Original subtitles

OZZY, LOUIS JUST CALLED ME.

JESSICA'S IN LABOR RIGHT NOW. YEAH?

AND BEN'S GONNA BE CALLING YOU SHORTLY WHEN THE BABY'S BORN.

WHO'S THAT, YOUR OLDEST DAUGHTER?

YEAH. JESSICA.

IT'S A BOY. IS IT?

I'M TELLING YOU IT'S A BOY.

ALL RIGHT.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

GIRL.

A GIRL! ISABELLE.

OOOH.

ISABELLE.

I DON'T KNOW.

Kelly: AND? A LITTLE GIRL.

AWW. OZZY. WHAT'D I TELL YOU, DAD? WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE A LITTLE GRANDFATHER.

DON'T (bleep) SAY THOSE WORDS!

♪ CRAZY ♪

♪ HEY, BUT THAT'S HOW IT GOES ♪

♪ MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ♪

♪ LIVIN' AS FOES ♪

♪ BUT MAYBE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT TOO LATE ♪

♪ TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE ♪

♪ AND FORGET HOW TO HATE ♪

I GOT SO (bleep) DRUNK.

I WAS DRINKING TILL 7:45 IN THE MORNING.

Jack: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I TOLD YOU

THAT I WAS OUT TILL 7:45 DRINKING IN THE MORNING?

YOU'D KILL ME.

I'M RESPONSIBLE.

WHAT WERE YOU DRINKING?

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS IN A TAXI, AND I GAVE THE GUY, LIKE, $20.

IT WAS, LIKE, A $5 CAB RIDE.

I WAS LIKE, "JUST TAKE IT." WHAT'S WRONG?

WERE YOU SWIGGING? AND HE GOES, "CAN I (bleep) YOUR ASS?"

I SCREAMED MY (bleep) HEAD OFF.

THE TAXI DRIVER SAID THAT? YES.

I GOT OUT OF THE CAR

AND WENT RUNNING DOWN THE STREET,

AND CARLY'S LIKE, "KELLY, WAIT!"

I'D HAVE (bleep) PUNCHED HIM.

A TAXI DRIVER ASKED TO (bleep) YOUR ASS? AND WE RAN IN -- YEAH.

AND WE RAN INTO THE FIRST, LIKE, BAR THAT WE COULD FIND.

AND I FELL ASLEEP IN SOME RANDOM PERSON'S APARTMENT

AND WOKE UP AND WENT HOME.

KELLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THIS HAPPENED

IN 24 HOURS.

UH, 48 HOURS.

48 HOURS. YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN SO EVENTFUL.

I KNOW.

I HAVEN'T EVEN TAKEN A (bleep) IN 48 HOURS.

Ozzy: SHARON AND -- AND HER FATHER --

THEY WEREN'T TALKING FOR 20 YEARS.

AND I SAID TO SHARON, "YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETHEART?

"I DON'T BUY THIS BULL-- (bleep)

THAT YOU -- THAT YOU HATE YOUR FATHER."

I SAID, "I STRONGLY SUGGEST

"THAT YOU -- THAT YOU PICK UP THE (bleep) PHONE

A-AND CALL HIM."

THAT WAS THE WORST THING I EVER DID

BECAUSE THEY WERE NEVER, NEVER OFF THE PHONE.

ONE DAY, SOMEBODY CAME TO SEE ME

THAT I DIDN'T EXPECT, SEE?

AND WHOEVER IT WAS... IT WAS ME.

SHE HAD ALL THESE WORDS FOR ME, YOU SEE,

WHICH WAS, UM...

"YOU (bleep) PIECE OF (bleep)" WAS THE FIRST ONE.

YES, I THINK THAT WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NOW, WHAT WAS THE OTHER ONE, DARLING?

THE KIDS THOUGHT IT WAS TONY CURTIS. OH, RIGHT, YES.

THAT'S WHEN THEY SAID TO ME,

"MUMMY, WHY IS TONY CURTIS CALLING YOU A WHORE?"

YES. YES.

