Original subtitles

So let, let me get this straight.

So you're saying that the Lord put me on your heart

to help me with my campaign?

Ha ha!

Honey, yes, I accept!

I'm not turnin' down no blessing!

Thank you so much!

I look forward to it! Bye bye!

Oh my goodness!

Ooh, let's see!

Hm... yeah...

All right!

Oh!

I got some moves!

What's up with this unspeakable joy?

And these unspeakable dance moves, girl?

Oh, my God!

- Look, I'm so excited. - What?

That was Donna LaRue, my new bestie.

- Okay. - She's new in town,

- and she's new to the church. - Okay.

She gonna help me with my campaign.

She wanna help me be president

of the church's board of directors.

Ha ha!

Girl!

Only one person could make me lose control

- of my body like that. - Who?

Willie Jenkins.

He taught a dance class

in the back of a chicken joint in the '70s.

Had me limber like a chicken wing with mild sauce.

Oh my goodness!

Okay, hold on, now.

Is this Donna LaRue of the LaRue Cookie chain?

Oh my goodness, the one who makes those,

ooh, uh, uh, uh, shortbread butter pecan cream cheese--

oh my goodness--apple fritter pound cake cookies?

Yes, that's her, that's her.

I think I just gained 10 pounds.

It did not stop at ten.

That's my new bestie. That is my new bestie.

But the thing is, is I love that she's a successful woman

and she's willing to elevate another woman.

Isn't that nice?

Doesn't hurt that she's rich too.

Well, I'm not checking into her riches or nothing, you know?

Oh, let me check for you, dear.

I'll look her up on, uh, Old, Young,

Gifted, Black and Rich website.

You know what?

It's not even about the money, Ms. Anastasia.

It's about us as Black women just elevating each other

and lifting each other up and encouraging each other.

That's what it's all about!

You are so right, Cora. So right.

Now, come on, now, Ms. Future Madam President!

Ooh, wait! Now, hold on.

Other than giving us some free cookies,

now what's your first order of business?

My first order of business for my upcoming campaign event

is to take down that opponent of mine, that Lyin' Louise.

Okay, well, so much for lifting each other up.

Now I'm intrigued.

Why is she called Lying Louise?

'Cause her name is Louise and she's always lying.

Wait a minute, now.

Is that the one who brought those Mattie pies

to the church bake sale

and tried to pass them off as her own?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh!

Yep, yes, it is. That, that is her.

How she gonna do Miss Mattie Mabel like that

and her Mattie pies?

Isn't that sad? That's terrible!

You know what? Ladies, hold on.

Speaking of sweets,

we need to, uh, do something nice,

like a fruit basket or something

for the assisted facility across the street.

They've been having some break-ins.

Yes, I heard about that, and that is terrible.

That explains why Mr. Brown bought the case of pepper spray

and a box of tasers and signed us all up

for self-defense classes.

Mm-hmm, 'cause that Louise is gonna need some self-defense.

Uh oh!

After I bring her this beatdown from this campaign!

Yeaa, boo! . I'm like, come on, baby!

I've got it! I've got it!

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Oh, there you go.

Cora, did anybody call you from the Senior Men's Choir yet?

No, why would they be calling me?

Uh, as the new president of the board,

we're gonna need you to, uh, authorize the funds

for us to do our new mixtape.

- Don't start that, Mr. Brown. - What?

Cora, we need to lay down some new tracks.

Ever since we let Brother Jameson go,

we gotta lay down a new mixtape 'cause

his oversized dentures used to be whistling

on all the other tracks.

He would sing--

♪ Ama--zing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

- Mr. Brown! - Messed up all the tracks.

That is terrible! Don't do that.

And don't have nobody else calling me, Mr. Brown!

That's not proper protocol.

I haven't even won the election yet!

Oh, Cora, you know you're gonna win.

And I know everybody, everybody know you gonna win.

You gonna win that by a mudslide.

I think you mean landslide.

- Regardless... - Yes, whatever.

What needs to be protected is the democratic process

must have her way and be protected

from voter suppression and subversion

by unscrupulous constituents...

- Mm. - Who you callin' consti--

You lookin' at me, callin' me a "constitch"?

