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1
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:03,400
[intense orchestral music playing]
2
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,360
Teaching is a stressful vocation,
isn't it, Miss?
3
00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:27,640
Silence, Mobeen Deen.
4
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,760
What I did there was recreate
the power that words,
5
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,760
represented by the pen,
6
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,960
can have on pupils,
represented by the doll.
7
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,400
Racist pupils if we're properly accurate.
8
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,440
Aqsa, you were indulging
in threatening behaviour.
9
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:49,160
I must say, Miss, only after
she was racially abused herself, so...
10
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,720
We are dealing with that element,
11
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,680
but as the other student herself
is half Pakistani,
12
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:55,400
it's complicated.
13
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,800
-[exhales] That is complicated, innit?
-[Aks] Mobeen!
14
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,760
[Mrs Cuthbert] I will not tolerate
threats of violence in my school.
15
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,920
This is the third time in the last week.
16
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,480
I'm going to have to exclude
Aqsa from sixth form.
17
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:06,640
Miss, hey, please...
18
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,040
Third... Third time this week?
19
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,800
Has anything at home changed
in the last few weeks?
20
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,800
-Well.
-Nothing. Nothing has changed whatsoever.
21
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,680
Everything is the same, Miss.
Look, listen,
22
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,320
if we exclude the youth of today,
23
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,120
where does that leave the future?
24
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:23,640
You always could talk your way
25
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,320
-out of trouble, couldn't you, Mobeen?
-I mean...
26
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,160
But, Aqsa, I need you to make a commitment
to better behaviour.
27
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,240
Give Miss your commitment.
28
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,760
I give you my commitment.
29
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:33,880
We promise.
30
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:36,880
I promise you.
31
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,400
-I know promises are sacred in Islam.
-Yes, they are.
32
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,480
So, don't let me and Allah down.
33
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,920
Yeah, listen, Miss,
I'm not sure if I'm comfortable
34
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,200
with you putting yourself
in the same bracket
35
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,680
as the one true God and that, but...
36
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,400
-Thank you...
-Mm-hm.
37
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,200
...and thank you!
38
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,800
[singing in Urdu]
39
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,000
-Thank you, Miss.
-Thank you, Miss.
40
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,120
-Thank you, Allah.
-Thank you, Allah. [chuckles]
41
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,760
So, have you ever...
42
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,000
considered converting to Islam?
43
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,480
Get out, Mobeen, before I change my mind.
44
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,120
Mobeen, before you go,
45
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,040
I thought I'd let you know
about Mr Tilley.
46
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,240
Mr Tilley, my favourite teacher.
47
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,880
Sorry, after you. Of course,
you were my favourite teacher. How is he?
48
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,360
Let's just say he's gone
to the big school in the sky.
49
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,520
-Who did it?
-Mainly his two oldest friends,
50
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:27,760
Lambert & Butler.
51
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,840
Lambert and... Cigarettes.
52
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,160
That's so sad, isn't it?
He was my guy, you know.
53
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:36,600
He gave me an A-star for my lollipop stick
statue of the Eiffel Tower.
54
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:37,760
What a guy. It was really good.
55
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,880
Yes, he always was an overgenerous marker.
56
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,480
-[sniggers]
-The funeral is on Friday afternoon,
57
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,200
and I'm sure his widow would love to see
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00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,440
his former students in attendance.
59
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:47,760
Of course, we'll be there,
60
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,360
and also, no more drama from this one.
61
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,000
Say "no more drama" there to Miss.
62
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,600
Yeah, no more drama, Miss.
63
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,120
-I'll see you both on Friday then.
-Mm.
64
00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:01,480
-Mobeen.
-Me, on my own and that? Yes, Miss.
65
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,800
This is a chance for you
to demonstrate commitment,
66
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,760
-set an example to Aqsa.
-Huh.
67
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,600
I'm sure you two won't let me down.
68
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:11,920
Never.
69
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,160
We wouldn't want there to be
any, uh, consequences.
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[whispers] Consequences.
71
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,960
Bye. [chuckles]
72
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:24,800
See you at the funeral.
73
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,800
[chuckles] See you there.
74
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,360
[suspenseful music playing]
75
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,520
If you're going to show me
you're all about this life,
76
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,360
then you must prove it.
77
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,040
Do it!
78
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,840
[groans] Ah! I can't.
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[Khan] Mobeen!
