Original subtitles

Cuckoo. And this is the kitchen. Top dollar.

Cooking canopy. Induction.

Cold spring water, slush ice, ice maker and drawers for fresh fruits.

Made entirely from Cherry. Stoneless.

Black Italian tiles, and a stylish Philippe Starck fitting.

Go around, sweetie.

Towel heater.

Oven, microwave, hot-air. Suiting you up for cooking.

- Look. - Cool.

And that would be a thermostat.

- There's a bubble bath. - A spa .

- It's spacious. - All the space you'll ever need.

Room to move about.

The show stopper: A living room with full-length panoramic view.

- We can tear out this old stuff. - They're brand new ...

- Slap on some black marble. - I still think the fridge is too big.

I can't say I think it's s good idea to replace too much ...

And there's a wine cooler.

- A swimming pool! - That's a pond, honey.

- No, behind that. - That's the ocean.

Yeah, who can tell the difference.

But it's what we're here for. The heart of the house.

Can you feel it, John? You can almost taste the peace ...

And the view accounts for much of the value of the house.

In a different location this house would never exceed 7-8 million.

- Does it cost that much? - That would be without the view.

It's appraised at 17.5. I believe you have the papers?

Simone, all you have to do is tell me if you like it or not.

- Isn't it awesome? - But it's a lot of money, John.

The standard's probably a bit higher here than where you come from.

- The suburbs. - Exactly.

But this isn'tjust a house orjust a kick-ass investment.

Moving in here is like moving into your dream.

You wear this house.

Imagine the following:

John, at a meeting with BestSeller you've sold 50,000 units -

- of the army coloured, tight-fitting T-shirt. You know the one with the ...

- ''Let's kick ass.'' - Precisely!

You fan yourself with the fat check. It's hot, the Porsche top is down.

You pull into the garage, step into the kitchen and are met by ... Simone.

- And you're just back from ...? - Swim practice?

Precisely! With wet hair she puts her head on your shoulder and says:

''John, did you have a good day?'' And there's no denying that.

If it's been anything, it's been a good day.

It's been a long day, but it's over, and you're wealthy and tired.

And yet you remembered a bottle of chilled white wine.

You pour a glass for ...

- I don't drink wine. - Simone, doesn't like wine.

So, you remembered a 7-Up.

You then step onto your beautiful porch and barbecue a huge tender -

- Argentinean steak ... And a banger for Simone, of course.

And you sit there watching the yachts heading home to the harbour.

The dew is falling, Simone gets a little chilly, you move indoors.

John throws a log on the fire, Simone picks a nice DVD.

The classic Shrek III that you'll watch on your big flat screen TV.

Darkness descends, all is calm, and the world is perfect.

Perfect ...

Perfect right up until you hear the pitter-patter of little feet.

You look up. Your daughter has left her bed, and she's crying.

She looks at you reproachfully and asks: Why, Dad?

What can you say?

Dad took a chance. Dad listened to his boss.

Dad made a mistake, and now Dad is in debt and can't borrow more money.

So, sweetie, we will have to give away our life, our whole base -

- to a nouveau riche, blushing, thin-haired piss-ant -

- and his challenged, salon grilled trophy girlfriend from the suburbs.

They can now wreck it and cover all surfaces in black marble -

- because some need help to get depressed.

But what can you do? Nothing, sweetie.

You'll just have to adjust to the taste of grapefruit, bite your gag ball -

- bend over and take it full force all the way to Alaska.

Sweet dreams, honey.

FOR SALE

FOR SALE

FOR SALE

FOR SALE

Alex, dammit! You're losing your touch.

Is it Dorthe? Did she finally neuter you?

- I'm trying! The price ... - The price is dead on, Alex.

It seems you're self-sabotaging.

Of course not. There's nothing I want more than to sell that house.

- My cousin wants to take a look. - Your cousin?

Yes, Leif. He's made a bundle on a perfume deal in Germany.

- I thought Leif was a boy's name. - Very funny.

You have to close on this house. All of us are under pressure.

''All of us''? There's just the two of us left.

And you said I was up for partner ...

Then don't fuck it up tomorrow! 10 a.m.

Are you fresh?

- Are you fresh? - Yeah, I'm fresh.

- Hi, Dad! - Hi.

- Why didn't you pick up Celeste? - I forgot ...

Not in that outfit.

- Where's your bike? - Hi.

Hi, Lasse. Thanks.

Did you also forget that your sister is coming over?

No, no! But ...

You see I ... I didn't have time to get the meat.

I figured as much. It's a good thing I'm on top of things.

- Peel the potatoes, Alex, - Yeah, sure.

- Did you sell the house? - Not today. Tomorrow at 10.

- Dad? - Yes.

- May I have a cat? - A cat? We don't have room, Celeste.

But I will let you peel the potatoes.

Young lady, off to bed.

- I bought 5 pairs of sunglasses. - 5?

Why would you buy 5 pairs of sunglasses?

- Night, sweetie. - I wear them according to my mood.

One pair for walking, another for bicycling ...

- You never bicycle. - Every day!

