All language subtitles for Dogpatch 1971 --

It's a typical day

in Dogpatch, U.S.A.

Where typical folks

Do things in a typical way

First, we rub the sleep
From our eyes

Get our grub
And shoo away the flies

We spend what's negotiable
Then we get sociable

Sitting around swapping lies

And then we drops by
To collect unemployment pay

Which leads us to say
It's a typical day

in Dogpatch, U.S.A.

Howdy, boys
I'm Moonbeam McSwine

Sleepin' out with pigs is my line

The fellas admire me
But they don't squire me

Unless the weather is fine

But I does all right when the wind
Blows the other way

I is known as Marryin' Sam

Which is fine
Because that's who I am

I figures it's vital
To change a gal's title

To missus or even madame

For 15 cents extra
I'll furnish the bride's bouquet

Step aside for Earthquake McGoon

Bustin' out all over like June

I stands on the corner
Enormous and ornery

Makin' the fairer sex swoon

My secret desire is to tangle

with Daisy Mae.

Like he said
My name's Daisy Mae

Because my ma
She planned it that way

My one aim in life
Is to be a good wife

And to marry Li'l Abner someday

She'd chase Li'l Abner
Clear off into outer space

If he could be caught
In the next Sadie Hawkins Race

Mammy here's society's queen

And she heads the local machine

I's sweet, but I's mystical
And pugilistical

Matter of fact, a champion

Li'l Abner
We has both learned

Still don't know
How money gets earned

He's big, and he's gentle

But unsentimental
As far as young gals is concerned

I get purty tired
Of runnin' from Daisy Mae

Which leads us to say
It's a typical day

in Dogpatch, U.S.A.

- Girls, Sadie Hawkins Day.
- Oh, boy.

I'm gonna catch myself
a husband this year.

Look, here comes Marryin' Sam.

- Good old Dogpatch. Nice to be back.
- Hi, Marryin' Sam.

Greetings, everybody.
Greetings to y'all.

- Hi there.
- Hi, Marryin' Sam!

- Hi, Sam

Howdy, Marryin' Sam.
Welcome home.

Well, it sure is nice to see
all you gals getting in shape

- for the big race next Friday.
- We sure is, Sam.

Has you any new types of weddings
for us this year, Sam?

No, honey, just my usual line.

There's my $2 standard, which
guarantees you three weeks of bliss

and 50 years of quiet desperation.

My $4 special.
My $6 foreign sports model.

That's in case any of you latches
on to some foreign sports.

And of course, my $8 spectacular.

And don't you worry
about your credit,

because this year
I'm on the Diners Club.

Now we'll see you next Friday, Sam,

with our newly intended,
whoever they may be.

- Grab yourself a live one, Moonbeam.
- We sure will, Sam. See you.

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten...

Come on, Sophia.

Let's go see our friend
Available Jones.

Well, howdy, Sam. Welcome home.

Howdy, Available.

My, sure is good to see you,

and it's good to be
back here in a metropolis.

- I guess that's where I belong.
- You always was a city boy at heart.

Yeah. I likes the hustle
and the bustle and...

Say, what you working on?

Greatest piece
of merchandise I ever had

for the Sadie Hawkins Day Race.

It's my ICBM.

ICBM? What's that mean?

I catches bachelor men.

Sounds promising.

- How does it work?
- Top-secret.

Already been promised
to a matriarchal head

of one of Dogpatch's first families.

- Not Pansy Yokum?
- No comment.

Now, don't tell me that Mammy's
fixing to trap Li'l Abner

so as Daisy Mae
can catch him this year?

Can't discuss it.

- Why not?
- You knows my integrity,

my sense of honor.

When I makes a confidential
deal for a price,

my lips is sealed,
and they stay sealed.

- Till you gets a better price.
- Naturally.

Marryin' Sam. Marryin' Sam.

What is it, Louella?

Mammy Yokum says for you
to come right on over

for a business conference
of enormous magnitude.

I'll be right there, child.
Oh, by the way,

- how's your dear mother?
- She's out a-hunting.

- And your dear father?
- That's what she's a-hunting for.

Lovely child.

Think there's a chance
we could marry her off this year?

Sure is, soon as her divorce is final.

Keep me informed.

Abner, it's time to go fishing.

I'm coming.

You can't go yet.

- Why not?
- Because you can't, that's why.

Pansy, if the boy
wants to go fishing--

Hush up. You can't go yet.

- Why not?
- Because...

Because you haven't taken
your Yokumberry Tonic.

Mammy, I'm too old
to still take that old baby tonic.

- Oh, no, you ain't.
- Oh, yes, l is.

Oh, no, you ain't, and I knows best.

I've been giving you a spoonful
of my own special Yokumberry Tonic

every day since the day
you was born.

And I intends to give you a spoonful
every day till the day you dies

and for several weeks thereafter.
Now open and hold.

- But, Mammy, I've got--
- Open and hold. I has spoken.

- Hey, Abner, come on.
- I'm coming.

Abner Yokum, you sit
that down right there.

That there.

Oh, Mammy.

Now, Abner, Daisy Mae
is coming by soon,

so is Marryin' Sam.

And I kind of thought
that maybe this year

you'd let that sweet little gal
catch you on Sadie Hawkins Day.

Pansy, if the boy feels
he ain't ready for marriage yet--

Pappy, why don't you take
your oversized nose

and your undersized self
and take a walk.

- Now, Pansy--
- Goon.

Stroll into town, see what's doing
down in the lower-rent district.

Go on, get.

- But, Pansy--
- Get! I has spoken.

One of these days,
you're gonna make me very mad.

Get, get, get out of my way.
I got places to go and things to do.

Now, son--

Mammy, before you get started,
I've got something to say.

You is my very own mother.

Down deep inside of me,
I loves and respects you,

almost as much as I loves
and respects the U.S. of A.

But I also want to say
that down deep inside of me,

I loves and respects fishing,

and that's where I'm going now.

- But, Abner, I--
- See you later, Mammy.

Abner, I'm...

Now, you wait right here
for me, Sophia,

and don't you go chomping
on any of them Yokumberries.

- Well, howdy, Sam.
- Why, howdy, Pansy Yokum.

Sure is nice to see
your Yokumberry tree

blooming so high and happy.

Does pretty well
every year, Sam. Thank you.

Yes. And how is your sweet,
gentle and relentless little self?

Tolerable, Sam. Tolerable.

But I has to have
a man-to-man talk with you.

Summit conference?

The summitest. Sit down, Sam.

Tell me, Sam, what you got
this year in a $2 wedding?

My $2 wedding?
This year, it is spectacular.

First, I strips to the waist
and wrestles the four biggest guests,

male or female.

That's a nice warm beginning.

Then I tells four or five
off-color stories,

guaranteed to embarrass
man or beast.

And as I ties my arms and legs
to four infuriated mules--

Mammy, Mammy Yokum.

Mammy.

Mammy, look at this.

- Oh, hello, Marryin' Sam.
- Morning, Daisy.

And how is your sweet and
well-proportioned little self?

Miserable, Sam.

Look what I just received,
a wedding invite.

Well, what's so miserable
about that?

It's an invite to my own wedding.

- What?
- Listen to this.

-Dear madam, you is hereby
cordially invited to attend the nuptials

of your own, sweet,
well-put-together self

and that ever-popular, champion
dirty wrestler of the world,

namely me, Earthquake McGoon.-

- Earthquake McGoon?
- Earthquake McGoon?

- -Dinner. R.S.V.P.-
- What's that mean?

When you has dinner
with Earthquake McGoon,

R.S.V.P. means only one thing,
-roast skunk very possible.-

Mammy, I'm scared.

I never said I'd "nuptialize�

with a miserable ape
like Earthquake McGoon.

Did I hear my name?

Morning, ladies.

Howdy, Sam.

My, Daisy Mae, you looking
special purty this morning.

Thank you, Mr. McGoon.

Glad I ran into you, Sam.

Tell me, what has you
in a $4 wedding?

And just what, may I ask,
would a rat varmint like you

want with information
about a $4 wedding?