80
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,520
-[goat bleats]
-Ji, uncle?
81
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,120
No, no, no, I think killing goats
is cruel. I'm not doing that.
82
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,760
Oh, you don't say that when you're eating
your goat curry, do you?
83
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,720
Well, obviously, uncle. That's because
Billard the butcher shanks the goat
84
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,080
before I get to the curry.
85
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:05,560
A fair point.
86
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,400
But, uncle, listen to me, yeah...
87
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,680
I mean... Shit!
88
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,560
Only a real thug would deal
with this goat in your office.
89
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,520
Okay, fine. I'll do it.
90
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,920
Oh.
91
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,280
[bleats]
92
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,240
[Mobeen] Why are you creeping up on it?
93
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:27,720
It looks like you're going to shag it,
not shank it.
94
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:29,840
[bleats]
95
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,960
Hey. I'm sorry.
96
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,960
-[bleats loudly]
-[gasps]
97
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,480
-[screaming]
-[laughs]
98
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,240
[Naveed] It's in my foot! It's in my foot.
99
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,280
-Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait!
-[goat bleats]
100
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:52,680
[Naveed] Wait, wait, wait!
101
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,120
I have to do it.
102
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:58,160
[screaming]
103
00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,480
-[goat bleats]
-Get it off.
104
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,880
[Naveed screams]
105
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,280
Oh, oh...
106
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,400
[Naveed gasps]
107
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,320
This is why one day you'll be
running all of this, my son.
108
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,400
Hey, I don't mean to interrupt,
but this actually looks quite serious.
109
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,360
Yeah. Listen, uncle,
no, I won't be, yeah?
110
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,280
And if this week's episode of
Bear Grylls Does Small Heath
111
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,800
is finished now,
can you tell me why I'm here?
112
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,320
Yeah, look, I have
a very important job for you.
113
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,720
Fine, I'll call the ambulance myself.
114
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,440
You see, there's some new kids
on the block. The Maynards.
115
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,640
You know, they've grown to power
by taking out some of my old connects.
116
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:36,000
Hello, yeah, I've just been stabbed
by a goat and...
117
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,920
Look, I want you to make sure
they sell my maal.
118
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,000
Uncle, listen, that's a big deal.
119
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,440
You should really make that connect
yourself, so they know the rules,
120
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,240
-know who you are.
-No, no, no, no.
121
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,640
You know how to talk
to these young black boys.
122
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,600
Uncle, you're sounding
very racist right now.
123
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,360
And he's making you sound
like a bit of a paedo.
124
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,200
Shut up, Naveed,
before I get that goat back in here.
125
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,160
Yeah.
126
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,840
I'm not comfortable with getting involved
in this drug chug stuff,
127
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,520
because it hurts people, it damages lives.
128
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,160
-I don't want nothing to do with it.
-You owe me 25,000, okay?
129
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:07,840
So, you will do as I tell you.
130
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,200
[Naveed] Listen,
there's a hole in my foot.
131
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,920
Mobeen, I know you're trying
to be a good Muslim.
132
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,560
Uncle Qassam, I really am, yeah...
Hard, I'm trying.
133
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,880
Yeah, well you're fucking failing
on that big-time.
134
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,480
So, I tell you what.
135
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,960
You set up this deal for me,
136
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,800
and I will write off the 25 grand,
137
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:29,440
and then, maybe...
maybe you'll never have to see me again.
138
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,800
If I do this one deal for you...
139
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:33,880
-we're done?
-Yeah.
140
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,160
Okay, so you go and meet the Maynards
this Friday, 2:30.
141
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:39,920
2:30 this Friday?
142
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,240
I can't because I've got to go
to my old teacher's funeral
143
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,760
and that's really important.
144
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,840
[laughing]
145
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,480
[grunting]
146
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,440
The next funeral you will go to will be
that tall, lanky Nigerian friend of yours.
147
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,160
Now, you meet the Maynards,
148
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,840
-2:30, this Friday!
-Okay, okay, okay.
149
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,720
-Go on!
-I'll go with him.
150
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:03,800
[yells] No!
151
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,640
You do not go anywhere near that meeting.
152
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,600
I do not even want to see you
in this office again.
153
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,840
You are a complete waste of fucking food.
154
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,320
Oh, oh, oh, fucking hell.
155
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,160
My goodness, that was harsh,
wasn't it, hey?
