All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S02E06_English

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

-♪ Come on home
-♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You know I'm waiting here
for you

♪ I'm coming home,
now, real soon

-♪ You've been gone
-♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You don't know
what I'm going to do

♪ I'm coming home,
I know I'm overdue

-♪ Since you went away
-♪ Expect me

♪ Any day now real soon

♪ I'm coming home
and never more to roam

-♪ Baby, tell me you're
-♪ Baby, I'm for sure

BOTH: ♪ Coming home

-♪ I'm coming home
-♪ Come on home ♪

That's nice.

Too small!

First rule of fashion,
bigger is better.

-Can I help you?
-We're after a necklace.

Do you have anything
like that here?

Only joking, you're obviously
a necklace shop,

although not just
strictly necklaces, are you?

It's my mum and dad's
30th wedding anniversary.

That's me, I'm the dad.

And he wants
a big diamond for her.

Biggish.

(GASPS)
Oh, my God!

That one,
with the teardrop!

Oh, your mum would love that,
wouldn't she?

She would totally die.

That's not
the result we're after.

How much is that one?

4,200.

Dollars?

Do you have another currency
in mind?

Thai baht would bring
the price down a bit.

Shall we call it 100 bucks?

Now, look,
that probably is a bit

on the exy side for us,
isn't it?

So unfair for Mum!

-I'll put it on lay-by.
-(SQUEALS)

I'm getting married
to a man like you!

Except hotter,
with two eyes.

I'll see if we still have
the paperwork for lay-by.

So, I'll use this week's pay
and...

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Who are you sending that to?

-Mum.
-Brianna, it's a surprise.

-No, it's not.
-It is.

Mum always picks
her own presents.

She hates surprises.

Not when it's
a diamond necklace.

Oh.

What are you doing?!

Seeing if it's real.

Oh, my God.

Of course it's real.
Look where we are.

There's so much knock-off stuff
on the streets.

You don't want someone
pulling a swiftie.

Ow.

You hurt your tooth,
didn't you?

That diamond's real.

So, you went shopping today,

in High Street
and Church Street.

How do you...
Oh!

I bumped into Daisy
who would have seen Davina

who would have called Pat
from VIEW Club

who would have told you.

Who needs CCTV when you've got
your mother's friends?

Also, there are shopping bags
on the table.

(GASPS) That reminds me,
I found the most beautiful

wedding anniversary present
for Wayne and Julie.

It's a decanter.
I know, I know...

30th is pearl,
traditionally,

and diamond for modern,
I think.

Remember those pearl-encrusted
candlesticks

that I got
you and Dad?

Yes. I don't need
to see it, Bess.

-Mum, please don't be jealous.
-I'm not!

Well, those candlesticks cost
a lot more than this decanter,

and I was a student then,
so if you...

(GIRL SCREAMS)

Edwina, what's wrong?

Oscar Instagrammed my feet!

Oscar!
How could you?

What's "Instagrammed"?

He posted photos of me online.

Artistic photos!

I thought something was wrong.

Something is wrong...
his Instagram addiction.

There's nothing wrong
with my Instagram addiction.

It's going really well.

He takes photos of my feet,
my elbows, my nostrils!

I got 17 likes
for her nostrils.

-Ah!
-OK, OK!

Oscar, Edwina's nostrils
are private.

No-one knows
they're her nostrils.

People thought I was
in a cave.

(GASPS)

Stop posting photos
of Edwina.

But how am I supposed
to express my art?

(SIGHS) You can express it
with some gift wrapping.

Wayne and Julie's present
is on the table.

Go!

If it's any consolation,
darling,

those nostrils did look like
the side of a mountain.

(SPORTS ON TV)

Ta-da!
My anniversary present.

-Oh, a juicer?
-Mm.

Now, Brianna, you and I can
do our juice cleanse properly.

Juice cleanses
aren't good for you.

They said it on
Embarrassing Bodies, remember?

It's a fad.

You love fads!

That's a good price, Mum.

Yeah, if you buy it now,

you get an electric toothbrush,
an alarm clock and an umbrella.

Bags the electric toothbrush.

Bags...!
Oh.

I'll check which card
to use, Dad.

Oh, leave that with me, Amber.
Ow!

You alright, babe?

A juicer's a bit boring,
isn't it?

It's my present.

-Isn't it my present to you?
-No.

Have you been using
your account?

Someone's taken your pay.

What?!

I haven't finished!

You must be reading it wrong,
Amber.

Yeah.
I used to work for a bank.

I must be reading
the bank statement wrong.

Ow!

-What's the matter?
-Oh!

I burned my hand...
on the stove.

Kayne must have left it on!

Me?
I microwaved the sausages.

Mum, it's hurting!

Alright.

