All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S01E07_English

♪ Come on home

♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You know I'm waiting here
for you

♪ I'm coming home now
real soon

♪ You been gone
♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You don't know
what I'm going through

♪ I'm coming home
I know I'm overdue

♪ Since you went away

♪ Expect me any day now
real soon

♪ I'm coming home and
never more to roam

♪ Baby, tell me you're...

♪ Baby,
I'm for sure coming home

♪ I'm coming home
♪ Come on home. ♪

Mm-m-m-m-m-m.

When did we become
a hugging family?

- Mum, are you alright?
- I've got a headache.

I accidentally heard some
commercial radio this morning.

Excuse me. Could you bring me
a piece of that? Thank you.

You should check
your blood sugar level

before you pog into that.

Come on. It's dark chocolate.
Isn't that good for us now?

How rough you've become, Bess.

18?

Don't. No way.
Take that back.

And you are coming with me.

- What are we doing?
- Quickly.

She's with the cake Stasi.

She'll be
back to question that later.

I feel fine.

Where are we going?

Between 5 and 8 is fine.

18 is start
finalising your will.

Don't be so dramatic.

I had lunch with Davina.

She made rigatoni
con la pajata.

It'd have been an insult
to refuse it.

Fine, but don't follow it with
cake and you walk it off.

Walk it off.
What a vile concept.

You know how much I hate
mindless walking.

What about mindless dying?
Surely, that's worse.

Does seething with rage
count as exercise?

BESS: She's been making jokes.

- Margaret?
- Yes.

Finally something she should
be taking way too seriously

and she's cracking wise.

COMPUTER: Melinda Gates,

humanitarian,
philanthropist...

What is it with you
and Melinda Gates?

- You cyberstalking her?
- She's my inspiration.

My humanities assignment?

Thought I was your
inspiration.

Oscar, tell him
who you're doing.

- Kayne.
- Uncle Kayne?

I'm doing a movie about him.

I don't think he's really
movie material.

You want someone like the guy
who invented the Internet,

not the guy who stores
his own farts in a jar.

Not just his.

This is for humanities, yeah?

Danny, this is the first time

I've seen him interested in
homework since...ever.

OK. Yeah, sure. Do it.

The jars are numbered.

- How's this?
- Yeah, good.

We've got a lot to get through

so let's start with
impressions.

Great. Action.

There are two types of people
in this world, my friend.

Those with loaded guns

and those who dig.

You dig.

Great. Who was it?

He's on fire. My grandson's
clearly got an eye for talent.

What's the prize?

It's an assignment for
humanities.

Pity. This is 'X Factor'
standard.

OSCAR: Great.

(Loud crashing)

(Screaming)

- He's not that good.
- What's happened?

I just got my online
accreditation.

For personal training.
I'm fully qualified.

Where's the certificate?

I haven't printed it out yet.

Congratulations.

I think.

I have to Facebook these.

She's a personal trainer.

This week she is.

Yeah. She's done a bar course,
modelling, cake decorating...

- Something with puppets.
- Welding. Receptionist.

WAYNE: Pole dancing.
Look, he's pole dancing.

She has done a lot of courses.

She's started a lot of
courses.

But she's qualified.

Yeah, I got an email saying
I'm the archduke of Nigeria.

(Mobile rings)
- Probably spam, love.

Hi, Mum.

What do you wear for this
walking?

You don't need anything
special.

Of course I do.

I can't start wandering
the streets

wearing a skirt and jumper,

the neighbours'll think
I've gone all Iris Murdoch.

BESS: For God's sake.

You need to come down here
now. It's mystifying.

I can't come now.
I'm with the Wheelers.

MARGARET: Really?

Then I assume
you're happy for me

to drown in a sea
of tracksuit pants.

I will call you back.

- I need you here.
- Bye.

Can I see the certificate?

How would you
like to help a woman

in desperate need
of a fitness regime?

Yes.

(Screams) You won't regret
this.

Oh, no. It's not me.
Why do...