156
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,880
Hey, Naveed, listen to me.
157
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,760
It's okay to cry.
158
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:31,920
-Is it?
-Yeah.
159
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,720
There's no room for this
toxic masculinity, bro,
160
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,120
not even in the thug life.
161
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,280
Could you call an ambulance, please?
It really hurts.
162
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,560
I need you to take a deep breath,
get yourself together,
163
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,360
-and stop being a wet lulli...
-[groans]
164
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:46,560
And get on with it!
165
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,240
Eight! Nate! Come here.
166
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:53,880
What is it?
167
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,000
Cousin, I didn't know
they were your socks.
168
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,720
Oh, just come here. I love you two.
169
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,120
[Nate] So, what's all this about?
170
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,800
[Eight] Never stop, though, because
your side boob feels lovely.
171
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,440
What a bunch of chocolate gays!
172
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,840
[Eight and Nate clear throats]
173
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,480
I've just been thinking about death.
174
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,560
-Huh?
-Huh?
175
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:13,840
Why? Who's after you?
176
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:15,520
-Mr Tilley.
-Mr Tilley?
177
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:16,800
Mr Tilley is after you?
178
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,520
He gave me an A-star for my toilet roll
statue of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
179
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,000
-He gave you an A-star as well?
-Well, yeah, that was shit, though.
180
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,080
Do you remember?
It wasn't even straight.
181
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,600
-It was, like, wonky.
-Hey!
182
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:26,120
-He's dead.
-What?
183
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,480
Oh, no.
184
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,240
Oh.
185
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,000
May our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ,
rest his soul.
186
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,320
Ameen.
187
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,240
-Amen.
-Ameen.
188
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,200
Easy mistake to make. Amen.
189
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,120
Yeah, I respect that.
But it's Ameen, so...
190
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,680
It's definitely Amen when you think
about it, though, innit?
191
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,920
Okay...
[recites] Ameen.
192
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,280
-Good one, innit, it's Ameen.
-Yeah, exactly.
193
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,040
Listen, anyway, Mr Tilley's funeral
service is this Friday.
194
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,040
I want you to talk me through the service,
because I want to be respectful.
195
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,400
What kind of church is it?
196
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,120
A white people church, innit?
197
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,920
I don't know how they get down.
198
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,880
Well, let's mess this up together then.
199
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,560
Amen.
200
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,640
It's Ameen. How many times I say it?
201
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,400
Uncle, which one do you use?
202
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,000
I couldn't give two shit.
203
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,080
What's this?
204
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,080
It's for my goat injury.
205
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,560
Okay.
206
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:28,920
Naveed.
207
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,640
So, what's going on?
208
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,280
I'm a disgrace.
209
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:52,040
Look at me.
I've had four pain au chocolat.
210
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,120
Four of them?
211
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,840
I can't even roll a joint.
212
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,600
I've ruined a whole Argos catalogue.
213
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,840
-Naveed, listen to me.
-[sniffles]
214
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,480
Would you like to know a secret?
215
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:09,440
-Hm?
-What?
216
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,960
I... I can't roll joints either.
217
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:15,880
-Really?
-Yes.
218
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,320
Yes, that's true.
219
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,760
I want you to know, mate,
220
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,520
see this roadman shit,
221
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,920
it's... it's just a fallacy.
222
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,320
Naveed, me, you, your uncle,
223
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,240
we are all faking it until we make it.
224
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,160
Here's what I need you to do.
I need you to wipe off
225
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,600
the pain au chocolat crumbs,
226
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,120
go on, give them a wipe.
227
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,560
Yeah, that's it, yeah, get rid of them.
228
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,160
Throw away the marijuana,
229
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,600
because you, my friend,
230
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,400
are going to stall the Maynards.
231
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,480
Me, stall the Maynards?
232
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,560
You are going to stall the Maynards.
I can only trust you to do that.
233
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,680
You really think I can stall the Maynards?
234
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,040
I know
235
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,280
you can stall the Maynards.
236
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,440
-2:30, though, be there, okay?
-Yeah.
237
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,080
Just honestly stall them though,
yeah, please?
238
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:07,160
-2:30?
-Yeah?
239
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,880
-Yeah.
-I believe in you. Ho-ho. Big Naveed.
240
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,920
Stop patronising me, you fat prick.
241
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,680
[Mobeen] I do love the architecture
on churches of this era, beautiful.
