Original subtitles

- NOW, THE REASON YOU'RE HERE

IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER

WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM

EVERYBODY STAND UP

OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD

TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU

OOH TALK TO ME DARLING

TALK TO ME

- HERE WE GO AGAIN

I KIND OF WANT TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS

- SO I SAW CHARLIE AGAIN LAST NIGHT.

DINNER. SEX. SNACK. SEX.

- WHAT WAS THE SNACK? SORRY.

SO THINGS ARE GOING WELL WITH CHARLIE?

- THREE DATES. - OH.

SO IT'S PRETTY MUCH RUN ITS COURSE.

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- IT'S JUST THAT THREE DATES WITH YOU

IS LIKE SIX MONTHS WITH A NORMAL PERSON.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN NORMAL.

I MEAN, FOR SOMEONE WHO'S NOT PLAGUED WITH DADDY ISSUES.

- IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HE WITHHELD HIS LOVE, OKAY?

MY BACK BRACE MADE IT HARD TO HUG ME.

- OKAY, HONEY, COME HOME. YOUR SPINE IS STRAIGHT NOW.

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

SO YOU LIKE CHARLIE.

- YEAH. I WANT TO DO SOME THINGS DIFFERENT

WITH THIS GUY.

YOU KNOW, SO I MADE HIM SOMETHING

AND I LEFT IT AT HIS PLACE.

- WHAT?

- I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.

- DUDE, WHAT IS IT?

BANANA BREAD. STILL WARM.

- THIS IS A DISASTER.

- 'CAUSE IT'S GONNA SPOIL OUR LUNCH?

- GUYS, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE BANANA BREAD ITSELF.

I'M TALKING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

BANANA BREAD SKIPS OVER ALL THE BEST PARTS

OF EARLY DATING.

I MEAN, IT BYPASSES THE NONCOMMITTAL SEX

AND GAME PLAYING.

- BANANA BREAD PUTS YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP.

- EXACTLY.

A WOMAN WHO BAKES A MAN BANANA BREAD

WANTS TO GET SERIOUS.

- SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED. - SHE'S CLINGY AND INSANE.

- OH, BANANA BREAD. HE'S GONNA LOVE THAT.

- [squeaks] - I HAVE TO END IT.

- DUDE, THIS GIRL'S HOT AND SHE BAKES.

I LOVE HER.

- WAIT, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HER

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE BANANA BREAD?

- NO. NO. WHEN BREAKING UP WITH A GIRL,

NEVER GIVE A REASON.

YOU DON'T WANT TO OPEN UP A DIALOG.

I'M GONNA END THIS USING THE ONE EXCUSE

GIRLS NEVER ARGUE WITH.

I MEAN, YOU'RE GREAT,

BUT I JUST THINK WE'RE BETTER AS FRIENDS.

- REALLY? FRIENDS?

- YEAH. DON'T SAY IT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.

IT'S GOOD TO HAVE FRIENDS. FRIENDS ARE AWESOME.

THEY MADE A WHOLE SHOW ABOUT IT.

- WELL, I DON'T HAVE SEX LIKE THAT WITH MY FRIENDS.

- I WILL MISS THE SEX.

BUT I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP MORE.

- FRIENDS. I GET IT.

- IT'LL BE AN EXCITING NEW CHAPTER.

BUT I GOT TO GET GOING. SO, UM, HERE'S THIS.

- WAIT. WAS IT THE BANANA BREAD?

- GOD, NO. NO. I LOVED THE BANANA BREAD.

SO SWEET OF YOU. BYE, JODIE.

- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

- CHARLIE JUST BROKE UP WITH ME.

- WHAT?

- HE SAYS HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS.

- FRIENDS? - YEAH.

I HAVE TO SAY IT. I DID NOT SEE THIS ONE COMING.

I MEAN, HE DID PAUSE TO HAVE A FAREWELL SEX MONTAGE

IN HIS MIND,

BUT I GUESS HE'D RATHER HAVE MY FRIENDSHIP

THAN MY NOONY.

- OH, I'M SO SORRY, BABE.

I HATE WHEN GUYS SAY THEY WANT TO BE FRIENDS.

IT'S SUCH A LIE.

WE SHOULD KILL HIM.

- OH, YOU ARE SCARING ME A LITTLE.

- SORRY. HORMONES MAKE YOU INSANE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME INSANE? UNRESOLVED BREAKUPS.

GAH! IF THIS IS ABOUT THE BANANA BREAD,

I'M GONNA BE SO PISSED.

I AM NOT SOME NEEDY GIRL THAT SITS AT HOME

READING COOK BOOKS AND KNITTING.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE COUNTERACTIVE

TO MY NORMAL PATTERN.

- I'M JUST SO SICK OF GUYS

USING THAT LINE WITH US.

- DO THEY THINK WE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THEM?

"OH, I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS." IT'S INSULTING.

- "YEAH, OKAY, GUY I USED TO SLEEP WITH,

"YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?

"HOW ABOUT YOU HELP ME MOVE MY COUCH OUT OF STORAGE?

"WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE ME TO THE AIRPORT?

"HEY, GRAB ME SOME TAMPONS ON AISLE FIVE.

ISN'T THAT WHAT FRIENDS DO?"

[doorbell rings]

- HEY, CHARLIE. WHAT'S UP?

- UH, HEY, JODIE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DID WE HAVE PLANS? - NOPE.

BUT FRIENDS TO DROP-BYS, RIGHT?

- RIGHT.

- SO I WAS THINKING ABOUT OUR CONVERSATION.

AND GOOD CALL. WE ARE BETTER AS FRIENDS.

SO I THOUGHT OF A GREAT WAY TO CELEBRATE OUR NEW FRIENDSHIP.

- WHAT'S THAT? - HEIGL FEST!

WE CAN WATCH THREE KATHERINE HEIGL MOVIES

IN A ROW TOGETHER.

I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY START WITH 27 DRESSES.

THAT WAY WE CAN RANK OUR FAVORITE DRESSES

FROM 1 TO 27.

- JODIE, YOU KNOW, I'M KIND OF BUSY SO...

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I LIKE TO DO

WHILE WATCHING MOVIES?

HAVE A FRIEND BRUSH MY HAIR.

- I GET TIRED AND UPSET

- JODIE IS SOME KIND OF DIABOLICAL GENIUS.

- WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT KATIE HEIGL?

- KATIE HAS A BAG OF TRICKS WITH, LIKE, THREE TRICKS IN IT.

JODIE...MADE ME GIVE HER A FRENCH BRAID.

- NICE. - NO.

IT'S NOT A EUPHEMISM, OKAY?

IT'S LEFT OVER RIGHT. YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR PINKIES.

IT'S HARDER THAN A SHEEPSHANK KNOT.

- WELL, WE CAN'T LOSE THE FRIENDS LINE.

WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE?

- "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME"?

- NO. THEN THEY THINK YOU HAVE ISSUES

AND WANT TO FIX YOU-- THE FRIENDS THING IS CLEANER.

- DON'T LET HER TAKE OUR BEST EXCUSE.

[cell phone rings]

- IT'S HER. - WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

- PUT A STOP TO THIS MADNESS.

- ON SPEAKER. I WANT TO HEAR THIS ANGEL'S VOICE.

- HELLO? - HEY, IT'S ME.

[laughs] ISN'T THAT GREAT?

I CAN JUST CALL YOU UP AND SAY IT'S ME

'CAUSE WE'RE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS.

- [forced chuckle]

- ANYHOO, TOMORROW'S THE FIRST OF THE MONTH

AND AS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND,

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD LOAN ME 100 BUCKS FOR RENT.

- ASK HIM FOR MORE MONEY. $10,000.

- FOR $10,000, WE COULD HAVE HIM KILLED.

- I CAN LOAN YOU 100 BUCKS.

- OH, YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND, CHARLIE.

- DUDE, DO SOMETHING. - ASK HER TO BAKE US A PIE.

- AM I ON SPEAKERPHONE? - WHAT? NO.

MY BUDDIES ARE JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT TONIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO THE, UH, WET PANTHER.

YEAH, THERE'S A TASTY LITTLE PIECE ON LOAN

FROM THE PACIFIC RIM WHO CAN DO ORIGAMI

WITH HER LADY BIZ.

YOU WANT TO COME?

- UH, LET ME JUST CHECK MY iCAL FOR A SEC.

UGH. HE WANTS TO GO TO SOME GROSS STRIP CLUB.

WHAT DO I SAY? - YOU SAY NO.

THIS WHOLE STRIP CLUB THING NEEDS TO END.

WE NEED TO MOVE BEYOND THAT AS A SPECIES.

- BUT WE CAN'T BACK DOWN NOW, OKAY?

HE'S GONNA KEEP ON PROMISING FALSE FRIENDSHIPS

TO INNOCENT GIRLS.

I WOULD LOVE TO COME SEE THAT STRIPPER.

I AM A GREAT ADMIRER OF POWERFUL WOMEN.

CAN I BRING A FRIEND? - ABSOLUTELY.

I'LL TEXT YOU THE DEETS. SEE YOU LATER, FRIEND.

GENTLEMEN, IT IS ON.

- I'M NOT GOING TO A STRIP CLUB.

- I NEED YOUR SUPPORT.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN, LIKE, SIX MONTHS.

- SEVEN. AND I HAVE BEEN KIND OF LONELY LATELY.

- DUDE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? - I DON'T KNOW. HORMONES?

YESTERDAY, I SAW A BIG BOTTLE OF OLIVE OIL

NEXT TO A LITTLE BOTTLE OF OLIVE OIL

AND I JUST BURST INTO TEARS.

IT WAS LIKE A MOMMA AND BABY OLIVE OIL.

- IF YOU START CRYING, WE LOSE.

- OKAY. I'M GONNA GET IT TOGETHER.

CRACK OPEN THE REGISTER. WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME ONES.

- YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE BIGGER THE DEAL, THE BIGGER THE THRILL.

THE MORE MONEY, THE NICER THE HONEY.

THE MORE SCENERY, THEN LET'S SEE THE GREENERY.

OKAY, FELLAS, HERE COMES SAPPHIRE.

- YOU'RE GONNA LET LET GO TONIGHT

- OKAY. REMEMBER WE'RE HAVING FUN AND WE LOVE IT HERE.

HEY, DESTINY. - YOU KNOW HER?

- NO. ONE OF THEM'S GOT TO BE NAMED DESTINY.

- LADIES, WELCOME TO THE WET PANTHER LOUNGE.

OR GRADY'S MATTRESS SHOP AS IT WILL SHOW UP

ON YOUR CREDIT CARD.

I'M SO HAPPY YOU MADE IT.

- OF COURSE. 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO.

WE SHOW UP.

- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE FRIENDS DO? BUY EACH OTHER LAP DANCES.

HEY, UH, SAPPHIRE, THIS IS MY FRIEND JODIE.

AND, UM... - ANNIE.

- WHY DON'T YOU, UH, GIVE JODIE HERE THE V.I.P.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT.

- UM, SHE WILL TAKE THE V.I.P. WITH EXTRA "V."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. - I DO.

- [whimpers] YAY.

WOW. YOU HAVE REALLY GREAT SKIN.

- THANKS.

I STARTED USING ONE OF THOSE ELECTRIC SKIN BRUSHES.

TOTAL GAME CHANGER. - MAY I?

- YEAH. - SOFT AS A BABY'S BOTTOM.

SO HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?

- OH, I'M SEVEN MONTHS.

- OH, THAT'S WHEN MY BREASTS STARTED LEAKING COLOSTRUM.

- OH, YEAH, I HEARD THAT CAN ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

- THAT IS SO HOT.

- DUDE, YOU BLEW IT.

NOT ONLY IS SHE A WIZARD IN THE KITCHEN,

SHE'S INTO GIRL-ON-GIRL.

- CHECK IT OUT. SHE'S GOING BELOW THE LINE.

- OH, MY GOD. YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE SCAR.

- YEAH, C-SECTIONS ARE A PIECE OF CAKE THESE DAYS.

I MEAN, I MADE THESE SHORTY SHORTS TO COVER IT.

- STOP IT. - YOU SEW?

- I SEW. I SCULPT. I HAVE MY ELECTRICIAN'S LICENSE.

I ACTUALLY INSTALLED THESE FLOOR LIGHTS.

- I FOUND A BRAND-NEW LOVE FOR THIS MAN

AND CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU SEE

I CAN'T WAIT SO HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

- HEY, UH, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE A QUARTER LEZ

WHILE WE WERE DATING.

