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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,890 --> 00:00:04,990 - NOW, THE REASON YOU'RE HERE 2 00:00:05,025 --> 00:00:08,225 IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER 3 00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:11,129 TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER 4 00:00:11,161 --> 00:00:15,131 WHEN LOVE WALKS IN THE ROOM 5 00:00:15,164 --> 00:00:18,804 EVERYBODY STAND UP 6 00:00:18,835 --> 00:00:21,295 OH, IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD 7 00:00:21,335 --> 00:00:23,265 TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU 8 00:00:23,303 --> 00:00:24,913 I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU 9 00:00:24,938 --> 00:00:29,738 OOH TALK TO ME DARLING 10 00:00:29,775 --> 00:00:30,935 TALK TO ME 11 00:00:33,245 --> 00:00:35,675 - HERE WE GO AGAIN 12 00:00:35,713 --> 00:00:37,853 I KIND OF WANT TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS 13 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,080 - SO I SAW CHARLIE AGAIN LAST NIGHT. 14 00:00:41,117 --> 00:00:43,777 DINNER. SEX. SNACK. SEX. 15 00:00:43,819 --> 00:00:46,789 - WHAT WAS THE SNACK? SORRY. 16 00:00:46,822 --> 00:00:48,792 SO THINGS ARE GOING WELL WITH CHARLIE? 17 00:00:48,823 --> 00:00:50,093 - THREE DATES. - OH. 18 00:00:50,124 --> 00:00:52,924 SO IT'S PRETTY MUCH RUN ITS COURSE. 19 00:00:52,958 --> 00:00:54,628 - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? 20 00:00:54,660 --> 00:00:55,990 - IT'S JUST THAT THREE DATES WITH YOU 21 00:00:56,026 --> 00:00:57,656 IS LIKE SIX MONTHS WITH A NORMAL PERSON. 22 00:00:57,695 --> 00:00:58,855 I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN NORMAL. 23 00:00:58,895 --> 00:01:02,225 I MEAN, FOR SOMEONE WHO'S NOT PLAGUED WITH DADDY ISSUES. 24 00:01:02,264 --> 00:01:04,634 - IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HE WITHHELD HIS LOVE, OKAY? 25 00:01:04,666 --> 00:01:06,166 MY BACK BRACE MADE IT HARD TO HUG ME. 26 00:01:06,201 --> 00:01:09,141 - OKAY, HONEY, COME HOME. YOUR SPINE IS STRAIGHT NOW. 27 00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,239 YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. 28 00:01:11,270 --> 00:01:13,910 SO YOU LIKE CHARLIE. 29 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:15,910 - YEAH. I WANT TO DO SOME THINGS DIFFERENT 30 00:01:15,941 --> 00:01:17,081 WITH THIS GUY. 31 00:01:17,108 --> 00:01:19,238 YOU KNOW, SO I MADE HIM SOMETHING 32 00:01:19,275 --> 00:01:21,145 AND I LEFT IT AT HIS PLACE. 33 00:01:21,178 --> 00:01:24,648 - WHAT? 34 00:01:24,681 --> 00:01:26,881 - I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS. 35 00:01:26,915 --> 00:01:30,775 - DUDE, WHAT IS IT? 36 00:01:30,818 --> 00:01:34,658 BANANA BREAD. STILL WARM. 37 00:01:34,688 --> 00:01:35,948 - THIS IS A DISASTER. 38 00:01:35,987 --> 00:01:37,357 - 'CAUSE IT'S GONNA SPOIL OUR LUNCH? 39 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,689 - GUYS, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE BANANA BREAD ITSELF. 40 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:41,315 I'M TALKING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. 41 00:01:41,359 --> 00:01:42,989 BANANA BREAD SKIPS OVER ALL THE BEST PARTS 42 00:01:43,026 --> 00:01:43,926 OF EARLY DATING. 43 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,260 I MEAN, IT BYPASSES THE NONCOMMITTAL SEX 44 00:01:46,296 --> 00:01:47,796 AND GAME PLAYING. 45 00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:49,230 - BANANA BREAD PUTS YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP. 46 00:01:49,265 --> 00:01:50,695 - EXACTLY. 47 00:01:50,732 --> 00:01:53,132 A WOMAN WHO BAKES A MAN BANANA BREAD 48 00:01:53,168 --> 00:01:54,898 WANTS TO GET SERIOUS. 49 00:01:54,934 --> 00:01:57,044 - SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED. - SHE'S CLINGY AND INSANE. 50 00:01:57,069 --> 00:01:59,169 - OH, BANANA BREAD. HE'S GONNA LOVE THAT. 51 00:01:59,204 --> 00:02:01,744 - [squeaks] - I HAVE TO END IT. 52 00:02:01,774 --> 00:02:04,114 - DUDE, THIS GIRL'S HOT AND SHE BAKES. 53 00:02:04,140 --> 00:02:05,180 I LOVE HER. 54 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,678 - WAIT, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HER 55 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:07,910 IT'S BECAUSE OF THE BANANA BREAD? 56 00:02:07,945 --> 00:02:09,035 - NO. NO. WHEN BREAKING UP WITH A GIRL, 57 00:02:09,079 --> 00:02:10,209 NEVER GIVE A REASON. 58 00:02:10,245 --> 00:02:12,015 YOU DON'T WANT TO OPEN UP A DIALOG. 59 00:02:12,046 --> 00:02:13,306 I'M GONNA END THIS USING THE ONE EXCUSE 60 00:02:13,348 --> 00:02:15,248 GIRLS NEVER ARGUE WITH. 61 00:02:15,282 --> 00:02:16,982 I MEAN, YOU'RE GREAT, 62 00:02:17,016 --> 00:02:19,716 BUT I JUST THINK WE'RE BETTER AS FRIENDS. 63 00:02:19,752 --> 00:02:23,352 - REALLY? FRIENDS? 64 00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:25,057 - YEAH. DON'T SAY IT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING. 65 00:02:25,089 --> 00:02:27,059 IT'S GOOD TO HAVE FRIENDS. FRIENDS ARE AWESOME. 66 00:02:27,091 --> 00:02:28,361 THEY MADE A WHOLE SHOW ABOUT IT. 67 00:02:28,391 --> 00:02:32,031 - WELL, I DON'T HAVE SEX LIKE THAT WITH MY FRIENDS. 68 00:02:32,061 --> 00:02:34,401 - I WILL MISS THE SEX. 69 00:02:34,429 --> 00:02:38,999 BUT I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP MORE. 70 00:02:39,032 --> 00:02:42,142 - FRIENDS. I GET IT. 71 00:02:42,168 --> 00:02:45,068 - IT'LL BE AN EXCITING NEW CHAPTER. 72 00:02:45,103 --> 00:02:49,913 BUT I GOT TO GET GOING. SO, UM, HERE'S THIS. 73 00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:54,110 - WAIT. WAS IT THE BANANA BREAD? 74 00:02:54,144 --> 00:02:55,944 - GOD, NO. NO. I LOVED THE BANANA BREAD. 75 00:02:55,977 --> 00:02:58,947 SO SWEET OF YOU. BYE, JODIE. 76 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,849 - WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? 77 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:02,982 - CHARLIE JUST BROKE UP WITH ME. 78 00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:04,047 - WHAT? 79 00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:05,223 - HE SAYS HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS. 80 00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:07,150 - FRIENDS? - YEAH. 81 00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:10,086 I HAVE TO SAY IT. I DID NOT SEE THIS ONE COMING. 82 00:03:10,122 --> 00:03:11,892 I MEAN, HE DID PAUSE TO HAVE A FAREWELL SEX MONTAGE 83 00:03:11,922 --> 00:03:13,062 IN HIS MIND, 84 00:03:13,089 --> 00:03:14,959 BUT I GUESS HE'D RATHER HAVE MY FRIENDSHIP 85 00:03:14,991 --> 00:03:15,991 THAN MY NOONY. 86 00:03:16,026 --> 00:03:17,986 - OH, I'M SO SORRY, BABE. 87 00:03:18,027 --> 00:03:20,087 I HATE WHEN GUYS SAY THEY WANT TO BE FRIENDS. 88 00:03:20,128 --> 00:03:22,058 IT'S SUCH A LIE. 89 00:03:22,095 --> 00:03:22,855 WE SHOULD KILL HIM. 90 00:03:22,897 --> 00:03:25,027 - OH, YOU ARE SCARING ME A LITTLE. 91 00:03:25,065 --> 00:03:26,125 - SORRY. HORMONES MAKE YOU INSANE. 92 00:03:26,166 --> 00:03:30,136 - YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME INSANE? UNRESOLVED BREAKUPS. 93 00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:32,139 GAH! IF THIS IS ABOUT THE BANANA BREAD, 94 00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:33,471 I'M GONNA BE SO PISSED. 95 00:03:33,503 --> 00:03:35,273 I AM NOT SOME NEEDY GIRL THAT SITS AT HOME 96 00:03:35,306 --> 00:03:37,066 READING COOK BOOKS AND KNITTING. 97 00:03:37,106 --> 00:03:38,706 I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE COUNTERACTIVE 98 00:03:38,743 --> 00:03:39,713 TO MY NORMAL PATTERN. 99 00:03:39,743 --> 00:03:40,713 - I'M JUST SO SICK OF GUYS 100 00:03:40,744 --> 00:03:42,014 USING THAT LINE WITH US. 101 00:03:42,043 --> 00:03:44,083 - DO THEY THINK WE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THEM? 102 00:03:44,111 --> 00:03:47,051 "OH, I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS." IT'S INSULTING. 103 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,720 - "YEAH, OKAY, GUY I USED TO SLEEP WITH, 104 00:03:48,749 --> 00:03:49,849 "YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND? 105 00:03:49,883 --> 00:03:51,983 "HOW ABOUT YOU HELP ME MOVE MY COUCH OUT OF STORAGE? 106 00:03:52,016 --> 00:03:53,186 "WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE ME TO THE AIRPORT? 107 00:03:53,218 --> 00:03:54,818 "HEY, GRAB ME SOME TAMPONS ON AISLE FIVE. 108 00:03:54,853 --> 00:03:58,723 ISN'T THAT WHAT FRIENDS DO?" 109 00:03:58,757 --> 00:04:00,687 [doorbell rings] 110 00:04:00,690 --> 00:04:03,060 - HEY, CHARLIE. WHAT'S UP? 111 00:04:03,091 --> 00:04:05,291 - UH, HEY, JODIE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 112 00:04:05,326 --> 00:04:07,226 DID WE HAVE PLANS? - NOPE. 113 00:04:07,262 --> 00:04:09,132 BUT FRIENDS TO DROP-BYS, RIGHT? 114 00:04:09,164 --> 00:04:12,004 - RIGHT. 115 00:04:12,031 --> 00:04:13,401 - SO I WAS THINKING ABOUT OUR CONVERSATION. 116 00:04:13,432 --> 00:04:16,232 AND GOOD CALL. WE ARE BETTER AS FRIENDS. 117 00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:20,369 SO I THOUGHT OF A GREAT WAY TO CELEBRATE OUR NEW FRIENDSHIP. 118 00:04:20,403 --> 00:04:23,843 - WHAT'S THAT? - HEIGL FEST! 119 00:04:23,874 --> 00:04:25,814 WE CAN WATCH THREE KATHERINE HEIGL MOVIES 120 00:04:25,841 --> 00:04:26,981 IN A ROW TOGETHER. 121 00:04:27,009 --> 00:04:29,239 I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY START WITH 27 DRESSES. 