- Sweet dreams. - Buy 5 bikes instead.

So, let's have the rest of the story.

Oh, right. We were outside, great atmosphere -

- except that we had to stand there for 2-3 hours.

When we got to the door, the bouncer cheated Rasmus and I.

- And 'me'. - What?

- Rasmus and 'me'. - No, I was with Judith.

Sure. But it's: 'The bouncer cheated me'.

That doesn't change just because you insert another name in front of yours.

If you take out Rasmus, you'd be saying: 'The bouncer cheated I'.

Sounds as if you cheated a bouncer. Like that would ever happen!

The correct form is: 'The bouncer cheated Rasmus and me'.

He lost me.

This is top simple: 'Rasmus and I bought candy for Rasmus and me'.

Candy for I or me?

Tell your fascinating story.

He cheated totally me and Rasmus.

He cheated Rasmus and me ...

- ... totally. - Totally.

Well, he discriminated all the hot girls, it was so unfair ...

Okay, set me straight here, so the hot girls were let in last?

No, the other way around. Ahead of us.

Oh, so you got discriminated against. Okay, now I see.

- Shut up for God's sake. - What are you doing?

It's not my fault they use the wrong word ...

Alex, Judith just wants to tell a story, you know.

- I just want to hear it. - And I just want to understand it!

Someone give her a dictionary!

Alex?

- Your appointment's at 10, right? - Yes.

- And don't forget the PTA meeting. - What PTA meeting?

- Alex, dammit ... - At 6 o'clock. I know!

- I almost got miffed, there. - You're hot when you're miffed.

9.5 million? Total loons.

Dad?

- Dad? - Mmm?

I saw a fox yesterday. In the yard.

- Typical Nordvig! - Dad?

What? Yes. I'm sure it was just a cat, Celle.

No, it had a long pointy nose.

It was probably trying to swallow a paper cup ...

Celeste! For crying out loud!

Hi! You must be Alex.

And you must be the perfume prince. Whoa, that pulls at the nose hairs!

Shall we?

- No, Marc, he didn't go for it. - Dammit, Alex.

Go away ...

- The poof had no taste! - Come on, he ...

- What? - Is this your car?

Can't you tell I'm in the middle of a conversation?

- I'm sorry to interrupt, but ... - 'I'm sorry to interrupt'?

How can you be, if you know you're damn well interrupting?!

Like if I said: 'I'm sorry for kicking you in the canister in a few minutes.'

- What are you saying to me? - I'm saying I'm on the phone!

- So, fine me or call the fuzz! - Alex?

- Hello? - What?

- What the hell's up with you? - Nothing.

You're losing it, pal. Have you been crying?

Of course I haven't been crying!

Get a grip for the next one. She's an attorney, and she's called 3 times!

- Another client? When? - Anytime now.

Go outside andgreet her. I told her to watch out for the company car.

Alex? Hello?

Marc, I think this is her now. Hi, I'm Alex. I'll be right with you.

Talk to you later.

- Alex. - Did you sell it?

She'd think about it.

So the angry message she left on my voicemail means nothing?

Jesus, Alex! What the hell's going on? Are you doing coke?

No, I've just had too much coffee. A large coffee with milk.

Right ...

You have another client at 6. Don't screw it up!

- At 6? I have this PTA meeting ... - Black coffee?

That may be tough when you add milk. White coffee. Get with it!

- Alex? - Okay. I'll close the deal.

- Good, but get the car here asap. - So I'm supposed to take the buss?

Get used to it. Come Monday you have no car.

And you may not have ajob either.

Relax! Talent goes long. Hang on.

for the next song and be strong

Free style!

- Okay, this is a cafe latte. - Yes.

- I wanted coffee with milk? - It's the same thing.

- Alex! - Let me call you back.

No, it really isn't, pie-face.

Latte is a bucket of milk with a tiny espresso shot -

- for breastfeeding mothers, while coffee with milk -

- just like the name suggests, is ... coffee with milk!

But that subtle difference wasn't on the school curriculum ...

Oh, right. You have no schooling. You just have that coffee cap -

- though you've never tasted a drop in your life, but I can't blame you.

It must be awful with hot fluids on the railing, but don't take it out on me!

Go on! Afraid of the wild flowers? What the hell!

'We're cute and happy children'.

50 points. Bam!

Move on, old fart.

Crap!

- Dorthe speaking. - Hey, honey.

- I can't make it to the PTA thing. - You have to be kidding!

- I have a buyer coming at 6. - Alex, we had an agreement.

I know that, but I'm under a lot of strain here, dammit.

- Think of others for a change! - Right, of course, Alex Klein.

Thanks. See you tonight, honey.

Damn!

Hey ...

What are you doing. Hello!

We're in make-up, baby. They'll be ready for you in a minute.

Who'll be ready and for what?

Top exciting! She's been a lousy mother.

- What is this? - They'll explain the rules to you.

Rules? Am I on 'This Is Your Life'? Keep your hands off me!

- Stop that! - You have virtually no eyebrows.

- I had an accident. - I'll say you did!

Someone needs to review the right of way paragraphs.