- Cora, I ain't no constitch. - Mr. Brown, don't do that.

No, Mr. Reginald. You know, the thing is,

- if I win this election, - Hmm.

I wanna make a difference--

to my community, to my church.

You know, you've been in a powerful position before.

Can you just give me some pointers?

Give me some tips?

Much of the success of an office

rests on the character of the person who holds it.

Now, you just choose to do the best for all involved,

- and you'll do fine. - Thank you, Mr. Reginald.

That was sweet. That was nice.

That's why you was in a powerful position.

- Uh, Cora? - What?

Your phone is blowing up over here.

What, it is?

You don't got a new man or something?

No, Mr. Brown! I don't have no new man.

My phone blowing up now.

What is everybody talking about?

What?1 I missed my campaign event?

Mr. Brown, look, my campaign thing

is not for another two days.

See, see? Look at this invitation.

It say, "The Women of Distinction Brunch

with Cora Simmons..."

Is today!?

Oh! What? What are they talking about?

Cora, you missed your event!

- No I-- - You a liar, you gotta--

- Come on, Cora, fix your hair! - Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Do your makeup!

No, matter of fact, don't do your makeup.

I'll do it. Come on, Cora!

No, we gotta go, go--

Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?

You get the door, I'll drive!

What is going on?

- Oh my god! - What's going on?

It's alright, sit down.

Cora missed the event!

She not gonna be president.

No, my campaign thing-- they said--the people that--

the invitation said that they went to the...

They went to the event, and they,

they realized that there wasn't an event,

and everybody came and left, Mr. Brown!

Maybe they'll "impeachech" you.

How could somebody do this?

No. Now, that date just

couldn't just magically change on its own.

Okay, all right, I really appreciate it.

Thank you, just, just let me know what happens.

Bye bye.

What did she say?

She said she gonna try to figure out what's happening,

and then she asked me if I--

if she could go to the mayor's reception with me.

She wanna be my plus one.

- Mm... - Yeah.

- Cora... - She wanna do damage control.

Now, something about this don't seem right.

I, I don't have a good feeling.

Girl, you, you right.

It does sound a little strange.

But you know, that Louise, you know,

- her event was this week also. - Hmm...

And I heard she didn't have that many RSVPs.

Hmm...

So she may have sabotaged my date

just so she could bring hers up!

Lyin' Louise.

Clear!

Clear!

Clear!

Oh, someone spotted!

Oh my gosh!

Boy, what you trying to do? Give me a heart attack?

Trying to make me wear Depends?

How'd you get up so fast.

'Cause I'm fast like that.

Girl, you almost got sprayed in the face.

Now, that's not usually the reaction I get

when I enter a room. Why are you two so jumpy?

- You ain't hear? - No.

There was another break-in

at the assisted living facility across the street.

Yeah, and this old lady

that used to be a gangster rapper back in the day?

They ripped her gold-plated dentures

right out of her mouth!

Yeah, and this guy get pistol whipped

in a motorized scooter jacking.

Yeah, I just spoke to the facility manager

across the street. Now, none of that happened,

but the thieves are still at large.

It's enough we have to deal with--sagging skin,

cellulite, and dying before the next episode of...

Oh, that reminds me.

You're right,

we shouldn't have to worry about crime sprees

and people sticking us up for our papers.

What do you mean, sticking up for--

Man, I thought you had my back.

Well, he too dark. He just popped up!

What are you guys talking about papers and sticking up?

What does that even mean?

It means hide your valuables, hide your cash.

Hide your drip, hide your ice.

Hide your mama, hide all of your stuff!

You're talking about the misfortune

that happened to the other facility, huh?

My prayers are with them.

But, but, but!

There's an African proverb that says,

"One who causes another person's misfortune

"also teaches them wisdom,

"because in all things, even the bad,

there's always something to be learned."

I know he said something profanity, but he...

I don't get it.

- African proverb... - Yeah, yeah.

- It was real profound. - Yeah, yeah, yeah...

The two of you are very useless.

You did a good job installing

the surveillance camera system, man.

You really know what you're doing, huh?

I couldn't even see the wires.

It's, uh...

