All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S01E06_English

♪ Come on home

♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You know I'm waiting here
for you

♪ I'm coming home now
real soon

♪ You been gone
♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You don't know
what I'm going through

♪ I'm coming home
I know I'm overdue

♪ Since you went away

♪ Expect me any day now
real soon

♪ I'm coming home and
never more to roam

♪ Baby, tell me you're...

♪ Baby,
I'm for sure coming home

♪ I'm coming home
♪ Come on home. ♪

Dad, I'll drive.

I'm on it, mate.

Mum said you weren't
supposed to... Hey, Amber!

I had an interesting phone
call last night.

How's this
for a spooky coincidence -

last night, you get
an interesting phone call,

this morning,
I don't give a fuck.

It's about a second engine
for the dragster.

That's my department.

I wasn't going to say anything
because it's not a done deal,

but I'm pretty sure
I got a sponsor.

Did you tell World Vision
we live in Zambia?

I'm not saying.
I don't want to jinx it.

I'll know
within the next 24 hours.

You may have underestimated
your little brother.

I could never do that, Dad.

Come on, mate, we're late.

No, you're not supposed to
drive.

If you've nearly got this
sponsor over the line,

maybe it's time to play your
trump card - Wayne Wheeler.

Lock 'em down
and close the deal.

I want to do it myself, Dad.

Remember that Team Wheeler...

(Car horn blares)

(Crash!)

Bloody hell! Where did you get
your licence?

- Sorry. I didn't see you.
- I've got right of way.

Can you read the street signs?

- It's all the same with you.
- Easy, mate.

- He's only got one eye.
- Nothing to do with it.

You can't be expected
to see everything.

Why are you driving
with one eye?

I'm driving with two eyes.
One just happens to be glass.

Are you sure
it's just the one?

- Everything OK?
- Fine, babe.

Kayne, don't show your licence
until he shows his.

I wasn't driving.

Oh, not again.

Got any Windex? His glass eye
needs a clean.

Good one.

♪ AMBIENT MUSIC

Where is that music
coming from?

My iPad.

I thought it might be
relaxing.

We're not here to relax,
we're here to remove a polyp.

If I want to relax I'll take
25 milligrams of diazepam.

- Sorry.
(Music stops)

(Send tone)
- Are you sending emails?

- They are work-related.
- So is the patient.

He'll be out for hours.
When it's a long procedure...

I require silence
while I perform.

Of course. I'm so sorry.

I didn't realise that sending
emails would be so noisy.

Any chance you could put
yourself to sleep

for the next couple of hours?

Oh.

After reversing
down the driveway

at approximately
5km an hour...

Correct.

Did you check for
oncoming traffic?

- I would have.
- Did you?

- Definitely would have.
- I can confirm that.

You said you didn't come out
until you heard the collision.

I can confirm that he would
have, though.

I'd better hotfoot it to work.

I wouldn't hotfoot, obviously.
I'd drive very carefully.

Why do you think you didn't
see Mr Lin's car?

He must have been fanging it.
Came out of nowhere.

Any health issues that might
impair your ability to drive?

What happened to your eye?

He lost it in an accident.

- A car accident?
- Yeah.

No. I say no, she says yes.

I'm a bit country, she's
a little bit rock'n'roll.

- Have you informed VicRoads?
- I would have.

You'll have to sit
a driving test

so we can make sure
you're fit to drive.

- You're joking!
- I'll talk to Mr Lin,

make sure we don't pursue
the dangerous-driving charge.

Thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.

Bye.

He doesn't know what
dangerous driving is!

50,000 people
turn up to Calder Park

to see someone
reverse out of a driveway.

We could sell a few tickets.

What's that supposed to mean?

The bin, the letterbox,
the fence -

you hit something
every time you leave.

Why don't you tell
your new best friend?

'Thank you, Constable Miklis.

We appreciate it,
Constable Miklis.'

He's making me do
a bloody driving test.

Because something's wrong,
Wayne.

I'll tell you what's wrong -
that you're on his side.

I can't believe you're not
behind me on this.

You'd run me over.

Sweetie, you're just not
driving like you used to.

Well, who makes the decision
about the...

- You wanted to see me?
- Thank you.

Yeah. All the way, thanks.

I've been in surgery with her
this morning,

and she is not
St Leonards material.

The woman's a misfit.

I don't want her in my team.
Do you understand?

Dr Denyar?