- Didn't I get hurt? - Oh, yeah!

You looked like a pound of minced meat.

I've worked my ass off here.

Sit still, Alex.

- You're so unruly. - Ouch! Give it a rest!

What have we here? It's Alex' sense of humour.

Let's put that right back on. Woopsie.

- You go on in 5. - You're a pain in the ass.

- I'm selling my house, and ... - Forget the house, baby.

- You can win back your life. - My life?

Yes, you're dead, honey. Hello?

Okay, cool. I'm dead. And this is ... Heaven? Or Hell?

A faggot with a powder puff is my afterlife?

You have quite the bark.

If I'm dead, then where's the tunnel with the bright light and all that?

Like this one?

Feel free if you just want to get it over with.

You have the chance to win back your life! Buckle up and go for it!

You're about to go on.

Our next contestant was crushed in a traffic accident. He's 35 and a ...

Stop! You've had your fun ...

Hey! I think I overdid the eyebrows slightly.

- Don't touch me. - Do you want to have a unibrow?

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Here he is!

The broker who can't sell houses nor drive a car!

Alex Klein!

What the fu...

Let's start with a brief look at our contestant.

Meet Alex Klein, 35 years old and a real-estate agent.

Alex was born and raised in Ballerup by mom Kate and dad Kalle.

He's a diligent student and has tons of friends.

Alex follows his boy dream and applies to the police academy.

He's not admitted, but his girlfriend, Dorthe Faunsboll, is.

They move into Dorthe's flat with their newborn, Celeste Klein Faunsboll.

Alex starts working for Marc Jespersen.

Via inside info from a colleague -

- Alex gets the opportunity to buy a beach-front house at a great price.

Anticipating a profit, Alex spends millions remodelling the house -

- and they move in.

When the market shifts, the family gets into dire straits -

- and end up moving back into Dorthe's flat.

Alex' life comes to an end at 4:09 p.m. on May 7th 2008 -

- as he drops a latte in his lap and rams into -

- a red Nissan Sunny with a sunroof. Welcome to Alex!

Okay, cool set-up.

I'm not dead. Okay?

Take a look.

- Someone you know? - Who do we have here?

- That's not me. - Alex Klein, 35, traffic accident.

- It's an actor or something ... - Let's have a look.

Christ, what a small dick.

Take a photo.

How can there be this many wrinkles in so little space.

Yeah, ha-ha very funny. So I'm dead, is that what you're telling me?

You're not alive, but not quite dead yet, either.

They'll be operating on you all night, so we have plenty of time to play.

- Play? - Yes!

It's time to play Control The Balls!

The rules are simple.

Alex will through various tests accumulate black or white balls.

The weight of the white vs. the black determines if you get a 2nd chance.

- A 2nd chance? - Meaning you regain your life.

That is the prize, although for you it's more of a punishment.

- A punishment? I love my life. - Do you now?

I hate my fucking crappy life! Let me die!

I didn't actually mean it.

And I mean it!

Okay, so you took my life based on that one outburst?

No, it's more a case of you taking your own life because you suck at driving.

The game consists of two halves and in this first half -

- Alex will face 3 tests that challenge his less fortunate qualities.

If Alex accumulates enough white balls to fill this tube -

- he will immediately return to life, but if chance has it -

- that the black balls fill out this tube here and drop to the floor -

- then it's: 'Game over'. Are the rules understood?

- Uhm ... - Good!

First challenge: Your anger. Alex doesn't talk nicely to people.

Nonsense!

- You bought coffee today? - Yes. I was under a lot of strain.

Okay, fair enough. Well then let's see how you do in calm circumstances.

- Are you up for a little vacation? - What?

Yes, believe it, Alex. You're on vacation!

Yes, this is the life!

Relax your shoulders.

There you go. Enjoy! And relax.

Goddammit! Snot-nosed bum! It's freezing, man!

That vacation didn't last long. Not a good start.

Come on, it's been a crappy day. I'm losing my house and my job ...

Not to mention your life.

Well, that's when you make me happy. It's what you do.

Did you ever consider working as a cancer clown at a children's hospital?

Listen, the water was bloody cold, I wasn't prepared for it.

Not prepared? That's life! The 1st point, please.

- Next round is aboutjealousy. - Jealousy?

I'm not even remotely jealous.

- You do have a very pretty wife. - No, I don't.

- A girlfriend. We're not married. - Right, girlfriend. But she is pretty.

Men my age would probably refer to her as attractive.

Young men with an intact hunting instinct would call her smoking hot.

And if, God forbid, you were born and raised in Copenhagen -

- she'd probably be described as totally doable.

That's fine, knock yourself out.

- I just don't have it in me! - Fine. Let's get started. Good luck.

Alex ... You're cooking?

- Uhm, yes. - What are you making?

- I don't know. - Yummy.

Alex, I need to tell you something.

- I need to talk to you. - Yes?

- I've done something crazy. - I know. It's okay.

Sometimes it just happens. You meet someone, sparks fly -

- and if you feel the need to pursue that gut feeling -

- I won't stand in the way, 'cause I'm only happy if you're happy.

