Original subtitles

Morning, Daddy.

Can I borrow your car tonight?

I wanna take Chilecia out on a date.

What's wrong with the car me and your mother got you?

No, it's great.

It's just, how do you say, incomplete.

It got four wheels and an engine, right?

Yeah, but it doesn't have rims

and a real stereo system like yours.

'Cause you ain't got no real job like me.

Really, Dad?

Yes, really. Look, man,

a man's house is his castle

and his ride is his chariot.

And the only way you touching my ride is if you buy it.

That's cool.

Nah, nah, that's facts.

Ain't that what young people say?

Yeah, like five years ago.

Look, if you wanna have nice rims

and a booming system,

then you need to get a J to the O to the B

and buy it yourself.

All right? Now, a part-time gig

would be good for you,

teach you the value of a dollar.

Oh, everybody know that.

Uh, hundred pennies, I think.

Oh, if you want a job,

they hiring down at Blue Beard's Fish and Chips.

- Really? Thanks, Mr. Brown. - Yeah.

Oh, no, you don't have to thank me.

Just make sure you hook me up with your family discount.

'Cause they are Pirate Plank, Pirate Plank...

Why y'all looking at me like that?

Y'all say it. You can't say it either.

- Pirate Plank Platter. - Pirate Plank Platter.

So what? They hush puppies good.

You dip them in that sauce

like y'all better than somebody else.

What you doing?

So Lexis has just spilled the tea

that Nay-Nay's secret bo is a married man.

Efe, are you watching one of those reality housewife shows?

I was just coming, I turned the channel

and then it... I don't watch trash TV.

You know lying lips is Obama's nations to the Lord.

Are you trying to say "abomination"?

You should read a book sometime.

Okay, but I have needs.

This show, I love it.

I'm so ashamed of you.

I'm ashamed that you didn't tell me!

That's my jam!

I watch it all the time.

Look at this. And then

the girl she trying to like,

she dating somebody that's a African prince.

Ain't nobody ever seen him.

Don't mind her, she's acting like she has a real romance.

It is fake! Fake!

This show right here, it can be addictive.

- Everybody watches it. - Yeah.

Can you imagine how much the producers are making?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes, that your outfit is ridiculous!

No, yours is not too hot itself.

No, look, wait.

We should have our own reality show!

Yes!

And we can use this location, the Pleasant Days facility.

Okay, instead of the housewives being our stars,

the residents can be our stars right here.

We need a catchy name.

Wait, it gotta be something good.

The Real Old People of Atlanta!

Yes, we about to be rich!

I'ma making it rain, I'm just gonna make it rain.

- Chief Efe has come. - Yeah, yeah.

Chief Efe.

Fine dining.

Let's do...

Walk like rich people.

♪ No matter what you do I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Efe, are you all right?

Oh, yes.

I'm looking for my glasses.

But you don't wear glasses.

Maybe that's why I can't find them.

It's so delightful.

Great Jewish piece.

Y'all sound like y'all having a good time.

Yeah, ooh.

Anastasia, I'm surprised you even wanna talk to Reg

after what he said about you.

What I said?

- Well, yes. - About her?

Yes, what you said.

That's about her.

Darling, darling, Anastasia, darling,

you know you can't trust what Mr. Brown says.

I certainly do, darling.

But what did you say about me?

Well, what he said was

to be such a famous actor,

your performance was like a two-by-four.

"It was wooden and stiff," is what he said.

Oh, I did not...

You are lying. You did.

- I did not say that... - You lying.

Not exactly.

But what did you say?

Well, I said that, uh,

your performance in your film, The Hangry Games,

perhaps wasn't your best work.

The nerve of him.

Anastasia, you Anastasia Devereaux

of stage and film.

Yes, you are. You should be applauded.

You should tell him, "Put some respeck on my name!"

Tell him, "Who you think you is?"

Who do you think you are, Reginald?

No, that's too proper. You gotta get sista-like.

"Who you think you are?"

Roll your neck and pull some air.

Pull the air.

Now say, "Who you think you is?"

"Who you think you is, Reginald?"

No, get wild. "Who you think you is?"

