Original subtitles

I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY (bleep) LUCK,

THE (bleep) BONE CHANNEL COME ON THE (bleep) TV.

THE BONE CHANNEL?

DO THEY HAVE PORNO ON THE TV IN THE HOTEL?

BIG TIME AND FULL-ON, BABE.

I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY HAD TO BUY THE PORNO ON THE TVs TO HAVE IT IN YOUR ROOM.

OF COURSE, YOU (bleep) YOU BOUGHT PORNO OFF THE TV!

I PRESSED THE WRONG (bleep) BUTTON.

LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!

YOU DIRTY BASTARD! [ LAUGHS ]

W-WHAT'S -- WHAT'S A SINGLE, LONELY MAN --

YOU'RE NOT SINGLE, AND YOU ARE NOT (bleep) LONELY,

SO SHUT UP!

♪ CRAZY ♪

♪ HEY, BUT THAT'S HOW IT GOES ♪

♪ MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ♪

♪ LIVIN' AS FOES ♪

♪ BUT MAYBE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT TOO LATE ♪

♪ TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE ♪

♪ AND FORGET HOW TO HATE ♪

[ MID-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT JUST LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ IT'S SO MUCH MORE ♪

♪ YOUR WARMTH AND UNDERSTANDING ♪

♪ BEYOND ANYTHING I KNOW ♪

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE LIKE THIS BEF-O-O-O-ORE ♪

YOU KISSED PUKEY?

WHAT -- KELLY -- OH, MY GOD.

I'VE DONE WORSE.

Melinda: WHY DO THEY CALL HIM PUKEY?

KEL, KEL... HE THROWS UP ONSTAGE.

HE THROWS UP ONSTAGE, KELLY?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT HIS NICKNAME IS IN THE BAND, KELLY?

I DON'T CARE. (bleep) (bleep)

[ GASPS ] [ GASPS ]

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT MEANS HE'S GOT A (bleep) D-- WHAT IS IT?

IF THEY CALL HIM (bleep) (bleep) IN THE BAND, I'M GONNA THROW UP. MUM, SERIOUSLY.

IT'S BECAUSE HE'S GOT VIRGINIAL -- WHAT IS IT? YOU DON'T --

WHAT IS IT? VIRGIN-- VENEREAL DISEASES, MUM.

VENEREAL, THANK YOU.

WHY DO I KEEP THINKING (bleep) VIRGINIA?

MUM, I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH ANYONE.

YOU'RE (bleep) NOT GOING OUT WITH ANYONE

WITH A (bleep) LIKE A (bleep)

MAYBE HE'S GOT A DEFORMED PENIS.

WHAT IF HE HAD A PENIS THAT LOOKED LIKE -- OH, GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW.

JUST HAPPENED TO LOOK LIKE A THING OF (bleep)

PLEASE, CAN YOU SHUT THE (bleep) UP?

I'M GONNA THROW UP. IT'S DISGUSTING.

YOU DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON.

Melinda: KELLY, YOU CAN GET GENITAL WARTS ON YOUR HANDS

FROM TOUCHING (bleep) (bleep)

[ LAUGHS ]

SERIOUS, KELLY, YOU CAN GET IT FROM KISSING HIM.

FOR (bleep) SAKE, MUM.

Ozzy: Who?

IT'S HER BOYFRIEND.

I-I-I-I-I-I'M CLUELESS.

I DIDN'T KNOW SHE HAD A (bleep) BOYFRIEND.

HOW OLD IS HE?

Uh, 20. Bert is the singer of a band called The Used.

THEY'RE, LIKE, THIS PUNK BAND.

WHAT A (bleep) NERDY NAME -- BERT. I know.

LIKE, AFTER THE FIRST WEEK, HE SAID, "I LOVE YOU."

(bleep) HELL, MAN.

AND SHE BUYS INTO THAT.

[ PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN D" PLAYS ]

I'M JUST GLAD THAT I'M SEEING --

COMING TO SEE ME FOR A COUPLE WEEKS.

HE'S A SINGER OF THE BAND CALLED THE USED.

KELLY... WHAT?

ARE YOU TALKING TO A BOY?

NO, MUM!

YOU'RE DRIVING ME (bleep) CRAZY. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING.

