Original subtitles

If the line is pink, you're pregnant.

The line is...pink.

"If the line is pink, you're pregnant."

It IS pink.

"If the LINE is pink, you're pregnant."

Pink.

"If the line is..."

The LINE. Right, the line...that's the line, that is the line. OK.

"If the line...", got that, "..is pink..."

The colour, that's the colour pink.

So, "If the LINE...the line... if the line is pink...

"IF the line is pink, you're pregnant."

This programme contains strong language.

"If", right, "the", OK, "line", yes, "is", got that, "pink", yes...

OH, F-U-U-UCK!

Right, well, um... Thanks for a lovely, erm...um...

Thanks for lovely sex. It was lovely.

Really nice.

Is there a bus that gets me out of here?

Erm, yeah. The high street - 285.

Great.

Do you...want my number or...?

What? Oh...yeah. Course. I'm not a slag!

If you don't, it's fine as well, so...

No, God, yeah. Give us it. I'll...call you up on it.

Thanks. That's just my name.

What? Oh, shit, sorry...

Dave.

That's brilliant.

Perfect. Right, I'll be off.

Sorry, did you want to do a kiss?

Goodbye, you know... Goodbye kiss?

Is it weird not to? Or is it weirder to? I dunno.

We can if you want, just maybe not use tongues or... What d'you think?

Or not make it too tongue-y... Wet tongues! What d'you reckon?

I think maybe we'll leave it. Yeah. Yeah, leave it.

Thanks for everything. Best wishes... Donna. Bye.

'Hello? Who's that?

'Yeah, hello?' I can't get a signal!

Mate, what's-yer-name... Can you pull over so I can get a signal, please?

We are pulled over.

Wha... Fug...?!

Hello?

Can you help me?

'Please?'

Louise, look who's here again, third time this week. He wants me, Richard.

He's drawn to my banter. Sure it's not the pumpkin risotto?

The pumpkin risotto is just the honey in my trap.

And if he's hungry for honey, there's plenty more where that came from.

And once he's gorged himself on my honey...

I'm sorry, I don't know where that's going. Give me a menu.

Can't resist my charms, eh?

I try to fight it but it don't work.

How do you do it? I've been drugging

your food.

Lucky me!

Could you find me some of that delicious pumpkin risotto? I'm sure I can.

Even if it means regurgitating it myself.

Great, yeah. Can I have some of that with some salad and a carrot juice

and a date?

Is that with me, then?

Yeah. Yeah, well, I'll just check my diary!

That'd be great. What are you doing tomorrow? Nothing. Completely free and up for it.

Well, will you come out

with me, then?

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, I don't get it. Where's the joke?

I'm not going to stay long. I just thought I'd pop in and get my CDs. You haven't got any CDs.

What are you talking about, Karl? I've got thousands of CDs. I'm a muso. Well, all right.

Look, there they are. Have a look.

Don't want you whisking Michael Buble

off to Italy with you.

So, when are you going? Friday. Not long now.

I thought you might be a bit

upset with me. Cos I said

I didn't want to get back with you.

What? I'm not upset with you. I'm perfectly fine.

Actually, can I just say, Karl, that you really misread that whole situation.

I wasn't asking you to get back with me, I was asking if you wanted to get back with me, which is completely...

and secondly I don't give a toss, so what are you on about? Look, Donna...

Karl, you've done me a real favour because, basically the whole time we've been split up,

I've been tip-toeing around, not sleeping with other men, worrying about you and what you think...

You've slept with loads of men since... ..Now I just think that's stupid.

So, it's just gonna be one big sex festival from now on.

Bring on the...knobs.

Just...doesn't seem like you. Right. Got these.

Look, Karl, don't worry about me. OK.

I am...happy.

Really, really happy.

Right, well. I guess this is goodbye.

Do you want to go and get a coffee or something?

No, I've got to go home, take a shower. Feel dirty.

Oh, wow.

I had a great time last night. Pulled, shagged, got his number.

Which is actually a bit awkward because I didn't want it. And now I've got it, so...

What's wrong?

Karen's pregnant.

What?! Karen?

Are you fertile?

Nice one, Donna(!)

What?

SHE MOUTHS

SHE MOUTHS

I am here, you know!

No, look... Oh, sorry! It was the shock, I'm sorry. Come here.

