All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S02E07_English

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

-♪ Come on home
-♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You know I'm waiting here
for you

♪ I'm coming home,
now, real soon

-♪ You've been gone
-♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You don't know
what I'm going to do

♪ I'm coming home,
I know I'm overdue

-♪ Since you went away
-♪ Expect me

♪ Any day now real soon

♪ I'm coming home
and never more to roam

-♪ Baby, tell me you're
-♪ Baby, I'm for sure

BOTH: ♪ Coming home

-♪ I'm coming home
-♪ Come on home ♪

(TYPING)

MARGARET: Is it on?

Can you hear me?

Yes! You must have
installed it somehow.

Why can't we use a normal phone
like civilised people?

We're all on Skype now, Mum.

-Hi, Margaret.
-Is that Julie? Of course.

She gets you in person.

I get some kind of
downloadable file.

Are you overeating again?

Of course not.
What poppycock.

You realise that Skype
has pictures, Mum?

Have you thought
about getting a dog?

-What?!
-Well, you walk it every day.

It's very good
for your blood sugar.

You want me to wander about
aimlessly, stopping only to wait

while something defecates
in the street?

It's great for stress.

I'm not stressed!

Just continually aware that

I've been replaced
in my daughter's affections

by someone who swanned in,

after I'd done all
the nurturing

and caring,
and pushed me aside.

What do you think?

What do you think
is going on with those two?

Firstly, I'm not
a psychologist.

(SCOFFS) You're a veterinarian,
apparently.

And secondly,
that's part of my lunch.

Part?

Maybe you should be
getting a dog.

(MOBILE BUZZES)

Hello, Amber.

You're doing that face, eh?

-What face?
-You know the one.

You told Shawn you would help
him get work experience.

Where at? Centrelink?

I am quite capable

of giving my son
some careers advice, Amber.

To offer careers advice,
you kind of need to have a...

Oh, what's it called? Career.

Yeah, and I have
a brand-new one.

As what?

Greyhound impresario.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

All the brothers
and I have obtained

what I'm calling the Makybe Diva
of greyhounds.

(FIRES GUN)

AMBER: And how's that
going for you?

Yeah, everything's
going to plan.

Ugh.

You and Dad are getting
on better these days.

Why would you say that?

-I only heard one 'fuck'.
-Ey!

That isn't like you, Amber.
Something you'd like to tell us?

Ooh!

Don't make me fill
the jar, Kayne.

What did Dad say?

You can forget
work experience with him

unless you want a career
as a village idiot.

Well, I can't do
it with Pop again.

No, sorry. We're knee-deep
in Operation Smorgy's.

Right, Kayne?

Haven't you been banned
from every branch?

All but one.

Phwurgh!

I'll see you dickheads
back at the house.

I've got to put out a bushfire.

Not an actual bushfire.

Aw, look at him!

He's a dud, Troy.

Yeah, he is.

We had such big plans for you,
didn't we, Senna?

Ey.

(THUDDING DANCE MUSIC)

(DOG BARKING)

I'm sorry, that's disgraceful.

It's basically two weeks off,

a chance to kick back
and contemplate the future

while beating
all my high scores.

You should be using work
experience as an opportunity.

Happy to,
if it's something cool,

something I might actually
want to do.

-Something cool?
-That's it.

And who do we know that's cool,
Edwina? No-one.

(RAPS) ♪ You plus me equals
a relationship

♪ Being with you is
simple arithmetic

♪ Put U and I together
in the alphabet

♪ Baby girl, I'll meet you
behind the shelter shed

♪ If I had three wishes
Only need the first

♪ Just need you to be part
of my world

♪ Prove I'm legit... ♪

Hi, Mum!
Can you see us?

Hi, Margaret!

Straight across the top,
and square.

Look, this is all very well
for the young people.

I feel like I'm on Lateline.
Where are you?

-We're having mani-pedis.
-Leopard print on all of them

and diamante on the big toe.

