All language subtitles for The Couch trip

Is the sweetheart you married....

the husband
you expected him to be?

Has the war created...

new problems for you
in your marriage?

To answer these
and other personal problems...

John J. Anthony...

founder of the famed
Marital Relations lnstitute...

in a brand-new program
of daily sessions...

of kindly
and helpful advice.

Mr. Anthony, are you ready
for your first case?

Quite ready, George.

The first case
is that of Miss C.A.

All right. Let's go.
Your problem, please? Come in.

Broadcasting's original
program of mediation...

"The Court Of Human Relations."
Broadcasting's original
program of mediation...

"The Court Of Human Relations."

I wonder if we're not
losing sight of the fact...

that the basic reality
of life...

is not machinery
or politics or industry...

or even rockets to the moon,
but human relationships.
is not machinery
or politics or industry...

or even rockets to the moon,
but human relationships.

Tonight, one of the letters
I'll discuss...

is this one
from a man who writes...
Tonight, one of the letters
I'll discuss...

is this one
from a man who writes...

"My second wife
is starting to resent me...

"for all the things
I did with my first wife.

"How can I convince her
that I love her...

"and want us to have
many happy years together?"
"How can I convince her
that I love her...

"and want us to have
many happy years together?"

Please stay tuned.

Possibly you see these
as feminine qualities.

Now, we all have
feminine qualities.
Possibly you see these
as feminine qualities.

Now, we all have
feminine qualities.

We're a part
of male and female.
Now, we all have
feminine qualities.

We're a part
of male and female.

Every man has a tiny vagina...

and every woman
has a tiny penis--

very, very tiny,
but it's there.

We are part of a total whole...

and if we accept this whole
within ourselves...

then we can become
an entire person...
and if we accept this whole
within ourselves...

then we can become
an entire person...

and accept ourselves
and love ourselves...
then we can become
an entire person...

and accept ourselves
and love ourselves...

and become lovable so others
can love us as well.
and accept ourselves
and love ourselves...

and become lovable so others
can love us as well.

Yes, that's right.

-Burns, someone escaped.
-Oh, good.

Goddamn it! How did Lopez
get out on that ledge?
-Burns, someone escaped.
-Oh, good.

Goddamn it! How did Lopez
get out on that ledge?

He stole Watkins' key
and opened the window.

Wait a minute.
How did Lopez get that key?
He stole Watkins' key
and opened the window.

Wait a minute.
How did Lopez get that key?

Was Watkins stoned again?
Wait a minute.
How did Lopez get that key?

Was Watkins stoned again?

Yes, sir.
-All right.

Let's go bring in Lopez,
and you call Chuck...
Yes, sir.
-All right.

Let's go bring in Lopez,
and you call Chuck...

and tell him,
"Turn off this goddamn alarm!"
Let's go bring in Lopez,
and you call Chuck...

and tell him,
"Turn off this goddamn alarm!"

It's driving me nuts!

Hey, where are you going?

I can't concentrate
with alarm bells going off.

I got a friend
out on that ledge...

gonna be thrown into solitary.

That's it. No more messing
around with the inmates.
gonna be thrown into solitary.

That's it. No more messing
around with the inmates.

I'm sticking to the doctors
and the guards.

It won't be as much fun.

I want you to come in here
this instant.

All right. Let's talk.
I'm here for you.
I want you to come in here
this instant.

All right. Let's talk.
I'm here for you.

I'm--I'm here to listen.
All right. Let's talk.
I'm here for you.

I'm--I'm here to listen.

-Up yours, man.
-All right.

What I hear you saying
is "Up mine, man."

Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.

OK. What I hear you saying
is a lot of up mines...
Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.

OK. What I hear you saying
is a lot of up mines...

and that's really good--
listen--
OK. What I hear you saying
is a lot of up mines...

and that's really good--
listen--

because you're starting
to work out some of your anger.

Go ahead, give it to me.
I can take it. I'm your man.
because you're starting
to work out some of your anger.

Go ahead, give it to me.
I can take it. I'm your man.

You're full of shit.
Go ahead, give it to me.
I can take it. I'm your man.

You're full of shit.

-What I hear you saying--
-Hey, I hear me saying it, too!
You're full of shit.

-What I hear you saying--
-Hey, I hear me saying it, too!

Now back the fuck off!
-What I hear you saying--
-Hey, I hear me saying it, too!

Now back the fuck off!

I hear you.

Goddamn it,
I thought I told you...

to beef up
his dose of thorazine.

-I think we did.
Yeah.

I'm your doctor!
Now get the hell off this ledge!

-Burns?
-Burns!

Dr. Baird! What the heck...

are you two guys
doing out here tonight?

Get out of here.

I get it. You're having
a private therapy session.

-Burns, get back now!
-I want to talk to Burns.
I get it. You're having
a private therapy session.

-Burns, get back now!
-I want to talk to Burns.

I don't give a shit
what you want!
-Burns, get back now!
-I want to talk to Burns.

I don't give a shit
what you want!

That's very sensitive of you.

Lawrence? May I speak with you
privately, inside?
That's very sensitive of you.

Lawrence? May I speak with you
privately, inside?

I can handle this.

What makes you think
you're qualified?

This time, he's jumping.

Next time,
he may be pushing others.

-He's a menace to society.
-Only if he falls on somebody.

Remember, I'm the doctor.
You're just an inmate.

Yes, Doctor. Now would you
please close the window?
Remember, I'm the doctor.
You're just an inmate.

Yes, Doctor. Now would you
please close the window?

So, what's the thinking here?

I'm thinking I can fly.
And if not, who gives a shit?

And what about our dreams, man?
The dream of you and me...

playing for the Cubs
in the World Series?
And what about our dreams, man?
The dream of you and me...

playing for the Cubs
in the World Series?

You're pitching. I'm catching.
Bases are jammed in the ninth.

I call for the spitter.

You hork up
an ungodly goober...

fire it up, the bottom
drops out of the pitch.
You hork up
an ungodly goober...

fire it up, the bottom
drops out of the pitch.

Mattingly strikes out!

And when the dust clears, man,
it's you and me...

sitting around
at Hef's in the grotto...

with a bunch of ladies
named Miss February.
sitting around
at Hef's in the grotto...

with a bunch of ladies
named Miss February.

-No way, man.
-And why not?

'Cause even in a dream...

the Cubs can't win
a World Series.

-To hell with it. I'm jumping.
-Wait! Wait!
the Cubs can't win
a World Series.

-To hell with it. I'm jumping.
-Wait! Wait!

Now, here's an aspect
of your death...
-To hell with it. I'm jumping.
-Wait! Wait!

Now, here's an aspect
of your death...

that you may have overlooked.
Now, here's an aspect
of your death...

that you may have overlooked.

You hate Dr. Baird, don't you?

I hate the miserable bastard.

Just think how awful
you could make him feel...
I hate the miserable bastard.

Just think how awful
you could make him feel...

if I can talk you
off this ledge...

and succeed where he failed.

-Get in here.
-Wait a minute.

Now, all those people
down there...

have come here
expecting someone to jump.
Now, all those people
down there...

have come here
expecting someone to jump.

And if nobody does,
they are going to leave here...

with an empty, unsatisfied...

what-is-the-point-of-my-job
kind of feeling.

-Do you know what I mean?
-No, and I don't care.

Well, that's the difference
between you and me.
-Do you know what I mean?
-No, and I don't care.

Well, that's the difference
between you and me.

I do care. And now...
Well, that's the difference
between you and me.

I do care. And now...

diving for the Cicero County
Correctional Mental Facility...

John William Burns, Jr.
diving for the Cicero County
Correctional Mental Facility...

John William Burns, Jr.

Geronimo! Heads up!
John William Burns, Jr.

Geronimo! Heads up!

George?

What?

It's a beautiful day outside.
Don't you want to get up today?

But you've been in bed
for two weeks.

So?

Well, you're a psychiatrist.
Don't you think that's odd?

I brought you some lunch.

George, I really think this is
one of your worst depressions.

Am I alone
in this marriage, Vera?

How many times
do I have to tell you?

I'm not depressed.
I just need space.

What about your radio show
and your patients?

Patients? With their
petty penis problems...
What about your radio show
and your patients?

Patients? With their
petty penis problems...

and their empty
vaginal concerns?
Patients? With their
petty penis problems...

and their empty
vaginal concerns?

Those vampires
are sucking the life out of me!
and their empty
vaginal concerns?

Those vampires
are sucking the life out of me!

All right, I'm going to do
a little shopping.

Can I get you anything?
All right, I'm going to do
a little shopping.

Can I get you anything?

I love you.

I can't deal with that, either.

All right, George.
Time to say good-bye.

Tell me something. When did
you two angels of mercy...

first feel the burning need...
Tell me something. When did
you two angels of mercy...

first feel the burning need...

to assist
the mentally handicapped?

When we found out
we could hit them...

without getting caught.

Hi, Robin. How are you?

-He's all yours.
-I've heard that before.

So, kid, you missed my dive.

It was a classic.
But you'll be able...

to see it
on the eleven o'clock news.
It was a classic.
But you'll be able...

to see it
on the eleven o'clock news.

Please, let me take you
away from all of this.

I think my boss is planning...
Please, let me take you
away from all of this.

I think my boss is planning...

to take you away
from all of this.

Dr. Lawrence Baird's office.

I'm sorry,
Dr. Baird's no longer...

connected with this institution
in any way...

shape, fashion, or form.

He can be reached
at the Betty Ford Clinic.

As a patient.

What am I supposed to say
when they call back?

Tell them the truth.
What am I supposed to say
when they call back?

Tell them the truth.

He's a hopeless case.
He's never getting out.

You embarrassed me.
He's a hopeless case.
He's never getting out.

You embarrassed me.

You embarrassed
the hospital, the staff...

and the entire state
health care system...
You embarrassed
the hospital, the staff...

and the entire state
health care system...

all for a cheap laugh.

It was not cheap.

It won't happen again, 'cause
you know what I got here?

Your record.
It won't happen again, 'cause
you know what I got here?

Your record.

Great. Put on side two.
Let's rock.

Now, that was cheap, sir,
by way of illustrating--
Great. Put on side two.
Let's rock.

Now, that was cheap, sir,
by way of illustrating--

Shut up.

Thrown out of Cornell.
Dumped by the Army.

Sentenced to four years
in Joliet for computer fraud.

I'm a pathetic
human being, sir...
Sentenced to four years
in Joliet for computer fraud.

I'm a pathetic
human being, sir...

a pathological misfit
with delusions of grandeur.

I think Jung said it best,
or perhaps it was from...

"The Anatomy of
Human Destructiveness--"

A little learning
is a dangerous thing.

Do I at least get points
for self-knowledge?
A little learning
is a dangerous thing.

Do I at least get points
for self-knowledge?

What you get, Mr. Smart Ass...

is your transfer
back to prison.

Doesn't take too much
to shut you up, does it?

You're here because
you were able to convince...
Doesn't take too much
to shut you up, does it?

You're here because
you were able to convince...

a bleeding-heart warden
that you were crazy.

I know you're not crazy.

You're just another asshole
looking for a way out.
I know you're not crazy.

You're just another asshole
looking for a way out.

Now, this order
is undated and unsigned...
You're just another asshole
looking for a way out.

Now, this order
is undated and unsigned...

and it stays that way
if you behave.
Now, this order
is undated and unsigned...

and it stays that way
if you behave.

If not,
your ass is back in prison.
and it stays that way
if you behave.

If not,
your ass is back in prison.

Need I say more?

Actually, I think
we can contain this problem.

You're not broadcasting
for a couple of days.
Actually, I think
we can contain this problem.

You're not broadcasting
for a couple of days.

I'll just get the P.R. guys
to start deflecting the flack.

I did not have
a nervous breakdown...

and I did not try
to kill myself.

I'm simply a man who,
under a lot of stress...

took a few too many valium.

-lt was twenty-seven.
-Were you actually counting?

I'm a big fan of yours,
Dr. Maitlin.

My name is Klevin...

and I really think
your radio show is special.
My name is Klevin...

and I really think
your radio show is special.

Thank you.

You saved my life one time.
-Really? I did?

I was living in one of those...

depressing apartments
in North Hollywood.

It was one of those hot
July eighth kind of--

You know what, Klevin?

I really can't cope
with this right now.

I'm under
a tremendous amount of stress.

Get me out of here.

Dr. Rosenberg...

I've got to get out of L.A.

I'm being constantly recognized.
I'm not getting any rest.
I've got to get out of L.A.

I'm being constantly recognized.
I'm not getting any rest.

You're in no shape
to go anywhere.
I'm being constantly recognized.
I'm not getting any rest.

You're in no shape
to go anywhere.

Actually, George has a point.

People find out
he's at a you-know-what...

and tried to commit
you-know-what...

it would be very bad
for business.

