Original subtitles

It's so nice to be here with you in public. We're not stuck at home doing

this for 10 likes.

Oh, that's right. You danced. You know you did.

It's a real blight on American history. No one wants to talk about how they

dance. People dance.

They're like, if I do it enough, it's my key to financial freedom. I don't need

to read a book. I'll just do this for 10 likes. I hope it works out for me. No.

You were never going to make money dancing on TikTok. You want to know why?

Because you're ugly.

Only for like 22-year-old smoking hot girls that are like, it's a skill. And

dudes finger grunt out like, oh, great job, Chloe.

Yeah.

It was never going to be your financial future. We got a whole micro generation

of kids now going for job interviews at like Bank of America.

Like it says here under special skills, look up at Travis. He's just, I don't

know.

Nothing.

The dance. Dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok,

okay? There is no music in real life, there is no editing. The dancing on

TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, that'd be very

weird for you if you saw one of those dances in the wild.

You're out at a bar and you just look over on the dance floor and you see a

girl just like...

Hope she gets home okay.

The dance is on TikTok.

We're Never Sexy, independent of the app of TikTok.

Let's put this into some scene work. Now, before we begin the scene work, I

just want to acknowledge, you know, this is my sixth Netflix special, and I've

built a career.

Good night.

And I've built a career. The last five specials, you know, talking to people in

general, but I always want girls to feel good. I always want girls to know that

I'm on their side. Yeah, I want you to do well.

That doesn't mean I'm not on your side. I'm on no one's side. I want everyone to

do well. And boys, I want you to have the information and the wisdom nuggets

that girls have, because I believe you are half the problem. So come along.

Let me teach you. It occurs to me now, I'm 39.

I'm an elder millennial. I'm a mother. I have information. I remember dating. Why

waste all this information?

So this is for the young men in the crowd. We're talking 30 younger, okay?

The rest of you boys will die set in your ways, okay?

This is for the young ones. And the older guys are fine. They're like, yeah,

come and take it. Okay, the younger ones, give me your squishy brains and

let me help you, okay?

Let me give you some pearls of wisdom to help make it easier with the girls. So,

the dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok.

Gentlemen, let's say you get a girl to go home with you, all right? Let's say

you get a girl to go back to your apartment, by the grace of God, and you

bring her back.

You should know, boys, first of all...

You get naked so fast Like you're like

do you want to have sex the girl agrees you signed the contract it's all good

NDA done She has barely even said like okay, and you're like you ready I

just America's Got Talent

Is that made of Velcro? You get naked so fast, and then it's uncomfortable

because we're sitting there as women, like, barely taking off our overalls.

Like, oh, my God. And you are naked trying to make us comfortable. Like, did

you want a snack?

Or...

in the car while we appreciate that you should just know that's uncomfortable

because there's us half naked in the corner nervous you are hovering over us

naked trying to give us food it feels like we've been kidnapped promise you're

gonna like it here okay getting naked should be a seductive dance a back-and

-forth I take off my blouse you take off your blouse I wonder why he's wearing a

blouse whatever

Instead, girls get so nervous. Like, oh, don't look. I know you're going to be

inside me soon, but don't look at me naked.

He doesn't care. But I didn't shave here. He will rip it out with his teeth.

He doesn't fucking care.

Have some confidence.

Men have Sasquatch bodies, and they're like, isn't it perfection?

And we're sculpted like I'm hideous. Oh, I didn't shave my legs. He doesn't even

know you have legs.

He loves you.

to get in bed, gentlemen, this is very important, the way in which one gets

into the bed, okay?

Tis a dance.

When you prepare the bed, it should require multiple gestures of

pulling back multiple sheets.

Sheet, top sheet, duvet, duvet cover, comforter, nana blanket.

It's a workout, not you grabbing a crusty sleeping bag like, get it out of

here.

I'm gonna spray this down with Febreze. This is normally in the duck blind.

Ohio likes that one. They're like, yeah, we got one.

And then the way in which you get into the bed, boys, this is paramount, okay?

When you get in bed, it should be simple. A simple motion, it's just, and

then it's.

and then one leg, and then the other, okay? Now, what I'm about to paint for

you is a memory that a lot of women have suppressed, and I'm gonna say it, and

you're gonna be like, oh, my God, Tom, like this.

Boys, you get so excited that we're gonna have sex, the girl's like, I'm

just gonna go to the bathroom, and the guy's like, great, I'll meet you in bed,

and then we see you hop into bed.

Never.

Don't get giddy, okay?

This is a serious sexual experience.

I don't want to say, oh, Peter Pan.

We never want to see... Yippity-skippity. We never want to see

you fawn-like, like, oh, in the bed, okay?

In my life, I've never been naked and had both feet... Do

you know how big that spider would have to be for me to just

forget about physics? That spider...

would have to have a gun, like, dance!

And now,

I'm gonna say this, this is indelicate, but it bears being said, gentlemen, when

you, yippie skippy, into the bed, you know, you've gotta clear the mattress so

the human body naturally rounds, your spine naturally rounds, and you hunch

over to dive in, and I'm just gonna say it, we can see your butthole.

I don't want to see that.

That's not nice.

Okay?

I just ruined so many rides home tonight.

Did you see my bow?

Susan, did you see my asshole? I need to know.

Don't make us see that. That's a lot to reckon with, okay?

As it is, we're already fine with your body. We don't want to see... It's too

intimate. We don't even know how much we like you. We don't even know if we're

gonna be together.

We already know this sex will most likely be mediocre for the girl, and

then if she accidentally gets pregnant, depending on the stage, she will be

forced to carry that child to term.

