Original subtitles

Salut, c'est Eli Laissez un message

Eh c'est Tom, encore Appel moi

-

-

Hi. I'm Eli Wyckoff. I'm here for my test results.

You're about an hour early.

Why don't you get yourself some coffee?

I'm going to wait, if that's okay.

Okay.

Is this your first time?

My first?

No, no.

I have this habit of getting tested after every boy-

guy that I ever...

There's only been three in the past few...

This is the third, so it's not really a habit.

- Yet. - Uh-huh.

Oh, no. It's not even a chance that I have- you know?

I know the dangers.

I do the police blotter for the Hollywood News,

so, me and danger are like this.

So why are you here?

Uh-huh.

Did you suck his dick?

Then you better come in.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Tom, and I'm an alcoholic.

Group: Hi, Tom.

I'm 1 0 days away from my thirty-day chip.

Anyway...

both my parents are drunks.

I still don't feel like I belong here.

I go to flea markets.

I vote.

Even for, like, school board

and Prop whatever.

I teach special ed, for Christ's sake.

I'm not like a Hollywood has-been

crouched in an airport bathroom sucking on a can of Final Net.

So, why am I here?

The truth?

The truth is I met a guy.

And if I had to pick... a trigger,

I'd say it was all over this guy.

But, whatever, who cares how it happened?

Bottom line is I'm here.

I quit drinking and guys because

I can't be trusted with either.

Thanks.

Nice going.

I'll get it right one of these times.

Sounded right to me.

It was like you were telling my story.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I shared first, I get the book's rights.

That's fair.

Tell me about the guy.

I don't want to keep you from-

What? From what?

The important things in life like stapling or filing?

Oh, please! I couldn't be more bored.

This thing with that guy, you seem okay with it.

Only to the sight- and-hearing impaired.

Pull up your chair, honey.

- This one? - Yeah.

So, you and your boyfriend, you broke up.

Not a boyfriend, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know, but things just got too... "too."

I choked, I'm an alcoholic.

You do the math.

We met on a blind date which sucked.

We became friends,

and now we don't speak to each other.

So it's a happy ending.

How did we meet?

It started with a phone call from my best friend, Jackie.

John? Pick up.

Pick up, pick up, pick up...

Damn it! Where are you?

I'm at a pay phone

because I can't get my shitty cell phone to work

unless I stand on my head with my fingers up my ass.

Anyway...

what are you doing Friday night?

Cause I met this guy, Bret,

at a furniture store on Montana,

and he showed me this great loveseat to die for.

I think I can get it wholesale.

There's just one catch...

Any luck?

Oh! With...?

I thought you were looking for change

under the cushions.

Oh, God!

You saw me?

Yeah, the whole routine.

Great. Now I'm thoroughly mortified.

You're fine, don't worry about it.

I know. Now it's your turn to do something humiliating.

I work in a furniture store. Those bases are covered.

What's humiliating about an employee discount?

Does that apply to this wheely-carty thing?

'Cause this is yummy.

A, I get 1 0% off of this crap.

And, B, I don't know if the whole

Clockwork Orange cum Ikea thing is really your scene.

Quite a salesman.

I don't know what half this shit is.

Okay, great!

You know, my heart does beat fast for this loveseat.

You're kidding?

Why? Do you hate it?

No. It's the only thing in the store that's mine.

Yours?

One of my designs.

Oh, you're a designer?

Yeah. This is one of my first projects.

I love it.

Thank you.

What is the color? Sort of a yellow-beige-yellow?

Buttercup.

Buttercup?

Buttercup.

I'm not gay, just because I said buttercup.

I have this argument with Eli all the time.

Just because I say "buttercup," doesn't mean I'm gay,

or used to be gay, or want to be gay.

I'm not gay, just very particular about

the nomenclature I use regarding my palette.

Who's Eli? The boyfriend?

Right.

No, he's my best friend...

who happens to be gay.

- You know what I think? - What?

I think you're one of those guys who flirts with a girl,

maybe even takes her to dinner, but when push comes to shove,

the only frenching you'll be doing with her are her braids.

Wow! That's pretty sassy!

So you've been braided a lot lately?

No! I know gay men,

- I practically invented them. - Okay.

There's no such thing as a straight guy

with a gay best friend he's not fucking.

Don't give me that look.

My friend, Tom, who is single, if you're interested,

he's the first to agree.

Right. Okay.

Thanks for the tip, but I'm not particularly interested in Tom.

Unless, of course, he has your eyes.

So, there's actually a chance that he didn't hate my guts

and I could be having his children on that

kick-ass buttercup loveseat. Which is where you come in.

It was, like, great!

Next she'll ask me to blow some guy from "3 Day Blinds."

In the movies, when a guy's in the supermarket

and he accidentally bumps shopping carts

- with the love of his life? - Uh-huh.

The last few times I've bumped carts with anyone

they looked to be fresh off the special bus.

That is why I let my friends fix me up.

- ( beep ) - Eli, are you there? Buddy?

That's right. There's an X-Files marathon on.

I cannot believe I'm friends with a trekkie, it's pathetic.

I am not a trekkie! You got that?

I just like the X-Files.

I believe the truth is out there, don't you?

Whatever, I fully hooked you up.

You have a date on Friday night.

Wait a minute! What?

That's right. Your losing streak is over, my man.

He's a tall stud, a big guy.

Okay, you always say that. It's like entry-level.

It means he's got nipples.

Maybe that'd be a step up.

Ha ha, that's funny.

His friend, Jackie, came into the store,

I completely hit it off.

Yikes! Let me tell you, she's got unbelievable KB.

What is that, killer butt?

No, killer boobs.

She told me about her friend, Tom,

sounds like a nice guy.

I lied and said you were a great guy. I told her about you.

That's real nice.

Now you two have to go out Friday.

Wait a minute! Says who?

Can I call you back?

I'm at my loser gay friend's place.

Funny.

It didn't go so well last time with... Richard, was it?

Rita, from UPS! She was a woman!

Whatever! She's still gay!

That's your problem, you're so picky.

You, yourself, said she had KB.

Killer boobs?

No, butt.

The whole initial thing has got to stop.

And, PS, I never said KB, I said KGB.

Killer garlic breath.

Bottom line, I made a reservation for you, for Tom,

Friday night, Annette's, 8:00, be there, be square.

I hate it when people say that

'cause even when I'm there, I'm square, so where's the incentive?

He's a teacher, sounds like a great guy.

Maybe you'll get lucky, have to stay after class.

Detention? You'd like that.

- That's really funny. - Discipline, gravity boots...

Of course, you went.

Yup, I went.