- WELL, I CAN ALSO TOUCH MY FOOT

TO THE TOP OF MY HEAD,

BUT THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOW FRIENDS.

- OH, SHE'S BENDY.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LAP DANCE.

SAPPHIRE--SAPPHIRE IS AN AMAZING WOMAN.

- DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE HAS A KID WITH SPECIAL NEEDS

THAT SHE'S RAISING ALL BY HERSELF?

- YEAH, SHE'S TRYING TO GET HIM INTO A CHARTER SCHOOL,

BUT THERE'S A LOTTERY.

SO SHE'S SAVING UP HER TIP MONEY

TO BUY HIM A BIG BOY BED WITH RAILS.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, STOP. YOU WIN.

I DON'T NEED YOU TO RUIN SAPPHIRE.

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

- THEN WHY DID YOU LIE AND SAY YOU DID?

- TO BE NICE. - NO. THAT'S NOT NICE.

WHAT WOULD BE NICE IS IF A GUY WOULDN'T LIE FOR ONCE.

- AND SAY WHAT, THAT, UH, YOU CAME ACROSS

AS A PSYCHO WITH THAT BANANA BREAD?

[both gasp]

- I KNEW IT WAS THE BANANA BREAD!

- OF COURSE IT WAS THE BANANA BREAD.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BAKE A WEDDING CAKE?

- WELL, I'M SORRY THAT BAKED GOODS TRIGGER

YOUR FEAR OF COMMITMENT.

HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN BAKE ALL THAT MUCH.

AND I CERTAINLY DON'T PUT MYSELF OUT THERE LIKE THAT.

THE ONE TIME I DO, THIS IS WHAT I GET.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ACTUALLY A PRETTY COOL GUY.

AND I'M A PRETTY COOL GIRL.

BUT YOU'RE JUST NEVER GOING TO SEE THAT

'CAUSE YOU GOT SCARED OF MY SCARY BANANA BREAD.

OOH. HAVE A NICE LIFE.

- I'VE HAD HER BANANA BREAD. IT IS REALLY GOOD.

BYE, SAPPHIRE. YOU HAVE MY NUMBER.

- BYE, ANNIE. SO GOOD TO MEET YOU.

- JODIE! JODIE, WAIT! JODIE, WAIT, PLEASE.

COME ON. DON'T LEAVE. DON'T LEAVE.

I'M SORRY. THIS WHOLE THING GOT OUT OF CONTROL.

OKAY? YOU'RE RIGHT. IT WAS JUST BANANA BREAD.

- IT WAS A QUICK BREAD, A-HOLE.

- ANNIE. IT'S OKAY. I GOT THIS.

YOU WERE SAYING? - CAN WE JUST CALL A TRUCE?

I MEAN, I THINK WE'RE EVEN.

YOU SUBJECTED ME TO SIX HOURS OF KATHERINE HEIGL.

- [chuckles] YEAH, THAT WAS ACTUALLY TORTURE.

I HATE CHICK FLICKS.

I'M MUCH MORE A HORROR FILM GIRL.

- REALLY? - TOTALLY.

I LOVE, LIKE, THE OLD-SCHOOL ZOMBIE MOVIES

WHERE THE ZOMBIES ARE ALL SLOW AND NOT SLICK.

- GEORGE ROMERO IS, LIKE, MY HERO.

- UH, BACK IT UP BECAUSE I WAS A ZOMBIE EXTRA

IN DIARY OF THE DEAD.

A ZOMBIE NUN EXTRA.

- NO. - YEAH.

DO YOU NOT REMEM--?

WHEN I GOT BIT, I MADE THIS FACE.

AGH! - I REMEMBER YOU!

- NO WAY, REALLY? - YEAH!

YOU WERE TOTALLY CONVINCING! - THANK YOU!

- THAT WAS YOU? OH, MY GOD.

- I KNOW. - THAT'S G--

LOOK, OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE A COOL GIRL.

UM...CAN WE JUST-- CAN WE EVER GET PAST

THE BANANA BREAD?

- MAYBE.

- I'VE GOT, LIKE, EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER ON DVD.

YOU WANT TO COME OVER. MAYBE WATCH ONE SOMETIME?

YOU KNOW, AS FRIENDS?

- WELL, I KIND OF HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS.

- YEAH. SO DO I.

- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'M INTO?

SEX.

- UH, ME TOO.

WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

- TOTALLY. - WHAT ARE YOU--

RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT, LIKE, RIGHT NOW?

- YEAH, LET'S GO. - TAXI!

- I GOT IT. - I GOT ONE.

- NO, I GOT ONE. I GOT IT.

- OOH. WELL, HERE WE ARE. VENICE, CALIFORNIA.

I LOVE IT ALREADY.

- HOW YOU DOING?

- IS THAT A GUY OR A GIRL? - ED.

- WELL, COME ON. IT'S VERY UNCLEAR.

- I DON'T WANT OUR SON'S BOYFRIEND

TO THINK WE'RE A BUNCH OF IGNORANT REDNECKS.

- WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY WE HAVE TO CHANGE

WHO WE ARE.

WE'RE STILL IN AMERICA, AREN'T WE?

- THIS WEEKEND IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SHOWING KYLE

AND HIS BOYFRIEND THAT WE ARE OPEN-MINDED,

ACCEPTING, PROGRESSIVE.

THIS CANNOT BE ANOTHER MAY 1ST.

- WELL, THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME A BREAK ON THAT?

- WELL, IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.

SO LET'S SHOW KYLE AND DREW HOW FAR YOU'VE COME, ALL RIGHT?

OH, NOW REMEMBER, HIS BOYFRIEND'S NAME IS DREW.

SMILE AND BE PLEASANT.

[gasps] THERE HE IS. DREW.

IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO MEET YOU.

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY. - WHAT? MA'AM, EXCUSE ME.

- IT'S SUCH FUN TO BE HERE. I AM HAVING FUN.

ARE YOU HAVING FUN, ED? SAY YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

- ARE YOU GONNA PUT SOME PANTS ON?

- DO I KNOW YOU? - DON'T SHAME HIM, ED.

I'M SURE HE'S HAD ENOUGH OF THAT IN HIS LIFE.

- MOM, DAD, WRONG HOUSE. I'M SORRY, JUDD.

