Original subtitles

You are my nearest and dearest, you see.

And you mean all the world to me.

When you are by my side, the shadows run and hide.

Oh, how great it can be.

You are my nearest and dearest, you know.

And I need you wherever I go.

And when you hold my hand, it's like a wonderland.

You know that I love you so.

I hope the day comes soon when we'll be always together.

You and me, you know that you will be my nearest and dearest forever.

Oh, can't you see? Cause I love you, come rain or come shine.

And I know you will always be mine.

I want the world to see that you will always be the nearest and dearest to me.

Miss!

Miss!

Miss! Miss!

Miss! Miss!

Miss!

Miss!

Hang on just a minute, darling.

You see... I say, could you spare a minute? You see, what I wanted to

talk... Oh, I nearly had me.

A woman can't walk the street these days.

Hello there.

I've got something for you.

Oh, have you now?

Don't expect me to fall for that.

How do I know you're not the Boston Dangler?

If you've got anything for me, you can stick it through the letterbox.

it might be too big well i'm not opening the door so you'll just have to try and

squeeze it through all right then but be ready to get hold of it oh i'm a

fool oh thank you very glad

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Oh, gone at last.

No, I bloody haven't. Oh, Dad, I thought you'd gone.

Well, I haven't.

I am glad you haven't. I brought you some lovely black bunnies for your tea.

Oh, well, I left it till tea time. I suppose I'll enjoy them.

Now, keep your hands off this sheet. You're too bloody quick with it

altogether. Well, you keep telling me you're going.

Well, I might be, but I'm not in any hurry.

You'll know when I'm going.

I'll take my teeth out.

You'll what?

You'll do.

If you're not being laid out in the parlour then, if you take your teeth

out, you're going to be laid out in the kitchen.

That'll have to be.

Them teeth are promised.

Promised? Yes, to old Stan Hardman.

Stan Hardman? What the hell's he going to do with them?

Well, the only thing he's going to do with them.

Oh, it's insanitary.

Stick them in our pick overnight.

There's years in these teeth yet.

Hey, any news of her, Eli?

No. Nice, isn't it?

Fifteen years he's been away and he can't come home to see his father go.

Have you tried to get in touch?

Of course I have. Trekked all the way to Manchester, I did, to the newspaper

office. And I told the young woman there I said I wanted to put my brother in her

smalls. Oh.

You put one of them come home advertisements in, did you?

Mm.

But I forget.

Can a real eye read?

Oh, of course it can. Don't you remember?

They taught him to read in the army.

Well, I hope he's not late for the funeral.

I don't think he will be.

I've never known how a real eye miss a good do.

Here you are, Freda.

Fried cod, chips and mushy peas.

But you said you were taking me out to dinner.

Well, you're out, aren't you? And there's your dinner.

Oh, that's hot!

Well, that bloody will save for you tonight.

For the third time tonight, that's not the gear lever.

Sorry.

Here, Norm.

Here, Eli.

What? He says here that you're wanted.

Wanted? Who, me?

Not the police?

No, it's your sister, Nellie. Bloody Nora, that's even worse.

Hey, let's have a look.

Where?

There, where the vinegar's soaked through.

Why? Says I've got to get home as quickly as possible.

Me dad's stuffing it. You'd better get out, love.

All right, well, I mean, he'll have to be there before he goes.

Hey, surer than that. Boy, he makes his will out.

Never could spell my bloody name.

Go on, out you get. All right. Go on. You can't just leave me here.

I haven't even got my bus fare.

Won't you give me anything?

Yeah, take these. You might be able to flog them back to the chippy.

Oh!

You're a fine one, aren't you? Don't be leaving me here.

These are all the brutes.

Each one will give you their own every morning.

Oh, what's in them?

It's sugar and tea, you know, all mixed up. And what do I have to do with them?

Well, you put them in a teapot and pour water on them. That's easy enough.

No, not like that.

Oh. No, you empty them into a teapot. Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Well, I thought you'd have guessed.

Water's got to be boiling and all.

Oh, there's a lot to it, isn't there?

Oh, I hope I remember it.

Oh, Benny Guevara.

Helping you to get it all in, is he?

Oh, he can't keep it up at his age, no. That is trouble.

Oh, he knows how it's done.

I've seen the day when Virts had 24 women under him on this factory floor.

I've had my ups and downs.

Scarlett O'Hara.

What's that you've nearly got on, eh? Is it a frock or a big elastoplast?

Oh, it's my mini-miniskirt, Miss Nellie. Hmm.

Well, I wouldn't go out in that if I were you.

You could very easily get chapped.

Put your eyes back on your head, you.

Now, look what you've done.

