Original subtitles

[♪♪]

[BELL CLANGS]

The plane! The plane!

[GIGGLING]

Do I understand

you’re graduating from something, Tattoo?

No, boss.

It’s a new science

of planting diplomas.

For 50 bucks I can make anybody a PhD

in anything they want.

You’re running a diploma mill?

Well, I thought they would bring class to the island.

I’m running a special this week.

For 10 bucks apiece,

I can make you a bachelor degree.

[LAUGHS]

[GIBBERING]

Now wait a minute.

You are making Chester a doctor?

Don’t worry, Boss.

He cannot practice yet.

He still owes me 30 pounds of bananas for his tuition.

Our guests are waiting.

[♪♪]

[CHESTER CONTINUES GIBBERING]

TATTOO: Boss, boss. Wait for me.

[♪♪]

Smiles, everyone, smiles.

[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

ROARKE: Mrs. Drusilla Roberts of Boston, Massachusetts.

TATTOO: Hmm. She looks familiar, but--

ROARKE: Obviously you don’t recognize her

without a uniform and a helmet.

TATTOO: Don’t tell me. She’s Rowdy Roberts.

The lead jammer for the Boston Bruisers.

I watch her on TV all the time.

I know, I know.

Yes, it is indeed Rowdy Roberts.

Hails far and wide as queen of the roller-skaters.

I know what her fantasy is.

What?

She wants to beat up Hooligan Hanreddy

without the referees stopping her.

Hooligan Hanreddy?

Yes.

She’s Rowdy’s worst enemy.

She’s a terrible woman.

She skates for the Cleveland Commanders.

I see. Well, I’m happy to say

Rowdy wants something very different.

Her fantasy for the weekend is to be a lady, Tattoo.

Rowdy, a lady?

Yes, my friend.

You see, she believes

her daughter’s happiness depends on it.

Hmm.

ROARKE: Mr. and Mrs. Ted Garman.

He’s a man on his way up.

Perhaps destined for the very top.

As an assistant district attorney,

he’s made an enviable reputation.

Now his wife wants him to run for attorney general.

What’s his fantasy?

Or is it hers?

Neither.

It’s the fantasy of Mr. Joe Beck,

the other gentleman.

You see, Lieutenant Garman

was a platoon leader in Vietnam.

Now ex-sergeant Beck

has asked his lieutenant here

to relive the most exciting experience of their lives.

The three days they spent in the jungle

trying to escape from the Vietcong.

Why will they want to go through that again?

Mr. Beck apparently has his reasons.

And Mr. Garman, who hardly refused

when his old buddy put it to him

as a matter of life and death.

[♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE]

My dear guests, I am Mr. Roarke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

[♪♪]

A meal fit for a queen.

Oh, Tattoo, thank you.

Oh, son of a gun.

A gal could sure overdose on the calories around here.

Mrs. Roberts, can you do me a favor please,

and sign my autograph book?

Only if you drop the "missus".

Just call me Rowdy.

I’ve been a widow for 12 years now.

I can’t call you Rowdy.

Your identity is top secret.

Oh, yeah, that’s right.

Mrs. Roberts, are you enjoying yourself?

Well, Mr. Roarke, I’d enjoy myself a lot more

if I could feel sure that I could pass muster

as a refined lady.

Pass muster?

My daughter’s marrying into a socially

prominent family, Tattoo.

You ever heard of Wendover Steel?

Wendover Steel. They have a lot of money.

Mrs. Roberts fears the Wendovers

will not accept her daughter Shirley,

if they find out her mother is actually

a professional roller skater with the Boston Bruisers.

You mean they are snobs?

Hey, look. Just tell me right out

if you think you can’t do it. I may be a hopeless case.

Oh, come now, Mrs. Roberts. Where is your faith?

This is Fantasy Island.

And here anything is possible.

Do you see that gentleman over there?

ROWDY: Uh-huh. ROARKE: He is Felix Van Dyke.

He will be teaching you the social graces.

TATTOO: I picked him out myself.