Don't worry. We'll look after you.

And it. Don't call it "it". Call it baby...

Don't fucking call it baby! Are you gonna tell Billy?

Is it Billy's?

No, I just meant, how do you know?

Donna, contrary to popular belief, I do practice safe sex. When I remember.

I think you should tell Billy. I'm not telling Billy!

I'm gonna sort it out. I'm gonna...

Well, I'm not gonna have a baby, am I?

And no-one's telling Billy, OK?

I'm dealing with this on my own.

Not on your own. With us.

With your friends.

This is a really hard thing to go through, Karen. It's difficult.

It's sensitive and we want to be here for you.

OK?

And then, you and me are going out on the pull.

What? Just, I mean...you know...

Make the darkness go away.

Oh, they're lovely.

Hey, that's good, Jake. What's that?

It's a monster, Miss.

A monster? What monster is that?

That monster, Miss.

Fuck. I mean... Shit.

Take over, Leanne.

Billy, what are you doing here?

I can't believe you're having my baby.

What?! Who told you?

Louise. But I promised, shhh, I wouldn't say.

Jesus Christ!

Gotta keep it, Kar'n.

I love ya.

I wanna be a family with you. This is beautiful!

Billy! Look at the state of you!

No, no, you got that wrong, Kal.

This is the end of this.

This is the residue of the last part of me, OK.

It's gone.

It's finished. That is over.

Welcome to a new me.

Just get out!

I'm going.

I'm going. I'm going. But you see...

I'm gonna show you...

that I can be responsible male.

I mean it, Karen.

I want this baby...

with you.

S'all right. S'not from the fall. S'been doing that all week.

It's fine. Bye. Love ya.

Wow, look at you! You look gorgeous.

Thanks. I thought I'd be nervous but I'm not. I mean, why should I be?

We get on so well. I mean here, in this nice safe restaurant, we have a real rapport,

so there's no difference, really, in another restaurant, in a different restaurant,

a less familiar and comfortable... Fuck, there he is!

Hello, there.

You look lovely.

You don't!

SHE LAUGHS

Bender! You look like a...

No, you look gorgeous, is what I'm trying to...

Very pretty, you've made an effort. You, you scrub up well. Shall we go?

Yes.

Look Kal, I've done this cos I just want you to know how serious I am about you, me and...

Kal, I'm out here if you need anything.

You know, grapes or whatever.

Omega 3's and shit.

That is gonna drive me nuts, him out there.

I can't believe Louise told him!

He's been suggesting names through the letter-box. What? Yeah, I know. What a bastard!

I did quite like Randy, though. I mean, it's unusual, isn't it? And it works for a boy or a girl.

Donna, I am not having it!

Yeah, no...I know! God.

Just keep it for when you do decide to have a child.

I mean, if it's not too late.

Donna!

Who's that?

Oh, just this bloke I met at the Marquis. I'm gonna have casual sex with him.

Yeah, I thought I was drunk enough but I wasn't.

There. That should do it.

Donna, far be it for me to

discourage casual sex but you do

know it's a sport not a punishment?

Shut up.

Are you sure you just want a side dish of spinach?

No, that's what I like. It's not cos I'm nervous.

I just like spinach.

Popeye. Popeye the sailor.

# All the nice girls like a sailor. #

Oh, this is fun. So what do you do?

Well, I'm... Oh, my God, what a shit question!

"What do you do, what do you do?" What a wanker!

No! No, not at all. I mean, I'm...

Because we all thought you were a writer.

We? We always thought that maybe you were...writing a novel

cos you're always making little notes.

We thought you became a novelist, after leaving the priesthood.

Sorry? Yeah, well, we thought you had that look about you, you know, that you used to be a priest

but then became disillusioned with organised religion after seeing a war or something. Right.

Then when I got your name off your credit card and checked it online,

there was a J Connors who was a priest and was now writing!

I thought what you've said connects with what we've concocted about you.

Well, not what you've said but what your credit card told us. Are you drunk, Louise?

Great idea! Let's get battered!

(I bought you some lunch, Kal.)

(Salads.)

(Banana. Potassium.)

(I'll take that.)

So...

I got your message. What's up?

What? No! Nothing.

Nothing's up. I just thought, you know, you gave me your number, I thought it might be rude not to...

