All language subtitles for My.Spy.2020.1080p.Bluray.DTS-HD.MA.5.1.X264-EVO

OCR'd and corrected by
explosiveskull

They're coming.

- Good to see you, JJ.
- Likewise, General.

- Welcome to Russia.
- Right, let's get on with it.

Hollow plutonium pit.

9.7 kilograms,
with tritium boost.

A yield of 800 kilotons
is possible.

Take your time, gentlemen.

We want everyone to be happy.

So, you have a builder
for your weapon yet?

What?

Builder for your weapon.

What do you care?

Obtaining plutonium, step one.

But the build is most critical.

That's it. I know people.
Simple question.

No, it is not simple.

- You asked me who my builder is.
- Whoa! Whoa!

- Is there a problem?
- Yeah, there is a problem.

I think this guy's
a government agent.

Who are you? Interpol?

MI6? CIA?

Don't be crazy.

I'm just a guy

standing in front
of another guy,

asking him not to shoot him.

- Oh, Christ. 'Notting Hill'.
- He's screwed.

- No, no. He's got this.
- What are we gonna do?

Nothing. He's too far out.

He knew this was a solo run.

What do you think you know

that you're pointing weapons
at my friend?

His story. Russian mafia.

Supposed
international arms dealer.

But no-one I know
has heard of you.

- Shows how much you know.
- And that fake accent.

Is that supposed to be Russian?

I mean, take an acting class,
for God's sake.

You sound like Mickey Rourke
in 'Iron Man 2'.

He's just guessing, testing him.

We're good.
Nothing to worry about.

Alright, you got me.

- Oh, crap.
- My head's just not in the game.

This whole spy stuff's
new to me.

You know, it's weird.

Being a soldier came naturally.

This stuff, you know,
not so much.

But there is
one thing I'm good at.

What's that?

Kicking ass.

- Holy hell.
- I told ya.

Heads up! Come on! Let's go!

Huh?

Kill him!

Oh, you're kidding me!

Come on! Ugh!

♪ Hit me, baby,
one more time... ♪

JJ!

- Way to go, killer.
- Thank you.

The man, the myth.

Oh, man.
Bobbi Ulf, tech support.

Can I just say,
it's an honour to meet you.

I have read every page
of your case file

and it's a page-turner,
like 'Fifty Shades of Amazing'.

Kim needs to see you asap
for the debrief.

- You got it.
- Awesome. Awesome.

Have a good day.

Whoops.

Well, kicked a bunch of ass.

- Quite the cowboy.
- Yeah.

- Very heroic!
- Thanks, boss.

No, I'm being sarcast...

The mission wasn't just
to stop a sale, JJ.

The goal was to find out
what they knew

so we could take
the rest of the network down.

But that's kinda difficult now,
seeing that you killed everyone.

Gregovich.
Hassan's head of finance.

Hassan's head.

Look, it's because of you
we have nothing.

We've got the plutonium core.

Turns out there are two cores,
actually.

This man, Azar,
just got away with it,

the only one you didn't kill.

Now he has half
of what he needs

to blow up a major city.

Look, your special forces
record is impeccable.

But intelligence is a different
kind of ball game.

You know, spy craft
requires finesse,

nuance, emotional intelligence.

I've got those. I have plenty
of emotional intelligence.

So you're saying
that you can just read

the slightest and most subtle
of facial cues

to assess
a target's temperament?

Absolutely.

What does my face say?

Should I start reading now?

Oh, my God.

Look, JJ, I respect you, OK?

You put up some big wins for us.

But, with all due respect, I...

...I just don't think
you're out out for this.

Take the rest of the day off.

Go home and get some rest,
alright?

Thanks, Jimmy.

Goodnight, Blueberry.

Alexa, play something soothing.

This is
my favourite shirt.

It's just this really cool
French band that I like.

I saw them in a concert
when I lived in France.

I'm really into French music.

Hmm? Yeah.

Now that you mention it,

I guess living in France
was pretty cool.

Come ice-skating
with you Saturday?

Well, I could ask my mom.

OK, how was that?

I know. I know, Ozzie.

I lost them with,
"I'm really into French music."

Cool shirt. Did you get
that from my room?

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

- How's school going?
- Great.

Elementary school girls

are really warm and welcoming
to new kids.

We're, like, the first ones
they invite to all the parties.

- You know what I think?
- Not too late to homeschool me?

No.

I think that if you're
just yourself

that you are going to make
some good friends

who see how awesome you are,
just like I do.

You know who says things
like that?

Who?

All the parents of kids who
don't get invited to parties.

Are you gonna eat your egg?

No, thanks.

- Watch out.
- Coming through!

Yeah, Chicago won.

Yo, what's up, guys?
Yo, get out of my seat.

- What is that?
- Oh, this?

It's this French band
when I was...

Oh, my God. It's jelly.

You have jelly, like,
all over your face.

Definitely posting that
on Insta.

Actually, I'm... I'm not allowed

to have pictures of myself
on the internet.

It's my mom.
She's afraid of cyberbullies.

Who would bully you?

So, I heard there was going to
be this big ice-skating party.

Oh, my God. It's already gotten,
like, eight likes.

Despite our failure
in Russia,

the NSA has come up with a lead.

They believe Hassan
had been working with this man,

Victor Marquez,
former French special ops.

He's a French national
who's been trading illegal arms

for the past two decades.

Victor has recently stepped up
his game into the nuclear arena

and has acquired something
truly dangerous -

Soviet schematics
for a miniaturised nuke.

For years, he's worked hand
in hand with his brother, David.

There were reports of a power
struggle between the two.

David didn't want his brother

to have the nuclear plans
and hid them.

Enraged, Victor killed him.

Later he was almost captured
by police,

but he escaped
and is still on the run.

Oh, that poor lady.
Does anyone know if she's OK?

She's fine.

If Marquez finds those plans
and sells them to Azar... Boom!

Our mission? Take down Marquez
before he can locate the plans.

Do we know his whereabouts?

NSA believes he's headed
to Berlin to meet with Azar.