122 00:04:29,278 --> 00:04:31,178 THAT WAY WE CAN RANK OUR FAVORITE DRESSES 123 00:04:31,212 --> 00:04:33,182 FROM 1 TO 27. 124 00:04:33,214 --> 00:04:39,124 - JODIE, YOU KNOW, I'M KIND OF BUSY SO... 125 00:04:39,149 --> 00:04:41,319 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I LIKE TO DO 126 00:04:41,352 --> 00:04:44,122 WHILE WATCHING MOVIES? 127 00:04:44,153 --> 00:04:45,453 HAVE A FRIEND BRUSH MY HAIR. 128 00:04:51,493 --> 00:04:55,033 - I GET TIRED AND UPSET 129 00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:57,960 - JODIE IS SOME KIND OF DIABOLICAL GENIUS. 130 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,828 - WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT KATIE HEIGL? 131 00:04:59,865 --> 00:05:03,165 - KATIE HAS A BAG OF TRICKS WITH, LIKE, THREE TRICKS IN IT. 132 00:05:03,201 --> 00:05:06,841 JODIE...MADE ME GIVE HER A FRENCH BRAID. 133 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,171 - NICE. - NO. 134 00:05:08,204 --> 00:05:09,314 IT'S NOT A EUPHEMISM, OKAY? 135 00:05:09,338 --> 00:05:11,208 IT'S LEFT OVER RIGHT. YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR PINKIES. 136 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,140 IT'S HARDER THAN A SHEEPSHANK KNOT. 137 00:05:13,174 --> 00:05:14,284 - WELL, WE CAN'T LOSE THE FRIENDS LINE. 138 00:05:14,309 --> 00:05:15,339 WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE? 139 00:05:15,375 --> 00:05:17,205 - "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME"? 140 00:05:17,244 --> 00:05:18,344 - NO. THEN THEY THINK YOU HAVE ISSUES 141 00:05:18,376 --> 00:05:20,376 AND WANT TO FIX YOU-- THE FRIENDS THING IS CLEANER. 142 00:05:20,413 --> 00:05:22,153 - DON'T LET HER TAKE OUR BEST EXCUSE. 143 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,180 [cell phone rings] 144 00:05:24,215 --> 00:05:27,115 - IT'S HER. - WHAT YOU GONNA DO? 145 00:05:27,150 --> 00:05:29,090 - PUT A STOP TO THIS MADNESS. 146 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:33,820 - ON SPEAKER. I WANT TO HEAR THIS ANGEL'S VOICE. 147 00:05:33,856 --> 00:05:36,156 - HELLO? - HEY, IT'S ME. 148 00:05:36,189 --> 00:05:38,459 [laughs] ISN'T THAT GREAT? 149 00:05:38,491 --> 00:05:40,131 I CAN JUST CALL YOU UP AND SAY IT'S ME 150 00:05:40,159 --> 00:05:41,359 'CAUSE WE'RE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS. 151 00:05:41,394 --> 00:05:42,834 - [forced chuckle] 152 00:05:42,863 --> 00:05:45,163 - ANYHOO, TOMORROW'S THE FIRST OF THE MONTH 153 00:05:45,196 --> 00:05:46,966 AND AS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND, 154 00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:49,168 I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD LOAN ME 100 BUCKS FOR RENT. 155 00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:50,899 - ASK HIM FOR MORE MONEY. $10,000. 156 00:05:50,935 --> 00:05:52,795 - FOR $10,000, WE COULD HAVE HIM KILLED. 157 00:05:52,836 --> 00:05:56,066 - I CAN LOAN YOU 100 BUCKS. 158 00:05:56,103 --> 00:05:58,373 - OH, YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND, CHARLIE. 159 00:05:58,406 --> 00:06:00,776 - DUDE, DO SOMETHING. - ASK HER TO BAKE US A PIE. 160 00:06:00,775 --> 00:06:05,045 - AM I ON SPEAKERPHONE? - WHAT? NO. 161 00:06:05,077 --> 00:06:07,007 MY BUDDIES ARE JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT TONIGHT. 162 00:06:07,047 --> 00:06:10,177 WE'RE GOING TO THE, UH, WET PANTHER. 163 00:06:10,214 --> 00:06:12,124 YEAH, THERE'S A TASTY LITTLE PIECE ON LOAN 164 00:06:12,150 --> 00:06:13,580 FROM THE PACIFIC RIM WHO CAN DO ORIGAMI 165 00:06:13,617 --> 00:06:15,117 WITH HER LADY BIZ. 166 00:06:15,152 --> 00:06:17,552 YOU WANT TO COME? 167 00:06:17,587 --> 00:06:22,117 - UH, LET ME JUST CHECK MY iCAL FOR A SEC. 168 00:06:22,157 --> 00:06:24,517 UGH. HE WANTS TO GO TO SOME GROSS STRIP CLUB. 169 00:06:24,557 --> 00:06:26,257 WHAT DO I SAY? - YOU SAY NO. 170 00:06:26,293 --> 00:06:28,833 THIS WHOLE STRIP CLUB THING NEEDS TO END. 171 00:06:28,862 --> 00:06:30,502 WE NEED TO MOVE BEYOND THAT AS A SPECIES. 172 00:06:30,529 --> 00:06:33,099 - BUT WE CAN'T BACK DOWN NOW, OKAY? 173 00:06:33,129 --> 00:06:35,169 HE'S GONNA KEEP ON PROMISING FALSE FRIENDSHIPS 174 00:06:35,198 --> 00:06:38,868 TO INNOCENT GIRLS. 175 00:06:38,902 --> 00:06:40,502 I WOULD LOVE TO COME SEE THAT STRIPPER. 176 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,344 I AM A GREAT ADMIRER OF POWERFUL WOMEN. 177 00:06:43,372 --> 00:06:47,212 CAN I BRING A FRIEND? - ABSOLUTELY. 178 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,340 I'LL TEXT YOU THE DEETS. SEE YOU LATER, FRIEND. 179 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,348 GENTLEMEN, IT IS ON. 180 00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:55,579 - I'M NOT GOING TO A STRIP CLUB. 181 00:06:55,612 --> 00:06:57,152 - I NEED YOUR SUPPORT. 182 00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:59,180 YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN, LIKE, SIX MONTHS. 183 00:06:59,215 --> 00:07:03,385 - SEVEN. AND I HAVE BEEN KIND OF LONELY LATELY. 184 00:07:03,419 --> 00:07:07,549 - DUDE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? - I DON'T KNOW. HORMONES? 185 00:07:07,588 --> 00:07:10,558 YESTERDAY, I SAW A BIG BOTTLE OF OLIVE OIL 186 00:07:10,590 --> 00:07:12,190 NEXT TO A LITTLE BOTTLE OF OLIVE OIL 187 00:07:12,226 --> 00:07:14,186 AND I JUST BURST INTO TEARS. 188 00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:17,026 IT WAS LIKE A MOMMA AND BABY OLIVE OIL. 189 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:20,432 - IF YOU START CRYING, WE LOSE. 190 00:07:20,462 --> 00:07:23,432 - OKAY. I'M GONNA GET IT TOGETHER. 191 00:07:23,465 --> 00:07:27,335 CRACK OPEN THE REGISTER. WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME ONES. 192 00:07:31,506 --> 00:07:32,866 - YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 193 00:07:32,907 --> 00:07:34,107 THE BIGGER THE DEAL, THE BIGGER THE THRILL. 194 00:07:34,139 --> 00:07:35,569 THE MORE MONEY, THE NICER THE HONEY. 195 00:07:35,608 --> 00:07:37,978 THE MORE SCENERY, THEN LET'S SEE THE GREENERY. 196 00:07:38,010 --> 00:07:41,210 OKAY, FELLAS, HERE COMES SAPPHIRE. 197 00:07:41,244 --> 00:07:44,314 - YOU'RE GONNA LET LET GO TONIGHT 198 00:07:44,348 --> 00:07:48,948 - OKAY. REMEMBER WE'RE HAVING FUN AND WE LOVE IT HERE. 199 00:07:48,984 --> 00:07:50,954 HEY, DESTINY. - YOU KNOW HER? 200 00:07:50,985 --> 00:07:53,985 - NO. ONE OF THEM'S GOT TO BE NAMED DESTINY. 201 00:07:54,022 --> 00:07:57,992 - LADIES, WELCOME TO THE WET PANTHER LOUNGE. 202 00:07:58,025 --> 00:07:59,625 OR GRADY'S MATTRESS SHOP AS IT WILL SHOW UP 203 00:07:59,657 --> 00:08:00,627 ON YOUR CREDIT CARD. 204 00:08:00,658 --> 00:08:02,058 I'M SO HAPPY YOU MADE IT. 205 00:08:02,093 --> 00:08:04,433 - OF COURSE. 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO. 206 00:08:04,462 --> 00:08:06,232 WE SHOW UP. 207 00:08:06,263 --> 00:08:10,233 - YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE FRIENDS DO? BUY EACH OTHER LAP DANCES. 208 00:08:10,266 --> 00:08:13,236 HEY, UH, SAPPHIRE, THIS IS MY FRIEND JODIE. 209 00:08:13,269 --> 00:08:16,139 AND, UM... - ANNIE. 210 00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:19,470 - WHY DON'T YOU, UH, GIVE JODIE HERE THE V.I.P. 211 00:08:19,504 --> 00:08:23,344 I MEAN, IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT. 212 00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:28,205 - UM, SHE WILL TAKE THE V.I.P. WITH EXTRA "V." 213 00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:33,576 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. - I DO. 214 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:36,254 - [whimpers] YAY. 215 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:46,386 WOW. YOU HAVE REALLY GREAT SKIN. 216 00:08:46,424 --> 00:08:47,494 - THANKS. 217 00:08:47,525 --> 00:08:49,685 I STARTED USING ONE OF THOSE ELECTRIC SKIN BRUSHES. 218 00:08:49,725 --> 00:08:52,495 TOTAL GAME CHANGER. - MAY I? 219 00:08:52,529 --> 00:08:56,329 - YEAH. - SOFT AS A BABY'S BOTTOM. 220 00:08:56,364 --> 00:08:58,404 SO HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU? 221 00:08:58,432 --> 00:08:59,572 - OH, I'M SEVEN MONTHS. 222 00:08:59,601 --> 00:09:02,471 - OH, THAT'S WHEN MY BREASTS STARTED LEAKING COLOSTRUM. 223 00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:04,572 - OH, YEAH, I HEARD THAT CAN ACTUALLY HAPPEN. 224 00:09:04,604 --> 00:09:07,114 - THAT IS SO HOT. 225 00:09:07,138 --> 00:09:08,938 - DUDE, YOU BLEW IT. 226 00:09:08,974 --> 00:09:10,714 NOT ONLY IS SHE A WIZARD IN THE KITCHEN, 227 00:09:10,741 --> 00:09:13,011 SHE'S INTO GIRL-ON-GIRL. 228 00:09:13,042 --> 00:09:16,952 - CHECK IT OUT. SHE'S GOING BELOW THE LINE. 229 00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:19,610 - OH, MY GOD. YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE SCAR. 230 00:09:19,648 --> 00:09:22,348 - YEAH, C-SECTIONS ARE A PIECE OF CAKE THESE DAYS. 231 00:09:22,382 --> 00:09:24,252 I MEAN, I MADE THESE SHORTY SHORTS TO COVER IT. 232 00:09:24,285 --> 00:09:26,345 - STOP IT. - YOU SEW? 233 00:09:26,385 --> 00:09:29,715 - I SEW. I SCULPT. I HAVE MY ELECTRICIAN'S LICENSE. 234 00:09:29,753 --> 00:09:32,063 I ACTUALLY INSTALLED THESE FLOOR LIGHTS. 235 00:09:32,090 --> 00:09:35,290 - I FOUND A BRAND-NEW LOVE FOR THIS MAN 236 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:38,064 AND CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU SEE 237 00:09:38,095 --> 00:09:42,325 I CAN'T WAIT SO HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? 238 00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:46,703 HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? 