Original subtitles

- NOW THE REASON WE'RE HERE

IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER

WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM

EVERYBODY STAND UP

OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD

SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

- I WAS THINKING A TIFFANY'S KEY CHAIN,

BUT SINCE WE BOTH LOVE HORROR MOVIES

I THOUGHT THIS MADE MORE SENSE.

- IT'S PERFECT.

BUT I DIDN'T GET YOU ANYTHING.

- EH.

- OH! I DID GET WAXED THIS MORNING.

- BEST GIFT EVER.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT.

- CAN'T WAIT.

JAMES, I'M MOVING IN WITH CHARLIE TONIGHT.

- YEAH, FINALLY.

- I KNOW. RIGHT?

I'VE NEVER LIVED WITH A GUY BEFORE.

- NO. NO, NO, NO.

FINALLY, I MEAN, SOMEBODY'S OPENING UP TO ME.

THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME

NOT JUST AS AN UNAPPROACHABLE MASTER CHEF,

BUT A HUMAN BEING.

- YOU KNOW I'M ONLY TELLING YOU

BECAUSE ANNIE'S ON MATERNITY LEAVE, RIGHT?

- THAT'S OKAY, I'M ONLY BEING NICE TO YOU

BECAUSE I'M THREE DAYS CLEAN.

ONE DAY AT A TIME, RIGHT?

TOMORROW I COULD WAKE UP IN A DUMPSTER,

BUT TODAY...I CARE.

- OH, LUIS, I'M MOVING IN WITH CHARLIE THIS WEEKEND.

- AFTER TWO MONTHS? THAT'S VERY LESBIAN OF YOU.

- I KNOW, BUT I'M HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND YOU KNOW, WHY WAIT?

- BECAUSE YOUR PATTERN IS TO RUN SCREAMING

THE MINUTE THINGS GET HARD.

- NOT THIS TIME. IT'S DIFFERENT WITH CHARLIE.

I'M NOT EVEN KEEPING MY APARTMENT AS A SAFETY NET.

- OOH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

- RIGHT? IT'S A MISTAKE.

- I'M SORRY, WHO ASKED YOU?

WHY DOES STUPID ANNIE HAVE TO BE ON STUPID MATERNITY LEAVE?

- [chuckles] - ON US, GUYS.

- SO...

- SEE, THIS IS WHY I MISS ANNIE.

BECAUSE EVEN IF I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE,

SHE USED TO TELL ME EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO.

- THEY LIE TO YOUR FACE?

- WE'RE DONE TALKING.

I AM COOL AND CONFIDENT ABOUT THIS DECISION.

YES, I KNOW YOU ONLY GAVE BIRTH FOUR DAYS AGO,

BUT I'M PANICKING. - OH, YOU'RE PANICKING?

I AM LEAKING MILK.

EVERYONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND I HAD THIS BABY FOR MY SISTER

EXCEPT MY BOOBS. I HAVE REALLY DUMB BOOBS.

- I'M SORRY. OKAY, I AM.

BUT THIS THING WITH CHARLIE, I MOVE IN YESTERDAY

AND THIS MORNING I WAKE UP WITH A FULL BODY RASH.

I HONESTLY THINK I'M ALLERGIC TO COMMITMENT.

- YOU ARE NOT ALLERGIC TO COMMITMENT.

YOU PROBABLY JUST HAVE BEDBUGS.

- WHAT?

- OH, YEAH. THEY ARE VERY IN RIGHT NOW.

I THINK JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRLS

ARE WEARING THEM WITH KNEE SOCKS.

HONEY, RELAX. WE LOVE CHARLIE.

- EH... WE DO, DON'T WE?

- YES! GO! BE WITH HIM.

- OKAY. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ITCHING?

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK IT'S BEDBUGS, DO YOU?

- OH, NO. IT COULD BE ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD CHECK HIS SHEETS.

HE'S PROBABLY HAD THOSE BAD BOYS SINCE COLLEGE.

WHO KNOWS WHAT FUNKY STUFF IS ON THERE.

- [gasps] - I GOTTA GO. BYE.

[phone beeps]

- HEY. COME BACK TO BED.

- UH, YEAH. NO, I THINK I'M UP.

- WHAT?

THIS IS THE BEST PART OF MOVING IN TOGETHER.

WE CAN HAVE MORNING SEX,

AND I CAN SLEEP IN LATE WHILE YOU MAKE ME EGGS.

OR PANCAKES.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHEF'S CHOICE.

- [giggles] OKAY.

UM, HEY, RANDOM QUESTION FOR YOU,

YOU DON'T HAVE BEDBUGS DO YOU?

- THAT'S, LIKE, THE MODERN EQUIVALENT

OF ACCUSING SOMEONE OF HAVING AN STD.

- OH, MY GOD, DO YOU HAVE AN STD?

- NO, NO! DO YOU?

- NO, CERTAINLY NOT!

I JUST, UM...SEE, I HAVE THESE BITES OR SOMETHING,

AND I WOULD JUST-- CAN WE JUST PLEASE CHECK?

- THIS--THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I MEAN, I'M NOT ITCHING, AND IT'S NOT LIKE THIS

IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER SLEPT HERE BEFORE.

[both screaming]

- GROSS! GROSS, GROSS, GROSS!

YOU HAVE BEDBUGS! - YEAH, YOU BROUGHT THEM!

- HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BRING THEM?

I DID NOT HAVE BEDBUGS IN MY APARTMENT.

- OKAY, WELL, I DIDN'T HAVE THEM BEFORE YOU MOVED IN!

- YOU ALSO DIDN'T HAVE HAND TOWELS BEFORE I MOVED IN.

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WASHED YOUR SHEETS, MISTER?

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST NOT BLAME EACH OTHER.

- YOU BLAMED ME FIRST.

RIGHT, YOU MEAN LIKE THAT.

- WAIT, I KNOW A GUY.

HE CALLS HIMSELF "THE BEDBUG EXORCIST."

- I DON'T WANNA CONVERT THEM TO CHRISTIANITY.

I WANT TO KILL THEM. - YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT HE DOES AFTER HE FINDS THEM.

- DUDE, I THINK WE FOUND THEM.

