Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

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[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

- Paint it. - Pardon me?

Yeah, paint it. I'd go with a latex too.

You know, when I went into the P.R. business,

I never realized it stood for "personal ruin."

[ Sighs ]

Hey, hey, buddy.

- What, she break your heart or take a shot at you? - Don't ask.

- Hey, you want to talk about it? - I said don't ask, okay?

Well, come on, Joe.

What is it, your P.R. business, your clients or what?

My business. Hmm. What business?

What about the Garshbuller's Candied Dental Floss Company?

Ah, hit with a class action tooth decay suit.

And to be honest with you, I'm sick and tired of promoting the Blue Underwear Company.

Although at least, they're still in business.

But blue underwear-- [ Chuckles ] it turns my stomach.

Who wears blue underwear, huh? Am I right? It's offensive.

Well, yeah, okay, all right, but, uh--

Okay, how about that guy, uh, the swimmer?

Gadstone Simkins?

Don't ask. I get him write-ups in the New Yorker.

All the papers. He does interviews on radio, TV, the whole works.

- [ Thunder Rumbling ] - A snowball of publicity, right?

'Cause he's a local kid gonna swim the English Channel...

backstroke.

Now that's a new twist. [ Sighs ]

So, is it my fault the guy swims headfirst into a rock the size of a truck...

a lousy 20 yards short of the Gallic shoreline?

And he's wearing blue underwear.

Stuff will kill ya.

Ah, gee, Joe, that's-- must have been terrible. He okay?

Yeah, he's okay. Yeah.

He's as dumb as your socks now, but he'll be all right.

Gee. Well, I can understand how come you might be a little blue.

Don't say blue, please?

And you don't understand yet,

'cause I haven't done anything but play the overture here.

The clarinets are still cold.

Couple of weeks back, I go to my office.

What we're try to pull together here, Mr. Willoughby--

Is a contest. A beauty contest.

Hmm. Coffee, Miss Schroedinger.

Fast like a bunny.

I love contests. Just love 'em.

But no animals, okay?

I don't work with animals.

This is strictly people.

We want to call it the "Miss Stardust Contest."

I got you. You play up the whole galaxy angle, right?

That's big. I like it.

It's got nerve.

Well, I'm your man.

Now, who had the cream?

Just put it down, honey. The boys will tie their own bibs, hey, guys?

It's real cream, you know. Or maybe it's half and half and half. I forget.

[ Coughs ] You know, it's really stuffy in here.

Not exactly the theory of relativity, but she's a good kid.

Clean. Very clean.

The reason we looked you up is because we like the way...

you managed Mr. Simkins in the last couple of weeks.

Yeah. Too bad he had to make like the Titanic and suck surf, huh?

The point was, you had a fresh angle.

- Imagination. - Journalistic joie de vivre.

What?

Hey, you guys plannin' to pay up front, right?

Substantially.

It's a deal.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

- So you had it made, right? - [ Thunder Rumbling ]

Yeah, things looked good. Real good.

Jumbo coin.

And then the day of the pageant... trouble.

Big trouble.

- The cabbage showed up. - [ Thunderclap ]

...to the show. Places! Places! Two minutes.

[ Joe Narrating ] You know, Mikey, it hadn't rained on that date...

since 1867 in this town.

But on the day of my contest, it pours.

I didn't like it. Bad omen.

But, hey, I had fun with it.

Well, what have we here? Kukla, Fran and 0llie together again, huh?

- [ Man ] Let's go, ladies. - Just tuggin' on your toes. Just tuggin' on your toes.

You guys must be the judges, huh? Joe Willoughby here.

Ow. [ Chuckles ] Well, is the hour nearly at hand or what?

Pulchritude awaits us.

The perfect interstellar babe is knocking on heaven's door.

[ Man ] Let's go, girls. Come on, come on. Let's go. Places. Places.

Let's go. Hurry up. Come on.

- Places. - [ Thunderclap ]

Oh, that's some hot-looking storm there.

[ Rumbling, Creaking ]

[ Joe Narrating ] Mikey, all I can tell you is...

this thing was definitely not from New York.

At least not midtown Manhattan.

It was like a cross between Crazy Eddie and a produce department.

But there it was, big as life. And it spoke.

You're in charge?

[ Joe Narrating ] It was the Green Grocer's fantasy.

And it was staring me down.

Very well. Since no one present seems capable of speech,

I shall state our case and depart.

- Your case? - Ah, verbal skills. Excellent.

Hear me well. This contest is declared void.

You have most inappropriately named this event the Miss Stardust Contest.

Your choice is more than unwise.

It is obnoxious, naive and insulting to a serious degree.

Is this understood?