You've made this unfit for human combustion.

I'm the new sea lad.

They said I'd have to start at the bottom.

Oh, yes.

What are you trying to do? Make us bankrupt, kid? Well, it's only my second

job. Yeah?

Well, what were you in your last job?

with that black armband.

Hasn't he gone yet, then?

He promised to me, you know.

I'm having neck-end for my teeth tonight.

I've not been able to chew it for years.

Well, you'll just have to wait, won't you? And stop wearing that flag at half

-mast. They might see you.

What was it you wanted?

Well, I'd like to talk to you about my career at Pledgey Spittles after.

After what?

After he snuffed it.

Don't talk like that about him. That's awful.

I mean, he's still hot in his bed, not cold in his grave.

He's not up there yet, you know, in the great behind.

So get that horse in that flaming stable, will you? This is a yard you're

stood standing in, not a flaming rhubarb batch.

So you managed to get back here, then?

Yes.

Hey,

I'm not too late. He's not gone, has he?

No, he's upstairs, if you want to catch him.

What are you wearing the black coat for?

Are you rehearsing?

So, after 15 years, it's back, eh?

I was thinking of you the other day when I went to see that picture.

The Sound of Music.

Oh, yes.

They remind you of the hero.

No, it was that song they sang.

Idle Swine.

I'll say this for you, Nellie. After 15 years, you have not changed, love.

Have I not?

You're still a bloody ugly.

You've changed.

Have I?

Who lifted it for you?

Macalpines?

Well, did you get married or anything?

Well, I didn't get married.

I don't know about anything.

What are you going to tell your wife when you do get married?

I mean, all these women.

Your wife will want to know where you've been.

I mean, I'd want to know where my fella's been.

God knows where you've been.

I'm your sister and even I don't know where you've been.

Where have you been?

Oh, here and there.

Mostly there.

How about you?

Me?

Isn't it oblivious?

I've been stood standing at that factory pickling all day, while he's been lay

lying up there, dying.

I don't mean that, you daft old ratbag.

I mean, did you never get wed?

No, I didn't want.

Well, I wanted, but... What about that horse knacker you were going out with?

Horse knacker?

That man was a veterinary surgeon.

That man had healing hands.

He taught me a thing or two. Oh, did he?

And how about that lay preacher that was sniffing around?

Sniffing around?

You should wash your mouth out when you intone that man's memory.

That man went as a missionary to darkest Niagara.

He must have put the bloody wind up him.

I shall inhale that remark.

Now listen, have you come here to insult me or have you come home to see your

dad? Which or both?

I'm going up now.

He could have snuffed it while you were nattering on down here.

Don't. Certainly hasn't, you big-bellied brewer's boil.

Oh, look, it's tempest.

Must get a little hand put on this watch.

It's the anointed hour.

You are?

It's the only pleasure he has these days.

Dad? Dad?

Who is it? It's me. Who the hell's Mr. Me?

Don't you recognise me?

I'm your new window cleaner.

How am I ever like the new window cleaner? It's me, Eli.

There's younger than thee. I was younger than me when I left. I tell you, it's

Eli. How do I know you're Eli? You might have come to steal the secret of me

gherkins. You're a great galloping clog iron. I don't want to get my hands on

you gherkin.

Eli.

Eli, you've come back.

I'm not exciting him, are you?

Exciting him?

If he goes on like that much longer, I'll be in there with him. He's come

back, Nellie.

Our Eli.

Now see what you've done.

He's had a prolapse.

Better have a pill.

Is he on the pill?

I don't want a pill.

You know what Dr. Arkwright said?

You've got to have it three times a day.

No wonder he's bloody flagging. Come on. Swallow it. I can't. I'm too dry.

It doesn't say anything about dissolving it in a pint of bitter. Come on.

Swallow it.

There you are. I told you.

You awkward flamer. Let him suck it.

Suck it?

That pill is the product of years of research by desiccated scientists.

Not a flaming mint imperial.

He can swallow it. He can't. He hasn't got enough spit.

I'll get him a glass of water.

Yeah.

See? That wasn't difficult, was it? Not at all.

Come on.

Just a minute. I want a word with both of you. Oh, well, we haven't got time,

you know, to be sat sitting around here, you know. We've got things to do. You

know, there's arrangements to be made. What for?

Well, for... after.

After what?

After you've gone, Dad.

Oh.

Are you having to do it spread eagle?

No, I thought the brown cow was nicer, really. I mean, besides, it's been all

modernised.

I don't like Dale at brown cow.

Oh. You won't be there, will you?

Hey, I've just had a thought.

Why don't we have to before he goes?

Then he can come with us.

That's a good idea.