OVER HERE, GUYS. - I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

WE'RE VERY SORRY. ED, SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

- WHAT FOR? HE'S THE ONE WHO'S INDECENT.

- WELL, IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

- I JUST ASSUMED KYLE WAS DATING A BEAR.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THE HUSKIER GAY MEN. BEARS.

- HEY, I'M WORKING OUT.

- IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

- YOU TOO. KYLE HAS TOLD US SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

- NOT EVERYTHING. - LOOK HOW HANDSOME YOU ARE.

DO YOU PREFER DREW OR ANDREW OR DRE?

I KNOW A LOT OF COOL BLACK GUYS GO BY THAT.

- NO, NO, MOM, HE'S NOT COOL.

- WHAT?

- WELL, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT COOL.

- WELL, IT'S JUST DREW. - OF COURSE.

LIKE DREW BARRYMORE. SHE IS A FRIEND OF YOURS.

I SAW HER AT THE MARCH IN WASHINGTON.

- YES. I THINK YOU TOLD ME THAT.

AND THANK YOU FOR THE "I'M NOT GAY,

BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS" T-SHIRT.

- I MADE HIM WEAR IT. - HE DID.

- IT'S IRONIC. ED, TELL THEM ABOUT THE MARCH.

- WELL, WE HAD SOME REAL GOOD CRAB CAKES.

AND WE SAW SOME DYKES ON BIKES.

- NO, NO. - ED, YOU CAN'T CALL THEM THAT.

ONLY THEY CAN USE THAT WORD.

- WELL, WHY NOT?

I MEAN, THEY HAD SIGNS, AND BANNERS, AND--

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY WERE SELLING MUGS.

- OH, MY GOODNESS. LOOK AT THAT ABSTRACT PAINTING.

- UM, IT'S JUST A GIFT FROM A FRIEND.

WHY DON'T WE GO LOOK IN THE LIVING ROOM?

- WHAT IS IT? - IT'S KYLE PENIS.

- NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF SHAPES AND COLORS.

- LOOK CLOSER, HONEY.

I'D RECOGNIZE THAT BIRTHMARK ANYWHERE.

- I TOLD YOU THEY'D FIGURE IT OUT.

- WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY WE HAVE TO HIDE THINGS.

THIS IS OUR HOME.

- THERE'S NO NEED TO BE EMBARRASSED.

- WELL, CLEARLY, THEY'RE NOT.

MY SON'S JUNK'S HANGING ON A FREAKING WALL.

- WHO WANTS A DRINK?

- I DO. - EVERYONE.

- GREAT.

- THESE MOJITOS ARE DELICIOUS, KYLE.

AREN'T THEY, ED?

- IF I CAN'T HAVE A BEER,

I'LL TAKE A FANCY DRINK WITH GRASS IN IT.

- THE MINT IS FROM OUR GARDEN. - WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, KYLE ALWAYS USED TO BE A BIG HELP IN OUR YARD.

EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME

WHEN HE DUMPED A BUNCH OF GARBAGE ON IT.

- IT'S CALLED COMPOSTING, DAD. - WELL, THAT'S HOW YOU GET RATS.

- NO, THAT'S HOW YOU SAVE THE EARTH.

- THEY'RE VERY GREEN IN CALIFORNIA, ED.

I LOVE IT. REALLY. WE LOVE YOUR HOUSE.

WE LOVE VENICE. WE LOVE EVERYTHING.

- I WAS TELLING THE GUYS AT WORK

THAT I WAS COMING TO VISIT MY SON AND HIS ROOMMATE.

AND THEY TOLD ME THAT THE EXPENSE OF LIVING

IN CALIFORNIA HAS GONE WAY DOWN.

NOW, IS THAT TRUE?

- IT IS TRUE.

YEAH, AS A MATTER OF FACT, SINCE THE--

- I'M SORRY. DID YOU CALL DREW MY ROOMMATE, DAD? REALLY?

- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT. - IT'S OKAY.

I MEAN, WE DO LIVE TOGETHER. RIGHT, KYLE?

- YES. YES, WE DO. WE DO LIVE TOGETHER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT I THINK WE DO A LITTLE BIT MORE

THAN SPLIT THE PHONE BILL.

- HEY, I'M STILL EATING THAT.

- AND I'M STILL GAY, DAD.

BUT, OOH, WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THAT, DO WE?

- BREATHE, KYLE. - [exhales] AH.

OKAY. I AM. I AM BREATHING.

AND IT IS JUST A WORD. A WORD. THAT'S ALL.

A WORD THAT PUT US BACK IN THE CLOSET

WHERE OUR PENIS CAN'T HANG ON A WALL

AND EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

- OH, HONEY, YOUR FATHER KNOWS THE PROPER WORD.

IT'S LOVER, ED. DREW IS KYLE'S LOVER.

- OR BOYFRIEND IS FINE.

- SEE. NOW THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- I'M JUST SAYING, DAD,

YOU WOULDN'T CALL MOM YOUR ROOMMATE.

- WELL, THESE DAYS, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY CALL HER

MY LOVER EITHER.

- OKAY, ROOMIE, TIME TO PUT DINNER ON THE TABLE.

THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST DAY

IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE.

- THAT WAS NOT OKAY BACK THERE, ED.

IS THIS GOING TO BE MAY 1ST ALL OVER AGAIN?

BECAUSE I CANNOT--I WILL NOT RELIVE THAT AWFUL DAY.

NOW I'M SETTING THE ALARM FOR 7:00

SO WE CAN HELP PREPARE FOR THE BRUNCH TOMORROW.

THAT'S GAY FOR LUNCH, HONEY. THEY DO BRUNCH.

OH, WE SHOULD STOP TALKING AND GET SOME SLEEP.

[whispering and banging against wall]

IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL. THEY HAVE THEIR DESIRES.

- SLOW DOWN! - YOU SLOW DOWN.

[whispering and banging against wall]

- WE CAN'T BE MAD AT THEM FOR EXPRESSING THEIR LOVE.

[whispering and giggling]

- OH! OH!

- OH, OKAY, THAT'S IT. I CAN'T LISTEN TO THIS ANYMORE.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - OUTSIDE TO GET SOME AIR.

ALONE!

- HEY, THERE. - YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE?

I SURE COULD USE ONE. - UH...YEAH.

YEAH, SURE. COME ON OVER.

