Original subtitles

- NOW, THE REASON WE'RE HERE

IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER

WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM

EVERYBODY STAND UP

OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD

TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

- WE ARE YOUNG, WE RUN FREE

- "KEEP ON TRUCKIN'."

JUST--IT SEEMS A LITTLE ON THE NOSE,

SINCE YOU'RE, YOU KNOW, A TRUCKER.

- THAT'S HOW I LIVE MY LIFE, SON.

- WELL, HEY, IF YOU WANT A COOL PHILOSOPHY,

WHAT ABOUT JOSEPH CAMPBELL?

THAT DUDE SAID SOME PRETTY HEAVY STUFF,

LIKE, UH, "WE MUST LET GO OF THE LIFE WE HAVE PLANNED

SO AS TO ACCEPT THE LIFE THAT IS WAITING FOR US."

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. - IT'S NOT BAD.

KIND OF LONG. DOESN'T HAVE THE WORD "TRUCK" IN IT.

- ALL I'M SAYING IS, WHAT IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE CAREERS?

- DAN, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

- YEAH, ONE MINUTE.

LIKE, WHAT IF YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY

AND YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO BE, LIKE,

A MAGICIAN, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE IT

TO SOMETHING LIKE, UH, "KEEP ON TRICKIN'."

WAIT. THAT'S BETTER FOR A MALE PROSTITUTE.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT A MALE PROSTITUTE?

- OKAY, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

- WHAT IS WITH THE MANHANDLING? I'M WORKING.

- SEE THAT SIGN?

THAT SIGN SAYS "JUDD'S TATTOO PARLOUR,"

NOT "DAN'S OPINIONS."

- ACTUALLY, IT JUST SAYS "TATTOO PARLOUR."

WHAT'S WITH THE "U" ANYWAY?

- UH, THAT GIVES US CLASS.

SEPARATES US FROM THE TATTOO PARLOR

DOWN THE STREET THAT SELLS CRACK.

- THAT "U" PAYS FOR ITSELF, MAN.

- MY POINT IS UNLESS A CUSTOMER WANTS A SWASTIKA

OR A REPUBLICAN CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, YOU GOT TO GIVE THEM EXACTLY--

AND YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I'M SAYING.

WHAT? - HERE COMES ALEX.

QUESTION--WHO IS THE HOTTEST GIRL IN VENICE?

- ANSWER--MY WIFE,

BECAUSE I LOVE HER, AND SHE HAS EARS EVERYWHERE.

HI, REGAN!

- ALEX KEEPS IT REAL, MAN.

I BET SHE BRUSHES HER TEETH WITH A STICK.

I BET SHE MAKES HER OWN FLIP-FLOPS OUT OF DREAMS.

- HOW HIGH ARE YOU? - NOT AT ALL.

- AMAZING. - THAT'S THE GIRL FOR ME, MAN.

YOU JUST KNOW SHE HAS NO HANG-UPS.

THAT'S A GIRL WITH ZERO BAGGAGE.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? - LOOK AT HER.

SHE'S ABOVE IT ALL, MAN.

IT'S LIKE SHE KNOWS STUFF WE DON'T KNOW,

LIKE DOES GOD EXIST, OR IS WRESTLING REAL?

I WANT TO MARRY HER. HOW DO I LOOK?

- WELL, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE PONYTAIL.

I KNOW. IT HAS HALF YOUR PERSONALITY.

- ALL MY PERSONALITY.

- WELL, AT LEAST IT'S BACK TO IT'S ORIGINAL COLOR.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, THAT PINK WAS--

AND NOW YOU'RE JUST SCOOTING AWAY

IN THE MIDDLE OF ME TALKING TO YOU?

I'M TALKING--

- HEY, ALEX. - HI, DAN.

- HEY, LET ME CARRY THIS FOR YOU.

- THANKS. - CHIVALRY LIVES.

HEY, LISTEN, IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING,

WHY DON'T YOU POP IN THE SHOP? I'LL GIVE YOU A FREE TATTOO.

- YEAH? WHAT WOULD I GET?

- UH, HOW ABOUT A MOP, SINCE YOU COULD MOP THE FLOOR

WITH EVERY WOMAN ON THIS STREET?

- WOW. - UH, YEAH, SORRY.

THAT WAS REALLY LAME. I MEANT FOR THAT TO BE LAME.

- I REALLY HOPE SO.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THINKING

ABOUT GETTING ANOTHER ONE.

I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHAT.

- YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, THAT'S KIND OF MY THING.

WITHIN TEN SECONDS OF MEETING SOMEBODY,

I CAN TELL EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF TAT THEY NEED.

- YEAH? - YEAH.

- GO FOR IT.

- I GOT NOTHING. YOU'RE PERFECT.

ACTUALLY, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T COME IN THE SHOP.

WE'D JUST BE BANTERING LIKE THIS ALL DAY.

- HERE... YOU NEED TO HYDRATE.

YOU'RE WORKING WAY TOO HARD. - OH.

OOH, CHAMPAGNE. ARE YOU CELEBRATING?

- YEAH, I'M HAVING A PARTY AT THE GALLERY TONIGHT.

- PARTY? I LOVE TO PARTY. - I REMEMBER.

I SAW YOU LAST YEAR AT THAT ART OPENING.

YOU WERE WEARING A CAPE AND ROLLER SKATES.

- OH, REMEMBERING EVERY DETAIL--

SOMEONE'S GOT A SECRET CRUSH.

SO YOU SEEM LIKE THE KIND FO GIRL WHO'D THROW A PARTY

AROUND 9:00--9:00-ISH.

- OH, MAN, MY DAISIES.

I KNOW IT'S THE PIT BULL FROM THAT ANTIQUE STORE.

HE'S ONLY GOT THREE LEGS.

SO IF YOU SAY ANYTHING, YOU'RE AN A-HOLE.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GET RID OF THAT.

THANKS AGAIN, DAN. - YEAH.

- YOU'RE SWEET.

BYE. - BYE.

- NOTHING AT ALL

WHOO-HOO, WHOO-HOO, HOO OOH OOH

NOTHING AT ALL

- SO SHE DEFINITELY INVITED YOU?

I JUST DON'T WANT A REPEAT OF THAT ART OPENING.

- DUDE, SHE TOTALLY INVITED US. WILL YOU RELAX?

IT'S NOT HEALTHY. YOU GET ALL RED-FACED AND PUFFY.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA GET YOU?

- WHAT? - A GENTLEMAN'S FACIAL.