( upbeat music playing )

- She landed on my roof, -

- Mad love from Venus -

- Her ship ran out of gas, -

- Fast as lightning, love came between us -

- Fashion girl from outer space, -

- Chorus: I'll never do you wrong. -

- Future love! -

- That's right, that's right, that's right -

- Making future love tonight -

- That's right, that's right, that's right -

- Making future love tonight -

- It's all right if I love you -

- It's all right if I don't -

- I'm not afraid that you're running away -

- 'Cause I got the feeling honey that you won't -

- Super sonic safety valve, -

- Chorus: I'll never do you wrong -

- That's right, that's right, making future love tonight -

- That's right, that's right. -

Eli: I didn't have high hopes for this date.

Receptionist: You didn't have anything to lose.

Eli: I know. Honestly, all I kept thinking was,

"I hope he doesn't smoke."

I'm going to get another drink. Do you want something?

Yes, I'd like another seltzer with lime.

- Seltzer with lime. - Make it a wine spritzer.

Spritzer. Got it.

On second thought, can I get a Seven and Seven?

Rocks with a twist.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I always get a Seven and Seven.

Hi, we're going to have-

Absolut martini up, two olives, make it a little dirty.

You?

Do you like movies?

Yeah, I like movies.

Yeah, me too.

I think it was gay night on cable last night.

"In and Out" was on again.

Uh-huh.

I thought it was great to see a movie like that with two guys.

Not with two guys... two guys who... you know, in the movie-

I hated it.

Oh, yeah, me too.

I thought it was light, fun.

- Fun? - Yeah.

Fun to see Kevin Kline get on his sorry-ass middle-aged knees

and give us a big old Hollywood blowjob by catering to

every clich�ed homophobic stereotypical idea of

what it means to be gay?

Without having the decency or the courtesy,

or even just the balls to drop a little trou

and show us his.

Wait a minute, come on!

I thought it was nice to see a guy coming out to his family,

his friends, not to mention his fianc�e.

His fianc�e? This loser bitch has been waiting her whole life

to marry this Nellie barber loving, self-hating,

geriatric English teacher who can't get it up for her,

and we're supposed to feel sorry for her?

Aw. No fucking way!

I mean, you do the math.

Where's the waiter with my drink?

You want anything?

I'm not even going to mention "Bird Cage."

- Can I get a diet coke? - Sure.

All right. What was your favorite movie of all time?

Let's just start with that.

I'm not a big fan of the "favorites" game,

so why don't you go first?

Oh. Okay.

I know it sounds corny and clich�, but I have to say

"Gone with the Wind."

I never saw it.

Yeah, right.

I didn't. I never saw "Gone with the Wind."

You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

Come on!

- I never saw the movie. - You never saw the movie?

No, I never-

Okay, fine.

Want me to say I saw the movie?

I will. I saw the movie.

It was the best movie I've ever seen.

Especially that part where Red Buttons is up on a hill

with Charlotte?

Oh my God, you are scaring me.

What do you want me say?

I'm not a big fan of black and white movies.

Relax, relax.

I saw "Family" 1 5 times. Does that help?

It's a start.

KE.

- What? - What?

What did you just say?

Nothing.

You said something.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. You said "K," what is that?

It's nothing. It's nothing.

It's stupid.

It's initial talk.

Bret and I have done it for years.

It's stupid. It means nothing. Trust me.

So I just took a hit.

No, you didn't.

Tom, believe me. I swear to you.

Oh, damn it.

It means...

killer eyes, okay?

I'm gonna go, it's late, and uh...

Yeah, let's you and I go on our way- ways.

On our ways, separate, you and me.

- Here, let's split it. - No, I got it.

- No, let's split it. - No, I want to do this.

- Please. - Let me pay.

- Let me just split it. - Let me do this.

- Let me pay for my own. - Just go!

Going.

He hated me.

It was like I activated his gag reflex.

That is the last time I let you fix me up, you got that?

Next date I go on will cost me $2 for the 1 st minute

and $1 .50 each additional minutes.

Did he mention me and Jackie?

What? No. It didn't come up.

Are you sure the guy was even gay?

Are you kidding?

I don't know, with you...

How many straight guys pretend their gay?

- Besides you? - Hello!

He didn't mention me?

You want eggs? I'll add another.

Are there eggs?

- Yeah! - Relax.

You're becoming crazy.

You've been whipping for 20 minutes.

Your mother told me you would be like this.

My mom called you again?

What did you tell her?

She's concerned about you.

You never talk to the woman.

She thinks you're becoming a big loser.

That's nice, that's great.

Thanks, thanks for that.

It's easy for her to say. I know what's out there.

Guys with bad hair plugs,

staples in their dicks,

Beanie Baby collections or worse.

- Worse? - Oh, there's worse.

Come on, it'll be so much better next time.

There won't be a next time.

Unless his name is Ben, Jerry, or Jose Cuervo.

Uh-huh. Like you haven't all ready had those guys.

And their brothers.

Haven't you ever wondered what it's like

to be with the same guy for more than five minutes?

The guys I meet, five minutes is all it takes.

Charming.

More importantly...

what did Eli say about me?

Is it going to happen with Bret?

I've no idea. He didn't mention it.

Oh.

Like I care.

Maybe I should call Bret and find out

what Eli said about your date.

I couldn't care less.

Right. Right.

We officially don't care.

I get it. Yeah.

I definitely am not going to call.

Where're you going?

Home, to officially not call.

No, no, no. You were supposed to stay here and watch

Lifetime Television for women and gay men.

Uh, no.

It's Joan Van Arc and not without my nose job.

Oh, angel, I've all ready lived that movie.

That shit people say about finding the one?

I'm sick of it.

Tom certainly isn't.

I don't think I'll ever meet the one.

Your whole problem is

there is no such thing as "the one."

You're such a liar.

Two seconds ago you told me this girl Jackie is the one.

I met her one time.

She could be the one. Or one of the ones.

There's notjust one one.

There's fractions of one, half ones, quarter ones.

The idea is to make yourself open to someone.

Perhaps Tom is a one.

Are you going to the flea market with me tomorrow?

No, sweetie. By tomorrow, I'm hoping to have plans with a man

who'll appreciate me for my body,

notjust my brains and wit and sense of style.

So, Dad's in town.

You're disgusting.

Why don't you take a date to the flea market?

Ugh!

That is why you never go steady.

I haven't gone steady since the seventh grade.

You do the math.

Besides, he kept saying, "You do the math,"

even if it made no sense.

What a turn off!

What's a turn on?

Per your mother, you haven't had a hard-on

since you saw the Nutcracker

at the Jewish Community Center in the first grade.

- You talk about my sex life? - What sex life?

- I have one! - Uh-huh.

- It counts. - Right.

I spent 1 0 years learning which buttons to push,

now I just look at myself and I come.

( music playing )

- Everybody's looking for something -

- Step right up and tell 'em what it's all about -

- Don't you worry 'bout nothin' -

- If you see what you like -

- I'm sure we'll work it out -

- I'll come and see you on Sundays -

- Eastside, westside, uptown or down -

- And all your problems will disappear -

- When you lay your money down -

- Let's make a deal, man. -

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm good. How are you?

