Original subtitles

Ooh!

Good morning, Mr. Brown.

Oh, it couldn't be much gooder unless I was in heaven!

Be gooder for all of us if you're already there.

You know, Reggie, the closer you gon' ever get to heaven

is probably standing next to me

and you not about to ruin my good day.

Not today.

My friend, why are you here, huh?

I didn't know you were such a morning person, Mr. Brown.

I am today.

Oh, it wasn't till he laid eyes on my teacher.

Oh.

And if she isn't blind,

maybe that'd be all he'll lay on her.

Okay, now let's get this straight.

She not just some old teacher.

She's a sophisticated lady.

Yeah, she teaches the love language.

French.

Mr. Brown, what do you know about French

beside fries and toast and baguettes?

What'd you just call me?

My point exactly.

He doesn't have to know about French fries or France

- to have a crush. - Yeah.

Ms. Parks is very beautiful.

She fly, as the kids say, she fly.

Okay, all right, that's nasty.

And smart.

You're shopping in the right section.

Having a world-travelled lover is a blessing.

Yeah, she's travelled locally all over the state.

Well, I think it's cute.

You know, I used to speak a little French myself.

Oh, parle-vous Français?

Si, señor.

That's Spanish.

Oh.

Potato, potahto.

You know, for a long time,

I thought my third husband could speak it

because, during the heat of the moment,

he would always scream, "Oui, oui, oui!"

Then I found out it was just because

he had to get up to use the pot.

Ms. Anastasia always so nasty.

And that's what makes her delightful.

Oh, today I came to chauffer the young buck to school.

I'ma ask her out on a second date.

Yep. And I'ma ask her in French.

See, I know a little French.

'voulez-vous vous cher avec quoi ces moi...

- Ces... hmm? - Ma, Ma, Ma, no.

That's horrible.

And that means, will you sleep with me tonight?

- That's nasty. - Boy.

How you know that?

I'm not a kid anymore, okay?

It was a crazy night.

Let's just say that saying worked, you know what I mean?

- Relax woman! Relax! - Philip! Boy!

- You--woman? - Get her, get her, get her!

You better get him.

Look, look, look, I just had to analyze

a French song for class, that's it.

- Can we go now? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, don't forget your breakfast, Philip.

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, Ma.

You been saying that all week, Philip.

Oh, that's 'cause he said he don't like your cooking.

No, I didn't.

- You did say that. - No, I didn't...

Is that right? Is that so?

- No, I never said that. Go. - Goodbye.

Why would you say that? Why would you do that?

Why would you say that?

Ugh, I'm sorry, Mr. Reginald, here you go.

- Thanks. - I like your cooking.

Thank you, Efe. Eat up.

Oh, let me get you some more syrup.

Hold on, one sec.

♪ No matter what you do I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Yeah, assuming that no crane is approaching.

So...

Okay, hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.

You are now looking at a soon-to-be hitched man.

I found my Gladys Knight to my Pips,

my sweet to my sour,

and my pigs to my blanket.

And if you slip up,

the milk in another man's coffee.

I have you to know she said yes to me.

Oh. Oh, wow.

You proposed?

No, ain't nobody desperate.

I'm gonna propose on the third date.

How exciting. My almost seventh husband

proposed to me on our second date

from a hot air balloon, and then it popped.

There's a $10,000 engagement ring

floating in the Atlantic.

I'm trying to pick between these two ensembles.

What y'all think?

One looks like a peacock

and the other one looks like a pineapple.

They're both perfect.

You are taking her to the circus, hmm?

I have you to know

I have a resurrection to Foo-Foo-My-Boo.

- Do you mean "reservation"? - Yes.

And "Faux Faux Moi Beux"?

You're going all out.

A co-star from Blackula Goes to France

took me there once.

Later that night, he had me dress up

like a French maid and I polished his pipe.

Stop being nasty.

Oh, you know, for the first time,

I'm feeling so nerveless.

Oh, just be yourself.

Well, that's sure to sink his chances.