- BUT THE WHOLE PLACE COULD BE INFESTED.

THEY COULD BE IN THE WALLS, THE FLOOR, OUR HAIR.

- OH! SHUT UP AND GOOGLE HIM ALREADY.

[doorbell buzzes]

- OH, THANK GOD. ARE YOU THE BEDBUG EXORCIST?

- NO, I'M THE TUPPERWARE LADY.

WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO SET UP MY TUPPERWARE?

NEXT TO THE COFFEE CAKE?

- OH, GREAT. HE'S THAT GUY.

- HELLO. I AM WAYNE MICHELLE.

AND THIS IS BREEZEY, MY ASSOCIATE.

HE HANDLES THE MONEY. [chuckles]

I'M JOKING. HE'S A DOG.

- THANK YOU FOR COMING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

- YOU'RE LUCKY I WAS AVAILABLE.

ANGELA LANSBURY CANCELLED. SHE GAVE UP.

THEY OWN HER BROWNSTONE NOW.

LET'S GET STARTED.

I'LL TAKE TWO FINGERS OF WHISKEY, NEAT,

AND A GLASS OF MILK FOR ME.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- BY THE WAY, THAT... IT'S NOT GOING TO HELP.

THEY DON'T COME OUT DURING THE DAY,

THEY ARE NOCTURNES.

- UM, QUESTION.

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE GETTING BIT?

- MANY THEORIES.

WOMEN HAVE THINNER SKIN, SO THEY FEEL IT MORE.

MEN HAVE A HIGHER LEVEL OF NATURALLY-OCCURRING HISTAMINES.

MY THEORY...

MAYBE YOU'RE JUST DELICIOUS. - OKAY.

- OH, FEATHERS! YOU'VE GOT BOOKS.

- THOSE ARE--THOSE ARE MINE. I JUST MOVED IN.

- THIS WAS ANGELA'S DOWNFALL.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BEDBUGS MAKE THEIR HOME IN BOOKS.

WHY WOULD YOU BRING THESE IN HERE?

- TO LOOK SMART.

- IT'S OKAY; I HAVEN'T READ A LOT OF MINE EITHER.

- WE ARE GOING TO NEED TO SEAL CRACKS, FUMIGATE,

REPLACE THE MATTRESS, AND STEAM CLEAN.

- REALLY? WE HAVE TO DO ALL THAT?

- OH, BELIEVE ME.

THIS IS JUST THE START OF YOUR ORDEAL.

I HAVE SEEN BEDBUGS LITERALLY RIP COUPLES APART.

NOT LITERALLY.

MOSTLY THEY JUST SUCK YOUR BLOOD.

HERE'S HOPING YOU TWO BUCK THE ODDS.

BEWEGEN SICH SCHNELL, BREEZEY.

- WELL...

AT LEAST WE CAN STAY AT YOUR PLACE DURING THE FUMIGATION.

- EXCEPT WE CAN'T. I GAVE IT UP, REMEMBER?

- ALREADY? - WELL, YEAH, I--

SO I WOULDN'T HAVE A SAFETY NET.

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

- IT WAS...BEFORE I KNEW WE HAD BEDBUGS.

- [barking]

- THEY'RE HERE.

- I THINK WE SHOULD JUST LIVE HERE.

- I'M DOWN WITH THAT.

I MEAN, WE'LL RUN OUT OF MONEY PRETTY SOON,

YOU'LL HAVE TO TURN TRICKS.

I GUESS I COULD HIDE IN THE BATHROOM.

- WHY DO YOU GET TO BE THE PIMP?

- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE'LL TRADE OFF.

FIRST, WE'LL HAVE TO GET YOU HOOKED ON THE DRAGON

SO YOU DON'T STRAY FROM DADDY.

- BABE, DID YOU GET BIT?

- NO, I THINK...

I'M BEING BITTEN!

- AH! - YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

- NO, SIR, WE ARE 100% CLEAN.

WE JUST HAD OUR WEEKLY INSPECTION

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE THE CERTIFICATE.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE BEDBUG?

BECAUSE I'M LOOKING AT ONE RIGHT NOW.

- OKAY, SIR.

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ARE HITCHHIKERS.

THEY TRAVEL IN LUGGAGE AND CLOTHES,

SO FOR MY RECORDS,

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYWHERE THAT HAD OR HAS BEDBUGS?

- SO THEY HAVE THEM TOO?

- NO, WE HAVE THEM.

THEY'RE WITH US. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- THEY HITCHHIKE!

- OKAY, CREEPY WAYNE MICHELLE DID NOT MENTION THAT.

[knocking]

- SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE,

BUT I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

IT'S INDELICATE, I KNOW.

BUT BEDBUGS ARE DEATH TO THE HOTEL BUSINESS.

- YEAH, WE UNDERSTAND.

- NOW. YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW.

- OKAY, YEAH, WE'LL PACK OUR BAGS, AND THEN WE'LL--

- NOT NECESSARY. WE'LL STEAM CLEAN EVERYTHING.

YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES TOMORROW.

WE'LL COVER THE ROOM, YOUR ROBES, ANY EXPENSES.

- WHAT ABOUT THE MINIBAR?

- WHAT DID YOU HAVE?

- JUST A SODA, SOME CASHEWS.

- WE'LL COVER THE BEVERAGE, BUT NOT THE NUTS.

IT'S HOW WE MAKE OUR MONEY.

NOW GET OUT. - BUT...

WHAT ABOUT OUR CLOTHES? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WEAR?

- THEY'RE MY FRIENDS, SO LET ME DO THE TALKING.

ALL RIGHT? - FINE.

HEY, GUYS!

- NOT DIGGING THE MATCHING OUTFITS.

IS THAT NECESSARY?

WAIT, DUDE!

WAIT, IS THIS ONE OF THOSE CRAZY SURPRISE ENGAGEMENTS?

- MURDER, HE WOULDN'T BE SURPRISING US,

HE'D BE SURPRISING JODIE. - NOW YOU RUINED THE SURPRISE.

- WE JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER. WE'RE NOT GETTING ENGAGED.

- NOT EVERY GIRL WANTS TO GET ENGAGED, YOU IDIOT.