Yeah, good.

You look good.

God, thanks.

No, no, really.

So, you were lying the first time?

What?

No, you've got that fresh

Sunday-morning-read-the-paper- cup-of-coffee look.

Here I thought I had that stale

Sunday morning-hangover-choke- on-my-own-vomit thing going.

What are you here for?

Looking for anything in particular?

Yeah. I'm looking for a vintage martini set.

The shaker and the glasses. The whole thing.

How about you? You just browsing?

Me? Are you kidding?

I'd go nuts.

I have to look for one thing and just one thing.

And that would be what?

A bathroom, actually.

I bet they don't have bathrooms.

Probablyjust porta-potties. God, I hate those.

My parents rented four of them

for my sister's bat mitzvah.

You didn't come here for a bathroom.

I didn't?

Okay.

I'm looking for an original Cornelius action figure.

You know, from "Planet of the Apes"?

You're yanking my chain, right?

Actually, no I'm not.

And I really hate that expression.

Nice seeing you. See you around.

No, no don't.

Come on, have a sense of humor.

You're funny. I'm not laughing at you.

Not funny bad, you're funny good.

Why don't we go grab a cup of coffee,

then I'll help you find your dolly?

Action figure!

Is itjust the apes, or do you have Betsy Wetsy too?

Jackie didn't say you collected dolls.

Interesting. Bret didn't tell me you were an asshole.

Speaking of which, what's up with those two?

- Hi. - Hi.

I thought you should know- they hated each other.

Oh... right, more than life itself.

N-no fucking chemistry.

I had the biggest "Planet of the Apes" collection

until the sixth grade when my parents made me sell it

at a garage sale. They were afraid

it was going to adversely affect my psycho-sexual development.

They're both shrinks.

- Know what did it? - What?

Affect your psycho whatever?

I'm gay, aren't I?

So the apes made you gay?

I don't know.

What is that, the ape theory?

You've got a half-naked Charleton Heston in a cage-

Where he belongs.

plus, my huge crush on Roddy McDowall,

and those cute little leather outfits?

That, my friend, is a gay, pre-teen Happy Meal.

- Do you have any martini sets? - I'm afraid not.

I gotta admit, I don't even know what a martini set looks like.

I wouldn't know a martini if it bit me in the ass.

It shouldn't, if you know how to make them.

I take it you do?

In my house, you had to.

I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 1 0,

but I could make a martini.

I was Isaac on our sinking little Love Boat.

Thank you, sweetheart.

This is perfect.

Tell me, have you met any nice girls at school this year?

Yeah, they're nice.

Have you given any thought to what we talked about?

None of the other fifth graders

know what they'll do after high school.

What do I care about a bunch of pansy fifth graders

with silver spoons in their mouths?

I sorta like the idea of teaching. Teaching sounds good.

That's terrific, honey.

( mother chuckling )

I can't remember them without a drink in their hand.

When my father used to pitch baseballs to me in the backyard,

he never spilled a drop.

My God, I can't even imagine.

Your parents didn't drink?

No, we never played games in the backyard.

Never?

First of all, we didn't have a backyard.

And second of all, the closest we ever came to a game was...

the "feel wheel."

Rage is at the top.

Then we move down

to frustration, confusion, loneliness.

On the other side we have loving, affectionate, silly.

Eli, you go first.

Take your name,

and put it on the emotion you're feeling right now.

That's right, Eli. Don't think. Look inside.

- What are you feeling? - Right now, go.

Don't think- go!

Go!

Do I have to, Dr. Wyckoff?

Mother: Can you do it for Mommy?

You'd be walking, thinking,

"Gee, I feel happy," and you'd put your flag on the wheel?

No, no, it was just...

something my parents wanted us to do

so that they would feel more enlightened.

Like getting us to say penis and vagina at the dinner table.

You know, so that we'd feel comfortable talking about sex?

It's probably why now I prefer "pee-pee" and "who-who."

More pee-pee than who-who, I'd imagine.

Does it show?

I don't think that game would have been a hit in my house,

unless there was section on the wheel for thirsty.

There was a section on the wheel for scared...

but you'd have had to share that one with me.

No chance on the Eli and Tom thing?

What a pain. The gays are so picky.

No, it's Eli. He's got the worse D.K. on the planet.

Donna Karan?

No, "dating karma." It sucks.

He told me that, A, he thinks he insulted Tom a hundred times,

and B, that he's straight.

Tom is just a freak.

He officially hates any guy that he likes,

or worse, who likes him.

What, dude?

Welcome to the wonderful world of self-hate.

And he's not even Jewish.

What on God's earth is this?

That's the ugliest thing I've seen in my entire life.

( clattering )

- 'Morning. - 'Morning.

What's the hurry?

Today is decoupage day at school and I'm late.

Okay.

Listen, I just...

want to apologize for yesterday, and last night,

and it shouldn't have happened.

Oh.

I feel we got off to a really good start,

but then I feel like I fucked things up.

So I promise it won't ever happen again.

Good, I-

We shouldn't have.

Anyway, it was both of our faults, so...

No, yeah, so let's pretend it never happened.

Perfect.

Great. I'll see you later.

- Hey. - How you doing?

( modem connecting )

We had a great time. I don't get it.

Looked like you did get it- something called "laid."

FYI, gay guys don't necessarily play the same bases

that straight guys do.

It's still fucking, dude.

Hello, gentlemen.

You don't mind if the brother hangs out, do you?

- I had him fixed. - Do I have a choice?

I don't get the double standard.

Guys can do all kinds of things with women,

but they don't call it sex unless they actually fuck.

Like sex with interns.

I'm notjudging you. It's just sex.

I'm not being defensive,

I'm trying to explain to you that a guy can get together

with another guy and do all kinds of things,

without necessarily... you know.

Right. That's enough.

It's a big step. I know couples who have never,

and probably will never actually...

NT- new topic.

What is with you? You were never this squeamish in college.

That's because you were dating women.

It's the same thing if you don't count the vaginas.

I count them. Four, so far.

Know what, Mitch?

It doesn't count if they have inflate nozzles.

It's not like you picked them up at Ye Old Cock 'N Balls,

and got out the butter spray

and choke collar and the whole thing.

You spent an afternoon together. Obviously he likes you.

Right.

Fuck, these are new.

What's the matter? Are you cranky?

I don't want to do this anymore. That's fine. That's great.

You did a terrific job.

Listen, what are you doing on Friday night?

Are you gonna go out with the guy?

I don't know. Why, did Jackie say something?

I don't know, but if you come on Friday night,

she can tell you herself.

I'm not doing that. That's so seventh grade.

You'll catch up.

- Did she invite Tom? - No, it's just us,

it'll be fine. 7:00 Friday night, all right?

All right. Take this.

Have a Valerian or something. Take a nap.

He's too intense. I like him as a friend, but-

Bullshit.

That is just fear of intimacy, which is so 1991 . Pause.