Sure, it's tough on our relationship, but on the other hand -

- I'll always be there for you, and we're gonna make it.

Right?

Together, always together

Moron!

No ... the thing is that I ...

I've applied for a position in the crime unit.

- Oh. - Imagine if I get it?!

Yes, that uh ... Well, let's see.

Celeste, dinner.

You don't seem very happy.

Sure! Absolutely, I'm thrilled. But do you have to gloat over it?

Gloat? What do you mean?

You became an officer, and I didn't. So congratulations are in order, or?

I thought you'd be happy for me.

I am happy. I just feel it's a bit ...

... insensitive of you knowing how important it was for me.

- It was the only thing ... - Honey, you were too short.

- Here! - What's this for?

Go on stabbing me in the back and pour salt into the wounds!

There! Now you can hit someone in glasses, too!

- What? - What's for dinner?

I don't now, something with onions. Ask Miss Marple here!

- Shit! - There you go, Alex!

That hasn't a damn thing to do with jealousy! She's the one who ...

Sure! Fair enough. I guess I'm just the big fat ass.

- We just saw loads of bad sides here! - Blow me!

I'd rather not.

- Alex, I miss seeing white balls. - Try sitting in flour.

Alex, in a relationship you must be able to rejoice ...

I already got my black balls, and I won't sit here and listen to -

- not being there for her, just 'cause I'm not staring into her screen 24-7 -

- listening to her problems. Not solving them, mind you -

- just listening, giving her time and space and lust and ... fuck!

We have a great set-up! I'm getting the hang of it, so who needs Oprah?

Shall we give him a white ball for expressing his feelings so eloquently?

Here you go, Alex. Remember to put it into play.

The more people you hit with white balls, the more will return to you.

- Off it goes then! - You don't have to chuck.

Now on to the third and last round of the 1st half, which is about delusions.

I maintain that I am not jealous!

Delusion no. 1! Then, why is it an issue that Dorthe is a police officer?

I don't have an issue with that. I think it's great!

''Say hello to my girlfriend.

She's the heavily armed one in reflex pants and she's a champ at jujitsu.''

- I think Alex is jealous. - I should've been taller than her!

It was my idea! I would've been ten times the police officer.

Are you up for double or nothing with your black balls on that?

Sure. But we'll never know.

We know quite a lot here. Bring in the Karma Mirror.

Alex. Look into the Karma Mirror.

It will show you what might have been.

The costume department didn't have your exact size, but it'll be fine.

It had damn well better be. 'Cause you have a code 1 at the pub.

Stop. The police. You're caught.

- At ... 2:30 ... - Give me that!

Now!

Are you okay?

- Yes! First rate police work. - Yeah, right!

That's fucking unfair. You made it up. That would never happen!

Funny you should say that. This situation was real enough.

On Wednesday! But it ended very differently. Let's take a look.

Police! Stop or I'll shoot.

Give me that! Now!

Stay down.

On Wednesday?

- Wednesday she made goulash. - That's right.

And you asked about her day.

What did she say?

It's been a quiet day, honey. I've missed you.

She's kind'a cool, huh? Goulash is a rarity these days.

Well, how is it now ...

The optimist sees the glass as half empty -

- but the pessimist sees it as full!

The realist, however, must maintain that the tube -

- is now 92.5% full.

Alex, I think this is the first time -

- a contestant has had this many black balls at this early stage.

But you do have 1 white ball, so Alex gets to go shopping.

- Shopping? - Yes, let's see what we have.

First off we have a beach-front house. This is Alex Klein's very own house -

- that we offer to sell for the price of 18 million.

The broker's fee is 1 white ball.

We also have a brand new defibrillator to zap you into action.

Finally, Alex may transfer the ball to the 2nd half, where he might need it.

The choice is yours, Alex.

So, my house is sold for 18 million in exchange for that one?

- You could hang on to it. - But this solves all my problems.

Excellent! We take your white ball, and sell your house.

- Hello, I'm Lurifax. - Rene.

This is it at 18 million. So ... are you fresh?

- Fair enough. I'll take it. - Sign here, please.

- Good to do business with you. - Ditto. See ya.

Are you messing with me?

I don't understand how it can be so important?

I don't understand the name: Lurifax.

What is it you don't get? 18 big ones! I can pay my debt, become partner -

- and still wind up with half a million.

Heart failure. Defibrillator, come!

- Come, come! - It's not here.

Then find it, dammit! We're losing him.

- 'Defibrillator', what a funny word. - Defibrillator! Let's go!

- Hang on ... - 'Defibrillator'. Give it a go.

Defibrillator, defibrillator, defi ...

That's the one I could've bought! You have it!

Exactly! It's right here. It can be yours for only 1 white ball.

But I don't have any left!

We'll trade you for the house.

Come, come, come, come, come! What's going on?

You don't have a lot of time. You're becoming transparent.

- You're fading away, Alex! - We're losing him!

- Okay. Take the fucking house. - One second.

Hey, Rene? Hang on!

- Did I really say 18 million? - I think so, yeah.

- Silly me. It's actually only a dime. - Now, that's cheap.

