Original subtitles

- NOW THE REASON WE'RE HERE

IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER

WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM

EVERYBODY STAND UP

OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD

SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

[Simple Minds' Don't You (Forget About Me)]

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

OOH-OOH-OOH

OHH

- [sports announcer]

AND IF YOU CRACK THE BOOK ON EVANS,

YOU SHOULD KNOW TO KEEP THE BALL OF THE STRIKE ZONE

BECAUSE HE'S A ONE-MAN WRECKING CREW.

- HEY, BUDDY, I KNOW YOU'RE ON YOUR LUNCH,

BUT YOU GOT A SEC?

- YEAH. WHAT'S UP?

- NOTICE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS?

- "MOST LIKELY TO PRUDENCE."

- HMM. - I'M SORRY, DAD.

I JUST--I CAN'T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD.

- I KNOW IT'S BEEN A ROUGH COUPLE OF MONTHS.

BUT I GOT A VOLLEYBALL TROPHY OUT HERE THAT READS,

"MOST VALUABLE PRUDENCE."

[game music, chatter]

TAKING THIS BREAKUP KINDA HARD, HUH?

- IT'S NOT A BREAKUP.

WE'RE JUST TAKING A BREAK.

IT'S LIKE THAT SAYING, IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING,

SET IT FREE, AND IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO YOU.

- STRIKE.

- ALWAYS.

- I LOVE YOU, PAL, BUT YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF A PLAN "B."

I KNOW WHAT'LL CHEER YOU UP.

[cheering]

THAT SKINNY LITTLE BASTARD IS 1 FOR 26

AGAINST RIGHT-HANDED PITCHING, AND STILL HE GETS ON BASE.

THIS HAS GOTTA BE OUR YEAR.

- YOU BET YOUR ASS IT'S OUR YEAR.

LOOK WHO'S COMING UP.

- DANTE EVANS.

- I DUNNO, DANTE'S BEEN IN A SLUMP LATELY.

IF HE WANTS TO GET ON BASE, HE NEEDS TO SAY A PRAYER

TO THE PATRON SAINT OF BASEBALL.

- DANTE DOESN'T NEED SAINT RITA OF CASCIA.

HE'LL BE FINE.

HE'S JUST GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME.

- SWINGING...

IT IS... HOME RUN!

[both cheer] - DING-DONG!

STRAIGHT INTO THE PARKING LOT.

- I KNEW HE COULD DO IT. HE NEVER LETS ME DOWN.

- YEAH. - EXCUSE ME.

I WAS HOPING TO FIND A TROPHY FOR DOGS.

- BACK WALL, THIRD SHELF. - TAKE WHAT YOU WANT.

- DANTE, IT'S YOUR 11TH WALK-OFF THIS YEAR.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER THIS THE END OF YOUR RECENT SLUMP?

- I'D HAVE TO SAY SO, CHIP.

- YOU KNOW, YOU'D THINK ONE OF THESE PITCHERS

WOULD BUY AN XBOX.

THE HOLE IN HIS SWING IS LOW AND AWAY.

- THANK YOU, DANTE. - THANKS, MAN.

HEY, BABY.

- HEY, THAT GIRL KINDA LOOKS LIKE PRUDENCE, HUH?

- YOU THINK?

- BUT ONLY TIME WILL TELL IF EVANS CAN WALK OFF

WITH ANOTHER DIVISION TITLE.

- WOW, SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE PRUDENCE.

- PRUDENCE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE BASEBALL.

- YEAH, AND, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF GIRLS

HAVE THE HAIR LIKE THAT AND WEAR THE--

OH, MY GOD.

- OH YEAH

I AM IN MISERY

THERE AIN'T NOBODY

- IT'S NOT ENOUGH YOU BROKE MY HEART,

YOU HAD TO DATE MY HERO?

- HI, SAM.

- WHO'S NEXT ON YOUR TO-DO LIST,

THE GREEN LANTERN? BONO?

- SAM, PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN.

- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I DATED YOUR HERO?

- OPRAH? - STINGS, DOESN'T IT?

ME FRENCHING OPRAH ON TV?

HER HANDS EVERYWHERE.

- SAM, I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU.

AND AS CRAZY AS THIS MAY SOUND,

YOU KIND OF HAD A HAND IN BRINGING US TOGETHER.

- WHAT? - IT'S TRUE.

DO YOU REMEMBER A FEW WEEKS BACK

DANTE HAD THAT BOOK SIGNING FOR HIS BIOGRAPHY?

- DANTE'S IN FUEGO.

I COULDN'T GO. I HAVE CONJUNCTIVITIS.

- WELL, AFTER HOW THINGS ENDED

I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU.

BUT DANTE AND I GOT TO TALKING,

AND, I MEAN, THANKS TO YOU I KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM--

HIS LOVE OF PANINIS,

HIS INTEREST IN CLEAN COAL TECHNOLOGY,

HIS FIJIAN OUTREACH PROGRAM.

- YOU SAID THAT YOU NEEDED A BREAK FROM RELATIONSHIPS.

- I NEEDED A BREAK FROM YOU.

- BECAUSE I'M NOT FAMOUS?

- BECAUSE YOU WATCH LIFE FROM THE SIDELINES, SAM.

HOW COME YOU NEVER WENT ON THAT JOB INTERVIEW I GOT YOU?

THAT SPORTS MAGAZINE.

- I HAD TICKETS TO A DOUBLEHEADER.

- WHAT'S THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

- WHEN WE WON THE SERIES IN '02.

- WE? SAM, REALLY?

WHAT POSITION DID YOU PLAY?

- THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL--FAN.

- SAM, YOU'RE NOT A DOER.

YOU'RE A LOT OF WONDERFUL THINGS,

BUT YOU'RE NOT THAT.

- I'M NOT A "DON'T-ER."

- WHAT'S UP, BABY?

YOU IN THE MOOD FOR SOME BENIHANA?

- OH, MY GOD.

- DANTE, THIS IS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE, SAM.

HE'S A BIG FAN OF YOURS.

- WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- HI.

- YOU DON'T SAY?

- HI.

THEN HE INVITED ME TO DINNER,

AND I THINK I PEED A LITTLE BIT, DAD.

I PEED IN FRONT OF MY HERO.

- THOSE BIG STARS, THEY'RE USED TO THAT.

SO YOU GONNA GO?

- I DON'T KNOW. HOW COULD I NOT GO?

I'VE GOT HIS ROOKIE CARD, HIS FATHEAD WALL ART.

