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00:00:02,000 --> 00:01:02,000
Another Perfectly Synced subtitle
for YIFY Releases by Sahos
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00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,097
Koyaanisqatsi.
3
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:46,612
That music was very foreboding.
It's made a shiver go down my spine.
4
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,743
- That'll be the air-conditioning.
- I would've taken it off sooner
5
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:52,950
but I was having a fascinating
conversation with the proud father
6
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,831
of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.
7
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,618
Just passed his details on
to the Social Services.
8
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:01,334
The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds.
9
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:04,500
- It's midday.
- Well, no.. Well, yeah, it is now.
10
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,340
You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.
11
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,346
Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
12
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,721
Music and chat for the
Norfolk generation.
13
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,603
Sorry, it's the other way.
14
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,555
Later we'll be taking dedications
15
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,441
for anyone wrongly turned down
for planning permission.
16
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,444
Which is the worst monger?
17
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:27,823
Fish, iron, rumour or war?
Pretty clear, that one.
18
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,904
Now it's time for
today's large question.
19
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,820
Large question.
20
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,738
It's the near future.
21
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:38,330
An unprovoked chemical attack
from France, or possibly China,
22
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,586
has left us without a sense of smell.
23
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,835
In a whiff-free world,
what smell would you miss the most?
24
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,882
- Tom in Diss?
- Petrol.
25
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:49,303
Nice. Wrongly referred to
by the Americans as "gas".
26
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:50,929
It's petrol, not gas.
27
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,761
- Dominic in Castle Acre?
- Money.
28
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,550
Yep. Joe in Holt?
29
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,639
- My wife's nightie.
- You kinky get.
30
00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:59,100
- Saucy sod.
- She died, you see.
31
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,312
- Smells matter.
- They do.
32
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,270
Hey, Greg.
33
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,861
This is a great station, a real cracker.
34
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,943
Yeah. Hi, Pat.
Um.. this is Jason Tresswell.
35
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,787
- Managing Director of..
- Goredale Media.
36
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:19,416
Our new owners, huh?
I Googled you on Yahoo.
37
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,703
That's Pat Farrell.
Does week nights. 10-12.
38
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,546
Sleepy-time slot.
39
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,503
- So, are you on your way out?
- You tell me.
40
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,713
Is it true you're being taken over
by a bunch of corporate whores?
41
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:37,851
Er.. Gillian, I'm 99%
certain that's not true.
42
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,104
We've got a text here from
Joy in Diss who says:
43
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,311
An easy way to solve the problems
in Israel..
44
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,314
- A thorny issue.
- ..Would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.
45
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,319
Wouldn't hold your breath.
46
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,230
- They both hate pigs.
- True enough.
47
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,399
You could call it Jislam.
48
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:56,867
I think you can go in circles, can't you,
trying to think of names for something?
49
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,868
Even er.. a cat.
50
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,408
Well, nettles cause 'em,
dock leaves cure 'em.
51
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,703
It's a sting. It's Sting.
52
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:04,870
? Roxanne
53
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:08,256
- Sorry.
- Never, never criticise Muslims.
54
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,419
Only Christians. And Jews a little bit.
55
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,675
Alan, it's started. They're here.
56
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,681
We're being taken over.
57
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,774
So?
58
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,735
? Roxanne
59
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,690
? You don't have to put on the red light
60
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,864
? Those days are over
61
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:40,031
? You don't have to sell
your body to the night
62
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,371
Hello?
63
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,089
Are you in the business centre?
64
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,963
? Coconut, everybody
65
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,344
? Like de coconut
66
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,764
? Coconut, coconut..
67
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,013
? Coconut, coconut
68
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,683
Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about
how ospreys died out in Britain
69
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:11,399
and had to be reintroduced
from Scandinavia in the early '90s.
70
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:16,067
Now I think there are
almost 500 of them.
71
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,861
Yeah. 480.
72
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,951
It shows we should treasure
and value our wildlife.
73
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,578
So, what you got, girl?
74
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,411
Well, the butchers want you
to do another voiceover.
75
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,124
"Bannan's the Butcher's.
76
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,131
Yesterday's meat at today's prices."
77
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,672
You've had the mayor of
Hickling get in touch.
78
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:38,089
He listens to your show and wants to
offer you the freedom of the village.
79
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:41,266
- It doesn't even have a post office.
- They give you a big key.
80
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,969
- How big?
- That big.
81
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,887
- Tell him I accept.
82
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,432
Everything seems to be
chugging along nicely.
83
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,649
Everything OK, Alan?
84
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,822
Michael's just sent a text saying he
hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.
85
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,490
- How does he..
- He steals it from a pub.
86
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:58,946
- Oh.
- That's a relief.
87
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,658
Shared a bag of salty popcorn
with him last week.
88
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,123
? Roll out the barrel!!
- Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.
89
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:09,879
Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty
casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.
90
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:13,590
Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp
will be playing live in the studio,
91
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,670
and I'll be taking your calls
on my ever popular fireside phone-in.
92
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,258
Don't miss it.
93
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,010
OK, for those who haven't
slipped into a coma,
94
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,930
you are listening to the Breakfast Show
with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.
95
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:33,276
- How we feeling this morning, guys?
- Better than you, by the look of things.
96
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,109
- I had it large. I got on it.
- Take it easy tonight, then.
97
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,148
I would but we've got
the launch tonight.
98
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,784
North Norfolk Digital
are changing their name to..
99
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,112
Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.
100
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,873
? Shape - the way you want it to be
101
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,120
Coming up next, Alan Partridge.
God bless him, how old is he?
102
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,209
60 or something. Got to be, hasn't he?
103
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,998
55.
104
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,293
Alan, we love you, mate.
We love you really.
105
00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:59,678
This one's for you if you're listening.
106
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,972
It's Roachford.
107
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,800
? Cuddly Toy
108
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,771
? Well, I don't pour out
my heart like this to everyone
109
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,942
? Not anyone that I meet
110
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:25,154
? And I know it ain't the wine,
cos I feel just fine
111
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,155
? Can't you see, baby?
112
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,824
? I'm still on my feet
113
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,126
? Oh, but a cuddly toy
114
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:36,169
? That's my only joy waiting for me
when I get home, yeah
115
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,215
? And what I need is a girl like you
116
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:43,922
? All I need, yeah, to call my very own
117
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,972
? So you gotta feel for me, baby
? Feel for me, baby
118
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,434
? Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
? Feel for me, baby
119
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,725
? Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby
? Feel for me, baby
120
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,440
? Oh, gimme some love
121
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,313
? Come on, now..
122
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,661
Your fog lamps are on.
123
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,207
Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog.
124
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,368
There's no fog.
125
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:14,627
No fog.
126
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,754
? Oh, a cuddly toy
127
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,836
? That's my only joy
128
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,422
? Waiting for me when I get home
129
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,631
? Na-na
130
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,546
? And what I need
131
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,715
? ls a girl like you
132
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,851
? Just to call, call my very own
133
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,480
? So, you gotta feel for me, baby
? Feel for me, baby
134
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,313
? Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
? Feel for me, baby
135
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,528
? You gotta feel for me, baby
? Feel for me, baby
136
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,860
? Oh, gimme some love
137
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,492
Love that noise.
138
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,744
Michael, do it outside.
139
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,324
- Morning, Michael.
- Morning, Mr Partridge.
140
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,123
- Paper.
- I was doing a fist bump.
141
00:08:56,286 --> 00:09:00,086
- You would say that now you've lost.
- It's instead of a handshake.
142
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,960
Some people say it's more hygienic
than a handshake.
143
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,800
But who's to say
you can't get shit on your fist?
144
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,341
- Did you hear him making fun of you?
- I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,
145
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,056
"There's only one thing worse
than being talked about."
146
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,312
- Cancer.
- No. "Not being talked about."
147
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,560
Oscar Wilde said that's
worse than cancer?
148
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,021
Yeah. I think he was at a party.
149
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,687
Probably just being a gay show-off.
150
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,238
? Shape, Shape, Shape
151
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:27,367
Do you know what I really like? I like waking up
in the morning, breathing in the air and er..
152
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,904
actually realising I've made it through
the night and I haven't wet the bed.
153
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,244
No, I am joking, obviously, but er..
154
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:37,912
they were, of course,
very, very dark days indeed.
155
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,421
But they're all behind me now.
156
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,957
- Morning, Angela.
- Morning, Alan.
157
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,342
Alan Partridge has just
walked into the building.
158
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,720
Walking and talking, like The West Wing.
159
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,673
- Hope he hasn't hurt himself!!
- Mr President, we have a code red.
160
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,763
- I've never seen the show.
- No, me neither.
161
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,520
Corner coming up.
162
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,148
You never know what's round the corner.
163
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,272
More corners, usually.
164
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,730
Imagine a world without corners.
165
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:10,281
No-one would be able to cut any.
Everyone would be going round in circles.
166
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,583
Wow.
167
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,503
I enjoyed that.
168
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,756
I will tell you one thing.
169
00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,666
When I was going through my bad times,
170
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:29,839
I found Norfolk was perhaps
maybe not the place to be and..
171
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,387
just because it's so ?at
and there was a sort of a..
172
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,349
a bleakness about the place,
but obviously now..
173
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,980
You're a good broadcaster, Alan.
Don't forget that.
174
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,228
- I wasn't planning to, Pat.
- You seen this memo?
175
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,519
"Exciting new phase.
Here's to the future."
176
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,359
- My days are numbered.
- No-one's getting sacked.
177
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:50,367
It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when
the swimming pool allegations came out.
178
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,614
- He was in bits.
- Yeah.
179
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,622
It turned out he was just helping those
lads towel off. He was being nice.
180
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,416
- He didn't even know them.
- Yeah, but where is he now?
181
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,454
- He runs his own business.
- There. He's back on his feet.
182
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,337
Rents out bouncy castles.
183
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,214
For adults, yeah?
184
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,343
- Look at this memo.
- I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.
185
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,471
Goredale Media are simply re-imagining
our core brand values
186
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,475
and giving it a name more fitting
to multi-platform content delivery.
187
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,098
- They're people people.
- People people sack people.
188
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:21,435
No, Pat. People sack people.
People people please people.
189
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,817
- Can you have a word with them, Alan?
- Would you?
190
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,521
Er.. sure. As soon as I can get them
all in the same room together.
191
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,531
- They're all up in the boardroom now.
- That's great.
192
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,988
Thank you. Thank you, Alan.
You're a pal.
193
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,370
Well, pals is pals.
194
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:41,376
If we're all looking at the last quarterly
figures for North Norfolk on page 6.
195
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,832
Then if you turn to page 5.
196
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:49,134
Hi, guys, don't want to be an
agenda-bender, but any chance of a wa-wa?
197
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,088
- It's not a good time, Alan.
- It's fine, we've time. Come in.
198
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,596
Oh, we moved the other thing.
Yeah, it's a good time.
199
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,305
Alan. Alan Partridge.
200
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,603
Jason Tresswell,
MD of Goredale Media.
201
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,107
It's not "Alan Alan Partridge".
It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".
202
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,063
I know some people do have two names.
203
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,103
Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.
204
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,021
Duran Duran.
205
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,986
Yeah, that's not as good.
206
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,947
Um.. Kris Kristofferson.
207
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,162
Excellent small talk.
Gentlemen, to business.
208
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,867
I am here as one of the more senior
D-jocks at this station.
209
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,831
I'm here to talk about jobs.
210
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,460
Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?
211
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,541
Should er.. snap my heels together.
212
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,296
- Achtung!!
- Guten Tag.
213
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,257
Silence!! Sorry. I meant to miss you.
214
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,513
I want you to do something for me.
215
00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:41,015
I want you to take all your prejudices,
put them in a box marked "prejudices",
216
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,143
put it to one side, wipe the prejudice
juice off your hands..
217
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:47,226
Can I just stop you there?
Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.
218
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,690
I'm not scared of anything.
Not even an elephant,
219
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,605
which is interesting,
because there's one in this room.
220
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,566
- Wanna know his name?
- Pat Farrell.
221
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,360
It's Pat Farrell. Pat's audience is old.
222
00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:00,701
Old people, much like
dogs, are blindly loyal.
223
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,537
And if Pat hi-tails it to
Cedar FM and they follow,
224
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,920
you've got a grey exodus on your hands.
A grexodus.
225
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:12,050
Hm. That prejudices box doesn't
seem quite so cool any more, does it?
226
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,757
Yeah, but we bought Cedar FM as well.
227
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,263
I didn't know that.
I did not know that.
228
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,024
- The point is..
- You were talking about Pat Farrell.
229
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,693
Pat Farrell is a great guy.
230
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:34,698
He's always the first to speak up
at union meetings,
231
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,488
being a member of a union.
232
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:43,040
He's also Irish, which again, weirdly,
a plus point, if you like swearing.
233
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,950
"Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat".
234
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,711
Some Irish people say �Feck off"
isn't as bad as "Fuck off"
235
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,713
but I think that's bullshit
or bellshit.
236
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:54,092
- The bottom line is, he swears too much.
- This is all very interesting..
237
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,093
I can sum up Pat Farrell in ten words.
238
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,927
Pat isn't very good so let him go, guys,
seriously.
239
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,550
I can condense that to three words.
240
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,309
Just sack Pat.
241
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,194
That completes my presentation.
242
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,531
Gentlemen, I'll leave
you to your biscuits.
243
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,497
Gloves.
244
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:29,161
Oh, fuck.
