to be...

We've got to be honest with you.

Erm, this one record alone is worth £40,000. 40,000.

Except I just gave it to you.

I know, but this one's 40 grand.

I mean, that one is at least five, and a small fortune here,

so, er, it's not right for us to take it.

But how would I sell them? Clearly, I can't sell records.

I just sold them to you for £30.

The usual route that you take

is you'd find someone who knows what they're dealing with,

and, you know, they'd sell them for you.

Would you guys consider selling them for me for a commission?

Ah, no, we couldn't. Well... Could we? I mean, it's your call.

You can do what you need.

Anyone I brought in would be looking for a commission to sell them, so...

Yeah, yeah. It is very true.

WHISPERING

Say real words, man. What are you saying?

10%? 10%. Aye, we can go for 10%.

15% minimum. Good man yourself.

Now you can go and buy your stuff back.

You know, since my wife died, I'm out of here.

My plan is to go and live out my days with my daughter in Tyrone.

Tyrone! Tyrone? You're talking to two Tyrone lads here. Aye?

We're born and bred, like. Yeah. Wow. Aye, we're, erm,

we're driving back that way today, actually, if you...

If you need a ride, we can pop you in the back.

Give me a lift to... Aye? Take a ride? Aye, of course.

Course we would. Give us a few quid for fuel, yeah, you'll be fine.

Don't be cheeky. There's always a catch with Tyrone boys.

But, yeah, I'll take you up on that deal.

Wait here a minute. I'm going to go into the house,

get me stuff, and I'll be right back out to you.

All right. No worries. Lovely stuff.

Go on. Grab your bits and... Take your time.

We'll be waiting right here with your...

It's a nice... It's a nice feeling, doing something good.

Yeah. For someone good.

I need to get my hand off there, man.

Do you see that?

Oh, Christ.

Is that your horse?

So great to see you.

Oh, fantastic to see you. Molly! Come on, let's go in.

All right, aye. Aye, no worries.

Sounds good to me. All right. Well, be well.

That's the second offer on the Johnson, man.

Yes! Yes! The rent is sorted. Fuck you, Sadie!

Wait. Where's the sign gone? Hmm?

I'm sorry about your shop. Yeah, I'm sure you are.

I think you should come with me.

Please.

I've got some tape in the car.

Right.

How?

Sadie hired us to clear the place.

I figured you'd want it all saved, so... I saved it.

Thank you.

Oh!

Thanks, man.

Hey, don't be silly. We're family. Yeah.

This is my building. If you boys like the space,

I'd be happy to take you on as tenants.

Good work.

Now, if you gents will excuse me...

...I've got one last piece of business needs attending to.

God, he's some man for one man, like. Aye, he is.

Unbelievable.

Oh. There's your drink. Thank you.

Can I help you with anything else?

No.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting on someone.

You're waiting for Frank. Frank works for me.

Frank couldn't be here. And you are...?

This is an in-depth structural evaluation of your premises.

As you'll see, page two, paragraph four,

I have marked the section on foundational concrete rot.

Corrosion, insufficient reinforcement of steel,

dry rot in the roof and floor beams, and high levels of lead,

asbestos, and other toxins in the water. It's all right there.

I've taken the liberty of filing a complaint with the LBC.

LB who? Local Building Control.

Oh! Of course.

And as you'll see from their notes, turn to page six...

...they're recommending a complete tear-down of the entire building.

SHE LAUGHS

But what about the hotel?

Oh, no. There'll be no hotel.

No, you see, what you will have here once the LBC is finished with you

is essentially a big empty space.

Now, if you do need a good demolition company for the job...

...Big D's Demolition, that's me.

I'm Big Dave.

And if you decide to try and mess with my good pal Elvis...

...you'd better think again.

Have a great day.

Mind your business!

All right?

Here, my poor wee Bucky has been off his food for two days.

Right. Sorry to hear that. He had wild bad diarrhoea last night.

I brought you in a wee sample just to show you the...