GUYS CAN DO THAT NOW. IT'S NOT JUST FOR GAYS ANYMORE.

- OKAY, SEE, THIS WORRIES ME.

PLEASE JUST TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID TO YOU.

- LET'S JUST SAY SHE PUT OUT THE VIBE.

- OH, THE VIBE. - YEAH.

- THE VIBE THAT YOU WERE INVITED

EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T INVITE YOU?

- I DEFINITELY PICKED THAT UP.

- DID YOU TELL HER?

DID YOU TELL HER?

DID YOU TELL HER? - DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT US?

- DID YOU TELL HER?

- WOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE.

WHY DID I WEAR THIS SHIRT?

I LOOK LIKE A CALIFORNIA GRAPE.

- CHECK IT OUT.

WE STUMBLED INTO A HOT LESBIAN BEER BASH.

- WHY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, THAT ALEX IS A LESBIAN?

- WOMEN ARE FLEXIBLE, JUDD.

THEIR--THEIR SEXUALITY IS MORE FLUID THAN OURS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S, LIKE, "WHAT DO I WANT?

"DO I WANT SOMETHING ROUGH AND HAIRY TONIGHT,

OR DO I WANT SOMETHING SOFT?"

IT'S LIKE A SPRINKLE OF BOB AND A DASH OF MARIE.

THESE LADIES DON'T CARE. THEY'RE JUST HUNGRY.

OH, THERE SHE IS RIGHT THERE.

- TAKE A PICTURE, LADIES.

[cheers and applause]

- DID YOU TELL? DID YOU TELL HER?

DID YOU? DID YOU? DID YOU TELL HER?

- OH-HO.

- THIS IS THE KIND OF PARTY GOD WOULD THROW.

I GUESS HE DOES EXIST.

- WHAT IS--THIS IS, LIKE, A GIRLS GONE WILD VIDEO.

LIKE, ANY SECOND, THEY'RE GONNA POUR BEER

ON THEIR CHESTS AND FLICK ON THE AIR CONDITIONERS.

- YOU'VE JUST NEVER BEEN AROUND A LADY

WHO'S FULLY REALIZED.

- WHOA. MY WIFE IS FULLY REALIZED.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES SHE'LL GO TO THE STORE,

AND SHE FORGETS TO WEAR A BRA.

I MEAN, IT MIGHT JUST BE LAZINESS,

BUT IT GETS MY MOTOR RUNNING. - I'M GONNA GO SAY HI.

UH, WAIT, SHOULD I WAIT TILL SHE PUTS THE TOP BACK ON?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET A DRINK, AND THEN I'LL DECIDE.

- OKAY.

- DID YOU TELL HER?

- DID YOU TELL HER WHAT WE DID?

- DID YOU TELL HER?

- DID YOU TELL HER I WAS COOL?

- DID YOU TELL HER?

- DID YOU TELL HER YOU WERE HOT?

- YOUR TURN.

- OH. UH, OKAY.

YOU KNOW, IF THEY WERE BIGGER, I COULD SIGN MY WHOLE NAME.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER THAT WELL.

I'M JUST GONNA SIGN HER CLAVICLE.

- DID YOU? DID YOU? DID YOU TELL HER?

- DID YOU TELL HER?

- DID YOU? DID YOU? DID YOU TELL HER?

DID YOU TELL HER?

- DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT US?

- DID YOU TELL HER?

- DID YOU TELL HER WHAT WE DID?

[cell phone rings]

- HEY, BABE. - HEY, I WANT TO BAKE A CAKE.

SO CAN YOU BRING HOME SOME CAKE STUFF?

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST BRING HOME A CAKE.

- YOU ARE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHERE I AM.

I'M AT THIS CRAZY PARTY WHERE ALL THE GIRLS

ARE TAKING TOPLESS PICTURES

AND ALL THE FOOD LOOKS LIKE BREASTS.

- FUN. I'M FOLDING SOCKS. - DAN MADE ME COME.

HE'S REALLY CRAZY ABOUT THE GIRL WHO RUNS THE GALLERY,

WHO RIGHT NOW IS HAVING HER BREASTS SIGNED BY TWO GAY GUYS.

- AND I'VE MOVED ON TO YOUR UNDERWEAR.

HEY, YOU KNOW, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THAT PARTY

THAT I WENT TO FOR MY COUSIN, ELIZABETH.

- OH, YEAH, BUT THAT WAS SAD.

SHE HAD BREAST CANCER, RIGHT?

- DID YOU TELL HER?

DID YOU? DID YOU? DID YOU TELL HER?

- DON'T YOU THINK YOU'D BETTER?

- YOU'RE AT A "GOOD-BYE BOOB" PARTY?

- YES. YES. SHE'S SAYING GOOD-BYE TO HER BOOBS.

I SHOULDN'T BE HERE. I'VE NEVER EVEN MET HER BOOBS!

- YEAH. SO WHY ARE YOU THERE?

- UH, I DON'T KNOW. DAN SAID THERE WAS A VIBE.

I GOT TO FIND HIM. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.

- HE'S NOT WITH YOU? JUDD, MAKE HIM NOT BE STUPID.

- OKAY. OKAY.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE ARE CUPCAKES HERE.

IT'LL SAVE ME A TRIP TO THE STORE.

- OH, YES, YES, YES. GET CHOCOLATE.

OKAY, BUT GO FIND DAN. - OKAY.

- THEN EMBEDDED IN THE METAL OF A WINDOW GUARD

A SLIM TITANIUM BUSINESS CARD

- OH. - HEY, WHAT'S UP?

- WOW. DAN'S HERE. - YEAH.

I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY, YOU KNOW?

IT'S VENICE, RIGHT? - RIGHT.

- YEAH. HEY, BY THE WAY, I LOVE THIS THEME.

IS, UH, SOMEBODY GETTING A BOOB JOB?

- YEAH. YOU COULD SAY THAT.

- OH, MY GOD. IT'S NOT YOU, IS IT?

WE JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS, SERIOUSLY.

I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY YOU DON'T NEED ANY WORK DONE.

- DAN, I'M HAVING A MASTECTOMY.

- ALEX, HEY.

- HI. - GREAT PARTY.

I MEAN, NOT, UM, GREAT, BUT, UH, EMPOWERING.

I WOULD IMAGINE.

UM, LOOK, WHATEVER HE SAID, HE'S SORRY.

UH, I'M SORRY. AND, UH, DO ME A FAVOR.