Just so we're clear, and it's on record, fiercely pro-choice. There is no other

way to be, and if you want to...

Your heart desires you want to keep your baby. That is fine. I want you to keep

your baby Just don't make that choice for other women Back

to the butthole

jokes, so

He's in bed. He buttholed. He daintied. He's in the bed. The girl's in the

bathroom. The original premise of this joke, gentlemen, is that the dances on

TikTok are not sexual, independent of the app of TikTok.

The dances are not sexy. It'd be very weird for you boys. You're in your weird

bed, and the girl comes out, and she's just fully naked, and she's just like...

She's like, you

look so good. Why don't you get in this bed?

Oh, I'm going to.

But first, I'm going to seduce you with a dance

from TikTok.

Remember, there's no music. There are no builders. Just you, guttural breathing

to an eight count. One, two, three, four.

Tits swinging like an orangutan.

All the 20-year-olds are like, those aren't the dances.

Every guy in here is like, I mean... It's not not hot.

You are a woman breathing in my apartment, so... Wouldn't kick you out

of bed, just wonder how long you were gonna stay.

So I do have a little girl, and I love her more than life itself.

One of the weird parts... about being pregnant are the mental hurdles. You

know, one of them is, like, the fact that you have to accept that you're

going to gain weight, which, if you're a woman, you've been taught that that's an

unforgivable sin, right?

You can't gain weight. Whatever weight you were at 12, you got to spend your

life trying to get back to that.

You're gonna gain weight. You're gonna need to get new clothes. I didn't buy

maternity clothes. I just wore leggings and T-shirts.

But you got to get new underwear.

You got to get new big-girl underwear. That's right.

And you got to get a new bra.

And I will tell you what, that was mentally very difficult.

Because a woman's relationship with her bra, particularly the ugly one, is

sacred, all right? Every girl has an ugly bra.

That's right. Every girl.

I believe it's what unifies every woman on this planet. We all got an ugly bra,

and the bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is.

That's right.

Every girl's got an ugly bra. It's the longest relationship you've ever been

in.

She is battle-worn. Every man in this crowd is like, I seen that bra.

I woke up the other night, bra was just looking at me like, get out of here,

motherfucker.

People don't understand. They don't understand our connection to ugly bra.

They're like, why don't you get rid of her? She's so ugly. And we're like,

well, because she does me right and she's a hard worker.

She's loyal.

The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. There's some truth for you.

Yeah. If you're working with anything over a C cup, I got you. I know that

pain. I know how hideous our bras are, okay?

So you are my people.

Anything, and I know, people are like, oh, you've got big boobs, is that hard?

It fucking is!

and then when you do, they give you no infrastructure to support them.

All we want are cute bras. Instead, they're like, here's a Soviet-era

windsock. Just strap it on and help plow. Just do it.

You never got to wear the cute bras. Remember when you were a teenager and

all your girlfriends? By the way, if you have smaller breasts, if you got an A

cup or a B cup, like, this is eyes-inclusive, but you don't know.

You don't know what it was like being friends with you, and all your

girlfriends are like, let's go to the mall. Remember mall? and you go, and

they're like, let's go get cute bras at Abercrombie. Remember Abercrombie? And

you go with them, and they're running forward, and you're carrying around your

grown woman divorcee chest, like, wait for me.

I can't run. I'm not wearing two sports bras. I'm coming.

They're all trying on cute bras, playing slap tickle. You're just sitting there

eating a slice from Sbarro. Like, I'll be here.

My mom's getting me at two. I'll just be here.

They'd have the cutest bras.

I was one of the cute bras.

None for you. They'd come out cute. Look at this one. It's made of moose felt.

Mmm.

Mmm. So bucolic. Look at this one. It's got hearts on it. Mmm. This one's got

little kisses on it. I'm a child.

Isn't this so cute?

Aww. This one's got feathers. This one's just two contact lenses and dental

floss.

Founcy.

Not me. Not me and every other big-breasted girl. We were getting

hauled. This is a back-

Some Eastern European woman named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you, scoop

each breast into its own personal hurt locker, and jiggle your tits around in

front of your mother!

Just sitting there. You've never even made out with a boy. She's just grabbing

at you like, how does this feel? You're like, I'm kind of turned on. I don't

know!

Ugly bra comes in one color.

And I can only describe it as like a gray beige.

Like if clammy were a color.

I don't know whose skin tone they're matching, but it's offensive.

It looks like that. It's like a drowned Caucasian. It's just no life to it. And

sometimes to put lipstick on that pig.

they'll take a thread of the same pukey color and they'll sew in a floral scape.

Like, oh, thank you.

Oh, someone brought me flowers. Thank you.

Oh, a rose. Oh, a rose for the death of my self-esteem. Thank you so much.

Sometimes they gussy it up. They'll put, like, a little gold coin here.

Who's that for?

The guy's already so pumped to be there. What guy takes you off your shirt and

he's like, oh, jackpot. Yeah.

Ka-ching.

El Dorado. I'm richest for my lifetime.

I got one ugly bra that had Ruby.

Little Ruby.

Right here.

What the fuck am I, a troll doll? Why?

Ugly bra comes in that one color.

I think the part that adds insult to injury are the thick straps.

Thick ass straps. No girl wants that.

No girl wants thick straps. I understand as you get older or if you're pregnant,

you want the support, but when you're younger, you don't fucking... I want a

licorice whip. That's it. Tiny.

Just a whisper of hold. You don't want the thick straps. And you know what? You

look at any magazine, any fashion shoot, and in movies, there's always girls with

huge boobs, and they Photoshop out the straps. They don't want you to see that

fucking harness holding it all up.