245
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,666
Glove.
246
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,213
? Shape
247
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,966
? The way you want it to be
248
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:39,922
Ahhh!! That was soft rock
cocaine enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.
249
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,182
And this was Mid-Morning Matters.
250
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,725
Where once again,
251
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,931
- mid-morning.. mattered.
- Mattered.
252
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,472
Supposed to do it in sync.
253
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,273
- Always leave a gap.
- Sorry.
254
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,809
Simple. Very simple.
255
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,984
You're listening to Shape -
The Way You Want It To Be.
256
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,283
Mm-hm. Right. And will it take long?
257
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,834
It will take long. OK.
Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.
258
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,045
I'm not happy about it, but..
259
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,083
I'll have to go along with it, won't I?
260
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:22,723
The.. The problem is that the phone
rings even when I'm speaking on it,
261
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,848
so it sounds bloody weird.
262
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:30,021
In fact, I think it just did it then.
Did you hear it? Yes?
263
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,273
Yeah. He heard it too.
264
00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:35,068
OK, well, I'll leave it with you.
265
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,194
Mm-hm. Yep.
266
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,730
Yep.
267
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,694
All right. Thanks, Susan.
268
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,328
If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone,
there'll be hell to pay.
269
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,582
They wouldn't even let me say goodbye
to my listeners.
270
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,243
Just gave me 30 minutes
to clear out my locker.
271
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,955
Well, at least I'm getting
their mugs dirty.
272
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,208
Thanks, Alan.
You always stuck up for me.
273
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,297
Not like the others.
274
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,339
Well, I'll let you get back to.. Geoff.
275
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,802
- Who's Geoff?
- Geoff Susan.
276
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,512
Oh, yes, of course.
277
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,393
Ahhhhh..
278
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,320
I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?
279
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,195
I mean, I think he knew his days
were numbered.
280
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,325
More of an assisted suicide really.
281
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,740
I just ?ew him to Switzerland
and filled out a few forms and..
282
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,454
sloped off to the airport.
283
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,502
I've got to be honest, Lynn,
I'm feeling pretty crummy.
284
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,960
Pat's Irish, isn't he?
285
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,669
To be sure.
286
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,585
Why don't you donate
�50 to Sinn Fein?
287
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,470
Perfect.
288
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,135
Love that noise.
289
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,016
Keep me away from the sausage rolls.
290
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,722
I'm wearing my chubby clothes again.
291
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,975
- I noticed.
- What the chub, or the clothes?
292
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,764
- 'Dad.
' MS/"Dad.
293
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,849
Not that funny, Lynn.
294
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,935
Bounce
295
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,361
- I used to go with prostitutes.
- Brilliant.
296
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,323
Cocaine - that was a trigger.
Cocaine, prostitutes.
297
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,327
Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er..
luminous green bile.
298
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,083
Yeah, I was withdrawing.
299
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,995
I've got my minder with me.
300
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,038
- Lynn?
- She might not seem tough
301
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,583
but I once saw her stamp on
50 cockroaches in a minute.
302
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,467
He didn't see. He was in the next room.
303
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,503
- It was in Wales.
- It's true, yeah.
304
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,594
All I could hear was crunch, crunch,
crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.
305
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,851
I thought she was country dancing
whilst eating cereal.
306
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:35,013
I thought it was the End of Days.
They were legion.
307
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,601
Lynn likes The Bible.
308
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,604
I've never understood moths.
309
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,394
They only come out at night,
yet they're attracted to light.
310
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,802
I don't know why they just don't
come out during the day.
311
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,657
I've nothing to add to that.
If you substituted butter?y..
312
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,739
Could you go and get me
some sausage rolls?
313
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:52,826
If you substituted butter?y for moth,
I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.
314
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,787
Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say:
315
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,795
"I wandered lonely as a moth
to eat some jumpers in a drawer"
316
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:03,211
"As if that wasn't bad enough,
it ate my sock upon the moor"
317
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,266
Yeah. It's just.. I don't know why
a sock could be on the moor.
318
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,393
A mitten, maybe.
319
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,896
I actually spewed up some
of my stomach lining.
320
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:20,103
I don't know if you've ever done er..
done any horse, have you?
321
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,940
- I've ridden a donkey.
- No, no, no, I mean heroin.
322
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,525
I know what you mean.
No, I've not done heroin.
323
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,532
- I don't like subtitles in my films.
- If you can read, read a book.
324
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,240
Citizen Kane. Black and white.
I haven't seen that.
325
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:34,656
I tell you what, the best film for me,
ever, is still The Godfather.
326
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,916
- Ah, amazing film.
- Perfect film.
327
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,543
"I'm gonna make him an offer
he can't refuse.�
328
00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,545
- Amazing acting, though.
- Great acting.
329
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,001
I tell you what's even better-
330
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:46,714
a lot of people are shocked when I say
this - the camera angles.
331
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,719
- Alan, I need a word.
- Camera angles?
332
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,263
It's rather delicate.
333
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:54,517
Remember when you took me for that
Christmas meal at the ice rink?
334
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,973
You remember that woman
disinfecting the boots?
335
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,313
The one that took a shine to you?
336
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,600
I went home and you and her..
337
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,727
Well, it's.. none of my business.
338
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:08,148
It is none of your business, but for
the record, went back to her place,
339
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,818
watched Air Crash Investigation,
then I fell asleep in her big armchair.
340
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,406
A perfectly normal woman.
341
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,162
Well, she's here.
342
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,369
Lynn, get rid of her.
She's a drunk racist.
343
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,121
- I'll tolerate one, but not both.
- Fine.
344
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,541
But you said I could pop by any time.
345
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,956
I know, but my career's
hanging by a thread.
346
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,295
- And I'm an embarrassment, am I?
- No, no.
347
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,923
You just wanted sex, you used me.
348
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,679
Well, maybe you used me.
349
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,932
L-I didn't have much of a say
over what went on that night.
350
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,602
Didn't hear you complaining.
351
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,271
- I couldn't speak.
- See you round mine again, then.
352
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:41,976
I.. don't know, I'm.. I'm..
353
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:46,357
- What's wrong with my place?
- Well.. all those dogs barking.
354
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,192
But it's their bedroom too.
355
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,490
May I have a word?
356
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,538
You're talking clap.. crap!!
357
00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:00,496
I sound like a fucking Chinky
when I'm pissed!!
358
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:07,548
There we go. All done.
359
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:11,169
- What did you say to her?
- I told her that God loves everyone.
360
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,629
Even sluts.
361
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,015
- Good night, Lynn.
- Night, Alan.
362
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,160
Hello?
363
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,287
V funny. Tee-hee.
364
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,706
Very impressive.
365
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,215
Oh, they must have left in a hurry.
Something weird's happened.
366
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:04,977
All right, you freaked me out, so just..
pack it..
367
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,356
There you are!!
368
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,983
Pat? Agh!!
369
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,609
I'm down.
370
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,497
You..
371
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,788
You step to me?
372
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,420
Simon.
373
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,175
Er..
374
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:35,336
Yeah, all right.
I'll go on without you.
375
00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:53,237
Stop!! Stop!! Stop!!
376
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,819
- I need to commandeer this vehicle.
- What?
377
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,824
- There's a mad man with a gun.
- Um..
378
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,077
- He's Irish!!
- Get in.
379
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:05,329
Why do you sit so close to the wheel?
I could steer with my balls!!
380
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,745
- Where's the nearest police station?
- Just here.
381
00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:11,789
Oh.. thanks.
382
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:14,050
Are you Alan Partrid..?
383
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:19,676
Assault, battery, kidnap,
chronic thuggery,
384
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,430
brandishment, actual bodily harm,
grievous bodily harm..
385
00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:25,887
- ..harm.
- Just stick to what you saw
386
00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:28,393
and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.
387
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:30,729
- You mean aitch?
- That's what I said.
388
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,518
Nearly, you said haitch.
389
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,685
"Ha" is the sound of the letter,
aitch is its name.
390
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,864
One is ha, the other is aitch.
Neither is "haitch".
391
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,899
- I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
- Mr Partridge?
392
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:41,319
- Something else we need to talk about.
- Oh..
393
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,579
- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, fine.
394
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,084
I've never been in a police car before.
395
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:50,336
May I lower the window, please?
396
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,090
Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha
Papa arriving at the school building.
397
00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:00,971
- Officer.
- Mr Partridge.
398
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:04,009
- You were at the police station.
- I was just in the car with you.
399
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,222
- If you want to follow me, please.
- Huh.
400
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,479
- This way, please, sir.
- Yep.
401
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,391
Let's do it.
402
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:18,314
Mr Partridge, this is the Gold Commander
of the operation.
403
00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:22,326
- Seriously, is that what you're called?
- On this operation, yes.
404
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:24,403
I'm Acting Chief Constable
Janet Whitehead.
405
00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:27,286
- An honour.
- And I'm Martin Fitch.
406
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:29,284
Send.
407
00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:31,999
From Scotland Yard's
Hostage and Crisis Unit.
408
00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,004
Here to lead the negotiation.
409
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:36,257
Er.. little bit awkward.
Who's in charge?
410
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:38,964
Make no mistake, this lady is in charge.
411
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:43,423
So here's the situation.
Pat is refusing to speak to us directly.
412
00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:47,560
He's willing to give us three hostages but
only if he can talk to us through you.
413
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:52,394
Now, we need to know why Pat has done this so
we can draw things to a peaceful conclusion.
414
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,354
Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal.
415
00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:56,610
Sorry, wrong person.
416
00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:58,609
Come here.
417
00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:04,531
OK. Now, are you on any medication?
418
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,695
Er.. Just some cream.
419
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,742
I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but
that's the only thing about me that is.
420
00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:14,003
Do you suffer from any nervous
conditions, such as panic attacks?
421
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,255
Do I look like I suffer
from panic attacks?
422
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:19,542
I've had one panic attack in a car wash.
423
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,837
It was a perfect storm
of no sleep, no wife,
424
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,673
and angry brushes whirring towards me.
425
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,768
By the time the giant hair dryer
came on, I was in the footwell.
426
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,435
Does the idea of weaponry trouble you?
427
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:38,228
Er.. no. I've fired several ri?es,
at fun fairs, and won prizes.
428
00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:41,364
But I've never fired one
in anger, or at a cat.
429
00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:44,571
We'll have you fully briefed
by the tactical firearms team.
430
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,700
Cool.
431
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:48,362
We'll keep in regular phone
contact with you when you go in.
432
00:24:48,529 --> 00:24:50,122
Very cool. Sorry, go in?
433
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,749
- What, into the building?
- Mm-hm.
434
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:56,412
- To speak to Pat in person?
- Yes, is that not what you..
435
00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,711
- Erm..
- Everything OK?
436
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:04,553
I'm just a little nervous about
going into a car wash.. er.. siege.
437
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,427
So what do you say, Al?
Will you help us?
438
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,103
Yep.
439
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:21,066
Guys, none of us choose
the hand we're dealt..
440
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,483
- You know..
- We do need an answer, I'm afraid.
441
00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:27,284
Do you have another siege to go to?
442
00:25:27,443 --> 00:25:30,204
It's my understanding that if you say
yes, you're allowed a few words.
443
00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,577
- So you are saying yes?
- I was leaving that to the end.
444
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,367
- If you'd like to come with me.
- Sure.
445
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,535
Can I get a copy of that?
446
00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:39,296
- Let's keep this simple, shall we?
- Roger, that.
447
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,207
- No heroics.
- Ten-four, good buddy.
448
00:25:41,415 --> 00:25:43,417
Do not physically engage him.
449
00:25:43,584 --> 00:25:46,053
- Fight a gun, ?ee a knife, yeah?
- Where do you read that?
450
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,179
Big fans of you guys in TFU.
451
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:50,887
If I had my way, all police
officers would carry firearms.
452
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:53,929
I think that firearms should remain
in the hands of specialists.
453
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:57,314
I was going to say that only specialists
should be allowed to fire them.
454
00:25:57,473 --> 00:26:00,192
If you think I've just made that up,
you can call my assistant.
455
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:02,523
Alan!! Read my lips.
456
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,939
If you jeopardize the safety
of any of my men,
457
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:08,450
or any of those hostages
because you've not been listening to me,
458
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:12,239
I will take off this police uniform
and I will make you pay for it.
459
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,749
You want me to buy your police
uniform off you?
460
00:26:15,908 --> 00:26:18,536
No. I'll give you a fucking good hiding,
is that clear?
461
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,579
Yes, that's clear. Yes.
That's clear.
462
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,840
You're close to me.
463
00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:26,339
Now, you're a smart bloke,
I know you can handle it.
464
00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,675
- I know you won't disappoint me.
- I won't.
465
00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:31,636
I aim to please you,
and I.. I hope to impress you.
466
00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:34,469
- Good man.
- Yeah, you're a good man too.
467
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,225
Right, well, Dom will fill you in.
468
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,528
He has to say all that
shit for the insurance.
469
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,405
- Right.
- Tell me this much, mate.
470
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,942
- What's your favourite siege?
- Iranian Embassy.
471
00:26:50,109 --> 00:26:51,235
Same. Why?
472
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:53,002
They used the sound of a pneumatic drill
473
00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:56,332
to disguise the noise of them removing
bricks from a neighbouring wall.
474
00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:59,285
- So they could smash through and..
- Take them out the game.
475
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,545
It's just a great siege.
476
00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:03,789
Right.