Could be I'm fixing
to get myself married,

since just returning home
with my newly acquired title,

namely the
World's Dirtiest Wrestler,

I am particularly well-heeled.

Is you inferring you has money?

Lady, I is filthy with it.

Mister, you was filthy without it.

Naturally, I intend to wed
a certain Dogpatch gal.

McGoon, you crazy or something?

You knows a man can't claim
a gal for marriage down here

unless she catches him herself
on Sadie Hawkins Day.

If you want some answers,
I suggest you perambulates on down

to the fall-about meeting, which is
about to be held at Cornpone Square.

Cornpone Square!

You mean this is gonna be
a Cornpone meeting?

By direct request
of my very good friend

the Honorable Senator
Jack S. Phogbound.

- Is Senator Phogbound coming here?
- That's right.

- First time in 18 years.
- This could be serious.

And we only has Cornpone meetings
for events of national importance.

Or a hideous change
in the Dogpatch way of life.

There gonna be
a hideous change, all right.

Come on, Sam.

Now, tell me about your $8 wedding.

Well, I don't crave your business,
but I can't discriminate.

Now, first I clips your toenails, gives
you a quick shave and a sponge bath

if you needs it, and frankly,
I'd say you needs it.

I like that for a beginning.

Looks bad, Daisy.

Oh, what is we gonna do?

I tell you what we's gonna do.

You hightail it up
to Polecat Creek

and tell Abner and the rest
of them no-good skunks

- to get over there to that meeting.
- Right.

But what if they'd druther not?

You just tell them that
I'd druther they had druther,

and when Pansy Yokum says
she had druther they had druther.

Brother, they'd druther.

If I had my druthers

I'd druther have my druthers

Than do any work at all

It ain't that I hates it

I often contemplates it

While watching the raindrops fall

I sits there for hours

Developin' my powers

Of figurin' how flowers gets tall

If I had my druthers

I'd druther have my druthers

Than do any work at all

Abner?

Oh, there you are. Abner.

Abner, Mammy says y'all is
to come to the meeting.

- Daisy Mae, you is out of bounds.
- Abner, you--

You know Polecat Creek
is off-limits to love-starved females.

- I'm no--
- And since you is both love-starved

and female, I suggest you get out
the way you got in.

Abner Yokum, if you don't
get down to that meeting,

Mammy gonna give you what for.

What for is she gonna
give me what for?

Because it's a big, important meeting,

big enough so that Earthquake
McGoon's going around

bragging how he's
gonna marry me

and throw me a big fancy wedding
with a roast-skunk dinner.

That's just talk.

He can't marry you unless you catches
him first on Sadie Hawkins Day.

And you don't run
after nobody but me.

You does it every year,
you poor soul.

This year it'd be so simple
if you'd just help me.

I mean, if you is ashamed,
I could dig a big hole,

and you could fall in and pretend
like you broke your leg.

Or maybe I could shoot you
in some unimportant place.

Daisy Mae, that is subversive talk,
and I won't hear none of it.

And neither will these boys.
Now you get on out of here.

- But, Abner--
- I said, get.

- But Mammy said--
- Get, I has spoken.

All right, I'll just tell Mammy you ain't
coming to the Cornpone meeting.

- Cornpone meeting?
- Of course.

You didn't say it was
a Cornpone meeting.

Did you hear that, fellas?
A Cornpone meeting.

This must be
a national emergency.

We'd better get there fast, this might
call for some brains or something.

- Daisy, fetch me my worms.
- Surely.

Mayor Dawgmeat! Times a-wasting,
so let's get on with the meeting.

Yeah, mayor, lay it on them,
lay it on them.

Fellow citizens, I, My Honor,
Daniel D. Dawgmeat,

declares open this solemn
Jubilation T. Cornpone meeting.

That's fine,
I'm sure glad to hear that.

- Who was Jubilation T. Cornpone?
- Hush up.

- Hush up, I said.
- Now wait a minute, Rufe.

Don't whomp that child.

Come here, Zsa Zsa.

Zsa Zsa, honey, it's high time
you knew that our town was founded

by that beloved man sitting up
there on that beloved horse,

Jubilation T. Cornpone.

The greatest fighting general
and military strategist

the Confederacy ever knew.

Was he brave?

Brave? Why J.T. Cornpone didn't
know the meaning of the word -fear.-

Terror, yes, but fear, never.

And all over the countryside,
there's monuments

commemorating the names
of his famous battles.

- Such as?
- Cornpone's Disaster.

Cornpone's Misjudgment.

Cornpone's Catastrophe.

And Cornpone's Humiliation.

When we fought the Yankees
And annihilation was near

Who was there to lead the charge
That took us safe to the rear?

Why, it was
Jubilation T. Cornpone

Old Toot-Your-Own-Horn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone
A man who knew no fear

- Tell us more, Sam.
- Yeah, tell us. What else did he do?

When we almost had them
But the issue still was in doubt

Who suggested the retreat

That turned it into a rout?
Why, it was--

- Jubilation T. Cornpone.
- Correct!

Old Tattered-and-Torn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone
He kept us hidin' out

With our ammunition gone
And faced with utter defeat

Who was it that burned the crops
And left us nothing to eat?

Why, it was Jubilation T. Cornpone

Old September-Morn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone
The pants blown off his seat

Hooray!

When it seemed like our brave boys
Might keep on fighting for months

Do tell!

Who took pity on them
And capitulated at once?

Why, it was Jubilation T. Cornpone

Unshaven-and-Shorn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone

He weren't nobody's dunce

Why, it was Jubilation T. Cornpone

Unshaven-and-Shorn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone

He weren't nobody's dunce

History says that General Grant
Was pretty good with a jug

Who drank drink-for-drink with him
And wound up under the rug?

Why, it was Jubilation T. Cornpone

Passed-Out-Until-Morn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone

His whiskers in his mug

Hearing that a Northern spy
Had come to town for a night

Who gained entrance to her rooms
And lost a glorious fight?

Why, it was Jubilation T. Cornpone

Old-Weary-and-Worn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone
He fought all through the night

There at Appomattox, Lee and Grant
Were present, of course

As Lee swept a tear away
Who swept up back of his horse?

Why, it was Jubilation T. Cornpone

Weren't-Sorry-Forlorn-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone
A picture of remorse

Why, it was Jubilation T. Cornpone

Completely-Abhorrent-pone

Jubilation T. Cornpone

He really saved the day

All right, mayor,
now get on to your agenda.

Yeah, let's do a little -agendizing.-

All right, let's get back to the meeting.

- Now, the first thing on the agenda is--
- Hold it! Hold it a minute!

Mayor Dawgmeat,
I've got a question.

I wanna knows how come
we having a Cornpone meeting.

Abner, my boy,

the answer to that is a-coming up
the road right now.

Hello, everybody! Hello!
Hello, glad to see you.

Well, now, say--

Hello. Yes.

Earthquake, how are you, my boy?

Howdy, senator.

- Abner, get back here.
- Hello, senator.

Well, Daisy Mae.

My fellow citizens of Dogpatch,

our distinguished senator,

the Honorable Jack S. Phogbound.

Mayor Dawgmeat

and my beloved constituents
of Dogpatch,

I could stand here

and bask in the sunshine
of your warm greeting forever.

Bask on your own time, Phogbound.

Yeah, get to the point!
Get to the point!

Now, I bet you all wonder
what I've been doing

down in Washington
these last 18 years.

We didn't care just so long
as you was there and we was here.

Quiet!

Senator, tell them what you done
done for us down there in Washington.

I done got the United States Senate
to pass the Jack S. Phogbound Bill.

There's no Jack S. like our Jack S.

That's right.

Through my efforts,
little old Dogpatch,

obscure, unknown,

poverty-stricken Dogpatch
is gonna be world-famous.

And just what for is we gonna
be famous for? What for?

You is gonna save the lifeblood

of a vigorous, thriving American
industry, that's what for.

And what industry is that, senator?

My boy, a glorious young industry

devoted solely
to the stimulation and relaxation

so necessary for the
American businessman.

An industry known as Las Vegas.