242
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:29,240
Listen, you know, if you go inside,
does that mean we're going to go to Hell?
243
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,280
Don't be silly.
244
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,560
But listen, yeah,
245
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,200
their version of Jesus are very white,
brother,
246
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,520
looks like Chris Hemsworth swallowed
a Polish builder and that,
247
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,560
-and we all know the truth, my friends.
-Yeah.
248
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,560
Black Jesus, for life!
249
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,320
[speaking in Urdu]
250
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,520
[in English] Mobeen and the Spicy Girls.
How you doing?
251
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,640
Officer Harper, what you doing here?
252
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,640
I've come to pay
my respects to Mr Tilley.
253
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,400
He was a pillar of the local community.
254
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,520
Are you wagging the afternoon off work?
255
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,600
How dare you, Moonbean, I'm on duty.
256
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,040
But yeah, I'm wagging the afternoon.
257
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,800
Ah! I knew it. Come on, then.
258
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,400
[sighs] Go on, then.
259
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,320
You look very handsome.
260
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:13,200
This is the house of God, Arslan.
261
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,320
Stop coming on to me.
262
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,240
I wasn't doing that.
263
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,040
[in Urdu] Hore sex kar please, huh?
264
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,720
-[in English] Entirely the wrong place.
-I wouldn't do that.
265
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,040
-Do we have to say anything, bro?
-Nah.
266
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,280
It's all right, yeah?
267
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,880
Mobeen, Aqsa, glad you didn't let me down.
268
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,400
-Nathaniel.
-Miss.
269
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,640
Good to see you.
270
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:36,360
Arslan.
271
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,920
Did they ever figure out
what was wrong with you?
272
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,800
No, but I'm still having tests, Miss,
273
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,680
when I remember to go
to the appointments, innit.
274
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,280
Miss, if you could point us
in the direction of Mr Tilley's widow,
275
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,600
We've got a very busy afternoon.
276
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:52,920
We're all busy, Mobeen,
277
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:54,960
but don't worry, there will be
plenty of time
278
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,480
to see her over the next few hours.
279
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,320
Miss, I don't think we've got a few hours.
280
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,600
You wouldn't want me to question your,
281
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:04,120
or more importantly, Aqsa's commitment,
282
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,320
-would you, Mobeen?
-No.
283
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,760
[church organ playing hymn]
284
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,480
[speaking slowly] So interesting to see
285
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,880
someone like you at the service.
286
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,000
Okay...
287
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,760
And who do you worship?
288
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,200
I am a Christian, we just do things
differently at my church.
289
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,920
I can imagine.
290
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,040
Is there a lot of voodoo?
291
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,280
[speaking in Urdu]
292
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,560
[in English] Officer Harper,
why are you wearing a strap to a funeral?
293
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,480
Listen, Moonbean, when you walk around
wearing this uniform,
294
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,160
protection is very important.
295
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:00,920
Are you wearing a condom?
296
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,880
Has he ever been tasered?
297
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,160
No, but I would support
that police brutality.
298
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,520
I'm going to tell that one up there
that Harper is wearing a condom.
299
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,960
What do you... What do you call him?
300
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,440
Father.
301
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,920
Dad!
302
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,800
[whispers] Dad,
Harper is wearing a condom.
303
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,760
Sorry for your loss... [speaking in Urdu]
304
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,200
[intense orchestral music playing]
305
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,680
-Tammy.
-Mobes.
306
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:45,880
Oh, mate.
307
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,720
Listen, you are giving me life right now.
308
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,600
Oh, poor old Mr Tilley, eh?
309
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,600
You know, he gave me an A-star
310
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,920
for my pot noodle model of
the Great Wall of China.
311
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,160
He was a generous marker
of students' work, it turns out.
312
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,040
Cheeky. Is your mouth still getting you
into trouble then?
313
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,400
Listen, mate, more than you can imagine
since school, flipping heck.
314
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,720
Time flies.
315
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,920
I don't think I've seen you
after you got expelled.
316
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,720
No, and I don't think I saw you after...
317
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,000
Did everything work out?
318
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,920
Yeah, yeah, you know,
she's healthy, beautiful.
319
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,640
-Yeah.
-Pain in the bloody neck now.
320
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,320
-Teenagers, innit?
-Oh, have you got one?
321
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,600
-It's complicated.
-[Aks] Mobeen.
