Original subtitles

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Ugh. Sure is hot today. [chuckles]

- It's not the heat, dumbass.

It's like the, uh, uh--

sun, or something.

[chuckles]

Uh, I'm gonna get some nachos.

[chuckles]

- Damn it.

My door won't open because you parked too close to the pole.

[chuckling] Pole.

- Then come out on my side, dumbass. [chuckles]

- I don't think that's allowed. [chuckles]

It seems kind of weird or something.

- Uh, OK. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckling]

Hey, open the door.

- It's locked. [chuckles]

- So unlock it, dumbass. [chuckles]

- Um, this lock thing, like, broke off.

- So roll down the window, buttmunch.

- OK, OK.

I can't. The car is not on.

This car has sucked since the day we found it.

[chuckles]

- Damn it. I gotta do everything myself.

[chuckles]

Uh, I must have left the keys in the store.

I'll be right back.

- OK, but hurry up, Butt-Head.

It's getting really hot in here.

Like, really, really hot. [chuckles]

- [gargling]

- Uh, excuse me.

- Uh, hey. [chuckles]

I'm just looking for my keys.

Beavis is locked in a hot car. [chuckles]

- Oh, that's serious.

If you accidentally lock a pet or a small child in a hot car,

they can die.

- Whoa. Really?

- [groans]

- Uh, the lady in there says you're not a pet

or, like, a small child, so you're gonna be fine.

- Butt-Head, go in there and find your keys, damn it!

Hurry up!

- OK, OK. Jesus Christ. [chuckles]

- [panting] - Settle down. [chuckles]

[bell rings]

[sighs] That AC sure feels good.

[chuckles]

[fans whirring]

Ooh, there we go. [chuckles]

[sighs]

[car horn honking]

Uh, oh, yeah. [chuckles]

[car horn honking] Uh, have you seen my car keys?

- Nope. I haven't seen 'em.

- Uh, OK.

[car horn honking]

- I think your friend wants you.

- Let me just get a little more AC.

Ooh, yeah. [chuckles]

So good. [chuckles] [car horn honking]

- Is he all right?

- No.

He kind of sucks, but I'm used to him.

[chuckles]

- Butt-Head. [coughs and groans]

Butt-Head, did you find the keys?

- Uh, no.

You're gonna die. [chuckles] - [coughing]

Oh, no. [coughs]

- I'm gonna grab this giant LARP axe.

Now, this is a pretty aggressive--

- Are these, like, those people who, like,

play at the park with fake swords and they have, like,

cardboard king hats and stuff? [chuckles]

- Yeah. He's playing pretend.

[both chuckle]

- Took a while to get to it.

I haven't made many videos recently.

Frankly, I've just been really busy.

I've been traveling a lot for fighting things.

- [chuckling] He's not busy.

He's lying. [chuckles]

- So we'll start with the simplest one first,

which is if you are using your axe--

and I'm a lefty,

but I can fight as a righty for this example.

I'm swinging my axe--

- [grunts] Boy, Jesus.

This guy just goes on and on about axes. [chuckles]

Look at that. Even his wife looks bored with him.

[chuckles]

- She's miserable. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah. Look at her.

She's back there just going, oh, God, here he goes again.

Oh, axe, axe, axe. Oh, this axe.

My double--blah, blah, blah, blah,

axe, blah, blah, axe, axe, axe, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- She's back there thinking,

you know, my mom told me don't marry the guy with the axe.

[chuckles] But I thought I could change him.

I was wrong. [chuckles]

And I've been paying for it ever since. [chuckles]

- Yep, yeah. [chuckles]

He said he was gonna go to law school, but then

he just started playing with his axes. [chuckles]

- Later on, when they get home, she's gonna be like,

uh, we just got home.

You've been talking about axes all day long.

Can we please just talk about something else? [chuckles]

- Then he's gonna be like, OK, yeah, how about hatchets?

Yeah. [chuckles]

A hatchet is like an axe, you see?

An axe and a hatchet and an axe,

literally an axe, axe, axe, axe, axe, axe, axe, axe.