- Marie? - Yeah?

Put the headphones on. The headphones.

There you go.

Nice, Marie, but I need more smile and less sell.

Have fun.

Great... fun, right. Top notch.

The way you did in the audition, remember?

The reason we hired you?

Right, absolutely. Good note. Really good note.

Great.

"New Vita-Power Energy Bars

with tasty, chewy goodness in every bite."

I'm just glad you met a guy with half a brain in his head.

Let me find the love in that. Oh, right, there is none!

I'm not the one who fell in love with a guy

who could only get a job selling sperm samples

and doing experimental drug research.

Wasn't he allergic?

Yes, but he was cute and you know it.

Yeah, when the hives cleared up.

"...during and after your living and giving life."

Pause.

- Sweetie? - Yeah?

What are you doing? You're not Kathleen Turner, okay?

No, I'm not. I'm not Kathleen Turner. That's right.

I'm me. Is that what you're saying? I should be me?

No, what I'm saying is that this isn't Blue Cross, Blue Shield-

it's an energy snack.

So why don't we have, I don't know... energy?

Energy! Of course! You're right.

Because it's Vita-Power, and "Vita" means life.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

my intention should be to have- to give more life.

Except as a bar.

But Jackie, can I-

my concern is that I'm going to be over the top.

No, honey, you're so under the top right now,

it's like you're selling me a douche.

I'm getting you on the beach in a floral print dress,

talking about feminine freshness.

Is that the read you're going for?

No, that's not. Those were good word pictures.

Just translate them for what I need...

good, yeah, I can do this. I'm just gonna keep going.

You are so mean. You're not even listening to her.

Yes, I am. She thinks she's doing books on tape.

- I think she's good. - Don't change the subject.

Bret and I are cooking dinner on Friday night.

What are you having?

Shut up, you're coming.

Is "he" invited?

No, just you.

Pause.

That's it. Go home.

You want me to go? I should go home?

No, you're incredible.

That voice? Don't even kid yourself-

you're gonna have a huge career.

I thought... thank you. Thanks to you!

Jackie's a piece of work.

Bret's a lying sack of shit.

You look good.

I have no idea.

If it's a sports figure, I'll kill you.

- Julia White! - No, no, no.

Eli Weizel!

You're actually not my partner. Come on! Go go go!

What makes you think I know?

Come on! All right, pass!

This one... fuck! Open!

The ex-football player who allegedly killed his wife.

Oh-oh-oh-oh... "allegedly"? What, are you nuts?

- Just say it! - O.J. Simpson.

Yes!

It's like saying Jackie allegedly got a nose job.

Shut up.

Both of you shut up! The first name rhymes with this.

Could you never, ever do that again?

Just say it!

Time! Time, time, time.

Bret, is it maybe time?

- Who the fuck was that? - I bet it was one of Brad's.

They're so hard, because he's so smart.

Apparently not smart enough to know you had a nose job.

- I told you about that. - No, you didn't.

So what's the diff?

Come on, Bret, like you couldn't tell?

Every Jewish teen-age girl with money winds up with that nose.

Don't you think it's a little bit weird

that everyone on the planet knows but your boyfriend?

Seriously, Eli, who was that?

I was doing the hula, so-

It's a little strange. Right?

They used to call me the jackal.

So I got a nose job. Are you happy now?

I give up, what rhymes with hula?

Jackal? That's brutal.

You're being a jerk.

But I'm being an honestjerk, so that counts for something.

Wait, shh! You hear that?

That's the sound of you not getting laid tonight.

Bret: That's wonderful.

Did you guys hear that?

That was the sound of Jackie being a bitch.

Did you guys hear that?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Jackie: What do you want from me?

How about a little honesty?

The self-pity bus stops right in front of my building.

Don't miss it.

Maybe I'll get on the self-pity bus-

- You do that! - and maybe I'll get a transfer.

Can we get outta here

before they start looking like my parents?

- Fine with me. - Your place?

Yeah, okay-

Was that Tallulah Bankhead?

No, Rula Lenska.

Rula Lenska.

Who the fuck is Rula Lenska?

Guess they made up.

Hope she paid for Scotchgard.

Don't do that. No, not right now.

Eli: Like when people say "excetera" instead of "et cetera."

What is that, "excetera"? It's crazy.

My favorite is "for all intensive purposes."

That's nuts. It's like, "Where did you go to school?"

Are you sure you don't want a sandwich?

I don't know how you could eat that food.

No offense, but Jackie can't cook for shit.

No wonder Brett's losing weight.

Hollywood News. Where's your section?

- No, you don't have to. - Come on.

It's embarrassing.

That's it, right there.

Look at that, "Police Blotter, edited by Eli Wyckoff."

I don't want you to...

"Juan A. Maas, 35, arrested early Sunday for DUI.

Blood alcohol level was 2.1

when suspect was apprehinded' by LAPD."

What?

It says "apprehinded."

No, it doesn't. It's apprehended.

It says apprehinded.

Oh my God! Shit!

To apprehind, that's what...

that's when they grab the guy on the ass?

God damn it, I proofed this like a million times! God!

Relax.

- Do you know what you need? - A newjob.

No, you need a drink.

A drink. A real drink.

Do you have any vodka?

I don't know.

Is this vodka? I've had it since 1947.

Do you have martini glasses?

Those are my martini glasses...

and myjuice glasses and my water glasses.

Never mind, they'll do.

I am going to introduce you to the wonderful world of martinis.

( phone ringing )

No, screen, screen.

- Let me get it. - Let the machine get it.

I bet you can't do it.

I can do it.

I dare you.

All right.

Hi, this is Eli. Leave a message.

I gotta get that piece of shit machine fixed.

Eli, this is Dr. Wyckoff.

There's something wrong with your machine.

- That's your shrink? - My mom.

You refer to her-

It took her 1 2 years to get her Ph.D.

She likes to hear herself say it.

- Now move. - No.

Move, I'm serious. It's not funny.

I was just reading the New England Journal of Medicine

and there's a pullout section on the new TSE-

Testicular Self-Examine. How to make it part of your lifestyle.

- My God. - Do you want to try?

No, come on. Goddamn it!

I faxed a diagram over to your office.

I put your name all over it.

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

Don't listen, don't listen.

...the hues just hit you right in the face.

You may want to give yourself an exam while I read aloud.

I think we should do this exam together.

Let's take a deep breath together.

Start by lifting the penis to one side.

Oh my God!

Slowly roll the testicle between the thumb and fingers,

applying slight pressure.

Hello, Mom, it's me.

Mom: Who?

- Eli? - Eli, are we screening?

Yeah-no, I wasn't actually. We just got in.

Mom: "We"?

What does that mean?

Eli: Can I call you back? Mom: Do we have company?

Yes.

Mom: Jewish?

No, but...

Cute?

Eli: Will you stop? Mom: Wear a condom.

Oh, God, Mom, no, it's not like that.