I don't understand. Do you want sex?

What? No, God! Jesus Christ, I'm not...

I'm in my work clothes.

But you called me. Yeah, just to be polite

but I thought... Look, I'm glad you're well and everything.

Why wouldn't I be well? What are you talking about "well"?

Well, I don't know, I just...

Have you got AIDS? I haven't got AIDS!

Jesus, what are you... have you got AIDS?

I haven't got AIDS! You wanted to see me.

I didn't want to see you. I just called cos you gave me your number

and...now you're talking about sexual diseases!

I do not have a sexual disease. If you do, you didn't get it from me!

I haven't got... Bloody hell, this is awful!

I don't like this. I'm gonna go.

So I can just not call you now and then that's fine, is it? Yes!

God!

Right, that's the aubergine tagine.

Louise, did you... did you enjoy yourself last night?

Yep. No pumpkin risotto then?

It just, you seemed a bit different.

Same old me. Actually, it's not on today, the risotto.

You just kept drinking and drinking.

You drank eight pints of lager.

Do you usually?

Oh, yeah. It's a medical thing. Like that darts player. That's why I passed out.

I mean, if you were nervous... I wasn't nervous, why would I be? I wouldn't, I wouldn't.

Well, let's give it another go. Tonight. Would you like that?

Do you think it's worth it? Abso-loodily-doodily.

So, that's the aubergine tagine, large salad, cappuccino and no pumpkin risotto!

What's going on?

It's Billy. He's bought me an orthopaedic bed.

But I dunno what the point of that is cos I'm HAVING A FUCKING ABORTION anyway.

Right, well, if you don't want it, I'll have it.

The bed I mean, not the, y'know, not the...

Hi. Oh, aren't you supposed to be on a date?

Yeah...

I'm so good in the restaurant, Donna.

I'm so good with him in the restaurant.

I'm sexy in that restaurant, y'know? We can talk about anything in there.

It's like penguins.

In the water they're all beautiful and graceful and sexy but take them out and they're just pricks.

Little pricks.

So I've just...

..not bothered going.

Karl's leaving.

Tomorrow.

You all right? No, I'm fine. I'm fine about it.

I met this bloke on the bus.

I'm just gonna get drunk and shag him. I think that'll make me feel better...

..or worse.

Why are we like this, Louise?

Oh, come on. We're not that bad.

Right, the plan is...

we piss on the mattress

and chuck it out the upstairs window

at Billy's car.

If we get enough leverage we can clear the hedge. Who's with me?

Here we are, then.

Alone at last.

Not on the bus.

Look, can I just say, Sean, I'm not really feeling myself tonight.

I mean, don't worry, we're still going to have a good time but I just wanted you to...

That's a nice dress.

Erm, thanks...thank you. Yeah, look, we're gonna have a laugh...

It's tight. Really shows off your figure.

Erm...yeah.

Thanks, thank you. I suppose it is quite...

And your boobies. What?

What did you...? Right, don't say boobies because you've only just met me.

In fact, if we were old friends, don't say boobies.

It's just a joke, Donna. Jesus. Keep your knickers on...or don't.

What is the matter with you? What is this?

Do you normally talk to girls that way or is this...?

Shhh...

Why don't you...

come and sit over here?

Look, don't think I have to be here, or need to, for some reason because actually, right, I don't.

Right, I'm just gonna... Powder your nose?

Give it a wipe for me.

Get in!

Are you gonna keep this up?

What, the stalking?

No, the new you. The sober, got your house back, working you? Is that for keeps?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it is, Kal.

All right, then. What?

Let's, you know...

let's...

let's...

Well, you know!

And that has got to stop! That hand-belly touching thing. That is just fucking annoying.

I love you.

Well, I'm going down the doctors tomorrow, you can come with me. Prove yourself.

Try and stop me.

Are you fucking crying?

I don't think you should swear, Kal. They can pick up on the vibes.

Up your arse!

Hi.

Donna? What you doing here? Are you with someone?

No. No, I just popped in to...

..steal some toilet paper.

Are you OK?

I don't know what I'm doing, Donna.

I'm getting the plane tomorrow.

I've just been walking round and round, thinking,

trying to work out what the fuck I'm doing.

Jesus, Karl, what? I mean...

I thought you wanted to go.