- Yes! Love Berlin.
- Christina, you'll take it.

We also have intel from MI6.

Decrypted messaging suggests

that Marquez has been in contact
with his lawyer from Paris,

an international
scumbag named Koll.

- Paris is cool too.
- Christina, yours also.

- C'est bon.
- JJ?

Yes, sir.

You'll be on surveillance
with Bobbi.

- Excuse me?
- No way.

Dead brother's wife
moved back to the US.

Her level of involvement
is unclear.

Until we capture Marquez, it's
best that we keep an eye on her.

This is your last shot.

Yep, this is it.

This is amazing.
Finally in the field.

And with you, of all people,
on my first mission.

Babysitting civilians
is not a mission.

And there is no "you and me".

Well, if this isn't a mission,

then what's this?

- Plan B.
- Yeah.

For an important and
potentially dangerous mission.

Do not touch.

Sorry, Blueberry.

Home sweet home.

Oh, Paris, this is not.

Ooh! Dibs on the bed!

Yeah, you can have it.
I'll take the couch.

- That's blood.
- Oh, that's not blood.

That might be sriracha,
or something.

- Maybe they ate in bed.
- No, that's blood.

- Mission brief's in.
- Finally. Showtime.

Alright. Kate Vale,
wife of David Marquez, deceased.

Originally from Chicago.

Moved back from Paris three
months ago with her daughter.

No close family.
No active social media.

She's an ER nurse
at County Hospital.

- Think the job's a cover?
- I don't know.

Alright, that's her daughter,
Sophie. Nine years old.

Just started 4th grade
at Oak Tree Charter.

Meh, I could definitely
take her.

Let's get to work.

Alright,
let's make this quick.

Shh! Shh!

That's amazing. Do you always
have bacon on you?

Yeah.

The closet?
That's a little mean.

I'm gonna search the apartment.
Get the cameras set up.

Alright. Cameras are up, JJ.

- And they all check out.
- Copy that.

Just wrapping it up here.

Oh, she's back.

I got my check
at the restaurant

before I realised
I forgot my wallet.

I know. I know. I'm losing it.

Uh, well, no,
I'm gonna grab it now.

I'll be there in 20.
Do not worry.

- Hide!
- Where?

Somewhere a w...
a wallet wouldn't be.

You know how I drive.

I'll see you soon. 'Bye.

Huh.

Stop.
Stop it. Stop it.

OK, she is just
tearing the place apart.

OK, she's coming down
the hallway.

Oh, she's in the room.

Oh, my God.

What's my next move?

She's in the kitchen.
Evac in five, four... Now.

Out the front door, out the
front door. And we freeze.

Go, go, go, go.

Aw, that's nice.

I'm losing my mind.

God, I can't take this.

I know.

The tension, the anticipation,
the excitement.

You could get addicted

to the adrenaline high
pretty quickly.

No, the boredom.

Oh, yeah. I know.
There's so many layers, huh?

Hey, I just wanna say I'm real
excited to be learning from you.

I am not
teaching you anything.

I don't know. It's more of
a mentor/mentee relationship.

- We have zero relationship.
- Yet.

But we're building toward
something pretty great.

I can just feel it.

You'll share your harrowing
experiences in the field.

And I'll show you some...

Do not touch.

OK, that was awesome.
That's what I'm talking about!

You gotta teach me
how to do stuff like this.

With your lack of motor skills,
that would be impossible.

You're the tech. I'm the action.

Oh, yeah, well, maybe I become
the action, surprising everyone.

You might need me
to save your ass in a pinch.

You will never save my ass.

Assist? I could assist you.

Come on, it couldn't hurt
to show me a few things, huh?

Just in case...

Ow.

Hey.
Close the door, please.

Thank you.

I know that face.

What face?

The "I'm about to drop some
disappointing news on you" face.

No. This is my "Should we
have spaghetti tonight?" face.

Which also looks like my
"We can't go ice-skating" face.

Mom!

I'm doing an extra shift
at the hospital, Sophie. Sorry.

- Everyone's going.
- I know, I know.

But I don't have a choice.

Listen, how about when I get
home we do something together?

- We can go to the movies.
- Sure.

Hanging out with my mom is
way cooler than making friends!

I hate this place!

Yeah. Me too.

Oh, so, because we're gay,
you just assume we ice-skate?

We see sparkles and sequins
and hear Celine Dion music,

and we just can't
help ourselves, huh?

- Like moths to a flame.
- Oh, my goodness.

No, I'm sorry.
That... that's not...

I'm just playing, girl.

Of course we ice-skate!
Are you kidding?

Todd and I met
at an ice-dancing class.

That's where I fell for him.
Ain't that right, T?

That... that was a yes.

Anyhoo, we'd love to lace up
and hit the rink with Soph,

but I have a million and one
errands to run tomorrow,

and Todd is working from home.

- He's a therapist.
- He's a therapist?

The way people open up to him
is really amazing.

If you ever need someone
to talk to about life or work

or what your hair colour choices
say about you...

Oh, oh, actually,
this wasn't a choice.

- This is my natural colour.
- Mm-hm.

No choice is a choice.

But we will definitely
keep an eye on her for you.

Don't worry. Nothing gets by us.

Ain't that right, T?

- That was a yes too.
- Yeah?

We got a bogey.

The dog found our camera.

Oh, this is not good.

Oh, OK, she doesn't know
what she's looking at.

It's impossible to tell
that's a camera.

Are you sure?

Even if she did know,
she can't trace it.

It's all wireless and encrypted.

I don't know.
She's onto something.

Hmm.

Yeah, chicken piccata
with the broccolini you like,

but you're on ice-cream detail.

Hey, Carlos.

And no vanilla. How basic!

Hey. And 20, 25.

Keep the change. Thank you.

Come on,
let's review what we missed

when we were
buying groceries last night.

How was school?
You learn anything good?

What are you drawing?

Nothing.

Hmm.

"Oh, hey, Mom,
how was your day?"

Well, actually, it was, um...

...it was really intense
and stressful.