- I MEAN, I'M TRYING TO BE PROGRESSIVE AND PC

AND ALL OF THAT.

BUT I'M A CAR SALESMAN FROM CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS.

I'M FINE WITH MY SON BEING A GAY.

BUT THE SOUND OF HIM GOING AT IT WITH ANOTHER GUY,

IT'S TOO MUCH.

MAYBE I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, OLD-FASHIONED OR--

GOD, THAT IS DISTRACTING.

- WHAT? OH, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS, UH, THIS IS ACTUALLY A VIDEO ON HOW TO REWIRE

AN ANTIQUE LAMP.

WATCH THIS. - I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

NOW TURN THE LAMP RIGHT SIDE UP

AND LOOK FOR THE SCREW AT THE SOCKET BASE.

- YEAH.

- LOOSEN IT USING A SCREWDRIVER.

- WATCH THIS.

- GET YOUR SCREWDRIVER

AND REALLY GIVE IT A GOOD GO.

- [laughs]

- HOW DO YOU HIDE THIS FROM THE WIFE?

- MY WIFE LOVES SAPPHIRE.

SHE'S ACTUALLY USED HER VIDEOS

TO RETILE OUR BATHROOM.

- IS THAT RIGHT? - YEAH.

- VERY PROGRESSIVE. UNLIKE ME.

- ED, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

COME ON. THIS IS YOUR KID.

LOOK, IF YOUR DAUGHTER WAS HAVING SEX

IN THE NEXT ROOM,

YOU'D BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT TOO, RIGHT?

- DEFINITELY. - OKAY.

- BUT THIS IS MORE COMPLICATED.

AND WHY ISN'T IT OKAY FOR ME TO SAY THAT?

- I THINK IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO SAY THAT.

WE ALL HAVE IDEAS WE GOT TO LET GO OF.

LOOK, I GOT A THING AGAINST FOX NEWS,

REPUBLICANS, PEOPLE THAT BUY GUNS.

I'M SURE YOU CAN PROBABLY CHECK AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE BOXES.

- ALL THREE.

- BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

JUST BECAUSE YOU AND I DISAGREE ON A FEW THINGS,

WE CAN'T SIT HERE AND ENJOY A BEER TOGETHER.

- DAMN RIGHT.

DOES THIS BEACH BUNNY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GROUT?

'CAUSE THAT'S THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.

- LET'S SEE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - OH, THESE HINGES ARE LOOSE.

THEY KEEP DRAGGING.

- WELL, YOU MIND IF I TAKE A LOOK?

- SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

- OH, I COULDN'T SLEEP.

IT WAS, UH, A LITTLE BIT NOISY.

- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

KYLE AND I WERE HANGING A PAINTING.

- I DON'T KNOW THE LINGO. SORRY.

- IT'S NOT CODE FOR ANYTHING.

WE WERE LITERALLY HANGING A PAINTING.

THE ONE FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

OH, YOU THOUGHT-- OH, GOD. NO.

WE WOULD NEVER BE THAT DISRESPECTFUL.

THESE WALLS ARE THIN.

- YEAH, NO KIDDING.

WELL, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE, YOU KNOW.

IT'S JUST I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M SURE THAT KYLE HAS TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MAY 1ST

AND ALL THE OTHER TIMES I SCREWED UP.

- YOUR SON'S A DRAMA QUEEN.

HE MAKES A BIG SHOW OF THINGS

AND THEN FORGETS ALL ABOUT IT LATER.

- YEAH, BUT IT'S USUALLY ME THAT SETS HIM OFF.

- KYLE'S ALWAYS SAYING GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY.

WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT MY DAD.

- IS THAT SO?

HUH.

- MR. STRATHMORE, SINCE WE'RE HERE--

- ED. PLEASE. - ED.

THERE'S, UH, SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.

- YOU GUYS NEED MONEY? - NO. NO. UM...

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SON.

AND IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU,

I'D LIKE TO MARRY HIM.

- ARE YOU ASKING FOR MY PERMISSION?

- I DON'T KNOW. KIND OF. I GUESS.

- WELL, I GOT TO BE HONEST,

WHEN THEY HANDED ME MY SON IN THE MATERNITY WARD,

I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

THAT SHOULD DO IT.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SAID NO?

- I'D BE DISAPPOINTED.

I'M JUST OLD-FASHIONED, I GUESS.

- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

- EXCEPT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LIBERAL GAY GUY

FROM CALIFORNIA.

BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE EROTIC ART

HANGING IN MY LIVING ROOM.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH EVERYTHING.

- YEAH. AND NEITHER DO YOU.

SO WHEN I ASK YOU HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME MARRYING YOUR SON,

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE TRUTH, OKAY?

- WHAT IS THIS CALLED? 'CAUSE IT IS DELICIOUS.

- IT'S AN EGG WHITE FRITTATA.

- WELL, LA-DI-DAH.

FORGOT I WAS IN FANCY CALIFORNIA.

- [taps glass]

UM, EVERYONE, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SAY.

KYLE TAYLOR STRATHMORE...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

- YES. OF COURSE. I LOVE YOU.

OH!

- EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE.

I JUST WANT TO SAY SOMETHING REAL QUICK.

ALL A PARENT EVER WANTS IS TO SEE THEIR KID HAPPY.

AND WHEN I LOOK AT MY SON, I SEE THAT DREW MAKES HIM HAPPY.

I AM VERY PROUD AND HONORED TO BE A PART OF THIS DAY.

I LOVE YOU, KYLE.

AND CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU.

- THANK YOU. - THANK YOU, DAD. I LOVE YOU.

- WHOO!

- FAYE, HONEY, YOU WANT TO SAY A FEW WORDS?

- YEAH.

CONGRATULATIONS.

- FAYE?

FAYE?

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

- NOTHING. I'M FINE.

- MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING TOTALLY WEIRD.

- OH, NO, I'M NOT. I'M FINE.

- I'M NOT DONE YET.

- MOM, STOP TRYING TO CLEAR PEOPLE'S PLATES

WHILE THEY'RE STILL EATING.

- OKAY. FINE. WHATEVER YOU WANT.

FIX THAT GATE.

[knock at door] - YEAH?

- HEY, JUDD. - HEY.

- SORRY ABOUT THE INTRUSION.

- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LOOK AT HER GO.

COLLEEN'S GONNA BE SO EXCITED WHEN SHE GETS HOME.