It's a wireless system, Dad.

- I knew that. Shut up. - Right.

Well, ain't nothing getting past that baby.

I mean, it's got sirens, night vision,

uh, facial recognition, and dual audio.

Nice. Well, let's give it a test run.

All right, but just, just be smooth.

What you mean, be smooth? I'm always smooth.

Get out of here.

I mean, we know how you get around electronics

and just things that light up in general.

Just think back to decades and decades and decades ago

when you were young, right?

And you saw a nice-lookin' lady for the first time.

Hey, man, you wanna get me in trouble?

No, before Mom, right?

You used to be cool, right?

Less thirsty?

Well, do that now.

Hey... cutie.

Nice shoes on.

Like it here?

Don't be a creep.

Just sign in.

And whatever you do, don't hit the red--

Oh!

- What did I do? - You hit the red button--

the button I told you not to hit.

Man, you should've said it faster!

Okay, how can we protect ourself

when the security system is making us blinder and deafer?

I found this on the front yard while I was taking my walk.

Somebody's been posting them all over town.

I'm sorry, Cora.

No.

They didn't even spell her name right!

What it say? What it say?

"Cora Brown"-- that ain't her name!

Why would somebody wanna do that?

Why would somebody wanna do that!?

- Man. - çLeah sighs]

Before our self-defense class begins,

I just wanted to check in with everybody

after the crazy week we've had...

Does Cora's campaign opponent still claim

she has nothing to do with the signs

or involvement in the event sabotage?

Yeah, that's her story. She's sticking to it.

But Philip and I, we drove around town

and grabbed as many signs as we could.

Yeah, and I started a hashtag, #SingingDivaForPresident,

on my Ding Dong account.

Bravo, but I have an Epsom salt bath waiting.

Where's the instructor?

Come forward!

I'm your instructor for today.

"Ohhh" what?

Somebody wanna be whooped early?

I didn't say anything.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Cora.

I just wanna thank everybody

for all your love and support,

well, on everything, and...

But, you know, I'm, I'm fine.

And, uh, I'll be--I'll be fine.

Really, I'm... I'm really fine.

That's a lot of "I'm fines."

It's like one more "I'm fine"

before she lays hands on somebody.

Good to see you in better spirits, Cora.

Oh, thank, thank you so much, Mister, Mr. Reginald.

Oh...

I didn't wanna miss the self-defense class.

So!

I will be your instructor for today

to teach you self-destruction!

So if you and you want to learn my technique, come follow me.

Okay.

You are here today

because you

can't defend yourself.

I'm going to teach you techniques

taught to me by Grand Master Kung Fu Brotha!

I will teach you techniques

that if someone went up to you and say,

"Give me your Social Security check!"

you will be able to defend yourself today.

Now, watch and learn.

Someone steps to you, you--first thing is you must stomp!

Stomp!

The next thing, slap the taste out of their mouth!

Slap it!

Now choke it!

Now put it together!

Stomp!

Slap!

Choke!

Stomp, slap, choke!

Now we must put a twist on it.

- When you choke, grind it! - Oh!

Stomp, slap, choke!

Stomp, slap, choke!

Now, I want to show you how to grind on the groin!

Grind the groin!

You must first go to the left.

Go to the left.

Now knee to groin.

Now go to the right.

Go to the right.

Now knee to groin!

Knee it! Knee it!

Go nuts! Go nuts! Go nuts!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Wait.

Cora, you gettin' carried away.

- You mad at something? - Mm-hmm.

Stomp, slap, choke.

Stomp, stomp, stomp, choke!

Okay, okay, champ.

Hey, you might wanna channel some of that energy

into giving Lying Louise a dose of her own medicine.

You know, I got some dudes from the low end

that could come up here, go to her event,

turn that mother out!

Hard pass.

Hard pass, y'all.

'Cause right now, I don't know what to do.

Just gonna have to let the Lord just guide me.

Yes, when they go low, you don't go lower.

The best revenge is to keep

your self-respect and dignity, huh?

Because you know in all--

All things, yes, in all things, even bad,

- there's a lesson to learn. - Exactly.

That sounds good right now. That sounds real good.

You always got to use these Africanisms?