He came highly recommended by my cousin Hugo.

Your cousin Hugo?

I thought after our last business deal with him,

we agreed--

But, boss, this guy is a winner.

And very cheap.

Mrs. Roberts, may I introduce Mr. Felix Van Dyke.

Well, it’s a pleasure.

So you’re gonna turn me into a lady, huh?

Well?

Well?

Oh, I get it.

It’s a sort of joke.

A joke? What do you mean by joke?

Well, Tattoo, I could as easily turn her into a lady

as I could turn you into a basketball center.

I knew it. I knew it was too much to wish for.

Rowdy. Wait, Rowdy.

If this jerk cannot make you a lady,

I’m sure that Mr. Roarke and I can help you.

Mr. Roarke can do anything.

Well, if my professional opinion is not to be respected.

I must apologize

for Mr. Van Dyke’s rudeness, Mrs. Roberts.

I am truly sorry.

Your cousin Hugo.

Mr. Roarke,

is what Tattoo said right?

Could you still make me a lady?

If you are certain that it’s really what you want.

Oh, Mr. Roarke,

all my life what I am is--

Well, it’s just never really been good enough.

Even when I was a little girl.

You know, I was husky.

I was strong. I--

I was big.

Oh, darn. I was ugly.

I was so ugly, nobody paid any attention to me

unless I out-boy’ed the boys.

Oh ,if I could just pull it off just this once.

If I could just...

be frilly and refined.

Don’t you see, I--

I want my little girl to be proud of me.

Please?

Mrs. Roberts,

you shall be the grandest lady on Fantasy Island.

[♪♪]

TED: I wonder why we’re here.

This idea is beginning to seem so ridiculous.

My dear husband,

can’t you get it through your head,

you are becoming an important man,

with a future?

[SCOFFS]

That seems to worry you more than it does me.

Why can’t I just do the job the best way I know how?

I only want you to do good on a bigger scale.

Now, honey, if you decide to try for Attorney General,

this reunion will remind people you were a war hero.

Yeah, well, maybe you’re right.

But spending three days on an island paradise with Joe Beck

is not exactly my idea of paradise.

Ted, the poor guy’s been in and out

of one VA hospital after another.

Now if this helps us,

I’m hoping it helps him too.

[♪♪]

Toulouse-Lautrec.

Very good.

Picasso.

Yes. Yes.

Rembrandt.

You’re doing fine.

Playboy.

Playboy?

Well, she’s naked, ain’t she?

Now let’s see. Uh...

Panama takes control of its canal in what year?

2000.

Excellent.

Mr. Roarke,

if Panama gains control of its canal

in the year 2000,

who’s got it now?

[RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING] And a one, two, three.

[SCREAMS]

Ouch!

Oh, Tattoo, I’m sorry.

I’ve got all the grace of a drunken giraffe.

And a one, two, three. And a one, two, three.

And a one-- Ouch!

Maybe I ought to do what I’m best at.

What’s that?

Intermission.

[SIGHS]

Boss, did you ever have a fantasy who did not work?

[♪♪]

This is incredible.

Looks just like Miechow Point.

TED: Even the river down there.

This is a fantastic recreation, Mr. Roarke.

I am so glad you’re pleased.

I believe your unit escaped the Vietcong prison camp

during the night, am I correct?

That’s right. The only way we made it

was to slip out one at a time.

Ten-minute intervals.

We could see this hill

from the camp down below.

We used that as our rendezvous point.

So you were 32 miles inside of enemy-held territory.

That’s how far we had to go to make it back to our lines.

That’s almost exactly how far you must go now.

But I must warn you,

in a fantasy this exotic,

I cannot guarantee your safety.

Once you begin, you’re out of my hands.

Of course you may turn back now...

or never more.

Don’t worry, Mr. Roarke. No one’s turning back.

And you feel the same, Mr. Garman?

Yes. I guess I do.

Then from here you are on your own.

Good luck, soldiers. Thank you, Mr. Roarke.

