Original subtitles

OCEAN -- NOT MY PLACE, MAN. I WAS BORN ON LAND.

I'M NO (bleep) DEEP-SEA DIVER.

H-HE WAS CHILLIN' WHEN HE WENT IN THE CAGE, THIS DUDE HERE.

YOU KNOW, (bleep) HAD A 60-FOOT SHARK OR SOMETHING.

GREAT WHITE.

CAGE WOULDN'T DO A (bleep) THING.

IT'D HAVE TO BE, LIKE, TITANIUM (bleep) SAFE FOR ME.

YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

WITH A LITTLE PEEPHOLE.

[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, JACQUES COUSTEAU WAS A (bleep)

♪ CRAZY ♪

♪ HEY, BUT THAT'S HOW IT GOES ♪

♪ MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ♪

♪ LIVIN' AS FOES ♪

♪ BUT MAYBE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT TOO LATE ♪

♪ TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE ♪

♪ AND FORGET HOW TO HATE ♪

YOU KNOW, KELLY'S COMING -- GOING TO ENGLAND.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SHE'S GOT ONE INTERVIEW AFTER ANOTHER

AND TV SHOWS TO DO.

SHE'S DOING "TOP OF THE POPS."

"TOP OF THE POPS" IS A MUSIC SHOW IN ENGLAND.

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

IN ENGLAND, IT'S NOT BY BEST ALBUM, IT'S BY BEST SINGLE.

AND THE TOP 10 SINGLES, THEY PERFORM ON THE SHOW.

I'VE WATCHED THAT SHOW EVERY WEEK SINCE...

WHEN I WAS...2.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THAT SHOW SINCE, LIKE, EV-- FOREVER.

[ SNIFFS ]

OH, MY GOD.

FIVE.

SIX.

ONE MORE ON TOP.

SO, I WAS JUST TAKING FIRE STUFF, UH...

ALL RIGHT, JUST TAKE THEM

AND LET ME KNOW HOW MANY YOU END UP WITH, OKAY?

I TRUST YOU!

I TRUST YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE. HOW MANY? SEVEN.

I'LL TELL YOU -- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA LEAVE, HERE'S MY LOOT.

HUH? NO, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE.

N-N-NO, HOLD ON TO IT

BECAUSE I'VE GOT MONEY IN THERE. OKAY. COLLATERAL.

OZZY, YOU ROCK, BABY.

THANK YOU. YOU ROCK!

[ BOTH WHIMPERING ]

SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE. LOOK.

CRYING.

ARE YOU CRYING?

[ LAUGHS ]

I FEEL EVIL FOR LEAVING. I LOVE YOU.

EVERYBODY'S GONE THIS WEEK.

I HATE THIS WEEK.

BE A GOOD GIRL.

THE FIRE STATION RIGHT THERE?

YEAH, THE FIRE STATION IS RIGHT THERE.

WE CAN TAKE A RIGHT OVER THERE, WALK ACROSS.

OKAY. I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

OZZY! WHOO-HOO!

OZZY OSBOURNE!

OZZY! OZZY!

WHOO-HOO!

UM, I'VE GOT A --

I'VE GOT A HOUSE ON THE BEACH THERE.

AND WE WERE WONDERING -- W-WHERE TO --

IF I WANTED TO LIGHT A FIRE ON THE BEACH, A CAMPFIRE,

IS IT OUT OF ORDER?

LIGHT A FIRE ON THE BEACH ITSELF? YEAH.

IT ONLY -- IT HAS TO BE IN PITS.

YOU MEAN I-I-IF I DIG A PIT?

IF YOU MAKE A PIT?

IT'S -- IT'S NOT A PUBLIC RECREATION AREA RIGHT THERE,

SO I DON'T THINK IT'S WITHIN THE, UH, LEGAL LIMIT,

BUT WE CAN CHECK THE CODE AND GET YOU A DEFINITE ANSWER.

C-CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? YEAH, LET'S COME ON INSIDE

FOR A SECOND, CHECK THE ANSWER.

OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH HIM? YEAH.

OVER HERE, OZZY.