They know no one wants to see a model with a back strap of bacon.

They know.

Girls in movies, yeah, the ingenue, she's got big boobs, and she's running,

and it's always like a tank top, and the tank top's always falling, right? We

like our women half-dressed and distressed, right? Just like, oh, oh, my

God, oh, I dropped everything. Oh, I'm such a klutz. Oops.

Tank top fall.

Right? Oh, it's a clove cigarette.

Oh, I'm complex. How am I gonna? And then the bra strap falls down. I'm a

riddle. Oh, I work at a cafe one day a week.

In my life, my bra strap has never fallen down.

at 9 a.m.

Works a 12-hour shift as a tension bridge.

It's not falling down, okay? If my bra strap fell down, the next thing you'd

hear is like...

I'm

taking my things, and I'm leaving. Thank you.

Never see it. You never see a hot girl, tank top strap falls down and there's

just a seat belt. You never see it.

Why those straps gotta be so thick? In case I need to, what, pull an apple cart

to market?

I just toured through Europe and I did that joke in Hungary and they were like,

yes, woman needs to help.

The hooks are also a nightmare.

Multiple hooks, okay?

Anything over three hooks is not a bra.

It is an ADT interlocking security approach.

Enter passcode.

Nobody wants all those hooks. No girl wants multiple hooks, because after

three hooks, it's not even a bra. It's a brassiere. And it's a full approach.

Every girl wants a bralette. That's what every girl wants. The cute, like, fart

of a bra. That's what you want.

Boys, I know, I've lost you. You're like, what the fuck is a bralette?

Why's she speaking French?

I got you. A bralette is a butterfly burp of an undergarment. It's just, it's

not even a bralette. It's just two hummingbirds, one under each nipple.

Just two cat whiskers holding the

back together.

It's bralette. That's what that is.

Multiple hooks are a nightmare. You could hurt yourself.

Why is it that the hardest thing in the world to do is when you get out of the

shower and your skin is damp and you connect the hooks here...

Shredding

your clavicle.

So why are you...

Well, I pulled a back muscle putting on my bra. I think it's over.

Multiple hooks bother me.

And I was thinking about it. I was like, why? Like, why is this so triggering?

Why is this so triggering?

And I take it. It goes all the way back to being a teenager, like most things,

okay? Remember the first time you, like, seriously made out with a boy, Ohio?

So what, 12? I don't know. Remember the first time?

Oh, I can go lower.

Nah, I played Louisiana.

We can go into the single digits.

We'll put it at a 16.

We'll put it at a nice, healthy, Jack and Diane, all-American 16, okay?

The first time you look really made out with a boy, right, and you're making out

with him, you know, as the girl, you are harboring that secret. You know the

multiple hook situation.

You know the Rubik's cube of nylon and nickel that's back there. That's a

fucking cloth LSAT he's gonna have to pass.

Fuck it, you know what's back there. The boy has no idea. Why would he? He's

never seen a bra before. All he knows is, like, oh, I caught a big one. Like,

he's just excited.

You know he's gonna have to contend with that, and you're keeping that secret

like a bridge troll, guarding a secret. Like, if you...

Naked for you, I shall be.

You know it's back there, and there's that moment.

There's that moment where you're making out, right? And he pulls away, and

you're like, it's time.

And he's like, let's do it. I need you.

I fucking need this, Jeremy.

And he puts his head here.

He pulls away from kissing, and he puts his head here so he can look over your

back and look down at his work. Of course.

Of course he has to look down at your back. Of course he needs his eyes on his

paper. He can't do that for the first time, sight unseen. You can't do that.

He can't do that.

No man has the natural dexterity of a doll brain surgeon. Why would you be

able to intricately have that gorilla grip to expand, contract?

Why would you know? I know, all the lesbians are like, we figured it out.

We want you to get it. We don't want you to be embarrassed. No woman worth her

salt wants that. We want you to succeed, right? We want you to take off her bras.

And by the way, boys, that is your role. That is your job to take off her bra.

And this has nothing to do with feminism or gender roles. It has everything to do

with no woman wanting to make this face.

and then she just flew out of the sunroof.

We were making out in an Ultima.

And so there's that moment where, like, he pulls away, and he puts his head

here, but, like, you've never really made out with a boy, and now, like,

you're just a head floating on his shoulder.

Like, what do I do? You can't, like, you got it, Trey. Like, keep going, Steven.

Like, you can't stand, so you just start kissing his shoulder, like...

And you watch, and it's this little monkey paw goes behind your back, and

you don't know it. You're a young girl, and you don't know you're about to come

in contact with your first lesson in male fragility.

Because the hand goes behind the back, and he's focused, and it's silent.

And then for us girls, the next thing we hear is just...

Motherfucker!

Unnecessary to have so many hooks.

Unnecessary. I did that joke in Portugal, and this woman comes up to me

after the show, and she was like five by five, and she just comes up, this little

old lady.

There was no security. She just walked right up, and she just... She goes... I

was like, yes, hello, and she just goes, I have six hook, I never tell no one.

I was like, catch her, rub her jewel.

You don't need all the hooks, and I'll tell you why. When you go home tonight

and you take off your bra, you'll notice only one hook is doing the work.

Because these things aren't structurally sound. It's that middle hook that's been

stripped of its paint.

The hook and I are so warped, it looks like God-touching man.

Ugly bra's important.

It's an important bond.

Brought ugly bra on a recent trip.

You know, the world opened in the last year or so, and I think I'm like a lot

of people in that, when you had the chance to take a trip, you were like, we

just gotta fucking go. Pack the toothbrush, let's go.