Sit down, if you can without
rupturing anyone's artery.

I'm an anaesthetist,
not a surgeon,

so I can't
rupture someone's artery.

I would be more likely

to over-administer
anaesthetic.

I'm sure you would.

Sit.

I have some rather
disturbing news.

(Slurps)

The team for this year's
inter-charity golf challenge

has been selected
by the board of governors,

and I'm sorry to tell you

that you have been
selected to play.

Golf! Golf?

It's traditional
in a golf tournament.

You'll be making up the fourth
for St Leonards.

I don't play golf.

I told you the news was
disturbing.

I can't play.

- Tell that to the board.
- I mean, I'm no good.

That doesn't seem to preclude
you from being a doctor.

Without you,
we don't have a foursome.

Without a foursome,
we don't have a team.

Without a team,
we can't beat the Mercy.

- If we don't beat the Mercy?
- I will preclude you

from being a doctor,
at St Leonards, at least.

Wayne Wheeler.
Who would have thunk it?

I'm giving a driving test
to Wayne Wheeler.

I don't want you to feel
intimidated

because you're testing someone

who's made their name
driving at over 500km/h.

Not around here.
Too many bloody schools.

Imagine how many demerit
points you'd get

for doing 500 in a 40 zone.

You are a piece of work.

My mates
are not going to believe this.

Could I just get one more
picture?

That is a beauty.

I'll get you to pull up next
to this space up ahead.

No worries.

And reverse into this space
next, mate.

Really? Seen one reverse park,
seen 'em all, eh, Barry?

You want to open this baby up
on the freeway?

Yeah, good one.

Well, no. I have to see
the reverse park.

Seriously? This is Wayne
Wheeler you're talking to.

I know! I can't believe it.

But I do have to tick
the old box.

No worries.

Don't worry about it.
You drive.

I can't believe he was still
taking photos of you

after he failed you.

(Honks horn)
- Dad!

- Good driving, dickhead.
- Dad, don't! Don't, Dad!

GIRL: Oh, my God!

Open the window.

Drivers like you...

(Girl shrieks)

You should take the wheels off
before you paint it.

- Why?
- Really?

Why?

Don't try and hit it so hard.

Don't try and hit it so hard.
Don't try and hit it so hard.

(Rages)
What am I doing wrong, Danny,

apart from working at that
snooty hospital

with Lord Voldemort?

- Why do I stay there?
- Holidays in Europe.

- Thank you. I'd forgotten.
- Tell him to stick his golf.

It's alright for you,
Mr Underpants,

sitting around all day,
answering to no-one

except the voice in your head
that says,

'Will I have tuna or
zucchini?'

You're right. I can see how
this is all my fault.

I tried to tell him I can't
play and it didn't work.

He's very mean and scary.

- Mm.
- What are you mm-ing for?

- I hate it when you mm me.
- This Widdicombe bloke

might remind you of someone
else who's mean and scary.

Lord Voldemort.
She already said that.

Your father.
Not Wayne, the other one.

I know, and he was not that
mean and scary.

He made Margaret look like...

- Dumbledore?
- There you go.

This has gone to
a whole new level of yuck.

- Widdicombe is my dad?
- You can't stand up to him

because you couldn't stand up
to your father.

You've been watching that
Freud biopic again.

You can pick up so much
in 90 minutes.

That's all very helpful,
Admiral Underpants.

What would be more helpful

is if you could show me how
to hit this bloody ball.

OK. Have you ever seen
one of these?

What's that?

This is going
to change your game.

Loosen the knees.
Look where you're aiming.

- Yeah.
- And...

- (Screams)
- Oh, ow!

- Oscar! Danny!
- You OK?

Poor Oscar. You can read the
word 'Nike' on his coccyx.

I think I saw the swoosh.

It did give me an idea.

Get him to streak
at the Masters,

then hit them up for
sponsorship?

I looked into it
and guess what.

In case of illness or injury,

an immediate family member
can step in.

- Forget it.
- You play golf.

I have golf clubs.
Totally different thing.

PS - you're not ill.

Actually, I think I am. What
are the symptoms of scurvy?

- I think that is gum disease.
- Yeah.

And fever and having a parrot
on your shoulder.

What about this?

And a velcro leg cast
helps scurvy how?

Ow! My sprained ankle
is really hurting.

Your hypochondria has
turned into actual lying.

You're like
a mental-health study.