-How much?
-It's my money.

That I look after to stop you
doing mental things like this!

Shh!

You can't keep a secret
from her.

I want to buy her a necklace.

Remember when Kayne
kept his report a secret?

Mum made photocopies of it
and did a letter-box drop.

Remember when Brianna kept
her belly piercing a secret?

Mum turned up to school
and made her

take it out
in the middle of Maths.

Remember when your mum
had her fairytale wedding?

No, neither do I,
'cause she never had one.

She never had
an expensive ring.

She never had anything
expensive.

That's right, we bought
the dragster at the $2 shop.

She can't wear that
around her neck.

I'm doing this, Amber.

Ow.

-What's wrong?
-Nothing.

Oh, shit.

Oh.

(UPBEAT MILITARY MARCH ON TV)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Seriously?

You're Instagramming
what we're watching?

Hey, Oscar, nice shot.

You're following his Instagram
of him watching the program

instead of watching
the program?

-Hmm.
-Mum!

You're following him too?

No, I'm answering
some emails.

(SIGHS)

You always do this
when it's my turn

to pick what show
we watch.

I'm just multitasking.
I'm loving the show.

-It's very funny.
-(CHUCKLES)

It's a documentary about Obama's
universal healthcare plan.

-Such an achievement.
-Oh, that's very important.

No wonder Oscar
has an addiction!

Eddie, calm down.
You should be encouraging him.

He's got a real flair for this.
Look at this decanter.

Look at the way he shot it,

with the light filtering
through.

-That's beautiful.
-Yeah.

What did you call that?

"Happy anniversary,
Wayne and Julie."

Oscar! You Instagrammed Wayne
and Julie's anniversary present.

-You bought them a decanter?
-Take that down before...

-What's wrong with a decanter?
-When have you seen the Wheelers

open a 15-year-old bottle
of red?

Kayne drank a bottle of tomato
sauce that expired in 2004.

-Not the same.
-Anyway, Mum,

what were you saying
to Oscar?

Wayne and Julie
are not decanter people.

Oh, so, they're not
decanter people

but we are decanter people?

You make us sound
like two different tribes.

Oh, my God,
I bought them a decanter.

Don't even think about it.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

What are you doing
in the junk drawer?

Whoa, what is this,
the Spanish Inquisition?

-What are you looking for?
-I'm not looking for anything.

I found the superglue.

Except for the superglue.
Which is great, Brianna,

'cause now I can help you
with your....

-Nail extensions.
-Nail extensions.

You sure you should
be using superglue?

Yeah. It's the latest thing
in L.A.

You see?
You love fads.

Come on, babe, hurry up.
I want to watch Game of Thrones.

You start, I'll just help her
with her thumbs.

I found this in the laundry.

Thanks! Was there anything else
good in there?

It's not to play with,
you dickhead.

It's to glue
Dad's filling back in.

-Why?
-'Cause it fell out

after Dad bit something
he shouldn't have.

Like me,
that time with the spanner.

Snap, Dad.
I'll go get Mum.

BOTH: No!

I'm buying your mum a necklace
for our anniversary.

If she finds out
about my tooth,

she'll make me go
to the dentist,

and if I go to the dentist,

then I can't afford
the necklace.

I thought she was getting
a juicer?

No, I'm surprising her
with the necklace.

Remember when she found out
you were planning

that surprise party and she put
your clothes out on the lawn

and said she was surprising you
with a divorce?

And did we get divorced?

And did your clothes
get nicked?

Just glue my bloody tooth
back together

and Mum will never know.

(GROANS)

What happened to you last night?

I came in late,
you were asleep.

I wanted to play Khaleesi
and Drogo.

-Oh.
-What about now?

You want to play
Wake the Dragon?

I'd love to, babe, but I've
got an early maintenance call.

Yeah, her name's Julie,
and she needs a good service.

(SIGHS)

Have you got any of those
strong painkillers?

-Is it your tooth?
-No.

Oh. You are going
to the dentist today.

-No, I'm not.
-That's infected.

I can put up with
a bit of pain

if I just get
some painkillers.

(SIGHS)

So now you have two secrets.

You have secrets?
What secrets?

What?
Not from Nan.

You're not keeping secrets
from Nan?

You'd better tell him
what's going on.

Oh, no.
No, I don't wanna know.

I don't want to be any part
of a secret.

Too late, Shawny.
Tell him.

Where are you...?

(BELCHES)

Hi, everyone.
Meet you in the car, Kayne.

Why are we going so early?

-Because you are!
-Ow.

Oi! Where do you think
you're going without a smooch?

Oh. Sorry, babe.

Bye.

What's up his bum today?

I returned the decanter,

but it's been so hard
to think of another gift.