- LOOK, YOU GUYS ARE MY CLOSEST FRIENDS.

AND THIS IS HARD TO SAY, BUT WE...

- NEVER SHOULD'VE MOVED IN TOGETHER.

- DUDE, WE TOLD YOU IT WAS TOO FAST,

YOU'RE BOTH COMMITMENT-PHOBES,

AND CHARLIE'S STILL HUNG UP ON THAT RUSSIAN MODEL.

- JODIE'S WAY COOLER THAN ANKA.

- ANKA? - WE'RE NOT BREAKING UP.

WE HAVE BEDBUGS! - UGH, DUDE!

- LISTEN...WE DISCOVERED THEM A COUPLE NIGHTS AGO

AFTER JODIE MOVED IN, AND WE'RE GETTING THE PLACE FUMIGATED,

SO WE NEED SOMEWHERE TO STAY.

- YEAH, I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY THAT BAD

ONCE YOU GET USED TO IT.

YOU JUST HAVE TO BATHE A LOT, MOVE AROUND.

- GUYS, COME ON, REALLY?

- ALL RIGHT. GIRL CAN STAY WITH US.

- WE COME AS A PAIR. - THEN NO FREAKING WAY.

- GROSS.

- YOUR FRIENDS ARE DISGUSTING.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- [clears throat]

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, YOU'RE NOT STAYING WITH ME.

- I THOUGHT WE'RE FRIENDS NOW.

- THAT WAS BEFORE YOU BECAME BAD FOR BUSINESS.

JULIO.

THROW THEM OUT.

AND CALL WAYNE MICHELLE FOR ME,

HE OWES ME A FAVOR.

- THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

GOD! I ITCH EVERYWHERE!

OH, MY GOD!

I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS STICKER ALL DAY!

THA...!

PEOPLE THINK I'M A SIZE MEDIUM SWEATPANT.

GOD! [sighs]

- WALKING THE STREETS OF NEW YORK IS OUR LIFE NOW,

SO JUST GET USED TO IT.

- WHAT IF THIS IS A SIGN?

WHAT IF YOUR FRIENDS WERE RIGHT AND WE MOVED IN TOO SOON,

AND WE RUINED A GREAT RELATIONSHIP?

- OKAY, THEY'RE NEVER RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S A BAD SIGN?

IT GETS HARD AFTER TWO DAYS AND YOU'RE READY TO BAIL.

- I'M NOT READY TO BAIL.

I'M JUST...I'M PISSED THAT I GAVE UP MY APARTMENT,

AND I FEEL TRAPPED, AND I THINK--

- YOU FEEL TRAPPED?

I INVITED YOU TO LIVE WITH ME AFTER ONLY TWO MONTHS,

WHICH IS USUALLY THE POINT WHEN I STOP CALLING A GIRL,

SO DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FEELING TRAPPED.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT I'M TIRED, OKAY?

AND I'M PEEING IN ALLIES, AND I ITCH.

SO...I'M GOING HOME.

TO OUR HOME, BECAUSE HOPEFULLY IT'S BUG-FREE BY NOW.

AND IF IT'S NOT, I'LL DEAL WITH IT.

ARE YOU COMING?

CALL ME IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

- I CHANGED MY MIND.

I NEED A SAFETY NET.

- OH, NO, NO, DON'T CRY. MY BREASTS WILL LEAK.

I READ IF YOU'RE NOT BREASTFEEDING AND YOU ICE THEM,

THEY'LL STOP PRODUCING MILK.

BUT I THINK I'M PRODUCING ICE CREAM.

I HAVE BOOBSICLES.

- I'LL TAKE BOOBSICLES OVER BEDBUGS.

- [gasps] NO.

- YES. CHARLIE HAS BEDBUGS.

OR WE HAVE BEDBUGS.

WE'VE ALREADY TURNED ON EACH OTHER.

I THOUGHT I DIDN'T NEED A SAFETY NET, BUT I DO.

I NEED A SAFETY NET.

WHY DID I GIVE UP MY APARTMENT?

- BECAUSE YOU WERE SO EXCITED.

AND BECAUSE CHARLIE'S APARTMENT

HAS HARDWOOD FLOORS AND LAUNDRY.

AND BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM.

- RIGHT.

- HEY, IF YOU NEED A SAFETY NET,

YOU CAN ALWAYS COME LIVE WITH ME.

- I CAN? - YEAH.

YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK TO THAT APARTMENT AGAIN.

YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE CHARLIE AGAIN.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.

OH, BUT IF YOU ARE COMING OVER,

CAN YOU SHOWER AND BRING ME MACARONI AND CHEESE?

AND IF YOU ONLY HAVE TIME FOR ONE,

I THINK YOU KNOW WHICH ONE THAT IS.

- [sniffles]

I WAS GONNA USE MY KEY

BUT I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT'VE CHANGED THE LOCKS.

- I WOULDN'T DO THAT...

ON A WEEKEND.

IT COSTS MORE.

- ANNIE OFFERED HER APARTMENT.

- WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

- TO ME.

AS A SAFETY NET.

- OH. OKAY.

RIGHT.

- THE THING IS, ONCE I HAD A SAFETY NET,

I DIDN'T WANT A SAFETY NET ANYMORE.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS,

BUT MAYBE THAT'S HOW THESE THINGS WORK.

I'VE LIVED WITH ROOMMATES, AND I'VE LIVED ALONE,

BUT I WANNA LIVE WITH YOU NOW

BECAUSE EVEN WITH THE DISGUSTING BEDBUGS...

YOU'RE WHERE I WANNA BE.

CAN I COME IN? - YEAH.

WAIT.

LET ME JUST GET RID OF THE RUSSIAN MODEL.

ANKA, DOSVEDANYA!

- [screams]

NOT FUNNY. - IT WAS A LITTLE FUNNY.

- NOT FUNNY.

[laughter]

- NO, I'M NOT GONNA REMIND YOU ABOUT ANYTHING.

- COME ON, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE ON THE NOSE

TO HAVE A SCREENING OF NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

IN A CEMETERY? - YOU'RE JUST BEING PISSY

BECAUSE I DIDN'T LET YOU BRING A JOINT.

