Original subtitles

Yo, this is the fifth delivery today.

Know what that means, right?

That the postal service is running smoothly.

That means that my wife has a disorder.

She has chronic shopping-itis.

I don't. I only buy things that are absolutely necessary.

Oh, yeah, so what's in the box?

- Makeup. - Yeah, you already got makeup.

You got it on right now.

But this is new makeup.

You know they always coming up with something better, baby.

- You know what's better? - Mm-hmm?

If you just stopped shopping on the Internet all the time.

Oh, well, you know what's better?

If you would get off your phone at night

and help your wife with the household chores.

So now you want to be petty, all right.

See, I work hard all day.

When I get home from work, I want to just unwind.

So are you saying I don't work hard all day too?

You just a nurse. You in there,

checking blood pressure and the AC.

- You ain't doing nothing. - Mm-hmm.

So I know you didn't just say

that I don't work just as hard as you do.

- Are you serious? - Mm, you don't.

- Okay, all right. - You know what?

I don't even want to talk about this no more.

Just leave me alone.

Leave you? Okay, okay, all right. I will.

- Fine. Fine. Fine! - Fine. Fine.

- Finer. - Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna get fine with my new makeup.

Yeah, you do that. Ooh, I might want ya.

Isn't it interesting that the word fine

means something different when a woman says it.

Not to me. It's annoying as hell, that's what it is.

Oh.

Look at you, Reginald,

looking flyer than Ron O'Neal himself.

Where are you taking me, a six-star restaurant?

Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. I'm headed across the street

to the assisted living facility.

They're having a senior mixer.

You do know that mingling

with all those desperate, horny widows over there

is not a good use of your time?

Oh, is that a serious question?

Fine, just go.

Ugh, it wasn't my idea anyway,

and I have to wait for Mr. Brown.

Really? You two aren't exactly bosom buddies.

Well, there's an old adage from my youth that says,

"You want to make yourself look better?

Roll with an ugly wingman."

Oh, Reginald. Mr. Brown is not ugly.

Well, you see that chrome dome?

It's smoother than a baby's bottom,

and that is not sexy.

Somebody say sexy? I'm here, sexy me.

- Mr. Brown, - Hm?

What'd you do to the top of your head?

What? Nothing.

No, you used to have nothing

and that definitely is something.

Oh, you talking about my hair?

Yeah, I just started growing it.

I just... This whole thing, I just let it grow.

So you mean you paid a graffiti artist

to spray-paint your cranium?

No, I have you notice that this,

I used to shave it by choice,

now I just said, "Just let it grow."

Mr. Brown, there is no shame in getting a cosmetic procedure

to give your self-esteem a boost.

- Women do it all the time. - I said the same thing.

'Cause I been saying that 'cause the ladies nowadays,

they be getting them booty cheek things.

Yeah, if ladies can do it,

men ought to be able to do it too.

So now that you've admmitted it,

how much did you pay to have that man-weave?

This is not no man-weave.

And you just jealous 'cause your hairline

way back on the back of your neck.

Upon further inspection,

I, I, I, you know, I was wrong.

It actually looks fantastic.

- Really? - Mm.

You solemnly swear to tell the whole truth

- and nothing but... - I swear, I swear.

You like it? - Mm, mm.

- You think it look good? - Yeah, now, well, obviously,

it could hardly not be fake because it looks so real.

- You like that? - Mm, mm.

You know, all the times that I said

behind your back that you ain't nothing but a stuck-up nerd,

I take that back.

- Yeah. - I gotta go get ready,

make sure I'm gonna brush it down.

- Reginald. - Where my brush?

Why are you lying to poor Mr. Brown?

Well, I heard from Oprah

that you need to find your passion

and perhaps I found one.

I think, watching Mr. Brown make a fool of himself

it gives me joy.

Come on, Hair Jordan!

We got some numbers to get.

He gonna get zero numbers.

♪ No matter what you do I love you ♪

♪ No matter when you go I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember blood aint never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Come on.

How come every time you move your knight,

you gotta make a horsey sound?

