Original subtitles

- NOW, THE REASON WE'RE HERE

IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER

WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM

EVERYBODY STAND UP

OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD

TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

- HERE ARE A FEW EMERGENCY NUMBERS WHILE WE'RE GONE.

- AUNT COLLEEN, I'M 23.

I KNOW 911.

- AH, SURE, WHEN THINGS ARE CALM, BEN.

BUT HOW ABOUT IF SOME CRAZED GUY WITH A SHOTGUN

BLOWS APART THE FRONT DOOR?

- [chuckles] IT'S A REALLY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD...

EXCEPT WHEN IT ISN'T.

- WHAT?

- UH, JUDD? - YEAH?

- WHY ARE YOU BRINGING YOUR BIG POCKETBOOK?

- THAT'S MY CAMERA BAG.

I'M GONNA DOCUMENT OUR TRIP TO NEW YORK.

- OH. WELL, BRING THE WIDE-ANGLE LENS

BECAUSE I PLAN ON SUCKING DOWN

A LOT OF DIRTY-WATER HOT DOGS.

- ALREADY PACKED IT,

ALONG WITH A QUICK-DISSOLVING ANTACID.

- OHH! YOU'RE THE BEST.

- MM. - MWAH!

OH, AND, BEN,

I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT WE DIDN'T FLY YOU OUT

JUST TO HOUSE-SIT, OKAY?

WE REALLY WANT YOU TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR TIME HERE,

BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT IT'S BEEN REALLY TOUGH

WITH, UH... [whispering] GWENDY.

- YOU GUYS DON'T NEED TO WHISPER IT, OKAY?

GWENDY! [chuckles] GWENDY BROKE UP WITH ME!

LOOK! GWENDY.

- WOW, WE NEED TO PACK THE RAZORBLADES AND THE KNIVES.

OH, AND THERE'S PILLS HERE.

THIS PLACE IS A DEATH TRAP.

- YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT ME.

I'M NOT SUICIDAL, AND EVEN IF I WAS,

I WOULDN'T LEAVE THAT KIND OF MESS IN YOUR HOUSE.

- THANKS, SWEETIE, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN VERY RESPONSIBLE.

[chuckles] ALL RIGHT, LOOK, HAVE A VERY RELAXING WEEKEND.

AND THOSE ARE THE EMERGENCY NUMBERS

IN CASE ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS--

UM, EARTHQUAKE, RIOT, TSUNAMI,

BECAUSE ALL OF THOSE THINGS CAN HAPPEN HERE.

- COLLEEN... - WHAT? I WORRY BECAUSE I LOVE.

- HEY, BEN... - BYE.

- HERE'S ANOTHER LIST--

SEVEN BARS WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE.

GO BOOZE YOUR TROUBLES AWAY.

- WOW, THERE'S EVEN A MAP.

HMM. WELL, WHAT ARE THESE STARS?

- OH, THOSE ARE FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS

FOR THE WALK HOME.

DO FRIES MEND A BROKEN HEART?

YES. IF YOU EAT ENOUGH OF THEM, THEY DO.

BEN...

LIVE A LITTLE, OKAY?

OH, AND NO CALLING, UH... [whispers] GWENDY.

- HEY, GWENDY, GUESS YOU'RE NOT THERE AGAIN.

UH, IT'S BEEN A CRAZY COUPLE DAYS OVER HERE, THOUGH--

NONSTOP PARTIES AND CARNIVALS.

SO I'M NOT STALKING.

I JUST SAW THE FUNNIEST THING THAT MADE ME THINK OF YOU.

I ALSO SAW THAT YOU CHANGED YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS

FROM "IN A RELATIONSHIP" TO "SINGLE."

"IT'S COMPLICATED" SEEMS MORE APPROPRIATE.

[chuckles] BUT YOU CHANGED YOUR PASSWORD TOO, SO...

CALL ME BACK.

BYE.

UHH!

- COLLEEN, IT'S OVER!

SCREW THE SEPARATION.

RICO AND I ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

I AM SO DONE WITH HIM.

IN FACT, I AM DONE WITH ALL MEN.

THAT'S RIGHT, I AM READY TO SCISSOR, SISTER.

WHO ARE YOU?

- I'M BEN, THE HOUSE SITTER IN CHARGE.

- OH, RIGHT...

NEPHEW BEN.

THE WAY COLLEEN TALKS ABOUT YOU,

I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE A GROWN-UP.

- WELL, SHE HASN'T SEEN ME IN A YEAR.

I'VE GROWN AN INCH AND WENT UP A PANT SIZE.

PROBABLY WEIRD, TALKING ABOUT MY PANTS.

- I'M MARISSA, AND MY LIFE IS OVER.

COLLEEN LETS ME STAY HERE WHEN MY LIFE IS OVER.

- WELL, I'M JUST GONNA GIVE HER A RING--

NOT THAT I DON'T TRUST YOU.

VOICE MAIL--

AH, WILL NO WOMAN TAKE MY CALL?

HEY, AUNT COLLEEN, THERE'S A MARISSA HERE.

[glass breaks] - OH.

SORRY.

HEY, COLL, I'M LEAVING RICO FOR GOOD.

THAT'S RIGHT. HE FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY.

I WANT TO FILL A PILLOWCASE WITH DEAD TURTLES

AND BASH HIS FACE IN.

- I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S OKAY THAT SHE'S HERE.

ALSO, IF ANYTHING'S BROKEN...

[whispering] IT WASN'T ME. OKAY, BYE.

UM, SO SINCE I COULDN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH MY AUNT,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

- [laughs]

YOU'RE ADORABLE.

OW. I THINK I TWEAKED MY SHOULDER

WHEN I FLIPPED OVER THE DINING-ROOM TABLE.

I NEED A HOT SHOWER. UNZIP ME.

- UH, MAYBE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.

- HONEY, LET'S GO. - OKAY.

UH, I THINK I DID SOMETHING.

- IT'S--IT'S OKAY, SWEETIE. IT TAKES PRACTICE.

