All language subtitles for Outmatched.S01E07.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched.

How did I give birth
to Wikipedia?

ANNOUNCER:
All-new episodes Thursdays.

And watch other Fox shows
like Last Man Standing.

-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.

Final round.
Winner takes all.

This isn't fair.
My teammates are Mom and Dad.

You picked us.

Everyone else was taken.
It's like me in-in gym class.

[doorbell rings]

Did you guys order
another pizza?

-KAY: Hi, guys.
-Hey.

It's gonna be a second.

Just wrapping up
a family game night here.

Oh, well, it's good to know
we're paying our sitter

to watch you spend time
as a family.

Players ready, and go.

-Polio.
-Mindbox.

-Lantern. Antwerp.
-Mindbox. Mindbox.

Yes. Perfect round.

I told you they were gonna be
doing something weird

-when we got here.
-Mm-hmm.

It's like a deleted scene
from Get Out.

Mm-hmm.

This is Mindbox.

Brian and Nicole invented it
when they were little.

It's actually two games in one:

Mindbox and the drinking game
that Kay and I play

to get through Mindbox.

All right, we can do this.
Just focus.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

-Actuary.
-Mindbox.

Damn it, Dad!

NICOLE:
That's game.

Time to total up
the final score.

Hey, this is fun.

Why don't we play this
with our kids?

'Cause our kids have friends.

This score is an embarrassment.

I'm a disgrace.

Leila, you can take my room.

I deserve to sleep
outside with the dogs.

I want to sleep with the dogs.

Wow. Nicole takes losing
pretty hard, huh?

Actually, that's what
she looks like when she wins,

by 321 points.

Can you bring out some raw meat?

I need to attract stray dogs.

If I'm lucky,
I'll get some on me

and they'll rip me apart
limb from limb.

This is Get Out.

Half of that face
look like a dude I know.

[whispers]:
Tommy. Tommy.

-Nah, that ain't him.
-Okay, thank God.

♪

How long do you think
Nicole's gonna be out there?

Ah, she talks a big game,

but she'll only be out there,
like, six, seven hours.

Hot tip: You better check
her room for manifestos.

So, if she's like that
when she wins,

-what's she like when she loses?-Hmm.

That's a good question.

I don't remember her
ever losing anything.

No, she even beat
our neighbor Colin for tenor

in the gay men's choir.

And she did it singing
"When a Man Loves a Woman."

Wait a minute. That girl
has never lost at anything?

Uh-oh. That's not good.

I think it's time
I told you a story.

It's about a man.

A man named Irwin.

I hope he dramatically
tells us what year it was.

It was 1998.

I was the star pitcher for
my high school baseball team.

Never lost a game.

I got a full ride to Texas.
Living the dream.

Then my first collegiate start,

I take the mound,
and on my very first pitch,

kaboom! Home run.

Next batter, next pitch,

kaboom!

-Oof.
-No.

I got six more kabooms
left, Kay.

Eight straight home runs.

My center fielder left the field

to go get a beer
from the stands.

Anyway, I could never
pitch again after that.

-Man, it-it broke me.
-It's true.

He can't even look at a diamondwithout freaking out.

Which is pretty damn convenient,if you ask me.

Look, the problem was
I had never failed before,

so the first time
something happened,

I didn't know what to do.

Wait, so you think
something like that

could happen to Nicole?

'Cause I can't even picture
how she'd react if she lost.

I can.
It ends with a coroner

looking at our bodies,
saying, "In all my years,

I've never seen
anything like this."

All I know is
things got really dark for me.

I gained 200 pounds. They had
to cut me out of my dorm room.

It was a long road back.

But look at me now.

-Check this out.
-That's right, baby. Come on.

Ha, ha. Just throw.

-You can do it.
-You can do it,
just step into it.

-You got it.
-Nothing bad is gonna happen.

-Kaboom!
-[Kay cheering]

-Oh, God, it happened again!
-Mike! Oh, Mike!

Why would you do that?!

-MIKE: Oh.
-Now this is gonna be
my whole weekend.

Here, sweetie.

Mommy, Brian won't play with me.

I asked him five times
and he said "No, no, no, no,"

and, "Leila, shut the door!
I was just stretching!"

Can you just play with her
for ten minutes?

You know she worships you.

I love Leila. Great kid.

Small hands,
good for cleaning pipettes.

But my brain
requires stimulation

that she can't provide.

That's why
I'm teaching Marc chess.