You'll have cash left to decorate with black marble, if that's your thing.

Cool! I love black marble.

I only have a quarter. Keep the change.

We're going waterskiing tomorrow, having a good time, hanging out.

- Why don't you join us? - Waterskiing? I'd love to.

- See you tomorrow then. - Good luck with the house.

You did not fucking do that!

Alex. What is it you always say? 'You're home is your life'.

Let's bring Alex back.

- It's right here. - Give it here, for Christ's sake!

Clear!

Clear!

And Alex is back. Adrenaline!

That was a close call, Alex. You only just scraped by.

Can't say the same for your ball stack.

But you know the rules now, so it'll probably be fine.

It damn well has to in the 2nd half of Control Your Balls!

Now it gets serious. In this 2nd half -

- Alex will be tested on the moods: Hatred, lust and stupidity -

- symbolized by the snake, the rooster and the swine.

And to spin the wheel we have the guy from Wheel of Fortune!

- But you're not dead. - No, no. This is just a cameo.

Shall we spin the wheel?

The snake! Let's take a look at hatred and anger, Alex!

As there's a lot riding on these tests, you get a little help.

You may open this envelope, if you feel you're losing control.

I'll give you a hint. We'll visit your mother.

My mother? But I don't hate my mother.

No, precisely, which is why we expect you to talk gently to her.

Although you do find her a little annoying.

- Oh, I don't know ... - Maybe even a lot.

That's because she ...

- This is life or death, you know. - Yes ... I'm ready.

Then let's visit someone who never fails to shake Alex Klein's poise:

Mom!

Lemon sponge cake.

- Yes, cake. - Lemon sponge cake.

- You don't have to say the full name. - What? Lemon sponge cake?

Oh, Alex, Alex, Alex ...

Says the minister ofagriculture asAlex Klein is offto a bad start.

- So, mom, how are things? - Oh, I don't complain.

But I have such a pain in my legs, and the toilet is broken again.

- But you don't complain ... - Could you take a look at it?

I actually just did. It was white with a black button on top. Lovely.

- Judith was here on Friday. - Excuse me, but who?

Judith.

- Am I supposed to know her? - Your sister?

Judith! If you can't pronounce her name, you should've called her Ulla.

Expectshowers ofblack balls and difficulty in solving problems.

- An extra dash to top it off? - Uhm, no thanks.

But I would like some coffee in my cup.

Thank you. Thank you!

- Cream? - No, mom, I've never taken cream.

I'll have some.

It won't hit the hips until tomorrow.

What a struggle. Alex is in trouble, I doubt he can make it unless ...

Yes, he's aiming for the envelope before completely losing his cool!

He's going for it. Will he succeed? This is a unique situation!

- Mom ... - Mmm?

- I love you. - Ah, such nonsense.

Have some sponge cake.

Yes, I think I can squeeze down a slice of lemon sponge cake.

And a little dash of coffee, perhaps?

Thank you.

Cream?

Yes, please.

- It won't hit the hips until tomorrow. - Right. But we won't be home for that.

What? Hadn't you heard that before?

Come on, mom.

A calm, cool and well-balanced man. Well done, Alex!

But you did have help, and that doesn't come for free.

The penalty for opening the envelope is 5 black balls extra.

It's not fair to tell me that after the fact!

I'll remember that for next time. Let's spin the wheel. Bengt?

Let's go for a spin.

The rooster, representing desire and greed.

A hard beast to beat, but even harder to satisfy.

If you give into it, it only grows. Like killing thirst with sea water.

- You must stop your greed! - Fine. I'll do that then.

Perky attitude. Off to the battlefield of desire.

How about Marc's New Year's party?

- Sure, why not. - Full of temptations, wasn't it?

- But that's okay. I'm not worried. - That's my boy!

- If you need help ... - Ha! I'm not falling for that again.

- I'll be right next to you throughout. - What?

Thank you all for coming!

And a special thanks to Alex for leaving the law enforcement at home.

So the rest of us can have a real party.

Uhm, I think I'd prefer a club soda.

Without lemon.

Alex do the one, you know ... The one with pie-face and bells.

Oh, right. Uhm ...

- You know that your girlfriend ... - Alex?

- You know she's an auditor when ... - Alex?

- Alex! - What?!

A free piece of advice. Your ego is showing off now.

It's just a little story.

Your heart is racing, and you can't wait for the punch line.

That's desire! It's what we're combating tonight.

Happy New Year, is what I always say.

Happy New Year.

- Thanks ever so ... Lurifax. - The first one was a freebee.

- But it might be a good investment. - Fuck you, I don't need your help.

Alex, would you like some gravy?

- Help. - Gladly, but it'll cost you.

No sweat, just help me out.

He doesn't need any gravy, and certainly not from you, you cunt!

Alex! Get a grip!

A sip of water ...

No, I'm full ... apparently.

- May I smoke? - Sure, fire it up.

- Would you like one? - Sure, thanks.

'Cause I don't smoke.

- Marc said you were a good laugh. - Oh, I wouldn't say that.

You're cute. Is there a girlfriend?