Mr. Brown.

Remember she is a human being just like you.

Sure.

Like my late mother used to say,

"She squats to pee and she eats corn like the hens."

What?

Mr. Brown.

Just put on a nice suit and tie.

Go to that restaurant and enjoy your date.

Yeah, so, and take this with you

because, when she leaves, never to be seen again,

you have something to cry into.

Shut up.

I got a date. I don't wanna be late.

It's gonna be great.

What is this?

You see this? That's mold.

That stinks.

It look like plates with dried-up food on it.

It is, from underneath your bed.

This is, like, three plates of my home-cooked food, boy,

that I slaved in the kitchen over.

You know how much time this took me?

Not much.

- What's up, babe? - Mm-mm.

Go over there and talk to your son.

Mm-hmm.

Did you get kicked out of PE class again?

What? No.

No. No, no, he left plates of food

underneath his bed, plates!

Man, that's why your room smell like a dead animal.

Why would you do that?

Oh, that's what you wanna do?

We gonna do that? Okay. Okay.

It's the same reason you took me out to eat last week

so you could say that we ate already when we got home.

- Nah. Nah. No. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I said that 'cause we both was hungry

and couldn't wait, remember?

Oh, yeah, we did that. I don't remember being that hungry.

Okay, then why did you buy extra food

so we could have leftovers for the next day?

- Is that right? - Is that right?

- No, it's wrong. - Oh, it's wrong.

Oh, it's wrong, okay.

Okay, explain to me what you meant

when you said, wait, what'd you say?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Her chicken tastes like wood."

No, no, that was a song.

That's an old-school song, man.

Come on, man, you know I love your mother's cooking.

Okay. Yeah, well, at least that makes one of us.

You know what,

Mr. I Don't Eat My Momma's Food?

You do the cooking around here every day

until I say otherwise, okay?

Okay, I accept that challenge.

And, you, leftovers?

I'll deal with you later.

Nah, he lying.

Is it ready yet, Philip?

Uh, one sec... Yep, yep, uh,

kitchen, gourmet kitchen is now open.

Ooh, it's smelling good in here.

Yeah, that's my secret sauce.

Please, have a seat, have a seat.

Oh, okay, I get to have a seat.

I can't wait to taste this.

What I have prepared for you today

is something I like to call

spaghetto and ballers, okay?

You got a slice of garlic bread there.

And, uh, oh...

cannot forget the fresh triple-filtered H2O.

Wow, Philip, this is amazing.

Oh, my gosh. Mmm.

How long did it take you to cook this?

What time is it?

Probably about 30 minutes, give or take

a couple of hours.

Boy, let me tell you something.

I would pay money for this, okay?

I would too.

No, okay, where did you learn how to burn like this, boy?

What can I say? It's all natural.

Call me Chef Boy-Are-P.

Okay, okay.

Oh!

That store was crazy.

- Yes, it was. - Oh, Mr. Brown.

You look so nice.

- You like that? - Oh, yeah.

It's not me. It's Him.

- It's Him living in me. - Oh, come on. Amen.

Shining bright like a diamond.

- Yes. - Yes. Be lookin' at me.

Oh, man, well, what's all this?

Oh, all this is so Ms. Parks can marry me.

I'm gonna decorate the dining room table.

I would help cook,

but I think that's what killed my second husband.

Lord have mercy. Mr. Brown, I gotta get out of here, okay?

But I told them I would lead choir rehearsal tonight.

So put those flowers in a vase.

And be yourself tonight, all right?

- Okay. All right. - That's your well-behaved side

only.

Y'all have a good evening! I'll talk to y'all later!

Mm, mm, mmm.

Mm, Philip, baby.

- This was so good. - Thank you.

Jeremy and I are about to go to the movies.

Wait, wait, y'all going where?

To the movies.

Well, who gonna be here to help me?

I can't make no French food.

You know what? I have the perfect person for you.

Mr. Brown, they are well-versed in international cuisines,

introducing Mr. Chef Boy-Are-P.

