Original subtitles

HELLO?

SHARON?

HELLO? SHARON?

HELLO?

SHARON?

HELLO? SHARON?

TONY...

YEAH?

CAN SOMEBODY GET SHARON FOR ME?

HELLO?

YES. HI.

THA-- THANK YOU.

HELLO?

H-HELLO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HELLO?

♪ CRAZY ♪

♪ HEY, BUT THAT'S HOW IT GOES ♪

♪ MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ♪

♪ LIVIN' AS FOES ♪

♪ BUT MAYBE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT TOO LATE ♪

♪ TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE ♪

♪ AND FORGET HOW TO HATE ♪

WE'RE BACK IN MALIBU.

WE'RE GONNA GO BACK TO THE OTHER HOUSE,

AND WE'RE JUST KEEPING THIS AS LIKE --

WE WANT TO HAVE QUIET TIME.

Jack: DAD'S ON TOUR. HE'S DOING OZZFEST.

KELLY'S RECORDING HER ALBUM IN NEW YORK,

AND, UH, I'M ON VACATION.

A FRIEND OF MINE BOUGHT ME A SURFBOARD FOR A GIFT.

AND SO, I JUST WENT FROM THERE.

I HATE CARRYING THIS (bleep) BOARD.

HEY, BRANDON. HEY, GUYS.

BRANDON BOYD FROM INCUBUS.

IT'S GETTING BETTER, LIKE, RIGHT NOW. IT IS?

I GOT OUT OF THE WATER, AND SETS STARTING COMING IN.

'CAUSE I COULD SEE 'EM FROM MY HOUSE.

HAVE FUN, MAN.

I WILL. SEE YOU LATER. TAKE IT EASY.

WOW. LOOK AT THIS SET.

[ SURF MUSIC PLAYS ]

I NEVER GO TO THE DOCTOR EVER.

AND OZZY WAS JUST PLEADING WITH ME TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.

"YOU'VE GOT TO GO. DO YOU SWEAR?"

AND HE WAS LIKE A CHINESE WATER TORTURER ON ME.

AND THE BLOOD TEST CAME BACK

THAT MY BLOOD COUNT WAS VERY LOW.

AND I MUST BE BLEEDING FROM SOMEWHERE.

AND THEN THEY HAD TO GO IN AND DO SOME MORE TESTING.

AND THEN THEY FOUND OUT THAT IT WAS, UM, CANCER IN MY COLON.

SOMEHOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I JUST KIND OF KNEW.

NOT THAT IT WAS GONNA BE WHERE IT IS.

[ Laughing ] I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, SHARON, HOW'S YOUR ASS-- (bleep) DOING TODAY?"

"IT'S SO MUCH BETTER, THANK YOU."

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] HELLO?

HI, MUMMY!

[ BELCHES ]

HOW'S IT FLOWING DOWN THERE BY THE BEACH, MUM?

ARE YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT?

I feel fine.

IS SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU?

I've booted them all out.

DO THEY PUT YOU TO SLEEP?

They give you a pill, and the pain goes away.

I'm not frightened. I'm not any of that.

I WUV YOU.

I (bleep) HATE AIMEE AND JACK.

WHY?

IF YOUR MOTHER WAS GOING TO HAVE SOMETHING IMPLANTED

IN HER (bleep) CHEST, WOULD YOU BE THERE?

YEAH. EXACTLY.

Sharon: WE'RE DOING OUR OWN VERSION OF "ER."

SO, THIS IS YOUR FIRST, FIRST, FIRST, RIGHT?

JUST LIKE A VIRGIN.

BE GENTLE, GABRIEL.

I'M GONNA BE VERY GENTLE.

SHE'S VERY SHY.

SHE'S VERY SHY.

LET ME SEE YOUR FORM, PLEASE. HMM.

YOU JUST WANT ME TO TAKE MY TOP OFF, DON'T YOU?

I SUSSED YOU OUT ALREADY, GABRIEL.

LET ME JUST GET MY -- YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY MORE?

(bleep)

MAYBE LATER. OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M JUST WATCHING THIS CAKE BEING MADE ON TV.

YEAH, WE HAVE THE BOOB TUBE FOR YOU TO WATCH.

AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, I'LL SEE YOU.

GIVE US A KISS.