This three-car MVC
with mass casualties

and... and multiple
amputations and...

...blood just gushing everywhere.

Did that actually happen?

No. I'm just trying
to get you to say something.

Are you still mad at me
about the ice-skating?

That's tough -
Mom's trying so hard

and that bratty kid
won't give her a break.

- I don't think she's bratty.
- Hey, how'd you get in here?

OK, she has a camera.
She might be streaming.

- Are you guys CIA?
- No.

What makes you think we're CIA?

Are you guys watching us
in case my uncle comes back?

Is he supposed to come back?

No. He hates my mom.

One time they got into a fight
at Christmas.

She poured wine
all over his head

at this really fancy restaurant.

Ooh, I wouldn't touch that.
He doesn't like that.

You've stumbled into
a very sensitive situation,

little lady.

Now, why don't you hand over
that phone

before you get yourself
in big trouble?

But won't you get in big trouble

for having your cover blown
by a 9-year-old

who's recording this
and streaming it to the cloud?

With just one click, I could
send this video to everyone.

Can she do that?

Yeah. Not actually that hard.

Look, little girl,
we're your friends.

We're here to help you.

We're here to protect
you and your mommy.

Then why are you keeping
this all a secret

and hiding cameras
in our apartment?

OK, uh, sidebar? Hmm? Hm.

Alright, we're blown.

- Protocol says we pull out.
- No way.

If Kim finds out we got made by
a 9-year-old, my career's over.

What's the option?

Kill her.
Make it look like an accident.

- Yeah. Maybe the stairs.
- What?

Wow. Still recording.

Uh, that... came off way worse
than I meant.

I was kidding.
That was a joke. Right?

It was funny.

I'll tell you what -

I'll show my mom this video
or we can cut a deal.

Oh, damn, she's good.

What kind of deal?

Just to be clear, this is
a one-time arrangement.

Never again. We're out of here
in 40 minutes, understood?

Yeah, got it.

And what
can I get for you?

Size 4, please.

- And you, sir?
- No skates for me.

You're not going to skate?

I said I'd bring you skating.
I didn't say I'd skate.

You're going to make me
go alone?

Come on, I mean,
don't you guys have some saying

like, "No-one left behind"
or something?

Yeah. But you're not a soldier.

Wait.
Do you not know how?

You've got 30 minutes,
then we're leaving.

When you look out there,
what do you see?

90 civilians, minimal security,
soft perimeter. No cover.

Smiling people having fun.
You should try it sometime.

29 minutes.

What, are you afraid?

Size 15.

What are you waiting for?
Anyone can skate.

OK, OK. I got it.

Ugh!

Whoa. Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Nice move! Ba-boom!

Shut up.

OK, I'm gonna go
say hi to some friends.

Hey, mister,
you gonna fall again?

- No.
- You sure? You're shaking.

Well, if I am, it's with anger,

thinking about
what I'm gonna do to you.

Hey, you guys.

- Uh, what are you doing here?
- Oh, I come here all the time.

Maybe we could skate together.

Yeah, well, we're kind of
doing our own thing.

Hey, guys,
we're gonna play tag.

- Come on!
- Be right over! Later.

Oh, thank God.

Arggh!

You're outta here!
Zero-tolerance bullying policy.

Well, they started it!

So, what happened to you
out there?

What happened to you?

I think I broke something.

Deep inside.

Ice-cream will make you
feel better. It always helps me.

No. Ice-cream wasn't part
of the deal.

Would you like to explain that
to my mom?

Well?

I feel a little better.

Me too.

- So, we're cool, right?
- What do you mean?

I mean, you can't tell anybody
who I am or what I do.

You have to go back to living
your life and leave us alone.

Relax, we're cool.

- What's that?
- Pinky promise.

- Seriously?
- Go on.

You were supposed
to be watching her!

- Anything could've happened...
- Oh, my God! There she is!

And who are you,
touching pinkies?

- Mom, wait! Oh, my God.
- Ugh!

Let go of my daughter!
Give me my phone!

- I'm calling the police.
- Mom, you don't understand.

I ignored your rules
and went to the park.

There were these two jerks
from school

that pushed me down
and it really hurt.

And JJ saw it.
He lives upstairs.

He recognised me
from the building

and calmly talked to the boys

and told them
what they did was wrong,

then got ice-cream to make me
feel better and walked me home!

Oh, my Lord and Taylor!
How did you do that?

He has muscles the size of hams!
Todd, did you see that?

I know!
Todd can't believe it either.

Oh, I, um... I'm sorry.
This is my kid.

- Can I just help you...
- No.

No, it's OK, I'm good.

I'm just gonna head home
and gather my thoughts.

Really, I'm fine. Excuse me.

I think you made
a little pee come out.

What happened to you?

I can't even talk about it.

Let's just say the situation
has been handled.

- Oh, my God, you killed her!
- Shut up.

Hey, big fella!

How are the huevos?

- Yeah, they're fine.
- Really?

Because it looked like you
were in a lot of pain yesterday.

No, I'm OK.

Todd said he thought
he saw you crying.

What? I wasn't crying.

Todd was wondering
what you did for work.

He's such a busybody,

always interrogating
the new neighbours.

I'm taking a break right now,
trying to figure it out.

Welcome to the building, JJ.
We'll see you around.

Yeah, thanks.

Sophie, help!

I need you! Now!

JJ! I was just coming
to get you! Come on, hurry!

Sophie, bring me
some more towels, please!

- Mom, JJ's here.
- What? Why?

- Here, let me help.
- Uh, no.

I've got this under control.
But thank you.

It's the plumbing
in these old buildings.

I just need to tighten the pipe.

It's not a pipe,
it's a loose fitting.

Ozzie, no!

That is so weird.

He usually hates strangers,

but he seems to be
inordinately into you.

- Yeah, that is weird.
- Oh, come here, baby.

I guess you were right
about the fitting.

Yeah. I just don't understand
what happened.

Maybe JJ could stay
for dinner?

- Hmm?
- No, I couldn't possibly.

I think you could.

Oh, my God.

We're out of olive oil.