UM, TAKE WHAT I WROTE ON YOUR CLAVICLE

WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.

- YOU GUYS, IT'S FINE. ENJOY YOURSELVES.

AND, HEY, DON'T LEAVE

WITHOUT TRYING A MEXICAN BOOB COOKIE.

- HEY.

OH.

MY ONE NIGHT OUT,

I'M WEARING A PURPLE SHIRT, AND I CRASH A CANCER PARTY.

THANKS, BUDDY. - WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

- NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'RE A DOUCHE.

AND YOU'RE ALREADY A DOUCHE, SO THAT'S DOUCHE SQUARED.

AND WHEN YOU SQUARE SOMETHING,

YOU JUST DON'T TIMES IT BY TWO, DANNY.

IT'S TIMES ITSELF. THAT'S DOUCHE TIMES DOUCHE.

- I KIND OF FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT SUPPORTING ME HERE, JUDD.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S 9:00.

WE'LL STAY FOR A HALF HOUR, RIGHT?

THEN WE'LL TAKE A CUPCAKE.

THROW IT IN A NAPKIN FOR MY PREMENSTRUAL WIFE.

AND THEN WE'LL SAY OUR GOOD-BYES.

YOU CAN DO THAT-- HALF AN HOUR, BUDDY.

- OKAY. YEAH. 30 MINUTES. - 30--YOU CAN DO THAT.

RIGHT UP HERE. ALL RIGHT. - I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS.

- OF COURSE YOU CAN. - 30 MINUTES.

- GOOD NIGHT, DAN. - OH, HEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

I WAS, UH, JUST LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT. I'VE GOT ONE AT HOME.

- IT'S OKAY. I GET WHY YOU'D WANT TO BOLT.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAME HERE THINKING YOU MIGHT GET LAID

OR SOMETHING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES,

THAT PROBABLY WOULD'VE HAPPENED.

- I'M SORRY. - OH, PLEASE DON'T BE.

IT'S FINE. I'M--I'M DRINKING CHAMPAGNE.

IT'S A GOOD NIGHT.

- YOU, UH...

SEEM PRETTY OKAY WITH THIS.

- WELL, MIGHT AS WELL GET A GOOD PARTY OUT OF IT, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

YEAH.

- HEY, DAN, CAN I--

CAN I ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME...

EVEN THOUGH IT'S GONNA SOUND A LITTLE STRANGE?

- UH, SURE.

- WOULD YOU GET TO SECOND WITH ME?

- WHAT? YOU MEAN, LIKE, YOU WANT ME TO...?

- YEAH.

COME ON, YOU'LL BE THE LAST GUY WHO GETS TO FEEL THE REAL ME...

UNLESS SOME ORDERLY AT THE HOSPITAL

DECIDES TO GET A LITTLE FREAKY, YOU KNOW?

[chuckles]

- YEAH. YEAH. SURE.

- I SHOULD PROBABLY WARM THESE UP A LITTLE BIT.

- STRANGE YOU NEVER KNEW

FADE INTO YOU

- IT'S A SHAME.

YOU REALLY...

HAVE GOOD BOOBS.

- I KNOW.

[crying] THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.

- NO. OH, MY GOD. I'M SORRY. I MADE YOU CRY.

- NO. NO. PLEASE DON'T TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE-- I HAVE OTHER REASONS.

- YEAH. NO. OF COURSE.

UH, YOU KNOW, IN HARD TIMES,

UM...

I ALWAYS SAY...

"KEEP ON TRUCKIN'."

- REALLY? "KEEP ON TRUCKIN'"?

THANKS, DAN. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

- I THINK IT'S STRANGE YOU NEVER KNEW

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID TO HER.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SAID, "HANG IN THERE, KITTY,"

OR, "A FRIEND WITH WEED IS A FRIEND INDEED."

- I KNOW. I KNOW. I TOTALLY BLEW IT.

I COULD'VE BEEN THERE FOR HER.

HEY, BY THE WAY, I'M SORRY I DITCHED YOU, DUDE.

- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

AFTER YOU LEFT, I ACTUALLY ENDED UP HAVING A PRETTY GOOD TIME.

LOOK AT THAT. - YOU LOOK REALLY HAPPY THERE.

- AT 2:00 A.M., GOOD-BYE BOOB BECAME GOOD-BYE PANTS.

- YOU SHOW THAT TO COLLEEN YET? - AND DELETE.

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE I COULD, LIKE, DRIVE HER TO THE HOSPITAL

OR, UH, TALK TO HER DOCTORS OR LOOK AFTER HER CAT.

SHE SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF CHICK THAT WOULD HAVE A CAT

AND A BIRD, YOU KNOW?

THEY WOULD GET ALONG BECAUSE OF HER, RIGHT?

- YEAH, UNTIL ONE OF THEM GOT HUNGRY.

LOOK, MAN, I'M REALLY LIKING THIS SIDE OF YOU.

BUT I THINK A GIRL LIKE THIS HAS ALREADY GOT PEOPLE

TO TAKE CARE OF STUFF LIKE THAT FOR HER.

- YEAH, AND NOT THE GUY THAT WALKED OUT OF HER PARTY.

I GUESS I'M MORE LIKE THE GUY THAT YOU COME TO FOR TATTOOS

OR TO SHOOT FIREWORKS OUT OF HIS BUTT CRACK,

NOT LIFE STUFF.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH?

THAT WAS A VERY SPIRITED FOURTH OF JULY.

- I REALLY LIKE HER, DUDE.

- I KNOW, BUT YOU'RE A DOUCHE.

- NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I THINK I'M SANE

NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I FEEL THE SAME

ABOUT BEING THROUGH

NOT A DAY WITHOUT YOU

NOT A TEAR FALLS DOWN FROM MY DESPERATE BRAIN

NOT A TEAR DESCENDS AND I FIND I CAN REFRAIN

FROM THE EMPTINESS

- HEY, GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE, DUDE!

- HE'S GOT THREE LEGS, A-HOLE!

- AND IN MY DARKEST SADNESS

I ACHE FOR JUST A FIX OF YOU

AND IN MY DARKEST SADNESS

I ACHE FOR JUST A FIX OF YOU

- HEY. - HI.

- YOU'RE ALIVE!

WHY WOULD THAT EVER BE THE RIGHT THING TO SAY?

- IT'S OKAY. I AM VERY MUCH ALIVE.

I ALREADY FELT FAT IN MY JEANS AND HUNG UP ON MY MOM.

I AM BACK IN THE WORLD.

- IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, RIGHT? - YEAH.

SO I'M GUESSING THE DAISIES ARE FROM YOU?

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU.

DAN, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE LAID ALL THAT ON YOU AT THE PARTY.

- NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S FINE. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.

I MEAN, IT'S GOOD THAT, YOU KNOW, I COULD, UM...

BE THERE FOR YOU, YOU KNOW?

AND IF YOU NEED ANYTHING-- ANYTHING AT ALL--

LIKE, YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY

OR FIELD PHONE CALLS FROM YOUR MOM,

'CAUSE SHE KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE A HANDFUL,

I'M YOUR GUY, YOU KNOW?

O-OR IF--IF YOU JUST WANT TO, UH, GRAB SOME DINNER

SOME TIME OR SOMETHING.

- DAN, NO, IT'S-- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

UM, I MEAN, IT'S--IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.

I JUST HAVE SO MUCH STUFF GOING ON RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW?

- YEAH. YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. NO, NO, NO.

- AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DAN. - YEAH.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST-- IT'S SO NOT YOUR TRIP.

- YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.

- BUT, SERIOUSLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FLOWERS,

BECAUSE THAT WAS SO SWEET.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

- YEAH.

SEE YOU.

ALEX, I'M NOT JUST DAN, OKAY?

I'M NOT JUST THE GUY WHO DOES TATTOOS

AND SURFS AND CAN GET YOU MEDICAL MARIJUANA--

WHICH, BY THE WAY, I'M TOTALLY GONNA HOOK YOU UP,

'CAUSE A FRIEND WITH WEED IS A FRIEND INDEED.

- OKAY.

- BUT, SERIOUSLY, I'M SOMEBODY WHO YOU CAN COME TO WITH STUFF.

I'M SOMEBODY WHO YOU CAN LEAN ON.

AND--AND, YES, I HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

BUT I SURE AS HELL WANT TO TRY.

YOU KNOW? - I KNOW, BUT--

- HERE, I WANT TO DO THIS WITH YOU.

- WHAT ARE YOU--NO, DAN. - IT'S OKAY.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO-- - I'M NOT AFRAID.

- BUT I'M NOT-- - LISTEN, HEY, SHH.

IT'S OKAY. I'M NOT AFRAID. I WANT TO DO THIS.

OKAY?

- OKAY.

- SEE? NO BIG DEAL.

- DAN, I'M NOT DOING CHEMO.

- WAIT. YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LOSE YOUR HAIR?

WHY'D YOU LET ME CUT MINE?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE A 30-YEAR-OLD DUDE WITH A PONYTAIL.

AT LEAST ONE GOOD THING SHOULD COME FROM CANCER...

RIGHT?

TURN AROUND.

- LATELY

OH, LATELY

[Cee Lo Green's Bright Lights Bigger City]

- I'VE BEEN LIVING FOR THE WEEKEND

BUT NO, NOT ANYMORE

'CAUSE HERE COMES THAT FAMILIAR FEELING

THAT'S FRIDAY'S FAMOUS FOR

YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR SOME ACTION

AND IT'S OUT THERE SOMEWHERE

YOU CAN FEEL THE ELECTRICITY

ALL IN THE EVENING AIR

AND IT MAY JUST BE MORE OF THE SAME...

- SO I DELETE MY PHONE NUMBER,

AND THEN I ESCAPE, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.

I CALL IT THE NINJA VANISH.

IT'S QUITE ELEGANT, ACTUALLY.

- WHY DO YOU LEAVE?

ISN'T IT LESS SUSPICIOUS TO GET BACK IN THE BED?

- YEAH, BUT THEN YOU'RE NOT VANISHING.

YOU'RE ERASING.

AND THIS IS THE NINJA VANISH, NOT THE NINJA ERASE.

- SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR UNCLE RICKY.

- OH, NO, NO, NO. HELLO.

- SO WHY DO YOU EVEN GIVE THEM YOUR NUMBER?

YOU COULD STILL LEAVE AND NOT SEE THEM AGAIN.

- YEAH, YOU COULD.

BUT THEN YOU'RE JUST ESCAPING. NOT VANISHING.

AND THERE'S NOTHING REALLY NINJA-Y ABOUT THAT.

- I THINK THE VANISH IS GENIUS.

YOU SHOULD WIN AN AWARD OR SOMETHING.

- YEAH. LIKE A NOBEL "PIECE OF ASS" PRIZE.

[laughter]

- MORE LIKE AN ASS-CADEMY AWARD.

- OKAY, DUDE, IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TRY...

- SO WHAT IF THE PHONE-- [child screams]

- JEFFERY, GO APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW!

RIGHT NOW! FIVE, FOUR...

SO WHAT IF THEY LOCK THE PHONE? THEN YOU'RE SCREWED.

- THAT'S PART OF THE CHALLENGE--

GETTING THE PASS CODE.

TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY'RE REALLY INTO

I ALWAYS SAY, "DO YOU HAVE A PET?

I'D LOVE TO SEE A PICTURE OF IT."

SINGLE WOMEN ALL HAVE PETS, AND THEY LOVE TO SHOW THEM OFF.

AND YOU GET A CHANCE TO SEE THEIR PASS CODE.

- NICE. - YOU'RE SUCH AN A-HOLE, MAN.

- ACTUALLY, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE NINJA VANISH.

YOU NEVER COME OFF AS AN A-HOLE.

I ALWAYS LEAVE A COZY NOTE, SAYING SORRY I HAD TO LEAVE,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE HER.

ENJOY THE ROOM SERVICE.

CHARMING, FUNNY, CHARMING. CALL ME.

SHE LOOKS FOR MY NUMBER, CAN'T FIND IT.

SHE THINKS I'M GREAT, AND TECHNOLOGY SUCKS.

- I GOT TO ADMIT, THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.

HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE YOU DUMPED?

- I'M NOT DUMPING. I'M PREVENTING.

"DUMPING" SOUNDS SO NEGATIVE.

THE NINJA VANISH IS LIKE A CONDOM.

I GET TO HAVE A GREAT TIME WITH THE WOMAN

WITHOUT THE FEAR OF CONTRACTING A RELATIONSHIP.

- OH, MAN, I WANT TO BE YOU.

- OF COURSE YOU WANT TO BE ME. YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE.

AND BY "DEAD INSIDE," I MEAN YOU'RE MARRIED, THAT'S ALL.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN,

I GOT A DATE.

- WITH WHO? - TELL YOU IN THE MORNING.