Harvey, book me to London.
it would be very bad
for business.

Harvey, book me to London.

Tell everybody that I'm off
on a six-month sabbatical...
Harvey, book me to London.

Tell everybody that I'm off
on a six-month sabbatical...

to do research on my next book.

Do you think you're in any
kind of shape to write a book?

There's no book.
It's just a business lie.
Do you think you're in any
kind of shape to write a book?

There's no book.
It's just a business lie.

What?

Was there something wrong
with the service?
What?

Was there something wrong
with the service?

-Did I offend you in some way?
-What do you want?
Was there something wrong
with the service?

-Did I offend you in some way?
-What do you want?

The gratuity was a bit scarce.
-Did I offend you in some way?
-What do you want?

The gratuity was a bit scarce.

I see. You want more money?

Leeches! This is what you get
for saving somebody's life!

They want more, more--more time,
more money, more love!
Leeches! This is what you get
for saving somebody's life!

They want more, more--more time,
more money, more love!

We'll pay for it.

Is everyone all right
except the waiter?

Maybe it would be a good idea
to get George out of town.
Is everyone all right
except the waiter?

Maybe it would be a good idea
to get George out of town.

-Thank you.
You're welcome.

I need to find a replacement--
-Thank you.
You're welcome.

I need to find a replacement--

someone from
a mediocre medical school.

Someone who can
take over my practice...

without really curing anyone.

Someone who can continue
my radio show...

without helping anyone
and making me look bad.

In other words, a bum.
without helping anyone
and making me look bad.

In other words, a bum.

Right, but make sure
it's an out-of-state bum.

Why?

Why? Because every therapist
in this town...

is insanely jealous of me.

Find me some convention
in London...

so I can write it off.

I just want to go to sleep.

-Fastball.
-Good.

Peace.
-Fastball.
-Good.

Peace.

If you're gonna play
in the Major Leagues...

you've got to learn
what the signals are.

This is important, OK?
Now...

-Spitball.
-Good.
This is important, OK?
Now...

-Spitball.
-Good.

Happy hour.

Look, you're interrupting
the game, all right?

Now get off the field.

Open your mouth.

You know how I enjoy
opening it for you.
Open your mouth.

You know how I enjoy
opening it for you.

Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy.

Watkins, I'm so sorry!
I accidentally did that.

But now I'm dancing on them.
I'm right out of control!
Watkins, I'm so sorry!
I accidentally did that.

But now I'm dancing on them.
I'm right out of control!

Help me.
But now I'm dancing on them.
I'm right out of control!

Help me.

Sunlight comes at daytime

And the moonlight comes
at night

You call my name

And I get a fever
when you hold me tight

You give me fever

Fever
You give me fever

Fever

It's so wrong. He's my husband.

You're his lawyer
and best friend.
It's so wrong. He's my husband.

You're his lawyer
and best friend.

From now on,
just think of me as his lawyer.

What if George's depression
is because he knows about us?

-Did he say anything?
-No.

-Good!
-What are you doing?
-Did he say anything?
-No.

-Good!
-What are you doing?

All I can think about
is having you on my desk.
-Good!
-What are you doing?

All I can think about
is having you on my desk.

-It's so wrong.
-I'm so tired of what's right.

-Are you all right?
-No, we're not all right.

Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
-Are you all right?
-No, we're not all right.

Thank you.
You've been very helpful.

Not at all.

Is that a Chloe or a Montana?

-It's a Gee Kee.
-Outrageous.

This ought to cheer you up.

I think I found
the perfect guy.

-He's in Chicago.
-Good. Who is he?

His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird.
He's chief psychiatrist...

for the Cicero County
Corrections Mental Facility--

a real dump,
which ought to satisfy...

Maitlin's
out-of-state requirements.

-That's good.
-Secondly...

he wrote his doctoral thesis
on Maitlin's theory...

of psychocerebral equilibrium,
so he's in alignment...

with Maitlin's
theoretical approach.
of psychocerebral equilibrium,
so he's in alignment...

with Maitlin's
theoretical approach.

Perfect. Is he too smart?

He graduated from
Florida State University...

with a C-plus average.

The guy's lucky to be working.

The sleeves on this jacket
are awfully long.

I always like to show
a little linen at the cuff.

You're a smart ass...

and you'll always be
a smart ass.

Now your smart ass
is going back to prison.

They won't take me.
Now your smart ass
is going back to prison.

They won't take me.

You convinced them
you were crazy.

You were "eating paint chips
off the windowsills...

"and licking dust
off the tops of radiators."
You were "eating paint chips
off the windowsills...

"and licking dust
off the tops of radiators."

That part was easy.
Then I got really carried away.

You know,
paper clips, plastic forks...
That part was easy.
Then I got really carried away.

You know,
paper clips, plastic forks...

-Kleenex, Naugahyde.
-An epicure! Good!

I think I can arrange
a loaf of bread...
-Kleenex, Naugahyde.
-An epicure! Good!

I think I can arrange
a loaf of bread...

a jug of water,
and thou licking the floor...

of maximum solitary.

I'm impressed. You have
quite a way with words.

One would think you'd be
thought of around here...
I'm impressed. You have
quite a way with words.

One would think you'd be
thought of around here...

as a poet instead of
an ignorant, puffed-up...

smidgen of blowfish shit.

A self-destructive need
to defy authority.

Now that's convincing.
A self-destructive need
to defy authority.

Now that's convincing.

Come to think of it,
Joliet isn't really...
Now that's convincing.

Come to think of it,
Joliet isn't really...

the right environment for you.

You require something
more specialized.

They've got
this endorphin research...

going on
at Stateville Sanitarium.
They've got
this endorphin research...

going on
at Stateville Sanitarium.

Research? That's very exciting!

Plenty of long needles
and heavy sedation.

Trouble is...
Plenty of long needles
and heavy sedation.

Trouble is...

they need maximum-risk
psychopathic patients.

They'll be happy to hear
I found them one.
they need maximum-risk
psychopathic patients.

They'll be happy to hear
I found them one.

Where is he?
I'd love to meet him.
They'll be happy to hear
I found them one.

Where is he?
I'd love to meet him.

A subject
for all those experiments...
Where is he?
I'd love to meet him.

A subject
for all those experiments...

they want to do on you...

for the rest
of your four-year stretch.
they want to do on you...

for the rest
of your four-year stretch.

And with you out of my way...

I can take my vacation
in peace.

Lopez is screaming his head off
in solitary.

Don't go away.
Lopez is screaming his head off
in solitary.

Don't go away.

I'm not quite finished with you.

May I speak to Dr. Baird,
please?

This is Dr. Baird.

I hope you don't mind.
I'm using my speaker phone.

Not at all.
This is Harvey Michaels.

I'm the attorney
for the Greater Los Angeles...

Neuro-Psychiatric Society.

I'm calling on behalf
of Dr. George Maitlin.

Never heard of him.

Didn't you do
your doctoral thesis...

on Maitlin's theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
Didn't you do
your doctoral thesis...

on Maitlin's theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?

Oh, that Maitlin.
How is the old fraud?
on Maitlin's theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?

Oh, that Maitlin.
How is the old fraud?

Dr. Maitlin had to leave
suddenly for Europe...
Oh, that Maitlin.
How is the old fraud?

Dr. Maitlin had to leave
suddenly for Europe...

and he asked me to find
a replacement for him...
Dr. Maitlin had to leave
suddenly for Europe...

and he asked me to find
a replacement for him...

while he was away.

What kind of money
are we talking about here?

Let's just say
that Dr. Maitlin...

has about
the most successful practice...
Let's just say
that Dr. Maitlin...

has about
the most successful practice...

in Southern California.

I don't like
that word "about"...

especially when
we're talking about money.
I don't like
that word "about"...

especially when
we're talking about money.

Could you volunteer
a few numbers?

I'd say Dr. Maitlin
makes in the vicinity of--

give or take a few dollars--
a million a year.
I'd say Dr. Maitlin
makes in the vicinity of--

give or take a few dollars--
a million a year.

Are you there, doctor?
give or take a few dollars--
a million a year.

Are you there, doctor?

I'm here, Harvey,
but I'm coming there.

-Great! When can you start?
-ls tomorrow too late?

I need to get released
from a few things.

He'll be here tomorrow.

Shouldn't we tell him
about the radio show?

I don't want to scare him off.
He's perfect.

Greedy and dumb--
my favorite combination.
I don't want to scare him off.
He's perfect.

Greedy and dumb--
my favorite combination.

Are you there?

We're all set.
We're all set, Doctor.
Are you there?

We're all set.
We're all set, Doctor.

I'm going to leave
a ticket for you...

at Continental--
first class, of course.

Only way to go!
at Continental--
first class, of course.

Only way to go!

It'll be a great pleasure
to meet you.

Just call me Larry.
It'll be a great pleasure
to meet you.

Just call me Larry.

He wants us to call him Larry.

What was that all about?
He wants us to call him Larry.

What was that all about?

My future.
Here, get me out of this.

You must be joking.
-Just for five minutes.

But Baird could be back
any second.

That's why we have to hurry.

Gentlemen, aren't you
supposed to be at your station?

-Lunch.
-Official break.
Gentlemen, aren't you
supposed to be at your station?

-Lunch.
-Official break.

That's a new one.

You're stealing
my ambulance pager.

I'm not. I'm redesigning it.
May I have a hairpin, please?

You're such a crook.

Hurry, please!

You didn't know
I was this good with my hands.

Yes, I did.
You didn't know
I was this good with my hands.

Yes, I did.

Hurry!

Dr. Baird's office.

I love you, baby.

Are you planning to escape?

Let's call it
unauthorized egress.

That's where
your pager comes in.

-And my hairpin.
-Get that so he can't see it.

Even if you made it
out of the building...

how do you expect
to get past the guard gate?

Well, Robin,
that's where you come in.

I was hoping
that you could park your car...
Well, Robin,
that's where you come in.

I was hoping
that you could park your car...

out front with the keys
above the sun visor?

You're crazy.
-Not according to Dr. Baird.

-Any calls?
-It's been very quiet.

Thanks to you
and your little tap dance...

Lopez is now doing
his carrot impression.

You'll be out of here tomorrow.

I sure hope so.

It's all set.

You're excused.

Jack, this is Dr. Baird.

Would you and Phil
please come to my office?

Yes, sir. Right away.

I've been
much too harsh on you...

for these minor infractions.

Come down to my office
immediately.

Baird's off his rocker.

-Security.
-Chuck, Jack Watkins here.

What the hell's
going on down there?
-Security.
-Chuck, Jack Watkins here.

What the hell's
going on down there?

Baird's up with
the goddamn catatonics...

and the alarm bells
are going off.
Baird's up with
the goddamn catatonics...

and the alarm bells
are going off.

I don't get any signal
down here.

-They're all turned off.
-No, they ain't.

They're ringing.
I can hear 'em.

And Baird's having
a hot-dipped shit fit.

-Nobody's flashing.
-Don't tell me goddamn nothing.

Them alarm bells are ringing.
Now get to that main terminal...
-Nobody's flashing.
-Don't tell me goddamn nothing.

Them alarm bells are ringing.
Now get to that main terminal...

and turn off
the main switch right now.

He ain't there.

He gets weirder all the time.

Good evening.

I believe you have
a prepaid ticket for Baird.

B-a-i-r-d? Right?

-Dr. Baird?
Yeah. Doctor. That's me.

I'm that doctor.
That's my ticket.
-Dr. Baird?
Yeah. Doctor. That's me.

I'm that doctor.
That's my ticket.

All set, Dr. Baird.

Your flight will be boarding
at gate seven.
All set, Dr. Baird.

Your flight will be boarding
at gate seven.

Just what the doctor ordered--
this doctor.
Your flight will be boarding
at gate seven.

Just what the doctor ordered--
this doctor.

-Sir?
-No handcuffs.

Can I have your name, please?

Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird.

Dr. Lawrence Baird.
Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird.

Dr. Lawrence Baird.

Can I offer you anything,
Dr. Baird?

A bag of macadamia nuts,
all your available cheeses...

a dozen raspberries
with creme fraiche...

and a double shot
of Black Bush.

-On top of the raspberries?
-I'll take it neat.

-Neat?
-No ice.
-On top of the raspberries?
-I'll take it neat.

-Neat?
-No ice.

Then the filet mignon--rare--
and the duck and the fish.

Blanket, pillow,
eye shades, a pair of...
Then the filet mignon--rare--
and the duck and the fish.

Blanket, pillow,
eye shades, a pair of...

So, the guy turns to the lady,
and he says...

"Lady, you look like
a very nice woman.

"Where are you from?"
She says, "I'm from Queens."

He says, "Queens? I'm from
natural parents myself."
"Where are you from?"
She says, "I'm from Queens."