"Who you think you is, Reginald?"

I meant no harm, darling.

Oh, really, Reggie? What you do?

Take them and put them in a drawer somewhere?

What, you just hide them out or something?

You done hid them?

To what are you referring?

Your balls.

I'm trying to get you to just emphastate.

You gonna just let her just sit there

and talk to you like that at your own dinner table?

You need to have her put some respeck on your name.

- Yeah... - "Who are you referring?"

Did I lock them in the dresser beside the sink?

- No! Put your hand down! - Anastasia! Darling!

I... I stand by my statement

that your performance in that film was dreadful.

- "Horrendous." - Horrendous.

It was the worst thing I'd seen

since I walked in on my mother

adding sugar to her grits.

How dare you?

How dare me? How dare you?

- You scoundrel, how dare you? - What about--

And cut.

What?

What do you mean cut?

I mean, I'm supposed to get a beard cut.

I was going...

Yeah, that's what, I'm going to the barbershop,

and getting my beard cut and everything, 'cause...

Ooh, yes, go ahead.

Efe, we about to be rich.

Anastasia, my dear, I don't know what came over me.

Yes, wow, I feel like we were caught up

in some reality TV show.

And Brown did say cut.

What is that sound?

That's the sound of a hidden camera

running low on power.

And how do you know that?

Hm? Uh...

I've had many cases like that appear in my courtroom.

- Aha! - Oh!

Those two instigated a fight between us

and recorded it.

But why?

I don't know.

But I am going to find out.

Philip's interview must've gone really well

for that fast food restaurant,

for them to hire him on the spot.

- Think so, huh? - Mm.

I mean, I'm sure they had tons of applicants

and then they hired our boy.

Hey, just like that, boom,

I mean, that's really saying something, Jeremy.

Yeah, it's saying something, all right.

I just don't think it's saying what you think it's saying.

Oh, what you saying?

You ever ate at Blue Beard Fish and Chips before?

Mm-mm.

If you had, then you'd know why they don't get many applicants.

Yo!

Okay, well, shiver me timbers!

Oh, baby.

Wait, wait. Look who's home from that first day of work.

That was a good one, Mom.

Is that a parrot?

Leah, Philip just landed his first part-time job, man.

Don't make fun of his uniform.

Thank you, Dad.

You welcome, son.

- Oh, boy. - Baby.

This ain't no parrot. It's a toucan.

Toucan!

And a cracker.

I'm just playing with you, man.

So I just got one question for you.

Arrr you happy you got a new job?

Jeremy!

Very original. Very original.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, that's enough with the jokes.

Seriously, now, okay.

All right, now you know I'm a nurse.

So I have to ask, make sure they trained you

on what to do in case a customer chokes.

Yeah, yeah, they did.

Okay, great, I'm glad you learned CP-Arrr!

Jeremy. Wait, wait.

You proud of that one? You proud of that one?

All right, no more jokes. No more jokes.

No more pirate jokes, all right?

- Stop. Stop. - Arrr you sure?

Okay, for real.

All right, so do you like your new boss?

Yeah, yeah, she's great.

I mean, she's patient and understanding.

I could learn a lot from her.

Great, that's wonderful.

Okay, wait, let's get to it now.

How's the pay?

Oh, the pay's pretty good.

I mean, for a entry-level position.

It's $2 over minimum wage plus benefits.

Yeah, that's pretty good, man.

You better get your new rims

and pirate ship in no time.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

No. It sounds like this job is a perfect fit for you.

When's your next shift?

Ah, my next shift, it's,

yeah, never, no.

- What? - Why?

Yeah, because I quit!

You lucky I can't take the parrot off, man!

- No, okay, wait, baby. - Philip, come on.

Arrr you okay?

Arrr, man!

I just got off the phone with Vinny.

He's still over there in Europe with that little young girl.

He said her name is Sunshine. He ain't never coming back.

I sent him over the first episode.

Okay.

Vinny say we might be rich.

He like it. He say he wish he was here.

You know, if we keep on,

we gonna fool around and get us one of them Otis awards.

What is an Otis?

You don't know what no Otis...