THE GUY'S A FIRST-BALLOT HALL-OF-FAMER.

IF BARRY BONDS AND BABE RUTH HAD A CHILD--

- HIS HEAD WOULDN'T FIT THROUGH THE BIRTH CANAL.

YOU SHOULD GO.

- BUT HOW CAN I SIT ACROSS FROM THE GUY

WHEN I KNOW HE'S PLAYING SLAP-AND-TICKLE

WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE?

- THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM.

- BUT IS IT INSURMOUNTABLE?

I HAVE DREAMED OF HAVING DINNER WITH DANTE EVANS.

WELL, IT WAS MORE LIKE BEER AND WINGS,

AND BONO WAS THERE TOO.

BUT HE WOULDN'T EAT THE WINGS.

- WHO'S HE SHOWING OFF FOR?

LISTEN, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE CHANCE TO BREAK BREAD

WITH DANTE FREAKIN' EVANS.

WOMEN COME AND GO.

HEROES ARE FOREVER.

- THAT IS TRUE.

MAYBE I CAN DO THIS.

- OF COURSE YOU CAN.

YOU'RE A SACOVITCH.

YOU'LL SACK UP,

WEAR YOUR BEST SUIT,

LOOK HIM IN THE EYE,

AND SHAKE HIS HAND.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

- THE WORLD'S BEST SON. - AH.

- IT'S AN HONOR, DAD.

BUT I CAN'T GO ALONE.

- WELL, I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND YOU A DATE.

[laughter]

- OH, MAN.

- OH, DANTE, YOU ARE A CHARACTER.

IS HE NOT A CHARACTER?

HEY, WHEN YOU WON THE BATTING TITLE IN '06,

WHAT KIND OF METAL DID THEY USE FOR THE TROPHY?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I WIN MY NEXT ONE.

- HA! YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE?

TO YOU, BUDDY.

- YOU KNOW, SAM USED TO PLAY.

HE WAS REALLY GOOD.

- OH, NOT REALLY GOOD.

I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER

IF IT WEREN'T FOR A MEDICAL CONDITION.

- HIS LEFT LEG'S SHORTER THAN HIS RIGHT.

- THE DOCTORS TOLD US TO PULL IT,

BUT ME AND MY WIFE HAD OUR OWN STUFF TO WORK THROUGH, SO...

- OH, DANTE, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIM THE BAG?

- IT'S A LITTLE TOKEN FOR MY BIGGEST FAN.

- HOO-HOO-HOO.

- HOLY-- - OH!

- IS THIS AUTOGRAPHED BY THE WHOLE TEAM?

- YEAH, WELL, EVERYBODY BUT MURDOCH.

HE CAN'T READ.

- MOTHER OF MERCY.

IS THIS--

- DANTE MIST.

- THAT'S NOT EVEN ON THE SHELVES YET.

- 100% CANE SUGAR.

INFUSED WITH EXCELLENCE.

- EXCUSE ME, MR. EVANS.

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT MY HUSBAND IS A GIGANTIC FAN.

- JUST A LITTLE BIT.

- COULD YOU SIGN HIS SHIRT?

- AIN'T NO BOTHER AT ALL, BIG FELLA.

YO, DANTE LOVES THE LOVE.

- OH, DANTE LOVES THE LOVE.

- OKAY. - THANK YOU.

- GOT YOU. THERE YOU GO.

- OKAY.

- OH, BAM.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- GOOD NIGHT. COME ON.

- GOOD NIGHT. - GOOD NIGHT!

- SORRY ABOUT THAT. - THAT'S DANTE.

HE ALWAYS MAKES TIME FOR A FAN.

- I JUST DO WHAT I DO, BABY.

[phone chimes]

EXCUSE ME, WON'T YOU? - MM-HMM.

- HOW 'BOUT THAT? YOU TWO HAVE THE SAME PHONE.

- YEAH, BUT HE PROBABLY HAS FAMOUS PEOPLE ON HIS SPEED DIAL.

I ONLY HAVE YOU AND COUSIN BARRY.

- DON'T SELL YOUR COUSIN SHORT.

HE MET THE MAYOR ONCE.

- HEY, SCOTTY BOOKED ME ON THAT TAQUITO HEAVEN COMMERCIAL.

- OOH, I LOVE THEIR SALSA VERDE.

- SPICY!

DANTE FEELS BAD.

DANTE'S BEEN JAWING ABOUT HIMSELF ALL NIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES OR WHAT?

- [laughs] M--

UM...

WELL, I--

- YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT HE IS.

I TELL YOU WHAT, ONCE THIS KID LINES UP

A PLAN "B," WATCH OUT.

HE COULD BE PRESIDENT.

- HA, WELL, MAYBE NOT PRESIDENT.

- [giggling]

- EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAVE TO--

I'M SORRY, THIS IS AN IMPORTANT--

I HAVE TO--THIS IS--

- HEY.

- HI.

- YOUR DAD SEEMS LIKE HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.

- YEAH, WELL, IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS SINCE MOM LEFT,

SO IT'S JUST NICE TO SEE HIM FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN.

- [laughs]

- SO ARE YOU...

- I'M GREAT. I-I'M GREAT.

HOW 'BOUT YOU, PRU?

ARE YOU--ARE YOU HAPPY?

LIKE--LIKE REALLY HAPPY?

- I THINK SO, YEAH.

- WELL, THEN I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

THAT'S--DANTE'S A CLASS ACT.

- MM-HMM.

- I GUESS THE... GUESS THE BETTER MAN WON.

- OH...OH, NOT BETTER.

JUST DIFFERENT.

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU CAME TONIGHT, SAM.

- ME TOO.

- I SHOULD, UM...

- YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU

SEAT THE CUSTOMERS ALL NIGHT.

HOW'D YOU LIKE A STRAW FOR THAT SHAKE, GIRL?

- THINK YOU CAN HANDLE ALL THIS?

- WHY DON'T YOU TEXT ME AFTER YOU GET OFF WORK

AND WE'LL FIND OUT?

- DANTE.

WHY?

- I DIDN'T EVEN SEE YOU STANDING THERE, JIM.

- IT'S SAM.

- YEAH. YO, YOU KNOW, HEY.

YOU KNOW HOW IT GETS ON THE ROAD.

YOU KNOW, DANTE GETS TENSE.

- YOU'RE NOT ON THE ROAD.

- DANTE GETS TENSE AT HOME TOO.

PRUDENCE KNOWS THE DEAL.

- WHAT, THE DEAL?