He says, "Queens? I'm from
natural parents myself."

Speaking of queens,
you are two genuine queens.
He says, "Queens? I'm from
natural parents myself."

Speaking of queens,
you are two genuine queens.

And so are you--just kidding.

Captain, thanks for
letting me sit in your lap.

I felt like an 8-year-old kid.
Really. All right.

Hey! I'm Baird.

I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going?

Hey, you! With the sign!

Luscious one! I'm the man...

you've been waiting for
your whole life.
Luscious one! I'm the man...

you've been waiting for
your whole life.

Aren't you supposed to pick up
Dr. Lawrence Baird?

Yes.
-That's me, Dr. Baird.

I just saw my name
on your sign.

Should I give you
my fingerprint chart?
I just saw my name
on your sign.

Should I give you
my fingerprint chart?

Do I have to call security?

I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.

I was contacted
by Harvey Michaels.

I'm supposed to be filling in
for Dr. George Maitlin.

You're not what
I was expecting.

I'm just dressed a little
hipper than you thought, huh?

What, this look
hasn't hit L.A.?
I'm just dressed a little
hipper than you thought, huh?

What, this look
hasn't hit L.A.?

It's the newest trend--
inner city funk.

I'm Maitlin's associate,
Dr. Rollins.
It's the newest trend--
inner city funk.

I'm Maitlin's associate,
Dr. Rollins.

Did the plane crash?
Am I in heaven?
I'm Maitlin's associate,
Dr. Rollins.

Did the plane crash?
Am I in heaven?

I must be dreaming. Pinch me.
Or better yet, I'll pinch you.
Did the plane crash?
Am I in heaven?

I must be dreaming. Pinch me.
Or better yet, I'll pinch you.

The car's outside...
I must be dreaming. Pinch me.
Or better yet, I'll pinch you.

The car's outside...

so if you'll give me
your claim checks...

I'll have your bags picked up.

No bags. Mugged in Chicago.

Really?

Right in long-term parking
at the airport.

Three guys this big.
One had his arm around my neck.

The other
went through my pockets.

-And what did the third do?
-He encouraged them.

Trees suffer, too...

palm, elm,
oleander, eucalyptus.

You ladies care to save
the eucalypti?

Listen to
the high-frequency sounds...
You ladies care to save
the eucalypti?

Listen to
the high-frequency sounds...

they make
when they're being cut!

I'd like you to meet
Oscar Hendricks.

He's the station manager and
producer of your radio show.

Radio show?
He's the station manager and
producer of your radio show.

Radio show?

Welcome to L.A., Doctor.
Where's your luggage?

Dr. Baird has no luggage.

We can go straight
to the Bel Air.

-Excuse us.
-Doctor?

Sir? You hear that noise?

Those are
ultrahigh frequency sounds...
Sir? You hear that noise?

Those are
ultrahigh frequency sounds...

made by ivy weeping...
Those are
ultrahigh frequency sounds...

made by ivy weeping...

during a cross-pollination
experimentation at U.C. Davis.
made by ivy weeping...

during a cross-pollination
experimentation at U.C. Davis.

Who speaks for horticulture?
during a cross-pollination
experimentation at U.C. Davis.

Who speaks for horticulture?

-Doctor, you certainly--
-Look, ease up on me, pal.

I'm just beginning
to enjoy my jet lag.
-Doctor, you certainly--
-Look, ease up on me, pal.

I'm just beginning
to enjoy my jet lag.

I know you're busy.

Only God can make a tree,
but only you can spare one.

My friend,
I think at this juncture...

I should explain something
to you.
My friend,
I think at this juncture...

I should explain something
to you.

I was born in a lovely
little Midwestern town--

Webster City, lowa.
Maybe you know it.
I was born in a lovely
little Midwestern town--

Webster City, lowa.
Maybe you know it.

Lived on a quiet street,
beautiful little white house.

Outside my bedroom window...
Lived on a quiet street,
beautiful little white house.

Outside my bedroom window...

there was a spectacular,
huge, giant elm tree.

One night,
there was a fierce hailstorm.

That tree was hit by lightning
and fell.

Took out half the house
and killed my puppy Dwayne.
That tree was hit by lightning
and fell.

Took out half the house
and killed my puppy Dwayne.

Ever since then, no plant
has been a friend of mine.
Took out half the house
and killed my puppy Dwayne.

Ever since then, no plant
has been a friend of mine.

Wait a second, Doctor.
Wait a second.

Those pants look familiar.
That stripe down there--

Of course
they look familiar to you...
Those pants look familiar.
That stripe down there--

Of course
they look familiar to you...

if you've got a subscription
to "Gentlemen's Quarterly."

And incidentally, they grind up
twenty-five maples...

for the September issue.

Did you hear that, everybody?
for the September issue.

Did you hear that, everybody?

A doctor who won't help
his little green friends.

Don't you know
that no man is so tall...

as when he stoops
to pet a plant?

I'm sorry.
You'll have to keep moving.

-I'm sorry.
-This is police brutality!
I'm sorry.
You'll have to keep moving.

-I'm sorry.
-This is police brutality!

How does it feel
to be uprooted?
-I'm sorry.
-This is police brutality!

How does it feel
to be uprooted?

Put me down!
How does it feel
to be uprooted?

Put me down!

Let go of me, will you?
Put me down!

Let go of me, will you?

How long have you been
a policeman? Help!

Help! Police brutality!
How long have you been
a policeman? Help!

Help! Police brutality!

Is this really necessary?

All of a sudden, the rich
Beverly Hills doctor cares.

Isn't that touching?
All of a sudden, the rich
Beverly Hills doctor cares.

Isn't that touching?

Do you want to press charges?

You bet I do.
This man's a menace to society.

All right. Come on.

What did you think
about his display...

of negative delusionary
fixations about plant life?

I believe in
the secret life of plants.
of negative delusionary
fixations about plant life?

I believe in
the secret life of plants.

In fact,
I consulted on that book.
I believe in
the secret life of plants.

In fact,
I consulted on that book.

So where are they gonna
take him, anyway?

If he's lucky,
L.A. County Psychiatric.

He's not crazy.
If he's lucky,
L.A. County Psychiatric.

He's not crazy.

That's a pretty speedy
diagnosis, Doctor.

Antisocial behavior
just happens to be...

my professional specialty.

You have lunch with Michaels
at the hotel at 12:00.

That's good, because
there's nothing in here.

Well, I didn't expect
you wanted anything...
That's good, because
there's nothing in here.

Well, I didn't expect
you wanted anything...

at nine o'clock in the morning.
Well, I didn't expect
you wanted anything...

at nine o'clock in the morning.

You forgot.
It's later back east.
at nine o'clock in the morning.

You forgot.
It's later back east.

Well, after lunch--

What's the number at the hotel?

-What?
-What's the number of the hotel?

472-1 21 1!

Turned out to be
just your old gym socks.

Then at 3:30,
you'll be at the radio station!
Turned out to be
just your old gym socks.

Then at 3:30,
you'll be at the radio station!

Is it like a panel show--
me with a bunch other doctors?

It's a call-in show...

Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays.

...vending-machine photo
of you and Sally...

and a partially used box
of Mentor condoms.

My favorite brand.

It made me proud to think
that my son...

is one of those people
who can have his cake...

and eat it, too.
Son, I'm proud of you.

And I'm proud
of your choice of condoms.

Love, Dad.
And I'm proud
of your choice of condoms.

Love, Dad.

This is Dr. Baird.

I'll be checking in shortly,
and I wondered...

if could you send
some things to my room?

Well, how about a case
of Millers, ice cold...

and a pound of Beluga caviar.
Well, how about a case
of Millers, ice cold...

and a pound of Beluga caviar.

Do you think one pound of
caviar will be enough, Doctor?
and a pound of Beluga caviar.

Do you think one pound of
caviar will be enough, Doctor?

Maybe you're right. Make that
two pounds of caviar...

and throw in some cheese puffs.
Maybe you're right. Make that
two pounds of caviar...

and throw in some cheese puffs.

What are those
big white things?

They're swans.
They belong to the hotel.

-Are they dangerous?
-Hardly.

That's right,
and a pair of shoes, size ten.

-10 1/2 "D" wide.
-10 1/2 "D" wide.
That's right,
and a pair of shoes, size ten.

-10 1/2 "D" wide.
-10 1/2 "D" wide.

-Boots.
-Make that boots.

-With corn pads.
-With corn pads.
-Boots.
-Make that boots.

-With corn pads.
-With corn pads.

-And arch supports.
-And arch supports. Thank you.
-With corn pads.
-With corn pads.

-And arch supports.
-And arch supports. Thank you.

You know how I like my shirts?
-And arch supports.
-And arch supports. Thank you.

You know how I like my shirts?

Shirts should match the suits.

You mean a la page.

Exactly.

Excuse me.

Here you go. Thank you.

Why, thank you, sir.

Would you like some caviar?
We've got plenty.

-No, thank you.
-All right.

I thought
they took your wallet.

They did,
but when you live in Chicago...

you always keep
a couple of extra bucks...
They did,
but when you live in Chicago...

you always keep
a couple of extra bucks...

in your hollowed-out heel.

Well, your clothes will be
delivered before lunch.

Thank you, Doctor.
Well, your clothes will be
delivered before lunch.

Thank you, Doctor.

No trouble, Doctor.

Thank you.

-Lawrence.
-Harvey.

My assistant Perry Kovin.
-Lawrence.
-Harvey.

My assistant Perry Kovin.

-How do you do?
-Dr. Baird.

And here's to
a successful practice, Lawrence.

-May I call you Larry?
-Sure.

By the way, Harvey,
how long does this job last?

At least six months.

Six months. That is
a fair chunk of my time.
At least six months.

Six months. That is
a fair chunk of my time.

It could be a little less.
Six months. That is
a fair chunk of my time.

It could be a little less.

Six months
will cost you half a mil.

I'd like 200 thou up-front.
Six months
will cost you half a mil.

I'd like 200 thou up-front.

That's steep.

I'll tell you what.
You go and find...
That's steep.

I'll tell you what.
You go and find...

a psychiatrist
with my qualifications...

who's willing to give up
his practice and come here...

with no guarantees
and no cash up-front.

I'm sure he's out there...

but he probably
doesn't speak English.

Your practice, Larry,
consists of a couple of wards...

of indigent psychotics
and jailbirds.

You don't have
a private practice.
of indigent psychotics
and jailbirds.

You don't have
a private practice.

You work for the county...

and drive a Volare
without a radio.

The best year you ever had,
you made, what, 30,000?
and drive a Volare
without a radio.

The best year you ever had,
you made, what, 30,000?

We're thinking of offering you
in the neighborhood of...
The best year you ever had,
you made, what, 30,000?

We're thinking of offering you
in the neighborhood of...

50,000.

I'm anxious to move out
of that neighborhood.

And frankly, if you could
have gotten somebody else...
I'm anxious to move out
of that neighborhood.

And frankly, if you could
have gotten somebody else...

you would have grabbed them.
But I'm the one you wanted.

And now you don't want me,
so, fine. I'm histoire.

I think we all want
to make this work.
And now you don't want me,
so, fine. I'm histoire.

I think we all want
to make this work.

I'll just have
to call Dr. Maitlin.

After all, it's his money.

You talk to him.

No lunch?

I have a broadcast to do...
maybe.

And you have an important
phone call to make.
I have a broadcast to do...
maybe.

And you have an important
phone call to make.

So, ciao, now.

I have something
to confess to you.

I've done something wrong.

I can't keep it inside anymore.

Did you eat
all of the cucumber sandwiches?

The reason I may or may not
have had a nervous breakdown...

and may have subconsciously
tried to kill myself--
The reason I may or may not
have had a nervous breakdown...

and may have subconsciously
tried to kill myself--

not that I'm saying I did--

is because of the incredible
guilt that I felt...

for the absolutely despicable
act that I have committed.
is because of the incredible
guilt that I felt...

for the absolutely despicable
act that I have committed.

What is it?
for the absolutely despicable
act that I have committed.

What is it?

I had sex
with one of my patients.

Excuse me?

I--I had sex with a patient.

I'm sorry?
I--I had sex with a patient.

I'm sorry?

I had sex with a patient!

You had sex
with one of your patients?
I had sex with a patient!

You had sex
with one of your patients?

Phone call for you, sir.

-What do you want?
-We have to talk.

This isn't a good time.
What is it?

What's a Baird?

Lawrence Baird,
the guy from Chicago...

who's taking over for you.
He's being tough.

He wants 200,000 up-front.

I will not be held up
for $200,000 up-front.

George, darling,
put on your thinking cap.
I will not be held up
for $200,000 up-front.

George, darling,
put on your thinking cap.

You want me to shut down
your practice?

You want your radio patients
tuning to another station?

