Original subtitles

Meet the perfect American family.

There's the mom.

I can't sit here and say, like, you know, I'm really the next Mother Teresa.

The son.

functional until past 10 30 i think the daughter i don't really care what

people think of my hair if they like it or not it's not their hair so i don't

really care oh that rhyme and of course the dad

I love you more than you love yourself.

Get off, fucking man.

Crazy.

Hey, but that's how it goes.

Millions of people living as fools.

Maybe it's not too late to

learn how to love.

and forget how to hate

Is that a swimming pool or a pond?

It's a fucking swimming pool. And the guy that's building it, I'm going to

drown the fucker in it.

This has got to be the 24th house that my kids have lived in.

We've got crosses going everywhere. There's crucifixes. I'm having them

painted on the walls. We've got crucifix door handles.

We'll never be able to sell it.

Well, you don't want to put my gun, Sharon.

Under the bed.

Wherever you want to put it. I'll put it under the bed.

There we go. Oh,

well, of course it's broken.

Those fuckers packed it.

Dude, how did my sister's underwear just get mixed up in mine?

You know, that's just wrong.

Look at it. There's a fucking big chunk out of it. That motherfucker.

Where is he?

The way I see it. The less shelves, the less shit I'll put on them.

Therefore, the less shit I'll have.

Okay, so is that good or bad?

Good. Everything we open is broken.

And they'll keep saying to me, I'll glue it. I'm going to glue his fucking mouth.

Anything to do with, like, the History Channel and the War Channels, all stuff

like that. The News Channels, okay. Yes.

Weather in Afghanistan, 2,000 degrees and cloudy.

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm stuck on the weather channel.

What the fuck is that?

On this screen you can control basically the all hours.

satellite, and then they have satellite music, CD.

What the fuck on that fucking stupid deal?

We didn't give the owners any written instructions. We gave them the remote

controls, and then the owners figure out by himself how to work it, so that's how

easy it is.

Wake signal, that's about, I don't know, what's that old fuck, that wake signal?

Jack!

I'm a very simple man. You gotta have, like, computer knowledge to turn the

fucking TV on and off.

Jeff!

Fucking thing. Why can't I get a normal fucking TV, man?

I press this one button, and the shower starts. I'm going, what is this? Where

am I, man? It's fucking space-age shit.

And the nightmare continues.

Nightmare in Beverly Hills.

Click satellite.

Yeah. And?

That should come on.

With all these buttons, it could be a fucking blowjob as well. Let's call on

the television.

Press blowjob.

Sick fuck.

The coyotes are going to eat you.

Mmm, yes, I think you're a nice little cat to eat.

Lightning fast fighters to shoot down enemy planes.

Deadly bombers to flatten German and Japanese warplanes.

And tough, reliable cargo planes to airlift troops and supplies into battle.

I found a bag that would fit on my gun.

Oh, let me see it.

I've got two of them.

Let me see the gun. See if it fits on the gun. That'll fit.

Oh,

Dad, this is going to fit.

Yeah.

Yes.

Is this what you want to wear to the Tonight Show, though?

Yeah.

It's very Jackie O, Kelly.

What is this outfit?

What a pleasure to meet you, man.

I've been a fan for a long time.

It was the first concert I ever saw. Grand Funk Railroad opened for you guys

at the Forum.

At the Forum, yeah.

71, that was. Absolutely.

Greatest show.

Thanks a lot.

No, see, the thing is, is that if you do want to go to the Tonight Show, you're

going to have to get cracking.

I won't go then.

Simple as that.

He's very nervous because he doesn't like doing any TV at all. He likes Jay a

lot. He watches the show.

Not that it's selling out, but it's just too mainstream for him. I mean, I make

him do it. He doesn't want to do it.

Don't you want to see your dad?

I'll see you tonight.

That's the tonight show.

Oh, really?

I didn't know.

Well, you are blonde.

Fuck off. Get a real job.

Hey, guys, you got Ozzy?

I'm Robert.

Oh, big fan, too, huh?

Tony?

I'm tied up there. We're going to cut them because they're too long. So we'll

cut some of these ends off. I got to get me the same CD for my nephew.

I'll bring it back in a minute.

For my nephew, Rick. But I'll take one, too.

Sorry, you're not watching a movie that's about marijuana smoking.

Turn it off.

I'm serious.

Fuck off. I'm serious. You're not watching films about marijuana use.

Shut up. Leave my room now. I don't need your help.

You sent it to Rick?

To Rick. Rick, R-I-C-K?

He wanted to, Rick, be cool.

That's all right. How old is he? He's, well, actually, he's like 28.

I'm thinking he's like 60. No, he's a huge fan.

Don't you want the Eagles CD?

Throw it.

Why? Just throw it.

I don't have to answer every question for everything I do.

Fuck off.

Oh, bugger off.

So, are you nervous before you perform, or what?

Let me do it this way. I don't need a laxative.

I thought you were funny.

Want a thing on your lips?

Yeah, but now we're getting too close. No, don't go there, do we, huh?

What is one hand?

Hold on, wait.

That'll be all right, kiddo.

Thank you.

My next guest, legendary rocker, tonight he's performing a song from his first

solo album in six years, Down to Earth. Please welcome Ozzy Osbourne.

He

was

really good.

I could tell that he was a little bit uncomfortable, but he did good.

Now you come back and talk to him.

Who?

Next time.

What? I said next time you'll come back and talk, you'll be a talking guest

instead of a singing guest.

Oh.