- Who is it?
- Mum. My Mum.

- My other mum.
- But she hates me.

No! I've never heard
her say that.

Not unless I include you
in her hatred

of the general public.

That's pretty much everyone,
isn't it?

Yes. That is everyone.

But don't worry. She is going
to love this idea.

No. Absolutely not.

Well, it's all organised.

What? Who appointed you
my manager?

You did when you put your own
life in danger.

Please.

I don't need a personal
trainer. I'm not Posh Spice.

What you don't need is butter
cream and chocolate mousse.

- They're from King Island.
- Cholesterol island.

You can have these things
occasionally

if you agree to exercise.

With her.

Excuse me.

She's fully accredited.
She's got a certificate.

This isn't about me
it's about her business.

It's about both of you.

Can't you see? We're part of
the same family now.

You're about to burst into
song, aren't you?

Right here in the poultry
lane.

You and Brianna,
it'll be great.

Otherwise you and
your blood sugar levels

are on your own, together.

I did purchase a tracksuit.

It doesn't matter.
You can wear anything.

I'm well aware of that.

KAYNE: Groovy baby...
- How's the assignment going?

It's really good.
Kayne is so funny.

I'll tell you what's funny.

All this has got me thinking,

who would be my inspiration?

Then I thought,
The answer is obvious.

- John Farnham?
- Better.

F to the H.

- Fred Hallows?
- Hollows.

Oh, yeah.

All that eye business,

problem that they had,

bang,
sorted by the hollow man.

He changed lives.

He didn't do just a really
good Austin Powers.

Want to see his Borat?

No, I don't.

Because I'm going to be
writing an essay

about the man
who put the eye in inspiring.

Do you understand what I'm
saying?

Some of it.

You want me to ask Mr Petrucas
if you can do my assignment?

I don't think he'll let you.

Hollows.

Oh, yeah.

Cool guy.

His middle name was Cossom.

That's inspiring.

How?

Overcoming that.

Wouldn't have been easy.

Hi.

Oh, God. Is that Stella
McCartney?

- Who?
- Looks good.

I wasn't sure.
I got it online.

Some of the pictures on eBay,
I'm like, Right.

This is from Harrods.

Oh. You look great.

What you wear is so important
to this.

This is what I've been telling
Bess.

She'd be happy for me
to do this

dressed as a pantomime horse.

BESS: Film's coming along?

It's good to see he's
capturing

some of Kayne's skills

rather than that farting
about.

(Boys cheer)

I wonder what's happening.

Maybe I should give them
a call,

just see how they're going.

KAYNE: Can you help me
fix these pants?

Well, hello.

Did she find the house?

Oh, yes. We're en route
to the park right now.

The park.
They're off to the park.

Brianna thought it would be
faster if she drove.

- She was right.
- What was that?

The sound barrier. Afterwards,
should we meet at the cinema?

- Sorry, I can't make it.
- You must.

Judi Dench and Maggie Smith

inherit a tumbled-down
Tuscan villa.

Oscar and I are going
with Kayne

to install some air
conditioners.

- Can we reschedule?
- I bought tickets online.

Sorry. I'm stuck out here.

Fine. I get the picture.

Oh, don't...

Want to get started?

Let's do it.

One, two, push, push.

Push.

Lift the arms for summer.
One, two, three, four.

Oh, four.

That's it.

But relax your shoulders.

Are you feeling it?

I'm embarrassed.

You don't need to lose any
weight.

This program is all about
strength and fitness.

Seriously, you're lucky
with your trim figure.

Well, thank you.

I have to tell you,

Stella McCartney's really
working for you.

How would you like to
go to the movies?

We've still got a bit to do
here.

- Gold class.
- (Shrieks)

Yes, I love...it's not
cinema Europa, is it?

Actual gold class.

Then maybe afterwards

you could let Bess know
how much fun we had.

That is assuming
you enjoy the film.

Who cares about the film?

First it was Thai fish cakes
and mini spring rolls.

- Wedges?
- Surely wedges.