Now, come on, buddy. Be smart.

Get a receipt.

These are the sales offices.
Hi, Charlie.

I'm back.

Say, what is this guy
Maitlin, anyway--
I'm back.

Say, what is this guy
Maitlin, anyway--

some kind of
a road-company Dr. Ruth?

You'll see.

Welcome. Nice to see you again.

-Now, had a nice lunch?
Yeah, sure.
Welcome. Nice to see you again.

-Now, had a nice lunch?
Yeah, sure.

Let me fill you in
with the details.

The program runs two hours...

and there are
twelve commercial breaks.

Now, if you'll
sit down over here--

Oscar, just a sec.
Excuse me for a second.

Gentlemen, where's my money?

It's being transferred
from Switzerland.

It's just gonna take
a couple of days.

-Forty-eight hours, then?
-Great.

I'm going to need
some walking-around money.

We heard about the mugging.
OK, so I'll send...
I'm going to need
some walking-around money.

We heard about the mugging.
OK, so I'll send...

what, a couple hundred
to the hotel?
We heard about the mugging.
OK, so I'll send...

what, a couple hundred
to the hotel?

I was thinking more like
a couple of thousand.

Just to walk around?
I was thinking more like
a couple of thousand.

Just to walk around?

Gentlemen, when I feel
a lack of support...

something very, very strange
happens to my larynx!
Gentlemen, when I feel
a lack of support...

something very, very strange
happens to my larynx!

And if that happens,
I will not be able to help...

all those troubled people
out there in radioland.

So we'd better arrange--
thank--thank you.
all those troubled people
out there in radioland.

So we'd better arrange--
thank--thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

And now from
the Palm Garden room...
Thank you.
Thank you very much.

And now from
the Palm Garden room...

high atop
the Knickerbocker Hotel...

it's the sound
of the Jack Hilton Orchestra.

The love boat, a good train,
a bad dog, a beautiful girl.
it's the sound
of the Jack Hilton Orchestra.

The love boat, a good train,
a bad dog, a beautiful girl.

Tonight on "MacGyver."
The love boat, a good train,
a bad dog, a beautiful girl.

Tonight on "MacGyver."

Now, what does
all this stuff do?

Now, the most important thing
is the dump button.

You're on a seven-second delay.
Now, the most important thing
is the dump button.

You're on a seven-second delay.

Anyone gets too vulgar
or intimate...

you press the button,
and it cuts them off the air.

These are neat.

They're just
special-effects buttons.

Now, you've got
three commercials to read...
They're just
special-effects buttons.

Now, you've got
three commercials to read...

and they're numbered here,
and they're laid out for you.

When she goes like this...

that means
the commercial break...

and that's when you read
the commercials.

And please,
put this in your ear.

I know you're gonna be
brilliant. I'm so excited!

I wouldn't put it
anywhere else.

You're beautiful, Hendricks.
Don't ever change, babe.

Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"--
You're beautiful, Hendricks.
Don't ever change, babe.

Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"--

the program that invites you...

the radio audience,
to phone in...
the program that invites you...

the radio audience,
to phone in...

and discuss your problems
with qualified psychiatrists.
the radio audience,
to phone in...

and discuss your problems
with qualified psychiatrists.

Today, substituting
for Dr. George Maitlin...

Dr. Lawrence Baird.
Today, substituting
for Dr. George Maitlin...

Dr. Lawrence Baird.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. This is Dr. Baird,
and you're on the air.

We've got our first call today
from Palos Verdes--
Hi. This is Dr. Baird,
and you're on the air.

We've got our first call today
from Palos Verdes--

Scott. Hello, Scott.
You're on the air.
We've got our first call today
from Palos Verdes--

Scott. Hello, Scott.
You're on the air.

I guess Scott's
not quite ready...

to deal with his problem yet,
so we're gonna give him...
I guess Scott's
not quite ready...

to deal with his problem yet,
so we're gonna give him...

a couple of minutes
and he'll collect his thoughts.

Going on to our next call now
from West Covina--

Ida. Hello, lda.
You're on the air.
Going on to our next call now
from West Covina--

Ida. Hello, lda.
You're on the air.

Hello?

Hi there, lda.
What's your problem?

Well, it's not really
a problem, Dr. Baird.

Then why are you calling?
Well, it's not really
a problem, Dr. Baird.

Then why are you calling?

Recently,
I met an old school friend.

Let me ask you something.
How old are you?
Recently,
I met an old school friend.

Let me ask you something.
How old are you?

Fifty-nine.
Anyway, I ran into this man--
Let me ask you something.
How old are you?

Fifty-nine.
Anyway, I ran into this man--

Just a minute.
Fifty-nine.
Anyway, I ran into this man--

Just a minute.

Sweetie, I can't talk now.
I'm on the phone.
Just a minute.

Sweetie, I can't talk now.
I'm on the phone.

What was that there?
Who were you just talking to?
Sweetie, I can't talk now.
I'm on the phone.

What was that there?
Who were you just talking to?

-My daughter.
-OK, got it.

-I got the door closed.
-Good.

And when we met,
he was very happy to see me.

I mean, we hadn't seen
each other in forty years.
And when we met,
he was very happy to see me.

I mean, we hadn't seen
each other in forty years.

And he told me he thought
I was still beautiful...

and he wants
to have lunch with me.
And he told me he thought
I was still beautiful...

and he wants
to have lunch with me.

That's great. Sounds like fun.

I said no, naturally,
of course not.
That's great. Sounds like fun.

I said no, naturally,
of course not.

But after thinking it over,
I mean, it kind of excited me.
I said no, naturally,
of course not.

But after thinking it over,
I mean, it kind of excited me.

You married, lda?
-Very happily, and so is he.
But after thinking it over,
I mean, it kind of excited me.

You married, lda?
-Very happily, and so is he.

It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird.
You married, lda?
-Very happily, and so is he.

It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird.

Nothing like that.
It just makes me feel young...

and I guess a little romantic.
Nothing like that.
It just makes me feel young...

and I guess a little romantic.

Now, what really
goes through your head...

when you think about
having lunch with this man?
Now, what really
goes through your head...

when you think about
having lunch with this man?

Just off the top?

A nice time--
maybe flowers on the table...
Just off the top?

A nice time--
maybe flowers on the table...

glasses of wine.

Now, come on. What are you
really thinking about?

I guess it's
a lot of flattery, too.

Come on.

You're thinking
penis and vagina here, right?
Come on.

You're thinking
penis and vagina here, right?

What?
You're thinking
penis and vagina here, right?

What?

Maybe he throws you on
the table, spills the wine...

knocks over the flowers,
and you do it right there?

-lt would ruin my marriage.
-Right, but what do you care?

Some hot sex in the afternoon.

When was the last time
you had it? It'd be worth it.

Absolutely not.
I love my husband.

I want my marriage.
I was just talking about lunch.

Bullshit! You were not
talking about lunch.

You're talking about hot...

sweaty bodies
in a steaming, humping mass.

Well, l--you see, l--

Look, the point is,
it's OK to fantasize.

But you just have to be aware
that sometimes...

these hidden feelings can
come up out of your psyche...
But you just have to be aware
that sometimes...

these hidden feelings can
come up out of your psyche...

and kick you in the ass
when you least expect it, OK?
these hidden feelings can
come up out of your psyche...

and kick you in the ass
when you least expect it, OK?

Yes, Doctor. Thank you.

We're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird...
Yes, Doctor. Thank you.

We're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird...

and we're going to take a break
for a commercial now.

"A public service message
from the National...

"Hang Gliding Club President's
Memorial Foundation.

"Hang gliding is a fun sport...

"but sometimes
accidents happen.

"lf you have a loved one...

"whose wings may have
folded up in mid-soar...

"The National Hang Gliding
Club President's...
"whose wings may have
folded up in mid-soar...

"The National Hang Gliding
Club President's...

"Memorial Foundation
can help with counseling...
"The National Hang Gliding
Club President's...

"Memorial Foundation
can help with counseling...

"and discounts
on new replacement equipment.

"Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F.
at 1-800-BlG-FALL."
"and discounts
on new replacement equipment.

"Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F.
at 1-800-BlG-FALL."

Everything's going swimmingly.

Good. I'm glad you're happy.

Teensy tadpoles of concern--

you took an awfully long time
with your first caller...

and I think your advice
is a bit too specific.

The references
to penises and vaginas...
and I think your advice
is a bit too specific.

The references
to penises and vaginas...

should be toned down
just a smidge.
The references
to penises and vaginas...

should be toned down
just a smidge.

So I should use
alternative terms like...

dick, wang, purple bulb,
midget fireman's helmet...

Iove sausage, and bearded clam?
dick, wang, purple bulb,
midget fireman's helmet...

Iove sausage, and bearded clam?

I mean, this is a conservative
afternoon drive-time show...

and we try to keep things
on an even-keelish level.
I mean, this is a conservative
afternoon drive-time show...

and we try to keep things
on an even-keelish level.

Now do you know what I mean?
and we try to keep things
on an even-keelish level.

Now do you know what I mean?

I guess so. I'm sorry.

Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.

The phone lines are jammed.
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.

The phone lines are jammed.

Oh Dear. Start writing
our apology to the F.C.C.

So I did it,
and I hate myself for it.
Oh Dear. Start writing
our apology to the F.C.C.

So I did it,
and I hate myself for it.

What is this jerk's name?

I don't want any trouble.

Here's what you do.
I don't want any trouble.

Here's what you do.

Next time that asshole
comes on to you...

you grab the son of a bitch
by the balls...

and give them a good yank.
If that doesn't fix...

his little red pig of a wagon,
you call me...

and I'll come down there
and deal with that fuck.
his little red pig of a wagon,
you call me...

and I'll come down there
and deal with that fuck.

Next call,
Caroline from Topanga.
and I'll come down there
and deal with that fuck.

Next call,
Caroline from Topanga.

-Did Baird just say "fuck"?
-I think so.

You can't say "fuck"
on the radio.
-Did Baird just say "fuck"?
-I think so.

You can't say "fuck"
on the radio.

Apparently Baird can.

He said "balls," "asshole"...

"son of a bitch,"
and finally "fuck."
He said "balls," "asshole"...

"son of a bitch,"
and finally "fuck."

We're OK on "balls."
We're iffy on "son of a bitch."

And even "asshole"
is somewhat...

anatomically
potentially forgivable...
And even "asshole"
is somewhat...

anatomically
potentially forgivable...

But there's
no getting around "fuck."

How many negative calls?

None of them.
They all want to talk to Baird.

Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.

We have Yuri from Encino.
Go ahead, Yuri.

Doctor, I have a problem
satisfying my partners.

-What business are you in?
-I mean the other ones.
Doctor, I have a problem
satisfying my partners.

-What business are you in?
-I mean the other ones.

You mean sexual partners.

I mean, just the mention
of the word "sex," and l--
You mean sexual partners.

I mean, just the mention
of the word "sex," and l--

It sounds to me, sitting here
several miles away...

that you have a case
of premature ejaculation--

and a pretty severe one at that.
The first thing I'd suggest...

is not to feel
too bad about it.

It happens to all men
at some point in their lives.
is not to feel
too bad about it.

It happens to all men
at some point in their lives.

But mine's been going on
twenty-five years.

I can't look at a woman.
I can't even think about sex.

Doctor, it just happened again.

Just calm down now and relax.

Let's try something here.
Think about something...
Just calm down now and relax.

Let's try something here.
Think about something...

that could not possibly
arouse you.
Let's try something here.
Think about something...

that could not possibly
arouse you.

For instance...

fixing the transmission
in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic.

That's what always
works for me.

I like to mentally
put on my overalls...

take my mechanic's palette...
I like to mentally
put on my overalls...

take my mechanic's palette...

slide along the floor
under the drive shaft...

pass the universal joint,
grab the joint on the way by...

and wiggle it back and forth,
check it for play.
pass the universal joint,
grab the joint on the way by...

and wiggle it back and forth,
check it for play.

Then get to the bell housing
and take out your ratchet...

unscrew all the bolts...

and separate the bell housing
from the rest of the apparatus.

And there
you can feel for splines...
and separate the bell housing
from the rest of the apparatus.

And there
you can feel for splines...

and spread the planetary gears.

You are getting
sexually excited...

as I sit here and talk about
transmission repair.

I think you'd better
come down to my office.
as I sit here and talk about
transmission repair.

I think you'd better
come down to my office.

I couldn't afford it, Doctor.

If you need to talk,
just come on down...

and we'll talk.
There's no charge.

Really? What's your address?

I just got into town,
and I'm working...

out of the offices
of Dr. George Maitlin...

in Beverly Hills. Come down
and see me. We'll talk.

No charge whatsoever.
Thank you.

I've got everybody
in my control booth here...

signaling me like crazy
for a commercial.