There's a new bottle
in the back, behind the mustard.

I'd... bet.

Thanks.

Oh, excuse me for a second.
I... I'd better take this.

Sure.

- Hey.
- Hey, glad I caught you.

I was just calling to see
why you're drinking rosé

in the bathroom
of our target's house!

Wait. Did you put a camera
in the bathroom?

What kind of perv
puts a camera in the bathroom?

A genius pervert, that's who.

People 90 there when
they don't want to be heard.

- Apparently.
- Hey, don't make this about me.

What the hell
are you doing in there?

- They invited me for dinner.
- And you said yes?!

I had no choice.
The kid ambushed me.

OK, alright, um, we're gonna
get through this.

Um... I g... I guess...
Here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna go to dinner,

and you're gonna be polite
and innocuous,

and then you will get
the hell out.

You think?

- Do you have any better ideas?
- Yes.

I'll dose them
with sodium pentothal

while you hack the cloud,
get the kid's recordings.

Then we wire the building
so it looks like a gas leak.

Boom. Zero evidence.
We're outta here.

Alright, fine,
we'll go with your idea.

Mm, sorry,
the chicken's a little dry.

Mm, yeah,
it's really overcooked.

Well, you think this is bad? Mm.

One time in Afghanistan,
we were cut off for a month,

and all we had to eat
were these lizards.

We couldn't shoot 'em 'cause
that would attract the enemy,

so we had to bash their
little heads in with rocks.

Really messy work.

Then we had to cook 'em
over C-4,

which gave them
this awful chemical taste.

But, hell, by that time

we were drinking our own urine
anyway, so...

Um... I'm really sorry.

I haven't had dinner
with civilians in a long time.

Hey, Mom, I was thinking,
since you can't take me

to Parents and Special Friends
Day tomorrow at school,

maybe JJ could take me.

I don't think
that's the best idea.

- Not the best idea.
- Why not?

Because I'm sure he's very busy.

- Very busy.
- He's not. He's unemployed.

He just sits around all day
watching TVs.

Sophie, that's not very nice.

No, not nice.

It's just... everyone else
has someone to bring,

and you said you can't
get out of work,

and I'm not
going to have anybody.

And I'm gonna be the only one.

Please?

Seriously? Special Friends Day?

That kid is tricky, man.

I miss dealing with terrorists.

- Goodnight, JJ!
- Oh, she's good.

And goodnight
to your lesbian friend too.

So, what are we walking
into here?

I don't know. This is
my first Special Friends Day.

Weak intel is never
a good starting position.

Noted.

Remember, I need to keep
a low profile,

so no discussing
who I am or what I do.

And this is it.

No more Special Persons days
or skating or anything.

I've got a job to do.

This ain't gonna end up
like some movie, with you and me

sitting in little chairs,
having a tea party with dolls.

Hey, and just to be clear,
I'm onto you.

I know you busted the sink.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Once upon a time,
there was a little girl

who got way too big
for her britches.

Then one day she disappeared

and no-one ever found the body.

You like stories? I got a story.

Once there was a CIA agent

that put cameras
in a little girl's bathroom

while seducing her mom
over chicken and wine.

Pretty sure they don't
teach that at Langley.

Jesus Christ!

You can't back out now.
We're here.

I'm not backing out.

I just never liked school
very much.

No-one does. It's school.

We're all just trying
to survive it.

Come on.

Welcome, everyone.

Our students are so excited

to be able to show off
their school today,

So why don't we begin

by meeting a few of our parents
and special friends?

Who would like to go first?

- Andre.
- I brought my mom.

Hi.

I'm Tina, and I help people
manage their money

so that by the time
they decide to stop working,

they have a nest egg.

My team and I make the schedule

for all the flights
at the airline,

which is over 3,000 a day.

And by controlling
this tiny little robot,

I can actually repair
the heart valve from the inside

and with this procedure,

I save
over a hundred lives a year.

Sophie, who do you have
with you today?

- Uh, my hand wasn't up.
- That's OK.

Um, this is
my special friend, JJ.

- Excuse me.
- Ow!

God. I'm sorry, kid.

- Ah.
- Oh, God.

- Ow! That's my foot!
- Sorry.

Hi, everyone. Uh, my name is JJ.

Uh...

Professionally, I'm exploring
my options right now.

- Unemployed.
- Shh.

In my former line of work,
I was...

I took out garbage.

I took it out
all over the world, actually.

Oh, my God. Sad.

Manners, class. Everyone's
experiences are valuable, OK?

There's nothing
to be ashamed of.

She's so weird.
Why would she bring him?

When I said
I took out the garbage...

...I meant human trash.

The truth is

I'm a former Army Ranger

who now works for
secret operations

for a US intelligence agency

that may or may not
or may be the CIA.

Well, I'm not really
supposed to talk about it,

but I saw some judging
and some unkindness,

so I just wanted
to set the record straight.

But if any of this information
were to leave this room,

I will find you.

No, I'm just kidding.

Sort of.

- Have you ever been shot?
- Yes.

- Can we see the scars?
- Helen!

- Have you ever killed anyone?
- How many?

Look,
that's not what's important.

What you have
to remember here is,

is they were all bad guys,
you know?

Terrorists, hijackers,
kidnappers, human traffickers

or just really annoying.

Yeah, I really don't think
we need to be celebrating this.

Sit down, Hal.
You've had your turn.

And everything I did

was in the service
of keeping America safe.

...8, 9, 10.
Ready or not, here I come.

Found you.

- See you tomorrow, Sophie.
- See you, Emily.

- Hello, JJ.
- Hey, Ms Besser.

Oh, please, call me Pam.

I just wanted to tell you
how impressed I am

and how glad I was to get to
meet you today.

Thanks. My pleasure.

I think everyone
really enjoyed it.

Have a nice day.

- Well, see you around.
- Alright.

- Tear that up.
- What?

- You heard me.
- Yeah, but...

Conflict of interest.

- Now eat it.
- No!

- Hey, you guys.
- Mom!

- How'd it go today?
- We had the best day.