Oh, no, it won't be right.

I mean, we couldn't say what a good send-off we'd given you with you sat

sitting there supping brown ale.

What have you done about me headstone?

Oh, that'll be lovely.

It says, um, tired he was and did not show it.

Ill he was and did not know it.

He looked down and thought it best.

To put him back in the old oak jets.

Oh, shut up, you.

I'm looking forward to seeing that.

Before I go, I want to make a last wish.

You won't have me to look after much longer.

And when I've gone to meet the great pickler in the sky, I want you to find

yourself the right fellow who'll marry you.

And you can spend the rest of your days pickling together.

You promise me that, won't you?

Well... There's not many picklers about, but... I promise.

Dad? Yes, Frank?

Frank?

I'm glad you've come back, Frank.

Frank?

He has gone, hasn't he?

There's room for us two in there, you know.

Are you coming in?

I'm not going down there.

When I die, I'm donating my body to medical science.

Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?

And what about on the day of adjudication, when Gabriel sounds his

horn? Where will you be?

Eh?

Scattered all over the infirmary in jam jars.

You'll be better off in there with us.

Hello. Here they are.

Burke and Eyre.

Oh, you got here last hour, Lily.

Well, he just missed him.

Oh, has he been?

I think he's been.

Took him a right long time to find it.

I'll bet it did.

I suppose you'd like to throw some soil at him, would you, Walter?

All right, then.

Not me, Cloghead. Him!

He's been right looking forward to coming here today.

Yeah, well, it'll be a nice day out for him, won't it?

By the look of him, it's hardly worthwhile him going home.

You'll not forget about that overcoat, will you, Nellie?

What overcoat?

You know, his.

You said that after the funeral that Nero would come in for our Walter.

Oh, yes.

Well, he'll be on his way up there now, won't he?

I mean, better collect it when we get home.

Because he should be there by then. Oh, no, love. Not so soon after.

Wouldn't be proper.

No. I'll call for it tomorrow.

Well,

he's gone now.

Aye. Aye.

Let's not see him again.

No. No.

He's with me mother now.

That'll bloody teach him.

Hey, look at the time.

Not hanging about here with you lot, you know.

I want to get home but for the reading of the will.

That's just like you, ain't it?

Never happy unless you've got your hand on it.

Wait for me.

And you lot, you've had your dinner, have you? Get back and get pickling.

Dad,

I don't know how you could treat me so flatulent.

Leaving half the factory to him as he's been away 15 years.

When I've demoted the best years of my life looking after you.

I don't want half share in a pickle factory that pongs from here to

Morecambe. I'd sooner sell up than get out.

But he did set up a trust fund.

£20,000.

Mind you, I'm not surprised the way he lived.

Look, the will says we've got to keep the factory going for five years. We

can't sell it till then.

I'll stink worse than vinegar beer. Well, don't think I'm happy to run the

factory with a cunning, conniving codologist like you.

I don't know what you two are mourning about.

He left us note.

Hello, Lily.

I mean, after all, you're only my second cousin. I mean, what do you expect?

Come on, Walter.

What about that overcoat?

Well, it's hanging in the hall. Anthony, you'd better go and get it yourself,

Walter, eh?

Is he still a blood donor?

Now and again.

It's about time he asked for some back.

Oh, the window to watch.

We're not stopping here to be insulted.

Come on, Walter.

Oh, I don't know.

Answer me.

Stuck back here after 15 years.

Hey, have you still got this?

Oh, you mean the boy with one of his cherries missing?

I remember my dad winning that on Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

He aimed at the target, missed it, the boy and not one of his cherries, though.

Well, he won't be going to Blackpool this week.

I'd book the room for both of us, you know, for next week.

Pity you couldn't have hung on a bit, Dad.

Oh, that means there'll be a free seat, won't there, Sheriff?

Of course, I'm used to the cost of Del Sol, you know.

But I suppose Blackpool will cost me note.

That's you all over, isn't it, eh?

Jumping on a dead man's seat.

Ah, well, now that I'm back and running things, there's going to be a few

changes made.

You won't be running it.

We'll both be running it.

There won't be no changes made either. We're going to go on pickling the same

as pledges have pickled on this sod since time immoral.

Nellie, I am only thinking about you.

I mean, after 15 years, you must be a bit knackered.

I am neither knackered, knockered or knickered.

And any changes made here will be made over my dog's body.

I told you. I told you. This is the place.

Come on, then. Come on.

Mrs. Snowbottom?

Rowbottom. Beg your pardon?

Pledges? Yes.

Pecan Tempura.

Would you come this way, please?

Oh.

Hell's bells, Nellie. I'm not stopping here.