They've got these funny...

desperate looks
on their faces...

Iike it'd be
the end of the world...

if I don't stop
for some silly announcement.

But your problems
are more important.
if I don't stop
for some silly announcement.

But your problems
are more important.

And if you're like Yuri,
you cannot afford therapy...

come on down and see me
at the offices...

of George Maitlin
in Beverly Hills.

Otherwise,
keep those calls coming...

until they drag me off,
pull the plug...

or everybody in L.A. is cured!

-How was l?
You were fine.

-I wasn't any better than fine?
You were better than fine.

By the way, here's a message...
-I wasn't any better than fine?
You were better than fine.

By the way, here's a message...

from someone who didn't
want to talk on the air.
By the way, here's a message...

from someone who didn't
want to talk on the air.

He's a friend of yours
from this morning...
from someone who didn't
want to talk on the air.

He's a friend of yours
from this morning...

and he knows
where you got your pants.

See? I told you those pants
would be all the rage someday.

Donald Becker. He's
your garden-variety misfit...

in and out of here
every couple of weeks.
Donald Becker. He's
your garden-variety misfit...

in and out of here
every couple of weeks.

He doesn't fit in anywhere--
not in prison...
in and out of here
every couple of weeks.

He doesn't fit in anywhere--
not in prison...

not here, not on the streets.

So, in other words,
society rotates him.

Dr. Smet, you ever
look around this place...

at these patients and think...

there but
for the grace of God, go l?

We're supposed to study
emotions, not have them.

Spoken like a true healer.

Can I have the Becker
release forms, please?

He's gonna be a little groggy.
We had to sedate him.
Can I have the Becker
release forms, please?

He's gonna be a little groggy.
We had to sedate him.

Is this the kind of place
where if anything moves...

you whack it with a thousand
mikes of chlortianazine.

My, didn't we get out...

on the wrong side
of the couch this morning?

Here, sign all five copies.

Dr. Baird
has generously given...
Here, sign all five copies.

Dr. Baird
has generously given...

his personal guarantee
for Donald Becker.

He'll be released
with his usual...

seven-day maintenance
prescription.
He'll be released
with his usual...

seven-day maintenance
prescription.

It'll make it much easier
to handle that way.

Thanks.

I got you into this.
Now I'll get you out.

Here's $50. Have a nice life.
You don't have to thank me.

Wait a minute. Where you going?
Here's $50. Have a nice life.
You don't have to thank me.

Wait a minute. Where you going?

Mr. Becker,
out there is life's highway.

The farthest journey begins
with a single step...

and I want you as far away
from me as possible.
The farthest journey begins
with a single step...

and I want you as far away
from me as possible.

Fifty bucks
isn't gonna buy me off.

What I know
is worth a lot more than that.

What do you know?

Those pants you were wearing.

Prison issue in Texas,
Arkansas, and lllinois.
Those pants you were wearing.

Prison issue in Texas,
Arkansas, and lllinois.

I had a friend
who was buried in them.

I knew it, even though...

the son of a bitch
who sold them to me...

swore they were one of a kind.
the son of a bitch
who sold them to me...

swore they were one of a kind.

I don't know.

There's an air about you--
a certain look.
I don't know.

There's an air about you--
a certain look.

You don't seem like
a doctor to me.

You look like
a malcontent misfit...

who skirted around
society's edges...

and never done shit.
Takes one to know one.

So either you share
the wealth with me...

or you share the cell with me.
So either you share
the wealth with me...

or you share the cell with me.

You know, I could get used
to a place like this.

Could really,
really mellow out.

Before you get too mellow...

give me the rest
of those drugs.

What are you--

That's my--my pills,
my maintenance dose.

Hope they got cable.

I won't be able to watch
regular TV without drugs.

Yes, that's a one-way ticket
to Mexico City.

Let me ask you something.

Is there anything more
expensive than first class?
Let me ask you something.

Is there anything more
expensive than first class?

Too bad.
Is there anything more
expensive than first class?

Too bad.

No, leave the departure open.
Too bad.

No, leave the departure open.

A flight leaves every night
at 10:00?

I'll leave payment
at the front desk. Ciao.
A flight leaves every night
at 10:00?

I'll leave payment
at the front desk. Ciao.

What's all this stuff about?

You ever heard
of the Klephthes?

-What?
-They were my ancestors.
You ever heard
of the Klephthes?

-What?
-They were my ancestors.

That hardy band
of Greek patriots...

who held the hills
during the Turkish conquest.
That hardy band
of Greek patriots...

who held the hills
during the Turkish conquest.

They were known
as the Klephthes...

hence, kleptomaniacs.
They were known
as the Klephthes...

hence, kleptomaniacs.

Their revenge was
taking everything in sight.

You know, my ancestors
were Toro Fecundians.
Their revenge was
taking everything in sight.

You know, my ancestors
were Toro Fecundians.

They had the ability
to smell bullshit a mile away.
You know, my ancestors
were Toro Fecundians.

They had the ability
to smell bullshit a mile away.

Why do I have to come with you?
I could be so happy here.

"A," because
you're in my custody...
Why do I have to come with you?
I could be so happy here.

"A," because
you're in my custody...

"B," I don't trust you,
and "C," the maids refuse...

to clean the room
with you in it.

Are you sure
that this is your office?

-ls that him?
-What's going on here, Officer?

Some shrink named Baird offered
free therapy on the radio...

and all these people showed up.

This is a bad dream,
and you're late for Mrs. Guber.

And what is he doing here?

I'm here because I'm
desperately in love with you.

I have been from the moment
we met at the airport.

I could tell I aroused
an emotion in you.

I knew it was only disgust,
but I can build on that.

-Becker.
-Will you marry me?
I knew it was only disgust,
but I can build on that.

-Becker.
-Will you marry me?

Cease and desist.
Give me five minutes.

Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid...

we're going to have
to reschedule today.

Reschedule? Doctor, please.
we're going to have
to reschedule today.

Reschedule? Doctor, please.

This can't wait.
I need your help now!

I'm having a power struggle
with my maid...

and she's winning.
I'm having a power struggle
with my maid...

and she's winning.

-Any ideas, Dr. Rollins?
You're the idea man.

Doctor,
forget about those freebies.
-Any ideas, Dr. Rollins?
You're the idea man.

Doctor,
forget about those freebies.

What about me and Maria?

We want Baird!

History teaches us,
among other things...

that most power struggles are
based on money and/or religion.
History teaches us,
among other things...

that most power struggles are
based on money and/or religion.

Now, did you have
any religious differences...

with your maid?
Now, did you have
any religious differences...

with your maid?

-We ironed those out years ago.
-Anybody have a pen?

Thank you.

Your five minutes are up.
What are you going to do?

I know what I'd do
if I were in Chicago.
Your five minutes are up.
What are you going to do?

I know what I'd do
if I were in Chicago.

What's that?

I'd take them all
to a ball game.

Thank you very much,
patients...
I'd take them all
to a ball game.

Thank you very much,
patients...

for coming to
our free therapy session today.
Thank you very much,
patients...

for coming to
our free therapy session today.

As announced on the radio,
all therapy and treatment...

today is absolutely free.

The buses
have been categorized...

as to particular condition
and ailment.

All sexual malfunctions
and dysfunctions...
as to particular condition
and ailment.

All sexual malfunctions
and dysfunctions...

on bus number one. Penis envy?

Come on, now. Penis envy?

Girls, come on. We're
all in this together. Come on.

Penis envy? On board, please.
Thank you very much.

Premature ejaculators
and non-ejaculators.
Penis envy? On board, please.
Thank you very much.

Premature ejaculators
and non-ejaculators.

Now, come on, now.
Premature and non-ejaculators.
Premature ejaculators
and non-ejaculators.

Now, come on, now.
Premature and non-ejaculators.

Premature ejaculators,
non-ejaculators...
Now, come on, now.
Premature and non-ejaculators.

Premature ejaculators,
non-ejaculators...

and retrograde ejaculators
on board, please.

Nymphomaniacs.
Don't let me out of your sight.

Nymphomaniacs,
please come with me.
Nymphomaniacs.
Don't let me out of your sight.

Nymphomaniacs,
please come with me.

Thank you very much.
Bus number five...
Nymphomaniacs,
please come with me.

Thank you very much.
Bus number five...

all other forms of
obsessive-compulsive behavior.

And bus number six,
schizophrenics.

Actually, schizophrenics...
And bus number six,
schizophrenics.

Actually, schizophrenics...

you get to choose
between one and six...

and bus number six,
all others, please.
you get to choose
between one and six...

and bus number six,
all others, please.

All right, Doctor.
We're all set.
and bus number six,
all others, please.

All right, Doctor.
We're all set.

We're playing New York
at one o'clock.
All right, Doctor.
We're all set.

We're playing New York
at one o'clock.

I got you
280 bleacher section seats...

and the buses are prepaid...
I got you
280 bleacher section seats...

and the buses are prepaid...

and here's the microphone
you asked for.
and the buses are prepaid...

and here's the microphone
you asked for.

Great job.
Why don't you join us?

No, thank you.
Great job.
Why don't you join us?

No, thank you.

Come on. I got a section
reserved here on the special...

just for people who have
a compulsive need to brown-nose.

Brown-nose!
just for people who have
a compulsive need to brown-nose.

Brown-nose!

Relax.
Take a load off those knees.

All abo-o-o-oard!

Guy goes to a shrink.

Says, "Last night,
I dreamt I was a wigwam.
Guy goes to a shrink.

Says, "Last night,
I dreamt I was a wigwam.

"Night before,
I dreamt I was a tepee.

"What's it all mean?"
Shrink says...

"It's very simple.
It means you're two tents."

Get it? Tense!

You're a beautiful audience--
absolutely fantastic.
Get it? Tense!

You're a beautiful audience--
absolutely fantastic.

He's brilliant, or he's a fool.
One or the other.

We'll try to work through
your problems here today...
He's brilliant, or he's a fool.
One or the other.

We'll try to work through
your problems here today...

and see what we can do,
see if we can help each other.

Who's first?
and see what we can do,
see if we can help each other.

Who's first?

Here's a lady. All right.
Where are you from?

Susan, from Hollywood.

From Hollywood.
What's your dream?

I dreamed recently that
I was crossing Afghanistan...

wearing nothing but high heels.
I dreamed recently that
I was crossing Afghanistan...

wearing nothing but high heels.

And you were embarrassed?
wearing nothing but high heels.

And you were embarrassed?

The Russians and tanks
went right by me...

and the Afghan rebels
ignored me.

But when I got
to the Pakistani border...

there was
a giant shopping mall...

called the Karachi Galleria.

But the parking lot
was empty...
called the Karachi Galleria.

But the parking lot
was empty...

except for millions of lizards
wearing dark glasses...

and one of them
looked like Barbara Walters.

They were eating
tiny, little Haagen-Dazs...

ice cream cones being served...

by a guy
I went to high school with.

I went inside the mall
to the food fair...

where the smell
of caramel popcorn...
I went inside the mall
to the food fair...

where the smell
of caramel popcorn...

and cleaning fluid
so overwhelmed me...

that I noticed my nakedness...

Speaking of nuts,
I'm Donald Becker.
that I noticed my nakedness...

Speaking of nuts,
I'm Donald Becker.

I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.
Speaking of nuts,
I'm Donald Becker.

I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.

You a shrink?
I don't care much for shrinks.
I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.

You a shrink?
I don't care much for shrinks.

All that honesty and openness
and truth-telling gets so icky.
You a shrink?
I don't care much for shrinks.

All that honesty and openness
and truth-telling gets so icky.

Sometimes the truth is icky.

I'm Dan Peterson,
head of promotion.

This is a wonderful thing
you're doing here.

Thanks for giving us the seats.

If there's anything else
I can get for you...
Thanks for giving us the seats.

If there's anything else
I can get for you...

please, don't hesitate to ask.

There is one thing...

that I've always wanted
to do at a ball game...

but--no. Forget it.

Your wish is our command.
-I can't.
but--no. Forget it.

Your wish is our command.
-I can't.

-Sure you can.
-I can?
Your wish is our command.
-I can't.

-Sure you can.
-I can?

The bombs bursting in air

Gave us proof through the night
The bombs bursting in air

Gave us proof through the night

He's been in town
less than thirty-six hours...
Gave us proof through the night

He's been in town
less than thirty-six hours...

and he's at a ball game
singing the national anthem.

This guy could be
a goddamn TV star.
and he's at a ball game
singing the national anthem.

This guy could be
a goddamn TV star.

What does a syndicated
shrink show mean to you...

executive producer Perry Kovin?
What does a syndicated
shrink show mean to you...

executive producer Perry Kovin?

And the home of the brave
executive producer Perry Kovin?

And the home of the brave

Over here, in the left-field
bleachers, are my patients.