-We do it every fortnight.
-Don't let me interrupt you.

No, you're not.
We're still on pedis.

Anyway. What did
the doctor say?

He told me to get a dog.

Apparently I'm stressed.

You?! Who'd be
mad enough

to cause you stress?

(BESS LAUGHS)

GIRL: Look, Daddy, a dog.

(GROWLS)

(SNARLS)

Hey, Shawny.

Look, everyone,
it's the impresario.

-Yes. Amber tells us you're a...
-Fuckin' idiot.

Jar.

You doing the Smorgy's
thing again, Wayne?

(ROCK-GUITAR RING TONE)

Yeah?

-Nice to see you two speaking.
-Unh.

What? Whereabouts?

Oh, you dopey wing nut.

I cannot leave you three alone
for a minute

without everything
going shit upwards.

What?

Jesus wept!

Take a long hard look, boys.

(SIGHS) Jesus.

-Nice.
-What have the Stooges done now?

They dumped Senna
on the road somewhere.

-Harsh!
-What?!

I didn't tell them to do it.

Oh, so this wasn't
part of 'the plan'?

Wayne...

Kind of at a critical
planning stage here.

God, alright, I'll go.

Hey, can you ring
those idiots

and find out
where they left him?

He could be anywhere by now.

Hm?

-Dad, I was thinking...
-Were you?

See, Oscar? It's catching on.

-Heh heh.
-Danny, that's terrible.

No, got me a beauty, Dad.
Good one.

-Yeah.
-Aw.

See? This is why you'd be
the perfect person

for Shawn to do
work experience with.

-What? No!

-Come on!
-No!

-It'd be great!
-No!

Look, I'm tweeting you, #no.

But see, you're cool.
Shawn says you are.

He loved that thing
you tweeted last week,

cats that look like Hitler.

I think I was the first person
to tweet that.

-He's always quoting you.
-Really? Like when?

When you said #megafail
at the end of the Logies.

That was a good one.
I got two retweets for that.

-Favourites, Dad.
-Good as a retweet, son.

Come on. It's not for long.

Well, in the interests
of family,

why not let him sit
at the feet of the master?

-Who's...
-I'm the master.

-Of course you are.
-Let's do it.

Nicely done!
Someone's learning.

Was that learning?

The lesson is flattery
will get you everywhere.

You should try it, Oscar.

Hey, Dad, your hair looks nice.
Can I have a new bike?

#nyet.

Hello, Senna!
Here's a Snausage.

Snausage! Come on.

Come on, sweetie.

TV: Next on 9,

all-new
The Farmer Wants A Wife.

Still? You'd think he would have
found one by now.

Look, Amber,
it's your next husband.

Mission accomplished!

WAYNE: Whoa!
You've gone in hard.

I had to buy five lots of stuff
just to get the docket.

The final piece of the puzzle.

Don't tell me they've roped you
into this dopey plan?

Everyone's got
a part to play, Amber.

Look at this, three for three.

You've spent over 200 bucks.

-So much No More Tangles.
-I hate tangles.

That kind of defeats
the purpose, doesn't it?

It's not about
the money, Amber.

Look who I found!

Oh, so cute!

Is this the dud?
He's not a dud, he's a thinker.

AMBER: Then he won't fit in
around here.

(SNEEZES)
Oh, Mum! I can't...

You know he's allergic to dogs,

unleaded petrol and...
What's the other thing?

Not being a dick?

Yeah, well,
I'm not giving him back to Troy

and those horrible brothers.

They just dumped him, Wayne.

Poor little Senna.

(BLEEPING)

What is that?

I think it might
be the landline.

I haven't heard that
for months.

-Where is it?
-Here it is.

-Bess.
-Let's just hear a couple more.

Just let me do the talking.

I think she'll do the talking,
and the screaming.

Mum!

Down here.

Oh, my God! What is that?

Do you like him?

I'm assuming that somewhere

there's currently
an unguarded meth lab.