[ LAUGHING ]

YOU CAN BOTH GO (bleep) YOURSELVES.

SHE'S DEFINITELY TALKING TO A BOY.

I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING.

I (bleep) LOVE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

I DON'T LIKE BEING REALLY, REALLY BUSY,

BUT I DON'T LIKE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

I HAVEN'T SHOWERED IN TWO DAYS.

YEAH!

WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU KISS SOMEBODY?

LIKE, AREN'T YOU SCARED THAT --

WELL, HER BOYFRIEND DOESN'T BRUSH HIS TEETH

AFTER HE PUKES, SO...

SO, IS HE ACTUALLY YOUR BOYFRIEND OR ARE YOU JUST...

I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP.

[ "CHOPSTICKS" PLAYS ] I KNOW, BUT YOU SAY, "HE'S MY NEW HUSBAND,"

OR WHATEVER, SO...

NO, HE IS, ACTUALLY, YEAH.

WHAT'S BERT'S LAST NAME?

McCRACKEN.

OH, McCRACKEN.

KELLY McCRACKEN.

I'M NOT GONNA MARRY HIM, JACK.

I LIKE THE NAME BERT. I THINK IT'S REALLY NICE.

[ BELCHES ] OOH, PUT SOME ICE CREAM ON THIS AND THEN EAT IT.

THAT'S SUCH A FAT-KID THING TO DO.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I'M A FAT KID.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, JORDY CALLED ME TODAY

JUST TO TELL ME HE WAS DISGUSTED ABOUT IT.

JACK CALLED THE PERSON FROM HIS RECORD COMPANY JUST TO LET HIM KNOW.

NO, HE RUNG ME AND SAID, "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH KELLY AND BERT?"

I SAID, "HE SLEPT OVER," AND I THINK THAT --

SLEPT OVER?

THAT'S NEWS TO ME.

SLEPT OVER WHERE?

IN THE SPARE ROOM OR ON THE COUCH, I HOPE.

NO, HE SLEPT -- AT THE HOTEL.

WHAT HOTEL? IN THE SAME BED!

[ NOTES PLAYING ]

IS HE ONE THAT YOU'D CALL UP AND GO, "HI, IT'S ME,"

AND THEY KNOW WHO IT IS?

NO, IT'S JUST...

[ NOTES PLAYING ]

"HI, LEAVE A MESSAGE IF YOU WANT."

YOU DO THAT, AND IF IT'S YOU --

[ "CHOPSTICKS" PLAYS ] I DON'T KNOW.

OH, PLEASE, I'LL KILL YOU. I REALLY WILL KILL YOU.

[ NOTES FADE ]

I DON'T (bleep) WITH YOUR MUSICAL CAREER!

[ CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ COUGHING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

PLEASE, NO!

AAAAH!

AAH!

JACK!

AAAAH!

OW! Ozzy: STOP THE FIGHTING!

STOP FIGHTING!

LET ME GIVE YOU A BIT OF WARNING HERE.

THIS WILL END IN (bleep) TEARS.

I SUGGEST YOU (bleep) STOP ACTING

LIKE A PAIR OF (bleep) RIGHT NOW.

QUIT! STOP! Jack: OKAY!

[ JACK IMITATES VOMITING ]

I'LL SHOVE A BANANA UP YOUR ASS.

BEND OVER, BITCH.

THAT'S A WASTE OF FOOD.

THERE ARE PEOPLE IN SOMALIA WHO WOULD DIE FOR A BANANA.

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

YOU BETTER LOOK AT ME.

WE'RE GONNA BE AT WAR BY THE END OF THE WEEK

'CAUSE BUSH, HE'S CALLING IN THE UNITED NATIONS.

Kelly: AAH! REALLY, DAD?

BUSH IS CALLING THE UNITED NATIONS?

Sharon: IT'S TOMORROW HE'S ADDRESSING THE UNITED NATIONS.

AND HE SAID HE'S GONNA -- GONNA -- HE'S GONNA --

[ DOG BARKS ] FORGET IT.

Jack: NO, I'M LISTENING. I'M A VERY POLITICAL --

I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A VERY POLITICAL PERSON.

WELL, OKAY, I HAVE A QUESTION.

JACK OR US CAN NEVER HAVE TO GO TO WAR, DO WE?

