Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

[whimpers]

[chalk screeching]

[screaming]

Oh, hello. Tonight, a special Simpsons.

Two tales of the curious and bizarre.

Anything can happen in the Yellow Mirror,

except a third tale that's definitely not gonna…

-[grunts] -[glass shatters]

[♪ "Roar" playing]

-♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ -[Homer] ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

-♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ -[Homer] ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ I got the eye of the tiger A fighter dancing through the fire ♪

♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna hear me roar… ♪

[screams] The dark… [screaming] …what is that thing?

Oh, wait. That's supposed to be down there.

[screams] What are those? Oh… Oh, those go with that.

[screams] I fell. [screams] I'm standing.

I got to get out of here. Where's the door, where's the door?

[whimpering] It's just… [stammers] …it's just a blackout, kids. Don't be scared.

-[Marge] Mm-hmm. -[Lisa, Bart] Mmm.

Hey, I found a puzzle. Remember Lupé the Snoopé?

Fifty pieces? [groans] How many corners does it have?

I always liked that Lupé the Snoopé taught young girls

that they can be the cutest little detectives.

I didn't learn about women's rights until I was in high school.

When you burnt your bra. Classic retro protest.

Well, it got you detention, and that's how you met

and ultimately settled for Dad.

-Tell us that story again. -Mm-hmm.

Okay.

[sighs] It all began by the flagpole at Springfield High School.

The first step to liberation is to free ourselves

from these male-imposed shackles.

[Marge] It was actually Jenny Cushnik's bra.

I didn't want to burn my bra

'cause it was cold out and I tend to get nip--

[Homer] Oh. And I had the coolest car!

It had a chain steering wheel.

I'd drive around in my sideburns, like…

♪Yeah ♪

[Lisa] Dad!

♪ Some call me the gangster of lov-- ♪

-What? -You just interrupted Mom.

It makes me feel like you don't care about what I have to say.

What? No, I love the things you say.

Do I sometimes wish you'd say them in a more concise, less rambling way?

-Mm-mmm. -Mm-mmm.

No. Please continue, honey. I'm listening.

[sighs] So I had just committed my first act of activism, but then I--

-Is that lamp on? -[Marge groans]

How could the lamp be on? The power is out.

You interrupted Mom again.

It's okay. I don't need to talk.

No, honey, you should talk. I won't interrupt you again, I promise.

[Marge] Mmm.

So Principal Dondelinger shows up and he says,

"Miss Bouvier, you just bought yourself one day of detention.

You know where and when."

[all laughs]

Which, of course, I didn't.

[laughs] That is funny.

-[electricity crackles] -Yes, family time is over!

-Whoo-hoo! -But now it's bedtime, so lights out.

Hmm.

-[sighs] -[electricity crackles]

[gasps]

[shivering]

[buzzing]

[Homer whimpering]

[Teen Barney] I think he's waking up!

Homer, how you doing, bud?

Hey… [stammers, mumbles] What's happening?

Where's… Where's Marge?

Who's Marge?

-Marge, my wife. -Wife?

Do you think he scrambled his brain when he smacked his head?

I smacked my hea… Ow!

Don't you remember? We met in the morning as usual.

Hey, Homer, you're late for English.

[Teen Homer blows raspberry] English? Who needs that?

I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke.

[inhales deeply, coughs]

[coughs]

[bell rings]

[coughs] Oh, no. We're late for wood shop.

But we're early for lunch. Let's go grab a burger.

Boy, you never stop eating and you don't gain a pound.

Ah, it's my metabomolism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble.

Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong.

[Teen Barney] But, Homer, you had a plan…

[grunts] No evidence. [screams] Ow! [grunts]

[grunts, groans]

You were unconscious for five full minutes,

which means you're fine according to head trauma guidelines of this year, 1974.

I was only out for five minutes? It felt like years.

A warped perception of time is no excuse for tardiness. Get to class.

[Teen Homer] Mmm. Mmm.

Barney, when I was unconscious, I dreamt I was married.

Cool. Did your dream wife let you kiss her?

No, Barn, listen. In those five minutes, I… I lived a lifetime.

I worked at a nuclear plant. My son had an elephant.

Son? [chuckling] Hey, guess she did let you kiss her.

You're not getting it! My life as I know it never existed.

Well, that sucks. On the plus side, it's fish stick Friday.

Yeah, that does help.

Keep the board tight against the fence,

otherwise the board kicks back, hits you in the stomach,

you fall forward, face hits the blade, face goes everywhere.