See you later, Sophie!

- 'Bye, JJ.
- See you.

I'm gonna 90 say 'bye
to my friends.

Sure.

Wow. Seems you made
quite the impression.

On everyone.

- Thank you for today.
- Yeah. Sure.

Sophie just seems so happy.

How's it going?

We had a deal.

I just wanted to say thank you

for coming to my school
last week.

You made a really big impression
on my friends and my mom.

Yeah, glad I could help...
for the last time.

- You're not married, are you?
- Why?

I'm trying to figure you out.
What's your real story?

Under the rough exterior,
you seem like a nice guy,

but sort of damaged and alone.

You gotta be kidding me.

- I'm thinking dead wife.
- No.

- Dead partner?
- No.

Led a group of buddies
into action,

made a bad call, lost them
and still haunted by it?

Will you stop?

Look, it's hard being deployed.

It's even harder on the people
that you leave at home.

The mission before last,
I got shot.

When I got home, my fiancee
left me. She couldn't take it.

My job's just...
It's better to be alone.

People always seem to get hurt,
one way or another.

So...

Why am I telling you all this?

And the fish is all you have
to remember her by?

- Nice talking to you.
- Wait!

What if I told you I was
thinking about being a spy too

when I grow up?

- Alright. Good luck with that.
- I'm serious.

You don't believe me?

Look, kid,
you're just not the spy type.

Oh, I see.

So, I should just stay in my box

and dream of being
maybe a barista

or a fashion designer
or a wedding planner?

Or maybe an ER nurse
like your mother?

You know, I was thinking
of asking Bobbi anyway.

She seems more like
the brains of the operation,

whereas you're more the brawn.

Who are you calling 'brawn'?
Bobbi's an analyst.

She doesn't have an ounce
of my training.

If anybody's gonna teach you,
it's gonna be...

Nicely done.

Don't do that again.

So, what's first?
Shooting range? Obstacle course?

They don't let 9-year-olds
into shooting ranges.

Where's the fun in that?

Now, we know
you're a pretty good liar,

but what if
you're caught by the enemy

and faced with
a lie detector test?

Why are we doing this?
She shouldn't even be in here.

Alright. The key is
to focus on your breathing.

The slightest increase
in your blood pressure

is an indicator that
you're not telling the truth.

We'll start with
something simple.

I'll ask you a question

and you'll answer with
an obvious lie.

I don't wanna see those needles
move. Is that clear?

Alright. Here we go.

So, when do I get
my first assignment?

When I decide
that you're ready.

- I am ready.
- Oh, yeah? Alright.

See that
apartment building there?

Yeah.

You know anybody
who lives there?

- No.
- 10 minutes.

I wanna see you on
one of those balconies.

You want me to talk my way into
some stranger's apartment?

Do you know how dangerous
that is?

You didn't have a problem
walking into my apartment.

I only need five minutes.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a KGB agent
posing as a fourth-grader.

My brother has three legs
and sells crack

and my mother is a prostitute.

I don't need a machine
to tell me if someone's lying.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. I can smell a lie.

Endorphins release an odour,
palms sweat

and the ultimate tell -
the slightest blink of an eye.

- That's all I need.
- You mean like this?

JJ, I think you're a really
sweet and sensitive person.

JJ, I admire
all of your tattoos.

Stop.

JJ, I believe you that
you've never taken steroids.

Jesus Christ!

JJ, stop. Seriously. For real.
I'm just joking.

Now, in any fight,
you need an element of surprise.

Now, you're tiny and weak
and I'm the opposite,

so the objective of this
exercise is to get past me.

Now, a good idea might be
to cause a distraction

because, otherwise,
there'd be zero chance of you...

Blueberry!

Blueberry! Oh, God. OK.

That's some cold-blooded shit.

So far, I could have learned
anything you've taught me

from YouTube.

Oh, yeah? Is that so?

I mean, when are you gonna
teach me the fun stuff,

like how to walk away from an
explosion without looking back

or what cool line you say
before you take someone out?

You need to stop getting
all your spy knowledge

from Mission: Impossible'.

But...

...if I was gonna say
a cool line,

I have to keep it real fresh.

You'd have a different line
for different bad guys?

Yep.

What if the assassin was
disguised as an ice-cream man?

I'd say, "Chill out." And then
I'd stab him with a freezer pop.

- A sidewalk Santa?
- "Jingle all the way... to hell."

A guy dressed up as a dog,
selling watches?

"Time's up, bitch."

- How was your day?
- It was good. Yours?

Fine.

- Something wrong?
- No.

Are you sure?

'Cause it seems like something
might be bothering you.

You helped train her how to pass
a lie detector, but not me.

I mean, I don't wanna be ageist
here, JJ, but she is nine.

She still sleeps
with a night-light.

I'm a professional hacker with
a Master's degree in English.

We just spent a little time
together.

I wasn't really teaching her
anything.

Oh, well, you taught her
how to place shaped charges.

- It was just Play-Doh.
- That's not the point.

- Should I get you some Play-Doh?
- I can get my own Play-Doh.

Are you sure? Because
I'd be happy to get you some.

Don't you make this about
the Play-Doh.

This is about us.
We're partners.

I already told you,
you are not my partner.

Hey!

Did you make dinner?

Let me just hop right on that.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Victor, what are you doing here?

Relax.

There's no signal
or surveillance

that this will not jam.

- What are you talking about?
- The CIA is all over you.

They're gonna be coming through
that door in two minutes,

which means you have exactly one
to give me what I need.

Anything.

Where did my brother
put the plans?

I don't know.

- I think you do.
- He didn't trust me.

He didn't trust anyone,
especially you.

All I heard him say was that
it was with his best friend.

His best friend?

Yes, but I don't know
who that is.

I do.

I gotta head out.

Hey. Are you OK?
What's the emergency?

We need to have 'the talk'.

Excuse me?

You got off on the wrong track
with my mom,

but I see the real you
and I think this can still work.

I've been doing some research.

'Cosmo' online says
you should be masculine,

but also sensitive
and emotionally vulnerable.