- FAYE, IS THIS ABOUT DREW?

YOU SHOULD REALLY GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER.

HE'S A LOT LIKE ME. HE'S OLD-FASHIONED.

- DREW IS A LOVELY YOUNG MAN.

- MOM, IS THIS ABOUT LAST NIGHT?

BECAUSE DREW TOLD ME YOU THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING SEX.

WE WERE JUST HANGING A PAINTING.

- I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH TWO MEN HANGING A PAINTING, KYLE.

I KNOW YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE.

- "HANGING A PAINTING." NEVER HEARD THAT ONE.

- ALL RIGHT, FAYE, NOW WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

YOU MADE A BIG SCENE AT BRUNCH

AND NOW YOU'RE BARGING INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES,

CLEANING STUFF THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU.

- [laughs nervously]

WELL, I GUESS I WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED

BY THE PROPOSAL.

I JUST NEED A SECOND TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND IT.

- MOM, ARE YOU OPPOSED TO GAY MARRIAGE?

- OF COURSE NOT.

I JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D GO OFF

AND FIND SOMEONE TO BE WITH FOREVER.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU'D BE THE ONE

TO GROW OLD WITH ME.

- HEY. WHAT ABOUT ME?

- WOMEN OUTLIVE MEN BY TEN YEARS, ED.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

- MM, I'VE ACTUALLY HEARD IT'S MORE LIKE SEVEN.

BUT THAT MIGHT BE 'CAUSE IT'S IN JAPAN

AND THEY EAT ALL THAT FISH.

IT'S NOT MY CONVERSATION. I'M SORRY.

- SO, WAIT, YOU THOUGHT THAT I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED

BECAUSE I'M GAY.

- WELL, YOU KNOW HOW YOU BOYS ARE.

YOU LIKE TO BOUNCE AROUND AND FIND DIFFERENT PARTNERS.

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

I WISH STRAIGHT PEOPLE COULD DO THE SAME THING.

- FAYE, I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.

- OH, STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE, ED.

- WELL, I WISH THAT YOU'D BE A LITTLE BIT MORE SENSITIVE.

THINKING THAT OUR SON WOULDN'T GET MARRIED

BECAUSE HE'S GAY SOUNDS VERY HOMOPHOBIC TO ME.

- OH, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.

- NO, MOM. DAD IS RIGHT.

WHAT YOU SAID WAS TOTALLY OFFENSIVE.

- KYLE. - NO, NO, NO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU HAVE RUINED THE DAY THAT I WAS PROPOSED TO.

THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE.

I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET MARCH 19TH

FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.

[glass shattered] - OH.

WAIT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I'M SORRY, HONEY. - WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- NOTHING. JUST A COUPLE OF DRAMA QUEENS.

- WHO WANTS A BEER? both: I DO.

[overlapping conversations]

- I LIKE THE CHEMISTRY

WE LIKE THE CHEMISTRY

IT'S SO

- JUST WHO THROWS A PARTY FOR A BOOK THEY PUBLISHED THEMSELF?

- BE NICE. KRISTA IS OUR FRIEND.

- NO, KRISTA IS YOUR FRIEND.

SHE HATES ME. HE HATED ME EVER SINCE THE WEDDING.

IT'S MY FAULT SHE'S STILL SINGLE.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT SHE LAUGHS

LIKE A LOLLIPOP KID.

HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT,

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT IMPRESSION TO HER FACE.

COME ON. LET'S JUST GO HAVE SOME FUN, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S NOT VERY OFTEN THAT I GET TO PARADE

MY HANDSOME HUSBAND AROUND IN HIS SUNDAY'S BEST.

- HOLY BALLS. JUMBO SHRIMP!

OH, MY GOD. COLLEEN, LOOK WHO IT IS.

IT'S DR. O, THE SEX GUY FROM CHANNEL FIVE.

DR. O KNOWS SEX

[sings in Spanish]

- [chuckles] THAT MAN ACTUALLY DOESN'T HAVE

A MEDICAL DEGREE, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S JUST GOT A GOOD AGENT AND GOOD TEETH.

- DID YOU SEE THAT? HE WENT RIGHT FOR THE SHRIMP.

WE COULD TOTALLY BE SHRIMP MATES.

I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM. NOSE?

- GOOD. - TEETH.

- GOOD. - BREATH.

[exhales] - OH, YEAH. SHRIMPY FRESH.

GO FOR IT, TIGER.

- DR. O. HEY. I AM SUCH A FAN OF YOUR SHOW.

- A MALE FAN WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT.

GOOD FOR YOU.

- WELL, I MEAN, YOU TALK ABOUT SEX.

WHAT GUY WOULDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX, RIGHT?

- STILL, IT'S USUALLY THE WIFE WHO TELLS ME

WHAT A BIG FAN SHE IS.

- OH, I'M SORRY.

I'M ACTUALLY LESS OF A TV, MORE OF A BOOK PERSON.

- YOU KNOW, I'M AN AUTHOR AS WELL.

- FICTION. I LIKE FICTION. - OH.

THAT IS A SHAME BECAUSE MY NEW BOOK

IS ABOUT ACHIEVING THE ULTIMATE INTIMACY

BETWEEN PARTNERS VIA...EYEGASMS.

- VIA WHAT-GASMS?

- EYEGASMS.

DEEP, CONSTANT EYE CONTACT

DURING MUTUAL CLIMAX.

AND AT THAT MOMENT,

YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE INTO YOUR PARTNER'S SOUL.

- [laughs]

EYEGASMS? I MEAN, REALLY?

NO ONE?

- WE SHOULD GRAB A BEER SOMETIME.

I WON'T BRING HER.

- BLAME IT ON YOURSELF

- OPEN YOUR EYES. - NO.

- COME ON. LET'S KNOCK OUT AN EYEGASM.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- OH. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. [clears throat]

- BABY

I THINK YOU KNOW

THAT I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU

- [laughs]

- HA. - I'M SORRY, BABY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THE LAUGH IS? TYPICAL VAGINAL DEFLECTION.

- WHAT? - CHAPTER THREE.

- OKAY, I AM NOT DEFLECTING.

- WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TRY THIS?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SAYS WE SHOULD TRY NEW THINGS.

- I MEANT GOING TO THE SYMPHONY

OR A SUNDAY MORNING HIKE.