Actually there is. And a really gorgeous one at that.

Oh.

Great party! Do you have a light?

- I guess we don't dance either. - Sure. There's no harm in that!

But only with your wife, of course.

- She's my girlfriend. - Pardon me!

Alex?

- Hi. - Hi.

There's a vacant bedroom upstairs.

Okay?

That is, if you'd like to fuck me.

Uhm, now?

- It's a little breezy. - We can do it here.

It's not that I'm an easy lay, but it's only New Year's once a year.

Okay, this won't work. It's not you. I just have to go to him.

Him?

No, nothing like that! It's because of his balls!

My life is on the line! I need the balls!

Time to say Happy New Year, and call it a night.

Already? But I never got to taste the Mitsubishi pills.

- I don't fucking care. We're leaving. - You're the boss.

I'm so proud of you, Alex. Here you go.

And now to my assistance fee.

Since I had such a fabulous time, the consultant fee will only be ...

- 10 black balls. - What? Hey, hang on! It was 5!

- You can't just raise the price! - It's not the same.

A photo can't compare to me making a personal appearance.

It's like comparing a flat with an outdoor loo to a castle.

You should know, Alex!

- You blow, man. - There, there. No lemon-pout.

- Last test. Shall we spin again? - 'Shall we spin again?'

3 animals, and two are gone, so may I venture a guess and say the pig?

The swine! Don't ruin it for the rest of us. Bengt?

One last spin.

Thank you, Bengt! Drive safely.

Well, look at that!

How lucky can you get? It landed on the swine! Exciting!

- Very! - Stupidity, delusion and illusion.

Let's see if we can corner truth. How do you feel about honesty?

I feel great about it. I'm the most honest person I know.

Let's see a situation from Alex' life on how he handles honesty.

- How about some music? - Thomas' CD is in the car.

- Thomas Helmig? - No, Thomas Buttenschon.

His lyrics are so original.

No, he doesn't! No, no, no ...

It's the jerk 'who at noon stole a silver spoon'.

- A soup spoon. - He's such a loser. With bells on.

- Soup spoon. - Yes, he deserves an MTV award.

- So original. - Alex.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I assume you also like Tue West?

You're freaking kidding!

- This tastes wonderful, Dorthe. - Delicious.

Yeah, it's quite alright, sweetie. Needs a little salt, though.

- But then we have that. - I like him.

- I like him. - It's swine.

- Tue West. - Yeah, exactly.

The freak sounds like Kenny Rogers after a kick in the pussy.

- Work with me here. - Delicious meal, Dorthe.

- It's just an opinion. - Delicious.

- I'm disappointed. - Delicious.

- Disappointed. - Delicious.

- Disappointed. - Delicious.

- Disappointed. - Really delicious.

Very disappointed.

- Isn't it delicious? - Disappointed!

- Oh, what a wonderful evening. - I was just being honest.

I say what I feel, and if people don't like it, it's too bad.

What's it worth, if it doesn't bring any joy?

That honesty didn't cost you a thing.

If you want to win this last challenge, you must give something of yourself.

- We want to see you, Alex. - Yes, okay. I can do that.

If I were you, I'd go shopping. You can't afford to fail this test.

- What will that cost me? - One black ball.

- One? How cheap, all of a sudden. - Alex, we're on your side.

You're almost there!

Okay. Well, then I accept.

Great, and you might as well pay in advance: One black ball.

- Fuck you, you fat ... - Save your strength.

Your life is on the line. And here you are:

The invisible Truth Hat that ensures 100% honesty or your money back.

We waited three months to get to see him.

- In Tivoli? - Yes, on the outdoor stage.

And Tue West is on next Friday. I love him.

Oh, ouch. Alex hates him. Right, honey?

- What? - Tue West.

Ah, well ...

I must admit I find it hard not to sing along to his songs -

- when I hear them on the radio. But only if I'm by myself, obviously.

He threatens my masculinity beyond belief -

- and I think that's why I always emphasize how much I hate him.

- Wow, Alex! - Yeah, I'm scaring myself here.

I mean, I'd rather not like him, but the fact is I turn up the volume -

- if he's on when I'm driving.

Honey, this tastes so ...

I'll clear the table.

Pulp Fiction was a great movie.

- Titanic is the best film ever. - Come on!

I'm serious! I wept towards the end.

It was a brilliant evening, and we had this amazing French meal.

- Alex picked the place. - I was showing off.

- I actually prefer meatloaf. - What?

I knew it!

It was a theme party, and I had to make it look like a swinger club.

Who the hell knows what a swinger club looks like?

- They have to, because ... - Yes, I can see that.

Not to interrupt, but no matter what I've said -

- my favourite colour is and always will be pink.

I can't believe my husband gets manicures.

- Respect, Alex! - Every Thursday.

- Great cognac. - This? Cheap Metaxa from Greece.

- No, it isn't. - 2 stars. That's why it's in a carafe.

I save my good cognac for friends I want to impress.

- God, that is so pathetic, Alex. - Judith! That's exactly what it is!

But that's probably because I have such a small dick.