Oh. Hello, Julie.

BESS: Don't be so cruel
about Senna.

Aw! He's so cuddly.

I'd sooner cuddle Bill Shorten.

Bess, I really don't want
to force Senna on anyone.

He needs love 24/7.

You were intending
to leave this... Senna pod here?

You need a dog,
Senna needs a home.

I'm looking for something to fit
into my purse.

This is a miniature pony.

Bess, this isn't a goer.

Mum, you could give him
such a nice life.

(GASPS) Look how he's
looking at you.

Oh, he really likes you!

(CHUCKLES)

But I'm booked to inspect
a Shih Tzu.

Come on. You and I will figure
something out.

Mum, just for a couple of days
until Julie finds someone else.

Kayne's allergic.

His face has blown up
to the size of a normal face.

(GROANS)

What does it eat?

See if you can find out
what he actually does all day.

Wow, you're early.

-Am I?
-Yeah.

Well, I start late...

..later than most.

Well, people with...

Like your dad.
What does he do?

He... Starts late too.

Yeah! #stickingittotheman.

Which man?

Coffee?

I can get you a uh,
espresso, cappuccino,

caramel macchiato?

Or just Blend 43?
Still a classic.

DANNY: I'm pretty sure...
-I'll just have a water.

Cool. We have got still,

sparkling...
Uh, tap water?

Yeah. Rockin' the H2O!

Inspiration can strike
at any time.

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

-Can I clean up here?
-Sure.

If you want to. I would do it
myself, but snowed under.

Back to work.

Man's work.

Makin' buildings.

(CAR HORN)

New-season varietals are here,
four cases.

Must be some mistake.

BESS: How's that?
Aren't they great together?

It's unbelievable.

This morning,
she was talking about

getting Senna
a subscription to the MTC.

They've certainly bonded.

I didn't think
it would happen so fast.

I can't thank you enough.

Her blood sugar was 5.1.

Wow, that's great.

So she's happy to keep him?

Forever.

That's him!
That's definitely Senna.

Troy, look at this.

No, guys, I told you,
it's a fake,

they grabbed Natalie Portman's
head, put it on another body.

No, no it's the dog.
He's from a line of champions.

Bullshit!

-This website doesn't lie.
-Hm.

Not like that one that sent us
that box of sand.

Oh, you mean,
'the unreleased iPad'.

Troy, he's worth a shitload.
We've got to get him back.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!

Now that is a breathtaking
waterfront hideaway.

-There's someone in your garden.
-What?

Oh, him.

He's just a local... Burglar.

One of many. Look.

Stealing a rake there.
Doesn't matter. It's an old one.

(CAR HORN)

Where do you want
the Pinot Gris?

Just there's fine.

The man who ordered them
will pick them up later.

Let's get back
to this cliff-top villa.

When I say villa,
it's just a beach house.

It's quite modest.
It's a very small footprint.

Dad, the man wants to know

when he can
deliver the Coonawarra Reserve.

-These wrong numbers!
-Dan... You need to chill.

I am chill... ing.

-This is all cool.
-Is it?

You're designing cool stuff,

you don't have a boss,
you can work at home,

wear track-suit pants.

Sure, pretty wanky ones,
but still.

Hm.

Give yourself a break, eh?

See you tomorrow.

See? That's how
it's done, son.

WAYNE: Ah, Shawn.
-What's happening?

This is.

What is it?

-This is a complete...
-Hey!

Let's hear.
He's been rehearsing all day.

Thanks, Jules. This is
Smorgy's, Ferntree Gully.

And this is us tomorrow night.

You and your mum, table 12.

Jules and Brianna, next to
the bottomless gravy boat.

And in booth 9,

at the end of the Golden Fried
Mile, me and Dad.

The George Clooney
and Brad Pitt, as it were.

So that's what this is.

And you can be the Matt Damon.

Were there any women
in those movies?

I'm sure there would have been.

Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Oh, yes, please.
You can be her, babe.

Oh, babe, I'm not wearing a wig.

I wasn't thinking that,
but I am now, yeah.

-Dad, the plan!
-Oh, yeah, sorry.

As you know,
each of these coupons

represents two
all-you-can-eat meals

for the price of one,
no family groups.

That's why we'll arrive in pairs
at 14-minute intervals.

-Really?
-We can't arouse suspicion.

That's why I thought

I could go
as a grieving hot widow.

WAYNE: No.
-Who's going to question it?

What, someone coming straight
from a funeral to Smorgy's?

No disguises.

The 'Hey, fancy seeing you here.
Let's all eat together' moment

needs to be completely natural.

And we shouldn't
all be acquainted.

Amber, you have to practise
not knowing me.

-Finished.
-This plan needs secrecy.

No tweeting.

-Concentration and...
-Walkie-talkies.

...no walkie-talkies.

It has to unfold
with clockwork precision.

You could have just come
through here, numb-nuts.

Alright.
We'll sneak around the back.

You two keep her occupied
at the front door.

Yes, can I help you?

-We're from a charity.
-Really? Which one?

-Save the... Children.
-Animals.

Save the Children and Animals?

Yep. He's animals, I'm children.

You've teamed up?

Yeah.

And what are we
saving them from?

-Whooping cough.
-Internet predators.

People are using the internet
to stalk animals?

-Sick.
-Disgusting.

I see.

I should warn you, I have a dog.

SHAWN: But can't you do both?

Correct, if I incorporate
the solar panelling

into the rear of the design.

Like a spoiler.

Yeah, actually,
that's quite a good...

-That is awesome, Dan!
-Going well, is it?

Shawn, I was thinking,
tonight is the annual

Architects' Club dinner.

How would you like to be
my plus-one?

Oh, no! You mean, I have to stay
home and miss your drunken rant

about that eyesore,
Federation Square?

I can't.
My family's going to Smorgy's.

Oh, really?
Well, why don't we all go?

You, at Smorgy's?

Sure! Who wants
to listen to stuffy architects,

telling me to shut up?
We'll do Smorgy's.

I'll wear my best
track-suit pants.

Actually, Dan,
it's just for the Wheelers.

Sorry.

Hi, guys.

-Ready to go, Shawn?
-Yeah.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Senna's been kidnapped!

What? Who would kidnap Senna?

He's probably
already been sold

into the illegal
dog-fighting circuit.

Mum, calm down. I'm coming over.
Stay there.

-Oh, I couldn't poss...
-Stay!

It's OK.
I think I know what's happened.

Can you give me a sec?

-What is going on?
-I know!

Fancy thinking
we're too good for Smorgy's.

-Still with this?
-I mean sure,

'all you can eat'
is a pretty offensive idea.

I mean, didn't they see that
Four Corners?

-Danny.
-But I'm up for it!

I mean, I'll happily eat
five incompatible cuisines

off one plate in a barn
if I have to.

Who is saying that you have to?

It's just I thought that Shawn
and I had...

You know, something.

-I'm a mentor.
-You are!

-You're a complete mentor.
JULIE: It's OK.

Those idiot brothers
have taken him back.

What, the ones who dumped him?

Yeah. Yeah, it's OK,
I'll deal with it.

No, I will.
(FRUSTRATED SIGH)

Can you get your mum
to come and pick you up?

-Looking good, Kayne.
-You too, Dad.

Um, Dad?

What are you doing out here?
We can't be seen together!

-Where's Mum?
-Isn't she with you?

She isn't here yet.

Bloody hell! Not now.

-What's the big deal?
-We're about to do the walk-in!

It's the best part.

(CAR HORN BLARES)

What the f...

Where's the dog?

-Bess?!
-Where's Senna?

He's fine.
(MOBILE CHIMES)

You stole him.

No, we retrieved him.

Kidnapped him, I think you mean.

It's all gone to shit.
We'll have to abort.