- ON SUNDAY, I WILL FILL A CANTEEN

AND WE CAN WALK TO THE CONCERT HALL

IF YOU'LL DO THIS FOR ME.

COME ON. LET'S DO THIS.

- NO, LOOK, IT'S JUST WEIRD, OKAY?

I MEAN, EYEGASM?

YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON?

OUR-GASM, HUH? - [laughs] OKAY. COME ON.

COME ON. LET'S TRY THIS. PLEASE?

- OKAY. JUST DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY.

BUT SOMETIMES I NEED TO KEEP MY EYES CLOSED

YOU KNOW, TO STAY IN MY OWN WORLD.

- WHAT--WHAT DOES THAT MEAN "STAY IN YOUR OWN WORLD"?

- FANTASIES, JUDD. I FANTASIZE.

- FANTASIZE?

LIKE, NOT ABOUT ME?

ABOUT OTHER MEN?

ABOUT OTHER MEN THAT AREN'T ME?

- NOT ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES IT'S YOU AND SOMETIMES IT'S FIREMEN.

- FIREMEN? PLURAL?

- YOU KNOW, LOOK, 9/11 AFFECTED ME IN A LOT OF WAYS.

- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

COLLEEN, MY MIND IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL TO YOU

DURING SEX--ALWAYS.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, WHEN I'M ALONE.

BUT THAT'S, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE.

- LOOK, MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT JUST FRICTION FOR US.

- IS THERE A DALMATIAN SITTING THERE

THE WHOLE TIME WHILE YOU'RE DOING THIS?

'CAUSE THAT'S JUST SICK.

- IT'S NOT SICK.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT. HAVE A FANTASY.

IT MIGHT BE FUN.

USE ONE OF YOUR ALONE-TIME LADIES.

- MAYBE I'LL BE - LET'S TRY THIS.

- A HOMETOWN FANTASY, BOY

- YAHTZEE. - WHOO.

SO WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT, HUH?

CHEERLEADERS? PLAYBOY BUNNIES?

- A BARISTA. - OH. YEAH, I GET IT.

I GET IT. THE LITTLE APRON.

AND THE STEAMY MILK.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF JENNY ALWAYS WEARS AN APRON, BUT YEAH.

- WAIT, YOUR FANTASY HAS A NAME?

- WHAT? - SHE'S AN ACTUAL PERSON?

WHO YOU SEE EVERY MORNING WITHOUT ME?

FACE-TO-FACE?

HANDING HER MONEY FROM OUR JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT?

- WELL, DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SHE'S A HOOKER.

SHE'S A BARISTA/SINGER-SONGWRITER

WITH A CD...

THAT I DO NOT HAVE IN MY CAR.

- MY FANTASIES ARE NAMELESS, FACELESS FIREFIGHTERS

WHO'S ONLY MUSIC IS HEROISM.

- WELL, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WERE RULES.

- OF COURSE THERE ARE RULES.

SO WHAT, ALL THIS EXTRA EFFORT

WITH THE THRUSTING AND THE ROCKING,

THAT WAS ALL FOR JENNY AND NOT ME?

YOU KNOW WHAT... - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THE PILLOW WALL?

I'M GETTING THE PILLOW WALL FOR THIS?

- MM-HMM. - I'LL BE

YOUR HOMETOWN FANTASY GIRL

- I'M COMING INTO THE KITCHEN IN CASE YOU WANT TO BUILD

A SKYSCRAPER OF COFFEE CUPS TO PROTECT YOUR TURF.

OR AS DR. O WOULD CALL IT, YOUR VAGINAL COMPOUND.

- LOOK, I AM SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

I ACTED TOTALLY IMMATURE.

SO HERE. A PEACE OFFERING.

- YOU MADE ME COFFEE? - MM-HMM.

- MM. CHEWY. WHAT'S IN HERE?

- CARAMEL SAUCE, CHOCOLATE SAUCE, M&M'S,

AND A TOUCH OF BUTTERMILK.

YOU KNOW, I FIGURED I'D SAVE YOU A TRIP

THIS MORNING.

- HO-HO-HO. WOW. - WHAT?

- ARE YOU STILL MAD ABOUT THE BARISTA?

- I AM NOT. - AH, COLLEEN.

- JUDD. LOOK, GIVE ME SOME CREDIT.

IT WAS SILLY AND I'M OVER IT.

SO JUST THANK ME FOR THIS LOVELY GESTURE

AND GO ABOUT YOUR DAY.

- THANK YOU. THIS IS VERY SWEET OF YOU.

THANKS. MM. MMMMM.

WHOO-HOO! GOOD-BYE TONGUE!

- I'M TRASHY. IN A CUTE WAY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE EARLY BRITNEY VIDEOS.

- [laughs]

- HE JUST FANTASIZED ALL WRONG, KRISTA.

- I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT SURE

I THINK IT'S THAT BIG A DEAL.

- OH, JUDD WILL BE THRILLED TO HEAR YOU STANDING UP FOR HIM.

- WHY DOES HE STILL THINK I HATE HIM?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE BECAUSE THE SERIAL KILLER IN YOUR LAST BOOK

WAS NAMED JUDD.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - I'M GETTING COFFEE.

- BEFORE YOGA? - SHUT UP.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT THIS WHORE LOOKS LIKE.

- THIS IS THE CALLING, THIS IS THE REASON

THAT I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU FALL AWAY

THIS IS THE MOTION, THIS IS THE MEANING

- BLONDIE? NO WAY. TOO OBVIOUS.

- NO, IT'S HER. I KNOW IT.

- [deep voiced] JENNY! - YEAH?

- OH. - HMM.

- YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER.

YOU'RE UNIQUE. - UNIQUE?

I ASSUME I HAVE A GREAT PERSONALITY TOO.

- NOT TODAY. - HA HA HA. HEY.

- I HATE YOU, JUDD ROUSCHER. I REALLY DO.

- SEE? OH, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN

ON THAT AMAZING SELF-PUBLISHED BOOK.

- SERIAL KILLER!

- SO ARE YOU HERE TO THANK JENNY FOR LAST NIGHT?

- NO, I'M HERE BECAUSE THE COFFEE YOU MADE ME

WAS DISGUSTING.

WHAT WAS THAT AT THE BOTTOM? A PICKLE CHIP?

- I GET IT. HER COFFEE'S BETTER.