Las Vegas?

Ain't that where they do
all that gambling?

Yes, Daisy Mae,
and right there's their problem.

You see,

in the desert nearby,

the government's a-shooting off
certain nuclear weapons of war.

Atom bombs.

Atom bombs!

That's right, and atomic dust
of them bombs

is a-floating down and a-settling
in them Las Vegas swimming pools

and on them beautiful,
green felt crap-shooting tables.

That green felt
is a-turning so brown,

you can't tell at all whether
your money is playing the field

- or coming the hard way.
- Well, I object.

And the colors is fading
on them slot machines.

- No.
- Oh, yes, they is.

Why, you can't tell at all whether
you've got two cherries or three plums,

three bells or two oranges.

And when you hits the jackpot,

you don't dare touch your money,
because it might be radioactive.

Does you think your government
up there in Washington

is gonna stand by

and let a tragedy like this happen
to an American industry

to whom so many have given
so much for so little?

- No!
- No, my-- No, my friends.

And that is why
the Jack S. Phogbound Committee

has been chosen.

To find a new place to test them
atom bombs and guided missiles?

Yes.

Some place we can blow off
the face of the earth.

Some spot that ain't
never gonna be missed.

In fact, the most unnecessary place
in the whole U.S.A.

Well, I'll be dogged.
How about that.

And I now has the honor and
the privilege of announcing that,

after a four-year
government survey

of all the no-good, no-account,

unnecessary places
in this whole country,

you has been selected
as the most unnecessary of all.

Now pay attention,
you lovable citizens.

You all is gonna be moved out of here

by order of the
United States government.

And here's the
fine government scientist

who will supervise your evacuation.

Citizens, meet
Dr. Rasmussen T. Finsdale.

Friends, friends, we intend
to move you from Dogpatch

to a necessary place in our society.

Now, the first detonation
will be on Wednesday,

but the evacuation
will start immediately.

So good luck and thank you.

And so, my dear constituents,

as I bid you farewell,

I beg you, don't let me down.

Just remember, your government
is spending $1 million

on one bomb just to blow your homes
off the face of the earth.

So show your appreciation!

Don't that take the rag
Off of the bush?

Sure do!

Don't that take the tassel
Off of the corn?

Yahoo!

Of all the very ordinary
Most unloved

Unnecessary places on this earth
They settled on yours

- Rule the day!
- They settled on yours

- Great day!
- As sure as you're born

- Hey! Hey!
- They settled on yours

Dogpatch!

Don't that take the beard
Off of the goat?

Don't that take the nap
Off of the yarn?

Of all the very ordinary
Most unloved

Unnecessary places on this earth
The favorite is ours

Don't that take the rag
Off of the bush?

Don't that take the tassel
Off of the corn?

Of all the very ordinary
Most unloved

Unnecessary places on this earth
The favorite is ours

Dogpatch!

Hold it! Wait up!

Friends, citizens,

wash out your ears
and listen close.

I wants to add
to this glorifying occasion

by making a history-creating,
romantic announcement.

I hereby claims
as my bride in marriage

none other than that attractive
little crowd-pleaser,

the ever-popular Miss Daisy Mae.

- Holy mackerel.
- How dare you!

- Abner, give him what for.
- I'll bust his head wide open.

Just a minute. I does
the head-busting for this family.

McGoon, you crazy?

You know you can't claim
no gal down here

unless she catches you
on Sadie Hawkins Day.

You hear the man?

He say they gonna drop
the bomb on Wednesday.

Well, Sadie Hawkins Day
ain't till Friday.

So there can't be no more
Sadie Hawkins Day.

No more Sadie Hawkins Day?
What is we gonna do?

Mammy, what is we gonna do?

Think fast, Mammy. My income
depends on the outcome.

- Don't worry, Sam.
- Be quiet, everybody.

Since we ain't gonna have
no more Sadie Hawkins Day,

we automatically goes back
to the code of the hills.

Whereby, if a male desires
marriage with a female

of the opposite sex,

he can claim his beloved
if he gets approval of her next of kin.

- Right, Mayor Dawgmeat?
- That's the law.

Therefore, I claims in marriage
the aforementioned

lusciously desirable,
delicious, delectable,

palpitatingly appetizing
young morsel--

Is that a female or a breakfast food?

Hush up. Miss Daisy Mae.

Under the code of the hills,
is there any other claimers?

- Excuse me.
- Naturally.

Much obliged.

Well, if there isn't
any other claimers,

- I's award Daisy--
- Wait!

I also claims the ever-popular lady
in question.

- You done what?
- I claims Daisy Mae.

For the purposes of marriage?

Well, whatever he's claiming her for,
I'm claiming her for.

Abner, does you really mean it?

Sure, I means it.

Oh, Abner, dear.

All right. We has two claimers.

Now, under the aforesaid code
of the hills,

whereas there's two claimers,

the choice must be decided on
by Daisy Mae's next of kin.

- Been decided.
- What?

She already been promised to me

by my good friend,
and Daisy Mae's closest next of kin,

the ever-sensible Romeo Scragg.

Romeo Scragg?

That's me. Big and brassy,
fat and sassy,

fit as a fiddle and ready for love.

Romeo Scragg, you claims
you Daisy Mae's kith and kin?

- I is, and that's the whole trouble.
- Trouble?

I'd like to kith her,
but I don't think I kin.

Quiet now.

Now, Daisy Mae, is Romeo Scragg
your kinfolk, or ain't he?

Well, yes,

but they from a disgusting side
of the family

we never socializes with

except for weddings and hangings,
mostly theirs.

Ain't no use you fighting it,
honey child.

You're pure Scragg from the top
of your scraggy head

to the bottom
of your scraggy toes,

and that's a mess of Scragg.

But we don't consider ourselves--

Once a Scragg, always a Scragg.

Quiet. Quiet.
Now, Romeo Scragg,

is it true that you gave Daisy Mae

- to Earthquake McGoon?
- Correct.

How could you make
such a miserable decision?

Because Earthquake here,
he's a fine man.

He's a good man.
He put love in his heart,

he put faith in his country,

and he just put $4 in my back pocket.

Bless you, my children.

That'll be $4 more.

Let me at him!

Let me at him!

Didn't I shoot you last week?

- Did you hear what he said to me?
- Quiet, everybody.

Now, let's get on with the plans
for the evacuation.

Just a minute.
I have something to say.

Now, I has been promised
to Earthquake McGoon

to have and to hold.

I know some great holds.

And I'll go through with
the nuptials fair and square

because we lives
by the code of the hills,

which I loves and respects.

But first I wanna ask a question.

Is there a government man here?

Excuse me.
Yes, miss, what is it?

Were you gonna bomb our town
because you couldn't find

- nothing about it necessary, right?
- Correct.

Suppose we did find
something necessary,

- what then?
- Well,

we'd hardly bomb any community

which made a necessary contribution
to society.

You all hear that?

Now, I say, let's go spread out
and find something necessary.

She's right. We gotta save
our Sadie Hawkins Day, gals.

- Protect the rights of womanhood.
- You can't stop your fellow citizens.

They wants to get up
and get out of here.

These fine young maidens got a right
to get out of this miserable pesthole

and go see the outside world.

- Yeah, Mammy.
- We wants to get citified.

- -Culturized.-
- Modernized.

We wants to broaden our horizons.

So you does, does you?
Well, let me tell you something.

Your horizons
are broad enough already.

Especially yours.

You gals got any idea what they
got waiting for you out there?

- The horrible, miserable customs?
- Like what?

Like a before-marriage custom
called "engagement.�

Engagement? What's that?

That's the time that elapses
between when a gal says, -Sure do,-

and the preacher says, -Go to.-

How long does that
engagement thing last?

- Sometimes a whole month.
- A whole month?

What are they, insecure?

Yes, my good friends,
you're gonna have to do

all kinds of horrible things out there.

- Gonna have to take baths.
- No.

- Comb your hair.
- No!

- Clean your nails.
- No!

And worst of all, you'll
have to go to work.

No!

- Oh, that's terrible.
- Is we gonna stand for this injustice?