- OH. - SO CAN'T YOU JUST BE A MAN

AND GET DRUNK ON CHARDONNAY?

- BESIDES, IT'S NOT A SCREENING. IT IS A "SCREAMING."

[distant screams]

- OH, AND THANK YOU, LITERAL LINDA.

- YES, YES! I'LL MARRY YOU!

- UGH, I HATE THAT.

- I LOVE THAT YOU HATE THAT.

- SERIOUSLY, SINCE WHEN DO PROPOSALS REQUIRE AN AUDIENCE?

- YOU HAD MY PARENTS AT OURS.

- I DIDN'T PUT IT ONLINE.

- OH, MY GOD. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT NEW ONE?

WITH THAT GUY AT THE MOVIE THEATER?

- OH, IT IS HORRIFYING. - THE WORST, THE WORST.

- OH, IT MADE ME SO MAD.

I JUST WANTED TO REACH THROUGH THAT SCREEN

AND GRAB THE SPARKLER OUT OF HIS HAND

AND LIGHT HIS SHINY HAIR ON FIRE.

- AND YET, SHE WATCHES IT TWICE A DAY.

- OH, I CAN'T HELP IT.

IT'S GOT A HOLD OF ME LIKE SOME TERRIBLE NEEDLE DRUG.

- I'M LIKE THAT WITH NOTTING HILL.

[all laughing]

- NOTTING HILL?

- [choking] - I ADMIT IT. I ADMIT IT.

- THAT'S NOT THAT GOOD OF A MOVIE.

- IT'S THE WORST MOVIE--

YES, LIKE A TERRIBLE NEEDLE DRUG.

- RIGHT, BECAUSE--

- YOU OKAY?

- [coughs, gasps]

- HE'S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!

- I GOT HIM, I GOT HIM. [grunts]

- [coughs] WOW.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

[applause]

I'M OKAY.

- BABE, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW CALM AND COOL YOU WERE.

- YOU WERE LIKE A SUPERHERO. THANK YOU.

- HEY, WHO'S THE SHOW NOW, LOVEBIRDS, HUH?

WHO'S THE SHOW NOW? [laughing]

- YEAH! - OH.

- THANK YOU AGAIN, JUDD.

- HEY, PLEASE, IT WAS NOTHING.

I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE. - [chuckles]

- WE ARE NEVER GOING TO HEAR THE END OF THIS, ARE WE?

- NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD...

WHO BRINGS 'EM BACK TO THE LIVING?

- UGH, YOU DO, BABE. - [laughing]

I THINK I'LL TAKE MY ICE CREAM IN BED TONIGHT.

MMM. - OH, WOW.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO END SOON. - WOMAN!

- WHAT'S UP?

YOU DIDN'T SAY TWO WORDS THE ENTIRE CAR RIDE HOME.

- HARD TO GET TWO WORDS IN. [chuckles]

- HONEY, WERE YOU SCARED YOU WERE GONNA LOSE ME FOREVER?

- NO. WELL, YES.

THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.

BUT ALSO...

I JUST THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT YOU CHOSE JUDD.

- WHAT?

- WHEN YOU WERE CHOKING,

YOU LOOKED DIRECTLY AT JUDD.

YOU WERE BASICALLY ASKING HIM FOR HELP.

- OKAY. DREW, THAT IS INSANE.

- IS IT INSANITY?

BECAUSE HERE'S THE MAN WHO IS MARRYING YOU,

AND HERE'S OUR NEIGHBOR WHO WE SOMETIMES WORK OUT WITH.

I CHOOSE HIM.

- OKAY, I PREFER TO THINK OF IT

AS CHOOSING LIFE OVER DEATH.

NOT JUDD OVER YOU. - I'M JUST SAYING

THAT YOU COULD'VE LOOKED TO ME,

BUT YOU DIDN'T; YOU LOOKED AT JUDD.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY I LOOKED AT JUDD.

I WASN'T EVEN CONSCIOUS.

BUT I THINK WE'RE LOSING SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT I'M ALIVE!

- AND IF YOU TURNED TO ME, YOU'D BE DEAD?

- OH, MY--

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE STILL FOCUSED

ON WHO LOOKED AT WHOM, YOU KNOW.

DREW, IN THAT MOMENT,

I REALLY WASN'T FOCUSED ON YOUR FEELINGS.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE CHICKEN BONE

LODGED IN MY WINDPIPE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S FORGET I SAID ANYTHING, OKAY?

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE. THE TAPENADE YOU MADE WAS GREAT.

I'M GOING TO BED.

- DREW.

[knocking on glass]

COMING.

OKAY.

OH. - HEY.

- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

- AH, I THOUGHT WE'D CELEBRATE THE FIRST DAY

OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I ALREADY PUT IT ON FACEBOOK, AND I'M THINKING ABOUT

USING THIS STORY IN MY WEDDING TOAST, IF I'M INVITED.

- INVITED?

APPARENTLY, YOU'RE THE BEST MAN.

- ARE YOU KIDDING? - YES, I'M KIDDING.

I'M GOING TO WORK. THANKS.

- OH, YOURS GETS GRUMPY IN THE MORNING TOO, HUH?

- YEAH.

DREW IS A LITTLE UPSET THAT YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

HE WANTED TO BE THE ONE WHO SAVED ME.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

I JUST FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT IT.

- YEAH, ME TOO. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAVED YOU.

- NO, OF COURSE YOU SHOULD'VE SAVED ME.

I LIKE BEING ALIVE.

I HAVE A HAIRCUT NEXT WEEK

AND I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT.

IS IT WEIRD THAT I DIDN'T TURN TO DREW?

- NO.

NO, NO. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT'S ME. YOU CAUGHT MY VIBE.

- YOUR VIBE?

- IT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

WHENEVER THERE'S A CRISIS,

CITIZENS LOOK TO ME TO TAKE CHARGE.

REMEMBER THAT EARTHQUAKE THAT HAPPENED A FEW WEEKS AGO?

[heavy rumbling]

COLLEEN, WAKE UP. WAKE UP, WAKE UP.

WE'RE HAVING AN EARTHQUAKE.

- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE! - CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WE GOTTA GET OUR SHOES ON,

'CAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE IS--

OH, HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR?

COME ON. COME ON, WE GOTTA GET IN THE DOORWAY.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY, BABY.

OH, THAT'S MY GIRL. OKAY.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY. LET ME HEAR YOU SAY IT.

SAY, "EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY."

- EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY. - THAT'S IT.

- EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY. - THAT'S IT, OKAY.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON HER FACE.

BUT LUCKILY, LOIS HAD HER SUPERMAN.

- I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY.

BUT I JUST WANTED KYLE TO LOOK TO ME TO SAVE HIM.

- ALL MEN ARE LIKE THAT.

THEY NEED TO FEEL LIKE A HERO.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN JUDD LAST NIGHT.

HE WRAPPED A BEDSPREAD AROUND HIS NECK

AND HE WAS JUMPING AROUND THE HOUSE

UNTIL 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

- AT LEAST HE EARNED THAT CAPE. HE'S A HERO.

- NOT ALL THE TIME.

YOU REMEMBER THAT EARTHQUAKE A FEW WEEKS AGO?

[heavy rumbling]

- COLLEEN! EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE.

WE'RE HAVING AN EARTHQUAKE! GET UP, GET UP!

- OH, MY GOD. - OKAY, WHAT DO WE DO?

WHAT DO WE DO? WE GOTTA TURN OFF THE GAS.

NO, WE GOTTA PUT OUR SHOES ON.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE OUR SHOES ON.

WE GOTTA GET OUR SHOES ON. GET OVER HERE IN THE DOORWAY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR?

GET OFF THE FLOOR, COME ON!

PLEASE TELL ME WE'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

TELL ME WE'RE GONNA BE OKAY! - YES, OKAY.

WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY. WOW. - OH, THAT'S MY GIRL!

- YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.

BUT LUCKILY, LOIS WAS THERE WITH A PAPER BAG

FOR SUPERMAN TO BREATHE INTO.

[both chuckle]

- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO LET IT GO.

- DREW IS NEVER GONNA LET THIS GO.

I'VE ROBBED HIM OF HIS ONLY CHANCE AT BEING A HERO.

- NO. TECHNICALLY, I DID.

AND THEN I WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

OH, MAN, I FEEL TERRIBLE.

ALL RIGHT, WE GOTTA FIX THIS.

- HOW?

ARE YOU GONNA LET ME BORROW YOUR CAPE?

YOU GUYS REALLY NEED TO START CLOSING YOUR CURTAINS.

- [groans] - NICE.

NICE. COME ON, ONE MORE.

- NO, I CAN'T. - YES, YOU CAN.

COME ON, ONE MORE. - NO, JUDD, I REALLY CAN'T.

- ASK DREW FOR HELP.

- JUDD...JUDD...

DREW! DREW, HELP!

- DREW! KYLE'S PINNED! - OW, HELP!

[grunts] - OH, MY GOD.

- CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP.? [grunts]

OW.

- I'M SORRY, HONEY.

- IS MY LIP BLEEDING?

- UH, OOH. UH, NO, NOT THAT MUCH.

- THANKS, JUDD, NOW I ACTUALLY AM HURT.

- WHAT?

- NO. - UNBELIEVABLE.

- HONEY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK, IT'S JUST THAT--

- I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

- YOU SHOULDN'T FAKE A CRISIS

WITH A GUY WHO SUCKS AT CRISIS.

- I NEVER SAID THAT.

WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS?

- BECAUSE, NO OFFENSE,

BUT I THOUGHT THAT I WAS THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

- NO OFFENSE?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE OFFENSIVE THAN THAT?

"CUTE SKIRT, MARY?" - I'M SORRY.

BUT I THOUGHT MY ROLE WAS TO BE THE ROCK,

THE GO-TO GUY, THE ONE THAT YOU COULD COUNT ON

TO HOLD IT TOGETHER. - WELL, THEN WHAT AM I?

- YOU'RE THE FUN, CRAZY, DRAMATIC ONE.

- HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY THAT?

- BECAUSE I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,

BUT IF I'M NOT THE ROCK, THEN WHAT AM I?

SOME GUY THAT YOU FAKE AN INJURY FOR

BECAUSE HIS EGO'S SO FRAGILE?

AND WHY WOULD YOU WANNA MARRY ME

IF YOU CAN'T DEPEND ON ME

TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU NEED ME?

- COME ON.

WE'RE GOING OUT.

- [harmonized singing] AWAITING WHAT SHE'LL SAY

- YES! YES!

- WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH YOU?

YOU ARE SO STUPID!

UGH! [singing continues]

HEY, HOW WAS THE GYM?

- UH...GREAT.

I ALMOST KILLED KYLE.

- BUT AT LEAST YOU WENT. [chuckles]

[on screen] - PAUL, I LOVE YOU.

[applause]

- HEY...

I KNOW WE WERE JOKING ABOUT SAVING KYLE.

BUT YOU WERE REALLY AWESOME LAST NIGHT.

- OH.

HEY, WHOA. SHOULD I GET THE CAPE?

- NO.

- [chuckles] NO?

- WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

- HOLD ON, WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

- I SWEAR TO GOD, IF JUDD JUMPS OUT IN A FAKE MUSTACHE

AND PRETENDS TO ROB US, I'M NOT GONNA BE HAPPY.

- LOOK, HERE WE ARE.

- YOU THINK A CHEAP HOTDOG ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD

IS THE SOLUTION? - I USED TO.

COME ON.

- HI! WHERE YOU BEEN?

IT'S BEEN, LIKE, TWO YEARS!

- LORENZO, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- THEY KNOW YOU HERE.

- BEFORE I MET YOU,

I USED TO COME HERE AFTER EVERY BAD DATE

AND I WOULD JUST EAT MY FEELINGS.

I FELT SO EMPTY,

AND I THOUGHT I WOULD ALWAYS FEEL THAT WAY.

THEN I MET YOU, AND...EVERYTHING CHANGED.

JUDD MAY HAVE GIVEN ME THE HEIMLICH,

BUT YOU SAVED MY LIFE IN A MUCH BIGGER WAY.