THERE YOU ARE.

[phone clatters]

- HEY. - HEY.

- WHAT'S GOING ON? - I TRIPPED.

I THINK I D--

YEAH, MY FOOT. OW.

- ARE YOU LEAVING? - YOU KNOW, WORK.

- MM. YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE ME.

- EXACTLY. - DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO?

- I DON'T WANT TO IMPOSE.

YOU KNOW, I'M A BIT OF A BLANKIE HOG.

- NO. STAY.

I WANT YOU TO. COME ON. GET BACK IN BED.

[pats bed] COME ON.

- OKAY. - MM-HMM.

MMM. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.

- APPARENTLY.

- SO, RICKY--WAIT, IS IT RICKY OR RICHARD?

- UH, IT'S RICKY. - HAS IT ALWAYS BEEN RICKY?

- THREE MONTHS AGO, I WAS DJ PAJAMA JAMMY JAM.

- DJ PAJAMA JAMMY JAM? - YEAH.

I SHOW UP AT THE CLUB IN MY PAJAMAS

AND WE... JAM

[both laugh]

- WELL, I LIKE RICHARD.

I DON'T KNOW--I JUST THINK IT SOUNDS MORE MASCULINE.

- I LIKE RICHARD TOO... WHEN YOU SAY IT.

- [chuckles]

SO, RICHARD, I HAD FUN LAST NIGHT.

AND, UH, NO OFFENSE, BUT I DIDN'T REALLY PEG YOU

FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD DANCER.

- SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE? OH, I KNOW I CAN DANCE.

- WELL, I MEANT 'CAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE TOP HEAVY.

- YOU JUST CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT, HUH?

I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE YOU BEFORE.

- IS THAT A GOOD THING?

- YEAH.

YEAH, IT IS.

- THANK YOU.

OH, UM, I KNOW I HAVE YOUR NUMBER IN MY PHONE,

BUT I WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAD MINE TOO.

- OH, OKAY. - MM-HMM.

- YOU DOTTED YOUR "I" WITH A HEART

AND KISSED THE PAPER.

HEART AND A KISS. [knock at door]

- MM. THAT'S... THE CREAM

- [laughs] THE CREAM

- [gasps] THANK YOU.

SO DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAID?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- THAT YOU NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE ME.

- OH. ANGIE, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE MEAN WHAT THEY SAY,

BUT DON'T SAY WHAT THEY MEAN.

THAT'S YOUR ARTISTS, YOUR SONGWRITERS--

STEVIE WONDER, BURT BACHARACH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SOME PEOPLE SAY WHAT THEY MEAN,

BUT DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY-- LAWYERS, POLITICIANS,

THE GUY AT THE CAR WASH THAT KEEPS ASKING ME

IF I WANT TO UPGRADE TO EXECUTIVE.

I DON'T NEED THAT.

I PREFER TO SAY WHAT I MEAN, MEAN WHAT I SAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- I HONESTLY DON'T.

OH, OH, OH!

I'M SO SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.

- IT'S NICE AND WET. I CAN--

- OH, OH, OH. - NO, NO, NO!

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL JUST--I'LL JUST, UH--

- NO, NO, NO. - NO, NO, NO.

I'M GONNA SCRATCH SHOWER OFF THE LIST.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I-I DID THAT.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A BLOW-DRYER IN THE BATHROOM.

WHY DON'T YOU WAIT HERE? I'LL GO GET IT.

- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO--

OKAY.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

CAN WE MAKE SURE THE SETTINGS ARE ON LOW?

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ROAST MY CHESTNUTS.

I'M SERIOUS. DON'T BURN MY BALLS.

- THAT MUST'VE BEEN A NIGHTMARE.

- AH, IT WASN'T THAT BAD.

IT'S GOOD TO BE CHALLENGED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

KEEPS YOU ON YOUR TOES.

PLUS, ANGIE WAS PRETTY COOL.

- WHOA, WHOA, "ANGIE"? GETTING A LITTLE FAMILIAR.

- DUDE, I'M NOT A MONSTER, OKAY?

IT'S NOT, "HEY, YOU. HAD A GOOD TIME, YOU.

"GOT TIME TO BANG,

BUT NO TIME TO LEARN YOUR NAME, YOU."

NO, IT'S, "TAKE CARE, ANGIE." "AND YOU, RICHARD."

CIVIL. - RICHARD?

MAMA DON'T EVEN CALL YOU RICHARD.

- UH-OH. - NO UH-OH.

- YOU DIDN'T TELL HER YOUR DJ NAME, DID YOU?

- NO, I DID NOT.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE NINJA'D HER.

NOW YOU CAN'T SEE HER AGAIN.

- I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN.

- YES, YOU DO. GIVE HER A CALL.

- HE'S GONNA CALL.

- NO, HE'S NOT. JUST SHUT UP.

- LOOK, GUYS, RELAX. I'M NOT GONNA CALL HER, OKAY?

DID WE HAVE A GOOD TIME? YES, WE HAD A GREAT TIME.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A GREAT TIME.

WE'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP JUST BECAUSE IT SPILLED

INTO THE MORNING AND WE WATCHED KATHIE LEE AND HODA TOGETHER.

- WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU WATCHED KATHIE LEE AND HODA TOGETHER?

- YEAH. all: OH!

- IT IS OVER! - GUYS, I HAVE THE NUMBER...

RIGHT HERE.

AND I WILL TEAR THIS BAD BOY UP.

- THERE'S NOTHING ON THAT. - WHAT?

- DUDE, IT'S BLANK. - THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I SAW WHAT SHE PUT ON-- - SHE VANISHED YOUR ASS.

- I SAW THE NUMBER. I PUT IT IN MY POCKET.

- WELL, COULD SHE HAVE, LIKE--

I DON'T KNOW-- SWITCHED THE PAPERS?

- IT'S THE SAME PAPER. THE LIPSTICK'S STILL ON IT.

- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU MET YOUR MATCH, MAN.

- A PUG--SHE GOT A PUG NAMED CINCO.

I FOUND THAT OUT WHEN I GOT HER PASS CODE

AND SHE WAS SHOWING ME PICTURES OF THE DOG IN A BOWTIE.

- THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

- THERE'S A DOG PARK OVER ON 6TH RIGHT NEAR HERE.

- NOBODY VANISHES ME.

- YEAH! HE'S BACK!

- OH!

- JEFFERY, APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW! FIVE...