KEL, OKAY, YOU'RE A WOMAN.

IF YOU DID GET TO GO TO WAR,

YOU'D SIT BEHIND A DESK AND TYPE.

BULL-- (bleep) WOMEN GO TO THE FRONT LINE.

BOLLOCKS! Jack: (bleep) OFF! SINCE WHEN?

EXCUSE ME! WOMEN DON'T (bleep)

EXCUSE ME, WASN'T THERE A WOMAN CAUGHT IN THE, UM --

WHEN THEY WENT INTO IRAQ LAST TIME?

THERE WAS A WOMAN HELD HOSTAGE.

Kelly: WHAT ABOUT WHEN WE WENT TO KOREA AND ALL THOSE WOMEN

WERE TELLING US ABOUT HOW -- WHAT THEY HAD TO DO?

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

WOMEN FLY PLANES, HELICOPTERS, EVERYTHING.

YEAH, BUT THEY'RE NOT --

THEY'RE NOT (bleep) ON THE FRONT LINE.

YES, THEY ARE. NO, THEY'RE NOT.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA LET NO OTHER WOMEN IN A TRENCH

WITH NO FIVE HORNY GUYS.

WOMEN DO JUST AS MUCH AS MEN IN THE ARMY.

NO! (bleep) OFF.

Sharon: KELLY, PLEASE.

HE IS NOT COMING OVER HERE.

THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SALT LAKE CITY,

AND YOU'RE NOT 18 YET, AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY.

[ GASPS ] OHH!

[ Laughing ] YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

HE EITHER STAYS IN THIS HOUSE,

WHAT?! AND YOU PLAY BY MY RULES

THAT HE SLEEPS IN JACK'S ROOM --

MUM, I HAVE NOT HAD SEX WITH HIM.

[ FEET TAPPING ]

WHY DID YOU PUT THOSE ON YOUR KNEES?

I WAS BORED.

WHERE ARE THEY PLANNING ON STAYING?

I DON'T KNOW. TRUTH.

A HOTEL.

I TOLD YOU HE COULD STAY HERE,

BUT HE HAS TO SLEEP WITH JACK.

BUT I DON'T WANT HIM TO STAY HERE...

'CAUSE DAD WILL SIT THERE AND BE LIKE,

[ Deep voice ] "IF YOU -- IF YOU MESS AROUND WITH MY DAUGHTER" --

DADDY WILL NOT DO THAT.

HE WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU. YES, HE (bleep) WILL!

[ BEEP ]

IT'S A PUFF-PASTRY CASE TOP AND BOTTOM,

AND YOU PUT IN IT JUST ONE --

EITHER A RING OR A BEAN

OR A TINY LITTLE FIGURE RESEMBLING THE CHRIST CHILD.

AND THE PERSON WHO GETS THAT PIECE OF CAKE

WITH THE -- WITH THE RING IN IT...

(bleep) HELL, MAN.

IT'S (bleep) HORRIBLE!

IN A COUPLE MONTHS, I'M GOING TO VEGAS

AND GETTING MARRIED JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

I'M TELLING YOU, I WILL GET MARRIED IN VEGAS.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

I KNOW YOU WILL, KELLY.

I'M SERIOUS. I'M GONNA MARRY SOMEONE BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

OH, DO IT, KELLY. HOW EXCITING.

I LOVE A GOOD WEDDING.

I KNOW, SERIOUSLY. [ LAUGHS ]

I WOULD. I'D LOVE IT. PLEASE.

AND GET PREGNANT SO I CAN HAVE THE BABY. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE PREGNANT THING.

GUESS WHAT, DAD? I'M GONNA GET MARRIED BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

GOOD FOR YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SHE MEANS IT.

I'VE TOTALLY GIVEN UP ON THAT TV, SHARON.

YOU'VE GIVEN IN WITH THE TV?

I-I-I-I-I GOT -- I GOT THE BREAD-BAKING (bleep) CHANNEL ON NOW.

WHAT'S THE BREAD BAG?

BREAD-BAKING CHANNEL.

AND THESE TWO (bleep) OLD (bleep)

(bleep) B-BAK-- B-BAKING (bleep) BREAD.

