All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 1x15 - The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

on the other hand,some
physicists are concerned that

if this supercollider
actually works,

it'll create a black hole
and swallow up the earth,

ending life as we know it.

what a bunch of crybabies.

No guts,no glory,man.

Hey,check it out.

The school of pharmacology
is looking for volunteers.

"We are testing a new
medication "for social anxiety,

panic attacks,agoraphobia and
obsessive compulsive disorder."

Why would they be looking
for test subjects here?

I don't know,raj.

Maybe the comic book store
doesn't have a bulletin board.

What's going on?

hot girl in sheldon's office.

Sheldon's office?

Is she lost?

I don't think so.

I followed her here
from the parking lot.

Maybe she's his lawyer.

Well,she's free to
examine my briefs.

-Howard.
-I know,I'm disgusting.

I should be
punished... by her.

Oh,look,I did it again.

That should do it.

Thank you for coming by.

Hello.

-Oh,hey,buddy...
-"buddy..."?

Sorry I'm late.

I'm working on a project that

may take me up on the
next space shuttle.

How can you be late?

I wasn't expecting you at all.

Nobody ever expects me.

Sometimes you just
look and... bam!

Howard wolowitz.

Sheldon,are you
gonna introduce us?

Oh,all right.
Uh,this is missy.

Missy,this is
leonard and rajesh,

and you've already met howard.

It's nice to meet you.

You,too,as well,also. Yeah.

So,how do you two
know each other?

Oh,he once spent nine months

with my legs wrapped
around his head.

Excuse me?

She's my twin sister.

She thinks she's
funny,but frankly,

I've never been
able to see it.

That's because you have no
measurable sense of humor,shelly.

How exactly would one
measure sea nse of humor?

A humormometer?

Well,I think you're
delightfully droll.

Or,as the french
say,trs drale.

Okay,so let me
see if I got this.

Leonard,howard and... I'm
sorry,what was your name again?

Rajesh.

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the big bang
theory Season 1 Episode 15

So missy,what brings you
all the way from texas?

Was it perhaps destiny?
I think it was destiny.

My friend's getting married
at disneyland tomorrow night.

Destiny,thy name is anaheim.

And I had to drop off
some papers for shelly

to sign for my dad's estate.

The papers could've
been mailed.

Mom just sent you here
to spy on me,didn't she?

I guess that's why
they call you a genius.

They call me a genius
because I'm a genius.

Tell mom that I
currently weigh 165 pounds

and that I'm having
regular bowel movements.

Enjoy the wedding. Good-bye.

If the wedding's
not until tomorrow,

why don't you stay
with us tonight?

Oh,I don't think so.

Shelly doesn't like company.

Even as a little boy,

he'd send his imaginary friends
home at the end of the day.

They were not friends.

They were imaginary
colleagues.

Look,you're here. We
have plenty of room.

No,we don'T.

Come on,shelly. She's family.

So what,ion't issue
invitations to your mother.

Well,it would be nice not to have
to drive to anaheim in rush hour.

And don't ever call me shelly.

So it's settled:
You'll stay with us.

Yeah,I'll walk
you to your car.

You're in structure
3,level c,right?

What just happened?

So anyway,we're
eight years old

and sheldon converts
my easy bake oven

to some kind of
high-powered furnace.

just classic.

I needed a place to fire
ceramic semiconductor substrates

for homemade
integrated circuits.

He was trying to build
some sort of armed robot

to keep me out of his room.

Made necessary by her
insistence on going into my room.

Anyway,I go to make those little
corn muffins they give you.

There's a big flash.

Next thing you know
my eyebrows are gone.

not your eyebrows.

Yep,I had to go through
the entire second grade

with crooked eyebrows
my mom drew on.

Is that what that was?

I just assumed that the
second grade curriculum

had rendered you quizzical.

hey,leonard,you left your
underwear in the dryer downstairs.

Those are not mine.

Really? They have your
little name label in them.

Yeah... no,I do...
I... I use those,uh,

just to polish up my
spearfishing equipment.

I spearfish.

When I'm not crossbow
hunting,I spearfish.

Uh,penny,this is sheldon's
twin sister,missy.

-Missy,this is our neighbor,penny.
-Hi.

you don't look
that much alike.

Can I get a hallelujah?

Fraternal twins come
from two separate eggs.

They are no more alike
than any other siblings.

Hallelujah!

Hey,guess what.

I've been accepted as a test
subject for a new miracle drug

to overcome
pathological shyness.

Oh,good for you,raj.

Yes,I'm very hopeful.

Hello,missy.

They mentioned there
may be side effects.

So,missy,have
you ever met a man

from the exotic
subcontinent of india?