[ SMOOCHES ]

THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

WILL I HAVE GABRIEL EVERY TIME,

OR DO YOU HAVE DIFFERENT --

YOU COULD REQUEST GABRIEL AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO.

OKAY.

NOW ALL I KNOW IS I'M GONNA GO THROUGH THE CHEMO.

SO, FINE, I'LL GET THROUGH IT.

EVERYBODY'S JUST GOTTA GET BACK TO WHAT THEY USUALLY DO,

AND THAT'S IT.

YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS IN LIFE ARE NEVER PLANNED.

AND, YOU KNOW, JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT'S GOING SO GOOD,

THERE'S A LITTLE BUMP IN THE ROAD TO REMIND YOU, YOU KNOW?

WHEN I FOUND OUT, SERIOUSLY, IT WAS LIKE SOMEONE STABBED ME IN THE CHEST.

YOU THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT CAN NEVER COME INTO YOUR FAMILY.

BUT WHEN IT DOES, IT'S JUST A REALLY BIG SHOCK.

OZZY WAS GOING THROUGH DETOX, SO HE WASN'T HIS STRONGEST.

ROCK 'N' ROLL.

♪ GOODBYE TO ALL THE PAST ♪

♪ I GUESS THAT WE'LL MEET ♪

♪ WE'LL MEET IN THE END ♪

THANK YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT SUCKED, MAN.

I'M STILL DETOXING.

I'M (bleep) SICK AND TIRED

OF THIS (bleep) STRESS THAT I'M UNDER CONSTANTLY, MAN.

I DON'T WANT TO (bleep) BE HERE.

IF YOU CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE, YOU CAN'T DO IT.

THEN, WE'LL GO BACK TO LOS ANGELES (bleep) CANCEL, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT TO BRING HER ANY MORE (bleep) STRESS

THAN SHE'S ALREADY GOT.

OZZY, THIS MIGHT NOT BE A GREAT TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

JUST STAY HERE IN THE MOMENT.

ROBERT CAME OUT ON THE ROAD TO TRY AND KEEP OZZY SOBER.

CAN I GIVE YOU A BIG HUG, OZZ?

I'M SORRY YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING THIS AS MUCH.

OZZY WAS SELF-MEDICATING

BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED WITH ME.

IN THE '80s, WHEN THAT BAT-BITING THING WAS GOING ON...

YOU -- YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT, DO YOU? UNH-UNH.

YOU MUST BE THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD THAT DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THE STORY. I HEARD SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS A BAT OR A CHICKEN OR...

WASN'T THERE SOMETHING ABOUT GOING INTO A RECORD MEETING?

YEAH, I DID THAT AS WELL.

THAT'S ANOTHER ONE. DIFFERENT ANIMAL?

YEAH.

OZZY, WE COULD ALSO -- I WAS GONNA TELL YOU,

IF YOU WANTED TO DO A LITTLE YOGA PRACTICE,

I'D BE HAPPY TO TAKE YOU THROUGH THAT.

(bleep) THAT.

Sharon: HE WAS TRYING TO GET HIM TO DO YOGA.

FOR OZZY TO TRY AND DO YOGA WOULD BE, LIKE, IMPOSSIBLE.

OZZY'S LIKE A RUBBER BAND THAT'S PULLED AT EITHER END,

AND IT'S READY TO SNAP ANY SECOND.

HE WAS TRYING TO GET OZZY INTO BEING A LOT MORE SPIRITUAL

BY READING HIM POETRY.

"TODAY, LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY,

"WE WAKE UP EMPTY AND FRIGHTENED.

"TODAY, TAKE DOWN A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.

"THERE'S A HUNDRED WAYS TO KNEEL AND KISS THE GROUND.

"AND THE WORLD IS TOO FULL TO TALK ABOUT.

"THE BREEZE AT DAWN HAS SECRETS TO TELL YOU.

THE DOOR IS ROUND AND OPEN. DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP."

WHAT THE (bleep) IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

DID YOU JUST FART WHILE I WAS READING THIS POEM?

YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

EXERCISE ONE -- QUICK WARM-UP --

VA-VAs AND VEE-VEEs.