- YOU KNOW, TECHNICALLY, WITH A SORE MUSCLE,

YOU SHOULD GO COLD, THEN HOT.

- FREE TO JOIN!

- BUT, UH, NO, YOU DO YOUR THING!

- ISN'T THIS FUN?

ME, YOU, WINE.

ARE YOU OVER 21?

- UH, YES. BUT, NO, THANK YOU.

I NEED TO BE ALERT.

- WHAT'S WITH THE EDDIE HASKELL ROUTINE?

- WHO? - WOW.

[sighs deeply]

WHY ARE MEN SUCH LOADS?

OOH, LOOK...

"FRAIL WINTER, A SHORT PLAY BY JUDD ROUSCHER."

- UH, I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

- "INTERIOR-- ENGLISH ABBEY, 1640.

SISTER ABBY WALKS THROUGH THE ABBEY."

- PUT IT BACK. THAT SOUNDS PRIVATE AND POORLY WRITTEN.

- EASE UP ON ME, BEN. JEEZ.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HEARTBROKEN.

- YES, I DO.

- OHH.

POOR LITTLE PUPPY.

WHO IS SHE?

- THIS GIRL, GWENDY.

- I HATE HER. GO ON.

- WELL, SHE BROKE MY HEART,

RIPPED IT TO PIECES,

AND THEN SHOVED THE BLOODY CHAOS

BACK INTO MY GAPING CHEST HOLE.

- AND HER NAME'S STUPID.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR A BLOODY-CHAOS HEART?

TALKING.

AND LUCKY FOR YOU, I'M A GREAT LISTENER.

- SO THEN I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

AND BOUGHT ALL THE INGREDIENTS

FOR A SURPRISE CANDLELIGHT DINNER--

TOMATOES, GOAT CHEESE, BEETS,

BECAUSE I FIGURED I'D START WITH A SALAD.

- BEN... - WELL, ALL I KNOW IS,

ONE MINUTE, I'M MAKING HER THIS SURPRISE DINNER,

AND THEN THE NEXT, IT'S OVER.

HUH!

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS.

TO CARRY A POT ROAST UP A FIRE ESCAPE?

- OKAY, ALL I CAN SAY

IS THAT I HAVE KNOWN A LOT OF MEN IN MY LIFE,

AND ANY WOMAN WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

- REALLY?

WHY?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE SWEET.

AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAIRY, BUT NOT TOO HAIRY.

- I FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT MYSELF.

AND THERE'S NO WAY RICO'S GOOD ENOUGH

FOR SOMEONE OF YOUR BEAUTY AND SHAPE.

- THE DESTINATION IS UP TO ME

- WHOA. I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST GWENDY AND RICO... [chuckles]

- LOOK, MY MARRIAGE WITH RICO IS OVER.

AND YOUR THREE-MONTH TICKLE PARTY IS ALSO OVER.

- WHOA, WE DID WAY MORE THAN TICKLE.

- TRUST ME, THE WAY TO GET PAST RELATIONSHIPS IS TO TALK

AND THEN...

TO STOP TALKING.

- I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL.

- HOW DID THAT FEEL?

- GOOD.

I WISH I HAD A CIGARETTE.

NO, A PIPE, OH, AND A FEDORA!

- YOU NEED TO DREAM BIGGER, BEN.

GOD, I NEEDED THAT.

I'M GETTING A DRINK.

- I LOVE YOU.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I MADE YOU HEART-SHAPED PANCAKES.

- EW, CARBS.

- WELL, I CAN MAKE YOU AN OMELET IF YOU WANT.

UH, WON'T BE SHAPED LIKE ANYTHING, THOUGH,

EXCEPT AN OMELET.

- IT'S OKAY. I'M MORE OF A DRINKER THAN AN EATER.

- SO WHAT SHOULD WE DO FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

- NO, DON'T CHANGE YOUR PLANS FOR ME.

I THINK I'M GONNA BORROW COLLEEN'S I.D.,

HIT THE FANCY GYM,

NAP IN MY CAR.

ALL RIGHT, BEN, SEE YOU IN A BIT.

- OKAY.

- I EVEN SUCCEED

IF YOU LOOK AT MY LIFE

[cell phone ringing]

I CAN'T COMPLAIN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

- HI, AUNT COLLEEN.

- OH, HEY, BEN.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T CALL YOU SOONER.

I COULDN'T FIND MY PHONE.

IT WAS IN UNCLE JUDD'S POCKETBOOK.

SO IS MARISSA DRIVING YOU CRAZY?

- OH, NO, NOT AT ALL. SHE'S A WONDERFUL HOUSEGUEST.

- SO RICO FORGOT HER BIRTHDAY?

- I KNOW. TYPICAL RICO, RIGHT?

- OH, POOR MARISSA.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER TO TAHOE.

SHE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO DRINKING IN THE SNOW.

- TAHOE. REALLY?

WELL, DON'T WORRY.

MARISSA'S GONNA HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY.

- OH, GOD.

- WHAT? [car horn honking]

- UGH. NOTHING.

YOUR UNCLE JUDD'S AN IDIOT.

- OKAY, WELL, I HAVE LOTS TO DO, SO TOODLE-OO.

- OKAY, BYE.

NATHAN, LAST NIGHT I BECAME A MAN.

- DID SHE ASK YOU TO PULL HER HAIR?

I HEARD OLDER WOMEN LIKE THEIR HAIR PULLED.

- NO, SHE TOLD ME WHAT TO DO.

THE PRESSURE WAS OFF. THERE WAS NO GUESSING.

IT WAS AMAZING.

SHE SAID SHE NEEDED ME.

- WHAT ABOUT GWENDY?

- HA! GWENDY. GWENDY'S A CHILD.

REMEMBER WHAT IT FELT LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU BOWLED

WITH THE BUMPERS OFF?

- SURE. IT WAS EXHILARATING.

- EXACTLY. OH, HERE SHE COMES.

BE READY IN FIVE.

SHE'S BACK

THE BIRTHDAY GIRL IS BACK

- YOU'RE WEIRDING ME OUT, NOT IN AN EXCITING WAY.