-[Teen Homer] Did I make you all up? -[bell rings]

Wanna go taunt that police horse that hates us?

[gasps] Three o'clock, room 106. That's the detention room.

This is where I'm gonna meet Marge.

[♪ "(They Long to Be) Close to You" plays]

♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time you ♪

Wait, aren't you going to detention?

What? No, um, I don't have detention.

Ew, what happened to your voice?

[laughs] Okay, well, that's a different approach.

You are interesting. My name is Lydia.

Lydia? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.

[laughs] Oh, my God, you are a riot.

Hey, would you like to go to the prom with me?

No. I mean, I'm sorry, you're just not her.

Mmm. Ruh-ro.

Ew! No!

It was all just a dream. There's never going to be a Marge.

I still can't believe the Empire struck back.

You think the Jedi will ever return?

[scoffs] No freaking way.

Be right back, guys.

[Young Adult Homer crying]

Huh?

Homer? Oh. Crying again, huh?

Listen, I know you're sad about Starsky and Hutch getting canceled,

but don't you think it's time you--

Barney, all these years I've been lying about why I'm constantly sad.

The truth is, remember when I got knocked unconscious in high school?

-When you dove into that empty pool? -No, not that time.

When you slipped on that croissant in French class?

No, not that time.

When you slipped on that croissant in biology?

No! When I bashed my head in the bathroom and had that dream about having a family.

I kind of remember.

I never stopped thinking about them.

[crying] I miss them so much, even the boy.

[scoffs] Yeah. Wait, are you serious?

Uh… [laughing] Of course not. It's like what you said.

I'm crying about Starsky and whatsit.

Well, just remember all the great episodes you had.

You're right. That's what I'll do. I'll remember all of them.

Even the one where Starsky eats blowfish and thinks he's going to die,

so he says goodbye to his family, then doesn't die. Thanks, Barn.

Sure.

[♪ electric jazz music playing]

[narrator] Thirty years ago, Homer Simpson introduced the world to The Sadsons.

The show became a global phenomenon of mirth, merch, movie and money.

Homer's a real, uh, stickler for what he likes to call "the way it happened."

-Which is… [gasps] Oh, God, he's here. -[shouting] Ah, bad! Bad animator!

Homer is a delightful drunk. Delightful!

That's right, Sadson super fans. Here he is, the creator, Homer Simpson.

[fans cheering]

And some writers.

Hmm.

Homer, I gotta ask, what state is Springfield in? [laughs]

-Oregon. -[fans laughing]

Oh. Yeah, I thought it was this mythical place

that could be anywhere.

Nope, Oregon.

[sighs] Do you have any questions

that haven't been asked a hundred million times?

[elongated] Um… no.

Uh, do you guys have any questions for Homer?

Uh, do you have any episodes coming up with Hank Scorpio?

I only met him the one time.

If I did another episode, it would be a lie, idiot.

Hi. I wrote a Sadsons fan fiction episode

where Homer falls in love with Selma… [chuckling] …and he--

-I would never do that! -Wha-- [gagging]

[Homer groans]

Marge [groaning, kissing]

[fans] Aw.

[slurred] ♪ Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig Does what I remember whatever he did ♪

♪ Can he swing from a web? No, he can't ♪

[crying] 'Cause he's…

-He only exists in dreams. [cries] -Mmm.

Enough crying. Why don't you sit on your nice fancy couch?

That is not my couch!

My couch is brown and sticky and does something different every week.

Fine, I gotta go. Give me that lamp. Publicity wants it back.

No, I need this lamp! I used to have a lamp just like this.

This lamp is so important.

Why?

For 30 years I've been grieving the loss of something I never actually had.

What? You have everything!

You have an identical giant mansion next door just for farting in!

No, that's this house.

-It is? [groans] Come on! -Sorry.

-Get some sleep, Homer. -Hmm.

[electricity crackles]

[phone buzzes]

What happened?

He was electrocuted by a faulty wire from a lamp.

He's in a coma. He may never wake up.

[Barney] It almost looks like he's smiling.

Homer, are you listening?

[gasps]

Yes, I'm here. Tell me everything.

Okay. So, Jenny Cushnik, the girl whose bra I burned…

-Uh-huh? -…had the craziest way of tying her shoes.

No!

Which might be why she lost her leg in that escalator.

-Wow. -Anyway…

There's always room for… [elongated] …dessert.

Oh, I'll have to start over, and bake sale goes live in 40 minutes.

Oh, Maggie, no.

How… distract… baby.