Sophie, what's going on?
Did you lie to get me here?

- Well...
- JJ, what are you doing here?

JJ wanted to come to our art
show and see some of my work.

- Apparently, he loves art.
- You do?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. I mean...

I mean, Sophie,
what you've done here...

...with the colour,
it's... it's amazing,

and you can actually tell that
that's a bird.

As opposed to
this piece of crap.

I mean, what the hell is that?

I mean, it looks like a hot dog
taking a dump on a cat.

That is...
That is horrible, right?

Right? That is so...

Let me finish.

I'm gonna run ahead, Mom.
I've got homework to do.

- Later, JJ.
- See you, kid.

Hey, I'm sorry for
what happened back there.

I have a knack of putting
my foot in my mouth.

Really? Hadn't noticed.

You get used to being alone

and, all of a sudden, you're not
good with people anymore.

Yeah. I guess I know
a little bit about that too.

But, you know, what is it
they say about parenting?

It's not just about
what you say.

It's about being there,
showing up.

Sophie hasn't had that
for a while.

Her dad passed away
about a year ago.

She keeps pretending she's OK,
but I can tell she's struggling.

No. She's tough like her mom.

- I don't know how tough I am.
- I do, believe me.

My balls still hurt.

So sorry about that.

Do you want to know a secret?

Yeah, sure.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm just winging it.

Yeah. Me too.

Oh, look at this little guy.

Ooh.
Oh, I think he's sick.

No, he just needs
a little help.

There you go, little guy.

You're gonna be just fine,
mi amigo.

Alright. There you go,
safe and sound.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe me just being here,
showing up,

was all that little guy needed.

Oh!

I... did not see that coming.

Oh, man. Poor bird.

- I had a thought.
- Yeah?

I happen to have
Thursday night off from work

and I wondered if you might
wanna grab a bite.

I promise not to cook.

Um...

Yeah.

- OK. Great.
- Yeah, that'd be great.

- See you later.
- Alright.

Have a good night.

- JJ!
- Hey.

What the heck happened?

- How did you turn that around?
- You were listening?

Honestly, I have no idea.

Not what I expected,
but you can't blow this now.

Restaurant ideas?

I jogged by this tapas bar
that has dancing.

Dancing? Show me something.

Floss? Dab? Crunk? Level Up?
Anything?

- No.
- We've come too far.

I am not letting you ruin this.

OK. Stop. No.

Are you having a stroke?

- It's not that bad.
- Promise me one thing.

I will let you take my mom
to dinner, but no dancing.

Don't risk it. We good?

You're very insensitive.

- Are... we... good?
- Yeah, we're good.

Good. Goodnight, JJ.

'Night, Sophie.
Thanks for the confidence boost.

You're welcome.

- What was the emergency?
- Uh, nothing, really.

Hm. Weird.
Anything I should know about?

OK.

..was wondering if maybe

you would like
to grab a bite with me.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?
What the hell are you thinking?

I wasn't thinking. It was this
adrenaline-charged moment.

- Her eyes were amazing.
- You are off the rails!

First, you take the kid skating,
then you go to show-and-tell,

and now you're going on a date

with the woman
we're supposed to be surveilling

and you're lying to me about it.

If I'm with her,
I'll know she's safe.

Well, dude, our job
isn't to keep her safe, OK?

It's to see if the bad guy
makes contact with her.

- That is our mission.
- There is no mission.

This is all nonsense.

There is no covert information
in that apartment,

just a broken family
and that is the truth.

The truth? We're gonna talk
about the truth, finally? Great!

Well, I know that
you lost your entire team

on your last deployment.

That's classified.

Yeah.
Well, I'm the tech, remember?

I can work around that -

something you might find useful
if you'd ever trust me,

but I get it.

You're the guy who's all closed
off, huh? "I work alone."

You're on thin ice.

Maybe you should
take Kate out to dinner

so you can get over
all that crap in your past

and see if
you still have a heart

underneath
that tattooed forest.

- Fine. I will.
- Great! Have a great dinner!

Well, that's not how
I intended that to go.

Hey, JJ! Got a sec?

Uh, got a date.

Yeah, we heard from Sophie.
She sent us the SOS.

Ooh. Shit's out of style.

Ain't that right, Todd?

Come on.

Come on, we're not gonna
bite you. Come on.

Kate's a very special lady.
Don't you agree?

- Definitely.
- Beautiful.

- Smart.
- Been through a lot, though.

Vulnerable, single mom.

Todd wants to know
what your intentions are.

We're just going out to dinner.

Todd was raised
by a single mother.

- The situation concerns him.
- Well, just dinner, Todd.

And this is just a friendly chat
between neighbours.

Let's not keep up
this cha... rade, JJ.

We know how men think, OK?

No. Guys, I'll treat her well.
I promise. You can trust me.

Alright.
How much time do we have?

I guess I can be a little late.
10 minutes?

10 minutes?! I'm not God.
This will never work.

Just cancel
and reschedule for May.

OK.

Todd's right. We can do this.

First, we gotta do something
about this shirt.

You look like you're
advertising Brawny Towels.

Who are you,
the Quicker Picker Upper?

Then we have to exfoliate.

I don't know what that means.

You guys are starting
to freak me out.

So, Sophie tells me you guys
just moved back from Paris.

Mm-hm.

Yeah. Um...

Yeah, when...
when her dad passed,

we stayed for a bit,
but it was hard.

Last year, the police raided
our house and took everything,

froze our accounts,
seized our assets.

Turned out that my husband was
involved in some very bad stuff

and, um, I didn't know.

Yeah, it's...

...it's scary what some people
can keep secret.

Ah, we meet again.

Where are we at?

Been together an hour 20.

Seems to be going well,
smiles on both sides.

Solid fashion choice.

- He looks handsome.
- What's with the shirt?

He got Queer-Eyed
by Todd and Carlos.

Sweet. Do you want audio?

- Do you have audio?
- What am I, like, nine?

No offence.

Just so nice
to be out with the grown-ups.

Sophie, if you ever
wanna share with me

what JJ taught you,
that'd be cool, but...