Danny suggested
a hot-air balloon ride,

but I was a bit worried
they might have an accident.

Have you checked out
the prices?

I wanted to show you
what I picked,

but I don't want
you to be upset.

I didn't set out to buy

the same gift that I bought
you and Dad,

but these are nothing like
those ones anyway.

Where are those candlesticks?

-Oh, well, we...
-What?

What?

I haven't seen
those candlesticks in ages.

But you'd like me
to bring them out now

to compare them to
a newer version?

I know how that feels,
and I won't put them through it.

(TEXT ALERT CHIMES)

Hey. Look what Bess
got Nanna and Pop.

Oscar Instagrammed it.

What the fuck are they supposed
to do with that?

Is that a bong?

You put wine in it.

-Yeah, I was close.
-Oi, oi!

(MUMBLES)
Your mum's home.

-What's wrong?
-Huh?

With the Janis.
Wayne, why are you under it?

(MUMBLES)

-It's the axle shaft.
-It's the chassis shaft.

Hey, did you pick up my juicer?
I want to wrap it.

(MUMBLES)

He said he wants to wrap it.

(LAUGHS)
Yeah, right!

Oh, I love you, babe,
but you're no Martha Stewart

with a ball of twine.
Where is it?

-Just let him do it this year.
-No.

-What's the big deal?
-The big deal, Amber,

is that he doesn't even know how
to contrast two wraps.

Because you never give him
the chance.

OK, alright.
Wayne...

I've got stripes,
I've got polka dots.

Which one goes on top?

Thought so.
Do you want me to ask him

how he'll do the ribbon?

Oh, for shit's sake, Mum,

just let him take
the initiative.

I take the initiative
around here!

OK. Bloody hell.
Alright.

If it's so important to you,
Wayne, wrap it yourself.

But just don't forget
to watch a demo on YouTube.

She often has candles out
but never in my candlesticks.

I don't think she likes them.

Am I just terrible
at buying presents?

Well, I did ask for a Vespa last
birthday and you gave me a hat.

At least you pretended
to like the hat.

Would it kill her to pretend
to like the candlesticks?

That's what our family's
built on, isn't it?

Pretending to like presents
that we don't like?

-Oscar!
-Danny, you'll wake him.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Stop Instagramming us in bed!

Oh, Oscar!

What effect did you use
to make me look like that?

There's no effect.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

No more Instagramming people.

-In bed?
-DANNY: At all.

Can't you be like normal people
and take photos of your food?

But my followers love
the way I Instagram.

Upside-down Pie Face called me
"an important storyteller."

Well, from now on,
you'll have to tell

important stories
using bananas.

Mmm.

Oh.

I'm sorry I got upset
about the wrapping.

I know you'll
do a good job,

especially with that paper
I bought, and the ribbon.

And I've got this excellent
tutorial on YouTube to show you

about how you can turn bows
into little pompoms.

There.
Babe?

WOMAN: Hey, everybody,
this is Candy.

Today, we're gonna talk
about gift wrapping,

-finishing off with pompoms.
-Babe?

It's not too late
to change your mind.

I'm fine.

So we'll go to
the jewellery shop tonight?

You're not handing over
all that cash without me.

Oi!

Go!

Oh. Good-bye.

They had an emergency call.

They're air-conditioner
installers, not the SES.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, are you guys gonna
come home before Zumba

or will I meet you there?

-Oh, I can't go tonight.
-Me either.

I have to work late.

I hurt my hips.

You hurt your hips?
How?

I don't know, but it's like
Shakira says, they don't lie,

and they don't want
to go to Zumba.

-But you should go.
-You should totally go.

What are you doing?

You can pretend
to like the pinch pot

that I made you in Year 7,
but you can't pretend

to like the anniversary gift
that I gave you?

I don't have to pretend
to like them, I love them.

Then why don't you use them?

Isn't it enough to know
that I treasure them?

Do they have to be on display?

If you don't want them
to burn the insides

of your cupboards,
then yes.

Why does everything
have to be so public?

You don't have them, do you?

You gave them away.
You re-gifted!

I did no such thing.

Prove it.

There was an incident.

I can't use them,

so I keep them
next to my bed.

What incident?
(GASPS)

It doesn't matter.

Mum! The gift I gave you

looks like it's been
in a cartoon crash.

What happened?

Sometimes it's better
not to know what happened.

Shall we talk again about
the importance

of telling me the truth?

Your father was away for
our 30th wedding anniversary.

Mm-hmm.
He was at a conference.

And when he came back,

I tried to show him your present
and he refused to look.

He felt guilty.

Why would he feel guilty?

Darling, he wasn't
at a conference.

He was having an affair.

What kind of affair?

The usual kind,
with a mistress.

He had a mistress?
Who?

The legal secretary.