[ PIANO PLAYS NOTE ] RELAX AND BREATHE.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

Both: ♪ VA VA VA VA VEE VEE VEE VEE VA VA VA VA VA ♪

♪ VA VA VA VA VEE VEE VEE VEE VA VA VA VA VA ♪

[ LATIN MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ GENTLEMAN JACK'S A LADIES' MAN ♪

♪ HE CAN MAKE LOVE LIKE NO ONE CAN ♪

♪ HE'S WHAT YOU CALL A REAL DON JUAN ♪

♪ YOU OUGHTA SEE HIM CARRY ON ♪

♪ JACK, JACK, JACK, DO BE DO BE DO ♪ ♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ JACK, JACK, JACK ♪ ♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ JACK, JACK, JACK ♪ ♪ OOOOOOOOOOOH ♪

Jack: SURFING IS DEFINITELY ONE OF MY NEW HOBBIES.

YOU CAN'T DESCRIBE WHEN YOU'RE IN A WAVE,

AND IT'S PUSHING YOU ALONG AND HOW FAST YOU GO

AND JUST THE RUSH -- IT'S AMAZING.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A PIER.

IT'S BEEN MOCKING US ALL DAY.

IT'S GOING, "YOU CAN'T JUMP OFF ME.

YOU CAN'T JUMP OFF ME."

SO WE SAID, "NO, WE CAN." SO WE SAID --

IT'S SO PEACEFUL OUT THERE.

LIKE, NOTHING MATTERS WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WATER.

THERE'S JUST NO WORRY.

I MEAN, THE ONLY THING YOU GOTTA WORRY ABOUT

IS JUST OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE, BUT ONCE YOU KNOW THE WAY,

YOU KNOW, IT'S SIMPLE, IT'S GREAT.

YEEEEAAAHHH!

WOW.

OW!

SO, WHAT DID WE HURT HERE?

WHERE ARE WE HURTING? RIGHT HERE.

WHY DON'T WE JUST FOLD IT RIGHT THERE LIKE THAT? OW!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

GET THIS IN A SLING FOR YOU.

EVERYBODY PULLED IT OFF BUT YOU, JACK.

NICE SLING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Jack: SO MUCH FOR SURFING. IS YOUR MOM GONNA YELL AT US, JACK?

DUDE, I HAVE A FEELING YOUR MOM'S GONNA YELL AT ME RIGHT NOW. SHE'S NOT.

"WHY ARE YOU MAKING HIM JUMP OFF THE PIER?"

"ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANY MEDICATIONS?"

NO, ESPECIALLY NOT VICODIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE A (bleep) BIRD?

IT'S EITHER THAT OR GO OUT AND GET DRUNK.

SO, I THINK THIS IS MORE CONSTRUCTIVE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STAYING IN TONIGHT.

THIS MUST BE THE FIRST NIGHT IN A YEAR.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, I DON'T SEE A BROKEN BONE.

MM-HMM.

THE BAD NEWS IS, THERE PROBABLY IS ONE.

[ LAUGHS ] UM, YOU HAVE A LOT OF FLUID IN YOUR ELBOW JOINT.

SO YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO BE IN A SLING.

OKAY. ICE.

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME PAIN MEDICINE.

THEY BETTER GIVE ME SO MUCH PAINKILLERS.

HOW MUCH IS THIS GONNA HURT? MORE THAN THE FALL OR...

NO.

OWWEE!

[ LAUGHING ] NEEDLE'S OUT. YOU DID GREAT.

WE SHOULD JUST PUT US ALL IN A HOSPITAL WARD.

YOUR DAD'S NOT WELL,

ME WITH HALF A COLON,

YOU WITH A BROKEN ARM.

♪ JACK, JACK, JACK ♪

HE'S SUCH A (bleep) DORK.

HE JUMPED OFF THE (bleep) PIER AND BROKE HIS ELBOW.

FRACTURED HIS ELBOW?

HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT.

JACK FRACTURED HIS ELBOW TODAY.

WHAT?!

JACK FRACTURED HIS ELBOW TODAY.

OH, THAT'S A -- THAT'S A DANGEROUS BONE

TO FRACTURE, MAN -- THE ELBOW.

I'M TELLING YOU, THINGS ARE LANDING ON ME LIKE (bleep) METEORITES.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO?

YES. HELLO, COLIN.

THINGS ARE GOING ON, YOU KNOW.

AIN'T NOTHING BUT A (bleep)

LIFE HAS A WAY OF KICKING YOU IN THE BALLS NOW AND AGAIN, DOESN'T IT?