Please give them
a warm L.A. welcome.
Over here, in the left-field
bleachers, are my patients.

Please give them
a warm L.A. welcome.

Thank you.

-Hot dog?
-Thank you, Doctor.

-Hot dog?
-I hate hot dogs.

-Getting cured?
-Not yet, but I'm gonna get it.

All right. On that note,
I think I'll just continue...

with my therapeutic ministry.
All right. On that note,
I think I'll just continue...

with my therapeutic ministry.

Unblock your emotions!
Have a red hot!

Anorexics, come on.
Don't be afraid!
Unblock your emotions!
Have a red hot!

Anorexics, come on.
Don't be afraid!

Have two or three!
It's all right!

How are you doing? Very good.
Enjoying the game?

What other sports do you like?

Fabulous, wasn't it?

Sigmund was the first
to deal with mass hysteria.

I am the first to deal
with mass transit.
Sigmund was the first
to deal with mass hysteria.

I am the first to deal
with mass transit.

You are the strangest shrink
I've ever met...

and this is the strangest date
I've ever been on.
You are the strangest shrink
I've ever met...

and this is the strangest date
I've ever been on.

Good afternoon. It's 4:00,
tea time in England...

and therapy time
here in the Southland.
Good afternoon. It's 4:00,
tea time in England...

and therapy time
here in the Southland.

I am Dr. Lawrence Baird...
and therapy time
here in the Southland.

I am Dr. Lawrence Baird...

When was the last time
you saw ratings...

go up like this in two days?

He's got something, doesn't he?

He cares. That's the secret.
It's in his voice.

You know what that's worth
to an advertiser?
He cares. That's the secret.
It's in his voice.

You know what that's worth
to an advertiser?

Absolutely.

If anyone wants a doughnut
without jelly, they're ready.

...and recording them
in a diary...

to analyze
what each drill hit feels like.
...and recording them
in a diary...

to analyze
what each drill hit feels like.

All right. This is
a very, very abnormal problem...
to analyze
what each drill hit feels like.

All right. This is
a very, very abnormal problem...

and certainly the first
we've had on the show.

I think that immediately
you should seek...
and certainly the first
we've had on the show.

I think that immediately
you should seek...

professional help
and counseling...

because using an electric
drill on the human skull...

is something that,
well, we really shouldn't do.
because using an electric
drill on the human skull...

is something that,
well, we really shouldn't do.

Next call.
From Torrance, California...

we have Lucille on the line.

You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.

What can I do? My husband,
he's the worst slob.

Anything I cook,
no matter what it is...

the first thing he says is,
"Do we eat it...

"or did we eat it?"
the first thing he says is,
"Do we eat it...

"or did we eat it?"

-Then what does he do?
-Then what what?

-What does he do?
-He laughs.

-He laughs?
-He learned it in the army.

"Do we eat it,
or did we eat it?"

I'm ready to bury an ax
in his head, Doctor...

and I'm thinking
of buying a gun.

I have rat poison
in the house already.

I know how you feel, Lucille.

I can't take it anymore.
I'm not going to be happy...
I know how you feel, Lucille.

I can't take it anymore.
I'm not going to be happy...

until I see them
taking him out in a body bag.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm not going to be happy...

until I see them
taking him out in a body bag.

I mean, I want the guy dead.

In these circumstances...

I think you have to start
by centering yourself.

I'm not going to center myself.

Why do I always have
to center myself?

You got to calm down.
You got any T.M. experience?

Let him center himself
right in the cemetery.

Just start by--
close your eyes--

Hey, lady, zip it up!
Just start by--
close your eyes--

Hey, lady, zip it up!

Now, look at your problem
this way.

If you knock this guy off...

how long is your happiness
going to last?
If you knock this guy off...

how long is your happiness
going to last?

I mean, is this no-good slob
worth going to jail for?

So what should I do?

For openers,
I'd say stop cooking for him.

Does it ever stop raining
in London?

Rain! Rain! Rain!
It's so depressing.

-What was her name?
-Whose name?
Rain! Rain! Rain!
It's so depressing.

-What was her name?
-Whose name?

Here you are, Dr. Baird.

The information packet
for your convention...

all the events of the 3 days.
I'll show you to your room.

How many times
do I have to tell you...

she was a patient!
If I told you her name...

I'd be breaking the psychiatric
code of confidentiality.

Don't throw codes at me.
You've committed adultery...

and you had sex with a patient.
Now what was her goddamn name?

Is there no end
to this madness?

I can't tell you!

I always feel more
comfortable...

if I can actually
see my luggage.
I always feel more
comfortable...

if I can actually
see my luggage.

Don't worry, sir.
Everything's taken care of.
if I can actually
see my luggage.

Don't worry, sir.
Everything's taken care of.

I'm sure.

Give me her first name.

Then give me the first
initial of her first name.

This is so immature.

Then give me one letter
in her first name.

Aren't I entitled to that?

"E." Now drop it.

"E." "E" doesn't tell me
anything. I need a consonant.

Have you no sense of privacy?

Christ! You have sex
with a patient...

and you talk about privacy?

Am I supposed to tip you,
or is that--

That's entirely up to you, sir.
Am I supposed to tip you,
or is that--

That's entirely up to you, sir.

This is worth
how much in American?
That's entirely up to you, sir.

This is worth
how much in American?

That's about $1.50, sir.

I'll have to work this out.

-What?
-I've had an affair, too.

That is so sad.

I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm trained...

to see through
these ego defenses.

You're hurt,
and you're striking back.
to see through
these ego defenses.

You're hurt,
and you're striking back.

It's all right. I understand.
You're hurt,
and you're striking back.

It's all right. I understand.

Look at me.
It's all right. I understand.

Look at me.

I've had an affair
for the last year and a half.

-Who is he?
-I can't tell you.

-Why?
-He's a friend of yours.

No friend of mine
would ever sleep with you...

because, if he did,
I would kill him.

Now tell me you're lying.

I'm lying.

Maitlin? Who's Maitlin?
Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum.

Already you're wiping him
off the ratings charts.

-I like your loyalty.
-Maitlin's history.
Already you're wiping him
off the ratings charts.

-I like your loyalty.
-Maitlin's history.

-Histoire.
You're hot, Larry.

So, what do you think
of a self-help video series?

-A doctor diet book.
-Please, shut your toilet.

Although he's got a point.
A shrink's diet book. Why not?

I got the title:
"Shrink Along With the Shrink."

Sensational!

Hardcover's very prestigious,
but the real profit's in paper.

You might want to--
the rose on that...
Hardcover's very prestigious,
but the real profit's in paper.

You might want to--
the rose on that...

I don't think it's edible.

What did I tell you?
Has he got a mind?

We don't want to stop there.

That thing you did on the buses
was just the beginning.

Buses seat
eighty-four people...

even if you rip out
the toilets...
Buses seat
eighty-four people...

even if you rip out
the toilets...

but ocean liners--
ocean liners hold thousands!

I figure you get the QE ll...
but ocean liners--
ocean liners hold thousands!

I figure you get the QE ll...

you paint a happy face
on the back...

950 a pop.
What could be so terrible?

-I can see millions.
-I'll settle for my 200,000.

Cookie money. Cookie money!

So call me Famous Amos.

Campari and soda.

Now, tomorrow night...

Maitlin's getting
the G.L.A.N.S. award...
Now, tomorrow night...

Maitlin's getting
the G.L.A.N.S. award...

and I want you
to accept it for him.

Now, don't worry. Before
you step up on the dais...

the money's
gonna be in your hand.

And afterwards...

I'm the toughest negotiator
in the west.

Ask anybody. Nobody fucks
with Harvey Michaels.

Excuse me,
I promised the staff...

I'd help with the dishes
and take out the garbage.

Then I have to make
a phone call.

Do you know my friend
had shoulder pad implants?

-ls that the ultimate?
You're kidding?
Do you know my friend
had shoulder pad implants?

-ls that the ultimate?
You're kidding?

Dr. Glassman
did my uppers and lowers.

-lsn't it great?
-Wonderful!
Dr. Glassman
did my uppers and lowers.

-lsn't it great?
-Wonderful!

I spent the entire weekend...
-lsn't it great?
-Wonderful!

I spent the entire weekend...

being pounded on
by Madame Wanda.

I highly recommend it.

I had my initials
carved into my leg.

Who did it?
I had my initials
carved into my leg.

Who did it?

I did it myself.

-It's nice.
-Fascinating.

Hef, nice to see you...
-It's nice.
-Fascinating.

Hef, nice to see you...

in somebody else's jacuzzi
for a change.

Good. I want
to sit down with you...

and carve out
some long-range objectives.

I'd never let you work for me.
You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody.

And he's got integrity.

Why wouldn't l
just love this man?

You know I do. I love you.
I do. I love you.

I love this man!

-He does. He does love you.
-Good.

And I'm not embarrassed
to say it. Here.

Keys to the Maserati.
It's parked outside.
And I'm not embarrassed
to say it. Here.

Keys to the Maserati.
It's parked outside.

It's got a cellular phone,
everything.

These are the keys
to the motor sailor.

Now take them, use them.
They're yours.

You've been working too hard.

You know why I'm lending you
the car and the yacht?

Because I believe in you.
I believe in you.

I believe that you do!

Great!
Have a contract drawn up.

-Contract?
-Now, don't worry.
Great!
Have a contract drawn up.

-Contract?
-Now, don't worry.

It's only for seven years.

And remember,
a contract's like a marriage.

You're unhappy,
it's not working out...

What do we do?

You know what they say, boys.

It's unlucky to look upon
the bride before the wedding...

so I'll catch you guys
at the altar.

At the altar.
so I'll catch you guys
at the altar.

At the altar.

How about it, girls?

Want a demonstration
of Archimedes' principle?

What did he say?

You know, I had fun tonight.

I finally found
a place I fit in...

as well as I do the nut house--

Beverly Hills.

What's wrong?

I have this rumbling
in my gut...

and these terrible chest pains.

You ate too much.

It's not gas. It's trust.

I'm not used
to trusting anyone.

It doesn't feel right.
I'm not used
to trusting anyone.

It doesn't feel right.

I had one of the hottest...

Church of the Gethsemane
franchises in Texas.

It netted about 1,100 a month
in donations...

pamphlets, baptisms...
It netted about 1,100 a month
in donations...

pamphlets, baptisms...

and then she walked in.

You're sitting on my covers.

Long red hair,
short red dress, Nadine.

She said she played the organ,
and she sure played mine.
Long red hair,
short red dress, Nadine.

She said she played the organ,
and she sure played mine.

I trusted her,
did everything she told me...

including
burning down my church...

and running off with her
and the insurance money.
including
burning down my church...

and running off with her
and the insurance money.

Then I woke up alone
on a vibrating bed.
and running off with her
and the insurance money.

Then I woke up alone
on a vibrating bed.

Nadine was gone for good.
Then I woke up alone
on a vibrating bed.

Nadine was gone for good.

But she did leave me
a couple of quarters...
Nadine was gone for good.

But she did leave me
a couple of quarters...

to keep the bed going.

That's what I got
for trusting her...

over my own selfish instincts.

Always a mistake.

You see,
that's what I like about you.

You talk straight.

It's hard not to trust you.

You'll learn.
It's hard not to trust you.

You'll learn.

And what do we do when
your refrigerator repairman...

suddenly cancels
an appointment?

And when your daughter
borrows your new clothes?

And when your doctor refuses
to validate for parking?

The snarl is good, a little bit
more protestation...

and we'll tack a woof on there,
so what you'd have would be...

-Work on it.
-Thank you, Doctor.

And I'll be looking forward
to our next session.

I will, too.

Neo-Pavlovian
rackoff technique...

for immediate stress relief.

I'm Dr. George Maitlin
from Los Angeles.

Are you registered?

I saw your sign.
I thought I'd drop by.

I'll gladly pay
whatever fee is...

The Paleo-Jungian luncheon
is £10.
I'll gladly pay
whatever fee is...

The Paleo-Jungian luncheon
is £10.

The entire conference
carries a fee of £500...

which includes
the various lectures...

and the concept exchange
period.

I'll take lunch.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
I'll take lunch.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

So, we're two Yanks abroad.

I saw you and your wife...

playing a word game
in the elevator.
I saw you and your wife...

playing a word game
in the elevator.

Where's your practice?

L.A.

Mine's in Chicago.

You're here
just for the conference?

I'm here on sabbatical.

I'm...doing research
on a...new book.

I'm just here...

to get out of the grind
of Chicago for a while.

Are you familiar with Chicago?

I'm telling you,
Cicero County Hospital...

has got to be the most
depressing hospital...

in the history of medicine.
has got to be the most
depressing hospital...

in the history of medicine.

Did you say
"Cicero County Hospital"?

Are you familiar
with Dr. Baird?