I'm not playing in that team.

Neither am I.

- My bum hurts.
- So he's out.

KAYNE: OK, everyone,
I'm ready.

You OK, Pop?

Yeah.
Come here, you little terror.

Come with me so I know you're
not getting into any trouble.

OK. Are we ready?

Where's Amber?

Your eye looks really sore,
love.

Looks like it's gotten worse.

It's absolutely perfect,
thanks, Amber.

I'm glad you think it's funny.

When I drive,
I have horn rights.

You want horn rights,
you drive.

Don't disrespect
my horn rights.

Alright, Team Wheeler.

Are those my sheets?
For fuck's sake!

Sheet disappointment
to one side.

Today is a very important day
for Team Wheeler.

Today is the day, right now,

when I announce the
announcement

of a new sponsor of Team
Wheeler

of which the name
I will reveal now.

Is it a public speakers'
bureau?

You're doing fine, sweetie.

Here is the new sponsor,

of which I believe
will get us our second engine

and make Team Wheeler
the number-one,

top fuel-dragster racing team
in Australia.

- Tada!
(Rip!)

Can you just....

Tada!

How about that?

How good is that?

Do you love it?

OSCAR: Nanny Margaret's here!

- Hi, Mum.
- Hello, darling.

- Hello, Danny.
- Mm.

Isn't it nice to see you
in pants?

That smells divine.

Would you like to stay
for dinner, Margaret?

That's very kind, particularly
as I'd already been invited.

BESS: Didn't I tell you?

I can always
warm up a tin of soup.

There is only exactly
enough for four.

- Dad!
- I'm kidding. Set a place.

Nanny Margaret,
would you like to see my bum?

You're not going to squeeze
the cheeks together

and pretend it's talking?

- No!
- Has he done that before?

- I saw it on the internet.
- Look.

- Is that a tick?
- It's a swoosh.

Did the Wheelers give this
child a tattoo?

No, Danny hit him
with a golf ball.

Did you not finish your
homework again?

It was an accident.

Hitting children went out
of fashion about 50 years ago.

About the time everybody
started taking drugs.

That's a connection
I hadn't made.

Mum,
I've got a favour to ask you.

The hospital has an annual
charity golf contest.

Tournament.

I'm obliged to play,
but I can't.

Until today,
I'd never held a golf iron.

- Club.
- But if I'm sick or injured-

- Healthy!
- A member of my family can...

Absolutely not.

Thanks for not dismissing that
straight out of hand.

I'm diabetic. I can't
walk the 18 holes anymore.

Imagine how much food
I'd have to get through

to get around the course.

I'm happy to do you
a degustation.

Besides, I detest golf
with every fibre of my being.

- You used to play with Dad.
- There are several things

I used to do with your father.

It doesn't mean
I enjoyed them.

What things?

Scrabble?

You don't get it, do you, Mum?

- Just get rid of it, Kayne.
- Pole Position. It's perfect.

She's on a pole, plus, you
know - pole position.

I don't think you get it.

We get it, that's how we know
it's shit.

Don't want to drive a car
with a naked woman on it.

- At Team Wheeler...
- She's just a dancer.

Michael Flatley is a dancer

and I've never seen him
on a pole in his underpants.

That's because Irish dancers
can't use their arms.

He'd keep sliding
onto the floor.

This is $75,000
that I'm peeling off.

- Can I have it?
- Hey!

- I collect stickers.
- 75 isn't...

We need twice that much.

- Have you signed anything?
- No.

Good boy.

He's almost killed our
chance to get a second engine.

Kayne will tell them
the deal's off.

No deal.

He's never been involved in
corporate sponsorship before.

He's moved out of his area
of expertise.

Fucking short trip
that would be.

From now on, we'll do
sponsorship deals together.

No way!

No offence, but you are
shithouse at it.

None taken.

Can we agree to leave
financial matters,

including sponsorship,

with the one person who's
trained to deal with it?

Training and natural pizzazz
are two different things.

- What about me?
- Amber is right.

She's in the best position
to talk to people.

She speaks the same language.

A slightly filthier version,
of course.

Fair enough. But over here
if you need public relations.

I've seen how you
relate to the public,

and it ends with you getting
punched in the face.

Hello! Can I remind you that
beggars can't be choosers?

We have a sponsor already
waiting in Pole Position.

Kayne, enough. Go and put some
chicken on the barbie now.