Hey, go find yourself some corned beef, okay?

You are warned!

Who is this guy? What do you want?

One of two things-- a change in the contest title,

because there's already been a contest with the same name...

or representation.

- Are you saying you got a copyright on the name? - We need no copyright!

We have the necessary potency to apply coercion to your world!

And do not strain our patience.

[ Joe Narrating ] Somewhere in the back alleys and secret passages...

of my P.R. man's mind, Mikey,

it came forward, rushing toward my forehead-- an idea.

An idea that was almost--

Perfect.

Tell you what, Cab-man, you got yourself a deal.

Now wait a minute.

This requires a little discussion.

Make your decision or perish forever.

Can I get anybody some coffee?

- Identify yourself! - Oh, I'm Joey's assistant.

I started out as a temp after earning a B.A. in liberal arts at Utah U.

I'm currently earning a competitive wage but eventually I'd like to get into--

Desist!

Joey's assistant has given me an idea.

To insure your honesty in this matter, I will detain her.

Wait a minute.

No way a brussels sprout bursts in and kidnaps my secretary.

Joey, is he serious?

Of course not. [ Chuckles ]

Well, you live and learn.

Wh-What have you done with her?

She is in dimension 49,

locked within a compartment of the space-time continuum...

until I choose to release her.

Dimension 49, huh? What, she's not good enough for 50?

You flirt with vaporization.

I will transport my entries here with me.

I will inform the member units of the alliance...

and all with be here within the hour.

- Entries? - [ Chuckles ] Several thousand.

- You gotta be kiddin'. - I note reluctance.

In that case, I will propose a compromise simple enough for even your comprehension.

Okay, fine. What's the compromise?

Three interplanetary contestants from your own solar system.

Fairness beyond this, you cannot expect to receive.

Yeah.

We'll call her "Miss Outer Space."

No! "The Girl With the Most Bodacious Antennas."

What do you say?

See you at the contest.

[ Woman Gasps ]

So, basically we mess up, we all get zapped into oblivion by a salad bar.

- Great! - That thing isn't playing, Willoughby!

What do you think happened to your secretary? Three weeks in Athens?

What are you gonna do, Joe?

If she's in dimension 49, I have no choice.

I have to dock her for the time's she gone.

But what about what the Cabbage Man said?

He said the fate of mankind hangs in the balance, right?

Well, that includes me, right?

[ Spits ]

Fellas, my fee just went up.

I know it may sound like P.R. hype, Mikey,

- but I was dreamin' the big dream. - [ Thunder Rumbling ]

The one that's up in neon with backup singers...

that spells, "Look out!"

How do you figure it, Joe?

So you say this space creep has put your secretary on ice...

and he's gonna french fry the world if you blow it?

[ Chuckles ] Joey, that sounds like a nightmare.

Maybe to a bartender it does, but not to a P.R. man.

Publicity, pal. I was getting the big one.

Set up another round and I just might tell you the rest of the story.

So, as long as you're asking.

This was some contest.

- ?? [ Accordion ] - Wow.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Joe Narrating ] But I'm tellin' you, Mikey, you'd have been real proud of me.

Even though I was terrified, I was poised-- a regular cologne dispenser.

Hey, slaw boy, you made it.

By the by, what did you do to my secretary?

You melt her down, turn her into an asteroid or what?

My wards are losing patience with you "Eath" people.

Heed my words, "Eathian"!

Or the repercussions begin with a woman known as "Joey's Assistant."

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Ends ] - [ Applauding ]

Well, now, let's hear it for Miss Colorado. [ Chuckles ]

Her hobbies are nuclear physics and deep sea fishing...

and who plans someday to teach auto repairs to old people.

- [ Rim Shot ] - And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we've a few late entries,

and they've traveled a heck of a distance to be here.

And we're thrilled that we don't have to pay the airfare for Miss Mars!

?? [ Belly Dancing ]

Oh.

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Man ] What's that? - [ Chattering ]

- [ Chattering Continues ] - Ahh!

[ Man #2 ] Get the hook!

[ People Hissing ]

[ Woman ] Go back to Mars!

- [ Man, Indistinct ] - Uh-uh. Ahh!

- ?? [ Ends ] - And, uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh,

let's have a big hand for Miss Mars!

[ Smattering Of Applause ]

And now, Miss, uh, Venus, would like to play a little ditty for us.

It's something called "I Wanna Hold Your Clam."

[ People Groaning ]

- ?? [ Synthesized ] - [ Woman Laughs ]

- [ Chuckles ] - [ Chattering ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Shrieking ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman ] Bravo!

This is highly unsatisfactory.

You will alleviate the situation...

or there will be increasing trouble for you.