239 00:09:46,732 --> 00:09:51,272 HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? 240 00:09:51,303 --> 00:09:55,543 HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? 241 00:09:55,573 --> 00:09:57,613 - HEY, UH, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE A QUARTER LEZ 242 00:09:57,642 --> 00:09:58,612 WHILE WE WERE DATING. 243 00:09:58,642 --> 00:09:59,682 - WELL, I CAN ALSO TOUCH MY FOOT 244 00:09:59,710 --> 00:10:00,940 TO THE TOP OF MY HEAD, 245 00:10:00,943 --> 00:10:02,343 BUT THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOW FRIENDS. 246 00:10:02,378 --> 00:10:04,008 - OH, SHE'S BENDY. 247 00:10:04,047 --> 00:10:05,307 - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LAP DANCE. 248 00:10:05,347 --> 00:10:08,647 SAPPHIRE--SAPPHIRE IS AN AMAZING WOMAN. 249 00:10:08,681 --> 00:10:11,451 - DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE HAS A KID WITH SPECIAL NEEDS 250 00:10:11,483 --> 00:10:14,053 THAT SHE'S RAISING ALL BY HERSELF? 251 00:10:14,085 --> 00:10:15,985 - YEAH, SHE'S TRYING TO GET HIM INTO A CHARTER SCHOOL, 252 00:10:16,022 --> 00:10:17,092 BUT THERE'S A LOTTERY. 253 00:10:17,122 --> 00:10:18,192 SO SHE'S SAVING UP HER TIP MONEY 254 00:10:18,222 --> 00:10:20,132 TO BUY HIM A BIG BOY BED WITH RAILS. 255 00:10:20,156 --> 00:10:21,656 - OKAY, ALL RIGHT, STOP. YOU WIN. 256 00:10:21,691 --> 00:10:23,391 I DON'T NEED YOU TO RUIN SAPPHIRE. 257 00:10:23,425 --> 00:10:26,455 AND I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. 258 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:27,755 - THEN WHY DID YOU LIE AND SAY YOU DID? 259 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,474 - TO BE NICE. - NO. THAT'S NOT NICE. 260 00:10:30,498 --> 00:10:33,068 WHAT WOULD BE NICE IS IF A GUY WOULDN'T LIE FOR ONCE. 261 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:36,099 - AND SAY WHAT, THAT, UH, YOU CAME ACROSS 262 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,636 AS A PSYCHO WITH THAT BANANA BREAD? 263 00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:38,700 [both gasp] 264 00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:40,007 - I KNEW IT WAS THE BANANA BREAD! 265 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:41,469 - OF COURSE IT WAS THE BANANA BREAD. 266 00:10:41,505 --> 00:10:43,305 WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BAKE A WEDDING CAKE? 267 00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:45,010 - WELL, I'M SORRY THAT BAKED GOODS TRIGGER 268 00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:45,972 YOUR FEAR OF COMMITMENT. 269 00:10:46,009 --> 00:10:49,109 HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN BAKE ALL THAT MUCH. 270 00:10:49,144 --> 00:10:52,114 AND I CERTAINLY DON'T PUT MYSELF OUT THERE LIKE THAT. 271 00:10:52,147 --> 00:10:55,247 THE ONE TIME I DO, THIS IS WHAT I GET. 272 00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:57,751 I THOUGHT YOU WERE ACTUALLY A PRETTY COOL GUY. 273 00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,093 AND I'M A PRETTY COOL GIRL. 274 00:11:00,119 --> 00:11:02,749 BUT YOU'RE JUST NEVER GOING TO SEE THAT 275 00:11:02,786 --> 00:11:05,116 'CAUSE YOU GOT SCARED OF MY SCARY BANANA BREAD. 276 00:11:05,155 --> 00:11:09,115 OOH. HAVE A NICE LIFE. 277 00:11:09,157 --> 00:11:13,127 - I'VE HAD HER BANANA BREAD. IT IS REALLY GOOD. 278 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:14,300 BYE, SAPPHIRE. YOU HAVE MY NUMBER. 279 00:11:14,328 --> 00:11:18,298 - BYE, ANNIE. SO GOOD TO MEET YOU. 280 00:11:21,466 --> 00:11:25,096 - JODIE! JODIE, WAIT! JODIE, WAIT, PLEASE. 281 00:11:25,136 --> 00:11:27,136 COME ON. DON'T LEAVE. DON'T LEAVE. 282 00:11:27,172 --> 00:11:29,812 I'M SORRY. THIS WHOLE THING GOT OUT OF CONTROL. 283 00:11:29,838 --> 00:11:32,768 OKAY? YOU'RE RIGHT. IT WAS JUST BANANA BREAD. 284 00:11:32,808 --> 00:11:35,778 - IT WAS A QUICK BREAD, A-HOLE. 285 00:11:35,809 --> 00:11:39,179 - ANNIE. IT'S OKAY. I GOT THIS. 286 00:11:43,482 --> 00:11:47,292 YOU WERE SAYING? - CAN WE JUST CALL A TRUCE? 287 00:11:47,318 --> 00:11:48,388 I MEAN, I THINK WE'RE EVEN. 288 00:11:48,419 --> 00:11:51,319 YOU SUBJECTED ME TO SIX HOURS OF KATHERINE HEIGL. 289 00:11:51,354 --> 00:11:54,394 - [chuckles] YEAH, THAT WAS ACTUALLY TORTURE. 290 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,162 I HATE CHICK FLICKS. 291 00:11:56,192 --> 00:11:58,132 I'M MUCH MORE A HORROR FILM GIRL. 292 00:11:58,159 --> 00:12:00,389 - REALLY? - TOTALLY. 293 00:12:00,427 --> 00:12:02,527 I LOVE, LIKE, THE OLD-SCHOOL ZOMBIE MOVIES 294 00:12:02,561 --> 00:12:04,801 WHERE THE ZOMBIES ARE ALL SLOW AND NOT SLICK. 295 00:12:04,829 --> 00:12:06,399 - GEORGE ROMERO IS, LIKE, MY HERO. 296 00:12:06,432 --> 00:12:11,202 - UH, BACK IT UP BECAUSE I WAS A ZOMBIE EXTRA 297 00:12:11,234 --> 00:12:12,244 IN DIARY OF THE DEAD. 298 00:12:12,269 --> 00:12:13,669 A ZOMBIE NUN EXTRA. 299 00:12:13,703 --> 00:12:14,803 - NO. - YEAH. 300 00:12:14,838 --> 00:12:16,438 DO YOU NOT REMEM--? 301 00:12:16,471 --> 00:12:18,611 WHEN I GOT BIT, I MADE THIS FACE. 302 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,510 AGH! - I REMEMBER YOU! 303 00:12:20,542 --> 00:12:21,842 - NO WAY, REALLY? - YEAH! 304 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,805 YOU WERE TOTALLY CONVINCING! - THANK YOU! 305 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:24,813 - THAT WAS YOU? OH, MY GOD. 306 00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:29,514 - I KNOW. - THAT'S G-- 307 00:12:29,548 --> 00:12:32,218 LOOK, OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE A COOL GIRL. 308 00:12:32,249 --> 00:12:36,149 UM...CAN WE JUST-- CAN WE EVER GET PAST 309 00:12:36,186 --> 00:12:40,156 THE BANANA BREAD? 310 00:12:40,189 --> 00:12:42,289 - MAYBE. 311 00:12:42,324 --> 00:12:46,134 - I'VE GOT, LIKE, EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER ON DVD. 312 00:12:46,161 --> 00:12:49,201 YOU WANT TO COME OVER. MAYBE WATCH ONE SOMETIME? 313 00:12:49,229 --> 00:12:52,669 YOU KNOW, AS FRIENDS? 314 00:12:52,697 --> 00:12:55,227 - WELL, I KIND OF HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS. 315 00:12:55,266 --> 00:12:59,236 - YEAH. SO DO I. 316 00:13:01,070 --> 00:13:04,140 - YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'M INTO? 317 00:13:04,173 --> 00:13:07,813 SEX. 318 00:13:07,842 --> 00:13:12,112 - UH, ME TOO. 319 00:13:12,145 --> 00:13:14,445 WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. 320 00:13:14,479 --> 00:13:16,109 - TOTALLY. - WHAT ARE YOU-- 321 00:13:16,148 --> 00:13:19,178 RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT, LIKE, RIGHT NOW? 322 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:22,845 - YEAH, LET'S GO. - TAXI! 323 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,715 - I GOT IT. - I GOT ONE. 324 00:13:24,754 --> 00:13:26,824 - NO, I GOT ONE. I GOT IT. 325 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,160 - OOH. WELL, HERE WE ARE. VENICE, CALIFORNIA. 326 00:13:36,195 --> 00:13:38,355 I LOVE IT ALREADY. 327 00:13:38,396 --> 00:13:40,526 - HOW YOU DOING? 328 00:13:40,564 --> 00:13:42,474 - IS THAT A GUY OR A GIRL? - ED. 329 00:13:42,498 --> 00:13:44,398 - WELL, COME ON. IT'S VERY UNCLEAR. 330 00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:46,243 - I DON'T WANT OUR SON'S BOYFRIEND 331 00:13:46,270 --> 00:13:48,670 TO THINK WE'RE A BUNCH OF IGNORANT REDNECKS. 332 00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:49,904 - WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY WE HAVE TO CHANGE 333 00:13:49,936 --> 00:13:51,236 WHO WE ARE. 334 00:13:51,273 --> 00:13:52,673 WE'RE STILL IN AMERICA, AREN'T WE? 335 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:55,207 - THIS WEEKEND IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SHOWING KYLE 336 00:13:55,242 --> 00:13:57,442 AND HIS BOYFRIEND THAT WE ARE OPEN-MINDED, 337 00:13:57,476 --> 00:13:59,876 ACCEPTING, PROGRESSIVE. 338 00:13:59,911 --> 00:14:01,111 THIS CANNOT BE ANOTHER MAY 1ST. 339 00:14:01,112 --> 00:14:03,282 - WELL, THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO. 340 00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:05,615 WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME A BREAK ON THAT? 341 00:14:05,649 --> 00:14:07,479 - WELL, IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. 342 00:14:07,517 --> 00:14:12,487 SO LET'S SHOW KYLE AND DREW HOW FAR YOU'VE COME, ALL RIGHT? 343 00:14:12,521 --> 00:14:15,791 OH, NOW REMEMBER, HIS BOYFRIEND'S NAME IS DREW. 344 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:18,662 SMILE AND BE PLEASANT. 345 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:22,931 [gasps] THERE HE IS. DREW. 346 00:14:22,959 --> 00:14:24,429 IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO MEET YOU. 347 00:14:24,461 --> 00:14:27,731 WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY. - WHAT? MA'AM, EXCUSE ME. 348 00:14:27,763 --> 00:14:30,203 - IT'S SUCH FUN TO BE HERE. I AM HAVING FUN. 349 00:14:30,233 --> 00:14:32,233 ARE YOU HAVING FUN, ED? SAY YOU'RE HAVING FUN. 350 00:14:32,266 --> 00:14:34,236 - ARE YOU GONNA PUT SOME PANTS ON? 351 00:14:34,269 --> 00:14:36,499 - DO I KNOW YOU? - DON'T SHAME HIM, ED. 352 00:14:36,536 --> 00:14:38,366 I'M SURE HE'S HAD ENOUGH OF THAT IN HIS LIFE. 353 00:14:38,406 --> 00:14:41,606 - MOM, DAD, WRONG HOUSE. I'M SORRY, JUDD. 354 00:14:41,641 --> 00:14:44,341 OVER HERE, GUYS. - I'M SO EMBARRASSED. 355 00:14:44,375 --> 00:14:47,535 WE'RE VERY SORRY. ED, SAY YOU'RE SORRY. 356 00:14:47,577 --> 00:14:49,947 - WHAT FOR? HE'S THE ONE WHO'S INDECENT. 