Good night, Efe.

- Good night, my sister. - Mm.

- Mm. Mm to you too. - Mm-mm.

- Mm! - Mm.

Hm.

Wife still not talking to you, huh?

No, she ain't said nothing to me all day but mm.

You know, we have a saying in my country.

A married couple is like the buttocks.

Though they are in constant friction,

they have to find a way to live together.

I have another one.

Silence is the best answer to the unwise.

Ah, now that's a good one right there.

Hold up.

Wait, Leah's giving me the silent treatment.

- You trying to say I'm stupid? - Uh-uh, Jeremy, my friend.

- I would never call you stupid. - All right,

- 'cause I was about to say... - I would merely imply it

and have you figure it out for yourself.

Hold on, hold on. So I'm stupid because I'm tired

of my wife buying stuff on the Internet all the time?

You're not stupid for feeling that way,

but you are stupid for

expressing those feelings to her.

Yeah, but Leah's all about communication,

and she always want me to, you know, share my feelings

and all that stuff.

Mm, that is what she says with her mouth,

but it's not what women really want.

- Then why say it? - They think they want to know.

If women really know what men are thinking,

there will be many less marriages

and many men taking trips to the emergency room.

You not even married, why would I take advice from you?

Ah, in my country,

a man can marry as many wives as he can afford.

And my father, a very wealthy man,

boasted over 87 wives.

Man, I can only imagine

how many boxes were stacked up at his door.

A pile so high, it will rival Mount Kilimanjaro.

Thanks for the advice, Efe,

but I just don't know

if I could just walk around all the time

and not get things off my chest when I'm feeling that way.

Jeremy, you can say

all the things that annoy you about your wife.

- Mm. - You can complain.

You can cuss. You can even call out her name,

and you won't experience any consequences.

- How am I gonna do that? - You say them in here.

- In your mind. - Uh?

Hey, let's give it a try.

Look at Efe, sitting there smiling

and don't know I'm the one that ate all his leftovers.

Look at Jeremy smiling, yet he is unaware

I dropped my leftovers on the floor.

- I like that. Yeah. - Oh, you see?

And now you must get back into good graces of your wife.

Yeah, you know what? I'm actually feeling kind of bad

'cause I said some things that weren't cool,

and, you know, I talked about her work,

and she actually does have a job.

- She's very important. - Yes.

I need to start helping out around here,

you know, doing my share of the chores,

and all that stuff.

I think I'm gonna go apologize.

No, no.

Go to her, but you don't say a word

'cause if you say a word, it will invite words from her

and next thing you know, you two are fighting again.

No.

You go to her and you give her the look.

What look?

This look.

The look of love.

What? Stop looking at me like that.

Then you take her in your arms

to show her that you're strong,

but then you lay her gently on the bed.

And then here comes the good part.

- You take your hand... - Hey! All right, man.

Okay, I think I got it from here.

- Okay. - Okay? I can do all that stuff

- with the hand. - All right.

Good advice, man. You a wise man.

- Thank you, Efe. Appreciate you. - Okay.

- Don't forget. Love. - The hand.

- Efe! - Huh?

You are an idiot!

What happened?

What happened, did you not do the love look?

Did the hand, the hand.

Jeremy, Jeremy, my friend, my friend, watch this.

Watch this.

I'm trying to sleep, man.

You cannot sleep until you see this glorious play.

Okay. All right. I saw it, all right?

Goal!

Hey, man.

Damn, let me ask you a question.

Why do you have to watch soccer right now?

It is early back in my country

where they are playing this game.

Now let me ask you a question.

My rent that I pay on time every month

allows me unrestricted access to this TV, does it not?

It does, so if I take off $100 from your rent,

would you turn the TV off, please?

There was only 10 seconds left in the game anyway.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Damn it, Reginald. I'm trying to sleep.

Well, it's hardly my fault

that you managed to find yourself

in the doghouse again with Leah.

Whatever, man. Where is Brown?

Oh, let me guess.

They laughed at his hair and he left early, didn't he?