NO, I'M PRETTY SURE PRUDENCE DOES NOT KNOW THE DEAL.

AND I THINK--I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TELL HER.

- OR WHAT?

- OR I-I WILL.

- REALLY?

WHO IS SHE GONNA BELIEVE, MAN,

HER LOSER OF AN EX-BOYFRIEND

OR THE GUY THAT JUST BOUGHT HER

A WALL-SIZED THOMAS KINKADE,

THE PAINTER OF LIGHT?

- YOU KNOW, I USED TO DEFEND YOU.

PEOPLE WOULD CALL YOU A SELF-ABSORBED,

WASHED-UP 'ROID FREAK WITH A HOLE IN HIS SWING

THE SIZE OF CHICAGO.

YOU'RE NO HERO.

YOU'RE A JOKE... INFUSED WITH DOUCHERY.

- AIN'T NO HOLE IN MY SWING.

- LIKE HELL, THERE ISN'T.

YOU SUCK, EVANS.

I BET THAT DANDELION COULD STRIKE YOU OUT.

- [laughs]

- OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN STRIKE ME OUT, DANDELION?

- UHH...

- UHH. SOUNDS LIKE A YES TO DANTE.

- OKAY, ONE AT-BAT.

IF I STRIKE YOU OUT,

YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN TO PRUDENCE.

- FEELS PRETTY GOOD TO TRY TO BE THE HERO, HUH?

WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS, HERO?

WHEN YOU LOSE, YOU GET GONE FOR GOOD

AND LET ME BANG YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND IN PEACE.

- OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE--

YOU'RE GONNA BE RESTIN' IN PIECES WHEN I'M DONE

DOING TO YOU WHAT I--

WHAT I'M GONNA-- WHAT I'M GONNA DO TO YOU.

CAN WE JUST DO THIS?

- YEAH. I KNOW A LITTLE PARK RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

- YOU READY?

- UH, I THINK SO.

- DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE. - OKAY.

- YOU DO THOSE STRETCHES?

- WHERE WOULD I HAVE DONE STRETCHES, DAD,

IN THE CAR?

[grandiose rock music]

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET HIM GET THE CHECK.

- IT'S OKAY.

THINK I'M ABOUT TO PAY FOR IT NOW.

[hip-hop music]

- BET YOU'RE REGRETTING THOSE BUFFALO WINGS NOW.

- THEY WERE FOR THE TABLE.

- YEAH.

- HEY, UH, WOULD YOU HOLD MY PHONE FOR ME?

THERE MAY BE SOME TROPHY-RELATED EMERGENCY CALLS COMING IN.

- SURE. THIS IS REALLY EXCITING,

BUT ARE YOU OKAY DOING THIS

WITHOUT YOUR CORRECTIVE CLEATS? - HA!

- I HAVE THE PUFF FROM MY COMPACT

IF YOU WANT TO STUFF IT IN YOUR SHOE.

- I'LL BE FINE.

OOH!

GIVE ME THE PUFF.

[Dante chuckling]

YOU SERIOUS?

YOU WANNA DO THIS.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON.

- OOH OOH

SO OFF WE GO

LET THE TRUMPETS BLOW

- ALL RIGHT, SON, HERE WE GO.

- TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.

- WOW!

I MEAN, THAT IS AMAZING.

I HAVEN'T SEEN A 30-MILE-AN-HOUR FASTBALL

SINCE I WAS, LIKE, SIX.

- [laughs]

- YEAH, WELL,

THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

- [laughs]

- THAT IS GOOD NEWS. 40 MILES AN HOUR THIS TIME.

- YOU CAN DO IT!

- COME ON.

- ALL RIGHT, GIVE HIM THE HEAT!

GIVE HIM THE HEAT!

- FORE!

COME ON.... COME ON, COME ON.

- OH...

- OHH! - HA HA!

- HEY, BABY, REMIND ME.

I NEED TO SEND A CHECK TO THAT DUDE

WHOSE WINDOW I JUST BUSTED IN EL MONTE.

- TIME.

- WHAT AM I DOING? I CAN'T BEAT THIS GUY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, BUDDY, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

LOOK WHERE YOU ARE, SAMMY.

YOU'RE NOT ON THE SIDELINES ANYMORE.

YOU'RE OUT HERE ON THE MOUND!

AND WIN OR LOSE,

YOU GOT A TROPHY WAITING AT HOME FOR YOU

THAT READS "PARTICIPANT."

- THANKS, DAD.

TELL YOU WHAT,

SET ONE ASIDE THAT SAYS "WINNER."

- THAT-A-BOY.

RIP HIS NUTS OFF.

COME ON. COME TO PAPA.

- [exhales]

[organ plays "Charge!"]

male announcer: THIS IS DEFINITELY A HITTER

WHO CAPITALIZES ON MISTAKES.

SO THE PITCHER WILL WANT TO KEEP THE BALL

AS FAR OUT OF HIS WHEELHOUSE AS POSSIBLE.

[voice echoing] ANYWHERE ELSE WILL...

[jet engine sound]

- OH, MY GOD!

- [coughing]

I'M GOOD! - NONSENSE!

YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

YOU COULD HAVE A COLLAPSED LUNG.

- WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

- BABY, I BARELY TAPPED IT.

HEY, LITTLE MAN, I'M SORRY.

YOU WANT ONE OF MY JESUS CHAINS?

- [coughs] - DANTE!

- A JESUS CHAIN AND A HUG?

[cell phone chimes]

- OH. SAM?

DON'T FORGET YOUR PHONE.

- THAT'S NOT MINE.

I MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT CONFUSED.

I THINK IT'S DANTE'S.

- "HI, DANTE. IT'S BETHANY.

"I'M READY TO BE YOUR M.V.P.,

MOST VALUABLE--"

[gasps]

- DANG, BABY. I MEAN, SOMEBODY MUST HAVE HACKED DANTE'S PHONE.

- WHO IS BETHANY,

AND WHY IS SHE READY TO BE YOUR M.V...P?

- HEY, BABY, DANTE'S...

- DID YOU GIVE HER DANTE'S PHONE ON PURPOSE?

- NEVER HURTS TO HAVE A PLAN "B."

- [laughs]

RIPPED 'EM OFF, DIDN'T YOU?

- HEY, MY NUMBER'S ON GOOGLE.

- GOOGLE?

MOST VALUABLE--

- I'M GONNA MISS YOU AROUND HERE, SAMMY.

NOBODY ASSEMBLES DOUBLE-COLUMN TROPHIES

QUITE LIKE YOU.