That's me. Lawrence Baird.
Glad to meet you.

-What do you mean, "That's me"?
-Dr. Baird. Cicero County.

You're not Dr. Baird.
-What do you mean, "That's me"?
-Dr. Baird. Cicero County.

You're not Dr. Baird.

Dr. Baird's
in my office in L.A.
You're not Dr. Baird.

Dr. Baird's
in my office in L.A.

Excuse me. I think
I ought to know who I am...

better than you do.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
Excuse me. I think
I ought to know who I am...

better than you do.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.

What are you doing here?

Just what you're doing.
Eating lunch.

Well, what about my $200,000?

Here's your parking pass
for the big dinner tonight...

and your tux has been
delivered to the hotel.

Watch the phones for me?

Can I interest you
in some lunch?

I can't have lunch.
But you can take me to dinner.

I'd love to, but
I've got this thing tonight.
I can't have lunch.
But you can take me to dinner.

I'd love to, but
I've got this thing tonight.

Me, too. Why don't you
pick me up at 6:00?
I'd love to, but
I've got this thing tonight.

Me, too. Why don't you
pick me up at 6:00?

Sure. I can pick you up,
but then, like, after...
Me, too. Why don't you
pick me up at 6:00?

Sure. I can pick you up,
but then, like, after...

I don't think
I'm going straight home...

after the evening's over, so...

Well, maybe I can
talk you into it.

1425 North Orange Grove Avenue.
6:00?

I'll see you there.
1425 North Orange Grove Avenue.
6:00?

I'll see you there.

-ls this a joke?
-Just wait.

They're ringing my office
in Beverly Hills.

If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers,
you've got a problem.

I'm so glad you're here.

Listen,
I'm tired of this charade.

Yes? Hello? Dr. Baird's office?
Listen,
I'm tired of this charade.

Yes? Hello? Dr. Baird's office?

I have to tell you who it is.

Is Dr. Baird in?
I have to tell you who it is.

Is Dr. Baird in?

I'm going to kill Michaels!

When did you find out?

-Just now!
-Who told you?
When did you find out?

-Just now!
-Who told you?

Who cares?
Some doctor from Chicago.

He's telling everybody!

I thought I was
the only one who knew!

You knew? How?

-I mean, I was there.
-Where?

Do I have to give you
all the sordid details?

You can tell
Dr. Lawrence Baird...

that Dr. Lawrence Baird called!

I deserve it.

Mostly in hotel rooms,
twice at his house...
I deserve it.

Mostly in hotel rooms,
twice at his house...

and once--I can't believe
I'm telling you this--
Mostly in hotel rooms,
twice at his house...

and once--I can't believe
I'm telling you this--

on his desk.

What, for Christ's sakes,
are you talking about?

Michaels. He's the one I've
been having the affair with.

You've been having an affair
with Harvey Michaels?

Isn't that what
you were talking about?

They say
I'm doing my radio show.

Thanks for watching the phones.
Any calls?

This what you looking for, Doc?

Your one-way ticket
to Mexico City?

That was just--

What happened
to partners in crime?

Honor among thieves?

You don't want to skip
south of the border with me?

Maybe I don't want
to team up...

with an asshole
with one bad hand.

-Do you want me to pay?
-Pay him! Pay him!

-We can settle it.
-Give him the money!

Come on, come on,
we're gonna miss the plane!

You're not dressed yet?
We're going to be late.

They'll wait for you, Doctor.
You're not dressed yet?
We're going to be late.

They'll wait for you, Doctor.

I guess so.
I'm the prime attraction.

Have you seen Becker?
He disappeared on me.

Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.
Have you seen Becker?
He disappeared on me.

Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.

What is it now
with this "Doctor"?
Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.

What is it now
with this "Doctor"?

You are a real doctor,
aren't you?

Dr. Lawrence Baird?

Who told you?

The real Dr. Baird. He called.

Don't worry.

I didn't give you away.
I covered your ass.

Why?

Because I once thought
it was cute.

The customs people treated you
with such respect...

and they went through my bag...
The customs people treated you
with such respect...

and they went through my bag...

Iike I was some kind of
a drug dealer, you know?

First stop, Beverly Hills.
465 North Bedford Drive...

then the Riviera Country Club.

Nice rental. Where's Harvey...

and my box
of green dead presidents?

They're waiting to be exhumed
in the game room.

Is he here?

I thought he was
at some kind of banquet.

Would you stop following me?
I told you to stay in the cab.

Driving me crazy.
Would you calm down...

and act like the doctor
you claim to be?
Driving me crazy.
Would you calm down...

and act like the doctor
you claim to be?

At least the police
could identify him--

I've been telling you
for fourteen hours...

shut the fuck up
about the cops!
I've been telling you
for fourteen hours...

shut the fuck up
about the cops!

I'm the one
who's been violated!

What about my reputation?

Your reputation
isn't worth ten cents.

My reputation's
a million-dollar industry!

It'll go right down the toilet
if the public finds out...

some fraud's been doing
my radio show.

We got to keep things quiet...
some fraud's been doing
my radio show.

We got to keep things quiet...

and I've got to get
my $200,000 back.

I'm calling the cops!
911--it's the same everywhere.
and I've got to get
my $200,000 back.

I'm calling the cops!
911--it's the same everywhere.

Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't
traveled five thousand miles...

to have you fuck up my revenge.
Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't
traveled five thousand miles...

to have you fuck up my revenge.

Grab your balls
for the last time.

Help!

I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office!

Here's your money
and here's your contract.

Just think of it
as your blood test.

I never get married
on an empty stomach.
Just think of it
as your blood test.

I never get married
on an empty stomach.

Let me bark down some steamed
puffed chicken rolls...

some boiled peas,
I'll speed-read this...

and get back to you
with some addendums.

Fair enough. By the way,
I want you to know...

I didn't even take out
the money I advanced you.

-Now, you know why?
-Because it's not your money.

This is a serious breach
of professional ethics!

Are you there?
Are you there, you rat?

Help! Anybody, help!
Are you there?
Are you there, you rat?

Help! Anybody, help!

Please help me!
Help! Anybody, help!

Please help me!

It's about time.

Who are you, and what are you
doing in Dr. Baird's closet?
It's about time.

Who are you, and what are you
doing in Dr. Baird's closet?

-I'm Dr. Baird.
-Sure, you are.
Who are you, and what are you
doing in Dr. Baird's closet?

-I'm Dr. Baird.
-Sure, you are.

That's how come
you're locked in his closet.

-I'm calling the cops.
-Good.

...true paranoid is the one
in possession of all the facts.
-I'm calling the cops.
-Good.

...true paranoid is the one
in possession of all the facts.

But the real reason
we're here tonight...

is to honor
our Dr. George Maitlin...

and to accept the award...

a man who's only been with us
for four days...

How long do these people take?

How long it takes
is how long it takes.

Oh. How long it takes
is how long it takes.

That's not fast enough!
Oh. How long it takes
is how long it takes.

That's not fast enough!

Freeze, scumbag.

Get in the closet.
Come on, get in there!

OK, but you're gonna have to
answer to Dr. Baird about this.
Get in the closet.
Come on, get in there!

OK, but you're gonna have to
answer to Dr. Baird about this.

-I am Dr. Baird!
-Sure, you are.
OK, but you're gonna have to
answer to Dr. Baird about this.

-I am Dr. Baird!
-Sure, you are.

I wasn't born yesterday.
-I am Dr. Baird!
-Sure, you are.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I'm a trained professional,
fella!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Harvey.
Thank you. Thanks very much.

Not here. Go around back.

...to try to fill
the shoes of a man...
Not here. Go around back.

...to try to fill
the shoes of a man...

who has made therapy
a household name.
...to try to fill
the shoes of a man...

who has made therapy
a household name.

Some may say, "Why does therapy
have to take such a long time?"

To them I say,
there's nothing...
Some may say, "Why does therapy
have to take such a long time?"

To them I say,
there's nothing...

that can be done
in a short time...

that can't be done
just as well in a long time.

Thank you and--wait a minute.

Oh, boy. You're not
gonna believe this.
Thank you and--wait a minute.

Oh, boy. You're not
gonna believe this.

I left that wallet...

in the other taxi,
the one we took from the air--

If Dr. George Maitlin
could have been here tonight...

he would be most, most
honored with this award...

and he would thank you
for this honor, but...
he would be most, most
honored with this award...

and he would thank you
for this honor, but...

You're supposed
to be in London.

We were gonna tour
the countryside...

but Vera decided
she wanted to come back...
We were gonna tour
the countryside...

but Vera decided
she wanted to come back...

to fuck you again.

You know,
you're not feeling well, and--
to fuck you again.

You know,
you're not feeling well, and--

Let's not talk about that
right now.

-Let's talk about money.
-Money?

You gave my money
to the wrong man!

He's the perfect choice.
The ratings have soared.

You shithead! That's not Baird!
He's the perfect choice.
The ratings have soared.

You shithead! That's not Baird!

If you go out there
in this condition...
You shithead! That's not Baird!

If you go out there
in this condition...

everyone will know
the kind of man you really are.

You're right.
We don't want that.
everyone will know
the kind of man you really are.

You're right.
We don't want that.

Now, some of you may say
that this is a materialistic...
You're right.
We don't want that.

Now, some of you may say
that this is a materialistic...

Good evening, I'm here to--
Now, some of you may say
that this is a materialistic...

Good evening, I'm here to--

I'm sorry.
This is by invitation only.
Good evening, I'm here to--

I'm sorry.
This is by invitation only.

I'm Dr. Baird.

Excuse me?

Madame,
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird.

I don't think so.
Madame,
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird.

I don't think so.

I assure you, I am Dr. Baird.

I'm a legitimate
psychiatrist...
I assure you, I am Dr. Baird.

I'm a legitimate
psychiatrist...

and this is a legitimate
psychiatrist's dinner!

Let's just calm down.

I'm perfectly calm,
I assure you.

Be a psychiatrist.

You won't have
to wash your hands as much!

No trouble.
No trouble whatsoever.

I'm perfectly calm.
Don't touch me.

Get your hands off me!

My goodness,
what do we have here?
Get your hands off me!

My goodness,
what do we have here?

-Where's my money?
-Don't worry about the money.

As soon as the dinner's over...

we'll get Baird,
or whatever his name is...

we'll take him outside,
we'll grab the briefcase...

-with the cash.
-Cash?!

You paid him cash?
-with the cash.
-Cash?!

You paid him cash?

You told me never
to pay anybody in cash!

It's the only way
he would take the job...

and so far,
he's worth every penny.

I'll kill him!
And when I get finished...

if there are
any bullets left...
I'll kill him!
And when I get finished...

if there are
any bullets left...

On your desk.

Thank you. You have been
a beautiful audience.
On your desk.

Thank you. You have been
a beautiful audience.

Quick! He's getting away!

-Hurry!
-Crowd, clear, please!

Crowd, clear, please!

Watch your stuffed
chicken rolls, folks. Parking!

...be arresting the fake!
I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me!
Watch your stuffed
chicken rolls, folks. Parking!

...be arresting the fake!
I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me!

I am Dr. Baird! I am--

Be on back to my office
on Monday. See you later!

When do we board?

-Fifteen minutes.
-Thanks.

...that has developed here.

Because of the difficulty
of the access...

to the Hollywood sign,
it's going to take...

a coordination
of Herculean effort...
to the Hollywood sign,
it's going to take...

a coordination
of Herculean effort...

on the part of all three
of these departments...

to deal with the problem.
As you can see...
on the part of all three
of these departments...

to deal with the problem.
As you can see...

an unidentified man has climbed
to the top of the "Y".
to deal with the problem.
As you can see...

an unidentified man has climbed
to the top of the "Y".

Continental announces...

the boarding of flight 45
to Mexico City.

You just don't have
your thinking cap on.

We don't want
to go public with this.

The pens from my office!
My jellybeans!
We don't want
to go public with this.

The pens from my office!
My jellybeans!

Your eye's not on the sparrow.

-I want my $200,000!
-It's deductible.
Your eye's not on the sparrow.

-I want my $200,000!
-It's deductible.

It's a legitimate
business expense.
-I want my $200,000!
-It's deductible.

It's a legitimate
business expense.

We're talking, what,
72.5% of that.
It's a legitimate
business expense.

We're talking, what,
72.5% of that.

Then I want my $145,000!
My antique lighter!
We're talking, what,
72.5% of that.

Then I want my $145,000!
My antique lighter!

And you say he's not a crook!

You made a commitment.

And remember, in this town,
your word's your bond.
You made a commitment.

And remember, in this town,
your word's your bond.

Let's not forget Balzac
when he said...
And remember, in this town,
your word's your bond.

Let's not forget Balzac
when he said...

"A man's reputation
is like a famous painting.