Mom: You hear about the TSE?

Did you hear what I was talking about?

Yeah, we both did. Thanks.

Maybe you both could do it together then,

nothing wrong with helping each other with a testicular exam.

- Mom. - Don't be shy.

I got to call you later, okay?

Wait a second, honey. Call me tomorrow morning-

Goodbye.

I feel so dirty.

So, why does it matter if I'm Jewish?

You heard that?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I'll be in the bathroom,

hoping to God that I can overdose on Tums or Maalox

or pine scented Glade. I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be. It wasn't that bad.

Eli: Really?

It was funny, actually.

Call Mom for me.

I can not talk to her.

The woman stopped having boundaries

when she stopped wearing a bra.

And the fact that I know that-

I know, it's scary.

Does she pull that shit with you?

Are you kidding?

She wanted me to tape my first time

for her evaluation.

Eli: And?

I'm not telling you.

Did I tell you she sent me this article

about circle jerks and the new safe sex?

Can you believe I thought circle jerks

was a figure skating term?

It is among the male figure skaters.

Will you please call her for me, please?

I can't talk to her.

You can't fight it.

The more you avoid her, the more she's going

to insist on meeting- what's your boyfriend's name?

Tom, and he's not my boyfriend.

Whatever.

I don't know what he is.

What do you want him to be?

It's like...

I just wish I knew,

one way or the other.

Okay, put the bong down, space cowboy.

He's your fucking boyfriend, just like I said.

Tom: Eli!

( music playing )

- When you said to me -

- You are not so old -

- Did I know it then? -

- 'Cause I've just been told -

- I didn't think I'd find you -

- Perfect in so many ways -

- But I've been waiting... -

What's with you and nudity?

Nothing, but that movie was pandering.

It was an art film.

Yeah, the art of guys with six-pack abs

blowing each other every chance they get.

Every gay guy in LA is "run don't walk."

The problem with that is...?

You might as well stay home and watch

"The Hand that Rocks My Ladle."

Or "Pocahoncho."

At least those movies don't pretend to be

what they're not.

You have those? Pop them in.

Oh, God! You're part of the problem.

Let me get this straight,

you think a movie about two guys can't be about love, just sex?

Those guys were in love.

But it was a special kind of love,

The kind of love that required latex.

Oh my God. Never mind.

I can't argue with a guy who never saw

"Gone with the Wind." What is that?

God, would you relax?

You're gonna have an aneurysm.

You are infuriating.

You don't have to-

Do you want me to stop?

No.

You always smell so good.

Okay, there you go.

So Saturday is tennis, right?

Must be an open from Australia, British, Pakistani, right?

Is something wrong?

No, I just want to watch TV.

That's okay, I get it.

Get what?

Same as usual.

The whole come-here-go-away routine.

Do you want me to keep massaging you? I will.

But I tell you,

this isn't the way to get me to want to.

Tom, it's actually fine.

You're not attracted to me,

you want to be just friends, I can handle that.

But then stop fucking calling me,

inviting me to see semi-porn on a Saturday afternoon,

then drive me back to my house, and start rubbing my shoulders

and expect me to be like,

"Hey, buddy, thanks a lot, I'll see you around."

What is so wrong with taking things slow?

Why does it always have to be all or nothing with you?

I don't know.

All right, then maybe we should cool it offfor a while.

No, I like you, I do.

Thank you.

I want to have a good time.

I don't want this intense thing.

And you seem to want this...

I don't know, what do you want?

Eggs, actually.

Whatever.

Remember cooties?

Don't touch the losers or you get cooties?

And who were the losers?

Easy.

Anybody with a hard-boiled egg in their lunch bag.

I don't think Tom liked what I had in my lunch bag.

Eli, let it out.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

Cop out!

Why do you feel the need to beat yourself up?

Why won't you let us into the now?

Why do I feel like I'm in a cheesy 70s EST seminar?

Good, how else do you feel?

Would you like us to bring out the feel wheel?

I would actually like it

if you would just leave me alone for a little while.

Let me in. I'm not going to hurt you,

I'm your friend. What is wrong?

I'm fine, okay?

I don't think so.

It's this guy.

I knew it.

He has this reputation for being sort of easy.

Mm-hmm.

Not with me.

With me, it's hard.

Or not hard, maybe that's the problem.

Oh, Eli, what is this?

I hate this movie.

David, come in here.

You won't believe what they're showing again.

What a piece of shit film, honestly.

- We're supposed to believe- - They showed it last week.

that this woman is going to fall in love with

a middle-aged homophobic self-hating teacher

who's only now discovered he's gay.

- We hated this movie. - I don't think so!

Both: Change the channel!

Fuck you!

Hi.

Hi, Sunny.

Oh, honey, that's so sweet.

Right now the thought offood makes me want to borscht.

Pretty picture to wake up to, huh?

Well, A, I can't imagine waking up to any other picture.

And B...

I don't ever want to have to.

What is this?

Those are capers. I made them on the side.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit!

Do you...

Oh no, no, no.

Of course I'll marry you.

It's just now everybody's going to think

we're doing it because I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Mr. Preggers! Wake up, Mr. Preggers!

We should never have fooled around.

I know, why don't you have some more wine?

What can I say?

He doesn't make me weak in the knees.

Please, that is exactly why you should be with him.

The ones that make you dizzy are only good for a quick fuck.

The rest are marriage material.

Like Bret.

That is exactly what I'm afraid of.

Wait what?

Wow!

Wow, that was fast!

Well, tick-tock, you know?

You're crazy!

I want you to be my man of honor.

There's no such thing.

So. You're my best friend.

I can't imagine anybody else by my side.

And your first duty, as my personal slave,

is to pretend to love it.

Fine, fine.

Jackie: Thanks. I love you.

It's Jackie...

again.

Hello?

Jackie: Where are you?

Call me back, stat.

Message: Hi, this is Tom. Leave a message, or don't.

- ( beep ) - This is the bride-to-be.

I really wouldn't mind

having my best friend around right now,

being that it's the most important time of my life.

But hey, maybe

that's too much to ask for.

- Just to see your face again -

- Just to make you smile -

- Would set me free -

- If I could bring you back -

- That would be the sweetest thing -

- If I could bring you back -

- To me. -

Freeze!

Jack, Jack, pick up, it's me.

Jackie, please pick up.

I met someone...

apparently.

Fuck!

Listen, Jack,

I'm really sorry I haven't returned your calls.

I've been a shit, and...

it's me, it's not you.

Like you don't know that.

Jack, I really need to talk to you.

I'm freaking out here.

Jesus.

This guy has the number eight tattooed on his-

Wait.

Correction, it says "Eighth Wonder."

I really know how to pick them. Jack, please call me back.

Open your eyes and look at me.

No, I don't think I will kiss you.

Although you need kissing badly...

...if the right moment ever came.

You're a conceited black-hearted varmint, Rhett Butler.

I don't know why I let you come see me.