So we took, like, uh...

Anniversary, post-baby, babymoon, birthiversary, work is hard, mix it all

together, we never take a vacation trip, we went to Italy.

And I'm gonna admit something that no woman has ever admitted before, here I

go.

We did not have a great vacation and... it was my fault.

Thank you so much, good night. No, it was my fault.

But here's why it wasn't my fault. I don't know, are you...

A person who works? Are you a woman who works? Do you have a family? Do you have

a passion in this world? Yeah.

Are you fucking tired? And not just tired from work. Tired from living up to

the expectations of everybody who comes in contact with you. It is exhausting.

We need a break.

And we're always championed. Like, oh, keep working. And then it's a joke when

you're tired. Like, oh, my wife is tired.

She doesn't want to have sex. She's tired. Not just tired. She wants to be

dead. for a week.

She wants to be put in a medically induced coma if for nothing else just to

get rid of these bags so people stop asking her why she looks so tired. Yes,

I had just had a baby. I shouldn't have gone, but I was like, let's get it while

the getting is good. Let's go. Body was different. Mind was different.

Exhausted from work, stressed out, allergies, feeling nauseous. I think I

took too much Ambien. Is anyone regulating this? And we get there.

jet-lagged, and I am miserable.

And to make it worse, everybody there, all the girls were like 25, from

Michigan, and they were all like... on their honeymoons with their Triple-A

baseball player husbands named Colton.

Hey.

Colton, come here.

I'm flawless.

Colton.

Blixley. Brang... Brangan.

Come here.

Kraken, come here.

What are we doing with these names, America?

Don't mess with normal names. No one thinks we're from old line British

money. Like Huckston. I'm sorry, are you a hotel lobby?

What are these words?

Liston.

Boys,

I know, again, I got you.

What the fuck is a romper? I got you.

Let me explain.

A romper is a garment made for a toddler.

That because of our society's obsession with infantilizing women, we have

convinced grown adult women that they need to wear, okay?

Not one woman has ever put on a romper and then said,

part of a giant plan to keep women down. Like, you'll have CEOs, mothers,

business women walking into meetings like, thank you for waiting.

Just tugging at it.

You gotta be smart to wear a romper. I hope you know that.

You do. It's a puzzle, because there's only enough cloth to cover one set of

genitals adequately.

Like, you can cover your nipples, but Cleveland, your south mouth is out,

okay?

It's gonna be out.

I'm a woman. When I put on my clothes, I should not have to decide if I'm going

to dress to the left or the right.

They're all in rompers, having the best time, and all the Italian women were

stunning.

Olive skin, designer outfits, wearing six-inch heels, fucking killing it on

ancient cobblestone walkways, not missing a beat.

Sitting there in fartable umbros and orthotics.

Just eating. I was like, it's called Parmesan. We'll never see this cheese

again. We should have it.

Now.

Load her up on my bra and I'll pull it back to the hotel.

It's duty free if you eat all of it.

These women were so beautiful and I would just look at them snorting ham and

I would just be like, you girls are so beautiful. This food here is so good.

How are you not a thousand pounds?

And they would look at me and they would just be like.

Because we smoke cigarette, we do not eat processed corn for every meal.

American, you are disgusting.

She was right.

I was disgusting.

But not of body, of heart, and mind.

I was feeling so bad for myself, and then I started to feel bad about how bad

I was making myself feel, and I don't know if you're like me, but when I'm in

a bad mood, nothing makes me feel better than dragging everyone down.

Then I started to get mad at myself because I would look at these beautiful

girls who hadn't just had a baby, and I would look at these other girls, and I

would be like, ugh, they're making me feel bad about myself, which is insane,

okay? They're not making you feel anything, and it's okay.

It's okay to look at other women and decide what you like about them that you

might want for yourself, okay?

And society will label you competitive.

A word that we reserve as a positive for male CEOs, male athletes, and men in

general. But if a woman ever dares to make herself better, she's competitive.

Sit the fuck down. It's normal. It's intelligent.

It's called fucking adapting.

It's called evolution.

When I look at another girl, it's not about disdain for her. It's about

looking at her and thinking, what about you? Do I want to try for me?

That's what we do. You are constantly...

You are constantly submarine sonaring yourself off of other women.

That's how you improve.

Life is not a vacuum. You have to take in everything around you.

She has bangs. Should I get bangs? Remember the 2000s? Don't do it.

Ooh, she's wearing a mustard jumper. Should I? Nope, mustard doesn't look

good on white people.

Low-rise jeans? Should I? Nope, you just had a baby. High-waisted elder

millennial black denim till you fucking die, sister.

Every girl does it.

Admit it.

Every girl does it. And don't believe the women that are like, I don't judge

other women. Yes, you do, and I judge you for lying about it. How's that?

It's okay.

It's okay to even have a bad thought. Don't share it. Don't be a fucking

monster.

Every girl does that. You leave your house, right? You're feeling great.

You're thriving, right?

You just did...

10 minutes of yoga, mostly shavasana, but you still did it.

You made a recipe for a green matcha oat latte you saw on TikTok, so you did

that. And you're feeling so good, right? You leave your house. You're like, I

feel so good. I feel so lean, so good. You see another girl. Maybe she's not

the cutest, right? Maybe she has her own hermit crab shell. Who knows?

At least she's a homeowner. Who knows? You see another girl.

And for the quickest of seconds, you judge her. You're like, aw.

She's not too cute. Maybe she's not. Maybe she's wearing bootcut jeans and

wedges. Who knows?

Oh, my God, Cleveland, that's bad.

Okay.