HE WANTS TO DO A -- A PIT FIRE

IN THE BACK FOR HIS WIFE,

UH, JUST TO GET HER OUT OF THE HOUSE.

YEAH, WE CAN DO -- WE HAVE TO DO A PERMIT.

IF YOU WANT TO SEND SOMEBODY OVER TO SUPERVISE,

TO -- TO TELL US

W-W-WHAT WE NEED TO DO.

I DON'T -- I DON'T WANT TO SET FIRES WITHOUT --

NO. DO YOU HAVE -- DO YOU HAVE A PIT THAT'S OUT THERE?

NO. SO YOU WANT TO BUILD ONE?

DIG ONE IN THE SAND? HE WANTS TO BUILD ONE.

YEAH, YOU CAN DO THAT. YOU JUST NEED TO HAVE IT --

AND WE CAN SEND SOMEBODY OVER TO SHOW YOU WHERE TO BUILD IT.

OKAY. AND, UH, WHATNOT.

OKAY.

WELL, GOOD. ALL RIGHTY.

WE NEED TO HAVE YOUR ADDRESS.

WHERE DO I LIVE? TELEPHONE NUMBER.

WHERE DO I LIVE? [ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT JACK.

NORTH CAROLINA.

NORTH CAROLINA.

THE SET OF "DAWSON'S CREEK." YOU KNOW, HE'LL BE FINE.

HE'S GOT TO LEARN HIS SCRIPT.

THAT'S -- THERE'S FIVE LINES. BUT HE'S GOT TO LEARN IT.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO IN THERE AND STUMBLE OVER ANYTHING. OKAY.

HE'S GOT TO GET THEM ALL DOWN.

HE'S GOT TO BE PROFESSIONAL, GOT TO GET THEM DOWN.

OKAY. YOU CAN, LIKE --

WELL, IT'S VERY EASY. THERE'S JUST CURSING.

GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S LIKE, JACK POPS UP IN THE BACK OF A CAR,

AND THE NEXT LINE IS, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ANY DRUGS?"

THAT WAS GONNA BE MY NEXT THING TO YOU.

THAT'S THE LAST LINE. LIKE, THEY LEAVE, AND HE'S LIKE,

"DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ANY DRUGS AROUND HERE?"

WOULD YOU PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE SURE --

NO POT.

OH, YEAH.

NO POT.

NO DRINKING.

BUT YOU HAVE TO GO WITH HIM. RIGHT.

SO WHEREVER HE GOES, YOU GO.

DOES THAT MEAN I GET THE RULE TO PHYSICALLY PULL THE DRINKS OUT OF HIS HAND?

YEAH. NO DRINKING, NO DRUGGING.

AND MAKE SURE HE THANKS EVERYONE AND HE'S POLITE.

MM-HMM.

IF HE STARTS TO GET LIPPY, SLAP HIM.

[ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.

MUM.

I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO NOW.

ALL RIGHT, BUT -- W--

H-HOLD ON A MINUTE.

YOU'RE GOING.

I LOVE YOU.

NO, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO. I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME.

I'VE HAD TOO MANY FAREWELLS TODAY.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

OKAY?

MM-HMM.

YOU PROMISE TO BE A GOOD BOY?

PROMISE? MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT. YOU JUST HAVE SOME FUN.

AND WHEN YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN, COME HOME. ALL RIGHT.

LOVE YOU.

GET OUT OF HERE.

Woman on P.A.: SEE AN AGENT AT 42 FOR A MESSAGE, ONCE AGAIN.

Kelly: BEFORE I GO TO "TOP OF THE POPS,"

I'M GOING TO GERMANY

BECAUSE I'M DOING PROMOTION THERE FOR MY ALBUM AND STUFF.

AND THEY ASKED IF I COULD GO DOWN THERE, AND --

AND THEY BOOKED ME TO GO DOWN THERE.

OH, I PACKED TOO MUCH (bleep) (bleep)

I'VE GOT TO --

WHERE WERE YOU THINKING

THAT YOU WANTED TO HAVE THE FIRE?

W-W-WHERE SHOULD WE HAVE IT? THE ONLY STIPULATION IS,

IS IT HAS TO BE 25 FEET FROM YOUR STRUCTURE,

SO THAT'S ABOUT WHERE THAT LOG IS RIGHT THERE.