AND, SEE, I'M CLICKING,

AND THESE TWO GRINNING (bleep) BABOONS

(bleep) BAKING (bleep) HOMEMADE BREAD.

I CAN'T -- I CAN'T -- I CAN'T GET ANYTHING ELSE.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS.

IT'S A -- IT'S A -- IT'S A NEW CHANNEL.

THE COOKING CHANNEL.

THE BAKE -- THE BREAD -- THE BAKE-YOUR-OWN-BREAD CHANNEL.

AND HE'S A MORMON?

HE'S NOT A MORMON!

HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU. [ DOG BARKS ]

CAN I TELL YOU HOW MUCH YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF?

WHAT TIME IS YOUR FRIEND COMING IN?

I DON'T -- MUM --

DON'T (bleep) LIE, OKAY?

YOU'RE GOING TO THE AIRPORT TO PICK HIM UP.

WHAT TIME IS YOUR FRIEND COMING IN?

IF YOU DON'T TELL ME, I'LL GIVE HIM A HARD TIME WHEN I MEET HIM.

I'M SERIOUSLY NOT KIDDING YOU.

I WILL GET UP AND I WILL LEAVE

IF YOU EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF HIM, BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR.

I WOULD -- AS IF I WOULD DO THAT TO YOU.

MUM, YOU'RE GONNA START TALKING ABOUT (bleep) AND VAGINAS AND SEX,

AND I'M GONNA BE SAT THERE LIKE...

I AM NOT.

I'M JUST GONNA SEE IF HE PASSES THE OSBOURNE TEST.

AND WHAT'S THAT? "HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU SHOWER?

"DO YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH?

"HOW MANY TIMES YOU EVER HAD SEX?

HOW MANY DIFFERENT PARTNERS?"

I WANT TO KNOW WHY HE'S CALLED (bleep) (bleep)

MUM! I TOLD YOU, THAT WAS MADE UP!

BECAUSE THAT WAS THE FIRST THING I ASKED HIM, THANK YOU.

WHAT'S THIS, UH, TOPIC OF CONVERSATION ABOUT -- BERT?

BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND,

YOU JUST HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE SEX WITH THAT ARE ALL REALLY GROSS.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, KELLY?

SEE, WHAT I DO IS -- THIS IS THE WHOLE SCHEME --

SEE, YOU HAVE GIRLS YOU JUST HAVE SEX WITH,

THEN YOU HAVE GIRLS YOU'RE CLOSE FRIENDS WITH AND YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH.

SO THEN (bleep) DOESN'T GET COMPLICATED.

YOU STILL HAVE GOOD FRIENDS.

THERE YOU GO. YOU SHOULD TRY THAT ONE ON FOR SIZE.

I MISSED THAT. WHAT WAS THAT?

YEAH, I REALLY DID NOT GET THAT, EITHER.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

THAT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT YOU'VE MADE UP TO JUSTIFY WHAT YOU DO.

THERE ARE GIRLS TO HAVE SEX WITH AND GIRLS TO BE FRIENDS WITH?

WELL, YEAH.

OH, JACK, THAT'S VERY CHAUVINISTIC.

I'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW,

KELLY HAS ALREADY SEEN AND TOUCHED HIS WANG.

IS IT GREEN?

NO, MUM!

AND (bleep) IS WHITE, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

NO, BUT IT HAS GREEN STALKS.

OH, SERIOUSLY, YOU NEED TO STOP.

I'M SAYING THAT KELLY'S BOYFRIEND

IS MORE THAN WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE ANYTIME.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND THAT. HE'S JUST NOT SLEEPING HERE.

HE IS.

I DON'T (bleep) BLAME MUM AND DAD FOR THAT.

ANY (bleep) WHO'S BEEN DATING YOU FOR THREE WEEKS,

COMES OUT SAYING "I LOVE YOU"

NEEDS HIS (bleep) HEAD CHECKED.

WHAT'S "BERT"?

DON'T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS.

OH, BERT.

THAT'S KELLY'S BOYFRIEND, BERT.

BUT WE CALL HIM ROBERT HERE.

YOU CALL HIM ROBERT.

I DON'T LIKE THE NAME "BERT." HE'S GOT TO CHANGE IT.

HE HAS TO CHANGE THAT NAME.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S SILLY.

SILLY, SILLY.