357 00:14:49,978 --> 00:14:51,448 - WELL, IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. 358 00:14:51,481 --> 00:14:53,921 - I JUST ASSUMED KYLE WAS DATING A BEAR. 359 00:14:53,948 --> 00:14:56,948 THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THE HUSKIER GAY MEN. BEARS. 360 00:14:56,984 --> 00:15:01,154 - HEY, I'M WORKING OUT. 361 00:15:01,154 --> 00:15:03,324 - IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU. 362 00:15:03,357 --> 00:15:05,557 - YOU TOO. KYLE HAS TOLD US SO MUCH ABOUT YOU. 363 00:15:05,590 --> 00:15:08,890 - NOT EVERYTHING. - LOOK HOW HANDSOME YOU ARE. 364 00:15:08,927 --> 00:15:12,697 DO YOU PREFER DREW OR ANDREW OR DRE? 365 00:15:12,730 --> 00:15:14,630 I KNOW A LOT OF COOL BLACK GUYS GO BY THAT. 366 00:15:14,665 --> 00:15:16,395 - NO, NO, MOM, HE'S NOT COOL. 367 00:15:16,431 --> 00:15:17,401 - WHAT? 368 00:15:17,432 --> 00:15:19,242 - WELL, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT COOL. 369 00:15:19,268 --> 00:15:21,698 - WELL, IT'S JUST DREW. - OF COURSE. 370 00:15:21,736 --> 00:15:24,796 LIKE DREW BARRYMORE. SHE IS A FRIEND OF YOURS. 371 00:15:24,838 --> 00:15:26,468 I SAW HER AT THE MARCH IN WASHINGTON. 372 00:15:26,505 --> 00:15:28,635 - YES. I THINK YOU TOLD ME THAT. 373 00:15:28,674 --> 00:15:30,244 AND THANK YOU FOR THE "I'M NOT GAY, 374 00:15:30,275 --> 00:15:31,605 BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS" T-SHIRT. 375 00:15:31,642 --> 00:15:33,212 - I MADE HIM WEAR IT. - HE DID. 376 00:15:33,244 --> 00:15:37,214 - IT'S IRONIC. ED, TELL THEM ABOUT THE MARCH. 377 00:15:37,248 --> 00:15:40,748 - WELL, WE HAD SOME REAL GOOD CRAB CAKES. 378 00:15:40,782 --> 00:15:42,822 AND WE SAW SOME DYKES ON BIKES. 379 00:15:42,851 --> 00:15:45,321 - NO, NO. - ED, YOU CAN'T CALL THEM THAT. 380 00:15:45,353 --> 00:15:46,823 ONLY THEY CAN USE THAT WORD. 381 00:15:46,854 --> 00:15:47,994 - WELL, WHY NOT? 382 00:15:48,019 --> 00:15:50,319 I MEAN, THEY HAD SIGNS, AND BANNERS, AND-- 383 00:15:50,356 --> 00:15:52,516 YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY WERE SELLING MUGS. 384 00:15:52,557 --> 00:15:55,827 - OH, MY GOODNESS. LOOK AT THAT ABSTRACT PAINTING. 385 00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:58,700 - UM, IT'S JUST A GIFT FROM A FRIEND. 386 00:15:58,728 --> 00:16:00,658 WHY DON'T WE GO LOOK IN THE LIVING ROOM? 387 00:16:00,696 --> 00:16:05,466 - WHAT IS IT? - IT'S KYLE PENIS. 388 00:16:05,499 --> 00:16:06,729 - NO, IT'S NOT. 389 00:16:06,768 --> 00:16:08,398 IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF SHAPES AND COLORS. 390 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:09,565 - LOOK CLOSER, HONEY. 391 00:16:09,603 --> 00:16:13,673 I'D RECOGNIZE THAT BIRTHMARK ANYWHERE. 392 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,436 - I TOLD YOU THEY'D FIGURE IT OUT. 393 00:16:15,473 --> 00:16:17,783 - WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY WE HAVE TO HIDE THINGS. 394 00:16:17,809 --> 00:16:18,939 THIS IS OUR HOME. 395 00:16:18,976 --> 00:16:21,306 - THERE'S NO NEED TO BE EMBARRASSED. 396 00:16:21,344 --> 00:16:23,254 - WELL, CLEARLY, THEY'RE NOT. 397 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,810 MY SON'S JUNK'S HANGING ON A FREAKING WALL. 398 00:16:25,846 --> 00:16:27,276 - WHO WANTS A DRINK? 399 00:16:27,316 --> 00:16:28,876 - I DO. - EVERYONE. 400 00:16:28,915 --> 00:16:30,315 - GREAT. 401 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,520 - THESE MOJITOS ARE DELICIOUS, KYLE. 402 00:16:37,554 --> 00:16:38,764 AREN'T THEY, ED? 403 00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:39,920 - IF I CAN'T HAVE A BEER, 404 00:16:39,956 --> 00:16:41,926 I'LL TAKE A FANCY DRINK WITH GRASS IN IT. 405 00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:45,457 - THE MINT IS FROM OUR GARDEN. - WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. 406 00:16:45,495 --> 00:16:47,495 YOU KNOW, KYLE ALWAYS USED TO BE A BIG HELP IN OUR YARD. 407 00:16:47,529 --> 00:16:48,729 EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME 408 00:16:48,763 --> 00:16:50,663 WHEN HE DUMPED A BUNCH OF GARBAGE ON IT. 409 00:16:50,698 --> 00:16:55,028 - IT'S CALLED COMPOSTING, DAD. - WELL, THAT'S HOW YOU GET RATS. 410 00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:56,867 - NO, THAT'S HOW YOU SAVE THE EARTH. 411 00:16:56,903 --> 00:16:58,873 - THEY'RE VERY GREEN IN CALIFORNIA, ED. 412 00:16:58,905 --> 00:17:01,235 I LOVE IT. REALLY. WE LOVE YOUR HOUSE. 413 00:17:01,239 --> 00:17:03,369 WE LOVE VENICE. WE LOVE EVERYTHING. 414 00:17:03,407 --> 00:17:05,337 - I WAS TELLING THE GUYS AT WORK 415 00:17:05,376 --> 00:17:07,776 THAT I WAS COMING TO VISIT MY SON AND HIS ROOMMATE. 416 00:17:07,811 --> 00:17:09,841 AND THEY TOLD ME THAT THE EXPENSE OF LIVING 417 00:17:09,877 --> 00:17:11,307 IN CALIFORNIA HAS GONE WAY DOWN. 418 00:17:11,345 --> 00:17:12,305 NOW, IS THAT TRUE? 419 00:17:12,346 --> 00:17:13,206 - IT IS TRUE. 420 00:17:13,247 --> 00:17:14,877 YEAH, AS A MATTER OF FACT, SINCE THE-- 421 00:17:14,915 --> 00:17:19,415 - I'M SORRY. DID YOU CALL DREW MY ROOMMATE, DAD? REALLY? 422 00:17:19,451 --> 00:17:21,491 - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT. - IT'S OKAY. 423 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,590 I MEAN, WE DO LIVE TOGETHER. RIGHT, KYLE? 424 00:17:23,622 --> 00:17:27,062 - YES. YES, WE DO. WE DO LIVE TOGETHER. 425 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,429 THAT'S RIGHT. 426 00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:29,488 BUT I THINK WE DO A LITTLE BIT MORE 427 00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:30,486 THAN SPLIT THE PHONE BILL. 428 00:17:30,526 --> 00:17:31,756 - HEY, I'M STILL EATING THAT. 429 00:17:31,794 --> 00:17:33,494 - AND I'M STILL GAY, DAD. 430 00:17:33,529 --> 00:17:35,929 BUT, OOH, WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THAT, DO WE? 431 00:17:35,964 --> 00:17:40,634 - BREATHE, KYLE. - [exhales] AH. 432 00:17:40,666 --> 00:17:42,396 OKAY. I AM. I AM BREATHING. 433 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:45,696 AND IT IS JUST A WORD. A WORD. THAT'S ALL. 434 00:17:45,736 --> 00:17:47,296 A WORD THAT PUT US BACK IN THE CLOSET 435 00:17:47,339 --> 00:17:49,339 WHERE OUR PENIS CAN'T HANG ON A WALL 436 00:17:49,373 --> 00:17:50,873 AND EVERYTHING IS OKAY. 437 00:17:50,907 --> 00:17:53,337 - OH, HONEY, YOUR FATHER KNOWS THE PROPER WORD. 438 00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:56,346 IT'S LOVER, ED. DREW IS KYLE'S LOVER. 439 00:17:56,378 --> 00:17:58,078 - OR BOYFRIEND IS FINE. 440 00:17:58,111 --> 00:17:59,351 - SEE. NOW THAT'S WHAT I MEANT. 441 00:17:59,380 --> 00:18:00,350 WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? 442 00:18:00,381 --> 00:18:01,211 - I'M JUST SAYING, DAD, 443 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,417 YOU WOULDN'T CALL MOM YOUR ROOMMATE. 444 00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:04,879 - WELL, THESE DAYS, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY CALL HER 445 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,447 MY LOVER EITHER. 446 00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:11,086 - OKAY, ROOMIE, TIME TO PUT DINNER ON THE TABLE. 447 00:18:11,121 --> 00:18:12,921 THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST DAY 448 00:18:12,956 --> 00:18:16,356 IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE. 449 00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:18,661 - THAT WAS NOT OKAY BACK THERE, ED. 450 00:18:18,692 --> 00:18:20,832 IS THIS GOING TO BE MAY 1ST ALL OVER AGAIN? 451 00:18:20,862 --> 00:18:24,402 BECAUSE I CANNOT--I WILL NOT RELIVE THAT AWFUL DAY. 452 00:18:24,430 --> 00:18:28,370 NOW I'M SETTING THE ALARM FOR 7:00 453 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,430 SO WE CAN HELP PREPARE FOR THE BRUNCH TOMORROW. 454 00:18:30,469 --> 00:18:34,439 THAT'S GAY FOR LUNCH, HONEY. THEY DO BRUNCH. 455 00:18:34,472 --> 00:18:38,412 OH, WE SHOULD STOP TALKING AND GET SOME SLEEP. 456 00:18:49,382 --> 00:18:53,852 [whispering and banging against wall] 457 00:18:53,886 --> 00:18:58,046 IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL. THEY HAVE THEIR DESIRES. 458 00:18:58,088 --> 00:19:00,618 - SLOW DOWN! - YOU SLOW DOWN. 459 00:19:00,655 --> 00:19:03,615 [whispering and banging against wall] 460 00:19:03,658 --> 00:19:08,398 - WE CAN'T BE MAD AT THEM FOR EXPRESSING THEIR LOVE. 461 00:19:08,427 --> 00:19:11,727 [whispering and giggling] 462 00:19:11,763 --> 00:19:13,403 - OH! OH! 463 00:19:13,431 --> 00:19:15,701 - OH, OKAY, THAT'S IT. I CAN'T LISTEN TO THIS ANYMORE. 464 00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:18,373 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - OUTSIDE TO GET SOME AIR. 465 00:19:18,403 --> 00:19:19,543 ALONE! 466 00:19:44,753 --> 00:19:47,793 - HEY, THERE. - YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE? 467 00:19:47,822 --> 00:19:52,962 I SURE COULD USE ONE. - UH...YEAH. 468 00:19:52,993 --> 00:19:55,093 YEAH, SURE. COME ON OVER. 469 00:19:55,128 --> 00:19:58,558 - I MEAN, I'M TRYING TO BE PROGRESSIVE AND PC 470 00:19:58,596 --> 00:19:59,926 AND ALL OF THAT. 471 00:19:59,964 --> 00:20:02,574 BUT I'M A CAR SALESMAN FROM CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS. 472 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,870 I'M FINE WITH MY SON BEING A GAY. 473 00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:07,170 BUT THE SOUND OF HIM GOING AT IT WITH ANOTHER GUY, 474 00:20:07,202 --> 00:20:09,672 IT'S TOO MUCH. 475 00:20:09,705 --> 00:20:13,535 MAYBE I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, OLD-FASHIONED OR-- 476 00:20:13,573 --> 00:20:15,583 GOD, THAT IS DISTRACTING. 