S-SO THIS SIDE OF THE LOG RIGHT HERE -- THIS SIDE.

A-A-ANYWHERE OUT THERE APPROXIMATELY WHERE THE LOG IS

WOULD BE ABOUT 25 FEET.

BUT THIS SIDE OF THE LOG --

THAT'D BE FINE, YEAH. OKAY.

AND YOU'LL OBVIOUSLY HAVE TO DO IT WHEN THE TIDE GOES DOWN.

I'LL DO IT DOWN -- DOWN THERE. ALL RIGHT.

BUT THIS SIDE OF THE LOG --

JUST KEEP IT -- KEEP IT DOWN, YOU KNOW.

MAKE SURE THAT IT DOESN'T GET TOO BIG.

OKAY. OH.

ALL RIGHT?

SEE, W-W-WE DIG A HOLE

THIS SIDE OF THE LOG -- THIS SIDE.

YEAH, DIG A HOLE, WOULD BE GOOD.

DO YOU HAVE SOME FIREWOOD?

OH, LOTS OF IT.

IF I START THE FIRE WITH, UM, ONE OF THESE?

OKAY.

THAT'S OKAY? THOSE WOULD BE GREAT.

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

ENJOY YOUR FIRE TONIGHT.

[ KELLY LAUGHS ]

(bleep) ME, MAN, I AM TERRIFIED OF FLYING.

[ LAUGHING ]

[ CLATTERING ]

(bleep)

[ LAUGHING ]

ME AND MALI WERE LIKE --

WERE YOU NOT EXPECTING IT TO HIT THE RUNWAY?

NO, NOT LIKE THAT.

THIS IS THE WORST FEELING EVER.

Kelly: MY (bleep) BAG IS LOST!

I WANT MY (bleep) BAG.

MY (bleep) BAG IS LOST, AND I GUARANTEE I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN WORSE?

I HAVE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH IN CLOTHES IN THERE.

MY CLOTHES THAT I PACKED IN THAT BAG WERE, LIKE,

EVERY DESIGNER PIECE THAT'S IN MY WARDROBE IS IN THAT BAG.

WHEN WE HAD TO GO DOWN AND, UM, GO THROUGH THE BAG

FOR THAT GUN, I GUESS ALL THE OTHER LUGGAGE --

IT'S NOT A GUN. IT'S A PIN. OKAY, YEAH.

SEE THIS PIN RIGHT HERE?

IT WAS IN MY BAG,

AND I, SERIOUSLY, WENT THROUGH SEVEN AIRPORTS WITH IT.

NO ONE EVER STOPPED ME.

NO ONE EVER, LIKE, SAID, "WHAT IS THAT?"

SO I WALK UP THERE, AND THEY ALL, LIKE, MOVE AWAY,

AND THEN KELLY'S LIKE, "OH, IT'S THIS."

AND THEN THEY PUT IT, LIKE, THROUGH THE SCANNER AGAIN,

AND IT ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE A REAL PISTOL ON --

NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, IT CAME UP ON THE SCREEN AS, LIKE, THAT BIG.

AND IT -- I (bleep) YOU NOT --

LOOKED LIKE A (bleep) REAL GUN,

AND IT -- AND I'M, LIKE -- THE THING IS, WHAT BUGS ME,

IS, LIKE, IF YOU'D LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,

IT -- IT'S, LIKE, FLAT. IT'S, LIKE, THAT THIN.

AND I WAS JUST -- IT WAS SO WEIRD.

AND THAT -- THAT WAS THE CASE THAT'S MISSING,

AND I'M REALLY PISSED OFF.

'CAUSE NOT ONLY DO I HAVE TO WASH MY KNICKERS EVERY NIGHT,

BECAUSE I HAVE TO WEAR THE SAME ONES EVERY DAY.

LIKE, IT'S DISGUSTING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU JUST DON'T WEAR MY KNICKERS.

[ GROANS ]

DON'T SCREW YOUR FACE UP.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY KNICKERS.

AND YOU.

WELCOME TO WILMINGTON.