AND I SAID, "WELL... I JUST DON'T KNOW."

ANSWER ME A QUESTION. WHAT?

ALL TOGETHER NOW, AND HAVE RESPECT...

♪ WHY DON'T YOU GIVE A YIDDISH BOY A CHANCE? ♪

[ DOG BARKING ] STOP. ♪ WHY DON'T YOU GIVE... ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M GONNA RELAPSE.

Ozzy: CAN YOU BELIEVE WE NEVER SPOKE A WORD TOGETHER

FOR 20-ODD YEARS?

NOW WE'RE TALKING. I-I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT'S GREAT.

FAMILY FEUDS ARE (bleep) NOT WORTH IT, MAN.

SO, I'M A GRANDFATHER.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

IT'S A WEIRD FEELING TO BE A GRANDFATHER.

CAN YOU FEEL THAT IN THERE, DON?

YEAH.

GO TO THE OTHER SIDE.

CAN YOU FEEL THAT IN THERE, DON?

YEAH.

CAN YOU FEEL IT -- CAN YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR EAR, DON?

IS THAT IN THERE, DON? IS THAT IN?

CAN YOU FEEL THAT IN THERE, DON?

CAN YOU FEEL IT -- CAN YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR EAR, DON?

YEAH. OH, YEAH.

DO YOU WANT A BURRITO, DON?

ANY-- NO-- NOBODY WANTS A BURRITO?

[ DOG BARKS ] Kelly: YEAH.

YEAH, DUDE. (bleep)

[ DOOR CLOSES ] (bleep)

DO YOU WANT A BURRITO, JACK?

SURE. FINE.

Ozzy: DO YOU LIKE SPICY OR NON-SPICY?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

DO YOU LIKE SPICY OR NON-SPICY? NON-SPICY.

DID JACK KNOW THAT YOU GUYS WERE COMING HERE?

I'M TALKING.

WAIT, DAD. I'M GETTING SPOKEN TO BY 9,000 PEOPLE HERE.

I'M -- I'M -- I'M JUST ASKING.

NO, I SAID "NO SPICY."

I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT A BURRITO. I JUST ATE EARLIER.

WELL (bleep) HELL, THEN.

I'M -- I'M GONNA BUY TWO.

PUT ONE IN THE FRIDGE FOR LATER ON.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUY THREE,

AND THEN JUST SAY, "THERE IT IS, JACK"?

N-NO, NO, I'LL BUY TWO.

I'LL PUT THE OTHER IN MY -- IN MY FREEZER IN MY ROOM.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE -- MY FAVORITE, F-FAVORITE BURRITO JOINT, THIS IS.

Don: HOW OLD IS JACK?

WELL, JACK'S 16.

YOU KNOW ALL THESE NEW CLUBS THAT COME UP.

EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

YEAH. THE LOUNGE AND THE THIS OR THE THAT.

AND HE THREW UP IN THE LOUNGE ONE NIGHT.

I (bleep) BANGED HIM. CLIPPED HIS EAR.

KELLY'S BANNED FROM SEVERAL PUBS

FOR BEING TOO LOUD.

TOO LOUD?! YES!

DAVID AND I ALWAYS USED TO SAY,

"WE'RE GOING TO SCHOOL. BYE."

AND WE'D GO OFF AND SIT IN THE CINEMA ALL DAY

OR GO AROUND WOOLWORTH'S NICKING.

DID YOU GO TO ACTING SCHOOL? MM-HMM.

WHICH ONE? TALIA CONTI.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD KELLY

MY HEADMISTRESS SAID I WOULDN'T AMOUNT TO NOTHING.

SHE CAN EAT MY (bleep)

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MUM.

KELLY, WEAR A...

MUM, I HAVE A JACKET IN MY CAR. BYE.

JACK, NO.

YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT, JACK.

YOU'RE REALLY TIRED.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT.

I AM JUST ASKING YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DON'T CLEAN UP.

AND DON'T BE A SCHMUCK

AND STAY OUT NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. I'M NOT BEING A SCHMUCK.