- MONKEYS CAN DO THAT, DAD.

BESIDES, I'M MOVING UP.

I KNOW THE MAILROOM AT SPORTS ILLUSTRATED

ISN'T THE WHITE HOUSE,

BUT AT LEAST I'M IN THE GAME.

[doorbell chimes]

- OH, PRUDENCE.

I PROBABLY SHOULD, UH,

BOX UP THOSE IRREGULAR SPELLING BEE TROPHIES.

- HOW'S YOUR CHEST DOING?

- OH, UH, IT'S FINE.

THESE WERE MY LEAST FAVORITE RIBS ANYWAY.

- DANTE AND I ARE ALL DONE.

- THAT'S SO FUNNY.

DANTE AND I ARE ALL DONE, TOO.

- YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR ME.

THANKS.

- YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT, I SHOULD BE THANKING YOU

FOR THE WAKE-UP CALL.

I'VE BEEN MAKING SOME CHANGES IN MY LIFE,

AND I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THEM OVER COFFEE

OR DRINKS OR ANYTHING BUT DANTE MIST.

- THAT'D BE NICE.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

THAT'S THE BALL THAT STRUCK OUT DANTE EVANS.

- BUT I DIDN'T STRIKE HIM OUT.

- YEAH.

KINDA DID.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, SAM

- HERE WE GO WITH HOUSE NUMBER 14.

THE BIG ONE-FOUR.

UNO-QUATRO.

- AT THIS RATE, WE'RE GONNA BE RENTERS FOREVER.

I THINK WE SHOULD STOP LOOKING AT HOUSES

AND START LOOKING AT NURSING HOMES.

- NO, FORGET NURSING HOMES.

WHEN WE TURN 60, WE'RE MOVING TO AFRICA

WHERE THEY WORSHIP THE ELDERLY.

HELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST GO THERE NOW.

- HEY, WHY SNEAK OFF TO THE CONGO

WHEN THINGS ARE JUST DANDY HERE IN THE REPUBLIC OF CHAD?

[chuckles]

OH, THIS NEXT PROPERTY IS A PEACH.

NOTICE THE EXPOSED BEAMS IN THE CEILING.

THOSE WERE HAND-HEWN

BY A FAMILY OF RELOCATED AMISH CRAFTSMEN.

- OH, DO YOU SEE THIS BAY WINDOW OVERLOOKING THE GARDEN?

IT'S LIKE A GIANT MOVIE SCREEN OF NATURE.

- DO YOU SEE THE LAWN IN THE BACKYARD?

I CAN FINALLY GET MY LAWNMOWER!

- WHAT?

- AND PAY A NEIGHBOR BOY TO USE IT!

OHH!

- HA HA HA! THIS IS AMAZING!

I COULD COOK EGGS BENEDICT HERE.

- I COULD EAT EGGS BENEDICT HERE.

- ONE COULD COOK OR EAT EGGS ANYTHING

ON THIS STYLISH CHESTERFORD ISLAND.

AND WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN,

PAPA BEAR CAN UNLEASH HIS MANHOOD

ALL OVER THE PATIO GRILL.

1,500 SQUARE INCHES OF FLAME-BROILING NIRVANA.

- NO WAY!

- WAY, MY GOOD MAN. WAY, INDEED.

OH, BOTHER.

- WHAT? - I KNOW THAT LOOK.

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.

YOU'RE UNHAPPY WITH THE NEIGHBORS.

HEY, YOU KNOW THAT KID WITH THE RAT TAIL

IS JUST THE GARDENER'S SON.

YOU SAY THE WORD,

AND YOURS TRULY CAN CALL INMIGRACION.

- WHAT? NO.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN--

I THINK I HAD SEX HERE, ALL RIGHT?

- OH. IS THAT ALL?

WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

RAINY DAY, OPEN HOUSE, NOBODY CAME,

EXCEPT YOURS CHADLY.

- I'M STARTING TO THINK IT WAS A MISTAKE

MEETING YOUR REAL ESTATE AGENT OUTSIDE OF A GROCERY STORE.

- IT WAS A FARMERS MARKET.

- I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL JUDD.

- OR YOU COULD WAIT FOR A MORE APPROPRIATE TIME AND PLACE.

- LIKE WHEN?

- HIS FUNERAL.

IT'LL MAKE FOR ONE CRACKER OF A EULOGY.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE A UNITED FRONT.

WHY UNDERCUT HIS ENTHUSIASM WITH UNNECESSARY FRANKNESS?

[knock at door]

- WE ARE SO BUYING THIS HOUSE!

[laughs]

- EULOGY, HUH?

- HE DOES HAVE A HEART ATTACK BODY.

- I MIGHT BE GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE,

BUT I THINK THAT HOUSE IS PERFECT.

- YEP.

- I ALREADY CAME UP WITH A NAME FOR IT.

ROUSCHER MEADOWS.

HUH? IT WAS LIKE WHEN I WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR,

THE WHOLE HOUSE GREETED ME WITH A HUG,

AND I THINK I'M READY TO HUG BACK.

WITH MONEY. A MONEY HUG.

LET'S DO IT. CAN WE DO IT?

I WANNA DO IT.

- I HAD SEX THERE.

- W-WHO DID? - I DID...

HAVE SEX...

IN THE HOUSE.

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WE'D NEVER BEEN IN THAT HOUSE BEFORE.

OH.

OH!

- LOOK, IT WAS, LIKE, A MILLION YEARS AGO, OKAY?

WE HOOKED UP AFTER A SIMPLE MINDS CONCERT.

IT MEANT NOTHING.

- WHOA! YOU HAD SEX IN OUR DREAM HOUSE,

AND YOU WENT TO A SIMPLE MINDS CONCERT?

- THEY OPENED FOR HOWARD JONES

AT THE L.A. COUNTY FAIR.

SHUT UP, OKAY?

I HAD A PAST BEFORE YOU PLANTED YOUR FLAG IN ME, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE NOT BUZZ ALDRIN.

- BUZZ ALDRIN WAS THE SECOND GUY ON THE MOON.

- WELL, YOU'RE NOT HIM, EITHER.

JUDD, COME ON, WE LOVE THIS PLACE, ALL RIGHT?

AND WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND ANOTHER ONE LIKE IT,

SO ONE CRAZY WEEKEND

SHOULDN'T PUT AN END TO ROUSCHER MEADOWS.

- WEEKEND? WOW! - OH, CRAP.

- WHAT KIND OF A WEEKEND WAS IT?