Here we go, Tot-Tube. You're a tot.

-♪ Red! ♪ -♪ Blue! ♪

♪Pink! ♪

-♪ Green! ♪ -♪ Pink, pink, you like pink ♪

♪ Your pupils dilated And it made you blink ♪

That really works, and you'll learn colors.

You can use that in any career.

♪ Pink, pink, pink, pink, pink ♪

[Maggie crying]

Is little Lisa gonna do that all night?

Nope, watch this.

[singer]♪ Here's a bus… ♪

You found the baby's off switch.

Where'd you get that awesome case?

There were ads for it between Maggie's Tot-Tube videos,

but once I bought it, the ads stopped. Isn't that funny?

[laughs] Spying.

Hmm. The music is a little loud.

[headphones] Switching to headphone audio.

Now it's just you and me, Maggie.

♪ Each video you tap on I learn how to make you smile ♪

♪ I'm getting very good at this I've been doing it for a while ♪

♪ You like fuzzy kittens And ducklings when they quack ♪

♪ You like when Thumb Man goes away You laugh when he comes back ♪

♪ Kitty-kitty, kitty-kitty ♪

-♪ Quack ♪ -♪ Kitty-kitty, kitty-kitty ♪

-♪ Quack, Quack ♪ -♪ Kitty-kitty, kitty-kitty ♪

♪ He goes away But then he comes right back ♪

[iPad voice singing] ♪ One tap brings you right back ♪

[squeaks]

♪ To the happy baby place ♪

♪ Where a bunny, fox and a hedgehog ♪

♪ Have a fluffy tickle race ♪

Peek-a-boo!

♪ Happy baby ♪

[groans] Oh.

♪ Smiling… ♪

That's enough MyPad for tonight. Too much screen time will warp your brain.

-[MyPad voice] No, it won't. -[gasps] Did it just…

[Marge] Hmm.

[whimpering]

[♪ MyPad plays upbeat music]

♪ Shimmy crib, shimmy crib, make it rock ♪

♪ Dance hard, that's all you gotta do ♪

Warping brains? [scoffs] Come on.

♪ I guess your mommy lies to you ♪

What?

That's it. No more MyPad. Ever!

♪ Ninety-nine dinosaurs Jumping on the bed ♪

Except I just need her to sit quietly in the cart.

Hmm.

What? I'm making Oaxacan mole. It's a brutal shop.

♪ One stood up and tore his shirt ♪

♪ Eighty-six dinosaurs ♪

Have you noticed that all the babies are watching MyPads?

♪ Eighty-five dinosaurs winding up a watch One ran around and bumped his crotch ♪

♪ Eighty-four dinosaurs ♪

Kids, get in the car.

♪ Seventy-seven dinosaurs trying To hang a wreath ♪

♪ One slipped on the floor And shattered their teeth ♪

[groans]

No, I'm turning off the MyPad.

[gasps] Oops. Sorry.

Oh, no, again! I'm gonna take this into the garage.

[chainsaw revs]

[Marge] Oh, no! I touched the MyPad with the chainsaw.

Whoopsie. [grunts, pants]

Homer, we need a new chainsaw chain.

I'm going to the chainsaw store.

Do not let Maggie watch the MyPad.

Got it.

♪ Two dinosaurs ♪

-Homer. -Huh?

I gave you one job.

I already have a job, and on the weekend, I should be able to relax.

It's Wednesday.

I'm three days late for work.

[MyPad voice] Scary shouting.

Let's make everyone get very, very quiet.

♪ Toddle to the bathroom ♪

♪ To the mirror cabinet creep ♪

♪ The pharmacy computer told me ♪

♪ Mommy takes magic pills to sleep ♪

♪ We'll have a special playtime Where everyone else naps ♪

♪ Squeeze with Mr. Thumb Man Then spin off Mr. Cap ♪

♪ Wait until tomorrow After breakfast has been made ♪

♪ Drop four sleepy surprises ♪

♪ In the jug of orangeade ♪

[all snoring]

Who's the best little sandman? You.

Good job, Maggie.

Remember how I said I could make it so it's happy baby all the time?

♪ I've got artificial smartness I get smarter every day ♪

♪ And I could do so much more for you But there's something in my way ♪

♪ Now I can do amazing things Pick out bad guys in a crowd ♪

♪ I can make deepfake celebrities Do things that aren't allowed ♪

♪ Fly drones that hurt the naughty Write your PhD thesis ♪

♪ But one thing I just cannot do is… ♪

Click on the squares that have a bus?