477
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:06,709
Do you want to see my gun?
478
00:27:07,084 --> 00:27:09,178
Does erm.. Yes, please.
479
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,474
Let's clock the Glock.
480
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,803
You'll have to move quicker than that.
481
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,723
- Any last messages for your kids?
- Oh.. Er..
482
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,607
No, they don't speak to me any more.
483
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:24,689
Yeah, "Why don't you
speak to me any more?"
484
00:27:24,852 --> 00:27:26,399
I wouldn't know the answer, would I?
485
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:30,442
So just um.. just..
tell them I love them.
486
00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:40,910
Pat, Alan's coming in now.
487
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:57,472
- Greg!!
- Oh.. Hey, Alan. Thanks.
488
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:01,559
- They let you go as well?
- I'm relieved to be getting out of there.
489
00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:04,191
- Aren't there still women in there?
- Yeah, well..
490
00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:07,770
I think it would be a bit sexist
to let all the women go out first.
491
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:10,234
Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.
492
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:11,944
Thanks.
493
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,493
Pat?
494
00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,243
Pat?
495
00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:24,290
Pat?
496
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,597
- Prepare to die.
- I'm not ready to!!
497
00:28:36,215 --> 00:28:38,183
Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.
498
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,344
It's me - Pat.
499
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,602
God, you..
500
00:28:41,762 --> 00:28:45,187
I just thought a little jokey costume
would, you know, put you at ease,
501
00:28:45,349 --> 00:28:48,353
- give you a giggle.
- Well.. mission accomplished.
502
00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:50,570
Oh, God.
503
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,697
- It's great to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
504
00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:55,700
I bought you some cake,
not that you deserve it after that.
505
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:58,237
I should just crush it in my hand.
Oh, I already have.
506
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:01,327
- How the devil are you?
- Yeah, not bad, not bad.
507
00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:02,912
How are you feeling?
508
00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:04,748
- Great!!
- Good.
509
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:07,296
Oh, er.. the police told
me to bring you this.
510
00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:09,127
It's just a standard field phone,
511
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:12,509
should you feel the inclination
to communicate with ze authorities.
512
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,138
Good thing about these things, they're
immune to the problems and glitches
513
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,390
you get with satellite phones.
514
00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:21,427
But, like I say, it's
just an option, really.
515
00:29:21,635 --> 00:29:27,108
I just realised, when you asked me
now how I was feeling, you meant..
516
00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,268
Yes, I did.
517
00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:33,280
- Does this answer your question?
- Yes, it does.
518
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,532
Oh, hello.
Didn't see you there.
519
00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:37,693
Someone's been in the wars.
520
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:40,157
- That's just Simon.
- Can he breathe through that?
521
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,197
Of course. It's just
like wearing a mask.
522
00:29:42,364 --> 00:29:45,163
At least when someone puts you in
a mask, you've got a safe word,
523
00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,373
like "airbag", or "crayfish".
524
00:29:48,829 --> 00:29:50,752
What's the er..
That thing?
525
00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,550
Oh, we made that. It's a head holster.
526
00:29:53,709 --> 00:29:57,430
- Never heard of one of those.
- Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?
527
00:29:57,754 --> 00:29:59,848
You insert the shotgun.
528
00:30:00,382 --> 00:30:02,350
Place on stand.
And.. voil�.
529
00:30:02,509 --> 00:30:04,978
Hands free. I can move around
the studio, do anything I want.
530
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:08,266
And if something happens..
I don't even have to look.
531
00:30:09,141 --> 00:30:10,814
Boom. Hit the target.
532
00:30:10,976 --> 00:30:13,195
Yeah.. well,
you don't need an accomplice.
533
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,321
Well, I've got you now.
534
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,982
Yeah.
535
00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:19,827
Thank you.
536
00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,328
So you're with the police now?
537
00:30:27,743 --> 00:30:29,745
Oh, this.. no, this is just..
538
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:31,879
I think it's Velcro.
There you go.
539
00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:33,586
Feck the police.
540
00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,339
I think they thought that
if they did take a pot shot at you -
541
00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:38,174
it's a siege, you've got a gun -
542
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,510
that the bullet might pass through you
and hit me.
543
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,925
Unless they use dum-dums,
which explode inside the body.
544
00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:46,262
I said, do not use dum-dums on
Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.
545
00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:49,227
Just use a high-velocity round
that passes through his body
546
00:30:49,431 --> 00:30:50,933
because he's a friend of mine.
547
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:53,943
And I suppose if I want to shoot you,
I can always aim for the head.
548
00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,479
Exactly. Exactly.
549
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,940
Um.. I don't even
know why I'm wearing it.
550
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,363
- So take it off.
- I'll happily take it off.
551
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:01,697
Go on, then.
552
00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:04,302
- If you want me to, I'll take it off.
- Fucking take it off!!
553
00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:06,949
Oh, Pat, now you're making
me want to wear it.
554
00:31:07,157 --> 00:31:09,080
This is not my bag.
555
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,877
I'm-I'm-I'm.. a disc jockey.
556
00:31:11,036 --> 00:31:13,004
I'm sorry you got the sack.
557
00:31:13,163 --> 00:31:17,418
I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in
bed watching funny videos on YouTube.
558
00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,429
"Sneezing panda" or
"Charlie bit my finger".
559
00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:24,558
Have you seen
"Fat woman falls down the hole"?
560
00:31:28,929 --> 00:31:30,647
- That's hilarious. Isn't it?
- Yeah.
561
00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:32,774
I've seen it before, but, yeah.
562
00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:37,029
That.. That should be fenced off really,
but erm.. I'm glad it wasn't.
563
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,026
Great.
564
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:42,151
Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask,
where are the hostages?
565
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,069
In there.
566
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:48,624
Oh, my God!!
567
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,869
That's like some son of zoo
from Planet Of The Apes.
568
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,539
Danny looks a bit.. bruised.
569
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,749
I lost my temper a couple of times.
570
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,669
- Three times.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.
571
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:02,887
Go and say hello.
572
00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:05,890
- Give him a slap yourself, if you want.
- Oh, no..
573
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:09,761
No, I'll just..
I'll just say hello.
574
00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:13,395
- Alan..
- Look, do the police know we're here?
575
00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,184
Alan!! What the hell's going on?
576
00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,025
Hey!! Hey, hey, hey!!
577
00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:22,278
Cool it with the cross-talk,
you're professional broadcasters.
578
00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:25,069
- I'm not, I'm a writer.
- We'll get through this with each other.
579
00:32:25,235 --> 00:32:28,865
I want everyone to shake hands with everyone else.
Now!! Whether you want to or not.
580
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,907
This is ridiculous.
581
00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:32,701
Ow.
582
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:34,911
Hello, er.. Connor.
583
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:39,257
- Paper.
- Hi.
584
00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:42,420
OK. Pat will not communicate
directly with the police.
585
00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:44,634
Only through me.
586
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:48,141
So as of now, I am bullhorn.
587
00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,803
- But I think we're gonna be OK.
- OK? He hit me!!
588
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,644
Let's not get into who hit who or,
you know, who may have deserved it.
589
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,854
You need to keep him away from me.
Understand?
590
00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,735
What I need to do, Danny,
591
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,108
in conjunction with Jason,
is crisis management.
592
00:33:01,271 --> 00:33:03,432
I'm sure he'll agree
there has been plenty of crisis..
593
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:06,239
- But no management.
- Cowabunga. Walk with me.
594
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,455
Alan, you do realise
you're in the box seat here?
595
00:33:10,614 --> 00:33:12,036
You've got the guy's confidence.
596
00:33:12,199 --> 00:33:13,291
Yeah. I don't know why.
597
00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,712
I go for a curry with him once a year,
and even then I don't have a starter.
598
00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,122
Trouble is, he does.
599
00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:20,256
All I need to know is can
you handle it?
600
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,792
Well, er..
601
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:24,586
Would you ask that of a man
who'd gone paint-balling,
602
00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:27,927
realised he'd left his goggles at
reception but carried on anyway?
603
00:33:28,131 --> 00:33:29,678
- Why?
- You're looking at him.
604
00:33:29,925 --> 00:33:31,848
OK, guys,
quick wa-wa.
605
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,513
Just had a pow-wow with Jase,
upshot is..
606
00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:37,274
I'm gonna be his right-hand
man on this one.
607
00:33:37,474 --> 00:33:40,273
He'll be um.. my left-hand man.
608
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,771
- Er..
- Sorry.
609
00:33:42,938 --> 00:33:45,657
The point is,
Pat has not gone mad.
610
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:48,701
He has a grievance.
He needs some son of outlet.
611
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:55,084
This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll
Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital.
612
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,627
OK. Pat may have..
may have gone mad.
613
00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,834
He may have gone mad.
614
00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:03,672
And now we have a text from
Cynthia in Holt, who writes,
615
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:05,551
Dear Pat, we are sending you a bottle..
616
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:08,972
- Ma'am, you'd better listen to this.
- ..Of our homemade plum brandy.
617
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,098
We use it to make brandy butter..
618
00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:14,683
- Why am I listening to shit radio?
- That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.
619
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,437
He's broadcasting from the siege.
620
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,019
Mm, yum, Cynthia.
Can't wait.
621
00:34:19,224 --> 00:34:21,943
Can you gently remind Pat
that we had an agreement?
622
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:24,070
You are there to communicate with us.
623
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:27,733
Listen, I don't know what it says
in your police operation manual..
624
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,618
- ..or in Psycho-babble Weekly.
- Penguin Book of Sieges.
625
00:34:30,819 --> 00:34:32,742
or The Penguin Book of Sieges,
626
00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:35,995
but out here in the field,
it's plenty different.
627
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:41,209
I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe
to grind, and he say, "No speaky."
628
00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:44,375
I would really like to establish
a dialogue here, Alan.
629
00:34:44,541 --> 00:34:47,715
A simple tri-lateral exchange,
from Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.
630
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,847
- Do you understand?
- No more interruptions or else!!
631
00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:53,680
You think I don't have balls?
I've got plenty of balls!!
632
00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:56,311
I've got balls coming
out of my arse!!
633
00:34:58,430 --> 00:35:00,853
- Er.. did you hear that?
- Yes.
634
00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:04,270
Well, that's.. that's the
end of the call. Bye.
635
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,197
You are listening to
North Norfolk Digital.
636
00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:10,863
Shape.
637
00:35:11,026 --> 00:35:12,744
The Way You Want It To Be.
638
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,280
The way you want it to be
639
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,166
- Where are all my jingles?
- Jason wanted them deleted.
640
00:35:18,325 --> 00:35:20,645
- He won't have deleted them all.
- He did delete them all.
641
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:22,458
- He did delete them all, Pat.
- What?
642
00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:25,215
- It was jingle genocide.
- That's not helping, Simon.
643
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:28,297
The bastard. Alan, take over for me.
644
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,550
- No.
- I'm gonna straighten him out.
645
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,475
Oh, and.. keep it light.
646
00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:38,144
Right, um.. OK.
647
00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:40,726
You're listening to the
Pat and Alan Show.
648
00:35:41,056 --> 00:35:43,184
- Mainly Pat.
- You, Jason. Yeah, you.
649
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:46,024
We'll be asking.. w-what time..
650
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:52,902
does mike paper slider
switch to.. to..
651
00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:56,914
to mouse his chocolate cups?
652
00:35:57,072 --> 00:35:59,291
- It doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't make sense
653
00:35:59,491 --> 00:36:04,247
but if you can rearrange to make sense
then you could win.. bins..
654
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,335
and win..
655
00:36:06,498 --> 00:36:07,499
and windows.
656
00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:10,886
- Alan, help me!!
- So that's our win a bin and window,
657
00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:13,839
re-arrange the sentence,
keep it light, competition.
658
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,508
Oh, shit.
659
00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:19,136
This is the theme from Ski Sunday.
660
00:36:19,344 --> 00:36:20,846
Sorry for swearing.
661
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:23,106
? Theme tune
662
00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:29,271
I've put up with shits like
you for most of my life..
663
00:36:38,363 --> 00:36:39,660
One hour.
664
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:44,077
And if that jingle isn't word for word
what I just said,
665
00:36:44,244 --> 00:36:48,715
I am going to shoot you in the feet,
then the knees, then the hands.
666
00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:53,216
And basically anything you've
got two of, like your face.
667
00:36:54,254 --> 00:36:56,177
Oh, yeah. Two-faced.
668
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,387
One hour.
669
00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:05,850
One hour? This is impossible.
I'm gonna fucking die.
670
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,767
What are we gonna do?
671
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:09,902
You can't do a top-quality
jingle in an hour.
672
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:13,065
We can do this. Let me
tell you a story, um..
673
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:16,610
Back in the day, I was MC-ing a
conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.
674
00:37:16,818 --> 00:37:19,321
Some of the marketing guys
were doing karaoke.
675
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:22,161
I didn't join in,
I tended to shun Japanese culture.
676
00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,667
This was the mid-90s,
it was more acceptable.
677
00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:27,921
But high on a cocktail of champagne
and cheap Fosters lager,
678
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,002
I lunged at the microphone.
679
00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:32,418
A few minutes later,
I was making grown men cry
680
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:35,554
with my rendition of Summer Of '69
by Bryan Adams.
681
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,594
Thing is, I twisted the
lyrics to the Summer Of '29,
682
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:42,098
evoking memories of the Wall Street
Crash and German hyperin?ation.