I mean, it's Italy, Karl!

Sun, pasta and...

But, you know, it's you following your dream. I wish I had the guts to do that.

Pizza! Pizza as well.

I'm just running away, maybe I'm just running away.

Well, look, do you want to talk or...?

No. No, Donna. I couldn't.

I mean, you know, after everything that's...

What are you talking about? We're friends. Don't worry about that now.

Well, maybe, I could do with someone to chat with.

OK. Look, it's OK. We'll sort this out.

All right?

Look, I'm not gonna pretend that I want you to go, Karl.

What you have to remember is... Oi!

..is that you and...erm...

well, me, we've been through... What about me? ..a lot and...

What do I get, where's mine?

Is this bloke with you? No.

Your happiness is more important... Do I get a bit? Where's mine?

He's talking to you, Donna. No, he's not! He's just...

Look, just get your coat!

What about me? Eh? Where's my Juicy Fruit?

Hagh...!

He touched me!

Yeah. Dirty, creepy, bloody, dirty... No, leave it! He's not worth it.

Let's just go. Let's go.

And as for you, don't go touching women's boobies again!

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Bagels!

Louise?

Louise?

Louise, I know it's a cupboard. There's nowhere to go.

I just wanna know why you didn't show up last night. Louise? Are you gonna come out?

We could talk about this. If you come out of your cupboard we could give it another go.

We could talk about pumpkin risotto, if it makes it easier.

SLURRING: Right, let's get this breakfisst onna road.

D'ya want one bagel or two?

All goes down the same pipe, don't it?

Kar'n. Kar'n, let me explain.

I thought, "One celebration drink", and I jus' had half shandy

and one chaser...

and one Drambuie...

and one cocktail and two cocktail and one little bottle Bacardi... and now that is it.

I am with you 100%.

Put the keys through the letterbox

when you leave.

..And a glass of carrot juice please.

What? What are you on about?

Right, we've got the results.

The best thing we can do from here is to prescribe a cream

and if you could refrain from sexual activity until it's all cleared up.

What d'you mean "cleared up"? No, I wanna keep it.

Keep what? The baby!

What? I'm sorry. I thought you understood.

Did the nurse not talk to you about this?

No. About what? Is it OK? Right, erm...

When you did the pregnancy test, how long did you leave the strip exposed for?

Well, it said on the box five minutes, so I left it for an hour.

You know, it's like glueing a shoe, innit?

They say leave it on for ten and you leave it for fifteen, to be sure.

So, just to be sure, I left it for an hour.

Well, unfortunately it's not like glueing a shoe.

The longer you leave it on, the more likely it is to give a positive reading.

So...

I'm not gonna have a baby? I'm sorry.

But I have got the clap? I'm afraid so.

I've got genital warts!

Hello, you.

You all right about last night? I'm brilliant about last night.

Listen, Donna. Thank you for...

well, listening to me and...

I mean, you really sorted my head out.

I've been walking round in cloud-cuckoo-land, since we split up.

Me too.

You really helped.

Anyway, I gotta run. I've gotta be at the airport in two hours. Right. OK. What?

Well, the plane leaves at four. Right.

So you're still doing that?

Well, yeah.

I mean, did you think? What?

No! No, I mean, I just meant four?

Is it? I didn't realise it was...

God, no. I just meant... What time is it?

I've got so much stuff to do.

I've gotta...gotta, erm... gotta go to the toilet.

Donna? No, I'm just really bursting.

Joe!

There.

Brilliant.

Now that's out of the way I'll be completely normal.

Relatively.

Gotta get back, I'm working.

Give me a call, we'll go out tonight. OK. Great. That's great!

Louise... How did you know where I lived?

Women's intuition...

and your credit card and the internet.

The cab's here, Donna.

I mean, don't you wanna say goodbye?

I'm having a poo.

Right.

Are you all right?

Yeah. I'm great.

Donna, I don't know when I'll get to see you again. I mean don't you wanna...?

Have a good time in Italy.

No, wait!

(Shit.)

Look, erm...Karl?

I'm not all right, OK? I'm...

I'm very bad.

I don't want to stop you from going, honest, I don't,

but just, last night... I felt something and...

I can't believe I'm doing this to you but...

All right, look. Just give me five minutes, OK? That's all I ask.

And then if you decide...