That's where you could be wrong.

They loved my hair.

I was a hit, hit!

Homerun hit.

You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, no, I'm not, I'm not.

They was like, "Oh, look at you."

And said, "Leroy! Leroy Brown!"

I said, "That's Leroy H. Brown. The H is for hurr over herr."

They said, "Ooh, your hair looks so good.

Your edge-up look like it's been cut with a laser beam."

Reginald, I know this ain't true.

The honorable Reginald Junie is at a total loss for words.

Oh, I got some words for you.

"He looks so fly. He look dope.

Is that Idris?" I said, "Well, it could be,

but I'm his cousin Eldris."

"I say, ooh, it's looking so good."

I was walking and they looking at...

All right, all right, all right, Mr. Brown.

You got there, they liked you,

you got a couple numbers and, yeah...

No, I don't think you do get it

'cause I didn't get no couple of numbers.

I got all the numbers!

Look, numbers just everywhere. They just...

Look, let me get this number.

"Call me. 555-555-3."

Well, yeah, that's pretty impressive, man.

Yeah, I am, I am.

Reginald, how many numbers did you get?

I didn't feel like getting any numbers.

That's what happens when your game is weak.

I always took you for one of them

smooth Einstein brothers that get all the ladies.

It wasn't a fair fight. He cheated.

Ain't nobody cheat.

Don't hate it 'cause the Lord blessed me

with this fine, nice, beautiful, silky black hair.

This is silky.

Reggie's hair is as patchy as grass on a ghetto playground.

- Just spotty. - How dare you?

Dalmatian spotty. This is my hair!

And this is, is, is at least mine!

This-is-is ain't your hair!

All right, all right, all right, fellas.

Come on, man. Do we got to do this right now?

Can you please go to sleep?

Okay. You right. Before we end,

can we end with just one word of prayer for Reggie?

Okay.

Bow your head. You...

Let's just pray for him. Bow your head deep.

Go deep on it.

Lord, bless Reggie's hair.

Open up the hair follicles and water them

so that it can sprout out from the root like grass.

Press it down, shake it together,

and run over his hair,

so his hairline will not be back there

but be up herr.

Amen.

Ms. Anastasia, can you please ask Jeremy to pass the butter?

Jeremy, dear, kindly pass the butter.

Oh, absolutely, anything for you, Ms. Anastasia.

There you go.

Oh, uh, Ms. Anastasia, can you ask Leah

if she's still picking Philip up from school today?

Okay, Leah, you heard that. What's the answer?

Heard what, Ms. Anastasia? I didn't hear anything.

And they say old people lose their marbles.

You know what? Never mind, I'm actually gonna

pick him up from school today myself.

And, Ms. Anastasia, you like a snack today.

Are you not tired of this silliness

because Lord knows the rest of us are.

Maybe a little.

Okay, a lot,

but Jeremy gets on my last nerve sometimes.

He is a man, honey.

So along with snoring

and obsessively watching adults on television

get paid a fortune for playing with balls,

and scratching themselves in places they shouldn't,

that's just what men do.

Ew, and why they do that?

And then they grab the remote with the same damn hand.

Just nasty.

Leah, as true as that is, the fact remains

that the time has come for you to stop with this silliness

and make up with your husband.

Did I tell you he tried to make up with me last night?

Oh, well, that's nice.

By trying to get some action.

- He didn't? - Mm.

Yeah, he had the nerve to just come in and not say a word,

just walked into the room and tried to kiss all up on me.

Well, it's definitely going to be up to you

to mend your relationship

because he clearly lacks the capacity.

Mm, you're right.

But, well, Jeremy isn't totally wrong.

I mean, I might, possibly, maybe, go a teeny little bit...

Overboard with the shopping.

So, maybe, I guess I'll just tell him how I feel.

Oh, oh. Oh, no, no, no.

Men do not want to know how we feel.

That's the worst thing you could do.

I know, and it's so frustrating.

I have to keep all these feelings bottled up inside.

Here's a trick that I learned

that can save any relationship.