I'll tell you why, Scarlett. The war can't last much longer.

Really, Rhett? Why?

There's a little battle going on right now...

( phone ringing )

Hello?

How've you been?

- Okay. - Good.

Listen...

What?

What I was going to say was

I've been procrastinating about this whole wedding thing.

I haven't gotten a gift for Jackie's shower yet.

I guess I'm in denial.

I'm sure it's not the first time.

Right.

Tom, I never got the email that our cooling off period

was officially over.

And frankly, I'd like to renew my option.

- Ummm... - 'Bye.

- ( phone ringing ) - Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Hi, this is Eli. Leave a message.

It's Tom again. Listen...

Now he's fucking with me. That's great.

...mean we can't buy a baby gift together.

- I hate people like this. - I know.

They play this game. Once you decide to play too,

they don't want to play anymore. What the fuck is that?

I'm starting to think that's all there is out there anymore.

That's wrong.

No, here's what I think. I think who I am, what I've been-

is not working so much anymore.

From now on there's going to be a whole new Eli.

The whole love thing, I don't buy it.

How come it works for me?

You're so full of shit. It doesn't work for you.

You fall in love with a different person each week.

My point exactly.

No, you fall in love with the idea of being in love.

With a married man. To what?

So you can experience the rush of breaking up a family?

Now you fall in love with a deaf guy to learn sign language?

Well, I did.

Honey, this does not constitute sign language.

And then with a woman, just to piss off Mom and Dad.

How much did that backfire?

That's the year they decided to run for co-president of p-flag.

You know what? From now it's going to be one night stands,

casual sex, just a lot of close friends.

You sound pathetic.

No, for the first time in my life,

I think I actually make sense.

Great, glad to help you through the pain. 'Bye-bye.

'Bye. I'll call you later.

Will you tell that other Eli to give me a call? This one sucks.

( phone ringing )

It's that's him, you're not going shopping.

FYI, the only reason I'm here

is because your whole "tires got slashed" story

was so much more believable

than the first 1 3 messages you left me.

I thought I had you with the tickets to X-Files on Ice.

I already saw it.

I always wanted one when I was a kid.

Surprising, huh?

Oh my God, I had so many dolls.

My dad would've killed me.

- Really? - Yeah.

My house was like a free-for-all.

My sister had all these Barbies and Kens,

and my parents made me play with them.

Your parents forced you to play with dolls?

It was just so I could learn the names of all the body parts.

Pick whichever doll you like.

It's your choice. They're all beautiful.

Good. Now switch.

What do you call this?

Vagina!

Yes, vagina. Good, Rayna. Eli?

Vagina.

Vagina.

Now say it like you mean it.

Va-gi-na.

Vagina.

Yes, yes.

I always thought Ken was gay.

He was when I got through with him.

That's another story.

You and Ken together is strangely erotic.

We have been known to do private shows, if you're interested.

Not today.

O-kay.

Hello there, Eli. I'm Fuzzy Wuzzy the bear.

Jackie would love this bear.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair

Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he?

Was he? Was he? Was he...

- was he, was he- - Wuzzy.

Wuzzy! Wuzzy!

That's what I said.

No, you said, "was he." It's Wuzzy.

What's the difference?

You're kidding, right?

You just establish that Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.

Why would you then ask "was he"?

Like a question, like you didn't know if he was fuzzy or not.

It is a question. I am asking if Fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy.

What is so wrong about that?

It is a rhetorical question. There is no answer to it.

It's supposed to be ironic.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... wuzzy?

I don't think it's that obvious

that Fuzzy Wuzzy was or wasn't fuzzy.

It is the point of the whole goddamn thing.

Why are you so uptight?

I'm not.

There always has to be a right way with you

and a wrong way with you.

Is that why you like being with me?

So you can feel like you're right all the time?

What? No.

Is that what you think?

Alls I know is you have this rigid idea of how I should be.

"Alls you know"?

All right, I can't.

Fuck!

This is mine mine mine!

I love this.

Enjoy it now, because in a month or so,

you're going to be ripping at the seams.

( woman laughing )

I'm gonna kill you.

Rachel, could you shut the fuck up?

You're cackling like an idiot.

Liz, grab some bows and help us with the rehearsal bouquet.

Why do you want me to do it?

'Cause you think it's the only time I'll get to hold one?

Liz, what time is therapy, hon'? Do they make house calls?

That's really sweet.

Very supportive. I'm taking my gift back.

I'll make it, I'll make it.

- Thank you, nice person. - Thank you, Tom.

( knocking )

Wait, the door! Get the door!

Is Jackie here?

Woman: Jackie, did you forget to pay some parking tickets?

- Are you Jackie Gold? - I'll be Jackie Gold!

Jackie: I'm gonna kill you guys.

I can't believe you did this.

Jackie, you have been a bad, bad, bad girl, haven't you?

- Oh baby! - ( dance music playing )

Put that thing away.

Jackie: You work that booty!

This is it!

That is going to be amazing.

Enough with the pictures.

No, it's great! Just one more!

- Ring! - Okay.

Forget about it, can we talk about our friend the cop?

Rachel: You mean your future ex-husband?

Tom: So how long have you been doing this?

- Too long. - Yeah?

Woman #1 : Let me ask you this...

how many of these gifts can I take home with me?

Woman #2: You're crazy.

Woman #1 : I wrap beautifully, though.

Woman #2: Don't you think we should share?

You don't even like mine. Can I take it back?

Excuse me one second.

So, you know, I've been kind of bad myself.

You have?

( tires screeching )

- Please forgive me if I act a little strange -

- For I know not what I do... -

( doorbell ringing )

- Feels like lightning running through my veins -

- Every time I look at you... -

Hey.

Hey.

How much do I owe you?

$9.22.

Why don't you keep that?

- Thanks a lot. - Have a good night.

You too. Thanks.

- And there's so much I want to say -

Wanna tell you just how good it feels... -

- Hey. - Hi.

Where did you find this?

Internet.

Thank you.

I took it out of the box so you could play with it.

It came in a box?

- The original box? - Mm-hmm.

Where is it?

I tossed it. Why?

Why?

Never mind.

Tom: And then it happened.

What?

We went where no two men should ever go without a prescription.

Trust me, you don't want the details.

Are you nuts?

At my age, the details are all I got.

Take off your...

Ouch!

Sorry.

- Let's not... - What?

- Let go of my leg. - Sorry, sorry.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Wait.

Don't you want to?

Do you have a thingy?

Shut up.

You know what I mean. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

- Tom? - Yeah?

Look at me.

I... love you.

Oh my God.

I love you.

Oh my God!

I'm hungry.

Yeah?

You like eggs? Why don't I make some eggs?

I'm supposed to meet my parents at the country club for brunch.

Do you want to come?

Hey.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, sweetheart.

- Hey, Dad. - Tom.

This is Eli.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

- Hello, Eli. - Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Why don't we all sit down?

