Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

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[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman ] Billy!

Billy!

There you are!

Where do you think you're going?

- [ Billy ] Out. - Out where?

- Outside! - Have you done something around the house?

- It's Saturday! - And on Saturdays,

you have to help around the house before you can go out.

The rug needs vacuuming. You can vacuum the rug.

Mom!

The vacuum's in the closet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[ Door Closes ]

I don't know why I put up with this stuff.

Chip Bunster doesn't have to vacuum.

Mike Wilmot doesn't have to vacuum.

Oh, vacuuming makes me barf.

Where's the stupid vacuum cleaner anyway?

[ Items Rattling ]

[ Vacuum Whirring ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Vacuum Stops ]

- [ Cheering On TV ] - [ Man On TV ] Would you look at that?

[ Whirring ]

[ Man On TV Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man On TV ] ...with the Wombats.

Running, passing, I, for one am really surprised at this game.

- Those Wombats just creamed their last opponent. - [ Toots ]

But today's another story.

[ Sniffs ]

Well, the Wombats have looked better, that's for sure.

- [ Sniffs ] - In fact, I think this qualifies as...

one of the biggest blowouts in the season.

- Who'd have thunk it? 37 to three and-- - Bad dog.

Bad dog! Bad, bad boy.

I don't know what it is, Ernie. Maybe his diet. I don't know.

[ Man On TV ] Mmm, boy.

Tender, beefy chunks.

Just about the best meal your dog could ever want.

There's nothin' quite like meat by-products...

to satisfy those canine cravings.

Right, King?

[ Dishes Clattering ]

[ Small Bark ]

[ Water Running ]

Oh, all right, you want your food?

I'll get your food! Why not?

It seems to be the sole reason for my existence on this planet lately.

Feed the dog, feed the cats, do the dishes,

wash the clothes, iron the clothes!

Do I have dreams? Do I have aspirations?

No, but I have a toilet bowl that's springtime fresh,

and I'm pleased as punch to be a short-order cook to a dog!

So, here!

Oh, no, you don't. Not today, buster.

You wanted food, and I gave it to you, and now you're gonna eat it.

- [ Grunts ] - So, eat it.

Eat it!

[ Calmly ] That's better.

[ Groaning ]

Bleh.

Lainey Lou says, "Where's my baby?"

Where's Mary Ann?

Where's Mary Ann? Where is Mary Ann?

There she is! [ Giggles ]

Hello, Mary Ann.

Was you a good baby?

You need some panties and shoes and... and your coat.

And-- It's raining outside...

and you need you... jammies.

All you need is your... underpants!

[ Growling ]

[ Cries ]

Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

Dog tried to bite me! The dog tried to bite me!

Dog tried to bite me!

Uh, look, I'm trying to watch the game, sweetheart.

The dog tried to bite me with his teeth! His teeth!

With his teeth, Daddy!

[ Mother Screams ]

[ Scratching ]

Mommy! The dog-- The dog tried to bite me!

Just look at what that dog of yours did to my favorite slippers.

Well, it's that cheap damn dog food you buy him. Gives him gas.

[ Mom ] What makes you think it's cheap?

[ Dad ] What do you mean "that dog of yours," huh?

- It was your idea to get him. - I finished vacuuming.

- Can I go outside now? - Oh, no, you're not pinning this one on me!

- Mom. - What do you mean?

- You said, "Honey, we should get a dog." - I finished vacuuming.

I wanna go outside.

- [ Billy ] Now! - [ Dad ] I know. I know.

[ Mom ] I wanted something low-maintenance, like a cat.

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Dad ] A cat is not low-maintenance.

- [ Arguing Continues ] - Dog tried to bite me!

- I'm done. - Thank you so much--

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Urinating ]

He's whizzin' on the carpet, Dad.

[ Man On TV ] Intercept... and it's a beautiful punt.

Right through. And it's a touchback!

[ Sighs ]

[ Girl ] A space movie?