AND, MUM, I HARDLY GO OUT ANYMORE!

JACK, YOU SHOULD BE GOING TO BED NOW, OKAY?

MUM, I HAVEN'T GONE TO BED THIS EARLY SINCE, LIKE, THIRD GRADE.

[ DOGS BARKING ] YEAH, WELL, PRETEND YOU'RE IN (bleep) THIRD GRADE NOW

AND GO TO BED. NO.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

MY PHONE IS RINGING!

HELLO?

PASCAL, WHAT'S UP?

NO, I'M FINE. I'M ACTUALLY --

I'M -- I'M REALLY, REALLY HIGH-SPIRITED RIGHT NOW.

UM, I DON'T KNOW IF -- I'M NOT GONNA GO OUT TONIGHT.

PROBABLY, IF I'M GONNA DO ANYTHING, I'M GONNA HANG OUT AT MY HOUSE.

WHAT'S THE, UH, PARENTAL STATUS RIGHT NOW?

[ BARKING ]

HEY, HEY, HEY, GUYS. SHH. SHH.

OH, WAIT. I DIDN'T -- I DIDN'T SHOW --

I DIDN'T SHOW YOU MY BELT BUCKLE, MANDY.

NICE!

♪ WELL, IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND, IT'S A SIMPLE WORLD ♪

♪ THERE'S A LITTLE ROOM FOR MUSIC, AND THE REST IS GIRLS ♪

♪ IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND ♪ ♪ IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND ♪

♪ IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND ♪ ♪ OH, IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND ♪

♪ HEY, YEAH ♪

DO YOU SEE MY SCULPTURE I BOUGHT?

THAT'S FRIGGING RAD.

ISN'T THAT COOL?

THAT'S REALLY COOL.

ISN'T THAT COOL?

♪ HEY, YEAH ♪

THAT'S A CUTE PICTURE UP THERE, JACK.

OH, OF ME AND... YOU ARE SO CUTE.

I WAS, LIKE, 13 THEN. YOU ARE SO CUTE.

♪ IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND ♪ ♪ IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND ♪

♪ IN A YOUNG MAN'S MIND ♪

CALL ME TOMORROW. I WILL.

[ LAUGHING ]

WAIT, WAIT.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO --

[ DOG BARKING ] LET'S GO TO BED.

[ LAUGHING ]

[ BARKING ]

WHEW!

[ LAUGHING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

GO TO SLEEP.

YOU'RE JUST AS DRUNK AS I AM!

DON'T PRETEND NOT TO BE!

SHH.

[ LAUGHING ]

Ozzy: THIS (bleep) MADHOUSE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

MORNING.

WHAT HAPPENED? YOU GET HIT BY A CAR?

WHAT'D YOU DO, STAY UP LATE?

YOU WANT TO HAVE SOME WATER AND JUST GET ON THE TREADMILL FOR A LITTLE BIT?

NO.

YOU ALWAYS FEEL BETTER AFTERWARDS.

NOT WITH A SPLITTING HEADACHE, YOU DON'T.

IT'S THE ONE THING THEY RECOMMEND.

DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING?

I HAVE AN AN-- I DO HAVE AN ANSWER

FOR EVERYTHING YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

HEY, JOHN, I JUST GOT MY LEGS CUT OFF

IN A NEAR-FATAL CAR ACCIDENT.

WE'LL WORK -- WE'LL WORK UPPER BODY, THEN.

JACK HAS PARTY-ITIS.

WELL, THE BAR -- H-HE --

NO, HE SHOULDN'T BE HANGING AROUND IN BARS, ANYWAY.

HE'S YOUNGER THAN 21.

HE'S BARELY 17.

I'VE EXPLAINED THAT TO HIM A-A DOZEN TIMES.

BUT I-IT'S HARD FOR HIM TO BE HONEST WITH ME BECAUSE, UH, YOU KNOW --

HE'S FULL OF (bleep) HUH?

WELL, SOMETIMES HE IS.