I HAD THIS PLAN THAT I'D DIE BEFORE SHE DID.

MY -- MY -- MY PLAN DIDN'T WORK OUT, YOU KNOW.

SHE'S MY WHOLE WORLD.

SHE'S MY -- SHE'S -- SHE'S THE BEST LOVER I'VE EVER HAD,

THE BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD.

THE WORST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD.

IT'S LIKE BREAD AND BUTTER, YOU KNOW?

UM, SHARON AND OZZY.

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

YOU'LL PROBABLY DIE LONG BEFORE SHE WILL.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHOSE PICTURE'S THAT?

MY MOTHER GAVE ME THAT PRAYER ON HER DEATHBED.

YEAH. YOU CARRY IT WITH YOU, HUH?

[ BEETHOVEN'S "MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS ]

WANT ME TO READ THAT PRAYER OUT LOUD?

NO.

ROBERT TRIED,

BUT A 12-STEP PROGRAM SOMEHOW DOESN'T WORK FOR OZZY.

HE'S NEVER GOT PAST STEP THREE.

I COULDN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T WANT TO DRINK OR BE IN THE POSITION I WAS.

SO THAT'S WHEN I FOUND JESUS.

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪ AND HAS YOUR LIFE GOTTEN BETTER?

ABSOLUTELY. EXTREMELY, 100%.

Ozzy: I'M A BAD ALCOHOLIC.

WHEN I'M IN THE MEETING, I GO, "WELL, IF YOU HAD ONE LEG,

"AND YOU'RE IN A ROOM FULL OF ONE-LEGGED MEN,

"YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW YOU LOST YOUR LEG FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU JUST GET ON WITH IT."

I WENT TO, UM, CHRISTIAN GROUP COUNSELING.

AND WE DID THE 12-STEP PROGRAM IN THE COUNSELING GROUP

BASED ON NOT JUST A HIGHER POWER, BUT WITH JESUS.

Sharon: IT'S VERY HARD FOR OZZY

TO GO INTO A -- A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS

AND THEN START TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF.

AND HE JUST SHUTS UP WHEN HE GOES TO THOSE SESSIONS.

WE DID IT BASED ON JESUS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY IS THE PRIMARY TREATMENT

FOR ALCOHOLICS, IS GROUP THERAPY.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'S GONNA LAST THROUGH THIS TOUR.

I DON'T WANT TO BE SOBER, YOU KNOW, SHARON.

I DON'T FEEL GOOD, SHARON.

I'VE GOT NO BOOZE, NO DRUGS, NO...NO WIFE.

I'M GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW.

I CAN'T TAKE THE KNOCKS.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I WANT TO COME HOME, YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS TRY AND GET SOBER

IN THE WRONG -- WORST POSSIBLE CONDITIONS, YOU KNOW?

HOW MANY SHOWS -- HOW MANY SHOWS DO I HAVE?

IS IT, LIKE, MORE THAN 10, 15, 20, 25?

25 SHOWS.

OKAY.

OKAY.

YOU JUST TAKE IT EASY. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

HE JUST KEPT SAYING, "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME."

I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

NO ONE'S GETTING RID OF ME. I AIN'T READY YET."

I LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEETHEART. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY.

HOW WAS SHE, OZZ?

SHE'S GREAT.

♪ SO LONG, GOODBYE, I'M OUTTA HERE ♪

ROCK 'N' ROLL!

♪ I'M GOIN', SO IT'S TIME TO GET IN GEAR ♪

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

♪ MY TIME IS UP, I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE ♪

♪ AND SO FAREWELL, I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN ♪

♪ MY TIME IS UP, SO I'M OUTTA HERE ♪

IT'S BEEN A LONG ROAD, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS THE LAST OZZFEST.

I'M RETIRING, AND I'M GOING HOME.

[ BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

EXERCISE TWO --

EVERY SINGLE NOTE ATTACKED FROM THE DIAPHRAGM.

A LITTLE LIKE LAUGHING.

[ PIANO NOTE PLAYS ]

Both: ♪ HA-HA-HA, HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ HA-HA-HA, HA-HA-HA, HA-HA-HA, HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ HA-HA-HA, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA ♪

Robert: THE NEXT HEEL. THERE WE GO.

DO YOU FEEL THE STRETCH IN THAT BACK LEG? YEAH.

WHAT KIND OF CHEESE IS THIS?