- [gasps] RIGHT THIS WAY, MY LADY.

WELCOME TO FAUX TAHOE!

- HOLY...

- OR LAKE TA-FAUX.

I COULDN'T PICK.

I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE OVER THE TOP,

BUT BIRTHDAYS ARE IMPORTANT,

AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE A GREAT ONE.

- BEN, LOOK...

- A HOT TODDY ON A COLD WINTER'S DAY?

- TASTY TODDY.

- MARISSA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FEW FRIENDS OF MINE.

WE PURSUE MASTER'S DEGREES IN MEDIEVAL STUDIES BY DAY,

BUT WE'RE ALSO KNOWN AS...

THE MASTER MINSTRELS,

BUT WITH NO RACIST UNDERTONES.

- BEN, SERIOUSLY, UM, WE--WE NEED TO TALK.

all: I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU

LIKE YOU WANT ME TO

AND I'LL HOLD YOU TIGHT

BABY, ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT

[knock on door]

- MARISSA?

- RICO!

all: LIKE YOU WANT ME TO - GUYS...

all: AND I WILL NOT LET GO--

- OHH.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I'M HERE TO MAKE AMENDS, BABY...

WITH A SNOW GLOBE.

- UH, I TURNED THE WHOLE HOUSE INTO SNOW GLOBE, SO...

- RICO...

I MADE LOVE TO THIS YOUNG MAN.

- OBVIOUSLY.

- RUN, BEN. RUN NOW.

- YOU CAN'T JUST BARGE INTO OUR HOME.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE...

PLEASE...

OFFICER.

- LOOK, LITTLE MAN, I'M NOT HERE TO CAUSE TROUBLE.

MARISSA HAD EVERY RIGHT TO...

FIND YOU.

WE'RE SEPARATED, AND...

I FORGOT HER BIRTHDAY.

BUT I'M HERE NOW, BABY.

- OH, SWEETIE! - WHAT?

NO! NO "OH, SWEETIE."

HE HURT YOU, AND GWENDY HURT ME,

AND WE'RE TOGETHER NOW.

- [chuckles]

NO, BEN, WE'RE NOT.

- I'M NOT GONNA ASK YOU AGAIN.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW, OR...

I WILL MAKE YOU LEAVE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I WRESTLED IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN, SPIDER MONKEY.

IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

- OH, IT MOST CERTAINLY IS HAPPENING,

'CAUSE I CAN'T LOSE THE GIRL AGAIN.

MY HEART WON'T TAKE IT!

I CAN'T TAKE IT!

- BEN, NO! - OW, OW, OW, OW!

[whimpers]

THAT WAS HUMBLING.

- TRULY.

- BABE...

WILL YOU GIVE ME A SEC? I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.

- SURE.

- WHA...

- LOOK, BEN, I'M SORRY I LET THINGS GET SO OUT OF HAND.

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE RICO.

AND AS MUCH AS I APPRECIATE ALL YOUR CHIVALRY,

WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

YOU STILL LOVE GWENDY.

- I STILL LOVE GWENDY.

- AT LEAST NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU.

- BECAUSE I'M PHYSICALLY WEAK?

- YOU'RE TOO CLINGY.

- I'M NOT CLINGY.

I'M ROMANTIC.

- THAT'S A FINE LINE, BEN.

PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY IT'S THE GUYS WHO LIKE THE CHASE,

BUT WOMEN DO TOO.

YOU'RE JUST YOUNG.

THERE'S STILL TIME FOR YOU TO FIND THAT BALANCE.

[cell phone ringing]

- GWENDY! - NOPE!

- NO, NO, NO!

GIVE IT BACK!

I NEED TO ANSWER!

GIVE IT TO ME, WITCH!

- NO. YOU NEED TO DO EXACTLY

WHAT YOU SET OUT DO TO THIS WEEKEND.

YOU NEED SEPARATION FROM GWENDY.

AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT IS BY NOT SPEAKING TO HER.

YOU NEED DISTANCE AND PERSPECTIVE.

- WHAT? I DON'T WANT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS.

I WANT GWENDY!

I AM CLINGY. SHE ALREADY KNOWS.

- THANK YOU FOR A BIRTHDAY I'LL NEVER FORGET...

AND FOR A REALLY GOOD TODDY.

all: DAY IS DONE

GONE THE SUN

FROM THE LAKES, FROM THE HILLS

FROM THE SKY

[Ben joins in] ALL IS WELL

SAFELY REST

GOD IS NEAR

- AH, GOOD MORNING...

PRETTY LADY.

- YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME.

- YES, I DO.

BUT IF I SAY IT NOW, IT'LL BE BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO,

AND I'LL LOOK LIKE AN ASS.

- THAT'S OKAY, ANDY.

I FORGIVE YOU. - HA!

MY NAME'S NOT ANDY.

THAT'S MY ROOMMATE'S NAME,

WHICH MEANS YOU WENT THROUGH MY MAIL

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW MINE EITHER.

- SO WHAT?

WE HAD FUN, DIDN'T WE?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

- OH, MY--

YEAH, EXACTLY.

SO, UH...

YOU WANT TO GET BREAKFAST?

- NO, I'VE GOT TO RUN.

- ME TOO. I'M--I'M GOING TO A TAILGATER.

WELL, YOU'RE AWESOME AT SEX, SO THANK YOU.

- RIGHT BACK AT YA. - [chuckles]

[cell phone ringing]

- HEY, MA.

I AM AT CHURCH.

WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED TO DAD?

OH, MY GOD, ARE THEY SURE IT WAS A HEART ATTACK?

I-I'M TOO FAR FOR A CAB, MA--

TRAINS HARDLY RUN OUT HERE.

I'LL BE THERE AS SOON AS I CAN.

- WELL, THANKS AGAIN.

- LOOK, I KNOW THIS ISN'T IDEAL FOR EITHER ONE OF US,

BUT I REALLY NEED A RIDE.

- I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT.

O-OF COURSE YOU CAN HAVE A RIDE. W-WHERE'S THE HOSPITAL?