BUT H-HE -- HE -- BUT IT'S LIKE I SAID, HE'S NOT -- HE'S NOT FOOLING ME.

I MEAN, I KNOW, YOU KNOW --

WE KNOW WHEN, UH, HE'S, UH, YOU KNOW, WHEN HE'S ON THE GAME AND WHEN HE'S NOT.

JACK'S A LITTLE BIT OF AN INDEPENDENT GUY, SO I CAN'T GET ON HIM TOO MUCH

OR ELSE, UH, YOU KNOW, H-HE'LL SEND ME PACKING, TOO,

YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S --

IT'S STILL, UH, YOU KNOW, STILL, YOU KNOW --

GO IN THERE WITH A BIG (bleep) WHIP AND A MASK ON AND GO...

[ IMITATES WHIP ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

DARLING, YOU KNOW,

I-I UNDERSTAND YOUR PREDICAMENT,

BUT YOU CAN'T LET IT GO 100% THEIR WAY.

YOU CAN'T, DARLING.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND SIX -- SIX MONTHS TAKING YOUR --

WHATEVER THEY CALL IT -- UKEKOLI.

[ Laughing ] WHAT IS IT THEY CALL IT?

CHEMOTHERAPY, YOU SCHMUCK.

[ LAUGHS ] "OKEKOKI."

SO, DARLING... [ LAUGHS ]

YOU'VE GOT TO -- YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THIS LINE FOR ABUSED CHILDREN

IF CHILDREN ARE GETTING ABUSED BY THEIR PARENTS.

THERE'S A-AN EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBER THAT KIDS CALL UP.

GO ON.

KELLY CALLED IT ONE TIME.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, LISTEN, LISTEN.

YOU'RE (bleep) TRYING -- YOU'RE TRYING TO WIND ME UP.

NO, SHE CALLED UP THIS EMERGENCY ABUSE LINE,

AND SHE SAID, "MY MOTHER HAS JUST SMACKED ME."

AND SO THE PERSON SAID, "WHY DID YOUR MOTHER SMACK YOU?"

AND SHE SAID, "BECAUSE I TOLD HER

TO GO SUCK A DONKEY'S (bleep)"

SUCK ON WHAT (bleep)

A DONKEY'S (bleep)

A DONKEY'S.

SO THE GUY ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE SAID,

"YOUR MOTHER WAS RIGHT, AND DON'T CALL HERE AGAIN,"

AND HUNG UP ON HER.

SO SHE WAS PISSED OFF WITH HIM BECAUSE HE HUNG UP ON HER.

I THINK THAT THERE SHOULD BE A PARENTS ABUSE LINE

FOR ABUSED PARENTS TO CALL

FOR WHEN THE KIDS KEEP HAVING A GO AT PARENTS.

YOU KNOW, ALL I CAN SAY TO ALL THIS

IS THANK GOD THERE ISN'T A FOURTH ONE.

♪ DA DA-DA DA, DA DA-DA DA-DA DA DA ♪

IN ENGLAND, YOU CAN DRINK --

YOU CAN HAVE A BEER OR A WINE COOLER BUT WE'RE NOT --

IF YOU'RE UNDER THE AGE OF 16, AND IF YOU -- BUT -- BUT -- KELLY...

WE'RE NOT -- WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS WE'RE NOT IN ENGLAND.

WE'RE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

AND YOU HAVE TO ABIDE BY THE LAWS OF THE LAND,

AND T-T-THE -- THE LAW IN CALIFORNIA IS 21.

NOW, EVERY TIME YOU DRINK, YOU BREAK THE LAW.

[ STAMMERS ] AND I-I KEEP ON TELLING YOU,

THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH STUFF

THAT YOUR MOTHER AND I CAN -- CAN PROTECT YOU FROM.

ONCE YOU GO OVER THAT LINE, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE (bleep)

I'M GONNA GO EAT A BURRITO.

[ MAN SINGING IN SPANISH ]

I HEARD YOU'RE STILL EATING YOUR BURRITOS THREE TIMES A DAY.

TWICE A DAY. I AM BURRITO MAN.

