Original subtitles

Fifteenth.

Or sixteenth.

Or maybe the seventeenth.

Efe! Efe, Efe, look.

Is this what I think it is?

What is it? What is it?

If you see two men in black, it might be the IRS here for me.

Tell them I donated all my earnings,

and I moved back to Africa to become a monk!

Either it's a super fine woman outside or

you're ducking a Jehovah's Witness.

No, look like somebody famous done pulled up.

That is nice.

That's probably the wrong address.

- I don't know, but it's nice. - Mm-hmm.

What is it, a Lebron sighting?

Philip, go outside and direct those rich folks

to the facility across the street, please.

Who are they?

I don't know who it is, but I need to put on somethin' sharp

in case they're famous.

- Talkin' 'bout that Tesla? - Yeah.

That old thing.

Well, the battery in that old thing can light up this place

for a whole year.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well, I'm rollin' it.

What you mean you rollin' it?

Oh, that's my girl, Candy's.

Her dad got it for her for her Sweet Sixteen.

- Hey, Ma. - Morning.

And he dumb enough to let you drive it?

It has nothing to do with him.

She's my girl, and so what's mine is hers

and what's hers is mine.

Well, she won't get much.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

You mean to tell me you're dating somebody that got more

cheese than the food bank, and more dough than Pillsbury?

Yeah.

- You datin' her? - Yes.

What she want with you? You broke!

They say opposites attract.

And they say you can't teach old dogs new tricks, either.

That's why I need to stop hanging around here.

Hey, man, look, I don't want you driving that girl's car,

all right? What if you got in an accident?

Dad, she's got A.M.P. insurance.

A.M.P.?

Ask My Pops.

If something happened to her ride,

her dad would just get her a new one, simple.

Not like you and Mom where, you know, you gotta wait four months

for her to get it fixed, you know what I'm saying?

The post-date check?

Don't cash this for another month, or another two months.

Can I put it on layaway?

All right, all right, man.

So excuse me, Mr., Mr. Cas-ta-nova.

So what she see in you?

She just like giving to needy people?

She see what all the girls see in me.

What, a liability?

No, I'm a extra fine young'un,

know what I'm sayin, that's goin' places.

Half the time, you don't even know where you're going.

Oh, no. My baby is a catch, honey.

He get it from his mama.

He driving a Tesla that his mama did not buy.

At her age, I had an unlimited supply of all-day bus passes.

Don't say that out loud.

Hmm.

Look, she got me thinking on another level.

What level, the kind where your head is stuck all up

in the clouds and you can't see straight?

No, hey, look, she's taking me to the Posh Loft to get eats.

Oh, that's that super expensive bougie restaurant.

That's how broke people say it! Don't--

Another level! Tap, tap in!

We've gotta bring this to a stop immediately.

Or we can go with him.

Hey, I think I want to get me one of them Testicles.

Uh.

I think it's a Tesla, Mr. Brown.

Yeah, yeah.

That's nice.

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember blood ain't ever water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

A wise man once said, money cannot buy love.

You know, I could have married for yacht parties and gold and

diamonds and fur coats and, oh, riches

and extravaganzas around the world, but--

I married for love, I married you, honey!

Well, I'd rather be sad and rich than broke and happy like y'all.

Money can't buy you everything.

Well, it can buy you plenty of stilettoes and furs,

and it bought me this body!

That must have been on discount.

You need to invest in plastic surgery yourself, Mr. Brown.

Nah, I'm good, look at me.

I have, and my eyes hurt.

Okay, look, if you want that boy to stop liking that girl,

everybody know if the parents like him, they'll despise him.

So you like, they despise.

Try it, I'm tellin' ya, it's guaranteed.

- That's a good idea. - I know I'm right.

Hey y'all.

Whoa!

What's all this stuff?

Oh, me and my girl went shopping.

Okay, either you just spent your life savings

or you pawned your Xbox.

So much for money can't buy love.

Son, it's like hundreds of dollars of stuff here, man.