I can do it.
I'm not an invalid.

Your eye's not looking good.

I know how to barbecue
bloody chicken.

Scrape the burned bits off,
it's good as gold.

Be easier cooking it
if I could have seen it.

Be easier eating it
if I couldn't.

Children are starving in
Africa, Amber.

Children are starving here.

Kayne seems to be enjoying it.

I'm going to have to give back
600 Pole Position vouchers.

500, wasn't it? Oh.

Eww! It's raw in the middle.

I think
I brought most of it up.

- Sorry, mate.
- You alright, sweetie?

Why didn't you say you
couldn't see the chicken?

You nearly killed us.

You'd have said no way I can
take the driving test again.

Well, there is no way.
You can't.

If you can't see a piece of
chicken

one foot in front of you,
how can you drive a car?

I don't think
that's one of the tests.

It wasn't
when I went for my licence.

My long vision is fine.

You should have
cooked the chicken

from the neighbour's backyard.

Mum, please stop talking about
chicken!

What have you got there?

Just to clear my eye.

Can I have a look?

Babe, this is Shawn's
from three years ago

when he had conjunctivitis.

- No wonder you're blind.
- I'm not blind.

Half blind. So what?

So what?
I'm not allowed to drive.

I know it hurts, but you're
going to have to suck it up.

- Wayne!
- Oh, Bess.

- Thanks for seeing me.
- Is everything alright?

Yeah, of course.

Is there somewhere
we could talk in private?

This is all very nice.
Top-quality fittings in here.

The couch has
springiness to it.

That's always a sign of luxury
- springiness.

I'm not afraid to spend a few
dollars on the old derriere.

- Is there something wrong?
- No. Oh, you mean this?

You should have seen
the other bloke.

Only joking. I didn't hit
anyone. It's all good.

I'm sorry to hear about
your licence. Julie told me.

She told you?
She shouldn't have.

Just a temporary set-back.
Bit of a mix-up.

The cops have got a problem
with me driving with one eye.

Do you have a problem with
driving?

Good as gold.
Reversing is a bit tricky,

but looking straight on is
fine.

I've got no problem playing
golf, shooting, go-karting.

Go on.

Because of the reversing
issue,

I'd like to talk to you about
getting an eye transplant.

I'm guessing they're
expensive.

I was wondering whether you
knew an eye surgeon

up for a contra deal -

air conditioning
or a pit tour on race day.

There's no such thing
as an eye transplant.

There's a corneal transplant.

That'll do.

But you don't have a cornea.

I thought I saw something
on TV

about an eye transplant
or implant or...

- Cochlear implant?
- That's it.

That's for ears.

Oh! I'd have a cochlear
but not cochleye.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry if Dr Denyar
has failed

to explain hospital procedure,

but this is the doctors'
common room.

- Patients not permitted.
- I'm not a patient.

What concerns me is that
you're not a doctor.

I never had the grades.

Dr Denyar is welcome
to continue your conversation

in the cafeteria.

It's alright, Mr Widdicombe.

'Mister!'
You're not a doctor either.

Wayne is my guest.

This isn't the Qantas lounge.

- You can't bring a guest.
- Of course not.

Otherwise there'd be
that announcement -

'Your family's
holding up the plane.'

That only happened once.

Maybe you should go, Wayne.
I'm due back in theatre.

- I'll pray for the patient.
- That was uncalled for.

You obviously haven't seen her
in surgery.

The line was back there,

and I reckon you hopped
right over it.

I'm calling security.

There's no need.
It's OK, Wayne.

Do you want me
to take this guy out?

No, it's fine.

I've seen his weak spot.
Guys like that - kidneys.

No, Wayne.
Honestly, I don't need you.

Yeah, OK.

No worries. I'll go.

I'll walk you out.

I've taken enough
of your time.

Oh, Wayne. I caught you.
Is that your bike?

No, it's Shawn's.

I thought it would be quicker
than the train.

The train might have
more leg room though.

He had no right to speak to
you like that.

- What about you?
- I know.

I'm pathetic. He's a bully.
I can't stand up to him.

If you could stand up to him,
he wouldn't be a bully.

You weren't afraid of him.

What's the first thing
you need

to understand about bullies?

- They're very mean.
- But also, they're cowards.

Best thing you can do -
show them who's boss.

He is my boss.

Not technically.
The hospital employs us both.

- But he could...
- What?