477 00:20:15,609 --> 00:20:18,839 - WHAT? OH, I'M SORRY. 478 00:20:18,878 --> 00:20:22,648 THIS IS, UH, THIS IS ACTUALLY A VIDEO ON HOW TO REWIRE 479 00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:23,881 AN ANTIQUE LAMP. 480 00:20:23,914 --> 00:20:25,184 WATCH THIS. - I THINK WE'RE GOOD. 481 00:20:25,214 --> 00:20:27,554 NOW TURN THE LAMP RIGHT SIDE UP 482 00:20:27,584 --> 00:20:29,594 AND LOOK FOR THE SCREW AT THE SOCKET BASE. 483 00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,419 - YEAH. 484 00:20:31,454 --> 00:20:32,194 - LOOSEN IT USING A SCREWDRIVER. 485 00:20:32,219 --> 00:20:33,189 - WATCH THIS. 486 00:20:33,220 --> 00:20:35,460 - GET YOUR SCREWDRIVER 487 00:20:35,490 --> 00:20:38,530 AND REALLY GIVE IT A GOOD GO. 488 00:20:38,559 --> 00:20:40,189 - [laughs] 489 00:20:40,225 --> 00:20:41,855 - HOW DO YOU HIDE THIS FROM THE WIFE? 490 00:20:41,894 --> 00:20:43,564 - MY WIFE LOVES SAPPHIRE. 491 00:20:43,596 --> 00:20:44,596 SHE'S ACTUALLY USED HER VIDEOS 492 00:20:44,629 --> 00:20:45,659 TO RETILE OUR BATHROOM. 493 00:20:45,696 --> 00:20:46,796 - IS THAT RIGHT? - YEAH. 494 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:49,170 - VERY PROGRESSIVE. UNLIKE ME. 495 00:20:49,198 --> 00:20:51,528 - ED, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. 496 00:20:51,568 --> 00:20:52,828 COME ON. THIS IS YOUR KID. 497 00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:54,768 LOOK, IF YOUR DAUGHTER WAS HAVING SEX 498 00:20:54,802 --> 00:20:56,102 IN THE NEXT ROOM, 499 00:20:56,136 --> 00:20:57,766 YOU'D BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT TOO, RIGHT? 500 00:20:57,804 --> 00:20:59,474 - DEFINITELY. - OKAY. 501 00:20:59,507 --> 00:21:01,407 - BUT THIS IS MORE COMPLICATED. 502 00:21:01,408 --> 00:21:03,578 AND WHY ISN'T IT OKAY FOR ME TO SAY THAT? 503 00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,550 - I THINK IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO SAY THAT. 504 00:21:05,578 --> 00:21:07,208 WE ALL HAVE IDEAS WE GOT TO LET GO OF. 505 00:21:07,244 --> 00:21:09,214 LOOK, I GOT A THING AGAINST FOX NEWS, 506 00:21:09,246 --> 00:21:11,446 REPUBLICANS, PEOPLE THAT BUY GUNS. 507 00:21:11,482 --> 00:21:14,052 I'M SURE YOU CAN PROBABLY CHECK AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE BOXES. 508 00:21:14,083 --> 00:21:15,123 - ALL THREE. 509 00:21:15,151 --> 00:21:16,181 - BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN 510 00:21:16,218 --> 00:21:18,048 JUST BECAUSE YOU AND I DISAGREE ON A FEW THINGS, 511 00:21:18,087 --> 00:21:19,517 WE CAN'T SIT HERE AND ENJOY A BEER TOGETHER. 512 00:21:19,553 --> 00:21:23,563 - DAMN RIGHT. 513 00:21:31,930 --> 00:21:34,060 DOES THIS BEACH BUNNY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GROUT? 514 00:21:34,098 --> 00:21:36,098 'CAUSE THAT'S THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. 515 00:21:36,132 --> 00:21:39,972 - LET'S SEE. 516 00:21:42,236 --> 00:21:44,766 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - OH, THESE HINGES ARE LOOSE. 517 00:21:44,805 --> 00:21:46,605 THEY KEEP DRAGGING. 518 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,110 - WELL, YOU MIND IF I TAKE A LOOK? 519 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:51,682 - SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? 520 00:21:51,711 --> 00:21:53,741 - OH, I COULDN'T SLEEP. 521 00:21:53,776 --> 00:21:56,476 IT WAS, UH, A LITTLE BIT NOISY. 522 00:21:56,514 --> 00:21:57,754 - SORRY ABOUT THAT. 523 00:21:57,779 --> 00:21:59,679 KYLE AND I WERE HANGING A PAINTING. 524 00:21:59,716 --> 00:22:01,446 - I DON'T KNOW THE LINGO. SORRY. 525 00:22:01,450 --> 00:22:03,120 - IT'S NOT CODE FOR ANYTHING. 526 00:22:03,151 --> 00:22:04,751 WE WERE LITERALLY HANGING A PAINTING. 527 00:22:04,786 --> 00:22:07,816 THE ONE FROM THE LIVING ROOM. 528 00:22:07,855 --> 00:22:10,855 OH, YOU THOUGHT-- OH, GOD. NO. 529 00:22:10,889 --> 00:22:13,029 WE WOULD NEVER BE THAT DISRESPECTFUL. 530 00:22:13,057 --> 00:22:14,027 THESE WALLS ARE THIN. 531 00:22:14,058 --> 00:22:16,488 - YEAH, NO KIDDING. 532 00:22:16,528 --> 00:22:18,658 WELL, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE, YOU KNOW. 533 00:22:18,695 --> 00:22:21,655 IT'S JUST I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 534 00:22:21,698 --> 00:22:24,568 I'M SURE THAT KYLE HAS TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MAY 1ST 535 00:22:24,599 --> 00:22:26,669 AND ALL THE OTHER TIMES I SCREWED UP. 536 00:22:26,701 --> 00:22:27,971 - YOUR SON'S A DRAMA QUEEN. 537 00:22:28,002 --> 00:22:29,242 HE MAKES A BIG SHOW OF THINGS 538 00:22:29,269 --> 00:22:30,839 AND THEN FORGETS ALL ABOUT IT LATER. 539 00:22:30,870 --> 00:22:32,870 - YEAH, BUT IT'S USUALLY ME THAT SETS HIM OFF. 540 00:22:32,905 --> 00:22:34,835 - KYLE'S ALWAYS SAYING GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU. 541 00:22:34,872 --> 00:22:36,872 SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY. 542 00:22:36,907 --> 00:22:40,037 WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT MY DAD. 543 00:22:40,077 --> 00:22:43,877 - IS THAT SO? 544 00:22:43,912 --> 00:22:45,882 HUH. 545 00:22:45,914 --> 00:22:47,884 - MR. STRATHMORE, SINCE WE'RE HERE-- 546 00:22:47,915 --> 00:22:51,545 - ED. PLEASE. - ED. 547 00:22:51,585 --> 00:22:53,145 THERE'S, UH, SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU. 548 00:22:53,186 --> 00:22:55,986 - YOU GUYS NEED MONEY? - NO. NO. UM... 549 00:23:00,791 --> 00:23:01,491 I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SON. 550 00:23:01,492 --> 00:23:03,962 AND IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, 551 00:23:03,994 --> 00:23:05,564 I'D LIKE TO MARRY HIM. 552 00:23:10,665 --> 00:23:12,095 - ARE YOU ASKING FOR MY PERMISSION? 553 00:23:12,132 --> 00:23:16,772 - I DON'T KNOW. KIND OF. I GUESS. 554 00:23:16,803 --> 00:23:18,573 - WELL, I GOT TO BE HONEST, 555 00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:22,065 WHEN THEY HANDED ME MY SON IN THE MATERNITY WARD, 556 00:23:22,106 --> 00:23:25,006 I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING. 557 00:23:25,042 --> 00:23:29,252 THAT SHOULD DO IT. 558 00:23:29,278 --> 00:23:32,248 WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SAID NO? 559 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,980 - I'D BE DISAPPOINTED. 560 00:23:36,017 --> 00:23:37,977 I'M JUST OLD-FASHIONED, I GUESS. 561 00:23:38,018 --> 00:23:39,588 - WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. 562 00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:41,650 - EXCEPT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LIBERAL GAY GUY 563 00:23:41,688 --> 00:23:42,788 FROM CALIFORNIA. 564 00:23:42,821 --> 00:23:44,661 BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE EROTIC ART 565 00:23:44,690 --> 00:23:46,020 HANGING IN MY LIVING ROOM. 566 00:23:46,057 --> 00:23:48,657 - YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH EVERYTHING. 567 00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:51,703 - YEAH. AND NEITHER DO YOU. 568 00:23:51,728 --> 00:23:56,798 SO WHEN I ASK YOU HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME MARRYING YOUR SON, 569 00:23:56,830 --> 00:23:59,730 I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE TRUTH, OKAY? 570 00:24:12,241 --> 00:24:14,881 - WHAT IS THIS CALLED? 'CAUSE IT IS DELICIOUS. 571 00:24:14,911 --> 00:24:17,151 - IT'S AN EGG WHITE FRITTATA. 572 00:24:17,178 --> 00:24:18,578 - WELL, LA-DI-DAH. 573 00:24:18,614 --> 00:24:20,924 FORGOT I WAS IN FANCY CALIFORNIA. 574 00:24:20,947 --> 00:24:22,977 - [taps glass] 575 00:24:23,016 --> 00:24:25,276 UM, EVERYONE, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? 576 00:24:25,317 --> 00:24:27,117 THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SAY. 577 00:24:27,152 --> 00:24:31,322 KYLE TAYLOR STRATHMORE... 578 00:24:33,923 --> 00:24:35,163 WILL YOU MARRY ME? 579 00:24:35,191 --> 00:24:39,931 - YES. OF COURSE. I LOVE YOU. 580 00:24:41,362 --> 00:24:42,902 OH! 581 00:24:47,067 --> 00:24:47,967 - EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE. 582 00:24:47,999 --> 00:24:50,639 I JUST WANT TO SAY SOMETHING REAL QUICK. 583 00:24:50,669 --> 00:24:54,769 ALL A PARENT EVER WANTS IS TO SEE THEIR KID HAPPY. 584 00:24:54,804 --> 00:25:00,014 AND WHEN I LOOK AT MY SON, I SEE THAT DREW MAKES HIM HAPPY. 585 00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:03,881 I AM VERY PROUD AND HONORED TO BE A PART OF THIS DAY. 586 00:25:03,912 --> 00:25:06,052 I LOVE YOU, KYLE. 587 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,180 AND CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU. 588 00:25:08,214 --> 00:25:11,754 - THANK YOU. - THANK YOU, DAD. I LOVE YOU. 589 00:25:11,783 --> 00:25:15,753 - WHOO! 590 00:25:15,786 --> 00:25:17,816 - FAYE, HONEY, YOU WANT TO SAY A FEW WORDS? 591 00:25:17,854 --> 00:25:21,824 - YEAH. 592 00:25:21,857 --> 00:25:25,887 CONGRATULATIONS. 593 00:25:28,328 --> 00:25:30,928 - FAYE? 594 00:25:30,965 --> 00:25:33,765 FAYE? 595 00:25:33,799 --> 00:25:34,769 IS SOMETHING WRONG? 596 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,840 - NOTHING. I'M FINE. 597 00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:41,340 - MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 598 00:25:41,372 --> 00:25:42,912 - WHY WOULDN'T IT BE? 599 00:25:42,938 --> 00:25:45,168 - BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING TOTALLY WEIRD. 600 00:25:45,207 --> 00:25:47,337 - OH, NO, I'M NOT. I'M FINE. 601 00:25:47,375 --> 00:25:49,175 - I'M NOT DONE YET. 602 00:25:49,210 --> 00:25:50,780 - MOM, STOP TRYING TO CLEAR PEOPLE'S PLATES 603 00:25:50,811 --> 00:25:51,811 WHILE THEY'RE STILL EATING. 