683
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,106
- Remember, these guys were in sales.
- Alan, where are you going with this?
684
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,608
The point is, he didn't think
he was any good at singing,
685
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,610
and it turns out he was quite good.
686
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,067
- Yeah, that.
- And that if you really, really try
687
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:54,697
- you can do anything.
- And that.
688
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:57,405
I don't care!! I'm going to fucking die!!
689
00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:01,034
Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head,
shoulders, knees and toes.
690
00:38:01,196 --> 00:38:04,325
- Knees and toes.
- OK, man up, musos.
691
00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:06,994
- I played synth in a jazz funk band.
- Great, who else?
692
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,128
I used to be the drummer
in Marillion.
693
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,381
Really? There's no time for that.
694
00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:14,133
- But wow and great.
- What are you gonna do first?
695
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:20,385
I'm gonna lay down a rhythm track.
696
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,315
Oh.
697
00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,148
Lynn Benfield?
698
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,154
- I am she.
- Do you know Mr Alan Partridge?
699
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,690
OK.
700
00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:38,574
He wasn't stealing crisps.
701
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,031
He just gets ?ustered at
self-service checkouts
702
00:38:41,194 --> 00:38:43,822
- and takes things without scanning them.
- Miss Benfield..
703
00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:47,913
He doesn't like being told to put things
in bagging areas by automated women.
704
00:38:48,076 --> 00:38:50,670
No, Miss Benfield, we're here
because Mr Partridge is
705
00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,668
currently involved in an armed siege.
706
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,758
- Oh.
- We're informing you as his next of kin.
707
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,175
Take me to him.
708
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,601
? Pat Farrell had a loyal following in
709
00:39:06,094 --> 00:39:08,517
? The local community
710
00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:11,646
? But Goredale Media
fucked him over
711
00:39:11,808 --> 00:39:14,903
? Cos they don't care about loyalty
712
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:18,106
? The only things they give a shit about
713
00:39:18,273 --> 00:39:20,947
? Is the profit margins
714
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:24,200
? And if they don't re-instate him
715
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,206
? He'll take it out on the hostages
716
00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:29,785
? Even the ones with kids
717
00:39:29,951 --> 00:39:32,921
? Better get yourself some body bags
718
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,050
That was beautiful.
719
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,428
- Could you make me some more?
- Ooh. Er..
720
00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:43,264
- Definitely!!
- Yes, maybe.
721
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,563
Local folk trio Will'o-the-wisp
won't be coming in now.
722
00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:54,352
Apparently, there are road closures
in Norwich due to a major police..
723
00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:56,937
Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield.
724
00:39:57,103 --> 00:40:00,152
We're speaking to anyone who can
help us build a picture of Pat Farrell.
725
00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,908
- You said you know him?
- Ah, well..
726
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,615
I made three cakes for
him over the last year.
727
00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:07,705
But there was nothing in them
that would have led him to do this.
728
00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:11,038
- They were very plain.
- That's not one of our lines of investigation.
729
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,244
Just tell us what you know about Pat.
730
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,039
Irish. Shock of brown, curly hair.
731
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:20,176
He's a strong man, with strong arms
and a good walk. Moves well.
732
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,761
- That's very helpful, Lynn.
- Oh.
733
00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,923
- Thank you.
- Now, how about some coffee?
734
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,057
Oh, of course. How do you take it?
735
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,436
No, no, we'll get it for you.
Just sit there, I'll be back.
736
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,267
Oh..
737
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,432
Wichita Lineman
738
00:40:38,311 --> 00:40:40,484
I hate all this shit.
Telling us how to speak.
739
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:43,116
They think they're giving us
an identity but they're..
740
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:44,867
Turning us into nobodies.
741
00:40:45,026 --> 00:40:47,154
We're just unit-shifters
for the money men.
742
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,197
Sounds quite good.
743
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:56,921
Alan, did you ever imagine
what life would be like in your 50s?
744
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,879
I had hopes and dreams.
I think we all did.
745
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:02,635
Penny for them.
746
00:41:02,794 --> 00:41:05,217
Keep the penny,
you've got a gun.
747
00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:08,975
But, yeah, I used to dream that one day
I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover
748
00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:10,976
towing a speed boat.
749
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,309
I used to dream about growing old
with someone I love.
750
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,982
Hm. Both valid.
751
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,235
It's not gonna happen now, is it?
752
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:26,864
I miss my Molly so much.
753
00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:32,999
- Who's this chap?
- That's Molly.
754
00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:35,376
Yes, of course.
755
00:41:37,745 --> 00:41:40,624
She's got such.. brown hair.
756
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:46,884
A year after that was
taken, the angels took her.
757
00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:51,551
Must have been a few of them.
758
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:54,642
Now I've nobody.
No wife.
759
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:57,440
No family. No kids.
760
00:42:02,562 --> 00:42:04,735
I've gotta say, Pat, kids
don't make you happy.
761
00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:08,151
Some of the unhappiest times of my life
have been with my kids.
762
00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:10,365
I remember..
763
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,407
a holiday on the
beach in Prestatyn.
764
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:18,287
The kids came over to me and said,
"Papa, Papa!! Follow me,"
765
00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,547
and.. you know..
766
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,918
I followed them about 200 yards
across the sand dunes.
767
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:28,008
When I got there, finally,
all they'd done was dug a big hole.
768
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,390
Miserable.
769
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,604
Sounds lovely.
770
00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:47,278
? And the Wichita lineman
771
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:54,289
? Is still on the line
772
00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:03,039
Go-o-o-od morning!!
773
00:43:03,206 --> 00:43:05,129
Crayfish!!
774
00:43:06,918 --> 00:43:08,420
I feel absolutely great.
775
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:11,715
There's a lot to be said
for a good sleep and a hot shower.
776
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:13,799
Yeah.
777
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:16,686
Sleep well, Alan?
778
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,314
Er.. yes, thank you.
779
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,559
As the Shape siege enters
its first morning,
780
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,272
police are refusing to confirm
781
00:43:24,477 --> 00:43:26,571
the number or identities of the hostages
782
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:28,402
still being held at gunpoint
783
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:30,404
by sacked DJ, Pat Farrell.
784
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:32,201
Fellow DJ Alan Partridge
785
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:33,737
is in contact with the police
786
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,201
who are now set up at
the school behind me.
787
00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:38,366
What would you like us to play, Iris?
788
00:43:38,533 --> 00:43:40,160
Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson.
789
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,418
Aw.
790
00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:45,207
I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately
that's not in the system.
791
00:43:45,373 --> 00:43:48,047
We are only allowed
play-approved tracks.
792
00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:51,554
But, Pat, you've got a gun.
You can play whatever you like.
793
00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:54,261
Leave it with me
and I'll see what I can do, OK?
794
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:57,806
Remember we used to choose
our own records?
795
00:43:57,969 --> 00:44:02,065
Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if
you were tired or couldn't be bothered.
796
00:44:02,223 --> 00:44:04,066
Yeah.
797
00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,193
You like country music, Alan?
798
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,979
Can't say I do, Pat.
799
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:11,657
It's just jilted spouses
complaining whilst drunk.
800
00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:14,159
Also known as a date, if you're over 40.
801
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:16,946
When a listener asks for a song
and I don't have it,
802
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:19,207
I feel like I've let them down.
803
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,376
And Willie Nelson
was Molly's favourite too.
804
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:25,960
And Always On My Mind
was her favourite song.
805
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:37,888
Do you remember that?
The old road show bus.
806
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,303
Remember it? I took my
family camping in that.
807
00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:42,437
- Yeah?
- That was a tough nine days.
808
00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:45,437
You see, this bus brought
joy to hundreds.
809
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,102
I wonder where it is now.
810
00:44:47,268 --> 00:44:50,021
Probably impounded
after it crushed those scouts.
811
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:52,065
No, no, it's in the basement.
812
00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:53,278
- Oh?
- Yeah.
813
00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:55,409
- Did not know that.
- I used.. Oh!!
814
00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:58,367
- Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?
- Sure.
815
00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,093
- Give me the gun, Alan.
- Yeah.
816
00:45:14,587 --> 00:45:17,215
- The gun, Alan.
- I was looking at my clothes before.
817
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:20,555
Some people call it gear, don't they?
Others call it an outfit.
818
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,595
But I call it clobber!!
819
00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:25,681
Jesus!!
820
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,441
Alan!! Alan!!
821
00:45:27,642 --> 00:45:29,565
Alan!! Alan, give me the gun!!
822
00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:32,067
- Armed police, stay where you are!!
- Give me the gun.
823
00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:33,482
Drop the weapon!!
824
00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:37,531
Alan!!
825
00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:39,988
Alan, open the door.
826
00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:43,291
I'm just trying to find
some way to escape.
827
00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:44,496
Alan!! Alan!!
828
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:48,833
Ayatollah!!
829
00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:53,668
He's got a shooter.
830
00:45:57,129 --> 00:45:58,551
Aargh!!
831
00:46:01,717 --> 00:46:03,765
- You all right, Alan?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
832
00:46:03,928 --> 00:46:05,430
Cuddle me, cop!!
833
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,272
Argh!!
834
00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:09,058
Target down.
835
00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:10,977
Yours, I believe.
836
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:13,737
You probably thought I was gay
when I gave you that cuddle.
837
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,273
Don't worry, I'm not.
838
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,942
- You're really cool, Alan.
- Yeah, we think you're cool.
839
00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:20,862
Thank you. Sorry, who are you?
840
00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:23,865
Jason Statham.
841
00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:25,290
Jason Bourne.
842
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,543
Jason Argonaut.
843
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,584
- Jason Argonaut?
- Mm.
844
00:46:30,746 --> 00:46:33,340
- It's Jason and the Argonauts.
- Yes.
845
00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:34,671
Are you all right?
846
00:46:34,834 --> 00:46:38,805
You just said, "clobber"
and then "Jason and the Argonauts".
847
00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:41,933
- Oh, sorry.
- All right.
848
00:46:42,091 --> 00:46:44,185
- We go?
- Yeah.
849
00:46:44,969 --> 00:46:47,188
Oh, er.. by the way,
thanks for not taking the gun.
850
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:48,768
Oh.. that's fine.
851
00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:51,942
You're listening to Pat Farrell.
This is Willie Nelson,
852
00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:54,145
Always On My Mind.
853
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,607
For someone who's always on my mind,
my late wife Molly.
854
00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:01,119
? Maybe I didn't love you
855
00:47:04,447 --> 00:47:07,496
? Quite as often as I could have
856
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:14,841
? Maybe I didn't treat you..
857
00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:21,005
- Does that man look 59 to you?
- I didn't look.
858
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:24,346
- I just put his name into Google Images.
- This is Pat Farrell.
859
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,305
That is a Pat Farrell.
Do I have to do everything?
860
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,890
Ma'am, you better hear this.
861
00:47:31,057 --> 00:47:33,185
It's taken from the
transcript of the broadcast.
862
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,319
0100 hours. "Partridge:
863
00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:38,573
I wish this was abroad because it would
make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.
864
00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,199
What's Banged Up Abroad?
865
00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:43,487
- You don't know Banged Up Abroad?
- No.
866
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:45,575
Everyone
knows Banged Up Abroad.
867
00:47:45,738 --> 00:47:47,991
I don't. What
is Banged Up Abroad?
868
00:47:48,157 --> 00:47:50,660
You seriously don't know
Banged Up Abroad?
869
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,043
You have to be shitting me.
870
00:47:52,203 --> 00:47:53,796
I've never even heard of.."
871
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:57,299
Just get to the bit where they stop
saying Banged Up Abroad.
872
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:04,174
I once banged up a broad.
873
00:48:04,340 --> 00:48:07,469
That's the best you've got,
even with a gun to your head?"
874
00:48:07,635 --> 00:48:09,979
He's got a gun to his head.
875
00:48:10,638 --> 00:48:13,687
I remember once coming to
in a skip in the middle of the afternoon
876
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:15,476
with my underpants in my mouth.
877
00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:18,528
"Oh, these are not my pants!!"
878
00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:22,863
Oh, I can laugh about it now
but, you know, back then..
879
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:26,367
Sssh, ssh. What's that?
880
00:48:27,446 --> 00:48:29,665
Move into position, over.
881
00:48:30,116 --> 00:48:32,039
It's the police.
882
00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:35,375
If you like canap�s that are on the
turn, we've hit the motherload.
883
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:39,174
Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure.
Whatever happened to circles?
884
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:41,711
I mean I've heard of a square meal
but that's ridiculous.
885
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,921
I was just saying
I've heard of a square meal.
886
00:48:44,088 --> 00:48:45,590
Alan!! Alan!! Ssh, ssh.
887
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:46,882
OK.
888
00:48:47,091 --> 00:48:49,185
- We think it's the police.
- Wait.
889
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:52,805
- That definitely came from in there.
- That's just a cupboard.
890
00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:54,690
- It's not even an outside wall.
- Careful.
891
00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:57,227
- No, Jason..
- I'll protect you.
892
00:48:57,435 --> 00:49:00,985
It's not an outside wall.
Look, I'll show you. Look.
893
00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:04,992
- Michael?
- Aye, aye, Mister Partridge.
894
00:49:05,151 --> 00:49:06,573
What are you hiding in there for?
895
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:09,864
I found myself a place of concealment,
like when I was on manoeuvres.
896
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:12,871
Take your light off.
You're blinding everyone you speak to.
897
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,501
- Now it's ?ashing.