We'll cut that part. You see her.

you're just like, oh, she's so cute. She's trying.

Why does she bother? I look so good.

And then you turn the corner and you see one of those hot girls in the butterfly

fart bras and she looks beautiful even when she cries and you're like, oh, why

do I bother?

Return me to the sea.

Let my body break down into fossil fuels that I may fuel the yachts of hotter

people.

Your partner just wants you to feel good, right? Your husband, your

boyfriend, your partner, they just want you to feel good. They don't understand

the complexity of self-loathing when it comes to being a girl. They don't

understand that everything is attached to everything and nothing is an isolated

incident, right? Men are able to compartmentalize. But they are simple.

And I envy that.

A guy can look at weight gain like an isolated thing. Well, I gain weight.

Better remedy that with some bigger pants. Here we go.

To the Dillards.

Not that simple for girls, is it? Because we know when we gain weight,

it's never just about the weight, is it? No, it's attached to many things because

everything is everything and it's all happening at once. That's right.

I gain weight because I don't have a work-life balance. I don't have a work

-life balance because I hate my fucking job and I don't have time. I hate my

fucking job because I didn't get the job I wanted because I didn't go to school

for a long enough time because the guy I was dating at the time didn't encourage

me and I always date the wrong men.

That's what it's about.

That's what it's about.

We are constantly beating ourselves up as women, and we are constantly feeling

bad. And then I started to feel bad about the fact that we feel bad, and

then I started to think on the fact that we have a mental illness in this

country, where as totally normal women, we just feel bad about ourselves, or we

just feel gross.

At least once a day, if you're an American woman, you will utter the

phrase out loud or to yourself, ugh, I just feel so gross.

For what?

For sweating?

For working out? For not working out?

for feeding yourself?

For having sex?

Okay, that one, I don't know. He might be.

They might be. To burn off the whole arm. Okay.

It's easy to stand here and say that. However, counterpoint, you know when

you're eating and you take like one extra bite too much and you can feel

yourself gain weight because your bra gets tight?

I call it the thickening.

And boys, you need to know about the thickening because so many of our

behaviors as women, you're like, oh, she just went crazy. Everything was fine.

No, it was the thickening. It's not you.

You brought us for a nice meal. It's not your fault. Every girl's been sitting

there. You're like, I'm having the best time. And I'm just, uh-oh.

And get me out of here. And you should know.

Once the thickening happens, it's over. And it's nothing you did. We need to go

to a safe space and eat more food, okay?

That's what the thickening is.

She's not horny.

She just, you gotta get her out of there. No woman's ever been like, ugh, I

just feel so gross. Let's fuck it out of me. It's over.

Give it a beat.

I was feeling so bad about myself and so mad at myself and just, ugh, just awful.

And my husband looks at me and he goes, Well, I think you're beautiful.

It's not about what you think.

It's between me and her and she doesn't even know it.

And every night we'd go to bed.

I would kiss my husband goodnight and I would say, I love you.

My husband would say, I love you too.

And I would say, okay.

Go to sleep.

And he'd roll over and he'd go to bed.

And I'd roll over and stare at the door where bra would be hanging.

And I'd look at her and she at me.

And I'd whisper to her.

And I'd say, I love you.

And Bra would look back at me and she'd say...

My cups runneth over.

Seriously, you need to go up a band size.

And I'd say, please, don't go. You could at least wash me.

I said, please, I need you now more than ever. I can be useful in other ways.

You can carry your jewelry in my cups. I could be stuffed into the shoe to keep

its form. It was like the end of The Giving Tree.

Cut off my straps and make me into a necklace for a village cat.

Only been married for four years, but in that short time, I have figured out what

marriage is.

Notice how everyone's silent. All the long haulers are like, let's hear it,

missy.

Marriage is every morning for the rest of your life, waking up next to someone

and having to hear a full report of how that person slept.

like this information is new and interesting.

You are a monster.

My husband does not sleep well.

I know my husband does not sleep well because I sleep next to my husband.

Part of my wifely duties is every morning I must play the part. I must get

into character. I wake up, I see him.

My lord.

Seems you've grown a tail.

Then my husband plays his part.

Who, me?

Oh.

Not well.

Amen.

I don't talk about my husband a ton in my act, but I did that joke for the

first time a few weeks ago, and he was on tour with me, and I came off stage, I

was like, is that okay?

And my husband was like, no, it's great.

It's great. It's cool.

It's cool. It's just really cool how only one of us has a microphone.

And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, okay, Eliza, like you never repeat

yourself. I'm like, what do I repeat? He's like, how many times a night do you

yell at me to look at the dog?

She's a dog and she's naked. Look at her.

Okay, she sleeps between my feet. I see her. She has tail and mouth.

She has perfect nose-to-mouth ratio. One-to-one. Never seen before.

She's just baby.

He's like, you know, we have a real baby. I'm like, but this one has four

feet.

You can kiss this one deep in the mouth. You will not go to jail.

Don't judge me.

My husband has trouble sleeping. I actually have a little bit of trouble

going to bed because, I don't know if you're like me, but I need to look at

TikTok for six to eight hours before I... Oh,

it's my reward. I'm like, I read a full paragraph of an actual book.

My eyes open, and I will let it feed me conspiracy theories, ancient alien

architecture, a Pomeranian in a raincoat, Taiwanese nail art, pizza

-making tutorials, a duck walking across a deck.

I will look at lipless pit bulls. I don't care. The other day, I watched a

thick couple in rural Illinois do a custody exchange in the parking lot of a

Hobby Lobby...

to a

Jason Derulo song.