Lydia and I can share a menu.

I'll get another setup.

You guys want coffee orjuice or anything?

Yeah, coffee with milk.

Can I get a mimosa and a coffee? And a water.

You'll fill up on liquids. Save room for your meal.

- Leave him alone, Lydia. - I wasn't criticizing.

He's obviously old enough to please himself.

So... what have you guys been up to?

Not much, really. We got back from Keenan on Friday...

and then I took the girls from my church group

to see "Phantom of the Opera."

Is that still running?

It was Friday night.

Right, I didn't know.

Father: $75 a shot.

It's absurd. It's like throwing money in the trash.

- It's theater, Jim. - It's trash, Lydia.

Tom: All right, all right. How was it up at Keenan?

What? What's wrong?

Now's not the time, honey.

So there's a right time to ask about Amy?

- Stupid. - Excuse me?

You heard me, Lydia.

You talk to me like that, you'll see what you get from me.

Is that a threat, Lydia?

- Dad, could you not- - Shut up, Tom.

Mother: That's rich.

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Let go of me, don't do that.

Don't do that, get your hands off me.

- I told you do not... - You always do this...

Let's go.

Tom, the valet's that way.

I'm not ready. If you want to go, I'll take a cab.

It's a nice club.

You think if I were half Jewish,

they'd let me halfway in the pool?

I'm really sorry.

You didn't do anything.

Who's Amy?

She's my sister.

What? I didn't know you had a sister.

I have a sister- Amy.

She lives up north in a special needs facility.

- Was she in an accident? - No, no.

F.A.S. Do you know what that is?

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Any other questions?

I'm on your side, remember?

I don't want anyone on my side, remember?

You thinkjust because we fucked, that makes us "we"?

I didn't ask for this, for you. Sojust stop.

You called me, remember? So make up your fucking mind.

How many ways do you need to be told to leave me the fuck alone?

You know what, asshole? Just one.

Alls I know is-

all I know is if I wasn't loaded half the time,

I probably wouldn't be in this mess.

Don't you feel like the older you get,

the less you really know about anything?

Absolutely. I don't know shit.

People thinkjust because I managed to make it to 60

without getting a Colombian necklace

or getting run over by a UPS truck,

that I have the answers to life's questions.

Great, so there's no hope.

Don't do that.

I'm not that Deepak Chopra

or whatever the hell he calls himself.

He tells you, if you believe in yourself,

you can do anything- pish!

Alls I know is, you keep your two eyes on your own paper

and both hands on the wheel.

And a multi-vitamin can't hurt.

So I guess the lesson's the same with booze as it is with guys.

Wanting it and having it... totally not the same thing.

I'll be right back. The bathroom.

Hey.

Sometimes I think you can want it and have it.

And now what happens now?

Now?

You mean about Eli being at the wedding?

That's not what I meant.

Wait, wait, wait.

You made me wait too long. Think too much about it.

Told you... negative.

Great.

I guess that's it.

It's nice meeting you.

You'll be seeing a lot more of me, you'll see.

Now that I'm off relationships and just doing one night stands.

Yeah, sure.

Take a condom.

We used to put candy in this.

Anyway, sorry I talked your ear off.

Please, it's better than a fucking movie, sweetheart.

Don't you need a parking validation?

Right, thank you.

- ( phone ringing ) - Wait a second.

Feedback Clinic, this is Esther.

Hi, honey, how you doing?

What? Go ahead, ask me.

I'm not a mind reader.

You ever see me on the fucking Psychic Friends Network channel?

Would... would you just shut up for a minute?

So don't tell me.

Trust me, Esther- one night stands.

It's all black and white for you, isn't it?

What?

I have been married to that putz for 42 years.

The strongest, healthiest man all his life.

And all of a sudden, he gets sick.

Lung cancer.

He never smoked a day in his life.

Pretty fucking ironic, isn't it?

He's even got a someone taking care of him in the afternoon.

Just like a little boy.

But he's dying, and if I stop hawking him and giving him shit,

calling him asshole, he'll know he's dying.

So I don't stop.

Plus, he is an asshole, so that's a bonus.

So I've got my grandmother's ring. That's old and borrowed.

And Rachel got me that blue thong.

Hoochie floss.

You got something else that's new and blue?

Actually, I do.

Holy shit, Tom! What happened?

Bad date.

What did you do, pick him up on the street?

Worse- AA.

Apparently he uses sex to work through anger,

which is fine when you're not quite that angry.

What am I going to do with you? Give me that.

I smell a lecture.

Fuck you, Tom.

You blow off a great guy who, by the way, doesn't hit

because he made the tragic mistake offalling for you.

And instead you're doing Ike and Tina Turner

with some asshole from AA.

At least he's not at Williams Sonoma

registering for our commitment ceremony.

You're right. You're right, Eli is such a loser.

I'm going home.

Holy shit.

- What's the matter? - What? Nothing.

Bullshit. Why aren't you getting dressed?

I'm nervous about seeing Tom at the wedding, that's all.

Only you could turn my wedding day into the Eli Wyckoff show.

I'm sorry. Believe me, nobody can hate me as much as I do.

Oh my God, you have to change the fucking record.

You have to stop.

You cannot make this the be-all and end-all of your entire life.

I'm not.

That's exactly what you're doing.

Let me tell you something.

Love is going to come up and whack you

- in the head before you know it. - I don't believe that.

- That happened to me and Jackie. - You were lucky.

You're unbelievable.

I was miserable before I met her, and itjust happens.

You're a fucking amazing guy.

You don't have to do this, don't-

Please shut up. You're a great guy.

If I were into guys,

we'd be in China right now picking out a baby.

Thank God I'm not, but...

Kidding. You know I love the gays.

And we appreciate it.

- Guys? - Mitch?

I don't know if it's just me, but I love it.

You like the tux?

Loving it.

Mitch, remember when we discussed the Ritalin situation?

Please put on your pants...

or get a tan.

Get doubles. I want all of these.

When my sister got married,

the best pictures were from the Instamatics.

Your sister got married?

Yes.

Fuck, what is my problem?

I'm like man poison.

Fucking penis Raid.

Whatever!

Girls... how do I look?

Oh my God, you look like a movie star.

Really?

- Yes. - Totally.

Seriously.

In a million years,

I never thought I'd be wearing white this soon.

You shouldn't be, unless you want me to call the Pope

and tell him it happened again.

I would've worn the cream one,

except it made me look like a Jenny Craig "before" picture.

Are you crazy?

Where's Tom?

He's on the patio. He is a man, after all.

Repellent. Gay or straight, it doesn't matter.

Put that out. You're killing my unborn child.

I was aiming a little higher.

Nice. What are you doing out here?

Oh my God, Eli was stalking you?

That is so romantic.

Not to me.

That's right. But if he tried to kill you,

then you'd be picking out china patterns.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

You're getting married. I'm having abandonment issues.

I'm just extending the family, babe.