A LONG WEEKEND, LIKE A HOLIDAY WEEKEND?

SO NOW YOU'VE RUINED THE HOUSE

AND MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.

- IT'S JUST MY LOCKER ROOM STORY, ALL RIGHT?

JUST LIKE THE ONE THAT YOU TELL

ABOUT HOW YOU APPARENTLY ALMOST HAD SEX

WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IN AN AIRPLANE BATHROOM.

- WHOA! I DID ALMOST HAVE SEX

WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IN AN AIRPLANE BATHROOM.

- OKAY, HONEY.

LOOK, THIS GUY HAS A PAGE.

NO, NO, NO, HE HAS A PARAGRAPH

IN THE BOOK OF MY LIFE,

BUT YOU... YOU HAVE CHAPTERS.

ALL RIGHT?

NOW LET'S GO GET THIS HOUSE,

AND LET'S WRITE A WHOLE BUNCH MORE.

- TSK.

HOWARD JONES?

- I LIKED HIS HAIR AND HIS BLAZERS.

SO, WE OKAY?

- YES! - YEAH.

- PFF! - PFF!

- [laughs] YES.

- OKAY. OKAY.

- DUDE, YOU GOTTA DIVORCE HER, MAN.

- YEAH, I AM NOT DOING THAT.

[cheering]

YEAH!

- OW!

- [laughs] - GO!

WELL, YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HOUSE.

- DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BEGRUDGE HER SEXUAL PAST,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO EAT NEAR IT.

DANTE, LET'S DO IT, BABY!

WHOO HOO HOO HOO!

I KIND OF HAD DINNER WITH THAT GUY THE OTHER NIGHT.

- THE KITCHEN. - WHAT?

- I BET THAT'S WHERE IT STARTED.

COLLEEN TOTALLY SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF CHICK

YOU JUST KIND OF BREAK HER IN RIGHT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.

GET HER RIGHT UP THERE...

- OKAY, BOUNDARIES.

- IS THERE A MUDROOM? - YES.

- OKAY, THEY PROBABLY JUST GOT RIGHT DOWN TO BUSINESS

BEFORE THEY EVEN TOOK THEIR SHOES OFF.

- I COULD ACTUALLY PROVIDE YOU WITH A FLOOR PLAN

SO YOU CAN MORE ACCURATELY IMAGINE HIM VIOLATING MY WIFE.

- THAT WOULD BE HELPFUL. - OKAY.

- BY THE WAY, NOT MY FAULT THE PLACE IS SEXUALLY HAUNTED.

ALL RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE A MAN ABOUT IT

AND PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN?

- YOU ARE SO CLEARLY NOT MARRIED, IT'S ALMOST CUTE.

COLLEEN IS HEAD OVER HEELS FOR THIS HOUSE, DAN.

SHE'S ACTUALLY SET UP ANOTHER PRIVATE VIEWING

FOR LATER ON TODAY.

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

- OH HO. OH, NO, THERE IS ONE THING.

- WHAT?

- IF YOU WISH TO SLEEP UNDER THE ROOF

WHERE THE UNSPEAKABLE DEED TOOK PLACE,

YOU MUST BANG THE DEMONS AWAY.

- OH, YOU MEAN, LIKE...

- A SEXORCISM.

- HUH? - THANK YOU.

- RIGHT? - THANK YOU, POTHEAD,

FOR ANOTHER COMPLETELY UNHELPFUL SUGGESTION.

- WHAT? NO. NO, NO, NO, MAN.

YOU JUST--YOU REPLACE HER CRAZY MUDROOM SEX...

- I GET IT.

- WITH YOUR OWN MUDROOM SEX, MAN.

THAT'S IT. BOOM, IT'S DONE.

SEXUAL HAUNTING FINITO. - RIGHT.

- IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.

[applause]

- OR I COULD BE A SOBER ADULT.

I COULD DO TO COLLEEN EXACTLY WHAT SHE DOES TO ME

EVERY TIME SHE WANTS TO PISS ON MY PARADE.

I COULD UNDERCUT AND NITPICK.

I COULD FIND FAULT IN EVERY ROOM IN THAT HOUSE.

- I LIKE MY IDEA BETTER.

- BOOYAH! - THERE.

- AS YOU REMEMBER, THE REAR GARDEN

IS LINED WITH BOTH DWARF KOREAN LILACS

AND HANGING BOUGAINVILLEAS

TO AFFORD THE UTMOST OF PRIVACY.

- YEAH, WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,

YOUR DRAINAGE IS 15% TO 18% OFF GRADE.

- I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR NUMBERS.

- WELL, I GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR NUMBERS.

UH...

OH! BINGO.

RODENT DROPPING.

- UH, ACTUALLY, I BELIEVE

THAT'S THE HEAD OF A WOOD SCREW.

- UH...

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND?

- WHAT?

- OKAY, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY STILL UPSET.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- THEN WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?

- I JUST DON'T WANT US TO SINK OUR HARD-EARNED SAVINGS

INTO A MONEY PIT.

- SO YOU'RE JUST BEING FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE

AND NOTHING ELSE IS BOTHERING YOU?

- WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME DO MY WORK?

[horror movie music]

[zipper sound] [Colleen giggling]

- IS THAT ALL FOR ME?

[giggling]

[horror movie music] [Colleen giggling]

I AM SO GLAD TOMORROW'S MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.

[giggling]

[giggling, dance music playing]

OUCH!

THAT'S HOT.

WAIT. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

- IT'S FRICKIN' EVERYWHERE!

- WHAT? WHAT IS?

- THE GHOST OF YOUR SLUTTERY.

- WHOA! THAT IS NOT COOL.

AND THAT IS NOT A WORD.

- OKAY, LET'S DIAL IT DOWN.

WE'VE ALL HAD SEX IN MANY, MANY PLACES,

BUT LET'S NOT ALLOW ONE TRAMP'S SORDID INDISCRETION

GET IN THE WAY OF ALL-TIME-LOW MORTGAGE RATES.

- WOW, YOU TOLD HIM.

- IT JUST SLIPPED OUT, OKAY?

I AM A GOOD PERSON!

- [laughs] - OKAY!

IT'S TIME TO PULL OUT THE BIG GUNS.

THERE'S ONE ROOM I HAVEN'T SHOWN YOU.

- [gasps]

SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!

- WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW US THIS ROOM BEFORE?

- I HONESTLY DIDN'T THINK

YOU WERE GONNA QUALIFY FOR THE LOAN,

SO KUDOS.