- OKAY, JUST SO WE HAVE OUR DUCKS LINED UP,

ONCE WE FIND THIS ANGIE, WE'RE GONNA BEAT HER UP, RIGHT?

- NO. WHO MARRIED YOU? [cell phone rings]

- SHE ALWAYS KNOWS WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT HER.

I HATE THAT. HEY, BABY. STILL ON THE STAKEOUT.

WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I BOUGHT THE WRONG BATTERIES?

- [imitates whip cracking]

- NO, YOU TOLD ME DOUBLE-A. - THERE SHE IS.

- GOOD BOY.

- CHECK AND MATE.

- OH-HO.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- ENJOYING THE PARK.

ACTUALLY, I WAS GONNA CALL YOU AND TELL YOU

HOW GREAT OF A TIME I HAD THE OTHER NIGHT,

BUT SOMEHOW YOUR NUMBER DISAPPEARED.

- OH, YEAH. HOW DID YOU FIND ME?

- YOUR DOG. WOMEN NEVER LIE ABOUT THEIR DOGS.

- NOTED.

- SO HOW'D YOU DO THE WHOLE THING WITH THE NUMBER?

- WELL, I HOUDINI'D YOU.

- HOUDINI'D?

- YEAH. IT'S WHAT I DO WHEN I WANT TO MAKE SURE

A GUY CAN'T CALL ME AGAIN.

I USE THESE PENS WITH THIS INK

THAT VANISHES WHEN HEAT'S APPLIED.

- YOU'RE JOKING. - NO, NO, IT'S TRUE.

AND THEN IT REAPPEARS WHEN YOU PLACE IT

IN SOMETHING COLD.

SEE, WHEN I FIGURED OUT I DIDN'T WANT TO GO OUT

WITH YOU AGAIN,

SPILLING THE WATER ON YOU,

BLOW-DRYING YOUR PANTS MADE THE INK VANISH.

YOU WERE HOUDINI'D.

- THAT IS FANTASTIC! - MM-HMM.

- SLIGHTLY EMASCULATING, BUT WELL DONE.

I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING I DO.

IT'S CALLED THE NINJA VANISH.

I TAKE YOUR PHONE AND THEN DELETE MY NUMBER.

- OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING WITH YOUR HAND

UNDER THE TABLE.

"NINJA VANISH"-- GOOD FOR YOU.

WELL, UH, THANKS FOR STALKING ME.

TAKE CARE.

- HEY, YOU KNOW...

I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE COULD GO OUT ON A SECOND DATE.

- LOOK, UM, YOU'RE A NICE ENOUGH GUY

AND PRETTY FUNNY,

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU'RE DATING MATERIAL.

- REALLY? WHY NOT?

- WELL, SEE, SOME GUYS MEAN WHAT THEY SAY,

BUT DON'T SAY WHAT THEY MEAN.

THOSE ARE YOUR DREAMY, DRIFTER, BIKER,

JAMES DEAN TYPES.

I GOT THOSE OUT OF MY SYSTEM IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OTHER GUYS SAY WHAT THEY MEAN, BUT DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY--

FATHER FIGURE, FINANCIALLY STABLE,

BUYS YOU A NICE PIECE OF JEWELRY, BUT IT'S ALL HOLLOW.

OUTGREW THEM IN COLLEGE.

AND NOW ALL I WANT IS A MAN

THAT SAYS WHAT HE MEANS AND MEANS WHAT HE SAYS.

AND YOU'D BE AMAZED AT HOW HARD IT IS

TO FIND A MAN LIKE THAT, RICKY.

- ACTUALLY, LOOK, THIS IS DIFFERENT FOR ME,

BECAUSE I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE YOU.

WHEN I WAS STEALING YOUR PHONE,

I WAS, LIKE, "WOW, THIS GIRL IS AWESOME.

SHE'S SPECIAL." - [chuckles]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY GUESS IS YOU'VE MET A LOT OF SPECIAL GIRLS.

YOU JUST NEVER STAYED AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT.

- EXCUSE ME. SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

IT'S LIKE PREGNANT PINBALL. SORRY. OH, UH--

- WHY DO WE HAVE TO SUFFER BECAUSE YOU HAD UNSAFE SEX?

- IT WASN'T UNSAFE.

THEY USED A PETRI DISH AND A BLOW GUN.

- OKAY, A LITTLE RESPECT. I'M CREATING LIFE HERE.

I'M KIND OF A GOD... WHO PEES TOO MUCH.

- WHEN I WAS PREGNANT,

MY HUSBAND SAID I WAS NEVER SEXIER.

- OH. HE WAS PROBABLY JUST BEING NICE,

UNLESS YOU WERE, LIKE, THE ONE PREGNANT WOMAN ON EARTH

WHO DIDN'T GET SWOLLEN ANKLES

AND A 13-YEAR-OLD BOY'S MUSTACHE.

[laughs]

- OKAY. [cell phone rings]

- IT'S MY SISTER.

HEY, CHLOE.

YEAH.

A BLIND DATE? - YES, A BLIND DATE.

WHY DON'T YOU LET YOURSELF HAVE SOME FUN FOR ONCE, OKAY?

YOU DESERVE IT. - OH, I'M FAT.

I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING.

- AND THAT'S MY FAULT YOU'RE FAT?

- TECHNICALLY, IT'S YOUR BABY'S FAULT.

- OH, I KNEW IT. YOU TOTALLY RESENT ME.

I HAVE RUINED YOUR LIFE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MY SURROGATE,

YOU JUST SAY SO.

- UH, I SAY WE JUST LET IT PLAY OUT.

LOOK, CHLOE, I AM SO HAPPY THAT I CAN DO THIS

FOR YOU GUYS.

I JUST DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE DATING RIGHT NOW.

ARE YOU MAKING A MARTINI? - NO. NO, NO, NO.

WE HAVE A DEAL.

I HAVE GIVEN UP EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE GIVEN UP.

BUT, ANNIE, THIS GUY IS AMAZING.

HE'S SO SWEET. HIS NAME IS MATT.

- I DON'T KNOW. MATT? SOUNDS GAY.

- PLEASE. YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH AN ANGEL.

LET ME DO THIS FOR YOU. - CHLOE!

- HE'S MEETING YOU AT THE TAPAS PLACE ON JONES

TOMORROW NIGHT AT 8:00.

IF YOU DON'T GO, HE'LL THINK YOU'RE A BITCH.

OH, AND NO SOFT CHEESES.

OKAY, LOVE YOU.