604 00:25:51,844 --> 00:25:55,224 - OKAY. FINE. WHATEVER YOU WANT. 605 00:25:59,917 --> 00:26:01,617 FIX THAT GATE. 606 00:26:07,991 --> 00:26:10,261 [knock at door] - YEAH? 607 00:26:10,291 --> 00:26:11,431 - HEY, JUDD. - HEY. 608 00:26:11,458 --> 00:26:12,888 - SORRY ABOUT THE INTRUSION. 609 00:26:12,927 --> 00:26:14,387 - WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LOOK AT HER GO. 610 00:26:14,428 --> 00:26:18,328 COLLEEN'S GONNA BE SO EXCITED WHEN SHE GETS HOME. 611 00:26:18,364 --> 00:26:22,074 - FAYE, IS THIS ABOUT DREW? 612 00:26:22,099 --> 00:26:23,969 YOU SHOULD REALLY GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER. 613 00:26:24,002 --> 00:26:27,302 HE'S A LOT LIKE ME. HE'S OLD-FASHIONED. 614 00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:30,006 - DREW IS A LOVELY YOUNG MAN. 615 00:26:30,038 --> 00:26:32,338 - MOM, IS THIS ABOUT LAST NIGHT? 616 00:26:32,373 --> 00:26:34,213 BECAUSE DREW TOLD ME YOU THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING SEX. 617 00:26:34,242 --> 00:26:36,112 WE WERE JUST HANGING A PAINTING. 618 00:26:36,144 --> 00:26:38,114 - I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH TWO MEN HANGING A PAINTING, KYLE. 619 00:26:38,144 --> 00:26:39,854 I KNOW YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE. 620 00:26:39,878 --> 00:26:42,408 - "HANGING A PAINTING." NEVER HEARD THAT ONE. 621 00:26:42,447 --> 00:26:45,047 - ALL RIGHT, FAYE, NOW WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 622 00:26:45,082 --> 00:26:47,022 YOU MADE A BIG SCENE AT BRUNCH 623 00:26:47,050 --> 00:26:48,950 AND NOW YOU'RE BARGING INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES, 624 00:26:48,985 --> 00:26:50,915 CLEANING STUFF THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU. 625 00:26:50,953 --> 00:26:53,093 - [laughs nervously] 626 00:26:53,122 --> 00:26:55,792 WELL, I GUESS I WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED 627 00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:58,124 BY THE PROPOSAL. 628 00:26:58,158 --> 00:27:01,658 I JUST NEED A SECOND TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND IT. 629 00:27:01,661 --> 00:27:05,731 - MOM, ARE YOU OPPOSED TO GAY MARRIAGE? 630 00:27:05,764 --> 00:27:08,934 - OF COURSE NOT. 631 00:27:08,966 --> 00:27:12,196 I JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D GO OFF 632 00:27:12,236 --> 00:27:16,196 AND FIND SOMEONE TO BE WITH FOREVER. 633 00:27:16,239 --> 00:27:18,269 I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU'D BE THE ONE 634 00:27:18,305 --> 00:27:20,205 TO GROW OLD WITH ME. 635 00:27:20,241 --> 00:27:22,111 - HEY. WHAT ABOUT ME? 636 00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:24,281 - WOMEN OUTLIVE MEN BY TEN YEARS, ED. 637 00:27:24,309 --> 00:27:25,339 EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. 638 00:27:25,376 --> 00:27:28,246 - MM, I'VE ACTUALLY HEARD IT'S MORE LIKE SEVEN. 639 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:29,710 BUT THAT MIGHT BE 'CAUSE IT'S IN JAPAN 640 00:27:29,748 --> 00:27:31,108 AND THEY EAT ALL THAT FISH. 641 00:27:31,148 --> 00:27:33,378 IT'S NOT MY CONVERSATION. I'M SORRY. 642 00:27:33,416 --> 00:27:36,416 - SO, WAIT, YOU THOUGHT THAT I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED 643 00:27:36,453 --> 00:27:37,493 BECAUSE I'M GAY. 644 00:27:37,518 --> 00:27:39,758 - WELL, YOU KNOW HOW YOU BOYS ARE. 645 00:27:39,788 --> 00:27:42,188 YOU LIKE TO BOUNCE AROUND AND FIND DIFFERENT PARTNERS. 646 00:27:42,222 --> 00:27:43,192 I THINK IT'S GREAT. 647 00:27:43,223 --> 00:27:45,233 I WISH STRAIGHT PEOPLE COULD DO THE SAME THING. 648 00:27:45,259 --> 00:27:47,759 - FAYE, I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE. 649 00:27:47,794 --> 00:27:49,734 - OH, STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE, ED. 650 00:27:49,762 --> 00:27:52,232 - WELL, I WISH THAT YOU'D BE A LITTLE BIT MORE SENSITIVE. 651 00:27:52,264 --> 00:27:54,034 THINKING THAT OUR SON WOULDN'T GET MARRIED 652 00:27:54,065 --> 00:27:57,425 BECAUSE HE'S GAY SOUNDS VERY HOMOPHOBIC TO ME. 653 00:27:57,467 --> 00:27:59,967 - OH, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS. 654 00:28:00,001 --> 00:28:00,841 - NO, MOM. DAD IS RIGHT. 655 00:28:00,870 --> 00:28:03,200 WHAT YOU SAID WAS TOTALLY OFFENSIVE. 656 00:28:03,236 --> 00:28:04,236 - KYLE. - NO, NO, NO. 657 00:28:04,272 --> 00:28:05,502 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. 658 00:28:05,538 --> 00:28:08,508 YOU HAVE RUINED THE DAY THAT I WAS PROPOSED TO. 659 00:28:08,541 --> 00:28:11,511 THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE. 660 00:28:11,543 --> 00:28:13,813 I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET MARCH 19TH 661 00:28:13,844 --> 00:28:15,014 FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. 662 00:28:15,046 --> 00:28:17,446 [glass shattered] - OH. 663 00:28:17,481 --> 00:28:20,081 WAIT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. 664 00:28:20,115 --> 00:28:22,815 I'M SORRY, HONEY. - WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 665 00:28:22,851 --> 00:28:27,391 - NOTHING. JUST A COUPLE OF DRAMA QUEENS. 666 00:28:27,420 --> 00:28:30,320 - WHO WANTS A BEER? both: I DO. 667 00:28:35,459 --> 00:28:40,959 [overlapping conversations] 668 00:28:40,998 --> 00:28:43,898 - I LIKE THE CHEMISTRY 669 00:28:43,934 --> 00:28:46,404 WE LIKE THE CHEMISTRY 670 00:28:46,434 --> 00:28:48,874 IT'S SO 671 00:28:48,904 --> 00:28:52,314 - JUST WHO THROWS A PARTY FOR A BOOK THEY PUBLISHED THEMSELF? 672 00:28:52,339 --> 00:28:54,269 - BE NICE. KRISTA IS OUR FRIEND. 673 00:28:54,308 --> 00:28:55,938 - NO, KRISTA IS YOUR FRIEND. 674 00:28:55,974 --> 00:28:57,544 SHE HATES ME. HE HATED ME EVER SINCE THE WEDDING. 675 00:28:57,575 --> 00:28:59,475 IT'S MY FAULT SHE'S STILL SINGLE. 676 00:28:59,511 --> 00:29:01,511 IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT SHE LAUGHS 677 00:29:01,545 --> 00:29:01,745 LIKE A LOLLIPOP KID. 678 00:29:01,745 --> 00:29:03,505 HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE. 679 00:29:03,546 --> 00:29:04,606 - YOU KNOW WHAT, 680 00:29:04,647 --> 00:29:06,547 MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT IMPRESSION TO HER FACE. 681 00:29:06,581 --> 00:29:09,851 COME ON. LET'S JUST GO HAVE SOME FUN, ALL RIGHT? 682 00:29:09,883 --> 00:29:11,423 IT'S NOT VERY OFTEN THAT I GET TO PARADE 683 00:29:11,451 --> 00:29:16,791 MY HANDSOME HUSBAND AROUND IN HIS SUNDAY'S BEST. 684 00:29:16,824 --> 00:29:22,294 - HOLY BALLS. JUMBO SHRIMP! 685 00:29:22,327 --> 00:29:25,357 OH, MY GOD. COLLEEN, LOOK WHO IT IS. 686 00:29:25,394 --> 00:29:27,504 IT'S DR. O, THE SEX GUY FROM CHANNEL FIVE. 687 00:29:27,529 --> 00:29:30,569 DR. O KNOWS SEX 688 00:29:30,597 --> 00:29:33,337 [sings in Spanish] 689 00:29:33,368 --> 00:29:35,868 - [chuckles] THAT MAN ACTUALLY DOESN'T HAVE 690 00:29:35,903 --> 00:29:36,803 A MEDICAL DEGREE, ALL RIGHT? 691 00:29:36,838 --> 00:29:40,268 HE'S JUST GOT A GOOD AGENT AND GOOD TEETH. 692 00:29:40,305 --> 00:29:42,875 - DID YOU SEE THAT? HE WENT RIGHT FOR THE SHRIMP. 693 00:29:42,908 --> 00:29:45,108 WE COULD TOTALLY BE SHRIMP MATES. 694 00:29:45,142 --> 00:29:46,852 I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM. NOSE? 695 00:29:46,878 --> 00:29:48,808 - GOOD. - TEETH. 696 00:29:48,846 --> 00:29:50,206 - GOOD. - BREATH. 697 00:29:50,246 --> 00:29:52,876 [exhales] - OH, YEAH. SHRIMPY FRESH. 698 00:29:52,915 --> 00:29:56,815 GO FOR IT, TIGER. 699 00:29:56,852 --> 00:29:59,992 - DR. O. HEY. I AM SUCH A FAN OF YOUR SHOW. 700 00:30:00,019 --> 00:30:01,789 - A MALE FAN WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT. 701 00:30:01,788 --> 00:30:03,588 GOOD FOR YOU. 702 00:30:03,621 --> 00:30:04,661 - WELL, I MEAN, YOU TALK ABOUT SEX. 703 00:30:04,689 --> 00:30:06,859 WHAT GUY WOULDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX, RIGHT? 704 00:30:06,891 --> 00:30:08,231 - STILL, IT'S USUALLY THE WIFE WHO TELLS ME 705 00:30:08,259 --> 00:30:10,129 WHAT A BIG FAN SHE IS. 706 00:30:10,161 --> 00:30:11,461 - OH, I'M SORRY. 707 00:30:11,493 --> 00:30:14,363 I'M ACTUALLY LESS OF A TV, MORE OF A BOOK PERSON. 708 00:30:14,396 --> 00:30:16,096 - YOU KNOW, I'M AN AUTHOR AS WELL. 709 00:30:16,131 --> 00:30:20,841 - FICTION. I LIKE FICTION. - OH. 710 00:30:20,869 --> 00:30:22,399 THAT IS A SHAME BECAUSE MY NEW BOOK 711 00:30:22,434 --> 00:30:24,144 IS ABOUT ACHIEVING THE ULTIMATE INTIMACY 712 00:30:24,171 --> 00:30:28,311 BETWEEN PARTNERS VIA...EYEGASMS. 713 00:30:28,340 --> 00:30:32,510 - VIA WHAT-GASMS? 714 00:30:32,542 --> 00:30:34,842 - EYEGASMS. 715 00:30:34,878 --> 00:30:38,148 DEEP, CONSTANT EYE CONTACT 716 00:30:38,179 --> 00:30:39,449 DURING MUTUAL CLIMAX. 717 00:30:39,482 --> 00:30:40,482 AND AT THAT MOMENT, 718 00:30:40,515 --> 00:30:44,115 YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE INTO YOUR PARTNER'S SOUL. 719 00:30:44,150 --> 00:30:47,620 - [laughs] 720 00:30:47,651 --> 00:30:51,361 EYEGASMS? I MEAN, REALLY? 721 00:30:51,390 --> 00:30:53,930 NO ONE? 722 00:30:53,958 --> 00:30:56,188 - WE SHOULD GRAB A BEER SOMETIME. 723 00:30:56,225 --> 00:30:58,425 I WON'T BRING HER. 724 00:30:58,461 --> 00:31:04,301 - BLAME IT ON YOURSELF 725 00:31:04,332 --> 00:31:06,902 - OPEN YOUR EYES. - NO. 726 00:31:06,933 --> 00:31:08,903 - COME ON. LET'S KNOCK OUT AN EYEGASM. 727 00:31:08,935 --> 00:31:10,595 - REALLY? - YEAH. 728 00:31:10,636 --> 00:31:13,596 - OH. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 729 00:31:13,638 --> 00:31:16,138 OKAY. [clears throat] 730 00:31:16,173 --> 00:31:19,083 - BABY 731 00:31:19,108 --> 00:31:21,208 I THINK YOU KNOW 732 00:31:21,243 --> 00:31:23,613 THAT I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU 733 00:31:27,247 --> 00:31:30,217 - [laughs] 734 00:31:30,249 --> 00:31:32,579 - HA. - I'M SORRY, BABY. 735 00:31:32,617 --> 00:31:37,357 - YOU KNOW WHAT THE LAUGH IS? TYPICAL VAGINAL DEFLECTION. 736 00:31:37,389 --> 00:31:39,159 - WHAT? - CHAPTER THREE. 737 00:31:39,188 --> 00:31:42,028 - OKAY, I AM NOT DEFLECTING. 738 00:31:42,059 --> 00:31:43,529 - WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TRY THIS? 739 00:31:43,559 --> 00:31:45,329 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SAYS WE SHOULD TRY NEW THINGS. 740 00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:47,261 - I MEANT GOING TO THE SYMPHONY 741 00:31:47,294 --> 00:31:49,634 OR A SUNDAY MORNING HIKE. 742 00:31:49,662 --> 00:31:51,002 - ON SUNDAY, I WILL FILL A CANTEEN 743 00:31:51,032 --> 00:31:52,202 AND WE CAN WALK TO THE CONCERT HALL 744 00:31:52,232 --> 00:31:53,202 IF YOU'LL DO THIS FOR ME. 745 00:31:53,233 --> 00:31:54,333 COME ON. LET'S DO THIS. 746 00:31:54,367 --> 00:31:55,537 - NO, LOOK, IT'S JUST WEIRD, OKAY? 747 00:31:55,568 --> 00:31:57,498 I MEAN, EYEGASM? 748 00:31:57,536 --> 00:31:59,196 YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON? 749 00:31:59,236 --> 00:32:03,606 OUR-GASM, HUH? - [laughs] OKAY. COME ON. 750 00:32:03,639 --> 00:32:05,139 COME ON. LET'S TRY THIS. PLEASE? 751 00:32:05,174 --> 00:32:08,144 - OKAY. JUST DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY. 752 00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:11,246 BUT SOMETIMES I NEED TO KEEP MY EYES CLOSED 753 00:32:11,279 --> 00:32:13,509 YOU KNOW, TO STAY IN MY OWN WORLD. 754 00:32:13,546 --> 00:32:16,646 - WHAT--WHAT DOES THAT MEAN "STAY IN YOUR OWN WORLD"? 755 00:32:16,683 --> 00:32:21,953 - FANTASIES, JUDD. I FANTASIZE. 756 00:32:25,389 --> 00:32:26,519 - FANTASIZE? 757 00:32:26,556 --> 00:32:29,686 LIKE, NOT ABOUT ME? 758 00:32:29,723 --> 00:32:31,033 ABOUT OTHER MEN? 759 00:32:31,060 --> 00:32:32,960 ABOUT OTHER MEN THAT AREN'T ME? 760 00:32:32,994 --> 00:32:34,964 - NOT ALL THE TIME. 761 00:32:34,996 --> 00:32:38,666 SOMETIMES IT'S YOU AND SOMETIMES IT'S FIREMEN. 762 00:32:38,697 --> 00:32:41,967 - FIREMEN? PLURAL? 763 00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:45,001 - YOU KNOW, LOOK, 9/11 AFFECTED ME IN A LOT OF WAYS. 764 00:32:45,036 --> 00:32:46,166 - I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. 765 00:32:46,203 --> 00:32:48,673 COLLEEN, MY MIND IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL TO YOU 766 00:32:48,704 --> 00:32:50,274 DURING SEX--ALWAYS. 767 00:32:50,306 --> 00:32:51,666 EXCEPT, OF COURSE, WHEN I'M ALONE. 768 00:32:51,706 --> 00:32:53,276 BUT THAT'S, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE. 769 00:32:53,308 --> 00:32:56,208 - LOOK, MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT THAT WAY. 770 00:32:56,242 --> 00:32:58,512 YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT JUST FRICTION FOR US. 771 00:32:58,545 --> 00:32:59,975 - IS THERE A DALMATIAN SITTING THERE 772 00:33:00,014 --> 00:33:01,154 THE WHOLE TIME WHILE YOU'RE DOING THIS? 773 00:33:01,181 --> 00:33:01,911 'CAUSE THAT'S JUST SICK. 774 00:33:01,914 --> 00:33:03,724 - IT'S NOT SICK. 775 00:33:03,749 --> 00:33:06,679 YOU SHOULD TRY IT. HAVE A FANTASY. 776 00:33:06,716 --> 00:33:08,216 IT MIGHT BE FUN. 777 00:33:08,252 --> 00:33:10,152 USE ONE OF YOUR ALONE-TIME LADIES. 778 00:33:10,187 --> 00:33:13,587 - MAYBE I'LL BE - LET'S TRY THIS. 779 00:33:13,622 --> 00:33:19,262 - A HOMETOWN FANTASY, BOY 780 00:33:19,294 --> 00:33:23,004 - YAHTZEE. - WHOO. 781 00:33:23,030 --> 00:33:25,030 SO WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT, HUH? 782 00:33:25,063 --> 00:33:28,033 CHEERLEADERS? PLAYBOY BUNNIES? 783 00:33:28,066 --> 00:33:32,196 - A BARISTA. - OH. YEAH, I GET IT. 784 00:33:32,236 --> 00:33:34,636 I GET IT. THE LITTLE APRON. 785 00:33:34,669 --> 00:33:36,709 AND THE STEAMY MILK. 786 00:33:36,738 --> 00:33:39,978 - WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF JENNY ALWAYS WEARS AN APRON, BUT YEAH. 787 00:33:40,009 --> 00:33:45,549 - WAIT, YOUR FANTASY HAS A NAME? 788 00:33:45,578 --> 00:33:49,308 - WHAT? - SHE'S AN ACTUAL PERSON? 789 00:33:49,347 --> 00:33:52,077 WHO YOU SEE EVERY MORNING WITHOUT ME? 790 00:33:52,117 --> 00:33:53,977 FACE-TO-FACE? 791 00:33:54,018 --> 00:33:57,018 HANDING HER MONEY FROM OUR JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT? 792 00:33:57,054 --> 00:33:58,994 - WELL, DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SHE'S A HOOKER. 793 00:33:59,022 --> 00:34:01,962 SHE'S A BARISTA/SINGER-SONGWRITER 794 00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:04,056 WITH A CD... 795 00:34:04,092 --> 00:34:06,592 THAT I DO NOT HAVE IN MY CAR. 796 00:34:06,626 --> 00:34:10,256 - MY FANTASIES ARE NAMELESS, FACELESS FIREFIGHTERS 797 00:34:10,296 --> 00:34:12,396 WHO'S ONLY MUSIC IS HEROISM. 798 00:34:12,431 --> 00:34:14,401 - WELL, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WERE RULES. 799 00:34:14,433 --> 00:34:16,003 - OF COURSE THERE ARE RULES. 800 00:34:16,034 --> 00:34:18,004 SO WHAT, ALL THIS EXTRA EFFORT 801 00:34:18,035 --> 00:34:19,635 WITH THE THRUSTING AND THE ROCKING, 802 00:34:19,668 --> 00:34:22,138 THAT WAS ALL FOR JENNY AND NOT ME? 803 00:34:22,170 --> 00:34:24,170 YOU KNOW WHAT... - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 804 00:34:24,206 --> 00:34:25,436 THE PILLOW WALL? 805 00:34:25,473 --> 00:34:26,743 I'M GETTING THE PILLOW WALL FOR THIS? 806 00:34:26,774 --> 00:34:28,014 - MM-HMM. - I'LL BE 807 00:34:28,043 --> 00:34:32,153 YOUR HOMETOWN FANTASY GIRL 808 00:34:36,313 --> 00:34:38,313 - I'M COMING INTO THE KITCHEN IN CASE YOU WANT TO BUILD 809 00:34:38,348 --> 00:34:41,118 A SKYSCRAPER OF COFFEE CUPS TO PROTECT YOUR TURF. 810 00:34:41,152 --> 00:34:44,352 OR AS DR. O WOULD CALL IT, YOUR VAGINAL COMPOUND. 811 00:34:44,386 --> 00:34:47,056 - LOOK, I AM SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT. 812 00:34:47,089 --> 00:34:48,689 I ACTED TOTALLY IMMATURE. 813 00:34:48,721 --> 00:34:50,791 SO HERE. A PEACE OFFERING. 814 00:34:50,823 --> 00:34:53,093 - YOU MADE ME COFFEE? - MM-HMM. 815 00:34:53,126 --> 00:34:57,226 - MM. CHEWY. WHAT'S IN HERE? 816 00:34:57,263 --> 00:34:59,233 - CARAMEL SAUCE, CHOCOLATE SAUCE, M&M'S, 817 00:34:59,264 --> 00:35:01,704 AND A TOUCH OF BUTTERMILK. 818 00:35:01,731 --> 00:35:03,571 YOU KNOW, I FIGURED I'D SAVE YOU A TRIP 819 00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:04,570 THIS MORNING. 820 00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:07,570 - HO-HO-HO. WOW. - WHAT? 821 00:35:07,602 --> 00:35:09,102 - ARE YOU STILL MAD ABOUT THE BARISTA? 822 00:35:09,138 --> 00:35:10,738 - I AM NOT. - AH, COLLEEN. 823 00:35:10,771 --> 00:35:13,411 - JUDD. LOOK, GIVE ME SOME CREDIT. 824 00:35:13,439 --> 00:35:15,339 IT WAS SILLY AND I'M OVER IT. 825 00:35:15,375 --> 00:35:17,335 SO JUST THANK ME FOR THIS LOVELY GESTURE 826 00:35:17,376 --> 00:35:19,206 AND GO ABOUT YOUR DAY. 827 00:35:19,244 --> 00:35:21,414 - THANK YOU. THIS IS VERY SWEET OF YOU. 828 00:35:21,444 --> 00:35:25,454 THANKS. MM. MMMMM. 829 00:35:25,481 --> 00:35:28,121 WHOO-HOO! GOOD-BYE TONGUE! 830 00:35:28,150 --> 00:35:29,780 - I'M TRASHY. IN A CUTE WAY. 831 00:35:29,818 --> 00:35:31,648 YOU KNOW, LIKE THE EARLY BRITNEY VIDEOS. 832 00:35:31,687 --> 00:35:34,287 - [laughs] 833 00:35:38,291 --> 00:35:41,331 - HE JUST FANTASIZED ALL WRONG, KRISTA. 834 00:35:41,359 --> 00:35:42,329 - I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT SURE 835 00:35:42,359 --> 00:35:43,559 I THINK IT'S THAT BIG A DEAL. 836 00:35:43,595 --> 00:35:46,525 - OH, JUDD WILL BE THRILLED TO HEAR YOU STANDING UP FOR HIM. 837 00:35:46,563 --> 00:35:48,333 - WHY DOES HE STILL THINK I HATE HIM? 838 00:35:48,364 --> 00:35:49,764 - OH, I DON'T KNOW. 839 00:35:49,799 --> 00:35:51,799 MAYBE BECAUSE THE SERIAL KILLER IN YOUR LAST BOOK 840 00:35:51,833 --> 00:35:54,303 WAS NAMED JUDD. 841 00:35:54,334 --> 00:35:57,274 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - I'M GETTING COFFEE. 842 00:35:57,305 --> 00:35:59,465 - BEFORE YOGA? - SHUT UP. 843 00:35:59,505 --> 00:36:02,035 I WANT TO SEE WHAT THIS WHORE LOOKS LIKE. 844 00:36:02,041 --> 00:36:05,781 - THIS IS THE CALLING, THIS IS THE REASON 845 00:36:05,809 --> 00:36:10,149 THAT I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU FALL AWAY 846 00:36:10,179 --> 00:36:13,249 THIS IS THE MOTION, THIS IS THE MEANING 847 00:36:13,282 --> 00:36:16,422 - BLONDIE? NO WAY. TOO OBVIOUS. 848 00:36:16,451 --> 00:36:20,391 - NO, IT'S HER. I KNOW IT. 849 00:36:20,421 --> 00:36:22,291 - [deep voiced] JENNY! - YEAH? 850 00:36:22,322 --> 00:36:25,322 - OH. - HMM. 851 00:36:25,358 --> 00:36:27,358 - YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER. 852 00:36:27,391 --> 00:36:30,161 YOU'RE UNIQUE. - UNIQUE? 853 00:36:30,193 --> 00:36:31,693 I ASSUME I HAVE A GREAT PERSONALITY TOO. 854 00:36:31,729 --> 00:36:35,229 - NOT TODAY. - HA HA HA. HEY. 855 00:36:35,264 --> 00:36:37,374 - I HATE YOU, JUDD ROUSCHER. I REALLY DO. 856 00:36:37,398 --> 00:36:41,168 - SEE? OH, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN 857 00:36:41,202 --> 00:36:42,502 ON THAT AMAZING SELF-PUBLISHED BOOK. 858 00:36:42,535 --> 00:36:44,435 - SERIAL KILLER! 859 00:36:44,470 --> 00:36:47,570 - SO ARE YOU HERE TO THANK JENNY FOR LAST NIGHT? 860 00:36:47,606 --> 00:36:50,306 - NO, I'M HERE BECAUSE THE COFFEE YOU MADE ME 861 00:36:50,343 --> 00:36:51,283 WAS DISGUSTING. 