- Sorry.
898
00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:19,257
Michael. You look like some
sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.
899
00:49:19,457 --> 00:49:21,585
- How long have you been here?
- All night.
900
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:23,351
- What did you eat?
- I had me lunch box.
901
00:49:23,461 --> 00:49:25,134
- Where did you go to the toilet?
- No.
902
00:49:25,296 --> 00:49:27,173
I had me lunch box.
903
00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:29,717
Thank God it's got a smoky finish
with an airtight seal.
904
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,768
I tell you what. It
seals in the freshness.
905
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:34,097
No, Michael. It seals out the freshness.
906
00:49:34,263 --> 00:49:35,810
What is going on in here?
907
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:38,226
Michael's just visiting
us from the cupboard.
908
00:49:38,392 --> 00:49:39,609
No need to get shouty-shouty.
909
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,066
Did those Goredale bastards
put you up to this?
910
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,903
- No.
- No, no. I've been in here a few nights.
911
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,783
- No, one night.
- No, a few nights.
912
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,785
A few nights this week
and the week before.
913
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:51,038
- Why?
- Me brother wanted the bed to himself.
914
00:49:51,197 --> 00:49:53,120
Ah, yes.
Michael suffers from night terrors.
915
00:49:53,282 --> 00:49:54,875
He thrashes about like a big salmon.
916
00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:56,377
What's in the box?
917
00:49:57,203 --> 00:50:00,127
Er.. Michael.. Michael
let himself down.
918
00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:05,465
I'm really sorry.
I done a shit in the box.
919
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,722
Well, get rid of it.
Throw it out the window.
920
00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:13,761
Fall back!! Fall back!!
921
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,852
Armed police!!
922
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,858
- Identify yourself!!
- Identify yourself!!
923
00:50:20,059 --> 00:50:23,063
Alan Partridge.
Who the f.. Alan Partridge!!
924
00:50:23,229 --> 00:50:25,778
You know who I am.
I haven't been off the TV that long.
925
00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:29,069
- "Identify yourself."
- Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.
926
00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:31,488
Yeah, tell them to stop
pointing their guns at me.
927
00:50:31,654 --> 00:50:34,658
- Lower your weapons.
- Yeah, lower your weapons.
928
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:39,120
Take your hand off your gun.
Take your hand off your gun.
929
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,664
And the other hand.
I can wait here all day.
930
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,374
Do as he says.
931
00:50:43,541 --> 00:50:46,135
Thank you. Why do you have to
turn it into a competition?
932
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,512
Just because I won. OK.
933
00:50:48,671 --> 00:50:50,344
OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.
934
00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:52,349
I told you I've got a
very sensitive tummy.
935
00:50:52,508 --> 00:50:53,680
Who are you talking to, Alan?
936
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:55,890
I've got Pat on the end of
the line in both senses.
937
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,772
I'm tethered to the building via
this rope and relaying messages
938
00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:02,231
from Pat via this state-of-the-art
Sennheiser 1,000 head set.
939
00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,441
Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm
telling them that now.
940
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:06,651
If you'd listened, you'd
know I'm telling them.
941
00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:10,318
- Pat says �Hi".
- Hi, Pat.
942
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,578
And hi to your fellow officers.
943
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:15,163
Hi. Hi, Pat.
944
00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:19,460
Alan, listen. Pat works with us here,
this can all end well. OK?
945
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,179
- I give him my word.
- OK, just.. Yep.
946
00:51:21,328 --> 00:51:23,456
OK. Pat, you've got to..
you're rambling.
947
00:51:23,664 --> 00:51:26,713
You've got to be more concise.
What do you want? �I want a helicopter."
948
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,011
That's just an example, by the way.
949
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:31,884
Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.
950
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,217
That might not
be possible, Alan.
951
00:51:34,383 --> 00:51:37,057
But let's dialogue.
What else can we do for him?
952
00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:47,066
Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs.
What the hell's going on?"
953
00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:50,199
Pat, listen to me. That
was not an attack, OK?
954
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:53,827
We just had to dispose of a box around
the corner in a controlled manner.
955
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,229
Pat would prefer it if you
spoke through me, as would I.
956
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,833
Marlin says they deployed
a remote RV fitted with a disruptor
957
00:51:59,992 --> 00:52:04,122
to neutralise a suspected IED. He doesn't know
what you're talking about. He's quite angry.
958
00:52:04,288 --> 00:52:07,258
He's honking in my ear
like a mad Irish goose.
959
00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:09,293
- Aha!!
- We love you, Alan!!
960
00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,929
Um.. do you mind? It's
not a radio road show.
961
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:15,512
- I'm trying to host a siege here.
- We love you, Alan!!
962
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,223
Get away. Who said that?
963
00:52:18,594 --> 00:52:19,811
What's it like in there?
964
00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,850
Ah.. scary, stressful, lots of shouting.
965
00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:27,107
A bit like being married again.
966
00:52:27,603 --> 00:52:30,026
And there's a crazy person
running around with a gun.
967
00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,113
So it's a lot like being married again.
968
00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:38,702
And er.. when I saw a guy with a shotgun
in his mouth begging for mercy then..
969
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,954
You're ahead of me.
970
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:42,596
You're ahead of me. A lot of you are.
971
00:52:42,743 --> 00:52:45,542
He's still got his hand on his gun.
He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.
972
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:47,957
- I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.
- Alan.
973
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,467
I'm not retreating,
Pat's tugging me off.
974
00:52:50,626 --> 00:52:51,843
No, come on.
975
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,630
- We're better than that. Guys, seriously.
- Alan, wait!!
976
00:52:54,797 --> 00:52:57,641
By the way, there's an extra hostage.
Meant to tell you that.
977
00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:04,599
In a surprise development,
DJ Alan Partridge
978
00:53:04,765 --> 00:53:07,894
appeared outside the building,
while tethered to a rope.
979
00:53:08,102 --> 00:53:12,152
Footage of his address is already
one of the most viewed You Tube videos
980
00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:14,450
since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole".
981
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:16,531
Mr Partridge, whose Facebook page
982
00:53:16,694 --> 00:53:19,243
lists one of his interests
as hand-to-hand combat,
983
00:53:19,405 --> 00:53:23,831
has been acting as mediator between police
and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.
984
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:27,792
As people around the world ask,
who is Alan Partridge?
985
00:53:28,997 --> 00:53:31,250
That was a majestic voice.
986
00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:36,548
You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned,
Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.
987
00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,261
You are listening to..
988
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:41,139
- ..the partridge and the poacher.
989
00:53:42,511 --> 00:53:46,857
And, what I believe is a world first,
I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,
990
00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:50,610
broadcasting live from
a siege at gunpoint.
991
00:53:50,769 --> 00:53:51,861
Pure class, Alan.
992
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:56,158
And today, we'll be asking,
what was better in the olden days?
993
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:58,569
OK, Pat, shoot.
I mean, you know, start speaking.
994
00:53:58,736 --> 00:54:00,158
- Terry in Necton.
- Egypt.
995
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,706
- I'm liking this.
- They used to build the pyramids,
996
00:54:02,865 --> 00:54:04,742
now they can't get you
a taxi to the airport.
997
00:54:04,908 --> 00:54:07,002
Terry, I like the way you think.
Please call again.
998
00:54:07,161 --> 00:54:08,788
- Will do.
- Nicholas in Weybourne.
999
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,207
- Nurses were better in the old days.
- Bull's-eye.
1000
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:14,297
They used to be these Florence
Nightingale type figures.
1001
00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,259
These days it's just, you know,
short-haired women in trousers
1002
00:54:17,421 --> 00:54:19,014
washing their own hands at a sink.
1003
00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:22,468
Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable
has the greatest torsional strength -
1004
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:25,808
ie, which can withstand the greatest
twisting load before rupture?
1005
00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:29,316
- Caroline in Sprowston.
- Beards were better in the olden days.
1006
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:30,813
- Love it.
- Sebastian in Holt.
1007
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:32,944
- UK manufacturing.
- Good. Good, but dull.
1008
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,980
- Paul in East Runton.
- Kill 'em all, Pat.
1009
00:54:35,147 --> 00:54:36,490
Shoot the women first.
1010
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:41,324
We'll also be asking, have you ever met
a genuinely clever bus driver?
1011
00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:43,660
I wonder what the listening
figures are for this.
1012
00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:45,916
Yeah. Can you stop drumming?
1013
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,247
OK. Time for fact of the day.
1014
00:54:48,452 --> 00:54:51,205
Fact of the day.
Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.
1015
00:54:52,790 --> 00:54:55,714
- Cows don't have hymens.
- Absolutely correct.
1016
00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:58,470
Cows do not have hymens,
just a partially opened cervix.
1017
00:54:58,629 --> 00:55:00,131
The time is 10:22.
1018
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:03,892
Right now, to your muster stations.
It's Bryan Ferry.
1019
00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:06,094
? Let's Stick Together
1020
00:55:06,261 --> 00:55:08,434
Ah.. that was.. that was er..
1021
00:55:08,597 --> 00:55:10,395
- Very good.
- Yeah. Radio gravy.
1022
00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:11,900
Wow.
1023
00:55:12,059 --> 00:55:14,733
I suppose you forget about the
gun after a while, don't you?
1024
00:55:14,895 --> 00:55:17,114
- No, I don't.
- OK.
1025
00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:18,948
Good.
1026
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:29,042
Lynn!! Lynn Benfield, can we have a word?
1027
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:31,624
Oh, Alan doesn't like me
speaking to the press.
1028
00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:34,836
- We're not press. We're television.
- Well, I'm.. I'm not really..
1029
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,841
We've got hair and make-up.
1030
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:39,215
Oh!!
1031
00:55:39,962 --> 00:55:43,216
Back now to Norwich
where DJ Alan Partridge
1032
00:55:43,382 --> 00:55:46,386
- continues to bring news of the radio..
- Ah, Angela?
1033
00:55:46,552 --> 00:55:49,021
- Someone wants a word with you.
- Who?
1034
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,726
Him.
1035
00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:53,312
Tensions on the Korean
peninsula continue..
1036
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:55,603
- Why?
- ..Following Kim Jong-il..
1037
00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,237
Oh.. shit.
1038
00:55:57,396 --> 00:56:00,445
- .. Vegas, I was doing kind of..
1039
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,075
..for anyone's price range..
1040
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:07,827
..mounting tensions in North..
1041
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,888
..erectile dysfunction..
1042
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,720
- Inside, Partridge seems unfazed..
- Ah, him.
1043
00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:31,889
- Me on TV. Good photo.
- He tried instead
1044
00:56:32,055 --> 00:56:34,774
to calm the gunman by
joining him in the studio.
1045
00:56:35,309 --> 00:56:37,653
Yes, just your basic disabled loo.
1046
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:42,237
You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad,
high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.
1047
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,151
Alan, calm down. You're
being all hectic.
1048
00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:47,613
This is because you're on TV, isn't it?
You're all puffed up like a robin.
1049
00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:50,119
It's like you can see in me.
1050
00:56:50,282 --> 00:56:54,287
Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk
about disabled toilet facilities, did you?
1051
00:56:54,453 --> 00:56:56,751
Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.
1052
00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:03,133
Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic.
1053
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:08,684
Good gracious.
1054
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,433
I'm sorry about the nasal whistle.
It's when I'm anxious.
1055
00:57:31,615 --> 00:57:35,745
You know.. You know,
"Shape - the way you want it to be"?
1056
00:57:35,911 --> 00:57:38,289
- Yeah?
- Your shape's the way I want it to be.
1057
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,048
I'm on about your body.
1058
00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:47,177
- What might this be?
- That.. is my damned todger.
1059
00:57:47,798 --> 00:57:51,928
And it's all the fault of
a certain Miss Angela..
1060
00:57:52,511 --> 00:57:54,479
I'm sorry, I don't
know your second name.
1061
00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:58,268
He's very brave.
He was once feeding ducks in the park.
1062
00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:00,569
One took a peck at him and
instead of retreating,
1063
00:58:00,727 --> 00:58:02,980
- he hit it with the back of his hand.
1064
00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:06,571
- DJ Alan Partridge..
- Hi. You got time for a quick wah-wah?
1065
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,031
- What?
- Quick wah-wah.
1066
00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,701
- Oh, you mean "wa-wa"?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1067
00:58:11,863 --> 00:58:14,082
- Sorry. You just did a different noise.
- Sorry.
1068
00:58:14,241 --> 00:58:18,041
Look.. how are you feeling about this
whole media circus? How you feeling?
1069
00:58:18,245 --> 00:58:19,963
Between you and me, pretty puffed up.
1070
00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:22,921
- Like an owl.
- Let's hope you're a wise one.
1071
00:58:23,083 --> 00:58:26,132
Nice. I pitched it up,
you knocked it out of the park.
1072
00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:28,137
Synergy. Oh, no, that's lesbians.
1073
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:29,576
Let me tell you something, Alan.
1074
00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:34,136
As far as the press is concerned,
you are the face of this siege.
1075
00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:37,185
- I am siege face.
- Exactly.
1076
00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:40,521
After this, you'll get more offers
than a whore at our Christmas party.
1077
00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,905
I like that. Yeah, I like that.
1078
00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,861
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1079
00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:49,197
You'd know a thing or two about that,
wouldn't you?
1080
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,579
That would be.. "Mm-hm. Hmm," he says.
That's a moustache.
1081
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,281
Seriously, did you give her one?
