Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

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[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man ] No one can ever say that our last episode was a total loss.

For as you remember, we learned beyond a doubt--

- [ Typing ] - that Bullwinkle really takes the cake...

when it comes to baking a cake.

What do you mean, where are the onions?

I thought you were baking a cake, Bullwinkle.

Well, pity sakes, I am, but-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

- You put onions in a cake? - [ Bullwinkle, Indistinct ]

No. And we're out of onions.

You used the last one on your corn flakes this morning.

- Darn! - [ Typing Continues ]

- [ Laughs ] - [ Man Laughing ]

Kid, this stuff is funny.

Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny!

The only thing is, it ain't "chicken" funny.

- But, Mr. Marvin-- - I got an image, kid, see?

I gotta be careful about my material.

Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife. She wants the poodle for Sunday.

Her poodle day is Saturday. She knows that. Negative!

Mr. Marvin, I know I could have some chicken-funny jokes...

- by next week, if you could just advance-- - Next week? Next week?

Kid, in this biz you gotta be faster than that.

Mr. Marvin, your analyst called. Wants to cancel today's session.

- Why? - He's too depressed!

- [ Laughs ] - Get outta here, you moron. [ Groans ]

kid, let me give you some advice.

You're gonna have a lot of doors slam in your face.

You gotta stick with it.

Persevere. Don't take no from anybody.

- Then you'll use my stuff? - No.

- [ People Laughing On TV ] - [ Man On TV ] Countersign: Salt Lake City.

Come on in, 99. The door is open.

- [ People Laughing ] - Hey, Max.

99, what are you doing here? It's after 10:00.

Oh, I was restless and I thought I'd take a walk.

[ Man, Lower Volume ] You should be careful. It's not safe for a girl--

- [ Tape Rewinds ] - [ Man ] This is Herb from the Eagle Finance Company.

This is positively your last warning.

- It's called pay up or pick up. - [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ] Billy, this is Mama.

Are you eatin' good?

You eatin' your vegetables?

- Are you takin' your vitamins? - [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ] Billy, this is Mrs. Luthaker, your landlady.

Remember me? You know, the witch!

Either you pay your rent by Wednesday...

or your butt's on the sidewalk.

And turn that TV off!

It's on night and day. You--

- [ Stops ] - [ Sighs ]

Suppertime.

You're lucky I'm not a vegetarian.

Otherwise, I might eat you.

[ Phone Rings ]

- Hello? - Billy Burliss?

[ Laughing ] Hey, hey!

It's a pleasure to speak to a man with talent.

This is Dick Castel over at Easy Come, Easy Go.

I was just cleaning out my desk when I came across your script.

Funny, guy. Very funny.

Listen, Billy, one of our writers was just committed,

and we need to find a replacement pronto.

Have you got a sample three-camera, family-hour sitcom script I could read?

Uh, no, not really.

Too bad, babe. We make our decision tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Okay. I'll write one tonight.

Tonight? In one night?

In 23 years I've never--

Just give me a chance. I'm sure I can do it.

I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning.

- Ciao, dude. - Ciao.

Yeah!

Yes!

Ahh!

High five, Louie!

?? [ Scatting ]

Billy Burliss has done it again, folks.

[ Shouts ]

?? [ Scatting ]

Mrs. Luthaker, you'll get your rent.

Witch!

?? [ Scatting ]

?? [ Imitates Guitar ]

?? [ Scatting ] Billy Burliss.

Yeah!

[ Slow Typing ]

[ Sighs ] Face it, Billy. You're too slow.

Too slow.

You haven't even finished the first half of the first act.

He's right.

A sitcom can't be written in one night.

Not by me, anyway.

[ Sighs ]

Sent by special messenger, no less.

Hey. I haven't forgotten a birthday or an anniversary, have I?

- Of course not. I wouldn't let you. - [ Sighs ]

[ People Laughing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Line Ringing ]

- [ Woman ] Easy Come, Easy Go. - Hello.

Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.

Uh, Billy Burliss calling.

[ Castel ] Yo, Billy.

Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.

Uh, I-I won't be coming by today.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, guy.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm just not--

Billy? Hey, Billy, are you there?

Billy?

Hey, my man. Billy?

Are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

This is good.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]

As a matter of fact, it's great. And so fast.

I never heard of a script being written so fast.

- You? - Me?

- Yeah. - Never.

Kid, you're a genius.

I have a script here that needs a total rewrite.

We start shooting first thing in the morning.

For you-- [ Laughing ] it should be a breeze.

I'm in love with a girl named Thalia Menninger.

A beautiful girl, a fine girl.

The only trouble is she likes money.

- Who's there? - Now she's not a gold digger, mind you.

No, no. She's just kind of greedy,

grasping, avaricious, mean, selfish, miserly.

Fine girl, you understand. Wonderful girl.

Whoever you are, you can come out now.

Unfortunately, I haven't got money.

What I've got is love. Boy, have I got love.

I really liked the stuff. I did.

Do you think Thalia's impressed?

No, she keeps making eyes at Milton Armitage.

[ Sighs ]

Some piece of cake.

[ Whispering ] What am I gonna do?

Drat!

Where's the blot-out?

- Thanks. - [ Rattling ]

Aaah!

[ Groans ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Billy ] "Plague,

plane,

plankton, plants."

"Clerodendrum receptivus.

Rapid dragon vine.

Common variety of leafy floral...

that requires little water, but inordinate amounts of sunlight."

Sunlight?

But you don't get any sunlight.