We were nearer the sea before we got on the train.

Just think yourself lucky to be here in the first place.

I mean, you wouldn't be getting a holiday at all here. I mean, if it

wasn't for my generosity.

Oh, I know you're paid for it. At least you could have let us have a taxi from

the stake in.

Keep calm, keep calm.

Money is the root of all evil.

We're in Blackpool now.

Why don't you take a walk along the promenade into God's green air and see

the seagulls flittering and fluttering and dropping their little messages.

I mean, it's very difficult for a rich man to get a camel through the eye of a

needle. But the poor man is always welcome in the kingdom of heaven.

Is that where we're bloody well going now?

There you are,

number four.

Oh, this is nice.

Reminds me of Buckingham Palace.

Queen didn't have a room like this.

No, but the censor just stood outside.

Where's my room?

What do you mean? You're both in there?

You are?

In one bed?

I'm not lay lying in bed with him.

Touching. Why not?

That's not polite.

Here. How long have you two been married?

Married?

We're not married.

You're not married?

Well, you're not staying under my roof. This isn't my joker.

No, I mean, you see, we're not man and his wife.

We're man and his sister, you see. His dad was my dad, and my dad was his dad,

and so was my mother too.

What? Well, can't you see the family likeness?

You see, she was born when my dad was on short time.

Oh.

So you're not married then? No.

I'm a young widow myself.

Road to Rowbottom.

Mr Pledge, I've got just the room for you.

Have you? Yes.

You'll be all right back there.

Oh, will I?

Thank you very glad, I'm sure.

Pardon me for breathing.

I'm sure you'll be very comfortable in this bed.

Will I?

It's interior sprung. You know, it gives.

It hardly makes a sound.

Why don't you come over here and try it?

Come on, try it.

There we are.

Go on, try harder.

You won't hurt it.

Do you like it? Oh, I love it. I think I'm going to have a good night tonight.

I'd better be going.

Oh, must you?

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Right.

What the hell are you playing at?

I've been having a bounce on the bed with the landlady.

You'll get bounced up and down if you don't be of yourself this holiday.

Oh, I've got a fat chance of having a good holiday, haven't I? I've got

exactly 50 pence left.

So after 15 years away, your pockets are not exactly lined with gold, only

cigarette ends.

Ah, well, you see, I've been labouring under a very heavy burden.

Yes. Oh, coming home from the pub.

If I'd been boozing, it's because I'd been boozing to forget.

To forget what?

I don't remember.

Oh, shut up, will you? Now, this holiday, I thought I'd do what my mamma

used to do, you know. What's that? Put the money in separate envelopes, you

see. Like, so much for presents, so much for slot machines, so much for pots of

tea, so much for deck chairs, and so much for the landlady for the lodgings

at the end of the week.

And Nellie?

And so much spending money for our A-line.

Oh, town Nellie. How much? Two hundred.

Pounds? Pants.

Two quid?

That won't go far with a Blackpool jet set.

You think yourself lucky. I'm only lending you that, you know. Glad you've

got a better room than I've got.

Hang about.

That one's mine.

Oh, that's mine.

Hey, Nellie.

You've forgotten the... This is your flaming case.

I was going to tell you, you'd forgotten the housekeeping money.

Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five.

Hmm, I think I'd better keep it safe in my pocket.

Yes, it'll be much safer there.

Oh, look out, Crumpet. Here I come.

Dear Dad.

Oh, hell, Nellie, what are you thinking about? You are a fool.

Dear Auntie Bertha.

Off out, are you?

Uh, who, me?

Is that money burning a hole in your pocket?

That money you gave me wouldn't burn a hole in a string vest.

Oh, isn't it nice to get away from ponging picklers and mithering

relations?

And it'll be nice to make new friends and see new faces.

What, like these two, you mean?

Oh, no.

Well, if it's not our... lie an hour nearly.

Oh, what in hell in carnation are you two doing here?

Well, we're here on our second honeymoon.

We're going to try to, um, well, you know, recapture the moment.

Are you, Walter?

Are you going to try to recapture it?

Do you think he'll remember it?

Come on, lover.

We're off to the beach.

Well, leave the room now, please.

Oh, shut up.

Mind you don't spend too much money. Thank you very much.

Hurry, hurry, hurry! All the fun at the fair!

Ring a bell there, me lucky lads.

This should show me manly powers.

All right, sir. Thank you.

Oh, look at that.

Thank you.

Here's some more. There we are.

There we go.

Eli!

Freda! Fancy me knocking you out of bed?

Well, that's show business, isn't it?

Hey,

two more of the same with all the fruit salad.

another one of them and I'll take off.

I hope so.