Now, obviously it'll be years
before he poses a challenge,

-but until then...
-Checkmate.

Marc, Marc, Marc. You only say
"checkmate" when you've...

How did you do that?
That-that was only five moves.

Sorry, I'm new to this.

Should I be taking longer
to beat you?

New game.

-Go easy on your brother.
-Oh, I will.

I was talking to Marc.

I think we should
have more kids.

Come on,
you usually love that joke.

Sorry. I'm still thinking
about what Irwin said.

I mean, Nicole's never
learned to fail,

so what if the first time
she does, she melts down

and she's not able
to be a... uh...

Are you trying not
to say "dictator"?

No, I was trying not
to say "Voldemort."

But...

I think I know
how we can help Nicole.

We got to make her fail.

I'm not sure we ever landed
on a parenting style,

but this feels like
the wrong one.

Okay, hear me out. If she losesat something small now,

while we're here to support her,it'll help her cope later

when she's at college or whenBatman burns off half her face.

So it's sort of like a vaccine.

Exactly. It hurts at first,
but then you're the only kid

in the dirty lake
who doesn't get hepatitis.

But there's a problem.

What can we get Nicole
to fail at?

She's good at everything.

Oh, come on. Not everything.

She's bad at, um,
hiding her disgust

to stupid questions or, uh...

-[gasps] I think I got it.
-I got something better.

Wow.

So confident your idea's betterwithout even hearing mine.

You're right. I'm sorry.
What's yours?

I was bluffing. It's terrible.

You want me to sign up
for a casino beauty pageant?

Be honest. I won't be mad.

Are you trying to sell me
to a Saudi prince?

My casino put it together
last minute.

It was originally
supposed to be a dog show,

but the Humane Society said
the building didn't meet

the "minimum requirements
for dog safety."

But it's okay for people?

Well, I don't know. There's nota Humane Society for people.

MIKE:
Oh, heads up.

There still might be
an agility competition.

How good are you at catching
a frisbee with your mouth?

Best in my class.

But I still don't understand
how this benefits me.

Well, we thought it would
show a variety of interests

on your college application.

Coding, debate,
linguistics, philosophy,

game theory and cryptoeconomicsisn't a variety?

It's pretty good,
but put "pageant winner"

on your application,
they'll know you're hot.

And if they're choosing
between hot nerd

and maybe-hot nerd,
they'll go hot every time.

They have brochures
to think about.

Also, it could help
your political career

-one day.
-Hmm.

Pageant experience does
play well in the heartland.

All right. I'll do it.

You're looking at the next MissTeen Exit 38 Off the Parkway.

-Oof, I hope this works.
-[exhales]

Uh, but if it doesn't,
we can always try your idea.

I don't think we should.

It's dinosaur hunter.

Oof, this is not Nicole's scene.

If this place had
a giant bloodthirsty rabbit

that scored higher than her
on the SATs,

it would literally be
her worst nightmare.

All right, I need
all the bitches to line up--

I'm sorry, I signed up for thiswhen it was still a dog show.

-Rita, you're working this?
-Yeah.

Girl, and there is no budget forthis thing, so I'm the emcee,

I'm security
and apparently animal control

'cause people don't read
their damn e-mails.

Sir, you need to leave!

Your dog is not safe here!

Uh, Mike?

When did Nicole
learn how to tap dance?

I think she just learned
last night.

How is she so good already?

Did she eat the heart
of a tap dancer?

Did we make a mistake?

I mean, she is going
to lose this thing, right?

Today I will be doing
a tap interpretation

of the Lincoln-Douglas debates
of 1858.

She is so screwed.
We'll be fine.

That's my daughter.

She's gonna get destroyed.

Rosemary knight
take saffron pawn.

No, but that leaves it open
for the damn paprika!

Marc is looking for you.
Are you hiding?

[scoffs]
No. I'm a grown man.

I don't hide.

-Okay. Marc, he's in...
-[shushes] He'll find me.

No, I can't lose to Marc again,

but I can't figure out
how to beat him.

He's always five steps ahead.

That's it.
I'll throw him down the steps.

Sometimes when I don't know
what crayon to use,

I do something else,

and the right color
just pops into my head.

[laughs] No. The only way
to solve a problem

is to obsess over ittill you solve it or go insane.

Yeah, I think
you're already there.

It's still your move, old man.

Okay, let's get this over with.

He can't play chessbecause he has to play with me.

Yes. Th-That's right.

I have to play with Leila.