You know, at the Academic Awards,

when they give you...

You ain't been to America then.

Academy Award where they give you an Oscar.

Stop, look, look.

We can't get distracted with all these things.

- Okay. Yeah. - Hey?

So we have to stick together.

And keep this hidden camera secret,

- on the down-low, hey? - Okay.

And this way, the sky's our limit.

- Okay, so stick together. - Yes.

- And keep it on the low. - Yes.

- Stick together. - Yes.

- Keep it on the low. - Exactly.

Gentlemen.

Where you come from, like the matrix.

- Anastasia, how are you? - Hey.

Is this your hidden camera?

It was all Efe's fault.

Efe did that. He set it up.

Look at this hairless ambebo!

What you call me?

A bald-headed snitch.

I ain't no snitch.

Why did you two instigate a fight

between me and Reginald on camera?

You talking about on the camera?

Okay, we were making a reality show.

I see.

And what's this little show called?

Lifestyles of the Retired and Famous?

Real Old People of Atlanta.

You real and you old and you live in Atlanta.

Mark my word.

No one makes a fool of Anastasia Deveraux

and gets away with it.

Look at Brown. It was his idea.

Oh, stop snitching.

I don't care whose idea it was.

It's a horrible show

and nobody's going to watch it.

- Ah, well. - Not quite.

Partner, please show her the receipts.

Okay.

When we post the first episode

with you all fussing and arguing,

the comments was off the charts.

They said, "A must-watch." "Five stars."

Look right here, "More drama than two baby mommas."

Look at that. Bam.

What did you expect? It starred yours truly.

And the episode did so well,

we have a potential corporate sponsor.

They said, if this episode is as good as the last one,

they gonna jump on board

and they gonna make us gadrillionaires.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

And what luxury brand wants to be associated

with an actress of my caliber?

Is it Le Magnifique Luxury Lip Sticks?

Our Pout Will Make You Shout?"

No, no, it is El Cheapo Denture Cream.

It is "Our Trick

- Will Make You Stick" - "Will Make You Stick"

I see

and they're paying real money, correct?

- Yeah. - Real big money.

We're going to be rich, rich.

We're gonna be billionaires, millionaires even.

And as in "we" you mean all of we?

What?

Darling, I am an actress. I don't work for free.

You aren't even acting.

You weren't doing nothing. Me and Efe was recording.

Y'all just y'all natural habitats.

Your natural habitat

is about to be a six-by-nine prison cell

if you record me again without my consent.

Okay. We'll pay you.

No checks. Cash only.

Boy, you such a diva.

What you want in your room?

A whole bunch of colorful candies

with all of them picked out except the green ones?

Don't be silly, darling.

Everyone knows real divas only eat the red ones.

Okay, okay, we'll give you whatever you want.

We just have to make this episode really good

so we can get that corporate sponsorship money.

You're dealing with a professional now, darling.

Just roll the cameras

and I'll take care of the rest.

So dramatic.

- I don't know. - You think so?

It's just too much drama.

We gonna be rich, though. We gonna be rich.

I'm gonna buy me a studio.

- A studio? - Yeah.

Damn.

What happened to Polly?

He tweeted for the last time.

Ahoy, matey.

I mean, what's going on, son? Can we talk?

Yeah, we just confused, baby.

Like, your first day on the job sounded great.

Yeah, you have nice boss, good pay,

- free meals. - Mm-hmm.

So why did you quit?

Because I was tired of being made fun of.

Baby, look, your father and I were just being silly.

We didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Oh, no, I didn't pay you two no attention.

Excuse me?

No, not like that.

I mean, your opinions don't really matter

'cause you're like...

Excuse me?

No, not like that.

Like, you guys are parents,

so you don't really know what's cool anymore.

Your opinion is sus.

Boy, I know what cool is.

I know all the songs on the radio.

Yeah, Dad, nobody listens to the radio anymore.

We stream music.

Well, at least I can listen to my beats

booming out of my system in my G-Ride.

Um, nobody calls them G-Rides anymore either.

- But point taken. - Philip.

Baby, why did you quit your job?