862 00:36:51,308 --> 00:36:53,238 WHAT WAS THAT AT THE BOTTOM? A PICKLE CHIP? 863 00:36:53,277 --> 00:36:55,377 - I GET IT. HER COFFEE'S BETTER. 864 00:36:55,410 --> 00:36:58,680 HER COFFEE'S YOUNGER. - WHAT? 865 00:36:58,714 --> 00:37:00,384 - COME ON. LOOK AT HER. 866 00:37:00,414 --> 00:37:01,854 SHE IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ME. 867 00:37:01,882 --> 00:37:02,082 - OH, PLEASE. COME ON. 868 00:37:02,083 --> 00:37:04,253 SHE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A GENERIC 869 00:37:04,285 --> 00:37:05,245 SUPER HOT GIRL NEXT DOOR. 870 00:37:05,286 --> 00:37:06,316 CORN-FED MIDDLE AMERICAN. 871 00:37:06,354 --> 00:37:08,864 - OKAY, THOSE BOOBS ARE NOT CORN-FED, ALL RIGHT? 872 00:37:08,887 --> 00:37:11,557 YOU ARE FANTASIZING ABOUT A BARBIE DOLL, 873 00:37:11,590 --> 00:37:14,360 WHICH MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HER UGLY, 874 00:37:14,392 --> 00:37:16,132 URBAN TROLL DOLL COUSIN WHO NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY WITH. 875 00:37:16,161 --> 00:37:17,831 - WELL, HOW DO YOUR FIREMEN MAKE ME FEEL? 876 00:37:17,860 --> 00:37:19,600 I MEAN, THEY MAY BE FACELESS, BUT THEY DO HAVE ABS. 877 00:37:19,628 --> 00:37:22,698 - THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. SOME FIREMEN ARE OUT OF SHAPE. 878 00:37:22,729 --> 00:37:24,569 - OH, SO NOW YOU'RE SAYING I'M OUT OF SHAPE? 879 00:37:24,599 --> 00:37:27,429 - NO, I'M SAYING THAT YOU'RE A JERK, JERK. 880 00:37:27,468 --> 00:37:29,398 - WELL, AT LEAST MY FANTASY 881 00:37:29,435 --> 00:37:31,565 WASN'T A GANG-BANG WITH LADDER TWELVE. 882 00:37:31,604 --> 00:37:34,374 I MADE SWEET, CIVILIZED, ONE-ON-ONE LOVE 883 00:37:34,405 --> 00:37:36,235 TO JENNY THE BARISTA. 884 00:37:36,274 --> 00:37:39,884 - HI, JUDD. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT YOUR USUAL. 885 00:37:43,478 --> 00:37:46,218 THANK YOU. 886 00:37:46,248 --> 00:37:47,348 I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN? 887 00:37:47,383 --> 00:37:51,423 - JENNY. - JENNY. THAT'S RIGHT. 888 00:37:54,220 --> 00:37:57,520 COLLEEN. COLLEEN, COME ON. 889 00:37:57,554 --> 00:37:59,764 - UM, EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? 890 00:37:59,791 --> 00:38:01,461 - OFFICER KURT DARLINGTON, MA'AM. 891 00:38:01,491 --> 00:38:02,131 - HA. OFFICER KURT DARLINGTON 892 00:38:02,125 --> 00:38:04,925 IS GOING TO BE MY NEW SEX FANTASY. 893 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,400 - I THOUGHT YOU ONLY LOVED FIREMEN. 894 00:38:06,428 --> 00:38:08,758 - THEY WERE ALL HEROES ON 9/11. 895 00:38:08,796 --> 00:38:10,466 - YEAH. SO WAS RUDY GIULIANI. 896 00:38:10,499 --> 00:38:14,469 YOU GONNA BANG HIM TOO? OFFICERS. 897 00:38:16,369 --> 00:38:18,939 - DR. O KNOWS SEX 898 00:38:18,969 --> 00:38:21,239 - ARE YOU A VAGINAL DAY TRADER? 899 00:38:21,271 --> 00:38:23,441 FIND OUT TODAY ON DR. O. 900 00:38:23,473 --> 00:38:26,713 - GUY'S SUCH A DOUCHE. 901 00:38:26,743 --> 00:38:29,253 YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ACTUALLY WATCHING THAT CRAP. 902 00:38:29,277 --> 00:38:31,607 - I MET THIS AWESOME GUY AND HAD AMAZING SEX 903 00:38:31,646 --> 00:38:32,676 WITH HIM LAST WEEK. 904 00:38:32,714 --> 00:38:36,454 - MM-HMM. TO ORGASM? - I THINK SO. 905 00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:37,821 - OKAY, SERIOUSLY, JUDD, 906 00:38:37,851 --> 00:38:39,521 CAN YOU TURN IT OFF, NOW? 907 00:38:39,551 --> 00:38:41,291 - ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW, 908 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,490 BUT MY CELL PHONE ACCIDENTALLY DELETED HIS NUMBER 909 00:38:43,521 --> 00:38:44,661 AND NOW I CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM. 910 00:38:44,688 --> 00:38:47,458 - WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOU GETTING IN TOUCH WITH HIM? 911 00:38:47,490 --> 00:38:49,460 I MEAN, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A LASTING RELATIONSHIP 912 00:38:49,491 --> 00:38:50,591 OR YOU JUST WANT MORE GREAT SEX? 913 00:38:50,626 --> 00:38:51,686 - ENOUGH. 914 00:39:01,235 --> 00:39:03,365 WHO ARE YOU CALLING? JENNY? 915 00:39:03,402 --> 00:39:06,602 DID SHE GIVE YOU THE NUMBER TO HER MALIBU DREAM HOUSE? 916 00:39:06,637 --> 00:39:09,467 - YEAH, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO DR. O, PLEASE. 917 00:39:09,506 --> 00:39:10,606 IT'S ABOUT EYEGASMS. 918 00:39:10,641 --> 00:39:12,271 - JUDD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 919 00:39:12,307 --> 00:39:13,707 - UH, MY WIFE COLLEEN ROUSCHER. 920 00:39:13,743 --> 00:39:16,513 - DON'T USE MY REAL NAME. - IT'S FINE. 921 00:39:16,545 --> 00:39:18,245 SHE USED TO HAVE ORGASMS ALL THE TIME. 922 00:39:18,279 --> 00:39:19,849 - KNOW WHAT, MY MOTHER WATCHES THIS SHOW. 923 00:39:19,879 --> 00:39:20,849 NO MORE SPECIFICS. 924 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:22,380 - VENICE, CALIFORNIA. 925 00:39:22,415 --> 00:39:23,775 UH, AND WHEN WE MET DR. O, 926 00:39:23,815 --> 00:39:25,945 HE OPENED HIS BIG SHRIMP HOLE AND TOLD US 927 00:39:25,984 --> 00:39:27,624 THAT WE NEED TO SPICE THINGS UP. 928 00:39:27,652 --> 00:39:30,422 BUT I DON'T NEED TO SPICE THINGS UP, 929 00:39:30,454 --> 00:39:33,594 'CAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE. 930 00:39:33,622 --> 00:39:35,262 SHE'S THE MOST INTERESTING, SEXY WOMAN 931 00:39:35,291 --> 00:39:38,891 THAT I'VE EVER MET. 932 00:39:38,926 --> 00:39:40,556 SHE'S PROVOCATIVE, AND FUNNY, 933 00:39:40,594 --> 00:39:43,564 AND SHE'S A TIGER IN BED. 934 00:39:43,596 --> 00:39:48,266 SHE IS MY REAL-LIFE FANTASY. 935 00:39:48,301 --> 00:39:53,571 AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT SHE MARRIED ME. 936 00:39:56,473 --> 00:39:58,373 - WHEN DID THEY HANG UP ON YOU? 937 00:39:58,407 --> 00:40:01,537 - RIGHT AFTER I SAID "SHRIMP HOLE." 938 00:40:01,575 --> 00:40:03,335 - WELL, YOU'RE STILL MY HERO. 939 00:40:03,378 --> 00:40:04,778 - HOW ABOUT THIS PLAN, HUH? 940 00:40:04,811 --> 00:40:07,711 PRIVATE HEAD SPACE. OUR THOUGHTS ARE OUR OWN. 941 00:40:07,747 --> 00:40:09,717 - KEEPING THINGS FROM EACH OTHER IS GOOD. 942 00:40:09,748 --> 00:40:12,478 - IT'S HEALTHY. IT'S RIGHT. - IT'S SO US. 943 00:40:12,518 --> 00:40:14,848 - I LOVE US. 944 00:40:14,885 --> 00:40:17,385 both: MMM. 945 00:40:17,420 --> 00:40:20,260 - I SEE YOU AND YOU SEE ME 946 00:40:20,290 --> 00:40:22,520 I WATCH YOU BLOWING THE LINES 947 00:40:22,556 --> 00:40:24,356 WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A SCENE 948 00:40:24,393 --> 00:40:25,693 OH, GIRL... 949 00:40:25,726 --> 00:40:27,796 - AH. - YAHTZEE. 950 00:40:27,828 --> 00:40:30,828 - I WAS THINKING MORE "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP." 951 00:40:30,862 --> 00:40:32,562 - BABY. - YEAH. 952 00:40:32,599 --> 00:40:34,629 - I KNOW THAT WE SAID WE WOULDN'T DO THIS, 953 00:40:34,665 --> 00:40:37,665 BUT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT? 954 00:40:37,700 --> 00:40:39,970 - PLEASE, NO. 955 00:40:40,004 --> 00:40:45,544 - I WAS ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOU. 956 00:40:45,573 --> 00:40:47,813 - THEY'RE WATCHING YOU - SAME HERE. 957 00:40:47,842 --> 00:40:49,642 - THEY'RE WATCHING YOU 958 00:40:49,676 --> 00:40:53,306 THEY SEE YOUR EVERY MOVE 959 00:40:53,346 --> 00:40:54,746 THEY SEE YOU, PRIVATE EYES 960 00:40:54,780 --> 00:40:57,750 - IN A LARGE BOWL, WE'VE MIXED SUGAR AND BUTTER 961 00:40:57,782 --> 00:40:58,882 UNTIL FLUFFY. 962 00:40:58,917 --> 00:41:02,247 NOW ADD THE BANANAS AND MASH THEM. 963 00:41:02,252 --> 00:41:06,292 THIS IS WHERE THE BREAD GETS ITS SWEETNESS FROM. 964 00:41:06,323 --> 00:41:09,633 - I WONDER - TIME TO ADD THE BUTTERMILK. 965 00:41:09,658 --> 00:41:13,628 SOMETHING ABOUT THE SWEET AND SOUR COMING TOGETHER 966 00:41:13,661 --> 00:41:16,501 WORKS SO NICELY. 967 00:41:16,528 --> 00:41:18,498 - TO ME - POUR THE BATTER 968 00:41:18,530 --> 00:41:19,930 INTO THE LOAF PAN. 969 00:41:19,964 --> 00:41:21,674 STICK IT IN THE OVEN. - OH. 970 00:41:21,698 --> 00:41:26,638 - ADD HEAT. AND LET IT RISE. - OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD. 971 00:41:26,668 --> 00:41:31,038 [exhales] 972 00:41:31,072 --> 00:41:35,382 - SEE. TOLD YOU. 973 00:41:35,409 --> 00:41:40,979 - SHE'LL DO IT OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN 974 00:41:45,014 --> 00:41:46,624 - AFTER 60 MINUTES, 975 00:41:46,650 --> 00:41:48,580 TAKE THE LOAF PAN OUT OF THE OVEN 976 00:41:48,617 --> 00:41:51,347 AND PLACE IT ON THE COOLING RACK. 977 00:41:51,387 --> 00:41:55,317 - OH. [giggles] 978 00:41:55,357 --> 00:41:57,687 - OH. MY PARENTS 979 00:41:57,723 --> 00:41:59,663 ARE DEFINITELY NOT HANGING A PAINTING. 980 00:41:59,691 --> 00:42:02,291 - IT MAY TAKE A LITTLE WHILE TO COOL OFF. 981 00:42:04,695 --> 00:42:05,655 - THAT BAD, HUH? 982 00:42:05,696 --> 00:42:09,696 - MM-HMM. - YEAH. 983 00:42:09,732 --> 00:42:11,632 - SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO ADD CHOCOLATE CHIPS 984 00:42:11,668 --> 00:42:13,498 OR NUTS TO THEIR BREAD. 985 00:42:13,535 --> 00:42:15,035 THERE'S NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY. 986 00:42:15,069 --> 00:42:18,339 I MEAN, WE'RE ALL LEARNING, RIGHT? 987 00:42:18,373 --> 00:42:23,613 THIS IS SAPPHIRE AND HOW TO MAKE BANANA BREAD. 988 00:42:23,642 --> 00:42:26,382 - [gasps] - MMM! 989 00:42:26,412 --> 00:42:28,752 DOESN'T THAT JUST MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER? 990 00:42:28,779 --> 00:42:30,949 I LOVE BANANA BREAD. 991 00:42:30,981 --> 00:42:33,981 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 72793

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