Ah, never mind.

Sure, I could teach you

if you teach me
how to tap a phone.

So, what about you?

What twist of fate brought you
across the hallway from us?

Kate, there's something...

There's something
I need to tell you.

Do you want to dance?

Because I haven't danced
in ages.

I don't think...

Correct. Don't think.
You should not.

Are you afraid?

- Oh, God.
- Let's do it.

- Yes!
- Let's do it.

- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes!

Alright, here we go.

Wait. Wait.

- Hey, watch it!
- Sorry, man. I'm so sorry.

Mm...

Oh, no. It's happening.

He's going to wind up
on the 'Today' show.

This looks like the wedding
at the end of 'Shrek'.

I had a lot of fun tonight.

Yeah, me too.

- Well, goodnight.
- 'Night.

Well, math story problems
can be tricky,

so you gotta break 'em down.

First, figure out
what they're asking you

and then you do the math.

- How'd you get that scar?
- That? Shrapnel.

Check this one.

Scooter.

Solid. Now concentrate, OK?

Was my dad a bad guy?

Um...

Yes. Yeah.

Uh, well, I think...

I think he made
some bad decisions,

especially about getting
involved with your uncle,

but if he helped make you,

he couldn't have been
all that bad, right?

Alright. Math.

Let's say there's 12 really bad
guys and I gotta take them down,

but I've got a partner.

If you divide a dozen bad guys
by the two of us,

how many bad guys do each of us
get to take down?

Well, 12 divided by 2 is 6,

but if your partner is Bobbi,

you're taking down all 12

and she's cheering you on
from the van.

Oh, but, wait, then seven more
bad guys surround your compound

and you don't know
which way to go

because your tech support
hates you and drove away,

so, oops, you're dead.

- Hi, Kate.
- Hey. Can I ask a favour?

- Um, yeah, OK.
- They just extended my shift.

Can you look in on Sophie?

I mean, I'm sure she'll be fine,
but it's a long time alone.

Yeah, no problem.

Thanks. You're a lifesaver.

Oh, can you make sure
she does her homework?

You got it.

Hi, Mom.

We finished homework,
so we made dinner.

- Yeah.
- What are we having?

Well, I can't cook,
so protein shakes.

- And grilled cheese sandwiches.
- That's right.

I got that.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

I know I should have called
before I stayed.

I didn't expect
to walk into this.

I'm sorry.
Sophie can be really convincing.

No, you're not in trouble.

I just...
I wanted to say thank you.

Aww!

You stumbling into our lives
has been a breath of fresh air.

Mom, where does this go?

I'll be back.

Oh, yeah, he's toast.

Where are my plans?

The clock is ticking.

Azar, you worry too much.

I've located them,
but I'm gonna need 24 hours.

Let's go inside.
There are eyes all around us.

I think Marquez has found
what he's looking for.

Move in. Now!

- Freeze!
- Don't move!

Get in.

Go!

We've got them pinned.
I want both teams...

- Must be pretty important.
- Oh, it is.

That's why I wanted
to do it here.

- The operation is over.
- What?

We closed in on Marquez
in Berlin.

So rather than be taken,
he blew himself up.

There are multiple bodies.

Forensics are sifting
through the mess.

So the mission's over

and we no longer need to be
watching the family.

OK, so I guess we'll go back
to Chicago and clear out?

You'll be doing more than that.

You'll also be clearing out
your desks here.

Oh, man. You tapped into
our hard drive.

Uh... that's kinda what we do.

That is not what it looks like.

That... I can explain that.

1 million hits?
Wow, that's...

...not the point.

Just one job.

Just one job. To sit and watch.

But no, you compromised
a mission

and broke protocol.

- That can't be tolerated!
- This wasn't Bobbi's fault.

- I took this...
- You guys are done.

Wow, I'm... I just...

And you couldn't just call us
in Chicago and tell us that

so we could clear out there?

You had to fly us out here
to tell us that?

That's very expensive.

Is email not working?

These are tax dollars.

Bobbi, when are you
gonna say something?

I mean, the whole flight back,
nothing.

You know?
Alright, fine, I was wrong.

I didn't listen. You warned me.

You know, say something.
Why aren't you mad at me?

'Cause you're my hero, dude.

I liked watching you become
a normal person.

Good luck.

- Hey! Hi, come on in.
- Hey. Alright.

So, where have you been?

Uh, yeah, I, uh...

I got some hopefully good news.

And some... some
potentially upsetting news.

- Oh.
- First the good news.

OK.

Kate...

I really like you. A lot.

You've opened up a part of me
that's been

closed off for
a really long time.

Well, let's just say
the feeling's mutual.

Um, the... potentially upsetting
news?

Oh, boy.

We're CIA.

I'm so sorry.

Kate...

- How stupid.
- Kate...

Kate.

- Where are they?
- Kate...

God!

You're good, JJ.
You are really good!

With all your... your stories.

And Sophie!

I was trying to protect you.

JJ?

Sophie, go to your room.

- Please.
- Wait, Mom.

Don't be mad. I can explain.

You knew about this?

Sophie...

How could you?!

It's my job, Kate.

Leave.

Sophie...

What have I done?

You were right this whole time.

Oh, I was.

I let it get personal.

With the kid and Kate.

I was weak.

I mean, personal
isn't a weakness.

In your case,
it ruined your career

and threatened
national security,

but most people do have
personal relationships.

Not me.

I have a fish.

How's he doing?

Not so good.

I'm also just a girl...

...standing in front of a boy...

...asking him to love her.

It's the saddest movie ever.

I used walking Ozzie as a decoy
to get to see you.

That was smart.

You shouldn't be here.

I made this for you.

It's not a fish,
so it won't die on you.

You can keep it forever.

Come on. Let me walk you back.

We're not going to see
each other again,

are we?

I'll, uh...

I'll check on you
from time to time, OK?

I'm never gonna forget you, OK?
Promise.

Mom? Mom, are you OK?
What happened?

Sophie, go play.

Whoa! Holy crap!