Oh, bless your heart, Dad, you're so poor--

it's thousands. Uh!

But you can't put a price tag on love.

Are these the $500 Jeezy's?

Yeah, dope, right?

And I definitely got a fit to set that off.

Is this a game station?

Limited edition.

What does her mother do for a living?

- Same thing as my mom, nothing. - Boy.

Her daddy must be loaded.

Yeah, owns half of downtown.

Does he need an in-house nanny?

Oh, do you know one that's young and beautiful?

Hey, man, you taking all this stuff back right now.

Is this your way to get him to despise her?

Look, I mean...

What's the big deal with her buying her man gifts?

Hey, hey, come on man, that's not funny.

You ain't no man.

What does she want from you, Philip?

Me, oh, that reminds me.

I like them shoes.

In white?

What the?

- Is this-- - The 8K LED 72-inch 9.0 series!

Kitted out, high-IQ TV?

Is this the one that will scan your brain and make sure

you're not too dumb to watch intelligent TV?

Poor Mr. Brown, you'll never be able to watch TV again.

- This is-- - For you and Dad.

It's a present from Candy's parents.

Oh.

"Jeremy and Leah, here's a small token of our appreciation

for raising such a wonderful son"?

Yep.

Now what was that about returning the gifts?

See, Dad, no layaway, no deposits, no monthly payments,

no post-date check.

No come on, man, I've known you for 12 years,

I can't get a discount?

No we in this together?

All right, all right, all right.

- I got it. - Let me pay you next Friday.

Man, and it's not even hot.

I'm telling you, I play ball with my cross ,

- it made my ankles hurt! - Oh no. Had to put the D on it!

For the young kids.

You look like you've been in a boxing match

and knocked each other out!

We played hoop.

I had to remind Mr. Brown of his age.

This nut thought he could dunk.

I did dunk.

After they brought the goal down to your belt buckle!

Well, do what you can do.

Wait, wait, wait!

I'm so excited.

I set up a new company to help me pay off my taxes!

I haven't paid mine in years, but with so many married names,

I'll be dead by the time they catch me.

I've partnered with a, with a physical therapy company that

created a ground-breaking product just for the elderly.

It is called Fossil Fuel! .

My physical therapy solution is to sit on my wash machine

during the spin cycle.

This product will make your old joints feel like new.

Okay, does it come with a complementary massage?

So, I've set up some personal business meetings here today.

You're all invited.

If I sell enough product, I move up the ranks,

I get a free Tesla.

So you're a door-to-door salesman?

No, brother, I am IBO, an I-B-O.

- What's that? - Independent Business Owner.

I mean, there are 7 billion people on this planet.

If everybody buys just one jar, I am a billionaire.

Okay, wait a minute.

I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer,

but all the billions of people buying one jar,

that don't even sound right to me.

- Shh, listen to this. - Okay

"Are you feeling sluggish,

like you need a boost of energy?

You must try Fossil--"

You've got to make it pop!

"Are you feeling sluggish,

like you need a boost of energy?

Then try Fossil Fuel,

TLC for the elderly.

Make what's old feel new."

Okay, thank you.

I think I need a shower.

She sound like she making a photographic film.

I'd rather the PG-13 version.

Whoo, I feel dirty.

If it's any good, maybe you can give some to Mr. Brown,

and it'll help add a little jump to his shot.

Please, please, I have to get ready for my meeting.

Fossil Fuel is the answer to my debt.

♪ Hey, Fossil Fuel, eh Fossil Fuel ♪

You want to know why I move so well?

Fossil Fuel, hey!

♪ Fossil Fuel, eh Fossil Fuel, eh ♪

♪ Fossil Fuel, eh Fossil Fuel, eh ♪

I think when I--.

I think when I crossed you over, I broke my hip.

Oh my god.

I see you guys are enjoying the TV.

Yeah, we just watched Adventurers in 5K.

We both felt the water when the boat hydroplaned in the ocean.

Oh! And the wind blew my hair as they soared through the air,

oh!

Candy's parents are the coolest.