Oh, you must have really got something out of that wheel the way you're

splashing out tonight.

I think my pocket sprung a leak.

Oh, Eli.

Be careful, love. That's a tender spot.

Some of the blokes on the side shows aren't very good with their balls.

I'm fed up with going in and out on that bed.

I'd do anything to get a different sort of job.

Anything? Anything.

Anything at all.

How good are you at taking things down?

What do you mean?

Cheeky. I mean like shorthand.

I suppose I could learn.

Why? Well, I'll tell you. When I get home, you see, I'm going to make pledges

pickles up to date.

Yes, I'm going to get myself a secretary.

I'm thinking of giving some interviews.

Go on, then.

Interview me.

Come on.

Ask me a question.

When can you start?

As soon as you get back home.

Oh, look, there's my friend Mavis. You know, the sword swallower.

She looks outcut.

Listen, I won't be long. I'm just going to have a word with her. All right.

Where am I?

Why do you need a secretary?

I thought you were trying to get your half out of it without having to work.

I've got to find some mug that will marry Anne Lally. I've got to fix that

up first.

The last one.

Oh, bloody hell, there's that man a burning small piece.

Now, well,

if

it isn't burning small piece. Remember me?

Well, I'll go to our house if it isn't thee, live pledge.

I haven't seen you for years.

Not since that pickling contest at Bellevue, when me dad won first prize

for showing his champion gherkin.

Hey, are you still in the pickling business in Oldham? I am, that lad.

Well, it is nice to see you again, Vernon.

Come and have a drink.

On holiday with the wife, are you, Vernon? No, not me.

I never got married.

Oh, I'll be back to see that.

No, I will.

What about that drink, then, Eli?

Oh, there you are then.

Oh, I've never had any time of patience for mucking about with women.

But I must say, at times, it does get a bit lonely.

I wonder you're bloody lonely.

Yeah, I suppose at your time of life. You must miss the little woman round the

house, somebody to... to the cooking for you. Warm the slippers in front of the

fire.

Well, to tell you the truth, Eli, for some reason...

Women don't seem to find me attractive.

I'm not surprised.

Really, that's true.

I'm here on holiday with my sister, you know.

Oh, I didn't know you had a sister.

She's not married either.

Partner's in the same pickling business we are.

Oh, owns half the firm, does she? And not married, you say?

No.

Hey, would you like to meet Nellie?

Aye, I would.

What's Eli's?

Well, now, how can I put it?

She's got all that Bracken Welsh has got, you know.

But it's just put together a bit different.

Aye, but I'm a bit backward at coming forward with women, you know. Nellie's

the same.

A bit shy and retiring.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll arrange for you to meet her tomorrow.

Sort of accidental-like.

Right, Eli.

You're on.

Have another drink, Barry.

Ah, that's better.

Get what out?

What are you trying to say?

Asking her for a date.

Oh, Bernard, you don't want me to ask her for you, do you?

Would you?

Oh, come on, Bernard, there's no to it.

I'll tell you what, try asking me.

But I don't want to date with you.

Look, pretend that I'm our Nellie and you're, well, you're you.

Now, what do you say?

How do, Nellie?

By the crimps, what a smooth-lining patter.

Is there no girl safe around here from you?

Look, Bernard.

Sat next to her, see?

Let your hand slide gently towards hers.

You caress her fingers with yours.

Morning, Vicar.

You gaze tenderly into her eyes.

Vernon, gaze tenderly into my eyes, you bloody great clot!

I feel so bloody daft.

There's no to it. You'll get into it. The scene is set.

You're there.

You're caressing her hand with your fingers.

You're gazing tenderly into her eyes.

You've told our Nellie what a fragrant flower she is.

She's all yours, Vernon.

She's mesmerised by your smooth line of talk.

Vernon, what do you say?

Grand weather for time of year?

Oh, bloody Nora.

I'll have to leave you now.

Our Nellie's coming along the prom.

Is this her, then?

Well, not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, when I mean not exactly, I mean definitely.

Is your Nellie Oat like her, then?

Not really.

She's more like that.

Well, the bloody hell's that.

That's our Nellie.

Come and meet her.

Ah, Nellie. I'd like you to meet a pal of mine I've just bumped into

accidentally. Oh.

and small piece and ellie oh how do you do you haven't had the pleasure of me

yet have you mr small fry small piece yes peace yeah vernon was just asking me

to go out and have a drink with him weren't you what uh oh ah yes and he'd

like you to come along before you go back to the digs oh thank you very glad

i'd be mortified at the pleasure mr codpiece small piece come on there you

go where do we go

Very good, eh?

Get some good turns here, you know. Yes.