- No!
- Is we gonna take this lying down?

- No!
- Then what's we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we's gonna do.

We gonna turn this whole town
upside down until some place,

somewhere, someone
finds something necessary.

Abner, help me.

Come on, Daisy.

Abner, let's stop and talk for a while.

This ain't no time to do any talking.

But, Abner, don't you realize
what you've just done?

- You've finally asked me to marry you.
- Yeah, I know.

Why did you do it?

Well, I don't know.
I just did, that's all.

But why?

Well,

there you was,
your usual sweet self,

and there was old Earthquake,

a-panting, a-puffing, a-wheezing
and a-snorting at you.

I ain't gonna let no one like McGoon
puff, pant, wheeze and snort at you.

So I just ups and done it, that's all.

Does that mean you aims to let me
catch you if we has Sadie Hawkins?

- I reckon so.
- Oh, Abner.

- What took you so long?
- Well, I don't know, Daisy.

Some years, I wanted you to catch
me awful bad, but I just couldn't.

I don't know why I couldn't,
but I couldn't.

- There must've been a reason.
- But what was it?

Take last year's race for instance.

There I was, loping along with
my usual burst of brilliant speed,

and I turned around and seen
you, sweet and purty,

reaching out your hand
to grab me for life.

And suddenly, a voice inside of me
hollered, "Abner, boy, take off!"

And I took.

Oh, but that's all behind us now.

You really reckon?

And life's gonna be full
of so many wonderful things.

Things you've been deserving
for such a long, long time.

Namely what?

You deserves a gal who's willing

Namely me

One who'd love
To have your children

Namely me

Standing there
In the doorway waiting

At the close of day

With you all the way

To love

Honor and obey

You deserves two arms to hold you

Namely mine

There to comfort and enfold you

Rain or shine

I deserve someone
Strong and handsome

Bashful and shy and true

And I know

Just the one who'll do

Namely you

You deserve someone good-looking

Namely me

Someone who as yet ain't tooken

Namely me

That is how I'll remain
Unless you get me

Shall we say

In the family way

Come next Sadie Hawkins Day

You craves arms
To make you tingle

Namely mine

To a bachelor who's single

That sounds fine

Comes the day I no longer -bachel-

Naturally, I'll be true

- And who could I
- And who could I

- Be truest to?
- Be truest to?

Namely you

Abner, don't stand there
mooning and spooning!

Come on, we gotta get down
and help save the town!

I'm sorry. It just won't do.

There's nothing indispensable
about any of this.

Here's something necessary.

Yeah, what about this,
Mr. Government-Man?

Oh, no. There's absolutely
nothing necessary

about a cigar-store Indian,

or a set of his and her spittoons,
or any of this trash.

- Is there anyone else?
- I've got it!

I've got it!

- Here it is.
- What is it?

A 1925 Sears, Roebuck catalog.

Special Dogpatch edition.

But there's no printing in it.
The pages are all blank.

Well, we didn't have any money
that year, so they sent it out blank

just to keep up the goodwill.

Well, it's interesting, my good man,
but hardly a necessity.

Might be if you lived in Dogpatch.

Now I've had enough.
This is an order. Every one of you--

I's got it. I's got it.

You can stop your fretting and
your fussing because I's really got it.

The most necessary
innovation in modern times.

- Oh, quickly, what is it?
- Here, put these on.

Cover up, young feller.

Stupefyin'...

...Jones.

What does it do?

It's a deadly weapon,

guaranteed to stupefy any human male
dead in his tracks.

Here, I'll demonstrate.
Hey, Itchy McRabbit.

- Yeah.
- Come on over here.

All right, honey.
Five, four, three, two, blast off.

Stupefied.

Unstupefied.

- What you want?
- Nothing.

Oh, all right.

- Well?
- It's fascinating.

But of what utility?

Why, she'd be invaluable
to music lovers.

She could make
Elvis Presley stand still.

But I like him the way he is.

Now, then, enough
of this nonsense. The--

I've got it. I've got it.
I've really got it.

If you's looking for something
necessary to the whole country,

look no more, because I has it
right here in this little bottle.

My own special
Yokumberry Tonic.

- Yokumberry Tonic?
- Yep.

I whops it out of the berries
of my Yokumberry tree.

Madam, I never heard
of a Yokumberry tree.

Well, you wouldn't. There's only
one of them in the whole world.

That's right,
and it's right in their front yard.

- That's the truth.
- Man ain't interested

in your phony old tonic.

Phony? My boy, Abner, takes it,
and just look at those muscles.

Yeah, just look at those muscles.

And look at that smile.

Wall-to-wall teeth.

I'm sorry, madam.
We already have more tonics

and bodybuilders than we can use.

Appears to me, your body could
still do with a little more building.

Now, that's enough. The evacuation
will proceed immediately.

Meaning there's just nothing
about us that's necessary?

I'm afraid not.

And I should think you'd be delighted at
a chance to get out of a place like this.

You don't rightly understand, mister.

It may not look like much to you,

but this here's our land, our soul.

Where we was raised.

And where our kinfolk
was born and hung.

Where our ancestors
took their bare hands

and built all of this
out of the wilderness.

Our beautiful skunk works.

West Pork Chop Railroad.

That beautiful intersection
of Hog Fat Boulevard

and Sheep Dip Drive.

Where we was planning to build
our new hotel, the Dogpatch Hilton.

Not to mention, Cornpone Square.

Come on Mammy, Pappy.

If you're looking for something
really necessary, we got them.

- Now what?
- Kikapoo joy juice.

Heap big firewater.

Cheap rotgut, ain't fit
for human consumption.

Now, wait, wait. Can it be
produced inexpensively?

Mister, if you pays more
than a nickel a quart,

you're violating the fair-trade laws.

Well, there we are.
An alcoholic beverage

that could be sold to the American
public for only 5 cents a quart.

Perhaps I'd better taste it.

No need to bother, doctor.
I'd be glad to take a little taste for you.

Oh, very well, if you'd like.

Water! Water! Water!

Why bother with just plain water?

Why not take something
guaranteed to build you up,

like some Yokumberry Tonic.

- He's as big as Li'l Abner.
- He is. He is.

Holy mackerel. He sure is.

What was in that bottle?

Just some of my own
special bodybuilding tonic.

Has anyone ever taken this before?

No one in the whole world
except my boy, Abner.

You say this tonic is made from a tree
that grows only in your front yard?

That's right, and it belongs
to my boy, Abner.

Dr. Finsdale, this is a matter
for top echelon security.

Right. Yokum, you'll have to come
to Washington immediately.

- Yes, sir, Your Honor.
- Now hear this, all of you.

This Yokumberry Tonic seems
to have miracle-like properties,

which could well alter our plan
for the evacuation of Dogpatch.

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

However, this drug will need
exhaustive tests on human guinea pigs,

and since you will be
most affected by its outcome,

I'm asking, are there any
volunteers among you?

Hey, hey, you got one right here.

If he gonna come out looking
anything like Abner,

you got yourself one guinea pig.

If that stuff will make something
like that out of something like this,

you got him.

I'd be happy if mine had
a pair of shoulders like that.

I'd be happy if mine
had one shoulder like that.

- Take him.
- Take them all.

Marryin' Sam. Sam.

- What is it, child?
- Go along with him, Sam.

- Take care of Li'l Abner.
- Be my pleasure, honey.

Gentlemen, you'll find an Army truck
waiting down the road. Come along.

Hold on. Wait a minute.

Mr. Scientist, does this mean
we're gonna be necessary after all?

My dear young lady,
if these tests fulfill their promise,

Dogpatch will not only
become necessary,

it will become
absolutely indispensable.

Hooray!

The world was shaken
to its roots today

by a White House announcement that
a Dogpatch lad named Abner Yokum

has discovered a miracle drug
which may revolutionize mankind.

We got it first.

Bulletin, the White House,
Washington, D.C.

Abner Yokum has just told
the president

that if the Yokumberry tests
are successful,

he will give all rights of his fabulous
drug to the government itself.

Private industry is up in arms.