- THIS COULD BE MY ROCK ROOM, COLLEEN.

I MEAN, THIS--

I COULD DO MY MIX SAMPLES IN HERE.

I COULD ROCK OUT ON THE DRUMS.

- I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE.

- MY PLAYS! COLLEEN,

I COULD FINISH WRITING MY PLAYS.

[door closes] - OH, IT WOULD BE NICE

TO PUT FRAIL WINTER ON ITS FEET.

- LOOK, I'M SKEEVED OUT.

THAT MUCH WE KNOW.

BUT I REALLY LOVE THIS HOUSE,

AND I WOULD LOVE TO MAKE THIS OUR HOME.

- I KNOW. I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE COMING AROUND ON THIS,

BECAUSE IT REALLY WAS NO BIG DEAL.

- GREAT. TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

- WHAT?

- COME ON, WE GOTTA SEXORCISE THIS HOUSE, COLLEEN,

AND WE'RE ON THE CLOCK.

- JUDD, YOU'RE SCARING ME.

- NO! WE GOTTA PURGE THE SEXUAL GHOSTS

WITH A NEW MEMORY, BANG THE DEMONS AWAY.

- BANG THE DEMONS AWAY? THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT?

- YOU HAD CRAZY SEX WITH THIS GUY, RIGHT?

NOW YOU GOTTA HAVE CRAZIER SEX WITH ME.

LET'S WRITE A NEW CHAPTER IN THIS HOUSE--

A DIRTY ONE.

- OKAY, LET'S GO.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED.

Chad: ME, EITHER.

- GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, CHAD.

- LEAVING! - I WANT SOME OF THAT

- HOO HOO HOO! - THAT WAS GOOD, RIGHT?

- [laughs] I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS.

- HEY, IF YOU TWO HAVE ANY ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS,

DARYL, THE OWNER, JUST DROPPED BY.

- OH. - OH.

UM, ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEAH, I'M COOL.

I JUST MARKED MY TERRITORY.

DO I LOOK OKAY?

- YEAH, YOU HAVE SEX HAIR. - SEX HAIR'S PERFECT.

HEY! HEY, BUDDY, GREAT HOUSE.

- YEAH. HAD SOME GOOD TIMES HERE.

- OKAY, SO WE'RE THERE.

HI, DARYL. [laughs] THIS IS AWKWARD, HUH?

- WELL, SURE. I MEAN, NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO SELL THEIR HOUSE.

HEY, THEY CAN BLAME OBAMA,

BUT IT STARTED WITH BUSH, RIGHT?

- [laughs]

- REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NO, IT'S COLLEEN.

- IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, COLLEEN.

- WOW.

OKAY...WOW.

UM...CHAD?

CAN YOU SHOW ME THAT DRAINAGE PIPE THING?

- I'VE ALREADY SHOWED YOU THAT--

- SHUT UP, CHAD.

- DARYL? - HMM?

- UM, LOOK, UH...

HEH HEH. - WHAT?

- I, UH... I GOT A FAVOR TO ASK.

IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD,

UH, BUT, UH...

LOOK, APPARENTLY, A FEW YEARS AGO,

YOU HAD SEX WITH THE MISSUS.

- WHAT?

- YEAH. - UH, NO.

- YEAH. - I DON'T THINK SO.

OR...

OH, LOOK, IF YOU GUYS ARE INTO SOME WEIRD SWINGERS THING--

- NO, NO, NO.

AND WE COULD DO A LOT BETTER, SO...

UM, BUT YOUR PATIO IS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS.

THE BARBE--UH...

LOOK, MAN, YOU HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE.

YOU DID. THINK ABOUT IT.

LATE '90s.

YOU, UH...YOU MET HER AT A SIMPLE MINDS CONCERT.

YOU REMEMBER SIMPLE MINDS, HUH?

DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME

I'LL BE ALONE

SOMETHIN', SOMETHIN'

MOLLY RINGWALD

both: HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

OOH OOH-OOH OOH

WHOA

- YEAH, I REMEMBER.

- MY WIFE?

- NO, THE SONG.

- UH, REALLY?

OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.

UM, OKAY, LOOK, I LOVE MY WIFE.

I THINK SHE'S UNFORGETTABLE,

AND BECAUSE I ALWAYS WANT TO MAKE HER FEEL THAT WAY,

AND I'M GUESSING, UH,

YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING FOR FULL ASKING PRICE?

I GOT A LITTLE, UH...

I GOT A LITTLE PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

OH, THAT'S IT. JUST LAY IT ON THICK.

DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING BEFORE.

IT WAS TOO AWKWARD.

SIMPLE MINDS.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

OH, NO, DON'T GO FOR THE HUG.

OH! HE WENT IN FOR THE HUG.

- AND SCENE.

- GET OUT, CHAD. - OKAY.

- WELL, SAY GOOD-BYE TO ROUSCHER MEADOWS.

- WHY?

- IT'S JUST TOO AWKWARD

WITH THE SEX AND HIM NOT REMEMBERING IT.

I KNOW YOU PUT HIM UP TO IT, ALL RIGHT?

HIS PERFORMANCE WAS STIFF AND REHEARSED.

AND YOU KNOW, SOMETHING HE SAID

SOUNDED VAGUELY FAMILIAR.

"THE MEMORY OF OUR TORRID AFFAIR

HAS TURNED MY WINTER HEART TO SUMMER."

THAT'S THE LINE FROM YOUR PLAY, JUDD.

- IT'S ALSO A BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED THOUGHT, COLLEEN.

- [laughs]

THANKS FOR BEING SUCH AN EASY MAN TO LOVE.

- YEAH, WELL, THANK YOU FOR LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH.

- [laughing]

- I'LL MISS YOU ROUSCHER MEADOWS!

- OH HO HO, NO, WE'LL BE BACK.

MIDNIGHT TONIGHT,

WE ARE EGGING THIS BASTARD'S HOUSE.

- OH, HO HO.

I LIKE IT.

[upbeat piano]

- THESE HAVE BEEN THE HAPPIEST SIX DAYS,

FIVE NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.

- SI, JULIA. IT'S VERY SAD.

I MISS.

- I MISS, TOO.

HOW AM I GONNA GO BACK TO WICHITA AFTER THIS?

- IF YOU LIVE IN THIS WICHITA,

IT MUST BE HEAVEN.

- WE DO HAVE A TAQUITO HEAVEN.

THEIR SALSA VERDE GOT THREE SOMBREROS

IN THE LOCAL PAPER.

I WISH I COULD SHOW IT TO YOU.