[HELICOPTER ENGINE WHIRRING]

Joe, we’re here.

Finally.

It’s about time you told me what it’s all about I think.

You said something about life and death.

It is.

Believe me.

Eh, Joe,

I know about the troubles you’ve had since ’Nam.

I’m all right.

I’m all right.

So don’t get your hopes up.

Don’t...

Don’t get my hopes up.

I packed these myself.

These are combat packs.

What’s in them? The usual.

And a couple of identical knock down M-76’s.

M-76’s? Seven clips each.

Seven clips each? What for?

There can’t be that many animals in this jungle.

For our private little war.

Which starts in exactly...

10 minutes.

Our private war?

Why?

You’re pretending you don’t know?

After you got what was left of my squad

and my kid brother, Jack, massacred by those Con.

That’s what you think?

I wasn’t even there!

You were out spilling your guts to the Con!

To save your own skin!

Are you crazy?

Let’s be sensible about this.

You better move it, sir.

You have eight and a half minutes.

Now you’re being sensible, sir.

Nothing will save you.

Now run!

This war is about to start.

[MACHINE GUN FIRING]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

TV ANNOUNCER: Watch out.

Here comes Rowdy Roberts,

and she is upset.

She’s jamming. Race for Latoy. Watch out.

Latoy takes a header over the railing.

Wait a minute. Hold the phones.

Here comes Hooligan Hanreddy.

She’s turning around to challenge Rowdy.

She’s going toward Rowdy’s

irresistible force.

It is open undeclared warfare.

Everybody on top of Roberts. They’re going at it.

The referees on the act.

All three on the floor. No, all four,

another referee into the act. Stay with us folks

when the Bruisers and Commandos get together,

anything can happen and usually does.

And the crowd is going absolutely insane.

Now down to you, Nick.

Well, folks, here she is,

the Boston Bruiser, Rowdy Robinson.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh. Oh.

Wait a minute, ladies.

And I use that term loosely.

Let’s not have another one of our famous

turning and hitting on television.

I just want to have

a nice quiet word with Rowdy

about what we can expect to see in the second half.

You can expect to see stars.

I’m gonna get you, pistol neck.

I’m gonna break your arms.

And then I’m gonna break your legs.

Hey. It’s a delayed tape of the playoffs.

It was Boston vs. Cleveland.

We won 82 to 80.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]

Well, Tattoo, how do I look?

Mr. Roarke picked out everything personally.

Rowdy, you look beautiful. Very elegant.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you both for everything.

Oh, it’s our pleasure.

However, something has been puzzling me, Mrs. Roberts.

Just how long do you and your daughter plan

to delude the Wendovers?

Delude?

Well, your true identity

must come out eventually.

Is this duplicity wise?

No. No, it’s just something that just got started

and never got stopped.

But do you think it’s that bad

if I don’t tell after the wedding?

TATTOO: Talking about the wedding,

Shirley and the Wendovers just arrived.

Yes.

In fact, it’s time for you to meet the wedding party.

Oh.

Mr. Roarke, I’m scared to death.

I mean, just the thought of facing those Wendovers

and all their millions.

Money is not everything.

What am I saying?

Hey, you know,

I know you fellas tried your best,

but I just see a 40-year-old 14-carat fraud.

Oh. Come now, Mrs. Roberts.

Where’s your faith?

I told you this is Fantasy Island.

JOE: I’m coming, Garman!

I’m coming!

[GRUNTING]

[MACHINE GUN FIRING]

Joe, listen to reason!

Look. I’ve checked up on you.

Those hospitals.

I know you had problems getting your head straight.

After all, I never blamed you.

Blamed me?

For what?

For setting us up and saving yourself.

You’re saying I sold you out?

Who stayed warm and cozy with the Congs till the clear end?

When everybody else died but me.

You’re a liar, Garman!

You got my brother killed and you’re gonna pay for it!

All right, Joe.

If that’s the way you want it,

from now on it’s either you or me.