He's always threatening
to stop me from working here.

Blustering nonsense.

You're right.

I know I'll go back in
and be a scaredy-cat.

Can't you stay here with me
all the time?

I can check my schedule.

Oh!

- What?
- Um...

I had an idea but it's stupid.

You're busy with the family
and the dragster.

Incredibly busy, but is there
something you need?

As you can see for yourself,

I'm perfectly capable
behind the wheel.

- Hey!
- Oh, there they are.

What? Oh!

- Ah, behind us. Is that OK?
- Yeah.

- G'day, Mr Widdicombe.
- What's going on?

Wayne Wheeler. You asked me
to leave the staffroom.

If this is payback, I can
always call security again.

There are cameras here,
you know.

I've sprained my ankle
pretty badly, so...

Can't play. Wayne's going to
fill in for me.

Dr Denyar, only a family
member

can play in the event of
injury.

- We'll be disqualified.
- Wayne's my father.

- She's had the DNA test.
- I don't blame her.

Dr Denyar,
this is deeply unacceptable.

Aside from the rules
of competition,

there is the not-small matter
of this club having standards.

The man is wearing denim
jeans, for God's sake.

WAYNE: Bit of shush!

Who's got spare pants?

No, I don't think we'll bother
with the spare pants.

He can't play in denim.

He can't play at all.
This club's got standards.

I'm sure everyone
would be prepared

to overlook some lesser...

Lesser what?
Lesser standards, is that it?

I am struggling to see how
anyone

can have lesser standards than
you, Mr Widdicombe.

Last time I checked,
standards included

not being a bully.

That's right!
You're a bully and a coward.

You are frightened
of my father

because he strong in here.

Not because of the stupid
pants he's wearing

but because he's a real man
with real standards

that don't belong
on this golf course.

Come on, let's go.

But the tournament!
We'll lose to the Mercy.

Dr Denyar!

Firstly, that was terrific.

Secondly, the golf cart
is that way. Thirdly, the leg.

Oh. Oops. I can't go back past
them. I might vomit.

Mr Wheeler, please!
We need you.

I wouldn't mind having a
crack.

You want to play him after
the way he just treated you?

It's not about him.

Mr Wheeler, I'm sorry.

He's actually begging now.

OK.
Suddenly, this seems like fun.

Mum, wait!

Don't make me
take this stuff back.

- I'm sorry, Kayne.
- It's a really good deal.

They're like us -
a family business.

- Who told you that?
- Carlos, the manager.

He said it was run
by the family.

Right.

What do I say? 'We don't want
your sponsorship

because my mum reckons
it's a crack-house brothel?

- Yeah.
- It's just a men's club.

What was that men's club
Uncle Lloyd was involved with?

The Freemasons.

It's like the Freemasons with
pole dancers.

I know exactly what
this kind of place is like.

I know exactly what goes on
in there.

Oi! Get your hand off the...

- I can play music in surgery?
- Yeah.

I can send emails
whenever I want?

Yep.

And I can talk?

Yes.

No pressure, Wayne.
We're four strokes up.

I can already taste the trophy
on my lips.

Just get the bloody thing in.

One more thing -

you will never humiliate me
or anyone else

at the hospital again.

Yes, yes. Anything.

OK, Wayne, go for it.

Too wide.

Oh!

God!

I can't see.
I'm on the wrong side.

I can't get the angle right.

Oh!

So what? We never would have
got this close to winning

if it wasn't for you.

Who cares if you miss it?
It doesn't matter.

It does.

OK.
You know where the ball is.

You know where the hole is.

- Yep.
- Only got one more chance!

Ssh! It doesn't matter if you
can't keep your eye on it.

You don't need to.

Let me remind you -

if we lose, your life will not
be worth...

- My God, be quiet!
- Right.

You are a disaster!

I can't watch.

You know exactly where you
need to hit it, don't you?

Yep.

- Oh, God!
- You hit him in the bum!

My arse!

I was going for the kidneys.
Bloody eye.

Wayne, again, I'd really like
to apologise about last time.

The boys could not believe it
when I failed you.

- No worries.
- Really? That's great,

because I have to ask you
to reverse park again.

- Yep.
- Just up here, thanks, mate.

- (Sighs)
- Whenever you're ready.

My daughter, the doctor,

she's done some research into
monocular vision - one eye.

Turns out there's some basic
stuff you can get to help.

Where's your camera?