- IN THE CITY, MIDTOWN.

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT ON MY WAY.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

CAN WE HURRY?

- SURE. YEAH, YOU'LL JUST NEED TO HELP ME CARRY SOME BEER

TO MY CAR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CHICKS PUT MAKEUP ON IN THE CAR.

- WE'RE MAGIC.

- LOOK, YOUR DAD'S GONNA BE OKAY.

I'M PRETTY SURE HEART ATTACKS KILL MORE BLACKS THAT LATINOS.

YOUR DAD'S NOT BLACK, IS HE?

[cell phone ringing]

SAVED BY THE BELL.

HEY, THAT WAS A GOOD SHOW, RIGHT?

KELLY KAPOWSKI.

[ringing continues]

HEY, I'M IN THE CAR. - DID YOU BANG THE LATINO?

- GUYS! - "LATINA"--IT'S A GIRL.

- DEWEY! - WHO CARES? SAME THING.

- IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

IF IT'S "LATINO," HE BANGED A DUDE.

- SHE WAS A DUDE? - SHE'S NOT A DUDE!

- SO DID YOU BANG HER? - ARE THE BOOBS REAL?

PLEASE DON'T BE OFFENDED.

I KNOW THEY'RE REAL.

[mellow pop music]

- WELL, THANKS AGAIN, "NOT ANDY."

- TOMMY.

- STEFFI.

- HAVE A GOOD DAY, STEFFI.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WITH...

HEY, I'M ON MY WAY. - WHAT HAPPENED?

- IT WAS A DREAM SCENARIO-- SHE'S ON HER WAY OUT,

NO SMALL TALK, NO BREAKFAST. all: NICE.

- THEN SHE GETS A CALL. HER DAD HAD A HEART ATTACK.

- BRUTAL. - NO WAY.

- HEY, ARE THE BOOBS REAL, MAN?

- AND YOU DIDN'T BAIL? I MEAN, OF ALL GUYS...

- HEY, I AM A GENTLEMAN.

PLUS, SHE DID GIVE ME GREAT SEX.

[cell phone ringing] OH, CRAP!

- WHAT? - SHE LEFT HER PHONE!

- TOSS IT OUT THE WINDOW. - SELL IT!

- YOU'RE IDIOTS.

I'D PROBABLY ONLY GET 20 BUCKS FOR IT.

THERE'S NOT EVEN A CAMERA IN IT.

- DUDE, YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT TO HER.

HER DAD'S IN THE HOSPITAL. - I KNOW.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAN, WHEN AM I GONNA CATCH A BREAK?

HEY.

- WE'RE GIANTS FANS.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- YOU FORGOT YOUR PHONE. - OH.

- ¿QUIEN ES EL?

- ESTEFANIA'S BOYFRIEND?

- MA, NOT NOW. HE'S A FRIEND.

- AH. A MORNING FRIEND.

- YEAH.

WE MET AT THE... THE...

WELL, YOU SEE, YOU KNOW... - YEAH, I'M HER BOYFRIEND.

- TOMMY.

- TOMMY.

I'M HER BOYFRIEND, TOMMY. - AH, TOMMY.

- AND IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU...

ALL.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE HEART ATTACK.

NOT GOOD LUCK-- YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S RIGHT.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO, YOU KNOW...

- YES, YOU CAN TAKE ESTEFANIA TO THE HOUSE.

I THINK I LEFT THE OVEN ON.

YOU CAN PACK A BAG FOR YOUR FATHER AND I.

- OH, MA, TOMMY'S GOT A REALLY BUSY DAY.

- I NEED TO GET TO A TAILGATE. - OH, FOOTBALL.

WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND ARE YOU,

STANDING HERE WITH YOUR FACE PAINTED,

REFUSING TO HELP YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY

IN THEIR TIME OF NEED?

- IT'S NOT JUST FOOTBALL.

THE TAILGATE IS A FUNDRAISER...

FOR BLIND KIDS...

AND THE ENVIRONMENT.

OF COURSE I WILL GO TO YOUR HOUSE.

- ESTEFANIA...

WHEN YOU'RE THERE, CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.

GRANDMA NEEDS SOME FRESH AIR.

- ¿QUE?

- ABUELITA, VAYA CON ELLOS. ANDA.

- YES, MA'AM, WE'D LOVE TO TAKE HER.

- VAMOS, ABUELITA.

- DOGS GO ON THE GRILL AT 1:00, BUT DON'T LET THAT RUSH YOU.

- NO, YO NO VOY ALLA ADENTRO. AHI ESTA EL DEMONIO.

- ABUELITA...

SHE THINKS THE HOUSE IS CURSED FROM THE HEART ATTACK.

- EN EL NOMBRE DE DIOS TODOPODEROSO...

- I MIGHT TAKE HER TO THE GAME WITH ME.

YOU THINK SHE'LL DO THAT TO TOM BRADY?

- [continues in Spanish]

- THEY MUST HAVE JUST BEEN SITTING HER EATING

WHEN IT HAPPENED.

- DON'T WORRY. HE'S IN GOOD HANDS.

- YEAH.

- UNLESS YOU GUYS HAVE AN H.M.O.

THEY'LL STILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM,

BUT IT'S GONNA COST A BUTTLOAD AFTER.

WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR PARENTS' STUFF TOGETHER,

AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING IN HERE?

- YOU SURE? - ABSOLUTELY.

DON'T... [oven beeps]

WORRY ABOUT A THING.

[sighs] RIGHT.

AAH!

- [speaking Spanish]

- WHAT...?

[glasses clattering]

STEFFI?

- HEY.

- LOOK AT THAT GIRAFFE.

A TALL THING WEARING A TALL THING.

- [laughs] YEAH, MY DAD GAVE IT TO ME

WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

I WAS THIS GANGLY KID.

I FELT LIKE SUCH A FREAK. - [chuckles]

- HE USED TO CALL ME HIS LITTLE GIRAFFE.

IT ACTUALLY KIND OF HURT MY FEELINGS.