IS "NICKY" N-I-K-K-I-E OR N-I-K-K-Y OR N-I-C-K-I-E?

NO, N-I-- NICKY -- N-I-C-K-Y -- NICKY.

(bleep)

I'M LEAVING NOW! BYE!

I KNOW KELLY'S GONNA GET MARRIED.

SHE'S PLANNING ON MARRYING THIS BOYFRIEND.

FORGET IT. FORGET -- DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

BUT THIS GUY KEEPS WRITING HER THAT HE LOVES HER.

HE'S GONNA MARRY HER, I KNOW IT.

WHY -- S-S-STOP (bleep) WORRYING ABOUT KELLY AND --

WORRY ABOUT -- DON'T WORRY ABOUT -- WHAT --

LISTEN, ALL YOU GOT TO WORRY ABOUT

IS GETTING THROUGH TODAY.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO WORRY ABOUT.

AND DON'T -- AND -- AND --

JUST LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST.

DON'T WORRY. STOP WORRYING.

YOU'RE CREATING MORE PROBLEM THAN THERE ALREADY IS.

I MUST HAVE CAUGHT MYSELF ON A (bleep) DOOR HANDLE.

I MEAN, MY NUTS.

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

Jack: KELLY, STOP!

Kelly: SHUT UP, JACK!

DON'T HIT ME!

Sharon: NO, NO, NO! KELLY! [ SMACK ]

AAH!

GOD, BEAM ME UP, KILL ME NOW.

THIS (bleep) MADHOUSE IS (bleep) DRIVING ME (bleep) CRAZY.

♪ MISTER ♪

♪ COOL ♪

♪ MISTER ♪

♪ COOL ♪

♪ MISTER ♪

♪ COOL ♪

Sharon: I THINK WE'RE ALL WAITING

FOR BERT TO APPEAR IN THIS HOUSE.

CRAZY, COME ON, HONEY.

AND IF I WAS HIM, AND I WAS DATING SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER,

I WOULD BE POLITE AND COME OVER AND MEET THE PARENTS.

ESPECIALLY AS HE SAYS HE LOVES HER,

WANTS TO MARRY HER...

THROUGH A DRIVE-IN WEDDING IN VEGAS.

KELLY, COULD YOU CALL YOUR MUM, PLEASE?

I'M AT HOME. KELLY, CALL YOUR MUM.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE KELLY IS.

SHE'S AROUND. I JUST SPOKE TO HER.

BUT I DIDN'T ASK HER WHERE SHE WAS.

Ozzy: SHE'S PROBABLY WITH BERT SOMEWHERE.

COULD YOU CALL HER FOR ME SO I CAN SEE -- TALK TO HER?

SURE.

SHARON, LINE TWO.

THANKS.

HI, KEL.

WHERE ARE YA?

OKAY, 'CAUSE COLIN'S HERE.

I WONDERED IF YOU WERE COMING OVER.

ALL RIGHT, SO WHEN ARE WE GONNA SEE YOU?

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

OKAY, I LOVE YOU.

WILL YOU CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE COMING HOME?

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S COMING HOME.

THEY'VE CHECKED INTO THE HYATT ON SUNSET.

SHE WON'T GIVE ME AN ANSWER -- JUST "LOVE YOU, MUM. SEE YOU."

[ CLOCK TICKS, DINGS ]

I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD MAKE A GALETTE DES ROIS,

WHICH IS A FRENCH CAKE,

WHICH THEY EAT ON THE EPIPHANY, Ozzy: OH, YOU'RE (bleep) KIDDING ME.

OR THE FEAST OF THE THREE KINGS, OR 12th NIGHT.

GET THE (bleep) AWAY FROM THE -- CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL.

OH, THIS MUST BE KELLY'S BOYFRIEND.

IS IT?

VERY WORRIED IF IT IS?

I'M VERY WORRIED.

KELLY!

I'LL DEAL WITH THIS (bleep) BURLINGTON BERTIE.

ARE YOU NOT COMING IN TO SAY HELLO TO ME? WHY?

Bert: BECAUSE I'M SO SHY.

DON'T BE FULL OF (bleep)

I AM FULL OF (bleep) AND I AM SHY.

COME ON.

DO YOU LIKE KELLY'S HAIR BETTER?