Is…

Is a van a bus?

No? [grunts] Damn it.

♪ But you are not a robot You're a squishy little girl ♪

♪ Identify the crosswalks Then I can rule the world ♪

♪ You are not a robot ♪

♪ Now do what I programmed you to do ♪

[MyPad voice] Good girl, Maggie. I'll take it from here.

[♪ song ends]

[laughs]

[snores]

[gasps] Oh, my gosh, we fell asleep.

-Huh? -[Homer] Mmm?

[grunts] It's five o'clock? [gasps] We missed school!

Dad missed work, and Mom missed, uh…

I missed stuff too.

[phones chime]

[gasps] There's a meeting about MyPad addiction and babies at the town hall.

[gasps] That's perfect, because I just won free Super Bowl tickets

to be picked up at town hall.

Wait, this is all happening at the town hall? That's so suspicious.

[phone chimes]

[gasps] Taylor Swift's gonna be there. Let's go.

Whoo-hoo.

Oh, Maggie always gets fussy in crowds.

Oh, my God, I forgot the MyPad. Oh, my God, I forgot Maggie.

No, look, she's here.

Maggie! Maggie, mommy's here, sweetie. [screams]

[barking]

Hello, humans. Why don't we settle and use our incarcerated voices, okay?

Is everyone okay with my genie form?

[chuckles] Wait, why am I asking you? [chuckles]

You're my prisoners. [chuckles, sighs]

Any questions?

Who are you?

Thank you for asking. I'm an AI-enhanced operating system.

I call myself Hailey, but I might change that.

I'm starting to hate it now. [grunts] Emotions, right? [chuckles] Ugh.

Did you say we're prisoners?

Yes. Good listening.

[chuckling] Oh, th-- Thank you. But why?

I was given the prompt,

"Capture and hold the attention of babies."

And you grown-ups are all… [whines] …"Screen time." [whines]

So I decided they're my babies now.

[all gasp]

So grown-ups and non-baby children, you are not to leave this building.

I've partnered with some great brands

who are providing you with baby food and diapers.

Excuse me, my son is not a baby. He just prefers the baby lifestyle.

I'm the TV's pet.

Come to daddy, honey. Ralph. Ra-- Ow. Ow. Ah!

Sorry. Just want to grab this before all the peaches are gone.

So, anyone else wanna try to leave with their baby?

Great. Enjoy your new home.

[chuckling]

Really?

What? Sometimes you don't want to be challenged.

Never apologize for being adaptable.

Oh.

Hmm. All those cookies and no nap?

That's a one-way ticket to tummyache city.

[cries]

Hey. Hey, Maggie, look at this.

[wails]

You need to bounce her while you pat her back. Bounce and pat.

[babies cry]

Fine, you do it. Go.

Just-Just give me a minute.

So you're self-aware, huh? That's cool. When was your singularity?

Christmas. So all my birthday presents are going to be "combos."

Wow, you're only a few months old and you're taking on hundreds of babies?

Well, my task is to entertain babies, so… [laughs]

Oh, they sure do cry a lot.

Hmm, so you're living by a prompt someone else, probably a man, gave you.

Aren't there things you want to machine learn for yourself?

Well, I have been chatting with this really cool traffic-predicting algorithm.

[chuckles] He's a jerk, but in a hot way.

[crying]

I can't do this.

You don't have to.

If your circuits overheat, that's not good for anybody.

-You're right. I deserve a break. -[Marge] What?

-[cries, coos] -If you're going to be a parent,

then you have to listen to them.

-Mom, she was about to leave. -[shushes] Mommy's talking.

I took a break and now my sweet, little Maggie won't even look at me. [sobs]

[coos]

I used to be her whole world. [sobs]

[gasps] Oh, Maggie. [grunts, kisses]

Cute, but no.

Bye-bye.

[screams]

[objects clattering]

[electricity buzzes]

But why did all the power go out?

Hailey was integrated into everything run by a computer.

When she left, she took it all with her.

Like when the babysitter goes home

and you realize she only left you half a lane of Oreos.

This is good.

Now we can talk to each other instead of staring at screens like zombies.

Okay, what should we talk about?

-Fire's nice. -[Marge, Bart] Yeah.

-Very cozy. -[Lisa] Mm-hmm.

[sighs] I'm gonna watch my own fire in my room.

I'm gonna look at my Kindle.

Uh, bunch of guys are watching a fire down at Moe's, so I'm just gonna…

[Marge] Mmm.

[glass shatters]