So many wedges.
Then as the movie started...

- Gourmet pizzas?
- Double wagyu burgers.

- Double.
- Dipping sauce?

Just keeps coming.

I heard they're going to do
a platinum class.

- Imagine that.
- Triple wagyu.

Hang on. You're getting free
gold class.

You're apparently an
inspiration.

What's this family's problem
with me?

Look, Brianna's
just trying to keep

the old bird out
of an early grave.

That's what you stay focussed
on. Wagyu or no wagyu.

It's going great.

She'll tell all her friends.
I'm growing the business.

She must be happy. We had the
Belgian chocolate mousse.

Belgian chocolate.
That's a thumbs up.

- Ha.
- Ha.

You thought they wouldn't
connect but look.

Mum sent me a photograph of
them in gold class.

Her plan mustn't be working.

What?

She's trying to make you
jealous.

No.

Didn't she have to be dragged
to the park?

Now suddenly this.

It's because you were with
Julie.

I wasn't with Julie.
I was helping Oscar.

Doesn't matter.
Who took that photo?

The usher?

The usher. She asked the usher
mid-movie to take a photo.

She must want you
to feel left out.

No. She is.

She's an evil genius.
Isn't she?

Do you feel left out?

No, doctor. I don't.

Do feel like a wagyu burger,
though.

So, I assume you were with
Oscar

because you were talking him
out of the movie thing.

No. It's going great.

Did you know,
Kayne has webbed feet?

- See, this...
- No, no.

We're not having
this conversation again.

- This...
- No.

If I don't talk about it,
will you have sex with me?

Those are my options?

I'm already a double wagyu.

That's it.

Yes. Sort of.

But relax your shoulders.

OK. Try this.

Visualise someone
you really don't like.

I like to use Khloe
from The Kardashians.

No. I couldn't.

You're like Mum.

Can't get her to go in hard.

You're so similar
in a lot of ways.

Wow. Yeah,
just take a breather.

Here's something I don't get,

why did you have to adopt
Bess?

Have you got blocked tubes?

One of Amber's friends
has blocked tubes

and they've had to sell the
car to pay for IVF.

Which makes Amber laugh 'cause
she can have kids like that.

I feel sorry for them.
Having to walk everywhere.

(Margaret sobs)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

Ar, do you want to do
some goblet squats?

Let's do some goblet squats.

Um, that's great.

Relax your shoulders.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't talk.

No, it's fine.

- Shall we stop?
- I'm fine.

These are good goblet squats.

OK. Let's take a look.

- It's not finished yet.
- I know.

Just to get an idea.

OSCAR: Stop farting, Kayne.

- It's the couch.
- Stop farting.

Whoa.

I'm pretty sure this doesn't
meet the criteria

of the assignment.

I haven't added the text yet.

It's meant to be someone
who inspires.

I don't remember footage of
Mahatma Ghandi miming a fart.

You're being unfair.

Is this how you want to be
when you're 25?

Yes.

Dropping your pants and
talking to a spanner.

I hope so. Yes.

(Farting sound)

That was the chair.

I wasn't being inspiring.

- Hello.
- Where is she?

In the ladies.

Thought she wasn't going to
come after...

- After what?
- Didn't she tell you?

You didn't make fun of her
tracksuit, did you?

- She started crying.
- Crying?

Full-on crying.

She hasn't cried since John
Howard was defeated.

Or before that, actually.

I thought I might have pushed
her too hard,

that she called me here to
bone me.

No. I think you're here
to make me jealous.

Hi.

Are you OK?

Never felt better.

- Thanks to your regime.
- Oh, cool.

Is that a new top?

Ah, yeah.

It's awesome.

Mum, are you OK?
Brianna said you were upset.

Overexercising. That's all.

Really?
You had a total breakdown.

I didn't. It's very common.
I googled it.

Actually, yeah. Yeah.
I learnt that on the course.

Something in
the 'Good Weekend'.

Happens all the time.

- 'Catalyst' did a special.
- Very common.

Radio National had someone on.