BUT LATER, WHEN HE GAVE MY SISTER A STUFFED PIG,

IT MADE EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT.

[sighs]

[voice breaking] WHAT IF HE...?

- YOU KNOW, A FEW YEARS AGO,

MY BROTHER GOT DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER...

THE BALL KIND.

IT WAS ROUGH. I MEAN, IT WAS THE...

HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH.

BUT HE MADE IT THROUGH BECAUSE HE'S A FIGHTER

AND BECAUSE OUR WHOLE FAMILY WAS BY HIS SIDE.

- I'M GLAD HE'S OKAY.

- THANKS. ME TOO.

- NOW, I SAW YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER TODAY.

THERE'S A LOT OF YOU, BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE WAY

YOU GUYS DO THINGS, RIGHT, WITH...

YOU...

I MEAN THAT YOU CAN...

GET STRENGTH FROM ONE ANOTHER

AND HELP PULL YOUR DAD THROUGH THIS.

MY BROTHER AND I-- WE, UH...

WORE THESE AS A REMINDER

THAT WE WERE IN IT TOGETHER.

AND ANYTIME I'D HAVE A BAD THOUGHT, I'D JUST...

LOOK AT THE BRACELET

AND REMEMBER TO BELIEVE.

- THAT'S REALLY NICE.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW, STEFFI...

BELIEVE.

- THAT WAS THE PERFECT THING TO SAY.

[cell phone ringing]

- WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT AFTER THIS MORNING--

I MEAN, YOU ARE WAY DIFFERENT THAN THE CHICK I WOKE UP TO

ABOUT TO TAKE HER WALK OF SHAME.

- EXCUSE ME?

- "WAY DIFFERENT" GOOD.

- SO YOU'RE SURPRISED THAT I'M AN ACTUAL PERSON

AND NOT JUST SOME HO?

- THOSE AREN'T THE EXACT WORDS IN MY HEAD.

I JUST--I MEAN, I RESPECT YOU NOW.

- I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

- IDIOTA, ¿LASTIMASTE A MI NIETA?

ERES UN GRAN IDIOTA, GRINGO!

- I THOUGHT SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.

- SHE DOESN'T! SHE'S JUST YELLING BECAUSE I'M YELLING!

[horn honks]

- CALM DOWN. I'M JUST TAKING A PICTURE.

- OH, GOD.

[horn honking]

YOUR UNCLE JUDD'S AN IDIOT.

- YOU REALLY DO NOT KNOW ME AT ALL.

BUT I-- OH, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

AND THAT'S WHY I WAS RUSHING OUT OF YOUR PLACE.

YES, IT'S THE WOMAN WHO DECIDES WHETHER OR NOT THERE'LL BE SEX,

BUT IT'S THE GUY WHO DECIDES IF THERE'LL BE A RELATIONSHIP!

AND I WASN'T ABOUT TO WAIT AROUND

AND SEE IF A NEANDERTHAL

WHO PAINTS HIS FACE WAS GONNA GIVE ME THE HONOR

OF ASKING FOR MY PHONE NUMBER!

- TU DISELO, MI'JITA! DISELO!

- YOU TWO ARE TAKING THE SEXY RIGHT OUT OF FIERY LATINAS.

- OH, YOU CAN'T TAKE THE SEXY OUT OF US, BUDDY.

- GRINGO!

- GAS IS ON ME. JUST KEEP YOUR PESOS.

THANK YOU, GRANDMA.

- WELL, HAVE FUN AT YOUR MEATHEAD TAILGATE.

- PROBABLY WON'T BE ANY MEAT LEFT.

OKAY.

- [spits]

- REALLY?

A CHURCHGOING WOMAN LIKE YOURSELF?

- [spits]

- MI'JA, HE'S STABLE.

AND THEY DON'T THINK THEY HAVE TO DO OPEN HEART SURGERY.

- OH, THANK YOU, GOD.

HOLA.

- WHY DID YOU PACK THIS?

- I DIDN'T.

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

[mellow pop music]

- TOMMY!

I'M SO GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID IN THE CAR.

- I GET IT.

I WAS A JERK WHEN MY BROTHER WAS SICK TOO.

I MEAN, NOT THAT YOU WERE A JERK.

- I THINK I WAS.

- YEAH, YOU WERE.

- THIS HAS NOT BEEN MY BEST DAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.

- DON'T MENTION IT.

A TALL THING WEARING A TALL TING.

[both laugh] - LOBBY!

LOBBY, WHERE'S THE LOBBY?

- YOU'RE IN IT.

- THANKS. THANKS, MAN.

- [laughs]

SO WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE

AND WITH ALL THE FOOD?

- I THOUGHT YOUR FAMILY MIGHT BE HUNGRY.

PLUS, I... WANTED TO MAKE SURE

TO GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

- [giggling]

- HERE WE GO. all: AW.

- OKAY, DADDY...

LAST ONE. - UHH! OKAY.

- HEY.

- OH! - TOLD YOU I'D FIND IT.

- WHAT THE HELL IS IT? - JUST WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

IT'S A HIPPO IN A BOWLER HAT.

DALE'S BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR ONE.

- THIS IS GREAT, BUT ACTUALLY,

I WAS LOOKING FOR A GIRAFFE--

A GIRAFFE WEARING A TOP HAT.

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

WELL, A GIRAFFE WEARING A TOP HAT'S HILARIOUS.

WHY WOULD A GIRAFFE NEED A TOP HAT?

HE'S ALREADY TALL.

[light laughter]

SIR GIRAFFINGTON THE DAPPER GIRAFFE

WAS MY WIFE'S FAVORITE TOY GROWING UP,

AND SO I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE COOL

TO SURPRISE HER WITH IT BEFORE THE BABY CAME.

all: OH.

- ANYWAY... - THANK YOU, EVERYONE.

THIS WAS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY...

SERIOUSLY.

- I HOPE YOU'RE READY, BUDDY.

KIDS CHANGE EVERYTHING.

[overlapping chatter] WHAT?

I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT TO EXPECT

WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING.

