Original subtitles

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Time for another day of ruining school for others.

[both chuckle]

- Good luck learning today, dumbasses.

[both chuckle]

- Ugh. - [sniffles]

both: Ugh. - What stinks?

[chuckles]

- I think it's a dead animal. [chuckles]

- Cool. [chuckles]

[flies buzzing]

- Yep. [sighs] This guy is DOA.

[chuckles]

- He put up a good fight, but in the end, he was a quitter.

[both chuckle]

[birds singing]

- Um, uh, where are anyway? [chuckles]

- We're in the woods, dumbass. [chuckles]

- Yeah, but, um-- but where in the woods?

[chuckles]

- Uh, next to some trees or something.

I don't know.

[chuckles]

- So um, so how do we, um-- how do we get back then?

[chuckles]

- Uh, I, like, don't know. [chuckles]

- So you don't, um--[chuckles]

you don't know, um-- I'm just gonna, um--[chuckles]

I was gonna maybe see if there's a--

a--a path or some kind of, um--

[dramatic music]

Help! Anyone!

We're, like, two young boys lost in the woods!

Help, help!

We're lost, Butt-Head.

We're really lost! No one's ever gonna find us!

[screams] - Damn it, Beavis, settle down.

We gotta, like, stay put

and, like, wait for the first desponders.

[chuckles]

[birds singing]

Uh, you're right. No one's coming.

We're gonna die here. [chuckles]

And an animal's gonna eat our schlongs.

[chuckles] - Oh, boy.

[Hardy's "Jim Bob"]

- [chuckles] It says bi.

[both chuckle]

- Oh, yeah.

- [chuckles]

- ♪ Jim Bob drinks his coffee ♪

♪ With a Pall Mall and a Keystone ♪

- Wait a second. This looks familiar.

[chuckles] Whoa! Whoa, that's my grandpa! Yeah!

[chuckles]

- Uh, no, this is Jim Bob. [chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, James Roberts Beavis.

Yeah, yeah, that's my grandpa, yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, he lives outside of Houston.

Yeah. [chuckles]

My mom sent me there

when she was going on a cruise with this guy.

Yeah. [chuckles]

It was, like, a really long cruise, too,

'cause she didn't come back for, like, a year.

- ♪ Make it go pow, pow, pow ♪

♪ Somebody gonna go wow, wow, wow ♪

- That's not your grandpa, Beavis.

- Yeah, no, that's him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember this, yeah.

Yeah, this is when the FBI arrested him.

I didn't know they were filming it.

- ♪ All I wanna do until they lay my body down's ♪

♪ Take my pills, pay my bills ♪

- Beavis, if the FBI brought me in for questioning,

I'd inform on you so fast. [chuckles]

And then when they said, sir, you're allowed one phone call,

I'd call your mom. [chuckles]

- Shut up, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

- Hey, Beavis's Mom.

My lawyer couldn't get me off, but maybe you could.

[chuckles]

- Come on, Butt-Head. That's too far. Come on.

[both chuckle]

- ♪ All I wanna do until they lay my body down's ♪

♪ Take my pills, pay my bills ♪

♪ Blow the rest all on some Crown ♪

- You see, Butt-Head, that's the good thing about

living in the country, you know? [chuckles]

You can go away, leave your gun out on the front porch,

and you come back and it's still there.

[both chuckle]

And all the bullets are still in it.

- ♪ That boy's got some demons ♪

- That kicks ass. [chuckles]

- It's just a simpler way of life, you know?

[both chuckle]

I remember after this, he went to be with Grandma.

[chuckles]

- Uh, he died?

- No, no. He went in a room and they scored. [chuckles]

It was really, like, loud and gross.

[both chuckle]

And then after that, he went to see the man upstairs.

[chuckles]

- Uh...

so he, like, went up in the attic

to score with some dude? [chuckles]

- No, no. He died. What are you talking about?

He had a heart attack when he scored with my grandma.

[chuckles] Jesus, Butt-Head.

His schlong went pow, pow, pow,

and so did this big artery in his chest.

[both chuckle]

She was trapped under him for 12 hours. [chuckles]

- Uh, did you try to help her? [chuckles]

- No. I thought she was just making sex sounds.

No way I was gonna go in there. [chuckles]

Sounds like a you problem, Grandma. [chuckles]

- Damn it, Butt-Head.

I don't want to die in the woods.

There's no food here.

And no chicks!

How are we supposed to score? [chuckles]

- Don't worry, Beavis.