And I double-tap for part two. I watch these two thumbs get out of their

matching cherry red F-250s, swap kids, and the dad looks at the camera like

he's hosting American Idol and goes, we're divorced, but we co-parent. How do

we do it? I'm like, probably a court order, Zeke. Double-tap. Part three.

into their truck next to their new spouse who let's be honest it's the

middle of nowhere America looked identical to the melted vanilla pudding

cup they left in the first place.

Real lateral trade if you ask me and then I double tap for part four it was a

link to their family Etsy store I bought a bandana shop small America.

My biggest issue with social media is the

Commodification of intangible things right the commodification of mental

health for example. Okay, so what do I mean by that America? Well, I mean this

whatever you're dealing with No matter how niche or huge what you're dealing

with is, there is someone out there who knows exactly what you're going through.

They've written papers on your issue and they've gone to school for it. They are

called doctors.

And I will tell you what, America, after these last few years, those are the only

people from whom I would like to hear. I don't want your feelings to be facts.

I'm not interested in alternative facts. I'm not interested in armchair

psychology. I'm not interested in your trauma giving you the qualification to

give some sort of medical advice, okay? And don't be so sure that the person on

the other end of that TikTok actually cares about you. Remember, a look is a

like, okay? A click is a like is a dollar. This is all being monetized,

okay? So just be very careful, because you don't know who's over there, and you

don't know what their intentions are. I only want to hear from doctors and

scientists. I don't want to hear from couples who think vanilla essential oils

cure autism.

I don't want to hear from anyone who's done their own research, personal facts,

none of that.

Because it finds you. You have to be very clear. about what you're looking

for, it will find you. You're just sitting there looking at those lipless

pit bulls like, no, baby needs a kiss right on the mouth. And they pop on

like, hey there, just dropping in to remind you, make space for Grace. You're

like, who the fuck is Grace? Get out of here.

There's always some girl named Cheyenne with a Dreamcatcher tattoo.

Like, hey there, just dropping on to remind you, you are safe on this page.

I'm like, no shit, I'm safe. I'm taking a dump in my own home. Get out of here.

feminism is another one. To review, feminism is the idea that people should

be treated equally.

That's it.

It shouldn't be politicized, and I understand that it has the prefix femme,

so it's like, ugh.

But in our third and fourth wave feminism, in an attempt to empower

women, we've decided the best way to do that, to communicate with the masses, is

to talk to women like they are fucking idiots. And we use a specific language.

You've seen it. You've seen it in gift shops.

You've seen it on thank you cards. You've seen it on empowerment bags.

You've seen this.

Pejorative, infantilized, I call it glitter speak.

You've seen it. Splayed across RBG totes and Michelle Obama on a unicorn wine

bottles. You've seen this language.

Yes, sassy bitch.

Sassy AF.

Work queen.

Yes, girl. Twerk it, mama. Rose all day. Thick with three Cs. Working and

twerking. Not an entrepreneur.

A shit entrepreneur.

Not a boss. A boss bitch. Because it's different than a regular boss. Like a

boy. Boss. Bitch, yes. Twerk queen, mama. Thick raccoon, bitch. Do it all

day, bubblegum mama face.

Yes, queen.

Work, bitch.

Slay all day, mama. They stole this language from black gay trans drag

queens and made it their own to sell you pencil bags.

Who is this language good for?

I don't want that. I don't want to be a boss, bitch.

I don't want to be a bitch. That's not nice.

I want to be regular boss.

You would be horrified if someone used this language in real life. So I don't

understand why we think it's okay to just write it on everything.

You'd be horrified, girls, if you were at work and your male boss went up to

your male coworker and was like, Tom, good job. Keep it up. Cowboy style.

And then... he turned to you and was like, and to you, she-bitch.

Keep it up, thick-ass glitter queen.

Yes, mama.

Working and twerking on the weekend.

Keep rewriting herstory, not history, right?

You thick, juicy, empowered slut.

Who wants that?

We like the idea of empowering women. In theory, that's a really nice idea, but

in practice, we're still very uncomfortable with the idea of a strong

woman who makes money.

We want to promote the idea, like, yes, work, get that money. But when you do,

when a woman is a capitalist, it's like, well, how are you considering other

women and the planet and the animals? What are you doing to make sure you're

the best? Have you apologized lately?

What are you doing to stay humble?

We don't like it when women are capitalists. We love it when men are

just unabashed and just kicking in dicks. You ever see, like, realtor

billboards outside, like, in rural areas?

It's always some jackass in a 10-gallon hat and a gun just like...

My name is Dan, and I'm the number one realtor on the south side of town. I'm

Cowboy Dan, and I will fuck your wife in your condo and sell it back to you with

a 30% markup.

Let's do some paperwork.

And it's easy for me to stand up here and to tell you to be empowered and be

strong. But we all know when you're a woman, the real world is very scary. And

you will be dinged, you will be faulted for failing to not be perfect to

everyone all the time. And what breaks my heart is that women can't carry that

strength with them all the time. And it breaks my heart when girls who really

have done nothing get attacked.

You go online, you see a girl, maybe she's not the prettiest girl, right?

And you know it took a lot for her to, like, post a picture. And there's always

one comment.

from a private account, because you know he's brave.

This poor girl took everything just to post a picture, and it's something about

her weight or her gender or telling her to kill herself.

Why can't you control yourself, you fat bitch? Why can't you control your

thumbs, motherfucker, and just say nothing to this stranger?

Ask any woman in your life. You do not have to be famous for people to say...

vile things to you. And it's easy, we just say, like, oh, just ignore it, but

you carry it with you. By the way, I don't think it's the gentlemen that are

here. Because if you buy a ticket to see me, you're very smart.