[♪♪]

[PANTING]

Oh, Mr. Roarke, your plan is really working.

Only been here a week

and the doctor says I’ve lost 50 pounds.

And getting in great shape.

Oh. Congratulations, Mr. Busby.

In another week you’ll be down to an extra large sweat suit.

Oh, and I owe it all to you, Mr. Roarke.

All those years I tried losing weight,

but never had the willpower to stay on the diets.

Or exercise seriously.

That is, not until I came here.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Roarke.

Oh, thank Tattoo.

I placed him in personal charge

of your training program.

Come on now.

Hurry now. Hurry.

Ooh!

Tattoo, what was that all about?

Oh, it’s part of Mr. Busby’s training program.

You don’t mean-- Oh, yes. I told Mr. Busby

if he could catch one, well, he could keep her.

If--

[♪♪]

[LAUGHS]

Wait for me! Keep it up now.

Slow down! Oh, you’re doing great.

You’ve certainly planned a beautiful wedding, Mrs. Roberts.

Thank you.

Shirley tells me you’re in ball bearings.

[LAUGHS]

Well, you might say that.

Are you or are you not in ball bearings?

Well, actually Aunt Betty-- May I call you Aunt Betty?

No, you may call me Mrs. Wendover.

Oh.

Well, Miss...

It’s really no big thing.

It’s nothing compared to Wendover Steel.

Let’s go for a walk.

[♪♪]

They sure do make

a great-looking couple, don’t they?

Where’s your husband?

Oh. There’s no room in my life for a husband.

You see, since my brother’s wife died,

I’ve managed his entire household.

And had the responsibility of bringing his son up properly.

And almost made a full time job of protecting the Wendover name

and social standing.

Protecting it from what?

From the wrong sort of people.

Kirk...

that business about my mother being in ball bearings?

I never should have mentioned it.

Honey,

I don’t care if she’s in ball bearings

or on the FBI most wanted list.

I’m not interested in your mother.

I want to marry you.

Kirk. Shh.

Oh, there you are.

Come on, children. I want to get this over with fast.

Life is so complicated today.

Weddings always used to be alike.

Now every couple wants to stage their own

like they’re Gene Kelly or something.

Thank heavens you don’t want anything fancy because

we can do it fast. Now turn around.

That’s it. That’s it.

Now, when I pronounce you man and wife,

you kiss the bride.

Go ahead.

Are there any questions?

In that case, I’ll see you tomorrow.

And maybe this is my day to make par.

[♪♪]

Hello, Reverend.

Everything will be just fine.

Oh, good. Good.

[♪♪]

ROWDY: Oh, no. It’s Hooligan Hanreddy.

[INSECT CHIRPS]

[GRUNTS]

[CRACKING]

[HOOTS]

[GUNFIRE]

[♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Is Mr. Roarke here?

It’s an emergency.

What is it, Mrs. Roberts?

Hooligan Hanreddy is here.

Well, she’s my very worst enemy.

She’s right here on the island.

And I just know she’s gonna blow my cover.

Be calm please. How can I be calm?

You promised me that my daughter’s marriage

would go off without a hitch.

Oh, I hate to contradict you, Mrs. Roberts,

but I made no such promise.

You did-- No, I guaranteed

that you would be a gentile lady for the weekend,

during which time you would give your daughter

away in marriage. You do not seem to understand.

If Hooligan and I get together,

there is no way I can be a gentile lady.

In that case I suggest you not get together

with Miss Hanreddy. How am I gonna do that?

Well, let’s see now.

All we have is the prenuptial dinner tomorrow night.

The wedding the day after that.

Both private affairs.

So if we restrict them to guests only,

we should be able to avert World War III.

Don’t you think?

[♪♪]

♪ Carry on for IFC ♪

♪ Param, param To victory ♪

♪ Our alma mater here Looks up to you ♪

♪ I do declare-- ♪ What’s going on here?

Nothing. N-n-nothing, nothing, boss.

Something is certainly going on and I want to know what.

It’s just the old class who came back for Alumni Day.