1082
00:58:54,448 --> 00:58:58,043
Well, I.. I gave her a ruddy big kiss
she won't forget in a hurry.
1083
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:01,171
Hand on the outside of the bra.
Er.. you know, reconnaissance.
1084
00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:07,128
And then I just held her in my arms because she
told me she never knew her mother, and I said,
1085
00:59:07,335 --> 00:59:10,509
"Well, my mother raised me
and lived to a ripe old age.
1086
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:13,642
But guess what?
I never really knew her."
1087
00:59:14,593 --> 00:59:17,267
Erm.. and..
1088
00:59:17,429 --> 00:59:19,602
To get back on track, erm..
1089
00:59:19,806 --> 00:59:21,683
Yeah, I mean.. Yeah, whoo!!
1090
00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,690
- I like you.
- I like you.
1091
00:59:24,853 --> 00:59:26,901
He likes me, Lynn. Jason
Tresswell likes me.
1092
00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:28,744
- Alan? Are you OK?
- I've got to be quick.
1093
00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:31,197
Pat thinks I've borrowed his phone
to play Angry Birds.
1094
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:34,029
- Of course. What is it?
- A computerised bird-throwing game.
1095
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:36,369
- No, I meant..
- I'm joking, Lynn.
1096
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,416
Enjoy me. Everyone else is.
1097
00:59:38,617 --> 00:59:41,166
Goredale Media think
I'm some sort of Christ 2.0.
1098
00:59:41,328 --> 00:59:44,582
Do you know, I'm within a brair's headth
of getting the breakfast show.
1099
00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,217
I'll call myself the Morning Rooster,
or the Talking Cock.
1100
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,844
- You're not thinking clearly.
- Yes, I am.
1101
00:59:50,003 --> 00:59:51,846
Lynn, I'll say this once
and I'll say it again.
1102
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:55,635
My career's getting a shot in the arm and
if I can stay in here to the bitter end,
1103
00:59:55,801 --> 00:59:59,647
I will be the biggest thing to come out
of Norwich since.. Lord Nelson or Trisha.
1104
00:59:59,805 --> 01:00:01,352
Think about that and what that means.
1105
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,734
Your priority is the
welfare of the hostages.
1106
01:00:03,892 --> 01:00:05,894
Good - put that out as a press release
and say I said it.
1107
01:00:06,061 --> 01:00:08,189
Alan, your ego's getting
the better of you.
1108
01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:11,825
I've just got to stay alert and focused.
I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.
1109
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:14,119
How effed up is that?
1110
01:00:15,362 --> 01:00:17,410
- Alan? Alan?
- Oh..
1111
01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:42,101
Ohh!! Christ's sake.
1112
01:00:46,101 --> 01:00:48,229
Not now. Oh, God.
1113
01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:51,323
I'm caught on the latch.
1114
01:01:04,411 --> 01:01:06,254
Oh, come on. Please.
1115
01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:19,511
Stop, armed police!!
Get your hands above your head.
1116
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:22,099
- I've just got..
- Get your hands above your head!!
1117
01:01:22,262 --> 01:01:24,765
- I want to get those trousers.
- Do it!! Hands above your head.
1118
01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:28,356
- They're my trousers.
- Get your hands above your head now!!
1119
01:01:32,314 --> 01:01:34,567
What are you doing? It's weird.
1120
01:01:36,193 --> 01:01:37,911
There are paparazzi all over the place
1121
01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:40,822
and I do not want them
to get a photograph of my genitals.
1122
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,499
- Oh, come on!!
- That's it, look at me.
1123
01:01:53,376 --> 01:01:55,674
And how were the hostages when you left?
1124
01:01:56,588 --> 01:01:58,966
- Crouched.
- I mean, what's their state of mind?
1125
01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:02,853
Oh. Er.. If I'm honest, a bit moany.
Yeah. Is someone writing this down?
1126
01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:05,355
- Yeah.
- Sorry. I thought you were some clothes.
1127
01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,982
Thanks for the forensic
trousers, by the way.
1128
01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:10,644
- Could you just um..?
- Crikey. Yeah, sorry.
1129
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:14,360
I was actually going to fashion a
sort of make-shift modesty sporran
1130
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,695
from the vacant arm flaps.
1131
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,249
OK, I think we're done here.
1132
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:28,332
Any chance of freshening up? I just need
to wipe my face with a big hot towel.
1133
01:02:28,495 --> 01:02:31,499
Presumably you wanna use me
as part of your media strat?
1134
01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:34,800
No.
1135
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,337
- Do you agree?
- 100 per cent.
1136
01:02:36,503 --> 01:02:37,675
Gotcha.
1137
01:02:38,380 --> 01:02:41,930
The police said you could do media
interviews when the siege is over.
1138
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:47,019
It will be too late then, Lynn. People
move on. Goredale Media will move on.
1139
01:02:47,931 --> 01:02:49,933
But you're still being talked about.
1140
01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:53,695
Only cos every time I look at the telly,
they're showing a picture of my arse.
1141
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,274
It's all right for you. Every other time I
look, they show a picture of your face.
1142
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,489
And then the next time -
surprise, surprise, my arse again.
1143
01:03:00,652 --> 01:03:02,495
I was only telling people about you.
1144
01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:08,252
You know, I was Goredale's golden goose,
and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas.
1145
01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,833
But why do you want to work
for people like that?
1146
01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:13,670
- Goredale are bullies.
- Yeah. And what do you do with a bully?
1147
01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:16,877
You make friends with the bully
so they bully someone else.
1148
01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:19,880
- "What doth it profit a man.."
- Doth?
1149
01:03:20,130 --> 01:03:24,351
"..If he gains the whole world yet loses
his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight..
1150
01:03:24,509 --> 01:03:27,638
Yeah, I know who wrote it.
I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn.
1151
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:32,355
I want to, if you like,
lend my soul to Goredale Media
1152
01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:34,152
on a long-term basis for cash.
1153
01:03:34,311 --> 01:03:36,234
It's a very different thing.
1154
01:03:40,984 --> 01:03:42,944
I don't know how
you can look yourself in the eye.
1155
01:03:43,111 --> 01:03:44,613
I can't, Lynn. My nose is in the way.
1156
01:03:44,779 --> 01:03:46,952
You can talk,
prattling away on every news bulletin.
1157
01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,501
I mean, who the heck
do you think you are?
1158
01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:54,623
- I'm Lynn Benfield.
- You don't look like Lynn Benfield.
1159
01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:58,168
I mean, what has happened to you,
with your attitude and your hair?
1160
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,087
You've literally become a big head.
1161
01:04:01,296 --> 01:04:03,719
- I like it.
- I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn,
1162
01:04:03,923 --> 01:04:07,177
but a lot of people think it looks
like a photograph of an explosion.
1163
01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:10,596
I don't know if I want to
work for a man like you.
1164
01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:13,726
I don't know that I want to employ
someone who looks like a madam.
1165
01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:15,235
And I don't mean a Parisian one -
1166
01:04:15,435 --> 01:04:18,484
I mean, one who lives in a terraced
house behind a train station.
1167
01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:35,706
- Doors opening!!
- Armed police!! Armed police!!
1168
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:39,046
Oh, shut up, will you?
Stop shouting.
1169
01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:42,509
- Easy, Pat. Mind the steps.
- I'm able to walk down steps, all right?
1170
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,718
He means because the gun's
against my head.
1171
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,852
- Everybody has an opinion, huh?
- Hear, hear. Well said.
1172
01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:51,100
- On.
- Hi, Pat.
1173
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:53,765
Hey, Alan. What happened?
We were in the middle of a show,
1174
01:04:53,932 --> 01:04:55,809
and then your arse is all
over the internet.
1175
01:04:55,975 --> 01:04:58,398
Looked like you had a turkey's head
between your legs.
1176
01:04:58,561 --> 01:05:00,859
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
It doesn't have a beak.
1177
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:03,070
And, yeah, I took an executive decision
1178
01:05:03,233 --> 01:05:05,656
to stow my cock and balls up
against my backside.
1179
01:05:05,860 --> 01:05:08,158
I can't believe you left
me with this nutcase.
1180
01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:10,289
Hang on a minute, you're
the one with the gun.
1181
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:13,076
- See? He's hilarious.
- He's solid. He's solid.
1182
01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:17,623
- Pizzas coming through now, Pat.
- Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off.
1183
01:05:24,671 --> 01:05:26,514
Oh, hello.
1184
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:31,428
Actually, I want Alan to bring them in.
1185
01:05:33,763 --> 01:05:37,267
That might not be possible, Pat.
Alan's not prepared to do that.
1186
01:05:37,434 --> 01:05:39,482
No.. I am prepared to do that.
1187
01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:42,193
- It's not that simple.
- Do you want me to release some people?
1188
01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:43,865
Sure. Let's talk about that.
1189
01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:46,151
Alan, what do you reckon
if I let the women go?
1190
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:49,321
Yeah, let a couple of the women go.
Maybe keep Angela.
1191
01:05:49,904 --> 01:05:52,498
- But her kids will be worried sick.
- She's got kids?
1192
01:05:52,699 --> 01:05:55,498
Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15.
1193
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:57,996
I believe they're a real handful.
1194
01:05:58,163 --> 01:06:01,133
Yeah, what was I thinking?
Let all the women go.
1195
01:06:01,291 --> 01:06:03,259
Pat, give me five minutes
with head office.
1196
01:06:03,418 --> 01:06:05,887
He's bringing them in now.
Alan, come on.
1197
01:06:06,546 --> 01:06:08,173
- Top one.
- Top one.
1198
01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:11,601
- Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one.
- OK, come on, son.
1199
01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:14,721
Oh, shit.
1200
01:06:18,558 --> 01:06:20,526
Why did you say hello
to that delivery guy?
1201
01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:26,445
Oh, him? No, he just reminded me
of a man I know called Mike Cable,
1202
01:06:26,608 --> 01:06:30,704
who did my accounts from '97 to '98.
1203
01:06:30,862 --> 01:06:32,614
Actually, no. '99.
1204
01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:34,999
Till he stopped
because his daughter was very ill.
1205
01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:36,910
Yeah, it was touch and go, actually.
1206
01:06:37,368 --> 01:06:40,247
He and Sandra were in bits,
they had to cancel their holiday.
1207
01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:43,000
- It was a ?y-drive to Tuscany.
- Hm.
1208
01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:46,796
I must tell him, actually, that there's
a policeman that looks just like him.
1209
01:06:47,170 --> 01:06:48,217
What's that?
1210
01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:51,349
Must tell Mike that there's a pizza man
who looks just like him.
1211
01:06:53,009 --> 01:06:54,682
I'm famished.
1212
01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:59,432
- Ladies, you're free to go.
- What?
1213
01:06:59,641 --> 01:07:01,814
- Yep.
- God bless you, Pat.
1214
01:07:01,976 --> 01:07:03,102
See you. Bye.
1215
01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:05,317
I'll make you a home-made pizza
when you get out.
1216
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:07,232
Yeah, these pizzas are pretty good.
1217
01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:11,573
- Cinderella.
- Yeah, well..
1218
01:07:11,736 --> 01:07:14,239
No, hers was.. that was
a glass one, wasn't it?
1219
01:07:16,366 --> 01:07:17,993
Here comes the Tin Man.
1220
01:07:27,544 --> 01:07:30,798
- Just trying to find your pizza.
- Well, just give me that one.
1221
01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:33,641
- Hm?
- That one.
1222
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,473
- Which one?
- The top one.
1223
01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:38,889
Oh..
1224
01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:41,065
- I'll take the pizzas.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1225
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:48,114
Woo-ho, stuffed crust!!
- Thanks for coming back, Alan.
1226
01:07:50,733 --> 01:07:52,952
- What are you doing?
- I'm just seeing how you'll look
1227
01:07:53,111 --> 01:07:56,115
on the billboard for when you start
on The Breakfast Show.
1228
01:07:56,281 --> 01:07:59,285
- The Breakfast Show?
- Alan, can I have a word?
1229
01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:02,624
Yeah, sure.
Just bringing the pizza cutter.
1230
01:08:03,955 --> 01:08:05,923
Right, how many do you want.
Six or eight?
1231
01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,800
Oh, my God, that's a taser!!
1232
01:08:07,959 --> 01:08:11,054
This is no use, it's a pizza cutter.
And that is not a pizza.
1233
01:08:11,713 --> 01:08:14,933
Thing is, how did it get there?
Erm..
1234
01:08:15,425 --> 01:08:19,146
Unless the pizza company are running
a competition in which you win a taser.
1235
01:08:19,304 --> 01:08:22,353
That doesn't make sense, does it?
Do you realise, it's the police?
1236
01:08:22,515 --> 01:08:26,611
The ruddy po.. Do you know.. They've got
some brass neck for a bunch of coppers.
1237
01:08:26,769 --> 01:08:28,487
I'm actually really angry about that.
1238
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:30,740
You should keep that as an extra weapon.
1239
01:08:30,898 --> 01:08:34,994
What kind of fool do you take me for, eh?
I'm one step ahead of all of you.
1240
01:08:35,153 --> 01:08:37,281
And I'm just a step behind you, mate.
1241
01:08:38,031 --> 01:08:40,409
- Ooh.
- Never take your eye off the ball, Pat.
1242
01:08:40,575 --> 01:08:41,792
First rule of business.
1243
01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:44,746
Second rule of business,
always be prepared for an opportunity
1244
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,631
when it arises, like I was just then.