YOU SAVED ME FROM BEING A CHUBBY.

AND YOU MADE ME FEEL WHOLE.

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO MARRY YOU, DREW.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU NEVER SAW TWO MEN IN LOVE BEFORE?

- I WANTED TO CELEBRATE MY LAST DAY

OF BEING AN UNGRATEFUL JERK.

- MM, YOU WEREN'T A JERK.

I WAS THE JERK. - NO, YOU WERE A HERO.

AND I WANNA THANK YOU OFFICIALLY FOR SAVING KYLE'S LIFE,

BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE MUCH OF A LIFE FOR ME WITHOUT HIM.

- OH, THAT'S NICE. [heavy rumbling]

COLLEEN! EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE!

COME ON, WE GOTTA GET OUR SHOES!

TURN OFF-- [beeping, rumbling]

[chuckling] OH...

AH, THAT WAS JUST THE TRASH TRUCK.

I GOT YOU GUYS GOOD, DIDN'T I?

- OH, YES, YOU DID. - [chuckles]

YOU OKAY, BABY? - YEAH.

I MEAN, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HAD THAT BEEN A REAL EARTHQUAKE,

I KNOW YOU WOULD'VE BEEN RIGHT ON IT.

- THAT'S RIGHT, LOIS.

[all chuckle] - CHEERS, EVERYONE.

- WHY DID I BUY ALL THESE FROZEN STRAWBERRIES?

- YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A PROTEIN SHAKE EVERY MORNING.

- RIGHT. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?

[grunts]

OH, RIGHT.

- OH, LOOK, HERE IT IS. - HERE WHAT IS?

- THE VIDEO MY MOM SENT ME. COME HERE. COME HERE.

- YOUR TICKET-- - LOOK,

SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HE'S GONNA PROPOSE.

- SHE ALSO HAS NO IDEA HE LIKES MEN.

- YOU ARE SO CYNICAL. COME ON.

- IT'S TOTALLY FAKE. THEY'RE ACTORS.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I SAW THAT GUY ON BIG BANG THEORY.

- SHH, JUST WATCH.

all: WHEN I FELL HARD FOR YOU

SO HERE WE ARE-- - [giggles]

- IT'S NOT A PROPOSAL; IT'S A MUSICAL.

- I KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY IT'S SO GREAT.

AND LOOK, EVERYBODY ELSE JOINS IN.

all: WHEN I OPEN UP THIS RING BOX

AWAITING WHAT YOU'LL SAY

- THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE VIEWERS AND THE CAMERA.

IT'S NOT EVEN FOR THE GIRL. - YES! YES!

- I MEAN, WOULD YOU WANT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

UH, MAYBE.

WHAT'D YOU HAVE IN MIND?

- OH, NOTHING.

I MEAN, NOT NOTHING.

NO, I JUST HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

NOT THAT I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

THIS IS JUST MORE OF A THEORETICAL CONVERSATION.

LOOK...AN IGUANA FARTING IN A BATHTUB.

[flatulence, bubbles] SEE? THAT'S REAL.

- BUT YOU TRANSFORMED MY HEART THAT DAY

- IT WAS SO AWKWARD.

CLEARLY, SHE WAS HINTING THAT IT'S TIME FOR ME TO PROPOSE.

- WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER ALMOST TWO YEARS.

- WELL, WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER; DOESN'T THAT

BUY ME ANOTHER YEAR? - THAT DEPENDS.

WHEN AMANDA PEES, DOES SHE LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN?

- SOMETIMES. - [chuckles]

TIME TO GO RING SHOPPING, MY FRIEND.

- JEEZ! IT'S NOT ENOUGH

TO GET PRESSURE FROM YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

BUT NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN GO ONLINE

WITHOUT GUYS LIKE THIS SHOVING IT IN YOUR FACE.

THANKS, GLEE. - I THINK IT'S FANTASTIC.

- GLEE? - NO, THIS VIDEO.

SEE, I LOVE THE WAY IT'S RECORDED FOREVER.

NOW ONE DAY, THIS GUY'S KIDS WILL SEE IT.

- I DON'T THINK THEY'RE HAVING ANY KIDS.

[singing on screen]

- LOOK, WE ARE SO DOING THIS, GUYS.

- DOING WHAT?

- A BIG MUSICAL PROPOSAL FOR LIZ BETH.

SEE, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME,

I JUST WASN'T QUITE SURE HOW TO DO IT.

BUT THIS... THIS IS PERFECT!

- IS IT? SHE COULD SAY NO.

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN DATING SIX MONTHS.

- AND OUR BATHROOM DOOR, ALWAYS OPEN.

WHATEVER GOES ON IN THERE, I WANNA BE A PART OF IT

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, MAN. - OH, GOD, FINE, PROPOSE.

BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE SUCH A BIG SHOW?

IT'S GONNA PUT PRESSURE ON ME TO PROPOSE TO AMANDA

IN SOME BIG, CRAZY WAY, AND I DON'T WANT TO.

- PROPOSE TO AMANDA?

OR PROPOSE IN SOME BIG, CRAZY WAY?

- I DON'T KNOW. - THAT'S NOT GOOD.

- AMANDA'S GREAT. AND MAYBE WE SHOULD GET MARRIED.

BUT...WHAT IF SHE'S NOT THE ONE?

- OKAY. WHO IS SHE?

- WHO'S WHO? - THE GIRL.

THE ONE YOU'RE MAKING LOVE INTO.

- THERE'S NO ONE. - COME ON.

IT'S OWEN, THE GUY YOU'RE DANCING WITH IN JAKE'S PROPOSAL.

- WE'RE DANCING TOO? - OH, YEAH.

BUT ONE THING AT A TIME. - [sighs]

- WHO IS SHE? COME ON, TALK TO ME.

- OKAY.

LATELY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS GIRL, ANNIE.

- MM-HMM? - I MEAN, I'VE ONLY...

I'VE ONLY MET HER TWICE, BUT I CAN'T GET HER OUTTA MY HEAD.

ISN'T THAT A SIGN THAT I SHOULDN'T BE GETTING ENGAGED?

- THAT'S NOT A SIGN. IT'S CALLED COLD FEET.