Hey, how'd you like to French-kiss a grater?

I can't tell the audience what to do.

If Miss Mars is not chosen winner, there will be severe retaliation by her elders.

Boy, you are one humorless vegetable, you know that?

Why don't you give us a break, huh?

You created your own problem when you named the contest as you did.

- Face the music, "Eath-man." - Earth.

- And I didn't name the contest! - Beside the actual point.

[ Man ] Let's have a big hand for, uh, Miss Venus.

- [ Applauding ] - Ladies and gents, what can I say?

Here's a future mother of six,

Miss Jupiter!

- ?? [ Fanfare ] - [ Applauding ]

?? [ Singing Opera ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

Finish this contest quickly!

My wards are becoming violently ill at the sight of "Eath-people" en masse.

What're you talkin' about, ill?

Quite simply, they find your appearance surpassingly repugnant.

[ Whirring, Tone ]

I have decided.

Miss Jupiter must be awarded first prize,

- in addition to Miss Venus and Miss Mars. - No way!

They can't all win! It's un-American! It stinks!

We do not like you, "Eath-man."

Earth. Earth. It's called Earth.

Not where I come from.

Mmm! We find you obnoxious to the mind and unwholesome to the eyes.

My wards and I will rejoice when they have all won first prize...

and we can leave your loathsome, "hideouth" presence.

"Hideouth"? "Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

You are all "hideouth"!

With the possible exception of the "Eath-woman" you call Joey's Assistant.

She has a certain... savoir faire.

?? [ Opera Singing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Continues ] - [ Laughing Continues ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Laughing ] - [ Applauding ]

[ Joe Narrating ] Mikey, it's not every day a man can tell his friends...

he's hatched a plan to save mother "Eath,"

but that's exactly what I did.

I was gonna give that green geek and his orbit babes and added prize--

a hunk of trouble more "hideouth" than they could ever imagine.

Ladies and gentlemen, before we announce our winner,

I would like to add a very special award to the list of once-in-a-lifetime prizes.

You're gonna love this.

We already announced the loving cup, the car, the Hollywood contract,

one free year's servicing and chassis work at Aldo's House of Beauty.

But now-- now for a really special prize.

One month vacation on the Mediterranean with none other than guess who?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Universe!

- ?? [ Drum Roll ] - [ Gasps ]

[ Women Screaming, Cheering ]

- [ Cheering ] - [ Applauding ]

[ Screams ]

- No! No! No! This is "hideouth"! - [ Women Screaming ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Clears Throat ]

You! You attempt trickery!

Hey, it's our contest. [ Laughs ]

We'll give you first prize,

but we reserve the right to decide what first prize is.

Beside the actual point!

How dare you choose that creature to be Mr. Universe!

Are you unaware the universe contains more galaxies...

than there are stars in your own galaxy?

- Gimme a break. - Ahh! I will give you a cataclysm!

This deceit calls for drastic action.

I must call immediately on the Alliance of Galaxies.

Whooooo!

Ah! There will be a contest held in this building...

to decide who is really entitled to the name "Mr. Universe."

Just exactly what are you talking about in round numbers, huh?

There are approximately 7,595,000 base representatives,

which should give even a mind such as yours...

some idea of the insignificance of your planet...

as it rolls through the void.

So, what did you finally do?

It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that much.

It wasn't easy at all.

In fact,

to be honest with you, it isn't even what I did.

No. Mankind was saved by love.

It seems that old cabbage head had a real thing for Miss Schroedinger.

She got him off our backs when he asked her to get hitched.

Quite a wedding. Best man had suction cups.

They're on their honeymoon now.

Joe, I gotta be honest with you.

This story is the most unbelievable pile...

of a number between one and three I ever heard.

Come on, it never happened.

It never even came close to happening.

You're totally insane, and you owe me for those drinks.

So you don't believe me, huh?

Not in a million years. What, do I look stupid to you?

Here, that's for the drinks.

Oh, and by the way,

here's a little something for bein' nice, for listenin' to an insane man.

[ Chuckles ]

See you around, pal.

So long, Joe.

?? [ Whistling ]

- [ Door Closes ] - Hi, Joey! I sure hope everything's okay back home.

Personally, I never had such a fun honeymoon in my whole life.

All we do is play up here on the third moon of Ungareena Mycappia.

Of course, all the food is plaid...

and I miss the fresh air of "Eath" and everything,

but Cabby's been so nice to me.

And I always was a vegetarian!

Take it easy. I gotta go.

- Well, have fun. - Greetings.

I trust events transpire pleasantly down on "Eath," Willoughby.

Don't take any Varcon Fundiggies.

[ Laughing ]

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