Well,there's dr.
Patel at our church.

Ah,yes,patel--
good man.

Do you like motorcycles?
'Cause I ride a hog.

A hog?

You have a two-cylinder scooter
with a basket in the front.

You still have
to wear a helmet.

Have you ever heard
of the kama sutra?

-The sex book.
-the indian sex book.

In other words,if
you "wonder,wonder

who wrote the book
of love," it was us.

-So,sheldon's sister is pretty cute
-I wasn't staring.

I didn't say you were.
I just said she was cute.

Oh,maybe,if you like women
who are tall... and perfect.

Sheldon,why are you
ignoring your sister?

I'm not ignoring my sister.
I'm ignoring all of you.

I brought snacks!

Oh,my,gherkins and...

onion dip.It's onion dip.

We don't entertain much.

Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?

I guess.

Yeah,we indians invented them.

You're welcome.

Yeah,well,my people
invented circumcision.

You're welcome.

Missy,I'm gonna go
get my nails done.

-Do you want to come?
-God,yes.

-Thanks.
-You're welcome.

Bye,guys.

-Bye,missy.
-Bye,missy,see you.

-Good-bye,leonard.
-Oh,yeah,no,uh,bye,penny.

Okay,you two have to back off.

Why should I back off?
You back off,dude.

Excuse me,this is my apartment,and
she's my roommate's sister.

So what? You've
already got penny!

How do I have penny?

In what universe
do I have penny?

-So I can have penny?
-Hell,no!

Excuse me. Can I
interject something?

I'm ordering pizza online.

Is everyone okay
with pepperoni?

-Sheldon,can I talk to you in private?
-I guess.

Don't worry. I was going
to order you cheese-less.

-Thank you.
-It's okay.

Lactose intolerance is nothing
to be embarrassed about.

I'm a fancy indian man.
We invented pajamas.

Hey,look at me. I
don't have a foreskin.

Sheldon...

are you aware that your sister

is an incredibly
attractive woman?

she certainly has the
symmetry and low body fat

that western culture
deems desirable.

It's noteworthy,at
other points in history,

heavier women were
the standard for beauty

because their girth
suggested affluence.

-That's fascinating,but...
-I didn't say it was fascinating.

I said it was noteworthy.

All right,but... noted.

My point is that
koothrappali and wolowitz,

they're hitting
on your sister.

Oh,it'S...

oh,ay.

You know,I don't want to
criticize your rhetorical style,

but we'd be a lot further
along in this conversation

if you'd begun
with that thought.

That's great,but my...

what I'm saying is that we
took quite an unnecessary detour

from what I now understand
to be your thesis.

Whatever.

-You have to do something about it.
-Why?

Because she's your sister.

I don't understand.

Yes,we shared a
uterus for nine months,

but since then we've pretty
much gone our own separate ways.

Okay,uh,consider this...
with your father gone,

it is your responsibility
to make sure that

missy chooses a suitable mate.

I hadn't considered that.

We do share dna.

So there is the
possibility,however remote,

that resting in her
loins is the potential

for another individual
as remarkable as myself.

Exactly.

And you owe it to yourself
and to posterity to protect

the genetic integrity of your
sister's future offspring.

You're right.

If someone wants to get
at missy's fallopian tubes,

they'll have to go through me.

I am shiva the destroyer!
I will have the woman.

I'm warning you I was
judo champion at math camp.

All right,now that's
enough juvenile squabbling.

You stop it. Stop it,I say!

I'm going to settle
this right now.

Neither of you are good
enough for my sister.

Who are you to decide that?

He's the man of his family.

You have to
respect his wishes.

-You're out,too,by the way.
-Say what?

It's nothing personal.

I'd just prefer if my
future niece or nephew

didn't become flatulent every
time they ate an eskimo pie.

What are you so happy about?

I'm not happy.

It's the medication.
I can't stop smiling.

Now that leonard's made me aware
of how high the genetic stakes are,

we have to face the
fact that none of you

are suitable mates
for my sister.

Wait a minute. Leonard
made you aware of that?

We all make mistakes.
Let's move on.

Excuse me,but I think you're
missing a big opportunity here.

How so?

Everybody knows genetic diversity
produces the strongest offspring.

Why not put a little
mocha in the family latte?

In principle,you have a point.

But as a practical
matter,need I remind you that

it takes experimental
pharmaceuticals to simply enable you

to speak to the opposite sex.

I think you're focusing
entirely too much on the drugs.

Is it 'cause I'm jewish?

'Cause I'd kill my rabbi with a
pork chop to be with your sister.

This has nothing
to do with religion.