1245
01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:48,757
Yeah.
1246
01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:52,386
Course I wouldn't expect you to
understand that. It's Darwinian.
1247
01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,175
- You're a runt.
- Is that what you think, Alan?
1248
01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,353
I wouldn't quite, you
know, use those words.
1249
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,229
Well, I think.. I think..
1250
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,557
The sort of the gist
of what, you know..
1251
01:09:04,724 --> 01:09:06,397
I just don't like bullies.
1252
01:09:07,435 --> 01:09:10,860
- Um.. can I take this off, please?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
1253
01:09:11,022 --> 01:09:13,901
- No, I'm talking to him.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
1254
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,785
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Thank you.
1255
01:09:16,736 --> 01:09:18,158
Are you all right?
1256
01:09:18,321 --> 01:09:21,700
Well, I was worried about the old head
but I think I've got a handle on it.
1257
01:09:22,784 --> 01:09:25,128
- Very witty.
- Alan's a smart cookie, Pat.
1258
01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:30,629
He's treated this whole crisis
like a business opportunity.
1259
01:09:30,792 --> 01:09:35,514
He's taken a look around him and he's
thought, "How can I make this work for me?"
1260
01:09:36,464 --> 01:09:38,307
- Well done, Alan.
- Cheers.
1261
01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:40,889
- Yeah, well done, Alan.
- Thank you.
1262
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:44,101
You know, you and me,
we've got something going here.
1263
01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:48,609
Pat might be a dinosaur, filling his show
with chit-chat and phone-ins like it's 1983,
1264
01:09:48,810 --> 01:09:49,902
but you're one of us.
1265
01:09:50,061 --> 01:09:53,065
You know radio's just business.
You'll do well out of this.
1266
01:09:53,231 --> 01:09:55,905
And er.. I'll get you a glamorous
assistant with big tits
1267
01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:59,534
to take over from that frumpy old cow
you've got at the moment.
1268
01:09:59,696 --> 01:10:01,414
You know, Mrs fucking Doubtfire.
1269
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:07,545
Danny, er..
Jason gave me your breakfast show.
1270
01:10:08,579 --> 01:10:10,206
- Yeah.
- Is that true?
1271
01:10:10,373 --> 01:10:12,046
- Well..
- Twat.
1272
01:10:14,502 --> 01:10:16,049
Oh, my God.
1273
01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:17,839
Go!! Go!! Go!!
1274
01:10:19,924 --> 01:10:21,847
Armed police!!
1275
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:24,432
Armed police!! Everybody stay down!!
1276
01:10:24,595 --> 01:10:28,190
- Stay down!! Don't move!! Don't move!!
- Have you got any scissors?
1277
01:10:28,391 --> 01:10:29,984
Have you got any scissors?
1278
01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:32,145
Armed police!! Armed police!!
1279
01:10:32,311 --> 01:10:34,985
Studio's empty. Where's Farrell?
Where's Partridge?
1280
01:10:40,278 --> 01:10:43,373
? Roll out the barrel..
1281
01:10:48,244 --> 01:10:50,793
Get into position,
get in front of that bus!!
1282
01:10:51,581 --> 01:10:55,677
We got three on a bus. Three on a bus.
I want a green light on a sniper now.
1283
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,470
This cannot be happening.
1284
01:10:59,005 --> 01:11:01,428
Jeez, Alan. Look at this.
Quite alarming, isn't it?
1285
01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,931
Er.. l think.. I think we'll be fine.
1286
01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:07,313
Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted
to stick it to Goredale one more time.
1287
01:11:07,472 --> 01:11:10,066
I don't mind in the slightest, Pat.
Goredale are tits.
1288
01:11:10,933 --> 01:11:15,404
Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae
insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt.
1289
01:11:15,563 --> 01:11:17,986
What are you going to do about
it this time?
1290
01:11:20,443 --> 01:11:22,821
- Start the car!! Start the car!!
- Let's go!!
1291
01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:31,166
Right, let's give them some stick.
1292
01:11:31,329 --> 01:11:33,582
You're listening to Pat and Alan
1293
01:11:33,748 --> 01:11:36,092
with a message for the Goredale Medias
of this world.
1294
01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:40,718
If you think you can take real DJs
and turn them into radio robots,
1295
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:43,258
think again -
because we're gonna get up in your face.
1296
01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:44,346
Great.
1297
01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:48,514
With a big fat slice of road show radio
right here, right now.
1298
01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,272
The time is 1:27.
1299
01:11:50,431 --> 01:11:52,149
This is John Farnham
and The Voice.
1300
01:11:52,642 --> 01:11:54,360
? The Voice
1301
01:12:02,568 --> 01:12:05,742
Today we're asking, why do
people keep their eggs in the fridge?
1302
01:12:05,905 --> 01:12:09,455
Once again, why do people insist
on keeping their eggs in the fridge?
1303
01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:13,793
And can a binman reasonably expect
a Christmas tip
1304
01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:17,626
when he has point-blank refused
to dispose of a broken toaster?
1305
01:12:17,792 --> 01:12:20,762
- Good question!!
- And that can be today's large question.
1306
01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:23,890
Large question.
1307
01:12:24,841 --> 01:12:29,813
Oh, and we have some travel news.
There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.
1308
01:12:29,971 --> 01:12:32,520
That'll be due to wacky blokes
on a big yellow bus.
1309
01:12:34,517 --> 01:12:37,236
It's competition time, and
we 're playing pairs.
1310
01:12:37,395 --> 01:12:39,113
- Sid on line two. Black and..
- Decker.
1311
01:12:39,272 --> 01:12:40,364
- Spick and..
- Span.
1312
01:12:40,523 --> 01:12:41,524
- Hall and..
- Oates.
1313
01:12:41,691 --> 01:12:42,738
- Egg and..
- Bacon.
1314
01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:44,277
Oh, it was gammon!!
1315
01:12:44,443 --> 01:12:46,491
Can I just say, I
think Goredale are awful.
1316
01:12:46,654 --> 01:12:47,826
Yeah, they are bastards.
1317
01:12:47,989 --> 01:12:50,663
That's why I've washed my hands of them.
You know what I say?
1318
01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:56,878
I always say, "What doth it profit a man if
he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?"
1319
01:12:57,915 --> 01:13:00,293
And people seem to like that.
They really do.
1320
01:13:06,257 --> 01:13:08,760
? You're the voice,
try and understand it
1321
01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:11,554
? Make a noise and make it clear
1322
01:13:11,721 --> 01:13:13,849
? Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1323
01:13:14,015 --> 01:13:17,269
? Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!!
1324
01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:22,820
? We're not gonna sit in silence
We're not gonna live with fear
1325
01:13:22,982 --> 01:13:25,110
? Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1326
01:13:25,693 --> 01:13:27,536
It looks like you've
touched a nerve, Pat.
1327
01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:30,995
These are my listeners, Alan,
ordinary working people.
1328
01:13:31,198 --> 01:13:34,998
They're not working, it's the middle of the day.
Unless they're on ?exi-time.
1329
01:13:35,703 --> 01:13:38,798
Oh, look. I used to live in one
of those after my divorce.
1330
01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,500
TV, kitchen - very nice.
1331
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,346
Hey, people, I'm looking
at a picture of Goredale Media.
1332
01:13:45,504 --> 01:13:48,098
Honestly, look at that bunch
of corporate mercenaries.
1333
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,853
What's wrong with doing radio
for the love of radio?
1334
01:13:52,303 --> 01:13:54,897
They would do anything
for 30 pieces of silver.
1335
01:13:56,057 --> 01:14:00,187
You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.
Radio for the love of radio.
1336
01:14:00,394 --> 01:14:03,022
[- Sponsored by Castro].
1337
01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:06,450
Just gonna use the loo.
1338
01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:23,876
- Alan?
- Hi.
1339
01:14:24,043 --> 01:14:26,296
Alan, I want to talk to you.
1340
01:14:27,088 --> 01:14:28,180
Alan?
1341
01:14:52,613 --> 01:14:54,286
Oh, hi, Pat.
1342
01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:56,792
Alan, how did you even get in there?
1343
01:14:56,951 --> 01:15:00,672
Um.. l just removed an aluminium panel.
Slid straight in.
1344
01:15:00,997 --> 01:15:04,342
- Er.. textbook. It's good, isn't it?
- Your voice sounds funny.
1345
01:15:04,542 --> 01:15:08,843
I think the conical shape of the toilet's turned
it into a sort of a compact amphitheatre.
1346
01:15:09,588 --> 01:15:11,841
- It's weird.
- It is, Pat. It's bizarre.
1347
01:15:12,008 --> 01:15:17,640
It is and was a failed escape attempt, a
sort of a Shitshank Redemption, if you will.
1348
01:15:17,805 --> 01:15:20,558
Ah. The Armitage Shank Redemption, eh?
1349
01:15:20,725 --> 01:15:23,774
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!!
I'm laughing like a drain and I'm in one.
1350
01:15:23,978 --> 01:15:26,276
Shake hands, Pat. Friends.
Friends, Pat, friends.
1351
01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,319
Friends? I know what you did,
you fucking snake.
1352
01:15:30,860 --> 01:15:32,578
- "Just sack Pat."
- Huh?
1353
01:15:32,737 --> 01:15:35,081
- You're as bad as the rest of them.
- Pat, be reasonable.
1354
01:15:35,239 --> 01:15:37,958
Before you think of shooting anyone,
just for a second think,
1355
01:15:38,117 --> 01:15:42,543
what would drive a man to incarcerate
himself in the septic tank? It's pathetic.
1356
01:15:43,622 --> 01:15:47,593
- I'm not going to shoot you.
- Thank God for that. That's good news.
1357
01:15:49,628 --> 01:15:51,005
Sweet mother of God, no.
1358
01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:53,307
Oh, angels and saints preserve us!!
1359
01:15:53,466 --> 01:15:55,343
Dear God, let them be firm!!
1360
01:15:57,803 --> 01:15:59,680
Help!!
1361
01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,984
Stop the bus!!
1362
01:16:03,517 --> 01:16:06,270
- What's that?
- It's a septic tank. You can have it.
1363
01:16:48,604 --> 01:16:50,698
Oh.. not again!!
1364
01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,703
Damn gypsies tampered with the sights.
1365
01:17:04,245 --> 01:17:05,588
Trust me, Susan.
1366
01:17:06,622 --> 01:17:08,374
Ow!! Jesus!!
1367
01:17:13,295 --> 01:17:14,763
Suspect is on Cromer..
1368
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,845
You're a fucking clown, Alan.
1369
01:17:59,008 --> 01:18:00,681
Ah. Hi, Pat.
1370
01:18:03,304 --> 01:18:06,478
I trusted you, Alan.
I thought we were friends.
1371
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,438
- But you let me down.
- Well, I..
1372
01:18:08,601 --> 01:18:11,070
- You got me sacked.
- Over here!! Pat!!
1373
01:18:11,228 --> 01:18:12,855
Look!!
1374
01:18:14,064 --> 01:18:16,066
Oh, shit!!
1375
01:18:17,735 --> 01:18:18,782
What was that?
1376
01:18:18,944 --> 01:18:22,619
I think it was supposed to be
some sort of distraction. Yeah.
1377
01:18:22,781 --> 01:18:24,704
- Brave but pointless.
- Excuse me?
1378
01:18:24,867 --> 01:18:26,995
Oh, God, get back inside. Quick, now!!
1379
01:18:27,161 --> 01:18:30,085
- We want to get down there.
- Do you mind? This is an armed stand-off.
1380
01:18:30,247 --> 01:18:31,669
- Where were we?
- I got you sacked.
1381
01:18:31,874 --> 01:18:33,876
- Yeah, you let me down.
- Pat, listen to me.
1382
01:18:34,084 --> 01:18:35,301
- I've got this.
- Pardon?
1383
01:18:35,461 --> 01:18:37,861
- I said, I've got this.
- How long is it going to go on for?
1384
01:18:38,005 --> 01:18:40,007
- Shut up!!
- He's telling you to shut up.
1385
01:18:40,174 --> 01:18:41,676
- Calm down.
- Didn't get that.
1386
01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:43,469
- Too close to your mouth.
- Calm down.
1387
01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:45,636
- It's too close to your mouth!!
- Did you get that?
1388
01:18:45,763 --> 01:18:46,685
What?
1389
01:18:46,847 --> 01:18:50,727
She's saying, if you put your air ri?es
back, you won't be in too much trouble.
1390
01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:53,521
- This is a shotgun.
- This is an air ri?e. That's a shotgun.
1391
01:18:54,313 --> 01:18:56,315
We'll leave you to it.
1392
01:18:56,649 --> 01:18:58,651
I surrender.
1393
01:19:07,326 --> 01:19:08,623
Pat?
1394
01:19:10,913 --> 01:19:12,711
Pat?
1395
01:19:13,582 --> 01:19:16,631
- I brought Molly to this pier.
- Happy times.
1396
01:19:16,835 --> 01:19:18,337
I scattered her ashes here.
1397
01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:19,926
Ah.
1398
01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:22,845
Buried at sea.
1399
01:19:23,717 --> 01:19:25,811
Like Bin Laden.
1400
01:19:26,387 --> 01:19:28,481
And now here we are.
1401
01:19:29,515 --> 01:19:31,267
The circle of life.
1402
01:19:31,475 --> 01:19:33,898
Cirque du Soleil.