Isn't this cute?

Little Sophie has a new
play date from the CIA.

Sit down.

Why don't you just 90, Victor?
Please, just leave.

The CIA is watching us. They're
gonna be here any minute.

No, I took care of that
with some explosives

and an old building
with a tunnel system

left over from World War II.

Good boy.

It's not gonna hold forever,
but...

...I only need a day.

Don't hurt him!
This little guy?

I would never hurt him.

He means more to me
than any of you do.

He's my brother's best friend.

Hey!

Oh, my God. What do I do?

Oh, I'm gonna touch!

Ahh!

Great, teach the kid.
No need to show me anything.

It's all there.

Hello, family!

Door was open.
Todd made his famous hummus.

- No, you guys need to leave.
- Yeah, I have family over.

Y'all are being extremely rude.

You know how hard it is
making hummus from scratch?

Leave now.

OK, that's it. Now you've hurt
Todd's feelings. Todd?

I can't believe this.

How'd you guys know?

We'll take that, JJ.

I'd prefer not to put holes in
a pretty thing like you.

- OK, I'm confused.
- You're in on this?

Is there anyone in this building

who's not lying
about who they are?

We're independent
contractors.

When the plans didn't hit the
market after your husband died,

we figured they must be here.

We decided to play
the long game.

No-one ever suspects
the gay couple next door.

Sorry, you're lying about
being gay too?!

Oh, no, we're gay.

We fell in love through
this mission, though.

It's really a cute story.

We found out we both
have a passion

for ceviche
and long-range missiles.

Oh, and you were good too.

We expected CIA surveillance
but it never occurred to us

that someone would actually
get involved with their target.

But enough of that.
The drive, JJ.

It's nothing personal, honey.
We're still friends.

Wow.

Ozzie!

- JJ!
- No!

No!

I'm on Marquez!

Freeze!

I will shoot you right in your
beautifully botoxed face.

We both know you don't have what
it takes to pull that trigger.

Oh, bitch, you don't know me.

You're not very good at
the gun thing, buttercup.

Maybe.

But you know
what I'm really good at?

Kicking...

Um...

...uh, kicking...

Let me go! Let me go!

JJ! JJ!

...ass.

Get in!

Uncle Victor,
why are you doing this?

You're my insurance.
And don't call me 'uncle'.

Your father and I hated
each other. I'm not your family.

I wanna go home. Take me back.

Shut up! Not another word.

Bobbi, you there?
Can you get eyes on?

Yeah! Yeah, I just gotta
get a lock on the satellite.

It'll just take a minute.

I have her on Find My iPhone.
Going west on 88th.

May I suggest keeping
your eyes on the road?

- Or sidewalk!
- Hey, you crazy...

- What the hell is on that drive?
- Nuclear, end-of-world stuff.

It's still not a good reason
for lying to me!

Totally right.
Not a good reason.

I got you on satellite.

Looks like they're headed
to Naperville.

- There's an airfield there.
- On it.

In a quarter of a mile,
turn left.

Are you using Waze?!

Yes! Your driving's
frightening me.

Let me go!

Don't move.

- Kate, I wouldn't.
- Hold on!

You have reached
your destination.

Whoa. Not what I expected.

Actually, I...
I didn't expect that either.

Don't let him
leave with her!

What are you gonna do?

I'm working on it!

Who builds a runway
at the edge of a cliff?!

What the hell?

You messed with the wrong dude.

We'll see about that.

Don't worry, Sophie.
He ain't getting by me.

You're starting to piss me off.

I shoot this fuel
and everybody dies.

Then let's make this quick.

Is it just me
or does this seem familiar?

I'm a little busy right now!

No, I mean, the propeller
and the fuel tank.

It's like all we're missing
is Nazis.

Stop talking!

No! No!

JJ!

Sophie!

Do not move!

JJ, I'm scared!

Don't look down!

Just look at me.

Sophie.

We need to balance out the plane
or it's gonna fall.

- What?
- I need you go to out the front.

I'm gonna go out the back
and meet you on the wing, OK?

Just move slow
and don't look down.

You can do it, OK?

OK.

Ahh!

Stop!

Sophie, I'll take that.

Sophie, don't do it.

Sweetheart,

you just throw it to me
and I promise

that I'll let you and
your new friend live.

Sophie, no.

I don't care about
some stupid plans, JJ.

Let him have it.

Good girl.

But I lied.

Guess that runs in the family.

Not on my side.

Have a nice flight, dick.

"Have a nice flight, dick"?

Give me a break. I was nervous.

Not bad, kid.

JJ, it's gonna blow.

Go, go. Go!

JJ, wait!

Sophie!

Please.

What are you guys doing?!

It's a dud.

Where's the fun in that?

That's OK. Thanks.

Don't tell anyone I did this.

What the hell? You just
walk around with that thing?

Alright, guys.

Seriously, seriously. Put a pin
in the applause. Knock it off.

Well, we're facing a lot of
exposure over how this went down

but you should know the family
really went to bat for you.

Way to pull it
outta the fire.

Thanks.

So we've been giving it
a lot of thought, and, um...

- We'd like you back.
- Yes!

And I'm giving you your pick of
assignments. Wherever you want.

Well, I was thinking about
not travelling for a bit.

- Keep it domestic?
- Somewhere in Chicago, maybe?

Maybe.

But I gotta clear it
with my partner.

Really?
Yeah. Chicago?

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

Um... wow!

I'd like to be back in the van,
actually.

- No more guns.
- No.

And if we're really partners,

then I should get
equal pay with JJ.

Yeah, me too.

- Equal pay.
- Mm-hm.

Um...

...I'm gonna have to talk to
someone upstairs about that.

There is no upstairs.
We are on the top floor.

- Looking good, JJ.
- Thank you, honey.

I'd have to agree.

Eww! No!

Oh! Uh, Sophie,
we're gonna play tag. Come on!

Be right there.

Being popular can be
a real time suck.

Have fun, kid.

Oh, God.

Please no.

Been practising, bitches!

OCR'd and corrected by
explosiveskull