HER COFFEE'S YOUNGER. - WHAT?

- COME ON. LOOK AT HER.

SHE IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ME.

- OH, PLEASE. COME ON.

SHE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A GENERIC

SUPER HOT GIRL NEXT DOOR.

CORN-FED MIDDLE AMERICAN.

- OKAY, THOSE BOOBS ARE NOT CORN-FED, ALL RIGHT?

YOU ARE FANTASIZING ABOUT A BARBIE DOLL,

WHICH MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HER UGLY,

URBAN TROLL DOLL COUSIN WHO NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY WITH.

- WELL, HOW DO YOUR FIREMEN MAKE ME FEEL?

I MEAN, THEY MAY BE FACELESS, BUT THEY DO HAVE ABS.

- THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. SOME FIREMEN ARE OUT OF SHAPE.

- OH, SO NOW YOU'RE SAYING I'M OUT OF SHAPE?

- NO, I'M SAYING THAT YOU'RE A JERK, JERK.

- WELL, AT LEAST MY FANTASY

WASN'T A GANG-BANG WITH LADDER TWELVE.

I MADE SWEET, CIVILIZED, ONE-ON-ONE LOVE

TO JENNY THE BARISTA.

- HI, JUDD. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT YOUR USUAL.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?

- JENNY. - JENNY. THAT'S RIGHT.

COLLEEN. COLLEEN, COME ON.

- UM, EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

- OFFICER KURT DARLINGTON, MA'AM.

- HA. OFFICER KURT DARLINGTON

IS GOING TO BE MY NEW SEX FANTASY.

- I THOUGHT YOU ONLY LOVED FIREMEN.

- THEY WERE ALL HEROES ON 9/11.

- YEAH. SO WAS RUDY GIULIANI.

YOU GONNA BANG HIM TOO? OFFICERS.

- DR. O KNOWS SEX

- ARE YOU A VAGINAL DAY TRADER?

FIND OUT TODAY ON DR. O.

- GUY'S SUCH A DOUCHE.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ACTUALLY WATCHING THAT CRAP.

- I MET THIS AWESOME GUY AND HAD AMAZING SEX

WITH HIM LAST WEEK.

- MM-HMM. TO ORGASM? - I THINK SO.

- OKAY, SERIOUSLY, JUDD,

CAN YOU TURN IT OFF, NOW?

- ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW,

BUT MY CELL PHONE ACCIDENTALLY DELETED HIS NUMBER

AND NOW I CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM.

- WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOU GETTING IN TOUCH WITH HIM?

I MEAN, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

OR YOU JUST WANT MORE GREAT SEX?

- ENOUGH.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING? JENNY?

DID SHE GIVE YOU THE NUMBER TO HER MALIBU DREAM HOUSE?

- YEAH, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO DR. O, PLEASE.

IT'S ABOUT EYEGASMS.

- JUDD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- UH, MY WIFE COLLEEN ROUSCHER.

- DON'T USE MY REAL NAME. - IT'S FINE.

SHE USED TO HAVE ORGASMS ALL THE TIME.

- KNOW WHAT, MY MOTHER WATCHES THIS SHOW.

NO MORE SPECIFICS.

- VENICE, CALIFORNIA.

UH, AND WHEN WE MET DR. O,

HE OPENED HIS BIG SHRIMP HOLE AND TOLD US

THAT WE NEED TO SPICE THINGS UP.

BUT I DON'T NEED TO SPICE THINGS UP,

'CAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE.

SHE'S THE MOST INTERESTING, SEXY WOMAN

THAT I'VE EVER MET.

SHE'S PROVOCATIVE, AND FUNNY,

AND SHE'S A TIGER IN BED.

SHE IS MY REAL-LIFE FANTASY.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT SHE MARRIED ME.

- WHEN DID THEY HANG UP ON YOU?

- RIGHT AFTER I SAID "SHRIMP HOLE."

- WELL, YOU'RE STILL MY HERO.

- HOW ABOUT THIS PLAN, HUH?

PRIVATE HEAD SPACE. OUR THOUGHTS ARE OUR OWN.

- KEEPING THINGS FROM EACH OTHER IS GOOD.

- IT'S HEALTHY. IT'S RIGHT. - IT'S SO US.

- I LOVE US.

both: MMM.

- I SEE YOU AND YOU SEE ME

I WATCH YOU BLOWING THE LINES

WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A SCENE

OH, GIRL...

- AH. - YAHTZEE.

- I WAS THINKING MORE "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP."

- BABY. - YEAH.

- I KNOW THAT WE SAID WE WOULDN'T DO THIS,

BUT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT?

- PLEASE, NO.

- I WAS ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOU.

- THEY'RE WATCHING YOU - SAME HERE.

- THEY'RE WATCHING YOU

THEY SEE YOUR EVERY MOVE

THEY SEE YOU, PRIVATE EYES

- IN A LARGE BOWL, WE'VE MIXED SUGAR AND BUTTER

UNTIL FLUFFY.

NOW ADD THE BANANAS AND MASH THEM.

THIS IS WHERE THE BREAD GETS ITS SWEETNESS FROM.

- I WONDER - TIME TO ADD THE BUTTERMILK.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE SWEET AND SOUR COMING TOGETHER

WORKS SO NICELY.

- TO ME - POUR THE BATTER

INTO THE LOAF PAN.

STICK IT IN THE OVEN. - OH.

- ADD HEAT. AND LET IT RISE. - OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

[exhales]

- SEE. TOLD YOU.

- SHE'LL DO IT OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN

- AFTER 60 MINUTES,

TAKE THE LOAF PAN OUT OF THE OVEN

AND PLACE IT ON THE COOLING RACK.

- OH. [giggles]

- OH. MY PARENTS

ARE DEFINITELY NOT HANGING A PAINTING.

- IT MAY TAKE A LITTLE WHILE TO COOL OFF.

- THAT BAD, HUH?

- MM-HMM. - YEAH.

- SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO ADD CHOCOLATE CHIPS

OR NUTS TO THEIR BREAD.

THERE'S NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY.

I MEAN, WE'RE ALL LEARNING, RIGHT?

THIS IS SAPPHIRE AND HOW TO MAKE BANANA BREAD.

- [gasps] - MMM!

DOESN'T THAT JUST MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER?

I LOVE BANANA BREAD.

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