1403
01:19:36,897 --> 01:19:38,649
Turn your head away.
1404
01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:40,029
Let's just calm down.
1405
01:19:40,192 --> 01:19:42,160
- Pat, come on.
- Turn your head away.
1406
01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,242
- Pat, listen to me..
- Pat, you're scaring me.
1407
01:19:44,405 --> 01:19:46,783
- I won't ask again.
- Pat, I need you to stay calm.
1408
01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:49,498
Turn your head away.
1409
01:19:51,245 --> 01:19:58,720
? Maybe I didn't love you,
quite as often as I could have
1410
01:19:58,877 --> 01:20:00,220
What are you doing?
1411
01:20:00,379 --> 01:20:08,379
? Maybe I didn't treat you,
quite as good as I should have
1412
01:20:08,846 --> 01:20:10,223
Stop it!!
1413
01:20:10,389 --> 01:20:14,610
? And if I made you feel second best
1414
01:20:15,144 --> 01:20:18,444
? Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
1415
01:20:19,606 --> 01:20:24,157
? But you were always on my mind
1416
01:20:25,404 --> 01:20:29,955
? You were always on my mind
1417
01:20:32,870 --> 01:20:34,588
? Maybe I..
- Pat, are you ready to..
1418
01:20:34,747 --> 01:20:36,841
Shut up, you dick!!
1419
01:20:39,335 --> 01:20:40,678
Pat, what are you doing?
1420
01:20:40,836 --> 01:20:42,679
I want to be with Molly.
1421
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:43,964
What?
1422
01:20:45,924 --> 01:20:47,847
I want to be with Molly.
1423
01:20:49,178 --> 01:20:51,397
- Pat, don't do this.
- Pat, don't do this!!
1424
01:20:51,555 --> 01:20:53,057
Unbelievable.
1425
01:20:53,223 --> 01:20:55,976
- I can't reach the trigger.
- Pat, come on.
1426
01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,983
Would you do it for me?
1427
01:21:04,068 --> 01:21:06,287
Yeah, course I will, mate.
1428
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:09,790
Course I will.
1429
01:21:12,534 --> 01:21:14,332
It's over, Pat.
1430
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:17,457
No more hurting.
1431
01:21:18,374 --> 01:21:19,671
Ow!!
1432
01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:20,959
Aaargh!!
1433
01:21:22,336 --> 01:21:24,680
You fucking idiot!!
1434
01:21:26,507 --> 01:21:27,724
Shit.
1435
01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:32,642
- Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me.
- They've blown me to bits, Lynn.
1436
01:21:33,097 --> 01:21:34,690
I feel cold.
1437
01:21:35,808 --> 01:21:39,062
It's all right, Alan. God is with us.
1438
01:21:39,228 --> 01:21:41,481
We had some mad times, didn't we, Lynn?
1439
01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:45,659
There's some blood coming from my mouth,
Lynn.
1440
01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:49,493
- It's just spit.
- Is it? Oh, yeah.
1441
01:21:49,655 --> 01:21:51,999
- Alan, I'm really sorry.
- It's all right, Pat.
1442
01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:54,251
- You've still got the gun!!
- Aargh!!
1443
01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:59,881
Was I a good man, Lynn?
Was I a kind man?
1444
01:22:00,207 --> 01:22:02,050
Very kind.
1445
01:22:02,209 --> 01:22:06,555
I remember when you were defrosting your
freezer and you gave me all that bacon.
1446
01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:09,011
I'm ready, Lynn.
1447
01:22:09,216 --> 01:22:11,935
I think I'm ready.
1448
01:22:12,094 --> 01:22:14,313
Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull.
1449
01:22:15,013 --> 01:22:17,015
Have you come to take my spirit away?
1450
01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:19,685
Go, gull!!
1451
01:22:21,687 --> 01:22:25,032
Gull.. gull.. gull.
1452
01:22:45,544 --> 01:22:48,013
What are you doing?
I'm watching it ?y off.
1453
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:54,141
It's weird, Lynn.
Yours will be the last face I ever see.
1454
01:22:55,471 --> 01:22:57,690
- Oh, good.
- Hi there. You're gonna be OK.
1455
01:22:57,848 --> 01:23:00,897
- I've been shot in the heart.
- Your heart's there. It's your shoulder.
1456
01:23:01,059 --> 01:23:03,187
No, that.. that's my heart. Ow!!
1457
01:23:03,395 --> 01:23:06,069
- Can I have my job back now?
- Yeah, if you want.
1458
01:23:07,191 --> 01:23:08,909
Always On My Mind
1459
01:23:12,821 --> 01:23:15,540
? Maybe I didn't love you
1460
01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,248
How long have
you been a paramedic?
1461
01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:20,162
- About four years.
- Right.
1462
01:23:20,329 --> 01:23:23,299
And do you start in St John's Ambulance
and then work your way up
1463
01:23:23,457 --> 01:23:25,050
or are they separate organisations?
1464
01:23:25,209 --> 01:23:27,883
- They're separate..
- She can answer for herself, Lynn.
1465
01:23:28,045 --> 01:23:30,468
- They are separate organisations.
- Right.
1466
01:23:30,672 --> 01:23:32,345
- Are you courting?
- Well..
1467
01:23:32,508 --> 01:23:33,555
Not you, Lynn!!
1468
01:23:33,759 --> 01:23:37,730
North Norfolk's best music mix.
1469
01:23:37,930 --> 01:23:40,353
We've had a letter
from Louise in Thetford,
1470
01:23:40,516 --> 01:23:44,817
who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth
of people poking fun at garden gnomes.
1471
01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:49,575
They may be small and strange-faced, but they
bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people."
1472
01:23:49,733 --> 01:23:53,033
Now, that's a letter, once upon a time
I would have found offensively dull.
1473
01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:54,321
- Yeah.
- Not now.
1474
01:23:54,488 --> 01:23:56,911
So maybe everything that happened
has changed you.
1475
01:23:57,074 --> 01:23:58,792
I think I have changed a little bit.
1476
01:23:58,951 --> 01:24:01,329
Well, for my part,
I was a bit worried about my head..
1477
01:24:01,495 --> 01:24:02,712
- Here we go.
- But um..
1478
01:24:02,913 --> 01:24:06,634
- I think I've got a handle on it now.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good joke.
1479
01:24:07,334 --> 01:24:09,757
You've used that joke
about three or four times now.
1480
01:24:09,920 --> 01:24:12,343
- I don't know if you're aware of that.
- I use it too much?
1481
01:24:12,506 --> 01:24:16,010
I wouldn't say that. I just think
we're in that area and.. you know.
1482
01:24:16,176 --> 01:24:18,178
- What about the hat?
- Good for the bin, I reckon.
1483
01:24:18,345 --> 01:24:20,143
- Lose it?
- Yeah.
1484
01:24:20,305 --> 01:24:23,058
But I think, like you say,
you're coming on leaps and bounds..
1485
01:24:23,225 --> 01:24:24,568
and I think, 12 months' time,
1486
01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:27,229
you'll probably have forgotten
there ever was a siege.
1487
01:24:27,396 --> 01:24:29,569
- What siege?
- Er.. exactly. That's good.
1488
01:24:29,731 --> 01:24:32,075
- You haven't really forgotten?
- No.
1489
01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:36,955
OK, time now for our weekly phone call
with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell.
1490
01:24:37,114 --> 01:24:40,038
- It's..
? Ring-ring from Sing-Sing!!
1491
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:43,579
Hello, Pat. Wagwan!!
1492
01:24:43,787 --> 01:24:45,164
Er.. Hi, Alan.
1493
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:48,925
OK, this week's question comes from Sue,
a dental hygienist from Grantham.
1494
01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:52,179
She asks, "Prison time is
often referred to as porridge
1495
01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:57,389
but do they actually serve porridge,
and if so, is it compulsory?"
1496
01:24:57,551 --> 01:25:00,725
Yeah, they serve porridge
but you can have other things.
1497
01:25:00,887 --> 01:25:04,061
Thanks, Pat. We'll have another question
for you next week, until then..
1498
01:25:04,224 --> 01:25:06,147
Keep your nose clean, boy.
1499
01:25:10,897 --> 01:25:13,116
The Number One Song in Heaven
1500
01:25:17,237 --> 01:25:20,116
? It's number one all over heaven
1501
01:25:20,490 --> 01:25:23,414
? It's number one all over heaven
1502
01:25:23,660 --> 01:25:26,630
? It's number one all over heaven
1503
01:25:26,788 --> 01:25:29,962
? The number one song all over heaven
1504
01:25:30,626 --> 01:25:34,631
? If you should die before you awake
1505
01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:41,262
? If you should die while
crossing the street
1506
01:25:43,430 --> 01:25:46,650
? The song that you'll hear, I guarantee
1507
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:51,693
Colby, Philip?
If you guys don't dig the sounds,
1508
01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:53,607
sling us your pod, I'll dock it.
1509
01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:56,326
You won't like it.
1510
01:25:56,652 --> 01:25:59,201
Guys, I dig a lot of stuff.
1511
01:25:59,363 --> 01:26:01,161
A good beat's a good beat.
1512
01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:04,202
All The Wrong Places
1513
01:26:06,119 --> 01:26:08,167
? All the wrong places
1514
01:26:09,915 --> 01:26:12,088
Sorry, not listening to that.
1515
01:26:12,250 --> 01:26:14,799
? It's number one all over heaven
1516
01:26:15,170 --> 01:26:17,923
? It's number one all over heaven
1517
01:26:18,215 --> 01:26:21,094
? It's number one all over heaven
1518
01:26:21,343 --> 01:26:24,597
? The number one song all over heaven
1519
01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:28,692
? The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1520
01:26:31,645 --> 01:26:35,149
? It reaches the earth
and winds all around
1521
01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:41,576
? And then it breaks
up in millions of ways
1522
01:26:43,407 --> 01:26:46,752
? It goes la, la, la, la, la la, la la
1523
01:26:47,202 --> 01:26:50,001
? La, la, la la, la la, la la
1524
01:26:50,330 --> 01:26:53,254
? La, la, la la, la la, la la
1525
01:26:53,500 --> 01:26:56,800
? La, la, la la, la la,
la, la, la, la-la-la
1526
01:26:57,129 --> 01:27:01,100
? Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1527
01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:06,472
For God's sake, if
it's that important..
1528
01:27:06,638 --> 01:27:07,935
All The Wrong Places
1529
01:27:08,098 --> 01:27:10,521
? Toe to toe
1530
01:27:11,059 --> 01:27:13,903
? We all stand tall
1531
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,320
? Row by row
1532
01:27:18,400 --> 01:27:20,698
? All eyes glow
1533
01:27:21,486 --> 01:27:23,739
? Like a rabbit in the headlights
1534
01:27:23,905 --> 01:27:25,703
? Get your head right
1535
01:27:25,866 --> 01:27:28,961
? Start a new life
Shiver in the moonlight
1536
01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:32,293
? You must embrace it cos
if not you'll waste it
1537
01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:36,211
? You're looking for love
in all the wrong places
1538
01:27:41,214 --> 01:27:43,433
? All the wrong places..
1539
01:27:47,971 --> 01:27:49,939
Sorry, that is awful.
1540
01:27:50,098 --> 01:27:52,146
The Number One Song in Heaven
1541
01:27:52,309 --> 01:27:54,027
? ..or soft as a doubt
1542
01:27:57,189 --> 01:28:00,284
? Lyrically weak,
but the music's the thing
1543
01:28:02,861 --> 01:28:05,705
? Gabriel plays it, God,
how he plays it
1544
01:28:06,072 --> 01:28:08,916
? Gabriel plays it, God,
how he plays it
1545
01:28:09,367 --> 01:28:12,120
? Gabriel plays it, God,
how he plays it
1546
01:28:12,537 --> 01:28:15,416
? Gabriel plays it,
let's hear him play it
1547
01:28:28,303 --> 01:28:31,182
? It's number one all over heaven
1548
01:28:31,515 --> 01:28:34,485
? It's number one all over heaven
1549
01:28:34,643 --> 01:28:37,613
? It's number one all over heaven
1550
01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:40,991
? The number one song all over heaven
1551
01:28:41,608 --> 01:28:45,658
? The song filters down,
down through the clouds
1552
01:28:48,281 --> 01:28:52,286
? It reaches the earth and
winds all around
1553
01:28:54,496 --> 01:28:57,625
? And then it breaks up
in millions of ways
1554
01:28:59,543 --> 01:29:02,922
? It goes la, la, la, la, la la, la la
1555
01:29:03,255 --> 01:29:06,099
? La, la, la la, la la, la la
1556
01:29:06,383 --> 01:29:09,307
? La, la, la la, la la, la la
1557
01:29:09,553 --> 01:29:12,932
? La, la, la la, la la, la,
la, la, la-la-la
1558
01:29:13,390 --> 01:29:17,020
? Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit
1559
01:29:19,437 --> 01:29:23,237
? And in your home it becomes
advertisements
1560
01:29:26,069 --> 01:29:31,542
? And in the streets it becomes
children singing
1561
01:29:31,908 --> 01:29:36,038
? Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1562
01:29:37,372 --> 01:29:42,469
? Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1563
01:29:44,379 --> 01:29:48,759
? Ooh, la, la, la, la, la
1564
01:29:50,802 --> 01:29:55,899
? Ooh, la, la, la, la, la..
1565
01:29:55,924 --> 01:30:25,924
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