We might have to consider
going in one man short.

That wasn't the plan.
I don't work that way.

Dad, you know the seafood
gets hit hard early.

We'll be left with just
the poor man's oyster.

No way! I want more than prawns.
Much more.

-We'll have to chance it.
-Dad, let's eat!

All we can.

Two-for-one, thanks, mate.

Another one.

Enjoy.

Just one moment, sir.

Code number for the toilets.

Oh.

We get some dodgy people in.

I'll bet.

OK. Stay cool.

Now, you secure booth 9,

I'll tackle the buffet
of champions.

Oh, wow.
I think I'm having a smorgasm.

We should never
have given him away.

Yeah, but you did.

Mum, come in.
Let Senna know you're here.

Let's face it, Bess, he's not
my dog. They had him first.

-Yeah, we had him first!
-Yeah, but you didn't want him!

I found him
dumped on the side of the road.

Yeah, but you didn't
want him either.

I did want him.

I loved him from the moment
I saw him.

I just couldn't keep him.

But I found somebody
who could.

Do you think that I could give
him the life that she has,

shower him
with the opportunities

and the clothes
and the theatre subscriptions?

-She was just looking after him.
-No, she bloody well wasn't!

That is a different dog
because of her.

You can't
just swan in here

after someone else has done
all the caring

and the nurturing
and the loving,

and expect
to take all the glory.

Look, Jules, I'm grateful
to Margaret for...

No, you should
just be grateful

I haven't knocked
your teeth out.

Margaret is Senna's mother,

and that's who
he's going home with.

-G'day, Wayne.
-The Broccoli Baron!

'Your Majesty' will do.

I hope your boys recovered
from that shellacking

we gave them in the Juniors.

I hope you've recovered
from that arse-kicking

we gave you at Calder.

0.01 of a second, wasn't it?

I'll take back that 0.01
of a second

and add another 0.01 of a second
in January.

0.02 of a second.
That's pretty big talk, Wayne.

That widow one of yours?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

What about the blood nut
in booth 9?

What are you implying,
Broccoli Baron?

You're here for a bit
of two-for-one action, mate.

Shit.
(LAUGHS)

So you've been reduced to this?

Hey, Dad. Mum and Montana

are sitting over there,
just like you said.

-Sst!
-Well, well!

Don't think
you invented it, Wayne.

-Huh.
-So, you up for the mile?

You're on.

(STEAM HISSES)

-Two-for-one, thanks.
-(SIGHS) Of course.

Are you two with anyone else?

You want to talk about
where his dad is,

here, at a fucking Smorgy's?

Of course not, no.
That's not what...

Come on, Shawn.

BESS: Senna!
-Senna!

Senna!

JULIE: Senna!
-Come on.

Senna?
(SENNA BARKS)

Here he is!

Hello!

Look who's here!
Look who's here.

Oh, Senna! Thank God.

Let's go home.

I've iQueued Inspector Rex.

(MOBILE CHIMES)
Let that be a lesson...

-Bess, we've got to go.
MARGARET: You're a good dog.

Hey, since we've all
fortuitously bumped

into each other by coincidence,

why don't you join us
at our separate table?

It's like George Clooney
is here.

-Hey!
-Oh, shit.

G'day, Shawn!

Hey, everyone.
I'm glad you're still here.

Sorry, sir. I think you might
have the wrong table.

-What?
-There's clearly been a mix-up.

Sorry, are you drunk?

Excuse me,
is there a problem here?

No, not at all.

Can I ask,
are you all the one family?

No! No, we're not.

Aren't we?

Yes. Yes, we are.

My God, Senna,

it's degustation
on a terrifying scale.

Johnny!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

I've got a new plan
for next time.

There's a new Smorgy's
opening up...

DANNY: Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.

No, you can only have
one coupon per group.

-Oh! I see.
-Come along. Come on, buddy.

-Hey.
-Hey, Senna!

-Senna!
-Senna!