Do you do a turn, Mr Little Bit?

Small piece.

Oh, is he?

Well, I've done a bit.

A bit.

Don't be so modest, Vernon. This lad here did the Maid of the Mountains twice

nightly in Accrington. A standing ovation.

How very fertile of you.

Well, I'll get him in.

Again.

Oh, only a small one for me, you Mr. Big Piece.

Hey, small piece.

Oh, pardon me.

I don't want to be impromptu, Caitlin.

Hey, Nellie, come here.

I've got something to tell you about Vernon.

You have ticked this answer.

Be like pledge.

I don't know such thing.

Get off. Sticks out a mile.

Well, I never noticed anything.

Do you really think so, though?

Sit.

Here we are.

I've just seen two pals of mine in the other bar.

I'll go and buy them one.

No, no, no, don't bother. No, it's no bother. You two,

Vernon. I'll see you later.

Hello, lads. Hi.

I was... I was just thinking.

Oh?

What were you thinking?

I, er... The grand weather for the time of year.

Yes.

What have they all done with you two?

You've got fishes like an open grave.

You know that big hotel we booked into?

Where Bert and me was going to have a holiday of a lifetime.

Aye, before it was too late.

Aye, well, they chucked us out.

He started it, you know. Did he? Oh, what? Do you know what he did?

No. He sent the wine back because he hadn't got a head on it.

Well, for that money, when he finished it off, when the head waiter made him

put his tie round his neck.

What the hell's wrong with that?

Well, they were holding his trousers up at the time.

And now we've got nowhere to go.

Oh.

We've been everywhere.

They're all full up.

And we've told them all, you know, we've got plenty of money.

Oh, I see.

Well, thank you, Maria.

Bye.

Leave it to little Eli.

Oi, Kama Sutra, come here.

I'll have a drab buoy in a pipe pot.

So you're in pickling too?

Oh, hi, that's right.

Do you like pickling?

Oh, yes.

Nothing gives me so much pleasure.

Do you, um, do you pickle with your wife?

No. No, I'm not married. Oh, I see.

I'd have thought you'd have had your nuptials attended to a long time ago.

No, no, not me.

Oh.

So there's no Mrs. Big Piece and no little pieces running

around in little short pants then? I see.

You're what they'd call an illegitimate bachelor.

Oh, you're a messy eater.

I'm still hungry, Eli.

Haven't you got anything else?

I can't pinch out more out the kitchen, can I?

You've had six tins already.

But they've all been pineapple chunks.

Were you with your pineapple chunks?

Aye.

That's funny.

I've had six tins of baked beans.

Oh, that's nice. It's going to be a wet and windy night, isn't it? What do you

expect for five pounds a night?

Aye, each.

Here. Hope you don't get into trouble, you know, if the landlady finds out.

Oh, don't worry about her.

I can handle her all right.

Down, down, down. Come on, quickly. Get up.

Here, hurry up. Hurry up.

Oh, buddy boy.

Oh!

Can I come in?

I've got something to give you before you go to sleep.

No lights, please, Mrs. Rowbottom.

Oh, you prefer it in the dark, do you?

I prefer the moonlight.

Moonlight?

That's a street light.

Oh, you were just teasing me, weren't you?

Yeah, I thought you might like something to help you drop off, you know, so I

brought you some cocoa and biscuits.

Shall I put it down the chair, shall I? Yes, please.

There you are.

It's getting quite close in here now, isn't it?

Yeah.

I like your gestures.

Oh, good.

That's better out than in, isn't it?

Oh, are you liking the room, are you?

Yeah. Good.

The bed?

Yeah. I'm afraid it is a bit big, just for one. Well, I like to spread my legs

a bit.

It was really designed for two.

At least.

You know, I've always wanted to meet a nice fellow with healthy prospects.

Ever since Mr.

Rowbottom fell off the North Pier.

You know, that night he was made president of the Buffs. Oh, pity he

wasn't made president of the swimming club, isn't it?

Oh, sorry.

Did I hurt you? No, it was a bit unexpected.

Oh, Mr.

Fletch. You do like to spread your legs, don't you?

Oh, Mr. Pledge.

I never thought you felt that way.

Oh, no.

Mr. Pledge, you are getting hot, aren't you?

Oh, dear.

I wonder who that was.

Lily, I'd been followed by a fella all the way from the pictures.

I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck on the bus, and I wouldn't

care, but he were four seats behind.

I'll have to go and find out.

Now drink your cocoa.

It'll give you strength.

Right, who's been smoking in bed?

Did you enjoy the picture, Nellie, love?

Well, it was called Un homie et un femi.

Well, what does that mean?