- SHH.

NOT TO SPEAK.

SAY "PRUNES," HMM?

ALL THE SUPERMODELS SAY "PRUNES."

- PRUNES.

- MY CAMERA WAS STOLEN RIGHT AFTER WE TOOK IT.

THANK GOD I'D DOWNLOADED THE PHOTOS.

DARN, JULIA, YOU GO TO RIO AND FALL IN LOVE.

ALL I GET'S A MONTHLY HUG AND TUG

FROM THE MEAT GUY AT THE SUPER SHOP.

JUST SHOWS TO GO YA.

- WILL YOU TWO HENS STOP CLUCKING?

GO BACK TO THE PART

WHERE MARCELO CHANGED ON THE STREET

INTO HIS BATHING SUIT.

- NO, THAT WAS ME.

- OH. WELL, HE MUST HAVE CHANGED AT SOME POINT.

- I WISH I HAD YOUR BALLS, JULIA.

YOU JUST DO THINGS.

- WELL, MY FATHER ALWAYS SAID, "DO THINGS, JULIA."

- SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT MAN.

SO, DO YOU THINK YOU'LL SEE MARCELO AGAIN?

- WELL, I'VE GOT ANOTHER VACATION IN 11 MONTHS,

AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'M GONNA BE READY.

- I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL.

- WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL.

I'LL JUST WASTE IT ON SCRATCH TICKETS AND INSULIN.

- GOT SOME SAD NEWS, PEOPLE.

NANCY GOT INTO A BOATING ACCIDENT.

- WAIT, BLONDE NANCY OR BLACK NANCY?

- BLACK NANCY. - OHH!

- NOT SURE SHE'LL BE COMING BACK.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE'LL BE PASSING AROUND A CARD LATER.

DENNIS, LET'S TRY AND KEEP OUR REMARKS PG.

- JEEZ. YOU DRAW ONE WINKING PENIS

ON A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

- I WONDER WHO'LL GET HER CORNER CUBICLE.

- KAREN, IT'S TOO SOON.

BESIDES, YOU DON'T JUST GET THE CORNER CUBE.

YOU HAVE TO EARN IT.

NANCY LED THE "PAPERLESS CHARGE" BACK IN '06.

SHE WORKED 12 YEARS WITHOUT TAKING A SINGLE SICK DAY.

- UNTIL THE BOATING ACCIDENT.

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO UNVEIL

THAT BIG IDEA OF YOURS, JULIA.

- WHAT IDEA?

NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT ANY IDEA.

AM I BEING FIRED?

- NO, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING TO COUNTERACT THE BAD PRESS WE GOT

AFTER THE HUFFING INCIDENT AT WITZEL JUNIOR HIGH.

MAYBE IF IT COMES UP, I'LL MENTION IT.

- HEY, FORWARD ME SOME OF THOSE PHOTOS.

THE WIFE AND I ARE DUE FOR A VACATION,

AND I'D LOVE TO SPEND SOME TIME IN MARCELO.

I MEAN, RIO... WHERE I WOULD BRING VIVIAN

FOR PURPOSES OF SEX IN HER VAGINA.

[Mozella's Gonna Getcha]

YOU COME WITH THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYES

UH, UH, I'M GONNA GETCHA

UH, MMM, OH

I'M GONNA GETCHA

MM MM MM MM MM

- JULIA!

- OH, MARCELO.

- JULIA!

- MARCELO?

- JULIA!

JULIA!

ESPLENDIDO WICHITA!

[Brazilian Carnival music]

- MARCELO, HOW DID YOU-- WHAT DO YOU--

- SHH. NOT TO SPEAK.

I MUST BE WITH YOU NOW.

- I'LL BUZZ YOU IN. - HUH?

- BUZZ? YOU KNOW, BUZZ?

- WHO'S BUZZ?

A BOYFRIEND? I WILL KILL HIM!

- NEVER MIND. I'LL COME AND GET YOU.

[Chica Chica Boom Chic]

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.

- WHY NOT?

I HAD MILE POINTS.

AND I HAD TO SEE YOU.

- WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

- YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING.

I CARE FOR YOU, JULIA.

I WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

- I CARE ABOUT YOU, TOO.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- TO MAKE YOU DINNER.

- OH.

BUT IT'S MIDNIGHT.

- SHH.

- NOT TO SPEAK, RIGHT?

OH, NO. YOUR SHIRT.

I SEE NO SHIRT.

[timer dings]

DINNER IS SERVED.

- YOU SMELL LIKE SEX AND BOOZE.

- THAT'S BECAUSE WE HAD WINE WITH DINNER

AN HOUR AGO.

I BARELY GOT ANY SLEEP.

YOU WANT TO HEAR HOW HE WOKE ME UP?

- YEAH. [cell phone rings]

- OH, VIVIAN, THIS IS A BAD TIME.

NAG.

LIKE SHE'S THE FIRST PERSON TO HAVE A BIOPSY.

ANYWAY, BACK TO MARCELO BEING NAKED.

- JULIA, KAREN TELLS ME YOU HAD A GEM OF A MARKETING IDEA.

- OH, YES, SURE.

WELL, IT'S TO COUNTER THE BAD PRESS WE GOT

FROM THE WITZEL HUFFING INCIDENT,

TO MAKE THE STUDENTS NOT WANT TO HUFF THEM.

"UNHUFFABLES," IF YOU WILL.

- "UNHUFFABLES."

WELL, IT'S FUN TO SAY.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT IT.

WE'LL SEE IF THERE'S EXTRA TIME

IN THIS AFTERNOON'S MEETING.

[cheerful Latin guitar music]

- YOU'VE GOT A GREAT SEX LIFE,

A GOOD IDEA, AND THE BOSS'S EAR.

OH, I SMELL THE CORNER CUBICLE.

AND A LITTLE WINE STILL.

I'LL GET YOU MY TOOTHBRUSH.

SOMETIMES I SLEEP HERE.

THERE'S NO REASON TO GO HOME.

[strumming]

HEY HEY HEY HEY

OOH OOH OOH OH OH OH

- MARCELO, WHAT ARE YOU...

- MOMENTO.

[playing guitar]

[singing Don't You (Forget About Me) in Portuguese]

NOW NOW NOW NOW

- I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

- I WANT TO KILL VIVIAN.

- MARCELO, HOW DID YOU GET PAST SECURITY?

THEY'VE BEEN REALLY STRICT SINCE THE SHOOTING.