Adele?
Aunty Adele?

(GASPS)
Oh, my God.

And so you found out and hit him
with the candlesticks!

Of course not.
I'd known for years.

-Years?
-I was furious

that he wouldn't look
at your present

so he could ring
and say thank you.

That's what you were
furious about?

Well, his affair was no excuse
for bad manners.

He said
"You just thank her for me,"

after you'd gone
to all that trouble.

I followed him outside -

this was the old house
with the steep drive

and when he got in the car,

I'm afraid I threw
the box at him.

Of course, it missed,

and bounced down onto
the road and...

A garbage truck ran over it.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, Mum!

I'm so sorry that Dad
treated you like that.

Oh, sweetheart.

Aunty Adele's the one
you should feel sorry for.

(LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

I thought a mistress
was somebody

who taught French
at a boarding school.

Your mum's dad had
a different kind of mistress.

What did she teach?

She was his lover, you idiot.
They had sex.

Gross!

BOTH: Gross.

Poor Nanny Margaret.

The thing is,
she wasn't upset about it.

The woman who gets upset about
napkins being called serviettes

was unfazed by her husband
having an affair.

It obviously worked for them.

Danny! They were living a lie.

Only to you,
not to each other.

I can't imagine Nanny Margaret
putting up with someone

-she didn't like.
-She puts up with your father.

Does she?

Mum, are you gonna finish
your dessert?

No, I've lost my appetite.

See you in the morning,
everyone.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Hey! Not at dinner.

That's so unfair!

How am I supposed to
Instagram food?

(WAYNE GROANS)

The tablets aren't working.

OK, you're going
to the emergency department now,

and I don't want to hear
another word about it.

You haven't heard any.
He can't talk.

I'll get some pillows
for the truck, so he's comfy.

I'm not going to hospital.
Go and get the necklace.

Sorry, Dad,
can't understand you.

I have to do this for Mum.

Oh, this fucking necklace
better be worth it.

Nan's home.

(APPROACHING CAR)

Oh!

It's the welcoming
committee.

(ALL LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

So... so where's Dad?

He went to visit Bess.

Without me?

She needed his help
with something.

She didn't need you.

Oh, my God.

Mum, what's wrong?

You tell me.

Nobody wants to talk to me,
my husband won't touch me,

you guys don't want
to go to Zumba with me,

and even Bess
doesn't want me either,

she just wants Wayne.

We have to tell her!

Tell me what?
What's going on, Kayne?

It's Dad.

He's hiding something from me,
isn't he?

What is it?
Is he smoking?

Is he gambling?
Has he lost his job?

No, Mum, it's nothing
like that.

Amber, you have to tell me
what's going on!

(GROANING)

It's like Brianna said, Dad's
gone to see Bess because she...

..she got this bullshit vase
that you drink wine out of

for your anniversary.

-That's true.
-That's totally the truth.

Oscar Instagrammed it.

What has Dad got to do
with a vase?

Well, he was trying
to keep it a secret from you,

which we all said was stupid.

-Really stupid.
-Insane

But he insisted,
being the moron that he is.

And, um, he's gone to Bess's
to make sure it was OK,

because it looks fucking hideous
in the picture.

This is what he's been hiding?

Told you it was hideous.

What?

"After my mum found out
her dad had a mistress,

she couldn't eat
her dessert."

Mum.

Jules, I have
a confession to make.

-Ah!
-Ooh! Ooh!

I'm so sorry, babe.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I got a surgeon
to sneak you in next,

one of the good ones.

-Wayne, did that injection help?
-Thank you.

You really
didn't need to go to

all that trouble for us,
Bess.

Oh, It's all my fault.

Or Oscar's.
Danny's deleting his account.

He didn't mean any harm.

Well, he needs to learn
the difference

between public and private.

He's going to have a few lessons
from Margaret.

-Poor Margaret.
-She's fine.

It's Wayne we should
be worried about.

Yeah, he tries to do
something beautiful for me,

and I smack him across
this rotten tooth.

I shouldn't have tried
to surprise you,

I shouldn't have made
the kids keep a secret from you.

I don't like surprises.
I don't like secrets.

You know, I had a surprise early
in my life with you,

and then after I gave you up,
I had to keep a secret.

I never want to feel
that feeling again.

You also have
some control issues.

Yeah, the doctor told you
not to talk.

Yeah, OK.

JULIE: What is this?

Oh, no way!

Oh, my God!
It's a juicer!

-Seriously?
-A juicer!

And an alarm clock!

And an umbrella.

And an electric toothbru...

Wayne?

Oh, Dad!
(CRUNCH!)

Why would you ever pay
full price?

-Oh.
-(CHUCKLES)

That looks so real.

It's such a good knock-off.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)