No, I couldn't. I really couldn't. Nah.

Oh, baby, stop it!

That food was so good!

It wasn't that good. She's overexaggerating.

Mediocre at best.

Mr. Brown, who you gonna listen to, me or him?

Okay, I told you the food was good now.

- Listen. - I'm the one that made it,

so ...

I don't know why you being so modest.

Look. Mr. Brown, check this out.

I don't know why you being so humble, Philip.

Look at this.

- Shut up! - Mm-hmm.

- You cooked that? - Mm-hmm.

- What? - Yes.

Got your chef, don't you?

Let's make a menu. Let's make a menu...

Y'all have fun in the kitchen. Bye, baby.

Tear down now!

All right, now.

Is this your secret sauce?

Huh? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Measuring cup, measuring cup.

Uh. Yeah, that look about right.

Don't add too much flour to the roux

or it'll be thick like your grandma's hair grease.

What website is this?

Chef Boy-Are-P, just checking on you.

- You good? - Yeah.

Good, we good, we good.

Think we gonna be ready?

Man, what is my name?

Chef Boy-Are-P.

Yeah, come on now, of course we gonna be ready.

- I'm counting on you. - I got you, I got you.

You'll be the reason I get married.

Don't put that on me Mr. Brown.

No, go ahead.

I hope you gonna be ready.

Leroy.

You, I didn't know you was this funny.

Yes, ding, look at that.

It was so lovely of you to offer to cook for me, Leroy.

Well, thank you, oui, oui,

that's what I do-do.

And I see we have croissants, brioche, baguettes.

Oh, and sliced white bread.

- Ah, I noticed that. - Yeah, yeah.

I grew up on that.

Shut up, you grew up on sliced white bread?

With spam.

What?

Okay, you were lucky 'cause we didn't have no spam.

- We had mustard. - Oh.

And mayonnaise and syrup.

You ever ate a ketchup sandwich?

No, but if I had known you rolled like that,

we could've gone down to Heart Burn Burger Shack.

Girl, we might be a match made in heaven after all.

Did you know etouffee means smother in French?

Well, I'm gonna etouffee you.

Excuse me while I go check on my masterpiece.

I'll be right back. "Smother"

And the woman's feet were so big,

the man would not rent her skates

unless she purchased liability insurance.

Her feet were big like scuba flippers.

Excuse me.

Who invited the circus clowns?

Oh, Leroy, be nice.

Your friends had me in stitches.

If they don't leave, they gonna need stitches.

I enjoyed their company in your absense.

Okay, I'm back.

Y'all can show us your absence.

Let me see your absense.

Efe here is quite the ham.

I'm very funny.

When a woman calls you a piece of meat,

that's a compliment.

He asked me how it feels to be in a room

with hard heads all day.

She must feel the way we do with you, Mr. Brown.

There is nothing more gratifying than shaping young minds.

Oh, Leroy, this food smells so good.

Are you gonna share the love, Mr. Brown?

Yes, with Mrs. Brown. I mean, Ms. Parks.

You know, they're on a date.

We really shouldn't impose anymore than...

- Right! - Not imposing at all.

Please join us.

Oh, since you twisted our arms.

Efe, Efe, come get the chairs.

- Okay, okay. - You're so nice.

No, I'm not. You shouldn't have.

No, really, you shouldn't have.

You're wonderful.

Bon appetit!

I've never seen anything quite like it.

What is it called again?

It's Mr. Brown's signature etouffee.

Yes. Uh, let us pray.

Lord, I thank you for having Ms. Kimberly here with me

for this beautiful romantic dinner

for two!

I pray that you would soften my heart

for these uninvited, unwanted, unwanted people.

Please, right now, they know not what they do.

So let them know how unwanted they are

right here, and everybody said amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

God has a sense of humor with Leroy.

Tastes like etou-fake.

Does anybody want my left kidney?

I don't think I'm going to make it.

It's a unique version of etouffee.

My taste buds are definitely adjusting.