"Once its authenticity's
questioned, it's never--"

-Shut up!
-Right.

We'll have to get back
to you on that...

if you promise
to come back to us...

as soon as we get
the picture and the sound.

As you can see from
our helicopter up in the sky...

we're getting
a very clear picture now.
As you can see from
our helicopter up in the sky...

we're getting
a very clear picture now.

The man seems to be dressed
all in black...

in some sort of ministerial
suit of clothing.

Late word has come in.
in some sort of ministerial
suit of clothing.

Late word has come in.

The man's name is Donald Becker.
One Donald Becker.
Late word has come in.

The man's name is Donald Becker.
One Donald Becker.

If there is a relative
out there...

who knows Donald Becker...

could you please make your way
to the Hollywood sign?

Perhaps you could, uh...

I'm doing this for you, Baird!
Perhaps you could, uh...

I'm doing this for you, Baird!

Please don't do this.

Please don't do this to me.
Please don't do this.

Please don't do this to me.

Where are you now?

In first class.

I've never seen
such a mass of chaos in my life.

We'll cut to the copter
in the air...
I've never seen
such a mass of chaos in my life.

We'll cut to the copter
in the air...

to see if they can pick it up.

He seems to be saying "Baird."

Where is he?
Where is he?
He seems to be saying "Baird."

Where is he?
Where is he?

Where's who?
Where is he?
Where is he?

Where's who?

It's only money.
It's only money.

You can cash in
on his momentum.

You don't want to blow that.

That looks like
Dr. Lawrence Baird.

You crook!

...recently on the radio.
Dr. Baird...

there's a rumor that
this man is your patient.

Is this true, and if so,
how does it reflect...

on your treatment of him?

Badly, but maybe he won't live
to spread the word.

Thank you.
That was Dr. Lawrence Baird...

noted radio psychiatrist.
My goodness.

Looks like Dr. Baird has taken
Captain Goldblatt's horse!
noted radio psychiatrist.
My goodness.

Looks like Dr. Baird has taken
Captain Goldblatt's horse!

With my money!

-lsn't anybody--
-I'll stop him!

Good shot.

-Where are we going?
-Guess!

Are you Dr. Baird?
It's an honor to meet you.

Listen, I have got
to get up to the "Y."

My wife heard you on the air.
Listen, I have got
to get up to the "Y."

My wife heard you on the air.

When she finds out
I met you in person--
My wife heard you on the air.

When she finds out
I met you in person--

Listen, Doc, actually, I got
a little problem with her.

For the last few months--
Listen, Doc, actually, I got
a little problem with her.

For the last few months--

We should really
talk about this later.

She likes to come home Friday,
put on my uniform--

Is that the only way out?
Is there any other way out?

It's not like she's kinky,
either.

I think she just wants
to be me.
It's not like she's kinky,
either.

I think she just wants
to be me.

Look, I am responsible
for this guy, and--

She runs around
writing parking tickets.

She tries to pee standing up.

Well, I'll see what I can do.
She tries to pee standing up.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

I'll put my mind
to a solution to your problem...
Well, I'll see what I can do.

I'll put my mind
to a solution to your problem...

and see if we can't
come up with something...

but I have to go.

Yeah, but, Doc, I really
need your advice on this--
but I have to go.

Yeah, but, Doc, I really
need your advice on this--

Got a session down here now.
See you after.

Just in case
you don't make it...

Later. We'll talk later.
Just in case
you don't make it...

Later. We'll talk later.

I really will
think about it, though.

It's you.

Decided to come back, have you?
It's you.

Decided to come back, have you?

Besides, I thought you were
on your way to Mexico.
Decided to come back, have you?

Besides, I thought you were
on your way to Mexico.

What happened--my fatal
attraction lured you back?

This is a fitting setting
for our reunion.
What happened--my fatal
attraction lured you back?

This is a fitting setting
for our reunion.

Where's your unicycle
and your umbrella?

I've seen trained bears
do better wire acts.
Where's your unicycle
and your umbrella?

I've seen trained bears
do better wire acts.

I can't see my money.

Maybe he gave it
to someone to hold.
I can't see my money.

Maybe he gave it
to someone to hold.

Cool it about the money.
There's TV here.

You want
the whole world to know?

He could fall,
and we'd never find it.
You want
the whole world to know?

He could fall,
and we'd never find it.

You're a doctor.
Act concerned.

You don't think I'm concerned?

You give away my $200,000
and sleep with my wife?

I'm concerned.
You give away my $200,000
and sleep with my wife?

I'm concerned.

Quiet.
A man's life is at stake.

Guess whose.

As I've said, I've been at
numerous crisis situations...

but never one where the parking
was just so terrible.
As I've said, I've been at
numerous crisis situations...

but never one where the parking
was just so terrible.

Hold on. Hang on.

That's it.

Why did you come back?

I'm still trying
to figure that out.

-Scared, Doctor?
You've got the wrong man.

You just needed a little help.

How did you get up here anyway?

Same way you did, Doc.

Thanks for thinking of this.

What do you want?

What do I want?
What do you want?
What do you want?

What do I want?
What do you want?

You're the one
who was screaming...
What do I want?
What do you want?

You're the one
who was screaming...

all over local TV for me.
You're the one
who was screaming...

all over local TV for me.

I just wanted you
to watch me jump.

Bullshit. You wanted me here.

Now I'm here, so let's do it.

Great. Let's do it.

-Me first.
-We jump together.

But before we go, there's
something I gotta tell you.
-Me first.
-We jump together.

But before we go, there's
something I gotta tell you.

Hurry up.
I haven't got all night.
But before we go, there's
something I gotta tell you.

Hurry up.
I haven't got all night.

I was history.
I had in my possession...

$200,000 in crisp, cold cash.
I was rich.
I was history.
I had in my possession...

$200,000 in crisp, cold cash.
I was rich.

You take this key...

go to the airport,
get my 200,000...

and start a new life.
go to the airport,
get my 200,000...

and start a new life.

Why did you come back?

You were wrong
when you said I deserted you...

but you were right
about the pants.
You were wrong
when you said I deserted you...

but you were right
about the pants.

Size thirty-eight crazy.

-What?
-Prison issue.

The County Correctional
Mental Facility For Men...

at Cicero, lllinois.
The County Correctional
Mental Facility For Men...

at Cicero, lllinois.

John William Burns, Jr.,
inmate number 7474505-B...

current status--
escaped and at large.
John William Burns, Jr.,
inmate number 7474505-B...

current status--
escaped and at large.

They'll get us.

We'll live to jump again.
They'll get us.

We'll live to jump again.

-Cuff him.
-Arrest him, too.

Dr. Baird? He's the hero.

That's the nut case
we're taking in.

He's not Dr. Baird!

What's in a name?
This man's a hero.

-Don't be ungracious.
-He stole my money!

Come, come, we'll talk.

Here.
You better take back your key.

Absolutely not. My offer
still stands. You keep it.
Here.
You better take back your key.

Absolutely not. My offer
still stands. You keep it.

-They're gonna lock me up.
-Don't count on it.

Sorry about this.
I'm gonna have to take you in.

That's quite all right.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.

A nice guy like you?
It's a shame.

-I quite agree.
-Cuff him, too.

Listen, Captain,
you don't want him.
-I quite agree.
-Cuff him, too.

Listen, Captain,
you don't want him.

He's not a criminal.
He hasn't done anything wrong.

I sent him up there.

It's not his fault.
It's my fault. Let him go.

You'll still be
on the 11 :00 news.

Release the other guy.

I want my money!
He took my money!

You! You! You took my money!

-Are you Maitlin?
You're damn right!

Author of the theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?

You better believe it!
Author of the theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?

You better believe it!

-Garbage!
-Garbage?!

I'll show you garbage!
-Garbage!
-Garbage?!

I'll show you garbage!

This is no time for violence.

-Wrong, Harvey!
-Holy shit!

You let my money get away.

-But you didn't.
-I'm your friend!

You banged my wife
for a year and a half...
-But you didn't.
-I'm your friend!

You banged my wife
for a year and a half...

on your lousy desk!
You banged my wife
for a year and a half...

on your lousy desk!

The desk
is a signed Julian Schnabel!

Sign this!
The desk
is a signed Julian Schnabel!

Sign this!

Jesus! He's got a gun!
Grab him! Get him!

We have another
late-breaking development.
Jesus! He's got a gun!
Grab him! Get him!

We have another
late-breaking development.

Gunshots have erupted beneath
the famed Hollywood sign...

which recently saw
the thrilling rescue...

of a deranged patient by radio
psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird.

The alleged assailant is
allegedly Dr. George Maitlin...

another Los Angeles
psychiatrist.

Perhaps we could get
an interview with him.

Dr. Maitlin, is there
anything you'd like to say?

-Fuck you!
-That's another first.

Let's check on two-thirty.

Doctor.

I'm Dr. Baird.

I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.

I hear you.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.

I hear you.

I hear you saying
you're Dr. Lawrence Baird.

I am Dr. Baird, though.
I really am.

I'm Dr. Baird.

I hear you. I really do.

I hear you saying,
"l am Dr. Baird."

You're not really
listening to me.

You think you're hearing
what I'm saying...

but you're not
really listening.

I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
but you're not
really listening.

I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.

I'm a qualified,
accredited psychiatrist...

and somebody else
has supplanted me.
I'm a qualified,
accredited psychiatrist...

and somebody else
has supplanted me.

Up his thorazine
to 500 milligrams.

Another evaluation for you,
Dr. Smet.
Up his thorazine
to 500 milligrams.

Another evaluation for you,
Dr. Smet.

-Amazing.
-What, sir?

How many psychiatrists
we're getting these days.
-Amazing.
-What, sir?

How many psychiatrists
we're getting these days.

-What?
-I'm Dr. Smet.

I'm not sick.

I just need space.

And the moon
lights up the night

My eyes light up
when you call my name
And the moon
lights up the night

My eyes light up
when you call my name

I get a fever--
My eyes light up
when you call my name

I get a fever--

Hey, Houdini, let's go.
You're going to Lompoc.

You give me fever

See you later,
fellow timesters.

Good luck.
See you later,
fellow timesters.

Good luck.

You'll be glad to know
that the horror stories...

about Lompoc prison
aren't really true.

Good.

I mean, they got rid
of most of the rats.
Good.

I mean, they got rid
of most of the rats.

The number of knife attacks
is way down...

as are the cases of ptomaine
poisoning and gang rape.
The number of knife attacks
is way down...

as are the cases of ptomaine
poisoning and gang rape.

I'm glad to hear it.
as are the cases of ptomaine
poisoning and gang rape.

I'm glad to hear it.

I mean, they haven't had
a really nasty death...
I'm glad to hear it.

I mean, they haven't had
a really nasty death...

there in at least a week.

-Nice.
-Hey.
there in at least a week.

-Nice.
-Hey.

Frank, a little trouble ahead.
-Nice.
-Hey.

Frank, a little trouble ahead.

33 David, we got a 902T
at Pacific Coast Highway...

and Decker Canyon. Send rescue.
33 David, we got a 902T
at Pacific Coast Highway...

and Decker Canyon. Send rescue.

There's a woman
trapped in there!

Hey, what's going on?

Frank, stop that van!
Stop, or I'll shoot!

You're under arrest! Stop!
Frank, stop that van!
Stop, or I'll shoot!

You're under arrest! Stop!

You didn't say they were
gonna be shooting at us!

Welcome to life on the lam!
You didn't say they were
gonna be shooting at us!

Welcome to life on the lam!

Hold still
while I get these off.

You really are everything
a guy could want.

-Shit!
-What? What's wrong?
You really are everything
a guy could want.

-Shit!
-What? What's wrong?

The Freon's not working!
-Shit!
-What? What's wrong?

The Freon's not working!

Who planned this disaster,
anyway?

-She did.
-He did!

The gods of transportation
have been kind to us.
-She did.
-He did!

The gods of transportation
have been kind to us.

-Put this on.
-How?

Over your shoulders. Good.

Just call me the wild one.

-Good luck, boys.
You're not coming with us?

This is it for me.
-Good luck, boys.
You're not coming with us?

This is it for me.

But I don't want you.

I want the girl.
This isn't fair.

Life isn't fair. Hop on.

But I don't want to escape
with you. I hate you.
Life isn't fair. Hop on.

But I don't want to escape
with you. I hate you.

I can accept that.

This hog can kick ass!

Can outrun any cop car
built since '71!

Where did you get
this bike, anyway?

I dipped into petty cash--
your briefcase!

I take back everything...

I ever said about you!
You really are crazy!

How far do you think
we're gonna get on this thing?
I ever said about you!
You really are crazy!

How far do you think
we're gonna get on this thing?

-To Monte Carlo.
-On a motorcycle?

No! On Harvey's yacht!

There are worse things
than being crazy!