Phogbound, you idiot. Phogbound,
you bumbling nincompoop.

Didn't you tell Yokum of my offer
of a million dollars

for the rights to manufacture
that drug?

I did, General Bullmoose,

but he says he's only interested
in what's good for the U.S.A.

What's good for General Bullmoose
is what's good for the U.S.A.

And by Dow Jones and all their
little averages, don't you forget it.

- Right, boys?
- Right!

Three rousing rahs a few hazzahs
And a hip, hip, hip hooray

What's good for General Bullmoose
Is good for the U.S.A.

Phogbound, I want the
manufacturing rights to that drug.

And by E.R. Squibb & Sons,
I don't care how I get it.

What's this nonsense about
his wanting to give it away?

That's right. He's gonna
give it to the government.

Didn't you tell him I can make him
a better deal than the government?

I have more money
and fewer dependents.

But, my dear General Bullmoose--

Don't you -dear General Bullmoose-
me, you bumbling, incompetent hillbilly.

Do you realize what you've done?

If I owned that tonic, I could make
all the money in the world.

And I need it.

Ever since I was a little child,

I had a dream.

A simple child's dream.

And all that simple child ever wanted

was to get his hands
on all the money in the world

before the greatest broker
of them all

called him to that
big stock market in the sky.

And you, you imbecile,
you've shattered a little child's dream.

Bullsie.

Bullsie, sweetie, lower your voice.

You know what the doctor said.

You mustn't get so excited,
you'll lower your blood sugar.

I don't have blood sugar anymore.
I sold it to my Cuban interest.

Oh, Bullsie.

Appassionata, you should've
been here an hour ago.

- Why are you so late?
- I had to make up.

- Your face?
- No, with the chauffer.

We had a little fight.

Remind me to fire that chauffer.

Now, Appassionata,

that Yokum yokel
is coming here today.

He wants to give his drug
to the government.

And we've got to make him a better
proposition. Now, let's see.

What could we possibly offer him that
he couldn't get from the government?

Make sure I fire that chauffer.

Now, Appassionata, listen carefully.

You've got to do
everything you can to help.

If this bumpkin gives
his drug to the government,

he threatens the whole
free-enterprise system.

- What's in it for me?
- This could destroy capitalism.

- What's in it for me?
- You've got to think of yourself

as a super patriot
doing a super patriotic duty.

What's in it for me?

A million bucks.

Call me Betsy Ross.

Mr. Yokum to see you, sir.

Send him in. Send him in.

Keep your motor running,
Appassionata. I may need you.

Come in, please.

Just Mr. Yokum.

Much obliged.

Well, well, well.
My boy. My dear boy.

- I'm General Bullmoose, son.
- Howdy, general.

- You know the senator.
- Oh, sure.

And this is Miss Appassionata
Von Climax, my executive secretary.

Howdy, ma'am.

Executive secretary?
What does that mean, Your Honor?

Well, she...

Well, she works here.

She gets a salary, and she
kind of lives in my house.

Oh, does that mean you gets
bed and board, ma'am?

Extremely.

Mighty pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Well, I'm mighty pleased
to meet you too,

Mr. Yokum.

Mighty purty fur, ma'am.
Did you shoot it?

No, I kind of trapped it.

Did you use any special bait?

Just inhaling and exhaling.

Yes, she's a very healthy girl.

Yokum, my boy, it's time you and I
had a little business talk.

Now, I'm offering you a million dollars
in cash for the rights to your drug.

But I already told the president...

- President? What president?
- President of the United States.

Oh, that president.

Yokum, I don't think you comprehend
what this elixir of yours can do.

It stopped them from bombing my
hometown, and that's all I cares about.

Idealistic nonsense.

Yokum,

I have access to top-secret
government reports,

and so far, the tests
show this drug of yours

exceeds the most fantastic
discoveries of science.

- Is that good?
- Good?

Why, it'll give every male
a perfect physique.

Makes fat men thin, thin men fat.
Takes hair from where you don't want,

puts it where it counts. Broadens
your shoulders, narrows your hips.

Builds up your corpuscles,
lowers blood pressure.

Wakes you up in the morning,
puts you to sleep at night.

It softens your beard, toughens
your skin, and what is more,

it cleans your teeth
and leaves your breath alone.

Sure got good manners, don't it?

Yokum, say the word, and we're
ready to go into production.

We'll bottle it.

- We'll name it after you.
- Me?

We'll call it Yoka-Cola.

Yoka-Cola.

Son, we'll make billions,
and for a starter,

here's my check
for a million dollars.

Well, thanks, general.

But if you don't mind, as
a 100-percent red-blooded American,

I'd rather give it
to the United States government.

- Government?
- Yes, sir. Now if you'll excuse me,

I gotta catch my bus home. They're
running Sadie Hawkins Day tomorrow,

and this year I just can't miss it.
I guess you knows why, Mr. Senator.

Well, bye, Mr. General,
Miss Executive, senator.

But, my boy, you can't
walk out on a million dollars.

- Why not?
- Well, because--

Well, it just isn't thrifty.

Well, maybe so, general,

but I've always been
kind of sporty with money.

Bye, y'all.

- Oh, Mr. Yokum.
- Yes'm?

- I do wish you'd stay.
- Well, I have to catch a bus.

- I'm sure you'd find it amusing.
- It's--

I could show you around the city,

or maybe we could even go to
the country and do a little hunting.

Well, I have a Sadie Hawk--

Could we hunt skunk?

You do your skunk hunting
in Dogpatch.

Howdy do, ma'am?

Oh, general,
you better fire that chauffer.

How do you like that?

Well, I'm not through. Not yet.

There's a billion dollars in that drug,
and I'm not selling short.

Not by all the barest bulls of all
the bears and bulls on Broad Street.

Phogbound, what's
this Sadie Hawkins Day?

Oh, a monstrous Dogpatch custom,

wherein the gals chases the men and
marries whomsoever they catches.

Can an outsider enter?

Sure can.

Then we got him.
We go to Dogpatch.

Appassionata enters
the Sadie Hawkins Day Race.

She runs the race, she catches Abner
Yokum, she marries Abner Yokum.

And by community property,
she owns half of everything he owns.

Specifically, Yokumberry Tonic.

Then, if some unfortunate accident
should befall the poor fool,

you, his young widow, would be
the sole possessor of the entire drug.

But, Bullsie,
what if I don't catch him?

I never run anymore.

You'll run this time, or you'll
be back wiping windshields

at the five-minute car wash.

But, Bullsie!

Don't "Bullsie"� me. Pack your things,
Appassionata. We're heading south.

We'll show these hillbillies
what's what. Right, boys?

Right!

He makes the rules
And he intends to keep it thataway

What's good for General Bullmoose
Is good for the U.S.A.

He finished up
Like he begun it

He went to Washington
To win a fight and won it

Li'l Abner seen his duty
And he done it

And he's necessary now

Abner Yokum, we want you to know
that we are all very proud of you.

We wanna thank you
for saving our town.

It weren't hardly nothing.

Hey, how's our guinea-pig husbands
doing up there in Washington?

Just fine. They're all turning into
handsome, good-looking men.

Good-looking as you Abner?

Purty close.

Well, tell us about Washington, son.

Is it run by a bunch of crooks?

No, sir, Pappy.
And Washington's a right purty town.

Why, everything's made
out of big old white marble,

and you can't hardly spit without you
hitting a national shrine. Right, Sam?

I ought to know because I let go
a chaw of tobacco in a strong wind.

It ricocheted around the Washington
Monument, flew past Abe Lincoln

and come to rest
on Jefferson's dome.

Thank heaven it didn't hit
none of the Confederacy.

Sam got a $5 fine.

They got a law up there says
you can't deface a national shrine.

Well, never mind about defacing
no national shrine, son.

Tell us about the government.
All them crooks.

Well, there ain't no crooks up there,
Pappy. Far as I could see,

there's a very nice mess of people.
And I can tell you all this much,

the country's doing just fine.
Right, Sam?

You are so right, boy.