Wait, you met 'em?

No, we called to say thanks for the television and

they invited us to their country club for dinner.

Oh, and guess what?

They gave us courtside seats for the Hawks/Celtics game.

Seems like you guys really hit it off.

Yeah, we're gonna be sitting next to T.I. and Tiny.

Told you, I know how to choose 'em.

Yeah?

Really had some nice things to say about her.

- And real humble folk. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so should I give her the ring before or after graduation?

What, you guys won't have to pay for the wedding.

That's gonna be like a 20-year loan.

A lot of hundred-dollar monthly payments, am I right?

Ooh, baby, look, look, look.

Oh, feel the wind! Feel the wind.

Philip, you feel it? Oh!

You guys don't need glasses for this?

No

We didn't tell the boy to marry the girl.

Well, he in love.

When you're in love, you do some dumb stuff.

I tell you what, yeah.

My first girlfriend, I got her a ring,

but she didn't get to keep it that long.

She broke it off?

No, my mama broke her finger off when she found out

that ring was missing from her jewelry box.

Ripped it clean up out the socket.

They called her Nubby.

We need to stop this right now.

For what?

Maybe you should just let the boy marry her.

Then they get a quickie divorce, he get half, think about it,

and we all will be rich.

Mr. Brown, this is serious.

I ain't playing.

Look, this is our fault, all right?

We got caught up in enjoying the gifts

and made Philip think it was okay.

Mm-hmm, we sending everything back.

Okay, now wait a minute!

Think about this.

Why y'all gonna give it back?

It's paid for.

Y'all should give it to some handsome, bald-headed,

Christian man that's the reason that you're all here

in the first place.

No, Mr. Brown, it's to teach him a lesson, all right?

Now, if we want him to get rid of his gifts back,

- we got to get rid of ours, too. - Ugh.

I guess I gotta call my friends and tell 'em the

Thirsty Divas of Atlanta watch party is called off.

Yeah, and those courtside seats.

Well, you know we could always wait and just do this later,

and delay it.

- No we cannot wait, Mr. Brown. - Why?

Hey, guys.

Hey, look, Candy's parents told me that they got married at 17.

Son?

No, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and they said,

"If you know, you know."

Philip?

Oh, plus they got you guys some gifts.

It's $200 certificate to the Chez La Boo.

Yeah, yeah, I told her that that's your favorite place.

Two hundred dollars?

- Oh. - No, no.

Hey, don't be jelly, Dad.

Keys to their summer beach house.

Her dad said he will meet you there for a

couple rounds of golf and all-you-can-drink cocktails.

- A summer beach house? - Yeah, summer.

- Can they go to it in winter? - Of course they can.

Hey-- Philip, your parents got something

they want to share with you.

I think it can wait 'til next week, huh?

Very nice, eh?

Okay, thank you, Mr. Brown.

Yeah, your guests gonna be starvin' and you gonna be

rubbing down dead people, but I guess, you're welcome!

Hey, hey, come, come, Anastasia.

The two of you, come.

Okay, the two of you will hand out samples to the customers

when I give the sign, okay?

Sounds good, Efe.

Be very careful.

This rub is known to increase libido.

Stop being nasty, talkin' libido.

Is anybody else bringing food?

No, no, this is it.

What, are you feeding ants?

No, no, they said that we should stick to light refreshments,

so the focus is on me and not the food.

I'm starving already just looking at it.

What time will the guests arrive?

They are on their way, very soon,

in droves they'll be coming.

Yah, dawg--

what is this, rotten eggs?

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh, this smells like skunk.

And this, halitosis?

No, no, no, no, it's spices and healing herbs.

It's for the customers, close it, close it.

Close it now.

Unless all your guests invisible,

it look like a no-show to me.

No, no, they are coming now, eh?

Who cannot come for this handsome guy?

Look like guests ain't coming for the handsome guy.

Stand up straight.

Look alive.

Good, Anastasia, I like that smile.

Out of 30 people, nobody showed.

They didn't even send a text to say they are not coming.