This has to do with the fact
that you're a tiny,tiny man

who still lives
with his mother.

Sheldon,you are really
being unreasonable.

Am I?

Here,eat this cheese
without farting

and you can sleep
with my sister.

Oh,really?

Shelly,can I speak to
you for a minute? Alone.

Why does everyone suddenly
want to talk to me alone?

Usually nobody wants
to be alone with me.

We all make mistakes.
Let's move on.

Okay,I'm not even going to ask

why you're pimping
me out for cheese.

But since when do you care
at all about who I sleep with?

Well,truthfully,I've
never given it any thought,

but it has been
pointed out to me that

you carry dna of
great potential.

-What on earth are you talking about?
-Let me explain.

You see,I'm a superior
genetic mutation,

an improvement on the
existing mediocre stock.

And what do you
mean,"mediocre stock"?

That would be you.

But residing within you,is
the potential for another me.

Perhaps even taller,smarter,

and less prone to freckling,a
sheldon 2.0,if you will.

-"Sheldon 2.0"?
-Exactly.

Now,I am not saying
that I should be

the sole decider of
who you mate with.

If you're not
attracted to the suitor,

then the likelihood of
conception will be reduced.

-You have got to be kidding me.
-Not at all.

Frequent coitus dramatically
increases the odds of fertilization.

Okay,shelly,sit down.

Now I've lived my whole
life dealing with the fact

that my twin brother
is,as mom puts it,

"one of god's
special,little people."

I always thought I was
more like a cuckoo bird.

You know,a superior
creature whose egg

is placed in the nest
of ordinary birds.

Of course,the newly hatched
cuckoo eats all the food,

leaving the ordinary
siblings to starve to death.

Luckily for you,that's
where the metaphor ended.

I thought it
ended at "cuckoo."

You listen to me.

If you want to start
acting like a brother

who cares about
me,then terrific.

Bring it on.

But you try one time to tell me
who I should be sleeping with,

and you and i are
going to go round

and round the way we
did when we were little.

Remember?

I have an alternate proposal.

Go on.

You donate eggs.

We will place them
in cryogenic storage.

I will find an appropriate
sperm donor for your eggs,

have them fertilized
and implanted in you.

That way,everybody wins.

Correction.

Missy can date
whoever she wants.

Look,we have to settle this.

I agree.

Sheldon's sister
is hiding at penny's

because we've all been hitting
on her at the same time.

She's not hiding.

She needed privacy to
call her grandmother

who's apparently very sick.

Oh,and then I believe
she has to wash her hair.

Oh,you poor,deluded bastard.

Don't start with me,dude.

You want to go
again? Let's go.

-Sit down.
-Okay.

If we're going to fight over
missy,let's do it the right way.

The honorable way.

Take that!

you want some more?

And he's down!

come on,come on! Get up!

Stay down,bitch!

yeah! Natural
selection at work.

I weep for humanity.

Excuse me while I go
tell missy the good news.

-Hey,leonard.
-Oh,hi,penny. How's it going?

Listen,that guy mike
that you were dating,

is that still going on?

-pretty much. Why?
-Nothing,just catching up.

By the way,may I
speak to missy,please?

Of course.

Hi,leonard. What's up?

Well,since you're
leaving tomorrow,

I was wondering if you'd
like to go to dinner with me.

That's so sweet.
But no thanks.

-Do you have other plans or...?
-No.

All right,enjoy the
rest of your evening.

Thanks. See ya.

here's something we
didn't anticipate.

What do you want,howard?

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

I've come to call on missy.

Missy.

Hi,howard.

The amazing howard.

-Do you like magic?
-Not really. No.

Then you are in for a treat.

Behold,an ordinary cane.

No.

Okay.

missy.

Thank you.

I apprec...
apprec... appreeee...

Oh,honey. Is your
medication wearing off?

Well,hi,tie pie.

I was hoping you'd show up.

we had a dog who made a noise like that.
Had to put him down.

Any news you want me
to pass along to mom?

Well,she might be
interested to know that

I have refocused my research
from bosonic string theory

to heterotic string theory.

Yeah,I'll just tell
her you say "hey."

Okay,well,it was
pleasant seeing you,

other than that business
with my testicles.

Come on,shelly.

I want you to know
I'm very proud of you.

Really?

Yep,I'm always bragging to
my friends about my brother,

the rocket scientist.

You tell people I'm
a rocket scientist?

Well,yeah.

I'm a theoretical physicist.

-What's the difference?
-What's the difference?!

Good-bye,shelly.

My god! Why don't
you just tell them

that I'm a toll-taker at
the golden gate bridge?!

Rocket scientist.
How humiliating.

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