Thank you for a great night.

That's honesty if ever I heard it. Well done, Alex!

And look! Alex made it!

The white balls open up a world of opportunities for Alex Klein. Ingolf?

Well done! You've earned white balls that can be used for the following:

Again we have a beach-front house, but this time with a paid mortgage -

- in tip-top shape for you to keep.

Hardly exciting if you're dead.

Alex can also choose to buy back his life -

- leave the show and return to the stress of his everyday life.

A popular choice. Or Alex can turn around and buy the good deed -

- by giving away his white balls to the next contestant in Control The Balls.

The choice is yours, Alex.

Yes! An exciting choice. Which is it, Alex?

- I would like my life back. - Not your house?

No. No, I learned my lesson. I understand what's important now.

- Yes. - Yes, and I choose life.

You could give away the balls?

Or eat a jar of sleeping pills but what good would that do?

Doing a good deed?

Hey! We're helpful at Harrods, but this is where I draw the line!

What if the next contestant was here because of you?

Such as the driver of a red Nissan Sunny with a sunroof.

- Is it? - I don't know.

I'm just puzzled that you haven't given the other driver a second thought.

Okay, but he gets his chance here now, right?

- I did win, right? - Well, certainly, Alex!

- Then I choose life. - Fine.

Is there anything else you'd like to share while wearing the Truth Hat?

No. Nothing besides the fact that I cheated.

At the New Year's party. I got Nadia's number behind your back.

And I have coke. Look!

Alex.

That's what happens when you spend your life spreading black balls around.

The balls hit people around you and jump on to other people -

- and more and more balls are in play.

And as nature has it, they will eventually come flooding back at you.

But it was for my family.

My girlfriend and my little daughter need me. I was thinking of them.

No, you weren't, Alex. You didn't think of them at all.

Of course, I did.

No, Alex.

No ...

You never think of anyone but yourself.

No.

You never even think of your close ones.

You don't think about their well-being or whether they worry about you now.

Whether they're happy.

Of course they are. Stop that.

- When did you last talk to them? - We had a nice time this morning.

Really? Let's take a look at how nice it was, then.

Celeste! For crying out loud!

- This is the third time! - It's okay.

- Yeah, just great! - I'll handle it. Take it easy!

- Did you put chilli in my coffee? - No, Alex.

- Did you? - No.

- It'll be a lovely day, huh? - Yes, if I off-load that crappy house!

If I have to look at those cabinets one more day I'll shoot a pup in the head.

- That's not allowed, dad. - They're not that bad.

- I picked them out myself. - Had you been smoking pot?

- Don't you have to get to work? - No, I have the day off.

- I'll spend it shaping up for you. - It's gonna be a long day, then, huh?

No, no, Celle ... Celeste, this shirt is newly ironed.

- Dad, will you sing to me? - No, I don't have time.

- Dad can't sing. - Sure, I can!

- He used to sing Video Video ... - Nah.

- Yes, and do this with my arm. - Not today, honey.

- Come on, dad. - No! I don't have time.

- Dad! - Did you need this?

- It's a drawing I made for you. - Thanks.

- Don't forget the PTA meeting at 6. - Okay-okay!

And since then you haven't given them a thought.

Maybe we should see how their day was.

Mom? Why doesn't dad like me?

- He does, honey. - Dorthe consoles your daughter.

Come here.

Dad is just very busy.

And here Dorthe is arranging for Celeste to sleep over at grandma's -

- because she has a little surprise for you.

I'll take him to dinner, and after that I have a hotel room booked for us.

Not at all, he thinks he's going to a PTA meeting.

Dorthe goes to your brother-in-law's 'cause she knows you'll lose the car.

- Is she buying me a car? - Ah, I don't know about 'buying' ...

- I insist on paying for it. - Nonsense!

It won't cost me a nickel. Just pick any car on the left here.

- Are you sure? - 100%!

How sweet ofyou! Thank you.

Here, Dorthe and Celeste are picking out a car you would like.

- That one! - No, sweetie. Dad hates pink.

- That one! - Yes!

No ... Not that one.

Here comes your family.

You might recognize this from the other end of the phone.

- Dorthe, speaking. - I can't make it to the PTA thing.

- You have to be kidding! - I have a buyer coming at 6.

- Alex, we had an agreement. - I'm under a lot ofstrain, dammit.

- Think ofothers for a change! - Right, of course, Alex Klein.

Thanks. See you tonight, honey.

And here your family is now.

- What will happen with them? - No one knows. That's in the future.

Let's hope they're good at quizzes, 'cause they haven't received any help.

- I'll help them! - Alex, you can't help them anymore.

It's too late. You picked you.

And as your own happiness is so important to you -

- we think you should return to life.

- If my family is here, I'm staying! - I'm sorry, but you don't belong here.

- I cheated! You can't send me back. - The white balls hit the floor first.

And that means returning to life.

You might have cheated, but we play by the rules.

- Listen ... - It's been a pleasure, Alex.

Good luck, and thank you for coming.

- Where are they? I need to see them. - Let's make sure you're okay, first.

You're pretty beaten up, yourself. Would you help him back down?