You're a good guy. You are.

And I love you.

And if you don't know who I am and your girlfriend dragged you here, I have your

money.

I've got great news for you boys. If you're ever online and you see a girl

you don't like for whatever reason, you don't like the shape of her body, the

cut of her jib, the size of her tooth, she only got the one, whatever.

Great news for you boys.

You don't have to fuck her.

Isn't that great?

We don't have that program set up yet. That's right. You don't have to fuck

her. You don't have to patronize her small business. You don't have to pay

her any mind. You never even have to see her again because you have the power to

take your probably very small finger and...

Scroll right on by. That's all you gotta do.

Don't pay your pain forward.

I wish that women could speak to men in real life with the impunity with which

you speak to us online.

That's what I wish. I wish there was a federal holiday every day.

Where I could just tee off. No physical repercussions. That's what I wish. I

could be walking with a girlfriend, and one of you would walk by, and I'd be

like, that one, I'm having a bad day. I'm gonna go off.

I should be like, don't do it. You don't know him. I'd be like, that's the whole

point of this holiday. Hey!

You, yeah, it's thinning up here. We can all tell. Fuck you.

There is an anger toward women in our world.

in our country. You can see it with the current legislation that's being

written. However, I wrote this joke before all this happened. Lucky for me,

hating women is evergreen, and so these jokes still work.

But there is an anger toward women when they don't give attention, a sexual

experience, love, admiration, a conversation to an absolute stranger.

And there can be deadly consequences for it. And that's not her fault, but this

is what happens.

Now is the portion where I bring it down in order to bring it back up, but here

we go.

That kid that shot up the University of Santa Barbara a couple years ago, I

know, it is hard to keep them straight, America, but this one was different.

Because this kid wrote a whole manifesto about how women don't pay attention to

him and don't sleep with him, and this is what they deserve. That guy that shot

up that Asian strip mall in Atlanta, he had a whole interview about how women

don't sleep with him, and he's alone, and this is what they deserve.

So now, this next part, I'm going to be as clear as possible because this is a

Netflix special, so what I say next will be translated into hundreds of

languages, and I want to be succinct, and I want to be loud, and I want to be

clear. So here we go.

Gentlemen, if you are not having sex, and we're not talking a dry spell, we're

not talking you're a little shy, we're not talking your Aunt Sheila did a

number on me, I gotta take a knee, we're not talking you swiped right, she had a

tail, you didn't know it till the awesome blossom came.

We are talking, if you don't have sex, and the narrative of your life is that

you are not having sex because women are bitches, women are whores, you're a nice

guy, and you deserve better.

That is nature's way of saying you should not be having sex for you failed

to adapt and evolve and there should be no more of your kind

If you can't figure it out

And

I understand

Women cheer for that. Most men do. Some men are reserved. I get it. I'm a girl.

I'm not one of you. And you don't know. You're like, I don't want to cheer for

that. That means I'm leaving behind. It's bros before hoes. I'm leaving

behind my guys.

I can't do that. Yes, leave them. Leave the diseased portion of your herd that

is broken.

They're giving you a bad name.

We believe you are good. Come with us for snacks and sex and good-looking

babies.

And gentlemen, if it still makes you uncomfortable, I totally get it. It

might make you more comfortable to know that I stole that entire idea from a man

named Charles Darwin. You can Wikipedia it, okay?

It's just evolution and adapting.

Because here's the truth, boys.

It is so easy to get a girl.

This is where I lose the women. You were on my side. We're out of here. It's so

easy.

To get a girl. By virtue of the fact that there are more women than men on

this planet, it means the odds are ever in your favor, okay?

The fact that women are brainwashed into thinking that we lose value as we get

older, that's not true.

But as we get older, our standards aren't lowered, but they are negotiable.

So you can get in there.

And I know, I'm supposed to stand here and be like, all women are fucking

treasures. And we are. All women are G-diva.

Power bitches, that's right. Diamonds in the muff. All women are delicate,

beautiful flowers.

Some are.

And some are total armadillos. And boys,

get you an armadillo.

Get you a fully loaded armadillo with a CD changer and everything.

Get in there.

So many girls are like, am I an armadillo? No.

I'm always afraid that when I say that, I'm going to see that back door swing

open and I'm just going to see a shell and a tail.

I did not drive in all the way from Toledo, to be told.

It is so easy to get a girl, gentlemen. All you got to do is show up.

Just be good at something.

Women love a man with a purpose, even if it's a dumb one. I love model trains.

Like, ah, I'm there.

Girl, it doesn't matter.

He's got a passion. It doesn't, it could be anything.

Like, you know what? Even fishing.

Someone will take you.

Someone will be like, I'll take him. So is that a wide mouth you caught?

I can look at your Instagram where you're holding all of them. Great. I

can't wait.

Could be good at anything. You could be smart. That's always a plus. You could

be rich, obviously. Good looking.

Good at math.

You could be nice. Turns out that's attractive.

Like later in life.

I know men don't want to be nice. I'm Rambo. I'm a badass.

I want to be nice.

Nice guys finish last. Yes.

But at least they finish.

You could be good with computers. You could be funny.

Honestly,

you could be an alcoholic.

You could be... Some girls like to party.

You can be shy.

That's kind of cute. You can be nerdy. Some dorkstress. I will roll the eight

-sided die with thee. Like, whatever.

Honestly, sometimes you could just be tall.

Like, for a little while, that's enough.

You could just be tall. All the 5'10 guys are like, fuck you, motherfucker.

You can't be tall.

You gotta be alive.

Come here.

You could just be tall. You ever see the way girls' eyes light up? Like, tell us

about your boyfriend, Colton. Okay, well.