- UGH. [exhales deeply]

- OOH, I LOVE THAT ONE. - THIS IS MY MATERNITY GIRDLE.

WHY AM I EVEN DOING THIS?

I SHOULD'VE JUST WAITED TWO MONTHS.

- NO. NO, YOU NEED THIS.

YOU'VE BEEN SO DOWN LATELY. I THINK IT'S THE HORMONES.

- IT IS NOT THE HORMONES.

THAT'S JUST AN EXCUSE PREGNANT WOMEN USE TO ACT INSANE.

- OKAY, WHATEVER. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN YOURSELF.

- I HAVE BEEN GREAT.

I'M--I'M BETTER THAN MYSELF. I'M BEING A GREAT SISTER.

HOW GREAT IS THAT? I'M GREAT!

- WE MISS YOU. WE SUPER MISS YOU.

DON'T YOU MISS YOU?

DON'T YOU MISS "FUN GOING OUT" YOU?

- YES, I DO. I MISS EVERYTHING.

I MISS FLIRTING WITH GUYS AND FEELING SEXY

AND GETTING REALLY DRUNK AND MAKING OUT WITH THOSE GUYS.

OKAY, LUIS, WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE?

DO YOU LIKE THE BLACK WITH THE RUCHING

OR THE BLACK WITH THE PIPING?

- ANNIE, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.

JUST LEAVE THAT ONE ON. - YEAH?

- YEAH, IT'S THE WINNER. - OKAY, WELL...

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST ONE MORE THING.

I GOT THESE FROM THAT DRAG QUEEN, KATRINA VICTIMS.

BIGGER BOOBS, MINIMIZE THE TUMMY.

LET'S GO.

- YEAH, WHY DIDN'T YOUR BOOBS GET BIGGER?

- THEY DOUBLED IN SIZE. - OH, THAT'S SAD.

- WHAT? OH.

- MINE WON'T GO IN THERE. - UM...

- IS IT IN THERE?

- OKAY, THIS IS, HONESTLY, THE WORST THREE-WAY EVER.

- NO, I'VE HAD WORSE.

- YOU COME WITH THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYES

AND I FEEL MY TEMPERATURE RISE

- PLEASE BE HIM. PLEASE BE HIM. PLEASE BE HIM.

- YOUR HANDS REACH FOR MY WAIST

I QUICKLY TURN AWAY

OH, BUT THEN I INCH CLOSER TO YOU

- MATT? - I'M MATT.

- HI. I'M ANNIE.

WOW. YOU ARE SO NOT WHAT I EXPECTED.

- WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING? - OH, I DON'T KNOW.

MY SISTER HAS JUST BEEN KNOWN TO SET ME UP

WITH SOME TOTAL CREEPS IN THE PAST.

YOU KNOW, GUYS WHO STILL LIVE WITH THEIR MOMS

OR SEEM LIKE THEY KEEP CHEERLEADERS

IN THE BASEMENT OR SOMETHING.

- I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GOOD CLOSET.

- [laughs loudly] AH. WOW.

I'M JUST--NO I'M JUST-- I'M REALLY SAYING

THAT YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU ARE-- YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.

- YOU SEEM VERY GOOD TOO. - THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE REALLY NICE EYES, MATT.

- SO DO YOU, ANNIE.

- OH! UM, THAT'S-- THAT'S A LITTLE TOO FAST.

IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT FEELING IT, TOO,

'CAUSE I TOTALLY AM.

I'M JUST-- IT'S A LITTLE TOO SOON.

- I WAS JUST GONNA TELL YOU YOUR...

- [gasps] - YEAH.

- DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO KISS YOU?

- NO. - IT'S OKAY IF YOU DID.

BUT CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION FIRST?

- MM-HMM. - WHO ARE YOU?

- ARE WE NOT ON A BLIND DATE?

- I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG MATT.

- WAIT, IF YOU KNEW I MADE A MISTAKE,

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

- I WANTED TO SEE WHERE THIS WAS GOING.

I'VE NEVER BEEN HIT ON BY A PREGNANT LADY

WITH DETACHABLE BREASTS.

- OKAY, IT IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT EVEN PREGNANT.

WELL, I AM, BUT I'M NOT KEEPING IT.

I MEAN, I'M NOT HAVING AN ABORTION,

NOT THAT I'M AGAINST IT.

I JUST FEEL LIKE A WOMAN HAS A RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

- [laughs]

- OKAY, MY SISTER HAS A HOSTILE WOMB.

YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH AT A PREGNANT LADY.

- I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST YOUR OTHER THING IS TRYING TO GET AWAY.

- BARTENDER, CAN I PLEASE HAVE A MARTINI

SO I CAN THROW IT IN THIS MAN'S FACE?

- ANNIE?

HEY.

- HI.

[clears throat]

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A DATE WITH BETTER MATT.

- THAT MAKES ME SO MAD THAT GUY TREATED YOU THAT WAY.

- THAT'S VERY SWEET, BUT LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.

- A PREGNANT WOMAN DESERVES RESPECT.

- THAT IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAY. - I MEAN IT.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING MORE PRECIOUS TO ME

THAN A WOMAN WITH CHILD.

- [laughs] "WITH CHILD."

- MAY I TOUCH YOUR BELLY?

- OH. MAYBE AFTER WE ORDER.

- AND A SIDE OF HUMMUS. THANK YOU.

NOW CAN I TOUCH IT? - OH!

- OH. - HOO-HOO. NO.

- WE CAN WAIT.

SO DO YOU FIND YOUR ORGASMS ARE LONGER AND MORE INTENSE

THE CLOSER YOU GET TO YOUR DUE DATE?

- [shudders] - OH, YOU COLD?

- OKAY, WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?

- OH, SURE. SURE. YEAH. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

EXTRA PRESSURE ON THAT BLADDER. TAKE IT EASY.

- YEAH.

- WHAT--HELLO? HELLO?

HOW'S IT GOING WITH BETTER MATT?

- HE IS A FREAK.

HE WANTS TO TAKE ME SHOPPING FOR LACTATION PADS.

- MAYBE HE'S GOT A GUY.

- OKAY, WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE?

ISN'T THIS, LIKE, A VIOLATION?

CAN YOU PLEASE CALL THE AUTHORITIES?

- OH.

WHAT'S IN THIS THING--ROCKS?

OH, YEAH. ROCKS.

- TAKE THEM OUT. I WILL PAY YOU PER ROCK.

- ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN.