THE IDEA OF COMMITMENT, MAKING LOVE INTO ONE PERSON

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE-- ANYTHING'S GONNA LOOK GOOD.

THIS BOTTLE, YOU PUT A BLONDE WIG ON IT,

MAYBE A LITTLE HALTER TOP,

YOU'RE RUNNING OFF TO THE BAHAMAS WITH THIS THING.

- OOH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. - RIGHT?

IT'S A MISTAKE.

- I'M SORRY, WHO ASKED YOU?

WHY DOES STUPID ANNIE HAVE

TO BE ON STUPID MATERNITY LEAVE?

- ON US, GUYS.

- SO...

THIS ANNIE PERSON, DOES SHE WORK HERE?

- SHE MAY HAVE MENTIONED IT.

- AND SHE'S ON MATERNITY LEAVE?

- GUESS SO. - MATT...

IS THIS BABY YOURS?

- NO. IT'S NOT EVEN HERS.

- OKAY, I'M GONNA WHISTLE RIGHT PAST THAT.

MATT, AMANDA'S GREAT. YOU'RE NOT GONNA DUMP HER

FOR SOME WAITRESS YOU'VE MET TWICE.

- SHE'S A SOUS CHEF. - SHE'S A GOOD HAIR DAY.

- EXCUSE ME? - YOU KNOW RIGHT BEFORE

YOU GET A HAIRCUT, YOUR HAIR LOOKS GREAT?

I MEAN, BETTER THAN EVER, SO YOU'RE ALMOST TEMPTED

TO BAIL ON THE HAIRCUT?

THAT'S WHAT ANNIE IS--

THE ILLUSION YOU DON'T NEED A HAIRCUT.

BUT YOU DO.

- SO...

AMANDA'S THE HAIRCUT I THINK I DON'T NEED?

- EXACTLY.

- AND ANNIE'S JUST A GOOD HAIR DAY?

- YES. SO RUN A COMB THROUGH IT.

ADMIRE IT IN THE MIRROR, BUT KNOW IT'S NOT REAL.

- ALL RIGHT. - YEAH.

AND DON'T EAT TOO MANY OF THOSE.

I THINK I MAY HAVE TO LIFT YOU LATER.

IT'S GONNA BE ROMANTIC.

[clapping rhythmically]

[Rose Royce's Car Wash starts] - [frustrated growl]

MAN, WHY CAN'T YOU GET THIS?

YOU'D THINK A HEART SURGEON WOULD BE GOOD WITH HIS HANDS.

- MAYBE THIS IS THE WRONG SONG.

- NO. WE MET AT A CAR WASH.

HAS TO BE CARWASH, OKAY? FROM THE TOP.

EIGHT CLAPS IN. EIGHT CLAPS.

- I THINK IT'S SEVEN, ACTUALLY.

- IT'S EIGHT CLAPS, OK--

CLAP...CLAP...

CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP. - THAT'S SEVEN.

- OH? OKAY, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE--I'M SORRY, IAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE A BREAK?

OKAY, THE PIZZA'S HERE ANYWAY. I'M SORRY, IAN.

I REALLY AM.

OKAY. CLAP...CLAP...

CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-- NO, IT IS, THAT'S RIGHT.

- YOU KNOW, A LITTLE MORE PRACTICE,

AND WE JUST MIGHT NOT SUCK. - RIGHT, YEAH.

NOW ALL WE NEED IS FOR AMANDA TO COME THROUGH

AND WE'LL BE FINE. - AMANDA?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - AMANDA'S IN CHARGE

OF GETTING LIZ BETH TO THE PARK.

IS THAT GONNA BE A PROBLEM? - PROBABLY, BUT IT'S FINE.

LIZ BETH NEEDS TO GET THERE. - RIGHT.

- CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? - HMM?

- YOU SEEM SO SURE ABOUT THIS.

YOU'VE NEVER HAD COLD FEET? - NO, NO.

- SO YOU'VE ALWAYS KNOWN SHE WAS THE ONE?

- [chuckles] GOD, NO. GOD, NO, MAN.

LOOK, WE...WE REALLY DIDN'T HIT IT OFF ON OUR FIRST DATE.

YOU KNOW, IT WAS--WELL, IT WAS TOO MANY DOG PICTURES.

- YOU DO SHOW THEM A LOT.

- WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE SO ADORABLE.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THEY'RE SHNOODLES.

THEY GOT THE LITTLE--THE SCRUFF.

AND I LOVE THAT.

ANYWAY, WE WERE BOTH JUST HAPPY TO GET THE DATE OVER WITH.

BUT THEN I GOT LUCKY.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN

THAT SUBWAY CAR WENT OFF THE RAILS LAST SUMMER?

- OH, RIGHT, THE-- THAT CRACKHEAD SUPERMAN

TRIED TO LIFT UP THE TRAIN. HOW WAS THAT LUCKY?

- WELL, WE BOTH GOT STUCK ON THE PLATFORM FOR HOURS.

AND IN THAT TIME,

SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH NOODLES, AND KAFKA,

AND I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER.

- NICE. - YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE WE WERE--

LIKE WE WERE MEANT TO BE WITH EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE--

I DON'T KNOW, THE UNIVERSE

WAS JUST KINDA PUSHING US TOGETHER.

REALLY? REALLY!

YOU GUYS DON'T SAVE THE DIRECTOR ANY FREAKING PIZZA?

- RELAX, I'LL GO GET US A COUPLE SANDWICHES.

- THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CONGRATULATIONS, GENTLEMEN.

BECAUSE NOW WE WILL ALL BE STAYING LATE.

- OH! MATT.

- ANNIE.

- HI.

- HI.

WOW, THIS IS-- THIS IS SO CRAZY

RUNNING INTO YOU. - YEAH, CRAZY.

- SO YOU'RE A DOCTOR? - YEAH, IS THAT A SURPRISE?

- NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT YOU DON'T SEEM SMART,

AND YOU HAVE THOSE INCREDIBLY ELEGANT FINGERS.

YOU KNOW, IN A VERY MASCULINE, DOCTOR KIND OF WAY.

- THANKS.

SO YOU HAD THE BABY.