It's fine. Put that back in the bag. The vet's next door.

Is this not the vet's? It's a music shop.

Oh. Come on, boy.

HE SIGHS

Oh, there he is. What about you?

All packed? Well, aye, that's me packed up and ready to go.

Oh, aye? Yeah.

Got your socks and your jocks and just...

Aye, just bits and bobs. That's great man.

Aye. I've been doing a bit of research on the old, er,

history of the US of A. Oh, yeah? It's a fascinating country man.

I guess so. And, you know, er, Oklahoma?

Yeah. Aye, that, actually used to be called "Oklaomagh"

because of how many of us went over there, like.

Sure. Yeah. Let me guess. Oh, aye, it was Johnny Murphy.

Johnny Murphy. Yeah.

Fierce man for the information, you know.

I'm going to miss this place.

Well, there's plenty of record stores in America anyway, so...

Aye, but not like this one. Mm.

I want the first copy of your album when it's done.

And I want you to come back here and do a gig for us.

I'm going to invite everybody and tell them that...

...that's my friend Dermot.

Bridge Street. Bridge Street.

Right, well, best be off. Yeah. Erm...

...look after this place. Yeah. Of course. ..while I'm away.

Come here. Come on.

Love you, man. Love you too, mate.

Right, well... Yeah.

All right.

Be well. Yeah.

Nut Germs by Dead Goat

This one's for you, man.

♪ Who's gonna tell you?

♪ Who's gonna tell you...? ♪

BELL TINKLES

Debbie. How did you find me?

Ireland's not that big of a country.

You walk it in a week.

You could cycle it in a day.

You could hitch it in an hour.

♪ Who's gonna tell you?

♪ All the superstars

♪ Hangin' on the door

♪ Who's gonna tell you...? ♪

So what did Tracey say

when she found out you got that pony from that old man?

Well, she said she's not going to murder me in my sleep, anyway,

so that's a bonus.

You having a nice time? Yeah. Yeah?

Be careful now. OK.

Don't be going too quick, OK? Yeah.

But do enjoy yourself, yeah? I will.

Where did you learn to do that? I don't know.

She's so good. Did you learn that on the internet? No.

I bet you learned that on YouTube, didn't you?

Do you know what the difference between a horse and a pony is? No.

About three pints.

SHE CHUCKLES

How many did you have? I'm going to have a few more now.

You can't leave the child on the horse! Ah, she'll be grand.

♪ Who's gonna tell you?

♪ Who's gonna tell you I don't live here any more? ♪

♪ Laughs for the lonely

♪ Money well spent

♪ Nothing else for it

♪ When your back's broke and bent

♪ Take all you can

♪ Come back for more

♪ Nothing is easy when you've given it all

♪ A true friend is hard to find

♪ One that you won't forget

♪ You're the best I've met

♪ A true friend is hard to find

♪ One that you won't forget

♪ Don't give up just yet

♪ A true friend is hard to find ♪ Laughs for the lonely

♪ One that you won't forget ♪ And your money's well spent

♪ You're the best I've met ♪ But you're the best I've met

♪ Laughs for the lonely

♪ Your money well spent

♪ Laughs for the lonely. ♪

♪ You and me

♪ Two friends in good company

♪ Singing the same tune

♪ We'll be together

♪ We'll be just fine

♪ We'll leave our worries far behind... ♪

Have a good one, guys.

Hello, girls. Hello, Gerry. How are yous?

Hope you've been behaving yourselves.

All right, Jack, how's it going? Well. Good man.

All right? I am indeed, thank you.

Good morning, girls!

How's it going, lads?

How are you? You all right?

Lovely morning, isn't it? Beautiful.

I personally think that tagliatelle is the best kind of pasta.

You've got it all wrong. The, erm, what's it called?

The shell ones. They scoop the sauce in,

they keep it all nice and contained. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Like, shellatinio, is it? Yeah... No, I don't know. And...

Shellio?