They wanted to sing the--

The fight song one more time, you know?

Did they really?

Mm-hmm.

And what, may I ask, is that?

Oh, that.

Well, they made me take it.

It’s the-- The endowment for the Fantasy Island College.

Well, I suggest that you return it immediately

and all of you get back to work.

Endowment fund indeed.

Okay, boss. Okay, just a second.

There. There.

There.

Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Come on.

How do you like that, Chester?

[GIBBERS]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Joe, for God’s sake!

For the last time, listen to me.

Now look.

I’ve got a wife I love.

Two kids and a future.

And I’m not gonna let you take all that away.

Even if I have to kill you to stop you!

Now let’s go back.

[PANTS]

And I will never mention what you did again.

What I did?

Why you--

[YELLING]

[♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

[SPITS]

ROWDY: Shirley,

do I look all right?

You’re the most beautiful mother in the whole world.

Oh, baby.

Just think tomorrow you’ll be Mrs. Wendover

of Wendover Steel.

I owe it all to you.

If you hadn’t sent me to all the right schools.

Insisted I do all the right things.

I never would have met Kirk.

You really do love him, don’t you?

Yeah. I love you too.

How does a daughter ever say thank you?

By just living happily ever after.

Kirk and I are gonna live a happily ever after life.

I just know it.

I’ve been here over a day.

It’s about time somebody told me what I’m doing here.

Is the guy on his way over? Now? You sure?

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Oh, somebody’s knocking.

It’s probably him. Goodbye.

Who are you? Ms. Betty Wendover.

But you’re not the guy who was expected.

The guy who sent you a plane ticket

and $2500 expenses to come here?

Yeah. How’d you know that?

Because I am the guy.

Now may I please come in?

Sure.

As long as you’re paying.

Now.

Miss Hanreddy, I hired a private detective

to investigate the family of the girl

my nephew intends to marry.

What I discovered was,

well,

the reason I hired you to come here.

To do what?

Break up that marriage before it happens.

[♪♪]

[PLAYING HAWAIIAN MUSIC]

You know, you were right

about not running into Hooligan Hanreddy.

God, I think I just panicked last night.

Excuse me. I’m cutting in.

But we just got started, Tattoo.

Sorry, boss.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Tattoo, thank you.

For what? The two of you ladifying me.

I never could have made it without you.

Oh, I’d do anything for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give me your attention.

Will you please gather around?

I want you to know

that you’re looking at an extremely happy man.

A man who is about to gain a beautiful daughter.

And what I want to do

is propose a toast...

to the merger of two illustrious families.

The Roberts and the Wendovers.

And to show you how illustrious one of those families is...

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

HOOLIGAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

I’d like to introduce a real celebrity

right here in your own midst.

She’s lead jammer for the Boston Bruisers.

And here’s some action shots of the only, the one,

the original Rowdy Roberts.

With a better right cross than Mohammed Ali.

[LAUGHTER]

As gentile a noble woman as you’ll ever meet.

Did I say noble woman?

And a fatty flop that’ll do justice to the Keystone Cops.

Yes, sir, ladies and gents.

Poetry in motion.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you can see how modest she looks.

She’s also happy.

Yes, sir. Queen of the roller circuit.

Married her daughter off to Wendover Steel.

That’s enough. That’s enough, Hooligan.

You’ve done enough already. I’m warning you.

I think Rowdy Roberts ought to make a speech

about how it feels for a lowly roller game skater to--

To mix with all you high and mighty blue bloods.

HOOLIGAN: What about it folks, huh?

Yeah. What about it--?

Oh, no!

[YELLS]

Roberts, I’m gonna--

I warned you, Hooligan! I warned you!

Oh, no!

[AUDIENCE MOANS]

[GASPS]

I’ll get you for that.

What’s going on here?

A conspiracy to discredit

Mrs. Roberts and her daughter, I’m afraid.

To discredit her?

For what reason?

No one from that background

is good enough to marry a Wendover.

ROARKE: Not good enough indeed.