322
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:24,920
Speak of the devil...
323
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,560
Sorry to disturb this week's episode
of The Undateables,
324
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,000
but do you know who that is?
325
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,120
Yes, that's my mate from school.
326
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,080
Oh, really?
Well, tell her congratulations.
327
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,200
-For what?
-Producing the most racist little cow
328
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:41,440
known to mankind.
329
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,760
That's her daughter?
330
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,160
God damn!
331
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,600
[woman clears throat]
332
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,720
God damn those who don't believe in Jesus,
333
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,840
but the real black one, peace be upon him.
334
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,840
-Are you sure?
-Yes, so stop fraternising with the enemy.
335
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,360
Mum, this is Mobeen.
We went to school together.
336
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,040
I have no interest in
meeting anyone like him.
337
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,880
They're all the same.
338
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,040
Drug dealers and murderers.
339
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,080
I'm so sorry, Mobeen.
340
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:20,840
Why? She seems lovely.
341
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:26,680
She's just got a problem ever since
Shannon's dad, with Pakistanis.
342
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,480
Complicated, yeah.
343
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:33,040
Yeah. I mean, it's no excuse, but yeah.
Complicated.
344
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,560
[mobile vibrates]
345
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,160
-I'll see you in a minute, yeah?
-Yeah.
346
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,200
Shit!
347
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,880
Yes, hello. What are the Maynards saying?
348
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,640
I don't know.
I'm not there yet.
349
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:47,920
Where are you?
350
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,360
I'm at home, making sure
they take me seriously.
351
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,640
-I'm getting prepared.
-Getting prepared how?
352
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,280
By ironing my polo neck.
353
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,560
Polo neck! Who the fuck are you, Shaft?
354
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,560
You better get there before they do.
355
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:06,680
[Aks] That's not true.
356
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,520
What I said is fact,
and facts can't be racist.
357
00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:11,919
She's a buddi kutti,
just like her granddaughter!
358
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,240
I am not. How dare you!
359
00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:16,039
Where have you been?
Selling heroin to the priest?
360
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,879
God, I have nothing to do with
these people's sinful ways in your house.
361
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,120
Don't put your hands on the coffin.
362
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,120
Probably getting drunk on their own piss.
363
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,480
-Is he all right?
-He's not, but to be fair to him,
364
00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:26,919
we all thought that when we were kids.
365
00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:28,959
We thought that's why
it's called getting pissed,
366
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,560
because it's made out of your own piss.
367
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,040
Proper pishaap, innit? Yuck!
368
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,440
But only he believed it after
primary school, so...
369
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,880
Your sort are taking over our country.
370
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,720
When we had our stupid
diversity drive at work,
371
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,200
I had to make a full halal menu.
372
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,640
It took me two days to find halal lettuce.
373
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,440
-Sorry, halal lettuce?
-Yeah.
374
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,200
Don't put your hands on the coffin.
375
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:51,800
Mobeen, isn't lettuce
always halal, though?
376
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,520
Enough, okay.
377
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,000
Listen, Shannon's dad's Pakistani, yeah?
378
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,680
And when his parents found out
you were pregnant, they flipped.
379
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,360
Pretty much.
380
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,640
Yeah, some brown people can be racist.
381
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,440
-Not as racist as her.
-No.
382
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,120
And I can imagine some of the things
that they said.
383
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,480
White girls are like this,
gori are like that.
384
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,720
That's exactly what they said.
385
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,880
And that is disgusting, yeah,
386
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,560
but we're not all like that.
387
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:17,720
I am.
388
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,200
Every time, poo is coming out.
389
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,440
[slams hand] Don't put your hands
on the coffin.
390
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,760
So, listen, what I'm trying
to say is, yeah...
391
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:30,280
[sighs] You are breeding
the same mentality into your granddaughter
392
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,600
that they bred into their son.
393
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:37,440
So, we can carry on hating each other,
or we can choose to be better.
394
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:39,800
Go on, Moonbean.
395
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:43,920
-What do you think, Paula?
-No.
396
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,840
-Can you just arrest her, please?
-I can mace her.
397
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,040
That would be lovely.
398
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,440
Well done, Mobeen.
399
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,360
I hope you've seen the value of
commitment to a cause.
400
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,120
-I have, Miss, yeah.
-[Mrs Cuthbert] Huh.