I CAN SING, I CAN SING... YOU CAN DANCE AROUND.

[ HUMS "MEXICAN HAT DANCE" ]

YOUR FATHER CAN'T EAT ONE BURRITO.

HE HAS TO HAVE 900 BURRITOS.

I THINK I'LL HAVE A BURRITO FOR A CHANGE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GONNA GO AND TIE MY HAIR BACK

SO I DON'T EAT IT WITH MY BURRITO.

HEY!

GET AWAY FROM MY (bleep) BURRITO, LITTLE BASTARD!

[ ALL HUMMING "MEXICAN HAT DANCE" ]

I FEEL LIKE I COULD LIE DOWN NOW.

THAT (bleep) BURRITO DONE ME UP.

[ LATIN MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ GROANS ]

♪ BA BA DE BA BA BA YA BOO BOO BA BA BA-BA-BA BE BA ♪

MUMMY, IS ROBERT IN WITH YOU?

Sharon: ARE YOU GOING OUT SOMEWHERE?

YEAH. IS ROBERT IN HERE WITH YOU?

Jack: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

KELLY, IT'S SO LATE. ROBERT... IT'S ALL RIGHT, MUM.

KELLY, PLEASE DON'T.

I CAN'T -- I CAN'T HELP IT.

WHERE'S ROBERT, MUM?

WHAT TIME ARE YOU COMING HOME? NOT LATE.

I'M ONLY GOING OUT FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR.

WAYNE, DO NOT LET HER DRINK. SHE'S BEEN REALLY SICK.

BYE, MUM. I LOVE YOU. KELLY...

KELLY, STAY IN AND HAVE POPCORN.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MUM.

STAY HOME.

NO.

I CAN'T SLEEP, SO I THOUGHT I'D COME DOWN

AND CLEAN OUT THE FRIDGE.

LOOK.

BLOODY OPEN COKE.

THIS IS JUST AWFUL.

UGH. SEPTEMBER 18th. (bleep)

EMPTY.

KELLY'S REALLY PARTYING TOO MUCH, AND SHE'S TIRED.

SHE'S BAD-TEMPERED, AND SHE DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.

SO I THINK I'VE GOT...

PROBABLY 20 DAYS LEFT BEFORE SHE'S 18,

SO I'M GONNA ENFORCE MY 20 DAYS LEFT.

TOMORROW, SHE'S GONNA BE TIED UP.

[ NERF HERDER'S "WELCOME TO MY WORLD" PLAYS ]

[ SHRIEKS ]

YEAH!

YES! ME! NOW! WHOO!

I'M NOT GOOD YET.

GOOD TO GO. YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

♪ I CAN TAKE A LEAK IN THE KITCHEN SINK ♪

♪ WELCOME TO MY WORLD ♪

♪ NO, YOU NEEDN'T SHED A TEAR ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE GOT WAFFLES AND I'VE GOT BEER ♪

♪ AND I'VE GOT "MR. BELVEDERE" ♪

♪ WELCOME TO MY WORLD ♪

♪ WELCOME TO MY WORLD ♪ NO! AAAAH!

♪ NONSTOP NO-GIRL ACTION WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

I'M GONNA BE SICK.

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU'RE MY HERO? ♪

♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING I WISH I COULD BE ♪

♪ I COULD FLY HIGHER THAN AN EAGLE ♪

♪ FOR YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS ♪

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

JACK?

HEY, JACK?

JACK?

JACK?

HEY, JACK?

[ SIGHS ]

[ TOILET FLUSHING ]

Y-Y-- I-I'LL GET YOU A BOTTLE OF WATER.

JUST SIP ON WATER, KELLY.

I'VE GOT THAT INTERVIEW ON THE PHONE.

ON -- ON THE PHONE?

SHE'S HOLDING ON.

I HAD TO HANG UP 'CAUSE I WAS THROWING UP.

LET ME -- LET ME -- LET ME GET YOU A BOTTLE OF WATER.

[ SIGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ SIGHS ]

HI, SYLVIA. SORRY.