I ROUND UP SIX OF THE MOST STRAPPING HOMELESS MEN

I CAN FIND, TELL THEM I'LL PAY THEM IN ROCKS,

THEY'LL PROBABLY GO FOR IT,

BOOM, YOU'RE OUT OF THE RESTAURANT.

I'M A HERO.

PROBABLY GET MY FACE ON A STAMP.

- OKAY. I GET IT. THIS IS DUMB.

IT IS JUST ONE DATE, AND THEY ARE SMALL PLATES.

SEE THAT? HORMONES-- THEY JUST LEVELED OUT.

- MM.

SOMEBODY TOOK A LONG TIME.

NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.

HEMORRHOIDS ARE A COMMON PROBLEM.

I COULD ASK FOR A PILLOW FOR YOU TO SIT ON, IF YOU WANT.

- EXCUSE ME, ANNIE, YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL.

- OH. OKAY. UM, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- LET ME HELP YOU. - NO!

I'M GOOD.

- YOU KNOW, THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO LEAVE A RESTAURANT.

- LET'S GO.

- ALL RIGHT, THERE YOU GO.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SURPRISED BY ANY OF THIS.

MY SISTER ONCE SET ME UP WITH A GUY SHE MET

IN THE LADIES' ROOM.

MMM. THANK YOU.

- WHY NOT WAIT TILL AFTER THE BABY

TO JUMP BACK INTO THE DATING WORLD?

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

BUT EVERYONE JUST KEPT SAYING, "YOU'RE NOT BEING YOURSELF.

GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN AND FEEL SEXY AGAIN."

I REALLY THOUGHT I MISSED ALL OF THAT.

- YOU DON'T? - I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I AGREED TO DO THIS FOR MY SISTER,

I KNEW IT WOULD BE HARD,

BUT I DIDN'T REALLY THINK ABOUT HOW HARD, YOU KNOW,

OR THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE SOMEONE TO DO IT WITH

OR THAT I WOULDN'T GET TO KEEP THE BABY IN THE END.

I GUESS--I DON'T KNOW.

IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL LONELY, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S IT. I JUST-- I FEEL KIND OF ALL ALONE.

- YOU'RE DOING AN AMAZING THING FOR HER.

- YEAH. I JUST KIND OF WANTED HER TO LIKE ME.

- [chuckles]

- LISTEN, UM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE PRETZEL

AND FOR YOUR JACKET

AND FOR RESCUING THE PREGNANT LADY.

- FOR THE RECORD, ANNIE,

YOU'RE A VERY SEXY PREGNANT LADY.

- [gasps] OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY.

- NO, I'M SORRY. - IT'S THE HORMONES.

[cell phone ringing]

- THIS GIRL I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET, SHE WAS LATE--

- PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GO.

I'M ACTUALLY-- I'M GONNA GET THIS CAB.

AND, UM, NO, GO. DON'T KEEP HER WAITING.

GO. - OKAY.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, ANNIE. - HERE...

THERE'S YOUR JACKET.

OKAY.

UM, OH, UH, MATT...

MAYBE I WILL SEE YOU ON A STAMP ONE DAY.

- OH-OOH OOH-OOH

OOH-OOH YEAH YEAH OOH-OOH

OOH-OOH YEAH YEAH YEAH

- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAD

- SOMEONE'S GOT A BOUNCE IN HER STEP.

- OH. WHAT HAPPENED?

POINT ON LUIS WHERE YOU TOUCHED HIM.

WAS IT IN HIS BATHING-SUIT AREA?

- YOU KNOW WHAT? MATT WAS REALLY NICE.

BUT IF MATT CALLS, I AM NOT HERE.

- THE BABY'S ATTACKED HER BRAIN.

- [wolf-whistles] - DID YOU JUST WHISTLE AT ME?

- SORRY. JUST GOOFING AROUND.

- NO, IT'S GOOD.

KEEP OBJECTIFYING PREGNANT WOMEN.

THEY REALLY NEED IT.

- [gasps] A NEW TATTOO? - "KEEP ON TRUCKIN'."

THAT'S MY MOTTO, ANNIE.

WHATEVER LIFE HANDS YOU, YOU PICK YOURSELF UP

AND KEEP RIGHT ON GOING.

A VERY WISE TATTOO ARTIST IN VENICE, CA.,

ONCE SAID TO ME "YOU GOT TO LET GO

"OF THE LIFE YOU WERE PLANNING...

- IN ORDER TO ACCEPT THE ONE THAT'S WAITING FOR YOU."

BOOM-- JOSEPH CAMPBELL.

HE ALSO SAID, "FOLLOW YOUR BLISS,"

WHICH IS PRETTY DOPE.

J.C. WAS PIMP.

- NOW I DON'T KNOW.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE DAISIES.

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE TOO GIRLIE?

COME ON. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR THING--

PICKING THE PERFECT TATTOO.

WHAT DO I-- WHAT DO I NEED?

- NOTHING. YOU'RE PERFECT.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST GO WITH THE DAISIES.

- IT'S YOUR BOOB.

- AND WHEREVER THE ROAD TAKES YOU,

ALWAYS REMEMBER TO CELEBRATE THE LITTLE VICTORIES.

- OH, MY GOD. RICKY. - YEAH?

- IT'S ME, MEGAN. WE WENT OUT ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

AND THEN MY STUPID PHONE DELETED YOUR NUMBER.

I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY THINK I WAS SHINING YOU ON,

BUT I WASN'T.

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I RAN INTO YOU.

- I KNOW. IT'S GREAT.

- WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER SOME TIME.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT. WE SHOULD.

WHY DON'T WE EXCHANGE NUMBERS

SO WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY DISAPPEARING ACTS?

- GREAT. I'M SO HAPPY I RAN INTO YOU, RICKY.

- IT'S RICHARD.

I GO BY RICHARD NOW.

- COOL. RICHARD.

DID YOU USED TO DJ IN YOUR PAJAMAS?

- I DID.

- IT'S ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY, ANNIE.

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'. [cell phone rings]

- HEY, CHLOE.

- I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW YOU TREATED MATT.

HE WAS HURT, ANNIE. - OH. OH.

- YOU KNOW, I'M SURPRISED HE WANTS TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- YEAH. - BUT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO

IS YOU GUYS ARE GONNA MEET FOR A BRUNCH

BECAUSE MAYBE YOU'LL BE BETTER BEHAVED BEFORE NOON...

- OH OH OH OH WHOA

- SO WALK ON BY

OOH OOH-OOH-OOH