THANK YOU.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ]

IS THERE ANY ONE THAT YOU LIKE ANY BETTER?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PREFERENCE? NO.

WHATEVER. NO. A T-SHIRT'S A T-SHIRT, HUH?

EXACTLY. OKAY. [ LAUGHS ]

[ DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE ]

THIS WAS THE FIRST ATTEMPT.

THIS HOLE HERE WAS THE FIRST ATTEMPT.

FAILED MISERABLY.

TAKE TWO.

WHERE THE (bleep) THE SECOND ONE?

WHOA!

F-- (bleep) OFF!

(bleep) OFF!

STOP!

(bleep) GO TO ALASKA!

GO TO AL--

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU (bleep) ASS-- (bleep) OCEAN!

NO!

I FEEL LIKE A (bleep) CONSTRUCTION WORKER.

WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA --

I-IF WE ALL WENT AND GRABBED A ROCK

AND PUT A ROCK ON TOP OF HERE, SO...

LET'S GET A COUPLE OF ROCKS.

(bleep) OFF!

(bleep) THIS.

[ BLOWS NOSE ]

(bleep) OFF.

WHY WOULD I COME TO GERMANY AND DRINK A HEINEKEN, JACK?

GOOD, 'CAUSE I CAN DRINK HERE,

AND, EXCEPT FOR EVERY TIME I, LIKE --

'CAUSE I CAN'T SPEAK GERMAN,

AND I KEEP, LIKE --

I JUST, LIKE, POINT TO A BEER ON THE MENU,

AND I -- AND THEY'RE ALL GROSS.

THEY'RE, LIKE, THE (bleep) BEERS EVER.

I'VE BEEN WEARING THESE PANTS FOR THREE DAYS,

MY BRA FOR THREE DAYS.

LUCKILY, I WASH MY UNDERWEAR BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT,

BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING.

IT'S NASTY. I DON'T HAVE ANY UNDERWEAR.

I HAVE A PET PEEVE ABOUT WEARING OTHER PEOPLE'S UNDERWEAR

UNLESS THEY'RE MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY.

HAVE YOU GOT A COLD?

JACK, YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, A (bleep) (bleep) IN YOUR MOUTH.

[ Singsong voice ] I'M GONNA BE ON "TOP OF THE POPS."

AND YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT.

[ GASPS ] HELLO?

HE HUNG UP.

♪ I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR OWNIN' A BIG CAR ♪

♪ I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR SO I SAY WHAT IF ♪

♪ I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR PLAYIN' OUT OF KEY? ♪

♪ SO I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR ♪

♪ I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR ♪

Mali: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAD OUR FIRST BEATLES EXPERIENCE.

IT'S NOT LIKE BEING A BEATLE, MALI.

IT'S, LIKE, FOUR PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING US ALL DAY.

[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]

KELLY OSBOURNE IS HERE.

HI, KELLY.

HI.

[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

EXCELLENT.

[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]

(bleep) ALL.

I DON'T KNOW ANY GERMAN... AT ALL.

[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]

THAT'S AMAZING.

I ALMOST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

SO, DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO BIG?

THE FIRE?

YEAH. NO.

IT (bleep) WILL BE IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

I'M GONNA GET SOME MORE LOGS.

I AM LOG MAN!

[ SHARON LAUGHING ]

FALLING TIMBER!

SHARON!

ARE YOU COMING DOWN OR WHAT?

I LIKE WARMING MY BUTT BY THE FIRE.

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

THANK YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I EVER --

THAT I EVER COULD SEE YOU.

OH, THANK YOU.

CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH?

OF COURSE.

THERE YOU GO.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

CAN YOU SING, UH, "PAPA DON'T PREACH," A LITTLE BIT?

I'M -- [ LAUGHS ]

NO, I CAN'T. NO.

I -- OH, PLEASE.

I'M --

[ LAUGHING ]

SHE -- SHE DOESN'T HAVE HER BAND HERE.

OH, THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

NO, I'M EMBARRASSED.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

THANK YOU. CAN I SING SOMETHING TO YOU?

OKAY.