It means a man and a woman.

Well, what was it about?

Is he asleep?

Yeah.

Well, how shall I say?

Imagine there's a man and a woman.

Like you and Walter.

Oh, not exactly like you and Walter, you see, because they were French, you see.

And he wore perfume.

Oh.

Oh, heck, I've dropped a stitch.

Dropped a stitch?

That's nothing to the stitches they dropped.

Before you could cast one stitch on, they'd cast every stitch off and they

were a bed together.

Oh, do they carry on?

He sure is asleep.

Yes, love, we're probably a bit of wind.

Now, go on, what were you saying about this French man and woman? How did it

end? Well, I don't rightly know, you see, because this girl on me right, you

see, she was chewing glassy mints, you see, like this.

Well, I mean, I couldn't hear what I was reading.

Then... The fella on this side of me puts his hand on my leg, like that.

What did you do?

I says, here, here.

He says, where, where.

And did you move to another seat?

I couldn't. You see, my watch was fast in his button.

Eh?

No, the button's on his cuff.

Then it's just as if I haven't had enough of it. A fella behind gives me a

pelt on the shoulder and says, shut up, you.

So I said, shut up, you.

I gave him two for one. When I looked round, the picture had finished.

Well, what did you do?

Same for the manager.

And what did he do?

Well, he must have been a friend of his.

Because he chucked me out.

It's a good thing Vernon wasn't with me.

I wanted to know where to put my face.

Is this this fella you've met?

Have you fallen for him?

I don't know. I mean, how would I know?

Well, I only know that with Walter and me...

Well, it was love at first sight.

You should know yourself whether you're in love with him or not.

Well, I don't know. I mean, all I can say is that when I first met him, well,

he gave me a feeling.

Oh,

Mrs Broadbottom, could I have my cocoa?

For three?

You were saying, Nellie? Yes.

Now, look, I don't want you to think I'm nauseating too far, but is it the first

time you've ever had it?

No, I've had it before.

Who did you get it off?

Christopher Plummer.

In The Sound of Music.

See ya.

I think I'll be going upstairs.

This new living bra, I think it's gone to sleep on my chest.

Sticking to be sunburned. We'll be up as well.

Come on, Walter.

Dan?

All right, Sam.

It's nighty night.

Mind the bugs don't bite.

Ooh, the muck in here.

Stanley?

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee!

Oh, sorry, Mrs. Rowlotton.

Oh, it's you, Walter.

Stan.

Oh. Can't you sleep, Mr. Pledge?

about and get into bed, will you?

You what?

Oh, Eli, please, what are you after?

Nothing that you've got.

Eli.

Oh, the flaming hell are you?

I'm Bert, I'm sure.

You what?

How do you do?

Get off.

Oh, it's me.

Oh, hello, Miss Nellie.

Oh,

Miss Nellie, Miss Nellie. Will you blow that, Miss Nellie, Miss Nellie? Get off,

will you? Come on, come on. Get out of here. Come on, let's have you out. Come

on. Come on now, then.

Where's your mate? Now, come on. Come on, where is he? He's here.

Hey, who's this?

Is this your first reserve?

First reserve?

Mrs Rockbottom, what are you trying to incinerate?

These two have been with me many years.

Have they?

No wonder they can hardly keep their eyes open. Here, I heard you talking

downstairs, but seeing is believing.

Now, I've warned you about the carrying on in my boarding house.

I mean, I wouldn't mind, but they're not paying for it.

They'll pay for it. Oh, when I think of that fine, upstanding brother of yours,

how he has remained untarnished with you about.

He's got a lot to answer for.

Oh, oh, yes. Oh, and that's typical of your type.

Good night, Earl.

You could get 25 years for that.

Oh, Nellie.

Mrs. Rawbottom.

Is she going to tuck us in? Tuck us in? You big freeze-arm pit.

She's going to tuck us out. Nellie, Nellie, Nellie.

Go on, go on. And you two, the holiday's over.

Go on, get gone and get home quickly.

Oh, Nellie, Nellie.

Have a nice Waitspeak holiday?

Did you all find it very invertebrating?

Well,

on with the pickling. We've just had a big export order come in from Wakefield.

Milk,

Stan.

What's up?

You put no sugar in it.

But all I'm asking for is a bit more time.

The horses haven't been running for me.

No, I know.

Neither have the dogs.

But... Are you sure that's how much I owe you?

By the left.

I promise you, I'm on to a sure thing. I'm working on it. And this one's got

two legs.

It could be the best business deal I ever made.

Pledge is Pickle speaking.

This is Nellie Pickle. I mean, Nellie Pledge.

Hello, Nellie.

It's Vernon here.