You know,
I'd love to defeat you,

-but I told Leila we'd play...
-Ponies and unicorns.

Ponies and unicorns.

Yep, that's the intellectual
challenge I crave.

-To the stables.
-They live in the clouds.

Let's just go.

Pepper mill takes chili flakes.

Checkmate.

♪

Oof, tough first day for Nicole.

My favorite part was
when she called Miss America

"capitalism's fanciest whore."

Yep.

By this time tomorrow,

we will be the proud parents
of a huge loser. [chuckles]

-She is gonna be devastated.
-[bottles clink]

Did we really just clink
about our daughter being sad?

No. We clinked about
our plan working.

It's what we wanted.

No, I know, but...
now that it's happening,

it kind of feels like
a weird thing to want.

I mean, are we really happy

our little girl's
gonna get crushed tomorrow

in front of
hundreds of strangers

on a stage unfit for dogs?

Well, I wouldn't say happy,
but it's the vaccine thing.

It's for her own good.

No parent ever wants
to see their child sad,

and now we've gone out of
our way to make it happen.

Maybe we should pull the plug.

The last thing
we want to teach Nicole

is how to pull the plug,
because that will definitely

come back to haunt us.

No, babe, come on.

We have to stay strong on this.United front.

You're right. You're right.
We got to stay strong.

Yeah. Come on, we got this.

Oh, and, uh,
I do want you to know,

if she does pull the plug
on me, do not move on.

It is not what
I would have wanted.

Sorry, Tinsel, you're a pony,

so you can't come
to the unicorn ball.

Unless Tinsel is ranked
grand master

by the U.S. Chess Federation,
could you please keep it down?

You said you'd play with me.

How am I supposed
to play a game

with no internal logic?

You've got horses
living on clouds,

and glitter is somehow
a food, a currency

and the name of
at least three ponies.

Well, the ponies and unicorns
are fighting.

Hmm. Well, that's
an interesting premise.

Tribal warfare between
two rival societies. No.

-But I really don't have the...-And there's only one
who can stop it.

Tell me more about this one.

He's a unicorn
born with no horn.

Interesting. A zero-corn.

Is he the one
the prophecies foretold?

I don't know.

Leila, I shall play your game.

Let's go.

Okay, so what's this
zero-corn's name?

-Glitter!
-Of course.

Hey, sweetie.

Oh, that's a... nice gown.

Is Miss Thing-Thing adding
some bling-bling? Nope.

[clears throat]

It's not a gown,
it's a pantsuit.

And I'm actually removing
the rhinestones.

They distract
from the boxy cut.

Well, tonight you will be
the box of the ball.

-Hey, Dad.
-Mm.

I just wanted to say thanks
for pushing me to do this.

It got me
out of my comfort zone,

and I'm really proud ofall the hard work I put into it.

You haven't put, like,
that much work into it.

Sure I have.
I had to master tap dancing.

That took me almost four hours.

I just hope it's all worth it.

Yeah, me, too.

Um, you know, honey,
if I'm being honest,

it's probably not worth it.

I mean, the real victory here

is you getting
out of your comfort zone.

You know?
So what do you say tonight

we just, we just pull the plug
on this whole thing?

-What?
-Yeah. Come on.

Instead, tonight I'll get you
those tickets you wanted.

We'll go see Kiss.

An Evening of Statecraft
with Henry Kissinger?

Sadly, that is what Kiss means
in this house.

Thanks, Dad, but I'm not
going to quit.

Okay, but, um, uh, remember,
whatever happens tonight,

this pageant was actually
your mom's idea.

So just be sure
to remember that.

-Seriously?
-Okay, what? Nothing, nothing!

Why would you tell her
this was my idea?

Well... it was.

And I am tired
of living in a world

where men get credit
for women's ideas.

What happened to staying strong?

[scoffs]
I'm sorry.

I-I started picturing
how sad she'll be

when this all blows up,
and I couldn't take it.

What are we gonna do?

Well, she's not gonna quit.

I already tried
with AC/DC tickets.

That's probably not...

-It's the Atlantic City
Dictionary Convention.
-Yeah.

So what's our plan?
We can't just do nothing

and watch her lose.

There is one other option.

Oh, Rita, it's you.
[chuckles]

I thought you were one of
our teen beauties. [chuckles]

Aw... Okay, what do
you two want?

We screwed up with Nicole.

We really need her
to win this thing, so...

we would like
to do a bribe, please.