[ Mom ] No, honey. Uncle Bud's movies of last Christmas.

- Is it Christmas now? - No, honey, it's no--

[ Dad ] Hey, look. Can we just watch the movie?

Please? Hmm?

- [ Billy ] Howdy, folks. - [ Girl ] That's me, mommy.

- That's right, honey. - [ Girl ] That's me in this movie!

[ Mom ] That's-- That's right, honey.

That's me up there in the movie!

[ Mom Flatly ] Okay, honey.

- [ Dad ] Oh, geez, would you look at that dog? - [ Billy Speaking Gibberish ]

- Stupid dog. - [ Billy Growling ]

[ Billy Making Gibberish Noises ]

- [ Billy Chuckles ] - [ Mom ] That was a mistake.

[ Buffy ] Can I get a soda, Mama?

[ Mom ] You just had a soda, sweetheart.

[ Buffy ] Can I get a soda, Daddy?

[ Dad ] You just had a soda, honey.

- I want a soda. - [ Parents ] After the movie, honey!

[ Billy Makes Vibrating Noise ]

[ Dad ] Hey, boy. Look. Look, that's you up there.

That's you up there, uh, dog.

- [ Imitating Chain Saw ] - [ Mom ] That was a mistake too.

Oh, no. Oh, please. Stop the projector.

- [ Dad ] No. No, this is good. - Turn it off now, Skip.

[ Dad ] Hey, come on. Please, Bev.

- [ Buffy ] Ooh, baby. - [ Billy ] Whoa.

[ Dad ] Oh, come on. It's a good present.

[ Billy ] He cannot be stopped!

[ Mom ] Next year, we're getting him a book.

- [ Billy ] Oh, geez. - [ Mom ] Oh, look.

- You look nice. - [ Billy ] I look stupid.

[ Buffy ] I say, "Hello there."

[ Dad ] You've worn it a few times since then, I notice.

- [ Mom ] Skip. - [ Children Giggle ]

- [ Dad ] Oh, yeah. Remember that? - [ Mom ] Mmm.

[ Dad ] Bad dog.

We had to go out for pizza, remember?

[ Mom ] Pizza for Christmas dinner.

- [ Dad ] It was a... good pizza. - [ Projector Rattles ]

[ Buffy ] We saw a movie of a-- of a movie of a movie...

with a wolf in it-- with a wolf in it,

and-and it got the bunny.

And the wolf got a money-- I mean, a bunny.

[ Dad ] Oh, the wolf ate the bunny, huh?

Yes, it was dead.

- [ Giggles ] - [ Billy ] Buffy!

Uh-oh. Man the pumps.

You stupid dumbhead "nong-nong."

Every night she does this!

Billy, what did I say about yelling at the table? Hmm?

I wouldn't have to yell...

if she wasn't such a stupid, klutzoid, dumbhead "nong-nong"!

- Something new! - What's that?

A recipe I found in Suburban Paradise Magazine.

Tater pops and cheese whip.

Enjoy.

[ Dad ] Mmm, boy.

[ Gags ]

Uh, we're finished out here, honey.

What do you say we all go out for dessert and a movie, huh?

Finished? You're finished?

Already?

- But we can wait while you-- - I've had enough!

I mean, I'm so full, I, uh, I couldn't eat another bite.

I'll get my coat.

- Yeah! - Yay!

Hold still, sweetie. One more button.

Careful, honey. Don't run!

[ Dad ] I haven't seen a good movie in ages.

I like a good musical comedy with a plot. A whodunit.

A whodunit with a good dance number, I don't care.

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Mom ] The door isn't locked.

No, I remember locking it. I'm sure I locked it.

[ Mom ] Look! [ Gasps ]

I think somebody broke in!

- Wow! - Wow.

[ Dad ] Not a chance. The dog was here.

Oh, my God. They've taken the coffeemaker.

No, no. The dog was here.

Mommy, the "bofa" is gone.

- [ Dad ] But the dog was here! - [ Billy ] Wow!