Right? When's that, next week?

No, a little later.

Why are we married?

I bet you do when you go out. No, I don't think so.

Oh, yes, you do.

I'll let you go.

Please spare me.

What's wrong with it?

That's very nice. You actually, you're 50, 50. Am I old, you say?

I didn't feel nervous at all.

I do now.

Why can't you? Why do you start these things and never tell me you're going?

Because everyone else heard what we said and you're the only one that didn't like

it. Darling, I've explained to you. You have not been standing in front of 30

billion decibels for 35 years.

Just write me a note.

Another interesting choice, packing your bags and leave a stand.

Oh, hi, Michael.

This guy got a, how you doing? This guy got a delivery for someone.

My name is Michael, and I was hired as a security to watch the Ozzy Osbourne and

Mrs. Sharon Osbourne house. I walk around the perimeters.

I walk outside. I check the front house, the doors, the windows, the back house,

make sure just everything is okay around here.

It's a blood clot.

It's a blood clot?

Yeah, feel it right here.

I have fun over here.

My next guest, legendary rocker, tonight he's performing

a song from his first solo album in six years, Down to Earth. Please welcome

Ozzy Osbourne.

No. What's burning?

My temper.

Oh, my God.

Can I help you? Can I help you? It's cold.

I didn't do it. I burned the fucking camera on.

Is it out?

That's a good idea. We want to be in five minutes. We burned the fucking

house down.

It's electric.

It's electric fucking cattle, you dimbo.

Ever since Kelly was born, she has what we call a wobbler.

Leave it alone.

Dad, it's not hot anymore.

Darling, leave it alone.

It's kind of like a freak out.

It's not hot anymore.

Leave it alone.

Daddy! Oh, but nothing.

Why are you so sarcastic towards me?

I'm not. I'm in a bad fucking mood now.

What? I nearly set the kitchen on fire. Oh, shut up. Is that your fault?

Wait till your mother starts with me.

She's had a wobbler every day since she's been living. So when you say, what

causes a sore mouth?

It's Kelly.

I'm really, really, really, really serious about Kelly, Mom.

I'm about to snap with her.

She's tired. You're all so tired, and you're snapping at each other the whole

time because you're tired. It's not that I'm tired, Mom. She's always got this

attitude towards me.

Jack, I'm not disagreeing with you.

We've got to sit down, and everybody's got to talk and get excited, Jack.

Has anyone seen the cat?

You haven't seen her?

And I picked her up and I put her in the kitchen.

Puss.

Puss.

Jack is a pretty cool guy.

Very, very mellow. Very easygoing.

It's been pretty tough for him because he's kind of the oddball at school.

Puss.

Jack is friendly with kids at school, but he doesn't socialize with them. Jack

isn't one of these kids that'll hang at the mall and go see movies.

That's not his life.

And if they believe you, then it's like one thing. But if they feel like you're

lying, which we usually are, then it's like you don't really do anything the

next day.

Just to lay low.

Who's for these fucking things?

This shit will kill you faster than crack.

You know what? I think tobacco's the most addictive shit that I've ever eaten

in my life.

And the funny thing is, you don't have a couple of buds.

You do it first, you can't blame me. No, you fucking don't. So I heard.

...heavily for 40 fucking years, and I've just quit seven months ago.

But I can't stand the smell of this shit anymore.

You know what? I'm an ass-kicking fat kid.

What? Nothing.

You got money for me? Yep.

Twenty tonight.

Thank you.

That fucking crap on you guys.

I had a guy pull chicks with his fucking mouth. Please don't go and get drunk or

get stoned tonight.

Because I'm fucking pissed off because I can't.

Don't be, don't drink, don't take drugs, son. No, no, I don't do that. Please. I

don't do that. And if you have sex, where's the card number?

Kelly has this thing about just leaving us when they come to go into the stand.

It's her thing. She tells me to fuck off and all this.

Kelly's in my... She's a little bitch when it comes to that.

Kelly was a big-ass mall rat, and I just started taking her clubs, and then she

kind of just told me to fuck off, and that was it.

He's been running around talking crazy shit about me, and I found out, and I

think it's more that he feels guilty about doing it, to try to be mean, and

so he gets in a bad mood.

What's going on?

Jack can do anything he wants to, say anything he wants, talk all this shit,

but if it comes back to him, he just freaks. Dad, I... Why don't you ask your

own? Dad, I have. She won't do fuck all. She goes, oh, I will, I will, but she

hasn't, and she won't.

Dad, I'm just, I'm really about to lose it with her. She ditched Sarah, who's

supposed to be her best friend, and just left us. If it wasn't for me, she'd

still be at a fucking mall with her dumb friends.

See, it was me who said, hey, Kelly, when she used to hang out at the mall

with her little stupid friends. I was like, Kelly, call me to some clubs.

We'll hang out. Jack, I really understand, but you've got to understand

where I'm coming from. I love you all.

I love you more than life itself.

You're all fucking mad.

In you.

No.

Shit.

Life can be so sweet.

Love can be so fine.

I know I'm complete.

Hold your hand in mine As

we

stand there face-to-face

Jack and Kelly are still fighting.

My husband's still moaning because he still can't work the remote control.

But at least we finally moved into the house. We're home.

Oh, can you imagine the neighbors when they see that by the door?

Some think that I'm a son of a gun, but I'm out to have some fun.

Crazy.

Hey, but that's how it goes.

Millions of people living as fools.

Maybe it's not too late to

learn how to love and forget how to hate.