Hear what I said? Oscar,
when he grows up,

wants to be just like Kayne.

- Yeah?
- Farting his way to glory.

I think Kayne's got a few more
strings to his bow than that.

What? Where are you today?

Have you ever seen
Margaret cry?

- This is a real question?
- Yeah.

Cry? Let's see.

Wince, yeah. Sulk, yeah.
Vomit with horror?

I recall that when I suggested

we stop at a service station
rest room.

- Cry?
- No, wouldn't happen.

Well, it did.

In front of Brianna.
Weeping, apparently.

Jesus.

You should have seen them
today.

- Finishing each other's...
- ..sentences.

- Exactly.
- Wow. Look at you.

It's happened. She's a genius.

- Are you saying I'm jealous?
- Yep.

Even though I knew that was
her plan all along.

Yep.

- She's that good?
- Yep.

I've been trying to find her
a friend for 30 years.

Exactly. You've had her to
yourself. Your own problem.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

No. You're wrong.

- It's Stockholm syndrome.
- It's not.

- It's exactly what it's like.
- What's Stockholm syndrome?

When people get depressed...

Don't say depressed from
living in Stockholm.

They fall in love with that
depression.

It's got nothing to do with
Stockholm.

Stockholm syndrome.

I don't have it. I'm not in
love with Stockholm.

I said I wanted to layer it at
the back to keep the fullness.

- I can't bear it flat.
- I hear you.

Totally bounces, though.

By the time you'd finished not
only was it ready to snap,

- it was grey.
- No.

- Left the toner in too long.
- Like, hello.

I worry the hot rollers
will dry it out.

Elaine does the wet section.

No way. You can borrow mine
for a trial if you like.

They will change your life.

Tell Elaine to use the fat
brush

and always go under, not on
the top.

Under. Alright.
I'll pass that along.

It's obviously
working for you.

Thanks.
I put a lot of effort...

Margaret?

Pat.

You look very vital.

Thank you.

Here's the genius responsible.

Brianna, this is Pat
from Q Club.

Is this your daughter?

No, this is my personal
trainer.

She does look like your
daughter.

- That's because I...
- Available.

Why don't you give Pat
your card?

Oh, yeah.

The reason I'm here with
Margaret is because...

..you're the best.

Pat, why don't we pop an ad
in the newsletter?

Yes. Bess.
That's your daughter.

They do look...

Oh, look.
Is that Michael Kroger?

- Really?
- Over there.

I have heard he comes here.
Pardon me for a moment.

What?

Why wouldn't you say
we're related?

- We're not related.
- Ouch.

- Technically.
- You...

I'm not ashamed of you.

I was going to say embarrassed
but wow.

Bess was right.

What did she say now?

You've been using me.

I'll wait in the car.

Relax those shoulders.

Don't worry.

I'm not here to see how
'Jackass 4' is coming along.

Come here.

- Why?
- Up.

Aren't I a bit too big for
that?

Never too big for that.

Ow. Just go the chair.
That's better. There.

What was the last book
we read together?

That alphabet one?

Well, how boring,

whereas this -

'I have nothing to offer but
blood, toil, sweat, and toil.'

It's two toils.

Are you drugged?

Aren't you getting out?

- I'm not sure I can.
- Here.

Uh.

Why would you think I was
using you?

You were being nice
to make Bess jealous.

That's not true.

Why are people suspicious
when I'm nice?

It's a little bit true.

But I like you. I do, really.

I like the way
we talk about silly things

like clothes and hair.

They're not silly.

See? That's why I like you.

Ashamed, you said.

I am ashamed.

But not of you.

I've kept this Bess thing
secret for so long

I don't know
how to talk about it.

Other people's secrets fine, I
can talk about them for hours

until the battery runs out

and I have to finish the story
in an email

but when it's me, I just...

I change the subject.

It's not good to bottle
that up.

No wonder you've got diabetes.

That's another word
I can't say.

Di-arbetis, I call it.
The Greek god of no cake.

You've changed the subject
again.