Whatever you're feeling inside, just come right out and say it

but in your head.

- Really? - Yeah, come on, come on.

- Let's practice. - Okay.

Look at her. She's just so beautiful.

I wonder if she truly knows how lucky she is.

Look at her looking at me.

I wonder if she truly knows how lucky she is

to be able to look at me every day.

I should charge these people my day rate.

- That was nice. - Yes.

So now that I've set you up for success,

I want you to go and make up with Jeremy.

But how? So I just say I'm sorry?

Heavens, no.

You go shopping.

Shopping?

You go shopping, but this time,

you buy him something for a change.

Leah, I have been with a lot of men in my life,

and I'm talking biblically, of course.

Ms. Anastasia.

- Uh - It's true.

Honey, that was my pregame warmup.

Lord Jesus, please save this woman.

Oh, my goodness. Okay, where was I?

Huh? Uh, you know a lot of men.

- So they appreciate it... - Yeah?

- When you buy them something... - Buy them something.

- For a change. - Okay.

- So I want you to go... - Okay.

- Get your phone. - Okay.

- Okay, buy him something. - Your credit card.

- Mm. - And off you go.

I can still use his credit card, can't I?

Tea is such an acquired taste.

When I was a little girl, I called it yucky water.

Oh, yes, in my country we call tea .

Oh, that sounds so lovely. What does it mean?

Yucky water.

Oh, we got a package.

Yes, we got another package

and, surprise, surprise, it's for you.

Actually, I did buy it,

but this time, it's for you.

- You got me something? - Mm-hmm.

What is it?

Just some new sneakers,

those new limited releases that you really wanted.

The limited releases that I wanted

that I didn't buy myself

because they're too damn expensive?

This is what I'm talking about?

Yeah, oh, uh, those sneakers, yeah.

Hey, I appreciate the thought and the effort, all right,

but I get so aggravated because every time that doorbell rings,

that's the sound of our bank account going down

because we're buying things that we do not need.

Please, I don't buy things we don't need, Jeremy.

Baby, yesterday you bought this little device

that takes the red things out of the olives.

Oh, yeah! Well, I mean, besides that, look,

I just bought you some sneakers as a peace offering.

Okay, so I tell you don't buy things

and then you buy more things?

Whose dumb idea was that?

Huh? What's that you say? Be right there.

While we talking about dumb ideas,

what gave you the dumb idea

last night to come into the room

and kiss all up on the woman who is mad at you,

because, basically, you said her job isn't a real job

like your job?

Uh, we have a saying in my country

for a situation like this

Oh, yeah? What's the saying?

See trouble, make a run. Peace out.

I know they mean well, but I'm tired

of people always being in our business.

How could they not?

In this house, someone is always around.

Well, couples always have their differences.

Yes, but with an audience,

ugh, we tend to be a bit more defensive.

Yep, then one person has to outdo the next,

and it escalates, and...

I'm sorry, baby.

You know, I'm sorry that I said you don't have a real job,

and, you know, you not working

- 'cause you work damn hard. - Mm-hmm.

You make sure everything's good around here, and...

I promise, from now on,

I will do my best to play my part

and I'll even help out with dishes and stuff, okay?

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm, and?

- Me? Okay. - Mm. Mm.

I'm sorry too.

I promise to only maybe buy something online

once a day.

Mm-mm.

Once a week.

Wait a minute, slow down. Say that again.

"Your hair is real sexy," girl!

Yes, you can't look at it

'cause it will cut your eyeballs!

Bring two or three friends.

Yes, y'all can be kittens and I'll be yarn.

Y'all just slap me around.

Come on by here if you want to.

Girl, you should see me.

I put my wave cap on, and I get my brush,

and I brush it down just like that.

Yes, anytime you want to stop by--

Re--Aaah!

Reginald, why you do that?

I paid good money for this fake hair!

Welcome back to reality, Mr. Brown.

We sure missed you.

No, I didn't say fake hair. I said, "I don't care."

Why would you do something like that?

Is it still there?

It's all... You make me sick! Now I'm ruined!