It looks like they got the whole stereo system, Dad!

[ Skip Shouting ] But the dog was here!

Weren't you? We don't expect too much from you, do we?

Not really, no.

All we expect is for you to be a dog,

which means you eat and sleep...

and occasionally keep the stupid house from getting robbed!

But I'm going to give you another chance.

One more chance.

- [ Billy Imitates Plane ] - You look great, honey.

Thanks. I had my tips frosted.

[ Panting ]

[ Billy ] I am the barf man.

[ Mom ] Billy, stop teasing your sister.

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Ticking Continues ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Growls, Barks ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Whines, Weak Bark ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Barks ]

[ Barking ]

[ Growling, Gasps ]

Uh, my name's Skip Binford.

I'm here to see Ms. Lestrange.

Thank you.

[ Barking Echoes ]

[ Woman ] Do you like what you see?

I'm Gert� Lestrange, administrator of this facility,

and this is my assistant, Ronga.

Oh-- [ Clears Throat ] I-- I--

I think you will find our methods most effective.

Our success rate is close to 100%.

If we can't transform your dog...

into a quivering, snarling, white-hot ball of canine terror,

then we will grant you a full refund, of course.

Uh, well, actually--

You wish a demonstration. Most certainly.

Angel.

[ Snarling ]

- [ Man Screaming ] - [ Snarling Continues ]

Angel, come!

- [ Growls ] - [ Ronga Panting ]

- [ Door Slams ] - [ Lock Clinks ]

[ Door Creaks ]

[ Sighs ]

So what's the big deal?

He doesn't look like a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror to me.

[ Snarling ]

[ Snaps ]

Cash or charge?

[ Snarling ]

- What are we gonna do? - I don't know. I don't know!

He's turned into a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror!

We're gonna have to make a break for the car.

- Count of one? - No, two.

[ Together ] No, three!

- Okay. Three. - One, two three!

[ Barking ]

[ Squealing Tires ]

[ Panting ]

[ Growling ]

[ Screams ]

[ Man On TV ] And now, back to Days of our Soaps.

[ Grunting ]

- [ Growls ] - [ Sighs ]

[ Woman ] Wade has always loved me.

He married you for your money!

[ Woman #2 ] Liar! Liar!

- [ Slap ] - [ Woman ] How dare you slap me?

[ Slap ]

[ Woman #2 ] How dare you slap me back?

- Freeze! - [ Snarling ]

What are we gonna do?

Let's tie him up.

Good boy! Good little doggie!

We sure showed him, didn't we?

We sure showed the nasty coppy-woppy, yes.

This is gonna work out just fine.

[ Barks, Panting ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Screams ]

The Dog Gang? How humiliating.

Where do they get off calling us The Dog Gang?

I'm beginning to think the party's over.

I'm beginning to think maybe we don't need a dog.

[ Whines, Growls ]

Or maybe we need a new dog.

Or maybe we need a cat!

[ Snarling ]

[ Screeching ]

Hold it. Reach for the sky.

[ Tapping ]

No dog food tonight.

Nothing but the best for our little hero.

[ Buffy ] Good puppy.

Now I want you to just relax.

- And I want you to enjoy your meal. - Dog, dog, dog, dog.

And I want you to get a good night's sleep.

And I want you to take out the trash.

Poopy baby wants some food too.

[ Burps ]

I hate that doll.

Come on, you guys. It's way past your bedtime.

- But, Mom! - Billy!

[ Buffy ] ? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ?

- But, Mom! - No grief tonight, buster.

- Go brush your teeth, right now. - Okay.

[ Buffy ] ? W, X, Y and Z ??

[ Quietly ] Honey. Honey.

[ Whispering ] The front door is locked.

Could you come down and--

Ah, I'll have to get in through the back door.

- [ Snarling ] - [ Dad ] No, no! Stop it! Down!

It's me! It's-- Bad!

It's me, you stupid animal!

No! No!

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