BABIES ARE KRYPTONITE.

- NO. - YES.

ONE MINUTE, YOU'RE SUPERMAN.

THE NEXT, YOU'RE DRIVING A MINIVAN.

- YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT AN EMOTIONAL TRANSFORMATION, TY,

A WEAKENING OF THE MALE EGO.

KRYPTONITE SIMPLY REMOVES SUPERMAN'S PHYSICAL POWERS.

- RELAX, NERD, ALL I'M SAYING IS DALE'S LIFE IS OVER.

- OH, WELL, I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S ARGUING THAT, NO.

- ANYWAY, WE'RE DONE HERE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[laughter] AND...

YEAH, I'M WEARING A DIAPER.

I'M GONNA BE A FATHER, SO YOU DRESSED ME UP LIKE A BABY.

WELL PLAYED. MM-HMM.

[light laughter]

- YOU GOT SOME GOOD STUFF, DALE.

A MAN CAN'T HAVE TOO MANY BREAST PUMPS.

[laughs] - WHY IS SHE A RECEPTIONIST?

SHE'S HOT AND FRENCH.

SHE SHOULD BE KEPT IN A CAKE DISPLAY

AND COVERED IN POWDERED SUGAR. - SHE'S OTHERWORLDLY.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHEN SHE'S HERE,

THE MOON IS NOT?

I'M JUST POINTING THAT OUT.

- THAT MAY BE BECAUSE IT'S DAYTIME.

BUT SHE IS PRETTY.

- [French accent] HELLO, BOYS.

- MORNIN'.

- HI. - HOLA.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

I'M TOTALLY GONNA ASK HER OUT LATER.

HEY, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR KINGS OF LEON TICKETS.

- UH, NO, I'M GOING TO THAT CONCERT.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE GONNA BE A DAD.

TY SAYS YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- [laughs] THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- IS IT? OH, LET ME ASK A QUESTION.

WHAT'S YOUR PARENTS' FAVORITE BAND?

- I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY GRAND FUNK RAILROAD.

- YEAH, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THAT IS?

'CAUSE THAT'S THE LAST CONCERT THEY EVER SAW.

- OKAY, LOOK, I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER

TO THINK THAT AFTER I HAVE THIS BABY,

I'M NOT GONNA HAVE A LIFE,

THAT I'M GONNA BECOME OBSESSED WITH CAR SEATS

AND CAMCORDERS,

BUT I REFUSE TO BE THAT CLICHE.

- WE'LL SEE.

- WHAT THE HELL'S A GRAND FUNK RAILROAD?

- STILL LOOKING,

BUT I FOUND A PLACE THAT SELLS GIRAFFES

AND A PLACE THAT SELLS TINY HATS.

MAYBE YOU CAN JUST MAKE YOUR OWN DAPPER GIRAFFE.

- WELL, IT'D KIND OF BE LIKE TRYING TO MAKE MY OWN COCA-COLA.

I'M NOT GOD, MEG.

- I CAN'T TELL WHETHER YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC OR NOT.

BUT I'LL KEEP LOOKING. - THANK YOU.

- MM-HMM.

[knock on door]

- HELLO!

- HEY, AUDREY.

- I HAVE SOME PHONE MESSAGES FOR YOU.

- THANK YOU.

OH, WAIT, THIS ONE ONLY HAS SIX DIGITS.

- SIX DIGITS, SEVEN DIGITS-- WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

THEY'RE JUST NUMBERS.

- BUT...

OKAY.

- OH, YOU LIKE THE FOO FIGHTERS.

- OH, YEAH, LOVE 'EM.

- DAVE GROHL IS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

- WHAT?

WHAT? YOU KNOW DAVE GROHL?

- I BABYSIT FOR HIS CHILDREN.

- DAVE GROHL HAS KIDS?

- TWO OF 'EM.

I WANT TO EAT THEM UP. THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS.

- WELL, YOU DON'T HEAR DAVE GROHL COMPLAINING

ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS.

ALL DAVE GROHL COMPLAINS ABOUT IS HOW HARD IT ISN'T.

- [gasps] KINGS OF LEON? - YEAH.

- I'M SO JEALOUS. I LOVE KINGS OF LEON.

- THEN YOU PROBABLY LIKE THE RACONTEURS.

- BUT OF COURSE.

STEADY AS SHE GOES

IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS.

I KNEW YOU WERE DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHER LAWYERS.

YOU ARE VERY COOL.

- AH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT COOL.

MAYBE. WHO AM I TO SAY?

[both chuckle]

HEY, DO YOU LIKE DEVIN THERRIAULT?

- WHO?

- YOU DON'T KNOW DEVIN THERRIAULT?

OH, DEVIN RULES.

HE'S--LET ME-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A MIX CD

WITH SOME OF THE UNDER-THE-RADAR STUFF.

- I-I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO GO TO ANY TROUBLE.

- NO, NO, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. IT'LL TAKE ME TWO SECONDS.

- I WOKE UP WITH THE RISING SUN

I WAS BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

JUMP UP AND PUT ON MY JEANS

IT FEELS GOOD

THEY'RE A LITTLE TIGHT

STEP OUT IN A CRAZY WORLD

BUT THEN THE SUN RESETS YOUR MIND

FEEL THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL JUST DRIFT

OFF ON A CLOUD TO ANOTHER TIME

OOH OOH OOH

OOH OOH OOH

OOH OOH OOH, HELLO, HELLO

OOH OOH OOH

OOH OOH OOH

OOH OOH OOH, HELLO, HELLO

AH

FEELIN' ALIVE AGAIN

ALIVE AGAIN

[Charles Trenet's La Mer]

- DALE? HEY, RICK RONDO,

A&R, UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP.

- HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU. - AH, COME ON.

HI.

- LISTEN, THAT MIX CD THAT YOU MADE...

AMAZING, RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO GIVE US A SHOT AT THAT, RIGHT?

SERIOUSLY, WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO COULD POSSIBLY RELEASE

SOMETHING THIS GROUNDBREAKING.