Them city folks and we'uns
Are purty much alike

Though they ain't used
To living in the sticks

We don't like stone or cement

But we is in agreement

When we gets down
To talking politics

The country's in
The very best of hands

The best of hands

The best of hands

The Treasury says the national debt
Is climbing to the sky

And government expenditures
Have never been so high

It makes a feller get a gleam
Of pride within his eye

To see how our economy expands

The country's
In the very best of hands

The country's
In the very best of hands

The best of hands

The best of hands

The farm bill should be 89 percent
Of parity

Another feller recommends
It should be 93

But 80, 95 percent
Who cares about degree?

It's parity that no one understands

The country's
In the very best of hands

Us voters is connected to the nominee

The nominee's connected
To the Treasury

When he ain't connected
To the Treasury

He sits around on his thighbone

They sits around
In this place they got

This big congressional parking lot

Just sits around
On their you know what

Up there they calls it
Their thighbones

Them bones, them bones
Gonna rise again

Gonna exercise a friend
Tries again

Gonna tax us up to our eyes again

When they gets up
Off of their thighbones

The country's
In the very best of hands

The best of hands

The best of hands

Them GOPs and Democrats
Each hates the other one

They's always criticizing
How the country should be run

But neither tells the public
What the other's gone and done

As long as no one knows
Where no one stands

The country's
In the very best of hands

The money that they taxes us
That's known as revenues

They compounds up collateral
Subtracts the residues

Don't worry about the principal
And interest that accrues

They're shipping all that stuff
To foreign lands

The country's
In the very best of hands

Abner, we's very happy to have you
back for Sadie Hawkins Day.

Now, I'd like to remind all the rest
of you folks, the race starts at 2:00.

So if you got any readying up to do,
you'd better get to doing it.

Ladies. Ladies.

Get your Sadie Hawkins Day
specials right here.

Ropes, bear traps, running shoes.

Get your cotton-picking
hands off that.

Ladies, ladies. Get your
Sadie Hawkins Day special...

Mammy, how come Daisy
didn't come down to meet me?

Maybe she don't want
no part of you, son.

Then again, maybe she does.

- Hi, Daisy.
- Hi, Abner.

- Welcome home.
- I sure missed you, Daisy.

Sure missed you too, Abner.

I'm sure glad I...

...got back in time for
the race this afternoon.

Sure you still want to go
through with it, Abner?

Well, sure I'm...

...sure.

Well, has you figured out how
I'm gonna catch you, I mean,

so it won't be too embarrassing
to your masculine pride

and then so we both knows
what we's doing?

- Well, not exactly.
- I has.

- You has?
- Yes, I has.

Now, just close your attractive eyes
and see if you can't visualize it.

There we is at the starting line.

The mayor shoots off his gun,
and you takes off

with your usual burst
of brilliant speed.

- Naturally.
- I hightails it right after you.

- I sees it.
- You heads out for Repulsive Rock.

- I got you.
- Now, I takes the shortcut

- over Hog Fat Boulevard.
- I likes it.

You sees me coming, so you ducks
down through Sow Belly Lane.

- I ducks.
- Now I'm gaining on you, and we's

- heading for the Promised Land.
- Goose Grease Gulch.

- Right.
- I sees it now. As my feet starts

slipping on them goose feathers,
you starts gaining,

a couple feet behind.
You reaches out your hand.

You spread your fingers to grab me.

- I'm grabbing. Yes.
- And then-- And then--

- I'm sorry, Daisy.
- What happened?

I puts on a brilliant burst of speed
and dashes out of sight.

You means you still ain't
gonna let me catch you?

Well, I don't know, Daisy,
I sure intended to,

but now I just don't know.

Abner Yokum.

But I knows this much, I'm gonna
get in this race this afternoon,

and I'm gonna do my darnedest
to let you catch me.

And I want you to know
that no matter what happens,

I wishes you the best of luck.

Because if anybody
deserves me, you do.

What you got there, Available?
I want one of them bats.

I'm gonna get me a man
with one of those.

That's rope there, Available?

- That's it buy now, pay now.
- I'm gonna get me a bear trap.

I'll give you your change next week.

Available. Oh, Available.

Well, howdy, Daisy Mae.

What is on your scintillating
and well-built little mind?

Available, I was just wondering
if you could fix--

I mean, arrange to make the Sadie
Hawkins Day Race come out right.

- So that you catches Li'l Abner.
- Naturally.

Daisy Mae Scragg, does you realize
what you's asking?

That I betray my neighbor,
sell out my fellow man.

What is there in this whole world
makes you think that I could sink

to such slimy depths of moral
depravity and human degradation?

- Fifty cents.
- Could you make that a dollar?

- Maybe could.
- You has a deal.

Abner will be stopped in
that race today by

the only diabolical device in creation
fully guaranteed to freeze

- a fear-crazed bachelor in full flight.
- Namely?

Stupefyin'...

...Jones.

- Deal?
- Deal.

All right, dearie. Shake.

Not you. Her.

- Remember, I'm depending on you.
- Your money is in the best of hands.

Move it along, honey.

Available. Available. Available.

There's our man now.

- Howdy, Available.
- Howdy, senator.

Available, is you available?

- I's always available.
- Come right on over here

and meet the Honorable
General Bullmoose.

Well, welcome to Dogpatch, general.

I'd say, "What's your pleasure, sir?"

But I see you've done
brought it with you.

Jones, we've got to stop
Abner Yokum dead in his tracks

this afternoon so that Appassionata
here can catch him.

Naturally. And there's
only one man for the job.

A refugee from justice
who's hiding out in these hills.

A man whose name comprises
the three foulest words

in the English language,
namely Evil Eye Fleagle.

Evil Eye Fleagle? What's he like?

Picture the warm friendliness
of a rattlesnake.

Picture 5-foot-4
of menacing manhood.

Picture a hat covering a face
of sinister rapacity.

Picture two eyes peering out
with supernatural powers

of malevolent intent.

Someone call me?

Sashay on over here
and meet the general.

Evil Eye Fleagle at your service.

You actually paralyze
with your eyes?

It is known in paralyzing circles
as Fleagle's Famous

Fabulous "Fracturizing� Whammy.

Can you put that whammy
in Abner Yokum long enough

- for Miss Von Climax to catch him?
- Naturally.

Get the picture.

Sadie Hawkins Day begins.
The gun goes off.

Bachelors running.
Maidens pursuing.

Yokum comes dashing by.
I jumps up and down.

Rotates my eyeballs.

Rears back and lets fly
a triple whammy,

which hits the fleeing Yokum
smack in the back.

- And then?
- His bone marrow freezes.

His pancreas petrifies.

All of his red corpuscles,
white corpuscles

suddenly stand stock-still
and stupidly stare at each other.

Whereupon who dashes up
and claims the body,

but this superbly stacked young lady.

- Is he dead?
- With Yokum, you can't always tell.

- Will you guarantee he'll thaw?
- Absolutely.

Fleagle, you deliver Yokum,
and you've got a job with me for life.

At your service.

I've got confidence in that little fella.

He's the same color as money.

- Holy mackerel there, mayor.
- Heck fire!

All right, you miserable,
fear-crazed bachelors.

When I shoots off this gun,
you will disperse backside

over teakettle in all directions.

When I shoots this gun off
the second time,

this bevy of love-starved,

valentine-believing maidens
will take after you.

Now, there are no rules.
Remember, everything goes.

- Bachelors ready?
- Yeah!

- Maidens ready?
- Yeah!

Sadie Hawkins Day is officially--
Not yet.

Get back in your position, boy.

All right, then, Sadie Hawkins Day
is officially begun.

I pronounces you man and wife.

Washington, D.C.
While the world continues

to await the final outcome
of the tests of the miraculous

Yokumberry Tonic, the hearts
of America have gone out

to Abner Yokum
and Appassionata Von Climax.

In what is to be truly
the marriage of the century.

This spectacular event will take place
at the estate of General Bullmoose

on Tuesday next.

Daisy?

Oh, hello, Sam.

I knows how you feels, Daisy.
I misses him too.

It ain't just missing him, Sam.

All day I's had this
cold, shuddery kind of feeling.