Money is down the drain.

Hey, Efe, did you do any research on this?

It says here, "Scam.

Fossil Fuel makes you feel twice as old as you are."

"Scam-- do not get involved with Fossil Fuel.

Not only is it bad for your joints,

but you might end up in the joint."

Man, you would have been better off selling

second-hand underwear.

How did I not see this?

It says Fossil Fuel is a pyramid scheme?

How could I have been so foolish?

Efe, in all my years of practicing law, I've seen

this happen many times to people of our age.

I think you got bamboozled.

Oh, that happened to me once.

I thought I'd married a millionaire.

Come to find out, he'd stolen millions from the casino.

I spent $300 on an online seminar and this product.

Yeah, this product here ain't nothing

but some cream and baby oil.

You have to do your due diligence on products like this.

I'm sorry that happened to you, Efe,

they prey on people like us.

How will I get my money for the back taxes now?

Why don't you do like I do?

Change your name every so often.

Uh, don't do that.

How do they expect you to find the word

with all the letters scrambled up?

Where is he?

I texted him hours ago.

I hope he didn't elope.

You know these kids like to do stuff fast.

- You heard from Philip? - Not yet.

I returned everything to Candy's parents, though.

Y'all didn't realize how small that TV was

'til they took that big one, huh?

Look at it-- you can't see it.

Look how little it-- look.

That, that thing don't even put out no light.

Well-- it was fun while it lasted.

Yeah.

They seemed a little sad about it, too.

Well, if they wanna pay somebody a couple million to

cheer 'em up, I'd be more than happy to do that.

- Mr. Brown. - What?

Oh, okay, I know, the Bible say

the love of money is the root of all evil.

That's right.

But it didn't say nothing about all the stuff that money

can buy! Like a 8K TV, like courtside tickets,

all that stuff.

Mr. Brown.

Anyway, everybody already know.

If you want to get double your money, you take it down

to Pookie's Parlor and you go pawn it.

Y'all just gonna give it right back to 'em.

Oh, here he is.

Hey, you get hitched?

Mr. Brown, you just cut right to it, don't you?

Yeah, that's what you do.

No, I didn't get hitched, but I did get ditched.

- Oh yes. - No.

I didn't-- it's okay, Son, it's all right, man.

Ain't that a ditch.

Baby, didn't you say when you know, you know?

Well, you can change that to what you don't know,

you don't know.

She texted me, saying, "Sorry, I'm moving on."

And I saw her with that dumb jock I tutor in the Tesla

while I sitting at the bus stop.

Showed up at the bus stop?

You was at the bus stop?

Was you in your Jeezy's at the bus stop?

Mr. Brown!

Did you have on the fly outfit at the bus stop?

I bet you was fly, though-- at the bus stop.

I'm just saying.

Baby.

I, I, I can't believe she would just turn it on and off

like a switch like that.

Some girls are just out for themselves.

It didn't cost you nothing, though.

Well, it cost me my heart.

And now I'm going back to a lifestyle where I have to

check the price tags before I make purchases.

Oh, man, but there's always layaway!

Hey, man, can I pay you on Friday, and post-dated checks,

and come on, man, I know you for 12 years!

Everybody got jokes, right?

That's hilarious!

How am I gonna find these words?

Don't match.

Why you do my baby like that?

Oh! I contacted the Better Business Bureau

about that company.

Good, Efe, we don't want anyone else getting scammed like that.

They better leave us old people alone.

They don't know how dangerous we are

with a cane and some dentures.

Good news, I contacted an old friend from the school district

and they need someone in accounting part-time.

Oh, thank you, Reggie.

And I made a payment plan for my taxes,

so no more burly men in black coming after me.

Someone left this on the porch for you from Fossil Fuel.

See?

Is that a mini Tessly?

Well, they didn't lie.

They said they would give me one for free.

Hey, I got a bridge I want to sell you.

Shut up. I don't want--

Some swamp land.

You would buy anything!

You would buy snow in the summertime, won't you?

That's true. I cannot even lie.