Colton, come here. Come stand in the Zoom, because I want my family to see

how fucking tall you are, especially my sister, because she's a bitch. Come

here. Come stand in the Zoom. Come stand next to me. Come stand next to me.

Stop it.

Put on a fucking towel.

I'm not looking at that. Stop it.

Because the whole audience doesn't realize it's a dick. Stop it.

You can get a girl, boys. Magicians have girlfriends.

I'm not even talking like David Blaine, multimillionaire, Vegas magician.

We're talking some guy doing sleight of hand at a bar mitzvah. He's got a girl

waiting in his Ultima in the parking lot.

That's my baby.

In closing, been married for...

Four years. I'm 39 years old. We have a beautiful little girl who just turned

six months old. And before we had that beautiful little girl, about a year

before, we thought we were going to have a baby and we had a miscarriage.

And I don't tell you that to garner sympathy or make anyone sad or bring the

room down, Cleveland. I only tell you I had a miscarriage because I have a

microphone.

And we don't talk about these things.

And I'm not embarrassed about it.

And maybe if we did talk about these things, maybe if we normalized these

discussions, maybe if all discussions about women's bodies weren't hidden

under a stack of cash, under a Bible, under a federal building, maybe...

If

this happens to you, because it happens to three out of every ten women, it's

not that it would take the sting out of it, but you would know you're a part of

a large group. You did nothing wrong.

You're not weird.

You're not bad.

You certainly shouldn't be prosecuted for it.

And you'll be okay.

But it wasn't until I got pregnant that first time that I became personally in

tune with how often women are asked about children.

Prior to that, no one had ever asked me about children because I'm a stand-up

comic.

in a clown suit somewhere on a regional flight, won't you?

But I realize how often people ask women about this. I didn't get that before,

right? Now, it's totally normal and innocuous to ask a woman, do you have

kids? That's an okay thing to ask because it's, we'll call it traditional.

Someone had kids, it's why we're all in this room, right? It's totally

traditional for two humans, regardless of gender, to put their bodies together

and then through means of sex, science, or trade...

Acquire smaller humans that they then put in their home and then subsequently

put to work. Okay.

That's what's done. It's a little less traditional to be like, we're in a

throuple and this is our tortoise, but okay.

However, you ask a woman, do you have kids? And she says no.

If she doesn't continue that conversation, that's not her in need of

prompting, do you want kids?

She has her answer. She was just drawing a boundary.

There's no more information.

We have to be okay with that.

She has her answer, and she's thought a lot about it, and it's very personal to

her, and that answer is somewhere in the realm of, yes, we actually do have kids.

They're weird-looking.

Yes,

we want them. Yes, we're working on it. We're fucking real hard. We're not sure.

It's expensive.

Something's wrong with me. More likely, there's something wrong with him. We

don't know.

Unclear. Future's uncertain.

Come back later. Or, fuck no, we love our tortoise. Whatever the answer is.

Whatever the answer is, I promise you her answer is never that she forgot and

thank God she ran into you at the dry cleaners.

Because, Cleveland, I think it speaks to the constant conversations about women,

rarely to our betterment, often to our detriment, and the misinformation and

disinformation about vaginas, okay?

Just remember, there's a lot of people making a lot of money off of you feeling

bad about what's normal about you, okay?

We don't even have to make this political. We already did. But we can

keep this social. We'll keep it in pop culture, right? We'll talk about all the

things that we hear about this, this idea that she's got to keep it tight.

Right? A loose woman. You gotta keep it tight.

Let's put this to rest.

Tis tight.

It's tight.

I understand if she's had several children, it may not be that tight, but,

ooh, chances are, if she's had several children, a tight vagina ain't at the

top of her priority list, okay?

It's tight enough. Work your pelvic floor for your own health, but it's

tight enough. Let's put it this way, gentlemen.

It's tight enough for you and your...

five inches of fury, okay?

Which is plenty.

What's making women feel so insecure? How tight do you need it, boys? What are

you, fucking a dolphin blowhole?

You're fine.

All right? You're gonna have a good time. This idea that it tastes like

candy.

No candy!

No candy for you!

It's a vagina.

It's a body part, okay? At its finest, it might be, what, a little...

Metallic? I don't fucking know.

Why would it taste like candy? What other part of your body are you like,

oh, fudge ripple?

Like, it's not... Girls are gonna feel real bad about it that it doesn't taste

like candy, and you shouldn't make it taste like candy. You're gonna make it

sick. That's a problem.

Makes girls feel bad. He comes up from down there, and he's like, green apple

Jolly Rancher. You gotta call an ambulance.

this idea, this stigma, that you have to keep it clean.

No!

The vagina is self-cleaning.

Okay?

Leave it alone.

Yeah, there's a small chance you're sick and you have to see a doctor, but for

the most part, it is clean.

It's clean. You know what isn't clean?

Your penis.

Yeah. I've seen you put it anywhere just for funsies. Yeah, I don't be tracking

that through my house. Yeah.

Okay? It's clean. You don't need to do anything to it. It has its own

ecosystem, okay?

You don't need to clean it. You don't need to put a Glade plug in, okay?

You don't need to steam it. Quit it!

You don't need to vacuum it. It's not the backseat of a Mazda. It's clean,

okay?

The vagina is its own ecosystem.

The vagina has its own pH balance. That's why it has its own smell and its

own temperature. Your vagina...

Cleveland is like a rainforest in that it is dangerous, it could kill you, it

is damp, and it needs government protection.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

Never be a mermaid, cause it was never in our land.

Now make some noise, you party goblin.