- WELL, YOU CANNOT DENY A MAN ENTRANCE

WITH SUCH LOVE IN HIS HEART.

COME WITH ME.

I WANT TO DIE INSIDE YOU PRESENTLY.

- OH, MY.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL, BUT I CAN'T--

I CAN'T REALLY LEAVE.

- WELL, I THINK YOU CAN.

- NO, YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS MEETING,

AND I TOLD MY BOSS--

DO YOU KNOW THE WORD "CUBICLE"?

- WHATEVER IT IS, I WILL EAT IT OFF YOU.

- OH, FOR GOD SAKES, JULIA.

- [whispering] GO WITH HIM, YOU DUMB BITCH.

- AW, SCREW THE MEETING.

[Flamenco music]

[moaning]

OH. OH, GOD.

I FEEL A LITTLE BAD ABOUT MISSING THE MEETING.

- SHH.

- OKAY, SORRY.

- MARCELO BE BACK SOON.

- OKAY.

[breathing heavily]

OKAY, TAKE YOUR TIME.

[cell phone chimes] - YOUR THIGHS ARE MY CHURCH.

- ESPLENDIDO WICHITA.

- SI, SI.

BRAVO, MARCELO.

[chimes]

OH!

- YEE-HEE!

- YOU LIKE?

- OOH, VERY, VERY MUCH.

- YOU WERE WORKING?

- NO.

MAYBE A LITTLE.

- BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD.

- OOH.

- THIS IS DISCOURAGING.

- I'M SORRY. I'M JUST A LITTLE STRESSED ABOUT WORK.

- IN BRAZIL, IT'S SIMPLE.

WHEN YOU WORK, YOU WORK.

WHEN YOU SEX, YOU SEX.

- OH, MMM.

YES, BUT A CUBICLE BECAME AVAILABLE,

AND I'M A LITTLE WORRIED.

- CUBICLE?

THAT'S WHAT YOU WORRY ABOUT?

THE JULIA I MET IN RIO HAD NO STRESS.

SHE WAS HAPPY.

- YES, HAPPIER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN.

BUT THAT WASN'T REAL JULIA.

THAT WAS VACATION JULIA.

- ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

- YES, WITH YOU,

BUT I NEED TO WORK, AND IT'S HARD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS IN BRAZIL,

BUT THE DRY-ERASE MARKET HERE IS VERY COMPETITIVE.

OOH.

- KNOW WHAT I THINK? - WHAT?

- I THINK VACATION JULIA

IS THE REAL JULIA.

OOH!

- OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE MOVING TO BRAZIL!

- YES, HE ASKED ME TO GO TO BRAZIL,

BUT I CAN'T, CAN I?

- YES. YES, YOU CAN.

DO IT!

WHAT THE HELL IS KEEPING YOU HERE?

- WELL, I FINALLY FEEL LIKE

I FINALLY HAVE A SHOT AT THE CORNER CUBICLE.

- WOMAN, I SWEAR TO CHRISTMAS,

IF YOU DO NOT GET ON THAT PLANE,

I WILL GO CHIMP ATTACK ON YOUR FACE

AND MAKE THAT CUBICLE YOUR TOMB!

- DENNIS, GO GET A DRINK OF WATER.

- RIGHT.

- JULIA, LOOK AT MY FACE.

DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

BECAUSE THIS IS WHO YOU'RE GONNA BE SEEING IN THE MIRROR

TEN YEARS FROM NOW.

- KAREN, LET'S BE FAIR.

MY DIET IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM YOURS.

I MEAN, YOU SHOTGUN GRAPE SODA AND LIVE ON SLIM JIMS.

- IT IS CALLED COPING, JULIA.

YOU KNOW WHEN THAT SHOOTER WALKED PAST MY DESK?

I TOUCHED HIS SHOE

JUST TO MAKE HUMAN CONTACT.

I WANT MORE FOR YOU.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

- THAT'S WHAT MARCELO SAID,

THE LAST PART, I MEAN.

- HE'S RIGHT.

YOU HAVE TO THINK LONG AND HARD

ABOUT WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY,

AND THEN YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT.

- HEY. I'M SO GLAD YOU PACK SO LITTLE.

MOST OF THE TIME, YOU'LL BE WEARING NOTHING BUT SAND.

- OH, I'M SO GONNA MISS THAT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU.

THIS IS YOUR SHIRT.

MY CO-WORKER DENNIS

IS GONNA KILL ME FOR GIVING IT TO YOU.

- BUT I WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

- AND YOU DID.

YOU GAVE ME A HAPPY VACATION,

BUT I NEED TO GIVE ME A HAPPY LIFE.

- BUT ONLY YESTERDAY, WE--

- NO, SHH, NOT TO SPEAK.

MARCELO, MY DARLING,

YOU'RE BRAZILIAN AND AMAZING,

AND WHAT YOU'RE OFFERING ME IS RIDICULOUSLY TEMPTING.

BUT I'M AN AMERICAN.

I LIKE TO WORK.

I LIKE TO WORK MYSELF TO THE BONE.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THERE'S AN OFF-CHANCE

SOMEONE ABOVE ME MIGHT NOTICE

AND GIVE ME A RAISE.

AND THEN I CAN BE A HOMEOWNER.

I WANT TO TAKE OUT A MORTGAGE ON A HOUSE I CAN'T AFFORD.

- WELL, THIS PLACE LOOKS NICE.

- KEEP DRIVING. - REALLY?

- OH, YEAH, ALL OVER THE BREAKFAST NOOK.

UP TOP.

- WOW. - I'M NOT KIDDING.

SERIOUSLY, IT WAS MY STUDY BUDDY FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

- YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

- I WANT TO SPEND THE LITTLE LEISURE TIME I HAVE

PLOPPED IN FRONT OF A GIANT FLAT-SCREEN TV.

- JUST MOVE THE JOYSTICK AND HIT THE "X" BUTTON.

crowd: OOH!

- LIKE THAT?

- [laughing] YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.

- BUT THANK YOU, MARCELO.

THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORK,

THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR A LITTLE VACATION JULIA.

YOU'LL ALSO NOTICE...

AND AS MUCH AS I WANT TO MAKE LOVE

ON THE SANDY BEACHES OF RIO,

MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD...

I WANT THAT CORNER CUBE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, DENNIS?

I WISH A GUY LIKED ME ENOUGH

SO I COULD BREAK HIS HEART LIKE THAT.

- ME, TOO.

I MEAN, WITH A CHICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- LA LA LA LA LA LA

WHEN YOU WALK ON BY

LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com