I'M THE WORST DRUNK IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD.

I REALLY AM.

'CAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

AND ALL I KNOW IS I'M VIOLENT AND I'M MEAN.

Sharon: OKAY.

WELL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT TELLS US, KEL?

DON'T DRINK. YEAH.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING THIS WEEKEND.

HA HA. YEAH, RIGHT.

IT'LL BE SOMETHING WITH FRED AND WAYNE.

NO, I CAN'T GO OUT, MUM.

I THINK I WILL DIE IF I GO OUT ANOTHER NIGHT.

YOU NEED SOME NICE BACON AND A ROLL WITH SOME BUTTER.

SHUT UP, MUM.

I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP AGAIN.

AND HAVE YOU SEEN IT

WHEN THE BUTTER MELTS INTO THE KETCHUP?

MUM!

PLEASE!

BE NICE TO ME.

I'M AN IDIOT.

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

YOU NEED A NICE FRIED EGG

WITH SOME NICE PINK SAUSAGES.

OH, NO, MUM. I'M GONNA (bleep) THROW UP AGAIN.

I'LL BE BACK. OKAY.

John: WE'RE GONNA START ON THE TREADMILL.

THE REST -- THE REST IS A SURPRISE.

♪ I'M GONNA WALK ♪

♪ GONNA WALK ♪

♪ WITH THE MAN ♪

♪ WITH THE MAN ♪

♪ I'M GONNA WALK ♪

♪ GONNA WALK ♪

♪ HAND IN HAND ♪

JUST SO YOU KNOW, MY ARMS FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO FALL OFF. OKAY.

WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP?

[ COUGHS ] 11:30.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT TIME DID YOU GO TO BED?

3:00.

IT WAS A LATE ONE.

LISTEN, WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR BUDDIES OVER ON THE WEEKEND,

THIS IS THE PARTY, MAN.

IT'S RIGHT HERE, OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

♪ GIVE MY WORRIES AND ALL MY WOES ♪

[ COUGHS ]

I'VE BEEN PARTYING FOR, LIKE, A WEEK SOLID,

SO MY BONES NEED A REST.

♪ GIVE MY HAND TO THE MAN WITH THE PLAN ♪

♪ GONNA WALK WITH THE MAN ♪

BYE. BYE, SWEETIE.

LOVE YOU, DADDY.

SO LONG, KID. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

YOU (bleep) PIECE OF (bleep)

Ozzy: WHAT'S WRONG WITH STAYING IN?

ISN'T IT NICE?

KELLY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT OFF THE SCHOOL BUS,

AND THERE WAS A GUY THROWING WATER ON YOU,

AND I CAUGHT HIM, AND I WENT ON THE BUS,

AND I SAID, "YOU LITTLE BASTARD," DO YOU REMEMBER?

YEAH, HE WAS, LIKE, THE BIGGEST, GROSSEST KID.

HE USED TO GET CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN THE BATHROOM ALL THE TIME.

HE WAS DISGUSTING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHY CAN'T I BE IN THE BATHROOM?

ANDREW GORBATOV USED TO BRING PORN ON THE (bleep) BUS.

AND JUST, LIKE, SIT BACK THERE AND JUST LOOK AT PORNO.

HE WAS THE ONE WITH THE --

THE HOUSEKEEPER WITH THE GOLD TEETH, YEAH. THAT (bleep) IDIOT FELL OUT A WINDOW.

SHE WAS, LIKE, MASTER P WITH AN APRON ON.

THERE'S A FLY IN THERE. LOOK.

IT'S JUST ONE (bleep)

EW, DON'T GO IN MY FOOD.

[ LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

DAD, YOU JUST HIT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M GONNA GO AND EAT ANOTHER BURRITO.

HOW MANY DAYS HAVE WE BEEN ON THE BURRITO DIET?

THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

I'M -- I'M TURNING INTO A (bleep) MEXICAN NOW.

THIS IS THE LAST BURRITO. END.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

CAN YOU FEEL THAT IN THERE, DON?

YEAH. OH, YEAH.