I'm very good at it.

'I am from now on

first soldier
of the German reek...'

Reich.

'..one word I've never learned

- that is sunder.'
- Surrender.

Got him reading some of your
old speeches, have you?

Great speech.
By a terrible misguided man.

Maybe that's enough declaring
war on the US for one day.

- OK. OK. OK.
- You, back to your homework.

It's good, isn't it?

I can't talk about it.

About how we couldn't have
children

and how I did get pregnant
once

and how I lost the baby.

I can't talk about that.

I can't tell people

how I had to have an operation
afterwards

and got some sort of infection

which meant I could never
get pregnant again.

I wouldn't know how to start.

BRIANNA: That's awful.

They tell us in school now

how chlamydia can wreck
everything.

Oh, no, this was a surgical
infection.

- Oh.
- I can't talk about it.

About how I looked into
adoption

and, I mean, I was desperate
to have a child.

Can you believe it? Me?

When I found

Janice...

..she was three weeks old.

She was perfect.

So I decided she was mine.

That's what I told everyone.

Maybe it was wrong
but I just wanted us to be...

- A normal family.
- Exactly.

And how did that go?

It went like a dream.

- 38 years until...
- We came along.

Like I say,
I can't talk about it.

If you hadn't got the diabetes

we would have never come
along.

Please, let me enjoy blaming
someone else for a moment.

Oh, no.

I thought this might happen.

DANNY: Yep. That's, um...

Pretty exciting.

I'm at the premiere of my own
biopic and I'm not even dead.

Yet.

Might have chipped your
laminex.

That's marble.

Really?

You got ripped off, Dan.

You can get marble-looking
laminex

for a quarter of the price.

Yeah. They really saw me
coming.

We're here to watch Oscar's
film. She's unbelievable.

I've seen some of this film,
I get where she's coming from.

I should tell her, I know what
you're trying to do.

I know you're trying to make
me jealous. It's not working.

Isn't it?

Did she just high five
my mother?

What is going on with them?

This who's your inspiration
thing's bullshit, isn't it?

- Edwina's done one, too, Mum.
- Oh, yeah?

- Who's yours of?
- Melinda Gates.

Oscar chose Kayne

and you chose someone
you've never met.

Fuckin' priceless.

Look at you.

Come on, Wayne, go easy.

Sorry. These things
never fill me up. Sorry, Bess.

Margaret's got quite a kick.

I'm sorry about her.
She can be so selfish.

We don't mind.

- It's exciting, actually.
- Oi!

In a Helen Mirren sort of way.

It's just rude to Oscar.

I've got to hand it to
Margaret on this one.

This is the longest time
Brianna's ever stuck at a job.

Obviously got something
special going on.

I think it's...

Special enough to go to that
organic springs place.

- What's it called?
- What is it?

Mineral Springs
and Holistic Spa?

- That's it.
- That's where she takes me.

She's already packed.

It's good, is it? Looks
full-on in the brochure

but apparently you still get
wine, which is nice.

Could you hold that?
Thank you very much.

BRIANNA: I'm pretty
remarkable...

I think that's probably
enough.

Her blood sugar will get too
low.

I've tested her twice
and she's fine.

You're not a doctor,
are you?

I'm not even sure you're a
personal trainer. Mum, enough.

I'm getting started.

I don't want you
to have a hypo

and get sick
and prevent any trips.

Here.

Maybe leave this to the
experts. OK?

Oh.

5.9.

- 9.
- 5.9.

5.9.

Oh, my God. It's 5.9.

Oh, my God, it's 5.9!

(Screams)

- What's this?
- She's 5.9.

Wow. I didn't even know she'd
been drinking.

JULIE: Good girl.

That's my girl.

Mum.

- Don't say it.
- Say what?

Whatever it is.

- Stop farting, Kayne.
- That stinks.

Oh, my God.

Groovy, baby.

You spelt inspiration wrong.

It's brilliant.

Thank you, everyone.
It was a really...

Did anyone get that on camera?