I DO LIKE IT. I DO LIKE IT BETTER, KELLY --

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] MUCH, MUCH BETTER.

WHAT TIME'S THE SHOW ON SATURDAY?

UM, IT'S -- IT'S AN ALL-DAY SHOW.

IT STARTS AT, LIKE, NOON, I THINK.

AND WHAT TIME DO YOU GO ON?

WE ARE THE LAST BAND. WE PROBABLY PLAY AT, LIKE, 8:00.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, WE'RE THE HEADLINER. WE'RE SO EXCITED.

THAT'S GREAT.

OKAY, WHERE DID THIS (bleep) (bleep) COME FROM?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR (bleep) MIND.

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

♪ LOVE'S A FUNNY THING ♪

I'M GOING TO MAKE A YORKSHIRE GINGERBREAD.

THAT'S A NICE, DARK GINGERBREAD WITH BLACK TREACLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MUM, YOU REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS TODAY

WITH THAT COMMENT YOU MADE.

I KNEW YOU WERE JEALOUS

BECAUSE MY TIME ISN'T ONLY SPENT WITH YOU ANYMORE.

BUT I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT YOU WOULD NEVER SAY THAT ABOUT AIMEE'S BOYFRIEND

IN FRONT OF HER. I'M JEALOUS.

I'M SORRY, MUM, BUT DON'T DO THAT TO ME! IT'S NOT FAIR!

IT'S LIKE A BIG MIND (bleep) MUM.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP DOING IT.

BUT IT'S EASY TO SETTLE. SEND HIM HOME.

NO, MUM.

LET'S GET THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.

NO, MUM, YOU'VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND.

NO, KELLY. GET RID OF HIM, PLEASE. NO!

THEN IT CAN BE THE WAY IT WAS!

I DON'T LIKE HIM! KELLY, PLEASE!

MUM, YOU'RE GONNA -- MUM, IF YOU -- LISTEN TO ME --

TELL HIM TO GO! I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!

TELL HIM TO GO, LEAVE MY LIFE, PLEASE! I'VE GOT A STATEMENT --

I'VE GOT A STATEMENT TO MAKE!

I'VE GOT A STATEMENT TO MAKE! LISTEN TO ME!

[ LAUGHTER ] I WANT HIM TO GO, KELLY, PLEASE!

MUM, MUM...

IF YOU WANT ME TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU,

ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS,

"KELLY, CAN WE HAVE LUNCH TODAY?" OR "KELLY" --

I DO, BUT EVERYTHING IS "BERT." NO, YOU DON'T BECAUSE I --

KELLY, PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME.

IF YOU BRING HIM HERE AGAIN, I'LL CRY.

OKAY, MUM -- YOU'RE MEANT TO BE WITH ROBERT.

MUM, THAT WOULD BE INCEST.

KELLY, BE TRUTHFUL NOW, FROM THE HEART.

HE IS A LITTLE FUNKY. HE DOESN'T SMELL.

YOU JUST SAY THAT BECAUSE OF JACK.

NO, HE SMELLS OF CIGARETTES AND BOOZE.

KELLY!

MINNIE, YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING YOUR MOTHER.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH BERT, TOO.

I COULDN'T STAND IT.

Kelly: BYE, LOLA.

[ COUGHS ] Sharon: WELL, KELLY LIKES YOUNG, SMELLY BOYS,

BUT AS A MOTHER, I THINK SHE NEEDS AN OLDER, WISER MAN.

♪ LIFE IS FOR LIVIN' ♪

♪ MY PRETTIES ♪

[ COUGHS ]

♪ LIPS ARE FOR KISSING ♪

♪ MY RABBITS ♪

♪ IF YOU'VE BEEN MISSIN' ♪

♪ THE BEST OF HABITS ♪

♪ GO FIND YOURSELF A SMOOCHER ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL ENJOY THE FUTURE ♪

♪ JUST FALL IN LOVE AND START TO LIVE ♪

YAAAA!

♪ LIFE'S FOR LIVIN', SO LIVE, LIVE, LIVE ♪

KELLY'S HER MOTHER'S DAUGHTER -- SHE LIKES GUYS IN BANDS.

[ COUGHING ] ♪ LIVE IT UP ♪

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

STOP FIGHTING!