HAVE YOU SIGNED WITH ANYBODY YET?

- WHAT? - DON'T ANSWER THAT.

HEY, GUYS, EVERYBODY!

THIS IS DALE, WHO MADE THE MIX CD.

- [French accent] THAT IS THE BEST CD MIX I'VE EVER HEARD.

IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

- SEE? I TOLD YOU, DALE.

- HOW DO YOU DO IT?

- AH, IT'S ALL IN THE ORDER OF THE SONGS, YOU KNOW.

- REALLY?

- YOU JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER YOU'RE TELLING A STORY.

- OH, YOU SO GET IT.

[laughter]

[animal grunting]

[grunting continue]

[turns toy off]

- [imitating French accent] "DEAR DALE.

"SANK YOU FOR ZHE MIX CD. TRES BIEN.

O-X-O-X, AUDREY."

- NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS. I WOULDN'T TOUCH IT.

WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE STANDING THIS CLOSE

WITHOUT THOSE HURT LOCKER SUITS.

- THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SOME MIX.

"O-X-O-X"?

STANDS FOR KISSES AND HUGS, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW,

EXCEPT AUDREY PUT THE HUG BEFORE THE KISS.

"O-X."

THAT MEANS SHE WANTS THINGS

TO ESCALATE

- YOU'RE BOTH INSANE

IT'S NO BIG DEAL. I MADE HER A MIX CD.

- A MIX CD. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

IT'S A SEVENTH-GRADE MOVE,

BUT FOREIGNERS DON'T KNOW THAT.

- IF IT'S NO BIG DEAL, RIDDLE ME THIS.

COVER ART OR NO COVER ART?

- DO YOU NOT PUT FOOD ON A PLATE?

IT'S ABOUT THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE.

- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT HOLE YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE.

- WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT? H.R. IS TWO DOORS DOWN.

NOW, SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOTHING.

AUDREY AND I SHARE A LOVE OF MUSIC.

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEED NEW FRIENDS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE TIME FOR THE ONES YOU HAVE.

- [laughing] WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT?

- DALE!

- OH, HEY. - YOU ARE HAVING LUNCH?

I AM HAVING LUNCH!

YOU ARE HAVING LUNCH WITH ME.

- UH, I-I CAN'T.

I'VE GOT TO GET SOME STUFF FOR THE BABY AND--

- DALE, YOU HAVE TO EAT.

LET ME BUY YOU LUNCH, AND THEN WE DO YOUR SHOPPING.

- UH... - PLEASE!

YOU MADE ME THE BEST MIX CD IN THE WORLD.

IT IS THE LEAST I CAN DO.

- WELL-- - SHUT UP! WE'RE GOING.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO ORDER ANY FOOD?

BREAD OR SOMETHING?

- IN FRANCE, WINE IS FOOD.

[giggles]

- I'M JUST NOT USED TO EATING IT FOR LUNCH.

- [giggles]

- OH, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN SMOKE IN HERE.

- SO ARREST ME.

LET ME TEACH YOU HOW TO LIGHT A CIGARETTE FOR A WOMAN.

- HOW HARD CAN IT BE?

- THE HARD PART IS MAKING IT LOOK EASY.

MAKE THE EYE CONTACT THE WHOLE TIME,

STOPPING ONLY WHEN SHE PULLS AWAY.

- READY?

HUH? - TRES BIEN!

- PSH. - I'M SO IMPRESSED.

- HERE. - UH--

- YOU REALLY CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE.

- FINE. WE'LL JUST HAVE TO DRINK TWICE AS MUCH.

- WHAT? NO, NO. LISTEN, I CAN'T.

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK.

- MY FRIENDS AND I ARE GOING TO SEE

THE REIGNING MONARCHS THIS WEEKEND.

YOU WILL COME WITH US. - OH, I'D LOVE TO.

BUT I...CAN'T.

I CAN'T.

- IN FRANCE, WE HAVE AN EXPRESSION--

ET CEUX QUI NE FONT RIEN NE SE TROMPENT JAMAIS.

THOSE WHO NEVER DO ANYTHING CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE I WILL GO.

- THAT IS IT!

- YEAH. - SURPRISE YOURSELF!

- OH, DRINK, DRINK.

- AH. CHEERS.

MMM. - MMM.

[clatter] OH!

MY--I'M SO SORRY.

- CRAP, UM... - UM, HERE, HERE.

- OH, IT IS NOTHING, NOTHING.

I'VE BEEN SHOT. [laughs]

[both laughing]

- I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF.

- WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NOT HERE.

MM-MM. - KIDDING!

[laughs] I'M KIDDING.

BOO! [both laughing]

- THAT'S GOOD. THAT WAS GOOD.

- OH, POOR MARISSA.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER TO TAHOE.

SHE HAS BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO DRINKING IN THE SNOW.

OH, GOD.

[car horn honks]

- CALM DOWN. I'M JUST TAKING A PICTURE.

- UGH. NOTHING.

YOUR UNCLE JUDD'S AN IDIOT.

OKAY, BYE.

LET ME SEE THE PICTURE. - NO, NO, NO. IT'S A NEW CAMERA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- - LET ME SEE IT.

[horn honks]

- YOU'RE STILL A MAN WITH A PURSE.

- IT IS WRITTEN IN YOUR SIGNED ARMISTICE

AND WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE CUTTING OUT

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I LIKE IT.

- [chuckles]

- FOR LOVERS IN A RUSH FOR LOVERS ALWAYS

- [chuckles]

- I LIKE YOU... - OH!

IN HATS.

[clicks tongue]

[laughs]

- I'M NOT REALLY A HAT GUY.

- YOU CAN BE ANY GUY YOU LIKE, DALE.

DO YOU LIKE ME IN PINK?

- WE'LL SEE.

I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DESPISE YOU IN PINK.

- IMPOSSIBLE.

- HEY, I DON'T KNOW.

I MAY ACTUALLY BE A SCARF GUY.

- DALE? - YEAH?

- CAN YOU COME HERE?

I NEED YOUR OPINION.