I was working the drive-through today

and a car-load of kids pulled up to get the Pirate Platters

and Chilecia was with them.

Hm, ouch.

And she saw you in this outfit, huh?

What'd they say?

You know, like, "Keep working this job,

you gonna go farrr."

Or, you know, like, if I mess up their order,

they gonna make me walk the plank.

- Leah. - Really, guys?

This is your attempt at making me feel better?

Great parents. You guys really read the manual

- for this one, right? - Hey, hey.

Just, that's just immature.

Who would say something like that?

Yeah, who would say something like that?

Yeah, I'm never going back there ever again.

All right, son, I'm being serious now.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about

about having an honest job.

- You hear me? - Yeah, Dad.

You know, those kids that were making jokes

at the drive-through and the ca-ca-cah,

all that stuff,

you were the only one there making money.

Mm-hmm, and you keep working hard, baby,

those same haters

are gonna come to work one day and you gonna be they new boss.

- I understand. - Mm-hmm.

So what you gonna do?

I'm gonna go down there and get my job back.

All right now, yeah, and I'ma go with you.

Thanks, Dad, but I don't need you

to talk to the boss for me.

Boy, I ain't talking to no boss.

I'm going down there to get that employee discount.

Them hush puppies be the business.

Places, everybody, places!

Get in line, it's showtime!

No need to yell.

My hearing works just fine, thank you.

I'm just so nervous

'cause, uh, El Cheapo Dentures

is gonna be watching live on the stream.

Yes, yes, and if this is a good episode,

we'll get that corporate sponsorship money.

Then we'll be paid in the shade

drinking lemonade.

I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my husbands

on our wedding night.

Just sit back and relax,

and watch Anastasia Deveraux make magic.

- Oh, okay. - Okay.

Brown, set up the scene for them.

Okay, this is the scene for you.

Okay, you a angry woman

because you've asked your man

to take you to a five-star restaurant,

but, instead, he took you to some cheap hamburger place.

No one ever takes Anastasia Deveraux

to a cheap burger place.

You appalled.

And action.

Actually, boys, Reginald and I

have come up with our own scene

that highlights my top-notch acting pedigree.

Get the camera.

This is the Old People From Atlanta

Episode Two, take five divided by three.

And action!

Where for art is my beloved?

What light from yonder window breaks?

What are they doing? What is this?

Shakespeare in the dog park?

I don't know, it's too late to yell cut

'cause we going livestreaming.

And where-it though is thine father?

They father?

He must be in the grave.

He's 200 years old.

My father doth not know

that I slippeth out to meet you here in secret.

Dost he knowest of our other more precious secret?

This is what they pay the money for.

This what I direct for, that's what I do.

Nobody knows about our secret

that I am pregnant with thou child.

Oh, she about to make me cuss.

Now how can she be pregnant?

Doesn't she know this is a reality TV show?

Eh?

If my father knoweth that you

place your blessed seed in my own belly,

he would surely tear us apart.

There is but one way for us to be together.

Drinketh this poison.

We shall be joined as one in the afterlife forever.

This is it, baby.

What is this?

It's El Cheapo.

Hello.

Oh, no, no, no.

We didn't know they were going to do that.

No, they are old people. The don't know. Senile.

No, please, wait, wait...

- No, no, no, look, look. - They're out.

"If you enjoy fingernails going down a chalkboard,

then this is the show for you."

Oh, The Real Old People of Atlanta

is officially cancelled.

This is a mess.

You come in cheesing like you

already made enough money for your rims and beats.

Well, not yet, but I did earn enough

to take Chelicia to a fancy restaurant.

Ah, that's great, son.

And my boss said that she loves how I come to work early

and work hard, so she promoted me to Shift Manager.

Ah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, boy.

Yeah, you and Mom were right.

Hard work pays off.

- Son. - Yeah, Dad?

Why don't you take my chariot?

Wait, really?

You're gonna let me use your car for my date tonight?

Yep, like you said, hard work pays off,

and your mother and I are very proud of you.

- Thanks, Dad. - Yeah.

Ay, don't be messing up my G-Ride.

You are so old.

I love that boy.