Woman: Jackie, let's go.

We'll be right there.

Tom, I owe you an apology.

For what?

The way I've been pressuring you about Eli.

And I realize that I've just been trying

to make you like everybody else and you're not.

And that's one of things I love about you.

You're the only guy I know

who will probably never find that one person

to settle down with and still be very happy.

I envy that.

Jackie, get your ass in here or I'm wearing the veil.

We're coming.

But look at me. Shit!

I'm like one step away from den mother, PTA,

and "Hi, Honey, I'm home."

How the fuck did that happen?

Guess you fell in love.

What?

No, I just got lipstick all over every single one of my teeth.

How did I do that?

It's show time.

You may exchange the rings.

Wow, that's a nice one.

Congratulations, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

( glass breaking )

Eli.

- Eli. - Yeah?

How long are we going to have to keep ignoring each other?

What? I'm not ignoring you.

You ignoring me?

Come on, Eli.

You haven't returned one of my phone calls.

And you've said maybe three words to me the entire day,

two of which were "seafood newburg."

Which I have to say was repulsive.

Can I get some more Champagne? Champagne?

No, can I get a-

That's right, I'm sorry.

Absolut Martini, straight up, two olives. Make it dirty.

No, actually seltzer with lime, please.

So now you're not drinking?

Wow.

Good for you.

Thanks.

I sorta had to- I was slipping in the polls.

I, on the other hand, need more Champagne.

- I'm sorry I didn't- - Let's not do any of that,

"I'm sorry, it didn't work out" post-mortem stuff, okay?

Okay.

Besides, it'll free up some time to make fun of people.

Like Mitch, the man of mystery, teaching the rabbi the Macarena.

What is this, 1987?

Did you see Bret's mom?

I've never seen a woman with more hair on her back.

I keep waiting for the anti-fur activists

to storm in here and throw paint on her.

Tom: Poor Brett and Jackie.

They have no idea what they've gotten themselves into.

But they will, mark my words.

First they'll only hang out with other couples.

Then they'll start doing the "we" thing.

"We love this, and we hate that."

And ordering for each other,

because that's what "we" always have.

Before you know it,

she'll be shopping for lingerie at Bloomingdales.

And Brett, the poor loser,

will be outside the dressing room

with her pocketbook in his lap.

Oh my God.

You are so full of shit, you know that?

You got this bullshit, "I don't need anyone" thing.

And you use that,

thinking it's going to shield you from the fact

that your parents were drunks, had a lousy marriage,

and fucked up everyone in their lives.

But it's your life now, not theirs.

And what do you have to show for it?

You're just another self-hating recovering alcoholic

with nothing to live for but a martini and a blowjob.

Eli. Eli!

Hey!

( dishes crashing )

Don't you dare sum me up.

You don't know the first thing about me.

And that would be who's fault?

God, it's so easy for you, Mr.,

love-is-a-many-splendored-thing.

But you know what? I've seen it. I've seen it.

My parents loved one another. Until death do us part.

And believe me, it practically came to that.

Have you ever heard the sound

of two people suffocating one another? Have you?

Or the sound of ice cubes smashing against the wall?

Or a pot roast being shoved down the disposal? No!

How could you possibly,

with your touchy-feely "I'm okay, you're okay" parents.

I'm sorry I'm bursting your little bubble.

But there are a million guys out there

who can give you what you want.

I'm just not one of them.

I'm sorry.

You do the math.

You know what?

Fuck you if that's the wrong use of that expression.

- If could I bring you back -

- That'd be the sweetest thing -

- If I could bring you back -

- I would do anything -

- If I could bring you back... -

- To me. -

I just wanted to say, before I go...

I'm sorry.

I don't want you to leave here today

thinking that you can't do this-

be in a...

Because you can.

Tom, you are going to meet someone,

and you're going to be so great at this.

It's not going to be like your parents,

and it's not going to be like it was with me.

Anyway, uh...

I'll see you around.

Eli...

What?

What exactly do you want?

W-what do I...

Yeah... you.

I wanted this to stop being so fucking hard.

I want to meet your sister.

I want to be over this part,

so I can call you an asshole even when you're sick,

and you'd still know how much I love you.

Eli.

I don't know what you call that, Tom.

Pocketbook holding, suffocating... maybe.

But if I could ever have anything even close to that-

Eli!

I'm gonna go.

Valet's got my car.

There you are!

- Eli, hey. - Hey.

Should I? Or is this... is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah. What's up with the braid?

Brett did it. It's a long story.

I need to take a personal moment.

What's the matter? You're not having fun?

I was until about five minutes ago.

What happened?

I put my left foot in I put my left foot out

I put my left foot in and then I threw up.

The baby?

No. Bret's cousin Al bumped his pokey into my hokey

and I borsched.

I think Brett is the only normal person in that family.

Can we talk about his brother Mitch?

Hello, Freakie-McFreak.

He wants tojoin Cirque du Soleil.

He says he can swallow his own leg.

What's up?

How you doing?

What am I missing?

Just a family resemblance.

And I love you for it.

Okay. I don't know what that means.

I'm really smashed...

I think I just made out with the rabbi.

He is hot.

Is there dancing?

Are we going to dance?

Because I promised the family some hot man-on-man action.

- You and me? - No...

I think he means me and you.

Come on guys, let's go.

It's going to be fun.

Come on, sweetheart.

Bret: Look at that ass!

A little something like that...

Eli: I just had my hip replaced.

How hot does this broad look?

Tom: I finally saw "Gone With The Wind."

And?

And, I loved it.

Oh, thank God.

I think Scarlett realizes in the end

that it was just fear holding her back from the guy

that she wanted to... you know.

Eli: Hold her pocket book?

Yeah.

And I think about Rhett Butler.

Yeah?

He wasn't very fuzzy. Was he?

( theme music ) - I'm gonna make you love me -

- I'm gonna dry your tears -

- We're gonna stay together -

- For a million years -

- It's the least I can do -

- Just to make you my baby, -

- No words can describe -

- Ah, pinch me I'm dreamin' -

- Your hair's long and black -

- As it lays cross my pillow -

- When I stare in your eyes -

- I get lost in your glory -

- I'll never be -

- All you want me to -

- But that's all right, -

- I'm gonna make you love me -

- I'm gonna dry your tears, -

- We're gonna stay together -

- For a million... -

- I'm gonna make you love me -

- I'm gonna dry your tears, -

- We're gonna stay together -

- For a million years. -

- If the silence doesn't kill it, -

- Then illusion will -

- And you're staring at the sky, -

- But the moon ain't gonna pay our bills -

- And we're laughin' 'bout it loud, -

- When, oh, you know it ain't nojoke -

- You see them kick the rose with glitter, -

- Trade your dreams for smoke -

- Tear drops in the tree tops, -

- The wind is whistling through the mountain's teeth -

- A soul for every wounded dove -

- We're out further than the rainbow's edge -