I hope you're serving a pack of TUMS for dessert.

What's your signature ingredients

if you don't mind me asking?

Heartburn, indigestion with a touch of salmonella,

and it all marinated in sewage.

Mr. Brown, you need to add

magician to your recipe

'cause you know how to make people disappear.

This a required taste.

You just gotta require it. You just take...

You don't like it?

You don't like it, do you?

Oh, see, when our reservation got cancelled,

I just wanted to make the day special for you

and now it's ruined.

You not gonna marry--

Hey!

Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown, how was the food?

What you mean, how was the food?

What you put in there? Eboli?

All you had to do was follow the recipe on the Intranet.

That's all you had to do.

And I did,

then I did what every chef does

and I eyeballed the measurements.

If this my last date with Ms. Parks,

- boy, if-- - It won't be, Mr. Brown.

Ms. Parks, glad to see you're still breathing.

Barely.

Philip, what a pleasant surprise.

Well, it won't be as pleasant when you find out

I'm the reason you'll probably be

too scared to eat etouffee ever again.

Let me introduce you to the Chef Boy-Are-P.

The "P" is for poison.

Well, I am flattered

that you two went to all of this trouble,

but it really wasn't necessary.

Yeah, you'd probably be better off if we didn't.

Uh, I say we finish our date

at the Heart Burn Burger Shack

if you up for it.

That sounds wonderful.

Say what?

- That's a yes? - That's a yes.

- Like, you gonna go... - I'm gonna go.

- Really? - With you.

I'ma go grab my coat.

I'ma get my coat.

Shut up!

Hey, so I know I almost took you out there...

- Mm-hmm. - But, uh,

I kinda told my parents I aced the last exam,

so I was hoping you wouldn't tell them I bombed it.

I promise if you promise

to fix your culinary skills.

Deal.

And also do homework on Friday night.

Ah, we already shook on it. It's done.

I heard it didn't go too well this evening.

Yeah, the closest to French I ever wanna be

is a kiss.

Boy.

It's not fun being criticized

after putting in all that hard work in the kitchen

is it?

I mean, I haven't been cooking for 30 years

like you, but you're right.

It didn't feel good.

Mm-hmm, see,

your momma knows how to throw down in the kitchen.

But with all the residents, baby,

sometimes I just have to get food on the table.

- I understand. - Mm-hmm.

I mean, sorry for being insensitive.

It's really hard work.

I appreciate the things you do.

Oh, it's okay, baby.

I think you learned a valuable lesson.

Yep, stay away from French food.

Italian too. This belong to you?

Baby, what are you doing with the garbage?

Are those takeout food containers?

Boy, you didn't cook that food.

Yeah, I didn't cook that.

Philip, ooh, I knew you couldn't do it.

I knew it! I knew it had the right amount of oregano.

It had the right amount of Italian seasoning.

I knew you didn't do it, Philip.

Wait, wait, what do you mean you knew I couldn't do it?

That's traumatizing for a kid.

My mom don't believe in me. That's what I just heard.

It means that you're way too lazy

to put that much love and effort into something

the way she does.

And you need to start showing some appreciation.

- You're right, Dad. - I know.

And I learned that lesson the hard way.

Hey, and I heard you almost gave your favorite teacher

an early grave.

Glad you learned your lesson.

Yeah, Dad, did you learn your lesson?

Are you gonna stop sneaking Chickadee Chick in here?

Mm, yeah, Jeremy, did you learn your lesson?

Yeah, Dad, did you learn your lesson?

Shut up.

Wow, so this is what we gonna do now?

You don't believe in me and you just gonna tell me...

Okay, okay, because I hate this family.

- So dramatic. - Mm! Mm!

So, yeah, the chicken thing...

My stomach is still abusing me.

Hey! I think I got it!

- Got what? - The recipe.

My taste buds died last night.

Brown, stay out of the kitchen forever!

We don't want any more of your weapons of gas destruction.

Y'all don't wanna taste it?

I think I might be a magician.

Stand up like that, that's thick.