I just knows Li'l Abner's
in some kind of real mortal danger.

What makes you so sure?

I always gets this terrible feeling
when Abner's in trouble.

It's a clutch-and-grabbing
feeling right in here.

You know what I mean, Sam?

Course I do, honey.

But when I gets that feeling
it's either a mite of gas,

the approach of a creditor
or I buttoned the wrong button

on my drawers.

Oh, I'm so miserable, Sam.

Well, if you really feels that Abner's
in mortal trouble,

go see Mammy and have her
conjure up one of her visions.

You know she's got
the mystical power to see

if her boy is in trouble.

I did ask Mammy to conjure.

She's up at the cabin right now
making the preparations.

But I don't know whether she can
conjure all the way up to Washington.

Don't you worry about Mammy.
She'll conjure, all right.

Hi, Daisy.
Hi, Sam.

Wait, wait a minute.
Where y'all going?

We's leaving for Washington
to pick up

our newly beautified husbands.

Yeah, the government
said it was okay.

Oh, wait, and what y'all
carrying there?

We just bought these
from Available Jones.

It's a special happiness-guaranteed

on-your-second-honeymoon
do-it-yourself kit.

Well, let's see what's in them?

A black lace nightie.

Some sweet-smelling perfume.

And that new romantic album,

Music to Scratch Your Back By.

That ought to do the job.

Moonbeam, when you
get up to Washington,

would you tell Li'l Abner hello
for me if you sees him, please?

I sure will, Daisy.

Well, we'd better get on
down to the station

or we'll miss our train.

- Yeah, I think so.
- Bye, Sam.

- Bye, Daisy.
- Bye, Sam.

- See y'all.
- Bye now.

- I can't hardly wait to get there.
- I could just cry.

Everybody's so in love.

Now, now, everything's gonna be
just fine for you.

No, Sam, how could it be?

Well, who'd wanna
marry me now?

I waited around so long
I'm plumb wasted away.

That may be, honey,

but what you got left over
is more than what most folks

- starts out with.
- No, Sam.

I looked in the mirror this morning,

and there's no doubt about it,
my good years is gone.

I guess you're right.
After all, you is pushing 18.

I'm past my prime

What a shame.

And I'm losin' time

Guess the old clock's run down.

- Seventeen last spring
- My, what a wasted life

- Still without a ring
- Would you become my wife?

I'm past my peak

You's an early antique

- Look at this physique
- Just hear the old bones creak

- Where there was a glow
- Ain't there a glow no more?

- Now the wrinkles show
- Where art thou, Romeo?

Who'd think of marrying
An octogenarian?

- An 87-year-old hag
- An 87-year-old hag

When you's in this position
You lose your disposition

- All the time it's nag, nag, nag
- All the time it's nag, nag, nag

Life's like a song

- And the happiest thing
- When you're young and strong

Most every day is spring

- But it's just a crime
- You can't get off the dime

- When you're past your prime
- When you're past your prime

You's past your prime

- Gettin' grumpy and gray
- You's on overtime

Ain't making take-home pay

- Every sun that sets
- All through the day, I frets

- Brings you more regrets
- And larger silhouettes

You's climbed the heights

- I is over the hill
- Of romantic nights

My hand has lost its skill

- Comes the cruel dawn
- I's feelin' pale and drawn

- Lover boy has gone
- Doggone

I ask you who's elated
When you's "Methuselated�

- Like a mummy underground
- Like a mummy underground

When you is antiquated
Boys leave "dejectaquated�

- They prefers you in the round
- They prefers you in the round

Life's just like pie

Huckleberry or peach?

- When you're young and spry
- Heaven's within your reach

- But it's just a crime
- How can it be sublime?

- When you're past your prime
- When you're past your prime

- When you're past your prime
- When you're past your prime

- When you're past your prime
- When you're past your prime

Oh, evil spirits of another world.

Oh, half god, gather the sights
and sounds of the supernatural.

Pansy Yokum craves
your indulgence

while I conjures up a vision
of my boy in Washington, D.C.

Beaks of owls and reptiles' gizzards
Claws of bats and toes of lizards

Eels and snakes and other vipers
Also bugs on windshield wipers

Caldron hiss and caldron bubble
Tell me if my boy's in trouble

- Hello.
- Oh, hello, general.

- This is Dr. Schlifit speaking.
- Yes, doctor.

Disastrous news, general.
For international reasons,

the government has ordered that
the Yokumberry tests be completed

- by tomorrow midnight.
- Tomorrow midnight?

- Yes, sir.
- That means I've gotta move fast.

Stay where you are, doctor,
you'll hear from me.

How do you like that?

They've moved up the deadline on
those tests to tomorrow midnight.

- No.
- That means that Yokum

will be giving his drug to
the government before

- he's married to Appassionata.
- I'll be dogged.

Well, by Simmons' mattress
and all his springs,

- I'm not taking this lying down.
- What will you do, Bullsie?

If I can't get the rights
to Yokumberry Tonic,

I'll at least get Yokum
to tell me the secret formula

so I can make the stuff myself.

And there's only one man for the job.
Press my Evil Eye Fleagle button.

You sent for me, boss?

Now, Fleagle,

I only have until midnight tomorrow
to get a secret formula out of Yokum.

Now, have you got a whammy that can
make a man tell the absolute truth?

Naturally. It's known as
Fleagle's Famous Non-prevaricating

- -Veracitizing- Truth Whammy.
- Good.

Now, what would you like
on that whammy? The truth,

the whole truth, the half-truth
or a little of each?

You've got a whammy that'll make
a man tell half the truth?

Certainly. Among used-car dealers,
it's one of my biggest items.

But, Bullsie, what happens to Yokum
after you get the formula?

We proceed with
Fleagle's original plan.

Right. I gives him my
Suicidal Sports Car Whammy.

He jumps into some handy convertible
and drives himself off the nearest cliff.

- Capital, -veracitize- him at once.
- Okay, who gets him loaded?

Loaded?

This truth whammy only works
when a victim is gassed, pickled,

under the influence of alcohol.

But, Bullsie, you know
Abner doesn't drink.

- Why not?
- He says he's 100-percent

red-blooded American, and no
100-percent red-blooded American

drinks, smokes,
tells naughty jokes,

necks, pets or smooches.

Then who gave this country
a population of 160 million?

Some oversexed subversives.

There must be some way to get
that boy to take a drink.

What about the society party
you're giving us tomorrow night?

Oh, we've got him.

No 100-percent red-blooded American
would dare refuse to drink a toast

to his prospective bride.
Champagne all right?

- Champagne's perfect.
- Good, then proceed as planned.

- Right, boys?
- Right.

He calls the shots and he expects
To keep it thataway

What's good for General Bullmoose
Is good for the U.S.A.

Oh, my boy. Oh, my boy,
my boy, my boy.

- My poor baby boy.
- What did you see happen?

- Oh, my sweet baby boy.
- Oh, Mammy, what did you see?

Oh, you was right, child,
you was right.

He is in terrible mortal danger.

- They means to kill him.
- Who does?

General Bullmoose.
I seen the whole miserable plan.

They means to nuptialize him,
veracitize him, "suicize" him.

- Suicize him?
- We've gotta do something.

- We gotta act fast.
- We gotta get up to Washington.

- Daisy, I desires words with you.
- Hush up, Earthquake.

- I loves you, gal.
- Not now, Earthquake.

They must be some way
we can get help.

How we ever gonna
defeat a strong force

like General Bullmoose?

We don't have any power.

That's right.
Nobody's strong enough to--

Earthquake.

Li'l Abner's in terrible trouble
up to Washington,

maybe get killed
if we don't help him.

Yeah, that's a crying shame.

Now, Daisy, honey, if you marry me,

- I'll do anything for you.
- All right, Earthquake, I will.

You will?

- Daisy!
- What you saying?

- On one condition.
- What's that?

That you comes up to Washington
and you uses your brute strength

to help save Li'l Abner's life.

And if I does, you solemn promises
to give yourself to me?

I solemn promises
to give myself to you.

- Body and soul?
- Body and soul.