RWANDA CHEESE.

OH (bleep) OFF, DAD.

[ CELLPHONE PLAYS "POPEYE" THEME ] SORRY, DAD.

GOING INTO MY BRAIN.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR MUM YET TODAY?

YES. SHE SOUNDS GREAT, DIDN'T SHE?

MM-HMM. THIS WHOLE THING'S FREAKING ME OUT, THOUGH.

THE WORD "CANCER" AND THE WORD "CHEMO."

BUT WE'RE A FAMILY, AND WE'LL STICK TOGETHER.

AND WE'LL JUST GET THROUGH IT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

[ CELLPHONE PLAYS "POPEYE" THEME ]

HELLO?

THE MOST OBNOXIOUS (bleep) RING.

I HAVE TO GO. GOODBYE.

YOU GOT ANOTHER BOYFRIEND?

I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND.

I HOPE YOU DON'T WANT A (bleep) GIRLFRIEND.

I-I'M ONLY JOKING.

I HOPE. [ CHUCKLES ]

DAD!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT WAS A GOOD SHOT.

[ LAUGHING ] HIT ME IN THE (bleep) NOSE.

I WON'T JOKE ANYMORE.

THAT SMACKED ME RIGHT BETWEEN THE (bleep) EYES.

[ LAUGHING ]

I HAVE GOOD HAND/EYE COORDINATION.

YOU SHOULD PLAY (bleep) DARTS.

[ GIGGLING ]

THIS IS THE WORST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN HIM ON TOUR ANYWHERE.

AND IT'S INCREDIBLE THAT HE'S ACTUALLY DEALING WITH THIS AND CONTINUING.

FORTUNATELY, WE'RE GOING HOME TODAY FOR THREE DAYS.

SO GOD BLESS HIM, YOU KNOW?

I'VE DONE A LOT WORSE THAN JUMP OFF PIERS, SON.

LIKE THROW A TELEVISION OUT THE WINDOW A FEW MONTHS AGO.

YOU MEAN A FEW WEEKS AGO.

SHH.

[ LAUGHING ]

I WAS TRYING TO LIGHT THE LOGS IN THE FIRE.

OH, GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S COMING OUT. YOU'RE GONNA END UP WITH (bleep)

NO, DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN THERE.

I'M NOT PUSHING MY HAND IN THERE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? [ OZZY MUMBLES ]

THIS IS WOOD. IT'S INFLAMMABLE, OZZY.

I'VE SET MORE (bleep) FOREST FIRES THAN YOU.

I WAS, LIKE, TRYING TO TWEEZER THE FIRE THING OPEN.

WHAT IS THIS (bleep) SHARON, YOU'VE GOT ON THE (bleep) FIRE?

LOGS.

IT'S NOT LOGS.

DUAL FLAME THINGS.

OH (bleep) OZZY.

I THINK YOU BETTER PHONE THE FIRE BRIGADE. SMOKE IN HERE.

LOOK AT MY BUDDHA. IT'S NOT MEANT TO SMOKE.

I THINK WE BETTER CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE.

Jack: IS THERE A FIRE -- A FIRE THING HERE?

NO. I THINK WE SHOULD CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE.

WE DON'T NEED THE FIRE BRIGADE.

BECAUSE THAT'S STUPID AND (bleep) DRAMATIC.

Sharon: DOESN'T WATER MAKE IT SPREAD?

[ LAUGHING ]

LOOK AT THE BLACK.

HOW CAN YOU GET RID OF THAT?

YOU NEVER, EVER LIGHT FIRES HERE IN THE HOUSE.

[ LAUGHING ]

OZZY, DON'T LEAN IN LIKE THAT.

MY LEGS NEARLY ON FIRE WITH THESE BASTARD CANDLES.

WHAT THE (bleep)

DID YOU TURN INTO SATAN WHILE WE WERE AWAY OR SOMETHING?

I'M SORRY.

I WANTED IT TO BE NICE WHEN YOU GOT BACK.

YOU'RE GONNA BURN THE (bleep) PLACE DOWN. HA HA.

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE

THAT ENDS UP CLEANING THE BURNT (bleep)

ALL RIGHT. BLOW THEM OUT.

[ BLOWING ]

[ WOMAN VOCALIZING ]

Ozzy: GOOD NIGHT, SHEEP SHAGGERS, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE.