401
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,280
Now that we've managed to cure
the whole world of racism forever,
402
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,240
shall we lay Mr Tilley to rest?
403
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,400
[mobile vibrates]
404
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,400
Listen, baby girl, I've got to go
but I'll leave you with these lot, yeah?
405
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,600
Yeah, thanks.
406
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:17,840
Sit down.
407
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,600
-Alayhi-salaam, J.
-Salaam, Mobeen.
408
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,320
-Long time, my brother.
-Yeah, man.
409
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,360
Yeah. Is this you man, yeah?
410
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,280
Just a little something, A to B, you know.
411
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:45,680
-You've never met my brother, no?
-No.
412
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,520
Blood, you ain't never met me
because I'm not here to be met.
413
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,000
Good afternoon, though.
414
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,640
Is he all right, this one?
415
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,360
We've got a lot to discuss,
but first things first,
416
00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,880
why is a guy in a turtle neck?
417
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,320
Oh, God.
418
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,600
[with Jamaican accent]
Me wear what me wear.
419
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:04,880
-Why does he talk like that?
-[laughs]
420
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,000
Me talk how me talk.
Now, let's talk business.
421
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,840
[Shurwin] Yo, hush your gums
and hop along, blood.
422
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:10,720
This is big man conversation.
423
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,240
You don't talk to me like that.
Do you know who my uncle is?
424
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,680
No, but I know who your aunty is.
425
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,480
[laughs] That was quick, Shur.
426
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,840
-[Mobeen] Allow it, Nav, please.
-You told me to stall them.
427
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,680
Wait, stall who? Do we look like the
kind of people to be stalled?
428
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,600
Is that what you think of us, Mobeen?
429
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,600
That is not what I think of you, man,
you know that.
430
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,200
Listen, we've been having
a rough day, yeah?
431
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,720
Things ain't been
running smoothly and that,
432
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,520
so let's just talk about how
we can make you two
433
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,480
the next kingpins of Ladywood, yeah?
434
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,480
[Naveed] These two? Kingpins of Ladywood?
435
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,800
Even your ends sound like
a woman with an erection.
436
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,560
-[gasps]
-Woah, woah, woah.
437
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,000
You know what?
You better shut your mouth
438
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,640
before I go to the whip
and get the burner.
439
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,320
-No need.
-You're gonna let them get away with that?
440
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,640
Mobeen, he's disrespecting me,
441
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,360
-you've got to do something.
-[yells] Naveed!
442
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,520
Shut up! You're a joke. Just go.
443
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,560
Jovell,
444
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,760
Shurwin, I apologise, yeah?
445
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,280
Can we just get down to business, okay?
446
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,800
You move weight for Khan,
with the power he's got in the city,
447
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:07,920
you two are set for life.
448
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,640
All you've got to do is just
play your part.
449
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,760
-Mobeen.
-Oh, my God.
450
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,720
Mobes, Mobes,
they're serving peach cobbler.
451
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,320
-Not now.
-[Eight] It's halal.
452
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,000
Hi.
453
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,720
Every time I turn my back,
you're meeting more new men.
454
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:21,800
It's not like that.
455
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,080
Hey! You think I'm not man enough
for road, yeah?
456
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,720
Well, look what I found in your whip.
457
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:27,920
Yeah, that's right.
458
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,160
How's it going to feel getting blasted
by your own strap?
459
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,640
-Oh, shit.
-[Naveed] And you!
460
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,400
You pussyhole!
Am I saying that right, yeah?
461
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,240
You, my uncle, you lot never respected me,
462
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,520
but now, I'm not a joke now, am I,
Mobeen, huh?
463
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,480
You better put some
respect on my name, yeah?
464
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,760
Put some respect on me name. I--
465
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,480
[gasps]
466
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,400
[splutters]
467
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000
[screams]
468
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,240
-[screams]
-Mobeen.
469
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,120
-Run!
-[Nate screaming]
470
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,320
Yo, that's my gun,
my prints are all over it.
471
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,280
Armed police. Get your fucking hands
in the air now! Hands in the air!
472
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,800
[screaming]
473
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,320
-Shurwin!
-No!
474
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,560
I told you they were
drug dealers and murderers.
475
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,880
[Tammy] Oh, shut up.
476
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,280
That fed is dead.
477
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:35,760
Let's go, let's go.
478
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:37,800
[Jovell] You're dead, Harper.
479
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,000
[music playing]
36261
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