One at a time or both together?

You takes your pick.

Lady, you just got yourself
a passport to ecstasy.

Not now, Earthquake.
We ain't got time.

We're gonna need help.

You get those ornery Scraggs
and anybody else that can scrap.

Tell them to bring
their socializing clothes.

- A soup and fish?
- That's right because we's heading

for high-society country, and when
we gets there, there ain't gonna be

anybody soupier
or fishier than we is.

- Come on, Pappy.
- Come on, Mammy.

Abner?

Daisy. What you doing here?

I sneaked in, Abner.
I had to come to warn you,

warn you to run away for your life.

- What are you talking about?
- You're in terrible mortal danger.

You daren't marry Miss Appassionata.

Daisy, how can you say
such a terrible thing?

You knows we lives
by the code of the hills,

and she won me fair and square.

- But--
- Besides, Miss Appassionata

has been planning to marry me,

and I ain't about to break
no more hearts than I already has.

- But they's aiming to kill you.
- Who is?

That General Bullmoose
and your precious intended.

Daisy, how can you say
such a terrible thing?

It's true. They aims to nuptialize you,
veracitize you and suicize you.

Daisy, I's starting to get angry.

You's making this up out of your
head because you're a poor gal

who's still miserably in love with me.

For which I can't blame you, because
I could see how it could happen.

Oh, Abner Yokum,
you run for your life.

Daisy, you go on home
and forget all about me.

- No, Abner.
- Get out of here. That's an order.

- No, Abner.
- Get, I has spoken.

May I?

Now me.

There he is.

Stop! Stop or there'll be bloodshed.

- How about that.
- Now, all of you, out.

Don't hurt them, they're my kinfolk.

Mammy and Pappy,
you shouldn't ought have done this.

After all, I give my word.

Start moving.

Earthquake, do something.

That's right, Earthquake, do something,
do something like you promised.

You and your big mouth
back in Dogpatch.

- Now, all of you, out.
- Just a minute, everybody, wait up.

General Bullmoose, sir, we sorry
we caused this disturbance,

but we was under
the impression you aim to harm

our good friend Abner,
who we loves and adores.

- Preposterous.
- But we was wrong,

so we'll go, and quietlike.

Why, you miserable, double-crossing--

Snake in the grass.

- Earthquake, you's a gentleman.
- Thank you, Abner.

But I'd sure like us all to part friends,
so I'm asking you, Brother Bullmoose,

to let us all join you in drinking
a toast to Abner

- and the future Mrs. Yokum.
- You no-good, miserable--

Well, I'm not one to harbor a grudge.

Waiter, champagne.

I told you he was real friendly-like.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a toast to the lovely young bride-to-be.

May the flower
of her sweet innocence

burst into blossom and bring joy
to this fine young man.

I give you that sterling example
of red-blooded American manhood,

Abner Yokum.

There you is, a ricochet truth
-whammified- Mr. Bullmoose.

Earthquake, you lovable rat,
we got him.

Now he's got to tell the truth.

Mr. Policeman, just you listen.

General Bullmoose,
is you or is you not

a no-good, dirty, double-crossing,
finagling crook?

Would you repeat the question?

Is you or is you not a no-good,
dirty, double-crossing,

- finagling crook?
- Yes, madam, I am.

And just what did you intend doing
with Abner Yokum?

Subject him to Evil Eye Fleagle's
truth whammy.

- So he'd tell you...
- The secret formula

- of Yokumberry Tonic.
- Then you intended to...

Further use the nefarious E.E. Fleagle.

The purpose being...

Put a suicidal whammy
on the gullible Yokum.

Then the poor fool would...

- Jump in my fastest sports car.
- And subsequently...

Drive himself over the nearest cliff.

- Making it appear like...
- Accidental death.

When for real and true, it was...

Cold-blooded, premeditated murder.

There you has it,
a confessed murderer.

Take him away.

But, Bullsie.

Bullsie!

Attention, everyone.

All residents of Dogpatch are hereby
ordered to return home immediately

- and resume their orderly evacuation.
- Evacuation?

Are you crazy, man?

The evacuation and the bombing
will be concluded tomorrow.

But, Mr. Army-Man,
what about our Yokumberry Tonic?

I'm sorry, the tests have been
declared a total failure.

Now, attention.

All you women whose husbands
have been used as guinea pigs,

a special bus will take you
to the laboratory immediately.

And, Yokum, I'm afraid you'll have to

- come along with them.
- Yes, sir.

What about
our newly beautified husbands?

- Is they all right?
- You'll find out at the laboratory.

This way, Yokum.

Wait a minute.
I earned you fair and square.

You coming with me.

Please, Earthquake, not till I find out
what happens to Li'l Abner.

Please, Earthquake, dear.

But remember, you mine now.
Forever and forever.

Yes, Earthquake. Forever and forever.

Where's our husbands?

- What's gone wrong?
- Is they in trouble?

Is they hurt?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, quiet, please.

In one moment,
you will see for yourselves.

Just step over here.

All right, let the subjects enter.

Is they our husbands?

They is beautiful.

Look at all them muscles.

They's gorgeous.

They ain't nothing wrong with them.

That I'd like fixed.

Madam, would you embrace
your husband?

Oh, boy, would I!

Zeke.

Zeke.

Zeke, Zeke, it's me.

Zeke!

Ladies, will the rest of you
embrace your husbands?

Luke.

Clem.

Hey, Rufe.

Cy.

Hey, what's wrong with them?

They don't care about us no more?

Ladies, I'm afraid these tests
have tragically demonstrated

that while Yokumberry Tonic
will make men physically perfect,

eternally youthful
and incredibly attractive,

they unfortunately lose
all romantic interest.

Good gosh, they's all
become Li'l Abners.

Precisely.

- What's we gonna do now?
- It's inhuman.

You can't leave them like that.

You just can't!

Put them back

The way they was

Oh, put them back
The way they was

They was dumb
They was heathen

But at least they was breathin'

So whatever else you've done

Put them back the way they was

- Put them back
- Put them back

- The way they was
- The way they was

Oh, put them back the way they was

They was plumb unattractive
But by gum, they was active

So I beg you kindly because

Put them back the way they was

Put them back
The way they was

Oh, put them back the way they was

They was not known for beauty

But they sure done their duty

And the made the boudoir buzz

Put them back the way they was

They was long, lean and lanky

But they loved hanky-panky

That's a pastime we prefers

Put them back the way they was

They was vile-lookin' varmints
Wearing vile-lookin' garments

But they knowed a his from hers

Put them back the way they was

- Put them back
- Put them back

- The way they was
- The way they was

Oh, put them back the way they was

They was no shakes as lovers

But they warmed up the covers
Covered as they was with fuzz

Put them back

The way they was

Attention, ladies.

There's a bus waiting outside
to take you back to Dogpatch.

But, Mr. Army-Man,
what is we gonna do?

Return to Dogpatch
and proceed with the evacuation.

But what about our husbands?

They must remain here.
Now, please move along.

- You can't leave them like that.
- Please, ladies.

I love my husband.

Move along, now. Move along, ladies.

I'm afraid you folks will
have to come along too.

We'll move along directly.

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,
I wouldn't have believed it.

Mr. Scientist, is they the way they is
and Abner the way he is

because he's been taking
Yokumberry Tonic all his life?

Regretfully true, Miss Scragg.

Oh, that no-good, miserable tree.

The bus is waiting.

Do they all go?

All except these men
and Mr. Yokum.

We'll need you for further study.

Yes, sir.

All right, men.

Out this way, please.

Come along, folks.

Well, Daisy, I guess this is
goodbye for a while.

It's goodbye forever, Abner.

Forever? Why?

Because I promised Earthquake
that if he'd come up to Washington

and use his brute strength
to help save your life

that him and me would get married.
Well, he did, and we's gonna.

Earthquake?

Could I have one moment
alone with Daisy?

- Before she leaves?
- Well...

Please, Earthquake.

No messing around.

No messing around.

Oh, Abner, I'm so miserable
I could die.

I knows how you feels, Daisy,
but we lives by the code of the hills,