WHEN DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE?

IN THE NEXT 15 MINUTES.

[ BIRD SQUAWKS ]

[ WHIMPERS, DISH CLATTERS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

(bleep) YOU! (bleep) YOU!

(bleep) YOU!

[ SQUAWKS ]

BRING HIS FOOD.

WHOSE FOOD?

THE (bleep) PARROT'S FOOD.

THEY SAID TO GIVE HIM SOME FOOD.

(bleep) YOU!

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING?

HE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.

THIS (bleep) BIRD'S GONE INTO A SEIZURE.

WE GOT AN ALCOHOLIC (bleep) BIRD, MAN.

ALL RIGHT. THERE WE ARE.

(bleep) CAGE. WHY COULDN'T I GET A SMALLER CAGE?

COME ON, YOU (bleep)

[ SQUAWKING ] ALL RIGHT. I DIDN'T -- I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

I WON'T -- I WON'T CURSE AT YOU ANYMORE.

[ SQUAWKING ]

[ SQUAWKING CONTINUES ]

[ Voice breaking ] PLEASE TAKE CARE OF MUMMY.

I'LL SEE YOU. I GOTTA GO, SHARON.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

WE LOVE YOU, DADDY, AND YOU TRAVEL SAFE.

AND NO LOOKING AT ANY WOMEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE JUST BEEN ON THE PHONE TO MY WIFE, SHARON.

SHE'S DOING (bleep) GREAT, MAN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HERE'S A SONG CALLED "MAMA, I'M COMING HOME."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIFE HAS A WAY OF KICKING YOU

STRAIGHT IN THE (bleep) NUTS, YOU KNOW.

FOR INSTANCE, I REMEMBERED I HAD SOME FOOD.

AND THEN THE NEXT THING I KNOW

WAS I'M (bleep) PICKING MYSELF OFF THE (bleep) BATHROOM FLOOR.

I DON'T REMEMBER A (bleep) THING.

I CAN'T DRINK ANYMORE.

♪ TIMES HAVE CHANGED AND TIMES ARE STRANGE ♪

♪ HERE I COME, BUT I AIN'T THE SAME ♪

♪ MAMA, I'M COMING HOME ♪

THE (bleep) WEEK BEFORE I GO ON THE -- ON THE OZZFEST,

I GET THE NEWS THAT MY WIFE'S GOT COLON CANCER,

WHICH AIN'T EXACTLY A GOOD THING

TO PACK IN YOUR SUITCASE TO GO ON THE ROAD, YOU KNOW.

GOD (bleep) WORKS IN WEIRD WAYS, I THINK.

COME ON!

♪ MAMA, I'M COMING HOME ♪

MY HEART WAS BREAKING EVERY NIGHT ON STAGE.

I PUT ON A BRAVE FACE.

BUT WHEN YOU'VE GOT A BROKEN HEART

'CAUSE SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVE HAS GOT SICK,

YOU CAN'T PRETEND NOT TO HAVE A BROKEN HEART.

♪ YOU MADE ME CRY ♪

♪ YOU TOLD ME LIES ♪

♪ BUT LIFE EXISTS TO SAY GOODBYE ♪

[ SNIFFLES ]

COME ON!

♪ MAMA, I'M COMING HOME ♪

♪ I COULD BE RIGHT, I COULD BE WRONG ♪

♪ IT HURTS SO BAD ♪

♪ IT'S BEEN SO LONG ♪

♪ MAMA, I'M COMING HOME ♪

HELLO, SWEETHEART, I THOUGHT I'D PHONE YOU

TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

I DON'T THINK IN MY COLLECTIVE MEMORY OF LIFE,

I CAN REMEMBER SO MANY UPS AND DOWNS -- MAJOR -- IN MY LIFE.

NO, IN HALF A YEAR.

GOD BLESS.

LOVE YOU. BYE.

YES!

WE'RE GONNA KICK THAT CANCER'S (bleep) ASS.

♪ MAMA ♪

♪ MAMA, I'M COMING ♪

♪ HOME ♪

♪ I'M COMING, COMING ♪

♪ HOME ♪

♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY SAY LIFE SUCKS AND THEN YOU (bleep) DIE, YOU KNOW?

[ Laughing ] I'M NOT READY TO CROAK YET.

AND DEFINITELY NOT WITH A WIG ON.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

[ SQUAWKING ]