- YES, AND I AM ACTUALLY

DOWN TO TWICE MY NORMAL DRESS SIZE.

- WELL, YOU LOOK GREAT TO ME.

I MEAN, UH... WHAT ARE YOU BUYING?

EVERYTHING YOU MISSED?

WINE, SUSHI, TOBACCO FOR YOUR PIPE?

- FROZEN STRAWBERRIES. - REALLY?

- YEAH. - THAT IS SO STRANGE.

- WHAT'S SO STRANGE ABOUT FROZEN STRAWBERRIES?

I HAPPEN TO LIKE THEM. CAN'T A GIRL JUST

LIKE FROZEN STRAWBERRIES? - NO, NO.

IT'S JUST THAT I FOUND SOME IN MY FREEZER,

AND I LIKE THEM TOO.

- YEAH, THEY STAY COLD A REALLY LONG TIME.

UGH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

YOU'RE A DOCTOR, I CAN TELL YOU THIS.

MY BREASTS ARE LEAKING, AND THEY'RE STUPID, AND I HATE THEM.

- AND YOU'RE ICING THEM WITH FROZEN STRAWBERRIES.

- YEAH. YEAH, I WAS ACTUALLY GONNA CHANGE THEM UP

WITH FROZEN PEAS, BUT I FOUND THAT FROZEN STRAWBERRIES

ACTUALLY STAY COLDER LONGER.

AND THIS IS THE LEAST SEXY CONVERSATION

I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, BUT...

YOU KNOW, WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, RIGHT?

DO YOU STILL?

- YES, I DO.

- SO WHO CARES? RIGHT?

- RIGHT. WHO CARES.

- WELL, IT WAS GREAT TO SEE YOU.

- YEAH, REALLY GREAT.

- GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT.

- I THINK WHEN WE SAY "GOOD NIGHT,"

THAT WE ACTUALLY WALK AWAY. - RIGHT, RIGHT.

I ALWAYS FORGET HOW THAT GOES.

- YEAH!

I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY, UH, TAKE A BREAK, YOU KNOW?

- WHAT? - YEAH.

- WE'VE BEEN RUNNING FOR, LIKE, TWO MINUTES.

- YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW.

- WHY ARE YOU GRINNING LIKE THAT?

- I'M NOT GRINNING. - OKAY, LET'S GO.

I MEAN, THE ONLY REASON WE'RE DOING THIS

IS BECAUSE YOU SAID I LOOKED LUMPY.

- JUST SHUT UP AND SIT, OKAY?

SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT.

- WHAT'S...GOING ON? - SIT.

[click]

[rhythmic clapping]

[Rose Royce's Car Wash starts playing]

- GIRL, WE MIGHT NOT EVER BE RICH

THOSE MED SCHOOL LOANS ARE REALLY A BITCH

AIN'T NO TELLING WHY YOU WITH ME

MUST BE MY SEXY WAYS AND SKILL IN PODIATRY

all: I MET YOU AT THE CAR WASH

- YOU HAD YOUR '97 FORD

all: AT THE CAR WASH, YEAH

- WITH THE BROKEN LEFT FRONT DOOR

all: AT THE CAR WASH

MY HEART AND ENGINE WENT VROOM

AT THE CAR WASH, YEAH

I KNEW SOME DAY I'D BE YOUR GROOM

AT THE CAR WASH

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

AT THE CAR WASH, YEAH

- SO PLEASE, PLEASE SAY "I DO"

[clapping]

- YES! YES, I'LL MARRY YOU!

OH, MY GOD! AH!

- OH, BABY! MM!

[excited screams]

[cheers and applause]

- OH, WAIT, WAIT. I GOTTA...

- OH, YEAH. - PUT THE RING ON.

OKAY, SO... - OH, MY GOD, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- HERE IT GOES. I'M NERVOUS.

- YEAH! [cheers and applause]

[indistinct chatter]

[cork pops, cheers]

- THAT WAS SWEET OF YOU TO DO.

WAS IT PAINFUL? [giggles]

- NO. IT WAS NICE.

HE REALLY WANTED TO MAKE THIS SPECIAL FOR HER.

THEY'RE A GREAT COUPLE. THEY DESERVE THAT.

- YEAH.

- [quietly sighs]

AND SO DO YOU.

AMANDA, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE

WHO WANTS TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF THEMSELVES FOR YOU.

- IT'S NOT YOU, IS IT?

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- YEAH, I THINK I'VE, UM...

[sighs]

KNOWN THAT FOR SOME TIME NOW, SO...

- I'M SO SORRY, AMANDA.

- SO AM I.

I'LL MISS YOU.

- ME TOO.

[contemplative pop music]

- LIGHT

IT'S SO BLINDING

ON THIS WINDING

AVENUE

LIGHT

FIND I'M FALLING

ALL IS CALLING

BACK TO YOU

IT'S CALLING

BACK TO YOU

WE

DREAM ABOUT

EVERYTHING SHINING

AND NEW

IT'S ALL

PERFECT NOW

THERE'S ONLY THE MOMENT

AND YOU

- I REALLY THINK WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

- BUT YOU KNOW HE IS MINE, RIGHT?

- FOR NOW.

- SO...NOW THAT YOU'VE LOST MOST OF THE BABY WEIGHT...

- ALL. - I HAVE A GUY FOR YOU.

RECENTLY SINGLE. HE'S AN ASTRONAUT.

- OH, AN ASTRONAUT? - WELL, WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER.

NOW HE WORKS AT A LIQUOR STORE.

BUT BECAUSE HE LOVES IT,

NOT BECAUSE HE NEEDS THE MONEY.

- THANKS. AND HE SOUNDS DREAMY.

BUT I THINK I'M GONNA PASS.

- I'M SORRY, I JUST-- I WANT YOU TO MEET SOMEBODY.

- I KIND OF THINK I ALREADY HAVE.

- REALLY? THAT'S GREAT!

WHO IS HE? - NO, NO, NO.

HE'S JUST...THIS GUY.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

TO THINK SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN,

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING LIKE WE'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

LIKE IT'S FATE OR SOMETHING.

- WE DREAM ABOUT

THERE'S ONLY THE MOMENT

AND YOU

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