I need to see them! How are they?

They're both still in coma, but they're doing reasonably well.

- But we do need a donor. - Donor?

None of Celeste's kidneys is working, so we gave her one of Dorthe's but ...

... her body rejected it.

- What does that mean? - We need to find another kidney.

- Can't you take one of mine? - Sure! That's definitely an option.

- You are a match, so ... - That's settled then.

- You're sure? - Absolutely.

- And I'd like to see my family now. - Sure. Fair enough.

I'll have a nurse take you. These are for you.

- What are they? - You'll be feeling that jaw.

But don't take more than 3 a day, or you won't be feeling anything.

Cuckoo. Alex! Homeboy!

Are you okay?

- No, not really. - Well, you're about to be.

What the hell were you thinking: A dime?

Thank god Rene and I were scouts together. He accepted 17.5!

17.5!

Not bad. Listen, I gotta go.

Right! There are houses to sell! We need to off-load Priest Street.

Partner.

700,000. How about that?

- Take care, alright. - See you Monday at the office.

No, you won't. I don't want to spend one more second of my life on this.

It means nothing to me anymore.

Jesus, Alex, you don't mean that.

Marc, we can't be partners. We'd be Jespersen & Klein.

Did you consider that?

Cuckoo.

Alex, we need to have a little talk.

Dorthe's remaining kidney is infected.

And ...?

The thing is we now need two kidneys that match.

- Then we must find them. - It's not that simple, Alex.

Is it money? I have 700 grand here to speed along the process.

Fly them in from Pakistan, or something.

- They have to be a match, Alex. - Please, stop Alex'ing me.

Right, I'm sorry, Alex.

I match!

Yes, but we need two.

And I have two. Take them.

You can't live without kidneys, Alex. We'd be losing you.

I'm already lost. Cut me open and take what you need.

Even if I wanted to I couldn't. It's unethical and illegal.

Illegal? But I volunteer. We'll draw up papers saying it was my idea.

We don't have to tell anyone. Take this money.

- I took the Hippocratic oath. - Yes, to save people from dying.

- My girls are dying! - We can only take one kidney, Alex.

Am I supposed to choose between ...

leave me now I'm weeping in sorrow

tears are rolling tracing my face

though I might seem shallow and hollow

but my heart's a sensitive place

come again

come again

See you tomorrow, Freddy.

Come when the flowers and trees are in bloom

showing me that it will be summer soon

Being an Organ Donor

Come when I find a way back to my heart

in case you are heading to this foreign part

come again

come again

come again

come again

I fear we're losing him.

Hello, Alex.

That was a close call. Someone's watching out for you.

- Did you take them? - Take what?

- My kidneys. - If we had, you'd be in the mortuary.

But things are bad enough as it is. The overdose you ingested -

- will most likely cost you most of your mobility.

Cetanol is extremely toxic for the nervous system -

- and your legs are in a bad state.

- But, are they okay? - No, I'm afraid not, Alex.

- You'll never walk again. - The girls?

- The girls? - The girls! Are they okay?

The girls ...? Oh, yeah, good news. Great news, Alex.

Yes?

- May I hear it? - May you hear what?

The good news!

Yes, of course! Incredibly, a donor was admitted as we were operating.

It was a man who drowned in a waterskiing accident. A perfect match.

- So, they're okay? - They're in intensive care.

It looks very promising, Alex. Very promising.

- Was it Rene Dif, by any chance? - No, this guy was older.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Alex, a nurse will come and do some muscle tests on you after dinner.

We're having meatloaf, but I'll dig up some yogurt for you instead.

I'd like to say something I have never said before.

Fuck yoghurt. I'm having meatloaf.

Oh, these are irresistible. Fuck yoghurt.

Alex?

You might have a small dick -

- but you have the biggest balls I've ever seen.

That didn't come out right ...

- Coffee with milk. - Thank you.

No!

- Oops. - I'm so sorry!

Don't be. It's okay. I can't feel my legs anyway.

- I didn't mean to! - Of course not. Don't worry about it.

- Coffee with milk! - Isn't that what you wanted?

Yes, absolutely! I love this!

You ask for something and get it. That just brightens my whole day.

Have a great day.

Thank you.

Chick gang!

- Dad! - Hi, sweetie.

- Did you have a good day? - There are only good days.

- Hey! You can raise your arms? - I can hardly get them down.

Do it again! It's so much better now, but Doc said it never would be.

He also said I'd lose my princess. You must have faith in the universe.

- Am I your princess, dad? - You sure are. And she's the queen.

- You're the king. - I am, and this is my wheel-throne.

The king must sing to the princess. Sing 'Video Video'.

'Video Video', oh let me see now ...

I grab your arms and say ...

- There, sweetie. Dad needs a break. - Dad's at a crucial point in the song.

But mom can help, 'cause three sing it even better.

Video-video video It's running night and day

Video-video video and it sure feels alright

Just push the button turn on the TV

Oh oh oh oh I'm a video man

It's much longer Here comes the tough part. 1, 2, 3, 4:

Video Oh oh oh video ...