My friend, don't hate, huh?

Come, I'll teach you some Africanism.

I'll make you African.

I don't want to learn.

Ooh, Leah, this...

This is hard. This is hard.

I know, Cora.

I'm so sorry.

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah, I understand.

I don't... I do.

But I don't think that's what's best.

I tell you what.

I'll let you know what I decide, okay?

All right, I'll call you back.

Thanks, bye.

Let me guess, your campaign manager?

Yup.

She thinks I should just... bow out gracefully.

What?

Maybe she's right.

Mm-hmm...

Okay, what else do we know?

Lying Louise drives a Mercedes-Benz,

wears designer clothes and shoes,

but everything is old and ratty.

The woman hasn't been shopping since the eighties.

One of my honeys, who works at the bank,

said that she saw Louise arguing with a teller

over--about her overdraft account.

So Lyin' Louise is having money problems.

What else do we have?

Well, when I went out to get an oil change,

I saw that old Mercedes up there,

and she had the letters "LL" engraved in the seats.

"Lyin' Louise."

Lyin' Louise isn't her real name,

so why would she have that engraved in her seats?

That's just what some of the ladies at the church call her...

Hm.

Small homemade batches with natural ingredients

like butter, brown sugar, and vanilla.

I will investigate further!

LaRue Cookies, huh? Enjoy them while you can.

The company's going belly up--bankrupt!

Assets frozen and seized.

Officers and board members being investigated for fraud,

corruption, tax evasion, you name it.

Mm!

Someone get me Lyin' Louise's real name.

Hold up, what kind of investigation are we doing

when we don't even know the name of the person we investigating?

We're not investigators. We are fixers.

We fix things.

We fix ourselves and we fix other people.

That's what we do.

That's who we are...

Guys, guys, guess what?

Hey...

What is it, Philip?

Are y'all supposed to be gladiators?

What is it, Philip?

We're in the middle of a meeting.

A really important meeting.

Okay, well, hold up.

I had a substitute teacher today.

And guess what she brought to class as a treat.

Donuts?

I guess pizza.

Wings of a chicken.

Guys, guys, guys, stop guessing.

It was a rhetorical question.

She brought a box of LaRue Cookies.

So her name was Miss Louise,

but guess what her real name was?

Louise LaRue.

I knew it!

Those schemin', lyin', conniving--

Okay! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, look, check this out.

Even though the surveillance system

went crazy the other day,

cameras were still recording.

And guess what the front camera caught?

- Oh! - Wow...

Let me guess--

Donna and that Lyin' Louise LaRue.

Yeah, they put those nasty campaign signs out.

- So you knew? - Yes, I knew.

The Lord put it on my heart to give Donna a call, you know,

and show her some compassion, and I did.

And she just started tellin' me everything.

Her and her evil sister were in cahoots the whole time!

Yeah.

Donna figured if Louise won the election,

she could control the finances and meet the right people

and get back on her feet again.

Well, thankfully, Cora, the day has been saved and handled.

So, does this mean you're the new president of the board?

Well, I guess so, by default.

No, no, no, Cora, you took the high road.

So if God blessed you with that, it is not default.

It is by God's design.

I guess you're right, Efe.

You know what?

Hey, y'all. Let's celebrate!

I've got to tell y'all somethin' that's been on--

Oh, you already done set up a board.

I'mma tell you this, Cora, 'cause I love you,

and I done figured this out for you.

I done figured out who been savage-tagin'

and slayin' your name, Cora.

- Sab-sabotaging... - Whatever!

Cora, look right here! You already got it up.

Okay, this right here is Louise Jefferson.

Louise Jefferson is really Louise LaRue!

Jefferson was her ex-husband's last name.

He gone on to be with Dolores.

- Oh, Dolores? - Dolores?

I don't know if he was a Christian or whatever,

so I just say Dolores in case he was going down to...

That's right.

So she is really Donna's sister!

- Really? - Yeah!

You know what we'd call you in Africa?

What?

JJC--Johnny Just Come.

We've run this disease!

Yes, we already know!

You know what we'd call you in America?

- What? - Shut up!

You don't know nothin'.

Come here again!