The only light you get is from--

[ TV Audience Laughs ]

[ Applause ]

I don't believe this.

[ Man ] The painter's almost finished the mantel.

Almost finished? Almost finished?

It is finished. That's it!

He likes it that way.

He thinks it's a work of art.

He's even signed the darn thing.

[ Man ] So think of it as a conversation piece.

[ Laughter Continues ]

Billy Burliss. Barry Wernick, Associated Agents.

- Uh, bu-- - Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk. Save it for a script.

If you're as fast as they say,

I'm gonna have you the hottest writer in town.

- But-- But I-- - Oh, work with me, Billy, will ya?

[ Laughing ]

I knew that last punch was gonna work.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

...because she always invites your ex-boyfriends to dinner.

That's it. Yeah.

[ Billy ] Yeah.

But I like this color. I've gotten used to it.

But, honey love, you're color blind!

There. Ahh.

A little more room to wiggle your toes in.

And how do you like the new TV?

Color. Color. [ Chuckles ]

Well, pal, I owe it all to you.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You know, you're my best friend.

Look, I was thinkin'.

You need a name.

Maybe something distinguishing like...

F. Scott Philodendron.

Okay. Okay.

What about uh, Leaf Ericson?

Andy Devine?

What would you like?

Well, I'll be.

Lucy.

[ Man ] How about that, folks?

Is that entertainment or what?

Come on, let's put our hands together...

and hear it for the funniest show on TV,

Easy Come, Easy Go.

[ Billy ] Change the channel. Change the channel.

- Hi, neighbor. - This is it. This is it.

- Turn it up. Turn it up. - [ Man ] Welcome to Easy Come--

- [ Woman ] Easy Go. - Don't drink so fast.

- [ Woman, Indistinct ] - The timing on this joke right here was all wrong.

Now this next joke, this works.

[ Laughing ]

[ Man ] I don't know if I can do that.

[ Woman ] You guys'll have to carry it.

Billy. Billy.

Billy, my man! There he is!

We were in the neighborhood and just had to drop by and say hello.

[ Laughing ]

These are my pals. Georgio.

[ Georgio ] You are a genius. A genius!

- [ Wernick ] That's Oliver. - [ Man ] Very pleased.

[ Wernick ] And last-- [ Laughs ] but certainly not least, Tina.

Oh, we're so happy for you, Billy.

Uh, it was really nice of you guys to drop by,

but I have a awful lot of work to do.

Kid, enough.

All work and no play?

I think it's time to party.

- [ Tina ] We're dying to corrupt you, Billy. - He'll come around.

[ Wernick ] Listen to her, kid. She can do it.

- [ Whispering ] Lucy, stop it. - [ Tina Giggles ]

These are party people.

Uh, I'd really like to--

- Okay. - [ Wernick ] All right. Yeah!

Where are you taking that cute plant?

Uh, it needs air.

[ Tina ] Air?

- [ Wernick ] Oh, Billy, come on. - Would you stop?

These are my friends too. I'm just gonna party a little bit.

[ Wernick ] Are you okay out there? Or what's the problem?

- I'll be right there. - [ Tina ] Okay.

[ Georgio ] Party!

Lucy, would you stop? Would you stop?

Why are you acting this way? Why?

These are my friends too. It's just a dance.

We're just gonna party for a little bit. Lucy--

Would you-- Will you stop?

I'll be right back.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Guests Chattering ]

[ Billy ] I'm ready.

[ Oliver ] There he is. There's the guy. Yeah!

- Let's go. - [ Billy ] Let's go. Party!

- [ Wernick ] Come on, Georgio. - [ Georgio ] S�, s�, s�.

[ Door Shuts ]

[ Cat Mewing ]

[ Pot Shatters ]

[ Mewing Continues ]

[ Man On TV ] I'm gonna handle this.

Toody'll wind up organizing a committee for it.

Yes, sir.

[ Groans ]

[ Spits ]

Party.

[ Groans ]

Time to wake up, Lucy.

[ Groaning ]

We're under contract to half the city.

Lucy?

It hurt me.

[ Sighs ]

[ Vehicle Rumbling ]

[ Crunching ]

Lucy!

[ Chattering ]

- [ Indistinct ] - [ Laughing ]

- Who is on first. - What are you asking me for? I'm--

[ Indistinct ]

What's the guy's name on first base?

- What's on second! - I'm not asking you--

We were a great team, weren't we?

You know, Lucy, I never realized how much fun we had together--

writing scripts, watching TV.

You were special.

You were my friend.

You even tried to warn me about life in the fast lane,

how it would change me.

And what did I do?

I ignored you.

[ Sighs ] Well, I better get back now,

try to go on.

Maybe something good'll crop up.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

Yes, we're scheduled for 13 weeks following the pilot.

[ Chuckles ] No, we're no longer-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

...Mr. Burliss. Those letters were completed this morning.

The scripts are being sent out now.

As you requested, I declined the European junket.

I sent regrets for the gala premiere,

and frankly, Mr. Burliss, maybe getting out of the house...

for one of these events wouldn't be a bad idea.

Okay, girls, let's hurry up!

I Love Lucy reruns tonight!

Lucy Mae, let's do it.

Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen-- I loved the rewrites.

Loved it!

What have you got for me, Lucy Alice?

[ Laughing ]

I love this! I love this!

"I'm not the pizza boy. I'm not the pizza boy."

I love it. I love-- This is timing.

Look at this. This is timing.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Let's work.

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