♪ PAPA DON'T PREACH ♪

♪ I'M IN TROUBLE NOW ♪

♪ PAPA DON'T PREACH ♪

YOU HAVE A REALLY GOOD VOICE.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

[ LAUGHS ] BYE.

BYE-BYE. BYE.

OOH, 5:45 A.M.

THAT'S ROUGH.

YOU GUYS ARE ON A MEAN SCHEDULE HERE.

[ ROOSTER CROWING ]

[ SWING MUSIC PLAYING ]

♪ I ROLLED RIGHT OUT OF BED ♪

IT'S TIME, JACK.

♪ BUT NOT THE SAME OLD WAY ♪

♪ A LITTLE THOUGHT WAS THERE IN MY HEAD ♪

♪ SONNY, IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY ♪

WE GOTTA LEAVE IN 20, ALL RIGHT?

♪ I HEADED DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ AND FOUND THAT ON MY WAY ♪

♪ A SMILE FROM EVERYONE THAT I MEET ♪

♪ SONNY, IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY ♪

I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF GETTING UP THIS MORNING, YOU MUST ADMIT.

COME ON, WE GOTTA GO.

Woman: WE SHOULD PROBABLY WAKE HIM UP.

Man: LIVE BROADCAST. PLEASE, NO SWEARING.

Kelly: COULD SHE REALLY GET IN TROUBLE IF I SWEAR?

BECAUSE WHEN THEY PUSHED THE ISSUE SO MUCH ABOUT MY MOUTH,

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

"PLEASE DON'T TALK (bleep) ABOUT ANYONE

AND PLEASE DON'T SWEAR."

WHAT THE (bleep)

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT YOU SEEING ME NAKED?

WHAT DID YOU TELL HER? Man: JUST WHAT YOU TOLD ME, CHIEF.

(bleep) YOU!

GREAT! THAT'S LUNCH, AND THAT'S A WRAP ON JACK!

DID GOOD, JACK. THANK YOU.

DO YOU LIVE IN L.A.?

YEAH.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU. HEY, GOOD LUCK.

YOU DON'T NEED IT, BUT GOOD LUCK.

ACTUALLY, BREAK A LEG.

I WISH YOU COULD FEEL MY --

NO, IT'S GONNA BE -- I CAN FEEL IT. IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.

FEEL MY VIBE, 'CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE -- FEEL THE VIBES.

Kelly: IT'S SOMETHING.

MY DAD DID THE SHOW 31 YEARS AGO.

♪ DON'T YOU EVER SAY DIE ♪

♪ DON'T YOU EVER SAY DIE ♪

Kelly: AND NOW I'M DOING IT.

(bleep) MYSELF.

YOU'RE DOING IT, BABY.

HERE WE GO. LET'S STAND BY WITH THE TRACK.

WE'RE ON APPLAUSE. AND WE'LL BE CUEING THE TRACK, PLEASE, IN 5 SECONDS.

Woman: 4, 3, 2, 1.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

Kelly: OH! (bleep) HELL!

NOW, WHERE DID YOU GET THESE STONES FROM?

WELL, I PICKED THEM UP.

HAVE WE STILL GOT THEM FISHING POLES, SHARON?

WE'VE GOT THEM HERE.

HAVE WE GOT ANY CHEESE?

WE'VE GOT CHEESE.

WHY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I-I'M GONNA -- I'M GONNA GO FISHING.

I'M GONNA PUT THE CHEESE ON THE HOOK, AND --

FISH LIKE CHEESE.

SOMETIMES... SOME FISH LIKE CHEESE.

I HOPE YOU CATCH SOME TONIGHT.

PROBABLY GONNA CATCH A COLD.

[ LAUGHS ]

♪ FISH ♪

♪ CATCH A FISH ♪

♪ AND I WANT YOU IN A DISH ♪

(bleep) HELL.

WE'RE TRYING TO CATCH MOBY DICK.

♪ OH, GO CATCH A FISH ♪

THERE YOU GO.

WHOA!

(bleep) OCEAN!

♪ TAKE A WALK WHERE YOU FISH ♪

STOP!

♪ LET'S GO CATCH A FISH ♪

♪ LET'S GO CATCH A FISH ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO!

[ LAUGHING ]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

NO!