Well, I suppose that depends on what standards you apply.

Let me tell you

a brief story of motherly love, Miss Wendover.

Mrs. Roberts, Rowdy,

was widowed when her daughter was nine years old.

Because her husband left her no insurance,

she was forced to find work.

Not just any kind of job.

But one that paid enough to give her daughter

something she never had.

The very best of everything.

Including the most expensive finishing school in existence.

Do you have any idea what it must be like

to become a professional roller skater

at 32 years of age?

Traveling from one end of the country to the other.

Then back again.

Staying in sleazy hotels.

Having your bones broken

and going right back for more punishment.

That’s just part

of what Mrs. Rowdy Roberts is all about, Ms. Wendover.

And all she wanted

was to be a lady for the weekend...

so that her daughter could be happy.

And you and your petty vindictiveness

had to take that away from her.

You should feel very proud of yourself, Ms. Wendover.

Excuse me.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[HEAVY EXPLOSION]

[YELLS]

It’s not over yet, Garman.

Not while we’re both alive.

You killed my brother.

And somehow I’m gonna kill you.

[LAUGHS]

This is just like the first war, Joe.

Two cavemen hating each other’s guts.

It’s the last stop.

And one of us isn’t gonna walk away.

MAN: No! No! Stop!

Don’t you hear me? I said stop.

That’s enough. There’s no need. It’s over.

MAN: It’s been over for a long time.

Jack?

My brother’s dead.

No, Jack is not dead.

Up till now that’s what he wanted everyone to believe.

But why?

Joe.

Joe, it-- It was m-- It was me.

Don’t you see? It was me.

The Cong tortured me.

I’m the one who blew the whistle.

It’s my fault those guys died on Miechow.

It’s not his.

It’s not yours.

After the incident, your brother deserted.

When the war was over,

he managed to get to Singapore

where he’s been living ever since.

Please, forgive me.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Oh, babe, I am so sorry.

You know, I should have known not to masquerade

as something I’m not.

Please stop blaming yourself, Mother.

You did the best you knew how.

And I’m proud of you. Shirley.

I was going crazy trying to call you all night.

SHIRLEY: I know. I really didn’t want to talk to anybody.

Look. I don’t care what your mother does.

I love you. I want to marry you.

If you want to know the truth, I think you’re terrific.

Excuse me.

Please accept the apology of a very embarrassed father.

I thought my sister was a lady,

but that’s before I met you and Shirley.

[♪♪]

Well, I... I accept your apology.

If those two are happy.

Well, the title of a lady I don’t quite qualify for.

Not after what I did to Hanreddy.

My late wife was a lady.

She would have done exactly what you did.

Know where I first met her?

She was a wing walker with an aerial circus.

Well, what about the wedding?

Is it still on?

Tattoo, will you call the minister please

and tell him to cancel his tee off time?

The ceremony will go on as scheduled this afternoon.

Yes, boss.

[♪♪]

[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, I don’t know why,

but I just have the feeling

that you knew that we had to play this out to the end.

But it isn’t over.

Not yet.

What about Joe’s brother?

He wants to go home, but he’s afraid to be prosecuted.

Consider...

an 18-year-old boy face to face with death.

Panics.

Since he’s already lived through nine years of hell...

You’re the one who can end this war, Ted.

Once and for all.

The boy could use a good lawyer.

All right, baby.

Joe...

maybe when we get back working together,

we can straighten this whole thing out, all right?

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Jackie.

[WHIMPERING]

Not now, you stupid monkey.

Tattoo, what’s wrong with Chester?

Oh, nothing, boss.

He just reminded me of something I have to do.

[CHESTER SNARLING] Shh.

Not yet.

Don’t tell me you haven’t returned his tuition yet.

Oh, I did, boss.

But he didn’t want it back. None of them did.

Tattoo, I am surprised at you.

It’s okay, boss.

We found something better to spend it on.

What?

A surprise party.

Happy birthday, boss.

Come on, kids.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

Thank you, my friend.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]