- UH...

- I'M READY.

- [chuckles softly]

- STOP WORRYING.

[giggles] IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

CLOTHES ARE SOMETHING YOU WEAR...

OR YOU DON'T.

- [whispers] YEAH.

[Charles Trenet's La Mer]

- OH, MY GOD,

THE DAPPER GIRAFFE--

THEY HAVE ONE.

OH, MY GOD.

- WHO CARES ABOUT THE STUPID GIRAFFE?

- WHOA! STUPID GIRAFFE?

I HAVE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR THIS THING.

HE'S WEARING A TOP HAT.

WELL...

WHY WOULD A GIRAFFE WHO'S ALREADY TALL

NEED A TOP HAT?

IT'S HILARIOUS.

WITH THIS ONE TOY,

MY BABY WILL KNOW THE MEANING OF IRONY.

[laughing]

- I DON'T GET IT.

- NO. YOU DON'T.

HEY!

[smacks glass] I FOUND IT!

I FOUND THE DAPPER GIRAFFE!

- WHERE YOU GOING?

- I'M GOING HOME TO SEE MY WIFE.

SEE YA.

- SO DALE IS GAY.

- CHLOE! CHLOE, I FOUND IT!

- [gasps] SIR GIRAFFINGTON, THE DAPPER GIRAFFE!

- [laughing]

- OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT HIS LITTLE TOP HAT.

- I KNOW. IT'S HILARIOUS. - BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY TALL.

- OH, EXACTLY.

COME HERE. MMM.

LISTEN, I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN ACTING WEIRD LATELY,

BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM TO BE A FATHER.

- WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE ONE.

ANNIE'S IN LABOR. - SERIOUSLY?

- YES, WE HAVE TO PICK HER UP. LET'S GO!

- OKAY, YOU HAVE TO DRIVE. I HAD SOME WINE.

- WAIT, WHAT? - I'LL TELL YOU IN THE CAR.

LOBBY...

LOBBY, WHERE'S THE LOBBY?

- YOU'RE IN IT.

- THANKS.

THANKS, MAN.

OUT OF MY WAY.

MY WIFE'S SISTER'S HAVING MY BABY.

- OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD!

I KNEW YOU WERE TOO LITTLE TO WATCH THE HOUSE BY YOURSELF.

WILL YOU-- GET SOMETHING TO UNLOCK HIM.

- SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS. - ARE YOU KIDDING?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WENT DOWN HERE,

BUT I LIKE IT. - ARE YOU OKAY?

- I'M FINE. BETTER THAN FINE.

GWENDY CALLED NINE TIMES, AND I DIDN'T ANSWER.

AT FIRST, BECAUSE THIS THING REALLY IS BOLTED TO THE WALL,

BUT THEN I REALIZED, I'VE BEEN ACTING CRAZY,

THANKS TO DISTANCE, PERSPECTIVE...

AND MARISSA.

- DID YOU AND MARISSA...?

- OF COURSE NOT, AUNT COLLEEN.

SHE JUST HELPED ME SEE THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN BEING CLINGY AND BEING ROMANTIC.

CAN YOU GET MY PHONE FOR ME? - OH, YEAH.

- YOU MAY NOT WANT TO TAKE

ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM AN ALCOHOLIC CHEATER.

BUT BALANCE IS GOOD.

- IT REALLY IS.

EVEN WHEN YOU CAN'T FEEL YOUR HAND.

- THERE YOU GO.

- [chuckles]

- CAN YOU HIT THIS FOR ME?

- OH, PSH. [giggles]

- YEAH.

- OHH, BOY.

[overlapping chatter]

- SO WHO WANTS TO RIDE WITH ME?

- I DO.

- OKAY, BUT NO SPITTING, LIKE THE OLD LADY.

- OH, MY GOD.

YOU ARE SUCH A CLICHE.

- HI, DADDY. HI.

- CAN YOU SAY BLACK KEYS?

NOT YET. OKAY.

I'M GONNA CHECK THE SEAT ONE MORE TIME.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - [baby cooing]

- OH.

- HOW CAN I SAY THANK YOU?

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME EVERYTHING.

- ACTUALLY, I'VE DECIDED TO KEEP HIM.

- [laughing] - I'M SERIOUS.

NO, NOT REALLY.

WELL, I'M KIND OF SERIOUS.

CAN I JUST HAVE HIM ON WEEKENDS?

- IS THIS WEIRD FOR YOU?

- YEAH, KIND OF.

I'VE BEEN WITH LITTLE GRIFFIN FOR NINE MONTHS NOW.

- HIS NAME IS KEVIN. - NOT IN MY HOUSE.

- OKAY, WE'RE CALLING HIM GRIFFIN NOW.

- WE--OKAY.

- WELL, THAT'LL MAKE UP

FOR DALE'S INSENSITIVE CLOSE-UPS RIGHT THERE.

- COME HERE, LITTLE MAN.

- BE CAREFUL, DADDY. - I GOT HIM.

- HERE.

CAREFUL.

- ALL RIGHT, DON'T DROP HIM. - I WON'T DROP HIM.

- OKAY. - OH, GOD.

COME HERE. COME HERE.

DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE

A BIG PART OF HIS LIFE.

- OKAY.

- OKAY. WE GOOD, SWEETIE?

- HUH? YEAH, WE'RE GOOD!

EVERYTHING OKAY? WE'RE GOOD? OKAY.

- HI! - OKAY. OKAY!

- OH...

[tires screech] HI!

- ANNIE, I'M SORRY. - THAT'S COOL.

I GIVE YOU A BABY, YOU LEAVE ME AT THE CURB.

- [laughing] I'M SO SORRY.

- THANK YOU.

- OH!

- AW.

[giggles]

[Cloud Cult's You Were Born]

- YOU WERE BORN INTO A STRANGE WORLD

LIKE A CANDLE, YOU WERE MEANT TO SHARE THE FIRE

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE COME FROM

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE GO

BUT MY ARMS ARE MADE TO HOLD YOU

SO I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO

'CAUSE YOU WERE BORN