[chuckles]

- One night, I finally got the courage

to kill him with an axe in his sleep,

but then he just had another axe and he blocked me with it.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

I keep a double axe under my pillow at all times.

[chuckles]

- I mean, I'm not gonna not have an axe on me.

I'm not some kind of butthole. [chuckles]

- I think it's a tradeoff to having a one, you know, weapon,

one two-hander versus a sword and shield.

- She's like, OK,

when we go to my friend's wedding this weekend,

can you please not bring your axe? [chuckles]

- And he's like, well, if I don't bring an axe,

how are we gonna cut the cake? [chuckles]

And what if a dragon shows up? [chuckles]

- She's like, I don't want any axes at the wedding

and I don't want you talking about axes. [chuckles]

And then he's like, uh, well, can I still give my toast?

I only mentioned axes, like, three times. [chuckles]

- Yeah, and he's like, you know,

a marriage is like an axe.

It takes two hands working together. [chuckles]

Swinging a blade called commitment forever.

[chuckles]

- The other situation I want to talk about

which I run into pretty frequently,

at least in the way that I fight--

- He went to the store and bought some Axe body spray,

and then he got home and was like, wait a second,

this isn't an axe. [chuckles]

It's just some spray to make me have less BO.

[chuckles] No, thank you.

- Yeah. He's like, BO, it's like my armpit's axe.

[chuckles]

- I use it to block my wife.

[both chuckle]

- I'm gonna take that shot hard.

- [panting and groaning] Butt-Head.

It's getting hard to breathe.

- Uh, OK.

I'll break the window,

but you're paying for the cardboard to replace it.

[chuckles] - OK.

Seems fair.

- Uh, OK.

I'm gonna, like, use some karate.

Stand back. [chuckles]

- Oh, boy.

- Kiyah!

- [groans] Uh, the window's still there, Butt-Head.

- Uh, this window's, like, unbreakable. [chuckles]

- I don't know. - Hang on.

I gotta find something really heavy.

- Hurry! [groans]

There's gotta be something to break this window.

Oh, what's this?

Uh, gl--

a-ass...

[chuckling] Ass.

Damn it, can't break a window with ass. [chuckles]

- OK, dumbass.

I'm gonna throw this beer through the window.

- That's a great idea, yeah!

Just hurry up.

- Hold on.

Can't do this dehydrated. [chuckles]

- Oh. Oh, that looks good. Oh.

- [sighs] OK, here we go.

[chuckles]

[grunts]

[chuckles]

- Butt-Head.

Butt-Head, I think it needs to be a full beer.

- Uh, I gotta buy another one.

There's 3 bucks in the glove compartment.

Open the door. [chuckles]

- Butt-Head, the door won't open!

That's why I'm in here!

- Uh, oh, yeah. [chuckles]

So you are. [chuckling] - [coughs and groans]

- [groaning]

- Don't worry, Beavis, I got this hose.

I'll squirt water on the car to cool it off. [chuckles]

- Hose. [chuckles]

And squirt. [chuckles]

- Wait a minute.

I can just stick the hose in the rust hole in the roof.

- Whoa! [sighs] I feel better.

Oh, that feels great. Oh, thank you, Butt-Head.

- I'm, like, a hero or something.

I saved a stranger's life. [chuckles]

- Oh, I can breathe and stuff.

Yeah. Oh, this is good.

Oh, yeah. [sighs]

We should have thought of this whole thing a long time ago.

[muffled bubbling speech]

- Damn it, Beavis, you ungrateful son of a bitch.

What are you complaining about now?

I can't hear a word you're saying.

[horn honks]

[muffled bubbling speech]

- Ow! Ow.

Whoa, I got out. [chuckles]

Damn it.

- Beavis, I saved you again. [chuckles]

I'm a good person. [chuckles]

- [groans] I think, like, my legs are broken or something.

- That's cool. [chuckles]

I'm gonna go back and get some more AC.

Don't forget you owe me a piece of cardboard.

[bluesy rock music]