I just thought of something.

This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[chuckles] - It is?

- We are the first men to ever set foot in these woods.

There are no dumbasses here

to tell us we can't do stuff that's cool

and have to do stuff that sucks.

This is our chance to start our own civilization.

[chuckles]

- Whoa.

- School will be illegal.

There will be free money for everyone.

Acting like a butthole shall be outlawed.

Soon, chicks will be drawn to our civilization.

And then we will score. [chuckles]

- Yes! [chuckles]

- And it shall be called Schlongmerica.

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah!

To Schlongmerica! [both chuckle]

[majestic orchestral music]

[tapping] - [grunts]

Ow. Damn it. [chuckles]

- Hey, Butt-Head!

- Remember to salute the flag, Beavis.

[chuckles] - Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I pledge of allegiance to the schlong.

Check it out.

I found some berries. [chuckles]

- Remember to share them, Beavis.

You know the laws.

Law number one: obey the laws.

Law number two: share everything.

Law number three: do not be a butthole.

Law number four, no spanking your monkey, has been vetoed.

[chuckles]

- OK, Butt-Head.

Time to share the berries. [chuckles]

Hey, these are pretty good.

They--[retching]

- Now share me your hat.

Law number two. [chuckles]

- No, wait.

I don't want to share it, Butt-Head.

It's my hat.

- Law number three: do not be a butthole.

- No way!

I'm not doing that law.

That law sucks.

- Law number one: obey the laws.

- Damn it! [chuckles]

- And with this crown, I am now king of Schlongmerica.

[chuckles]

- No, you're not!

Now you're the one that's being a butthole.

That's rule, like, number one or something. [chuckles]

[yelps]

- As king, that law is now canceled. [chuckles]

- Son of a bitch!

- New law number one: make more weapons.

I'll make arrowheads and you go find some shafts.

[chuckles] Shafts.

[chuckles]

- Schlongmerica sucks. There's no chicks here.

It's been so long since I've seen a chick or--

or even some porn.

That'd be nice.

Whoa. [chuckles] What have we here?

[chuckles]

[soft suspenseful music]

Oh, hello. [chuckles]

You know, this is close enough.

Just gotta fix one thing here.

[chuckling] Ooh, yeah.

Marsha's a dirty girl. [chuckles]

Butt-Head's gonna want this.

But it's all mine. [chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckles]

I found one stick and nothing else.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis.

Everything in this forest is made of stick.

Now sit here and make some damn arrowheads

while I go look for some more shafts.

[chuckling] Shafts.

- [grunting] Tonight, I will sneak out and see you, Marsha.

And Butt-Head will never know. [chuckles]

Whoa. That's a lot of sticks. [chuckles]

- They were easy to find.

But you can find a lot of things in the woods,

can't you, Beavis?

Like this.

[dramatic music]

- Marsha! Hey, let her go!

[chuckles]

- You were hiding her.

The law says we share everything. [chuckles]

- I'm not sharing my woman.

- You'll do what the king tells you to do.

[chuckles]

- You're not my king! - You will respect the law.

- Well, you need to respect my foot up your--

Ow! [grunts]

- Damn it, Beavis, you messed up our perfect society.

And now your blood must make it whole.

[chuckles] Whole.

[both chuckle] - Whole.

[both chuckle]

- I hate to have to kill you with a spear, Beavis,

but the good of Schlongmerica must come first. [chuckles]

- Let's get it over with.

Come on. [chuckles]

- Very well. [chuckles]

Let the blood of this traitor bring peace to Schlongmerica.

[chuckles]

[grunting]

- Butt-Head, that sort of hurts.

Come on. Hey, that's cold.

- Die already, you dumbass.

- What are you boys doing out here?

- Uh, we were sacrificing Beavis.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, I broke the laws of our new society

because I scored with a coffee cup.

[chuckles] And I'd do it again.

I stand by it. Yeah. [chuckles]

- [grunts] - Hey, cut it out!

Come on! [chuckles]

- OK, stop that.

You've only been here for 45 minutes.

I could see the whole thing from school.

Mm-kay?

- Uh, how could you see us?

- Take a step to your left, Butt-Head.

- Uh, school sucks.

[chuckles]

- Now let's all open our textbooks--

- We should, like, go back to Schlongmerica. [chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

But this time, no laws. [chuckles]

- And everyone is king.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Shafts. [both chuckle]

- Yeah. Shafts.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