And I would really like to help,

but your bribes
aren't gonna work here.

We figured.
We feel guilty even asking.

'Cause the pageant's
already rigged.

What?

Are you surprised?

It's a pageant sponsored by
an energy drink for dogs.

Come on, Rita.

Can't we re-bribe you
or something?

Oh, you could bribe me all day,but it doesn't matter.

Mariah's dad gave discounts
to all the judges

at his mattress store.

And Mariah needs a win
after she crashed her Tesla

into her horse.

So, uh, all the judges
are on the take?

Honey, this is Jersey.

In that case,

this bribe just
turned into a blackmail,

'cause I recorded
the whole th-- Oh, no.

I pocket-dialed my-- Sorry.

Hi, Mom.

No, that-that was Rita.
I was trying to do a-- Okay.

-My mom says hi. Okay.
-Yeah, okay.

-[applause]
-All right.

Well, that was
two days of something.

Before I announce the winner,

tonight's got me
in a singing mood.

Hit it!

♪ She's your queen
for the hour ♪

♪ Your princess for the day ♪

♪ She's Miss Teen Exit 38 ♪

♪ Off the Garden State
Parkway. ♪

Thank you! [whoops]

-[applause]
-So?

-How'd it go with the judges?
-We'll see.

There was a line to bribe them.

You're on the hook fora bath remodel, couple of decks.

-That's no problem.
-And one of them wants you
to go for a jog,

then give them your underwear.

I have to go for a jog?

-[drumroll playing]
-All right, here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your 2020 Miss Teen Exit 38
Off the Parkway is...

Nicole Bennett.

-Oh, it's never been so great
to hear that name.
-I know.

Well, tied for when the folks
at Costco found her alive.

-What?
-What?

The unicorns gave up,
Sir Gallops-A-Lot.

Do you think it's a trick?

[neighs]:
I say thee neigh!

The ponies have won!

Oh.

He's actually playing with her.

Let's never forget the sacrificeof our fallen ponies.

Sacrifice.

That-That's it.
That's how I'm gonna beat him.

Marc, let's finish this.

Do you want to lose
with the board or the spices?

Everything I need to beat you
with is right in here.

Rook to queen one.

Queen to king seven.

Bishop takes rook. Check.

Knight takes bishop.

Dad takes walk,
never comes back.

Queen to queen's knight eight.

Knight takes queen.

Rook to queen eight.
Checkmate!

Guys, did you see that?

No. No one saw anything.

Let's keep this streak going.

Another game, Marc?

You're on.

I guess it was fun
while it lasted.

Actually... sorry, Marc.

Leila and I have a victory ballin Fluffera to attend.

Ponies, to the clouds.

Thanks for letting him win.

Seemed like
the old guy needed one.

[gasps]
There's our winner.

How does it feel?

[sighs]

Did you want the crown
to be bigger?

I didn't want the crown at all,because I didn't want to win.

What? You wanted to lose?

I ran the numbers,
and it turns out

losing a beauty pageant actuallyhelps your political odds.

So now, instead of president,

I'm on the fast track
to state senate.

Oh, that's okay, honey.

I mean,
you'll bounce back from...

winning this beauty pageant.

Do you understand
what's going on here?

I think we got what we wanted.

By winning,
she failed at losing.

-So we did it?
-This is terrible.

She feels this way
because of us,

and now we're helpless
to do anything.

[sighs] This is terrible.

But we are not helpless.

This is what a lifetime
of failure has trained us for.

Come on.

[Mike sighs softly]

Don't understand.

I worked so hard
at being terrible,

and I was still too good.

Oh, honey, I know
it feels bad right now,

like you've hit rock bottom.

But the thing about rock bottomis it's kind of great.

It's like a vacation
from your regular life.

Yeah. You get to take naps
that look like comas

and watch reality TV
about hot people

doing dumb things for money.

And say goodbye to caring ifthere's loose food on your face.

What's that? I gota little something right there?

Just leave it.

Yeah. Because you've got
better things to do.

Like blaming other people
for things

that are clearly your fault.

Yeah. Like stupid Cassie.

You can try and hide your
ankle bracelet all you want.

It doesn't matter if one of thejudges is your parole officer.

-[scoffs]
-See?

You're a natural.

Wow, that really works.

I feel a little better already.

-Cake?
-All right. Uh

-uh.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

There you go.

-[laughs]
-Salud.

Mmm. I'm-a go get you
some sweatpants.

They're napkins you can wear.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.