Oh, have we come up on the pools?

No, no, no, no. Not Vernon's.

Vernon.

Vernon from Blackpool.

Oh. Oh, Mr. Big Piece.

Well, just call me Vernon, Nellie. I mean, we are friends, aren't we? Oh,

indelibly. How nice of you to call me up on the telephone, Vernon.

I was just sitting here.

Thinking and, well, I've missed you since Blackpool.

Oh, have you?

I was just wondering if I could come round and call on you, see you, take you

out, perhaps a day in the country.

Oh, I don't know.

I'll have to think about it. Yes.

You all right?

Yeah, I think I've got myself a mischief.

I've got this lump.

Well, this is where you'll be working.

The parlour.

More private than the factory.

Eli, I suppose your sister does know that I'm going to be your secretary.

Yeah, well, that will be your first job, you see. We'll write her a letter.

You can type.

Well, I've done a bit with one finger.

And my last boss said I had a lovely touch.

That's what I like to hear.

Now, this desk. Let's have a look.

Oh, Eli.

I can't wait to get on a job.

Hey, where would you like to have it? Under the window?

I don't mind where we have it, Eli.

What's going on in here, in our best parlour?

And when did the cat drag her in?

Frida is my new secretary.

Secretary?

We can't afford to have some flighty bit sat sitting on her brains, doing

squiggly writing.

Short and short, ass.

I know your tricks.

Luring young girls in here into the parlour like a spider to your fly.

She is my new secretary and she is working in here.

She is not parking her bits and pieces in this parlour where my dad was lay

lying stretched out in his coffin.

You never flame and use it.

You big girl's blouse.

Parlours are not for using.

They are for keeping.

For what?

For things.

Like birthdays and funerals.

And when we have them all around for Christmas.

Oh, aye. Like that Christmas, eh? When me auntie Ethel came round.

She sang one chorus of White Christmas and all the bloody soot fell down the

chimney. Shut up, you.

Shut up, you.

Come out.

Oh!

Pardon me.

Well, you've had your fling.

You can get right back in there and tell Flashlight Fanny to sling a hook.

I know what she's after.

I only hope you're right.

I don't think she could use a typewriter. She'd get trapped in the

keys. She can do the job flat on her back. I can see what she is. All

falsified. False hair, false eyelashes, false fingernails. Oh, and all that

cascara. So you can tell her never to dorken my dark step again.

She's staying. She's not staying. She's staying. She is not staying.

She can flame inflict in a flipping flash.

Anyway, I haven't got time to argue with you.

I have to get ready.

For my date. You've got a date.

Yes,

Vermin is going to call and take me out. Always taking me out. I mean, he's

taking you out, is he? Yes, he's calling here. And by the way he was talking to

me on the telephone, I wouldn't be surprised if very soon he's going to put

it to me.

Those terrible instincts.

No,

I can't go through with it.

I'll emigrate. That's what I'll do.

I'll go abroad where nobody can find me. I'll flee the country.

Ah, there you are, Vernon.

Don't get impatient.

She knows you're here.

She'll be down in a minute. Come to... Pop the question, have you? Well, I...

Don't be nervous.

Well, no, I can't. Of course you can. There's nothing to it.

She's just waiting for it.

Give it to her straight.

Come on, lad. Sit down.

Would you like a couple of tablets, would you?

I'm all over Twitter.

Oh, these heels.

Oh, there you are, Vernon.

Oh, lovely bloomers. For you.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, he's got a message for you.

Yes? Oh, there's no card.

Not that kind of message, you deft old... Now, now, now is the hour.

Well, brother-in-law, I'll leave you to it.

I'm off down to the spread eagle for a pint. I'll come with you. Not just yet.

Get on with it.

What are we doing stood standing here?

We can be sat sitting over here. If I keep him at it, I'll have my share

of the money.

Be out of here in no time. I mean, you don't have to get down on your knees.

I mean, to put it to me, I mean, you can stay sat sitting if you like.

Nellie. Yes. Nellie, will you?

Will you?

Oh, I will. I do. I must. I will.

Oh, say no more. Say no more.

Nellie, Vernon, here's to you.

And thank you, Vernon, for inviting us out to your engagement party.

Well, I hope it's going to be worth every penny. Good old.

See, this place has changed since it was the co-op cafe.

I mean, all those waitresses used to be fellas.

The leg.

Has he been?

Just as well, the way he's supping all that stuff.

Hey, I don't think most brothers are going to take these trousers back.

Anything else you want at this table? We'll have two of those with chocolate

sauce on.

Oh, look. He's spilling it all down him.

Lily, I think you'd better do this, because after all, he is your husband.

I doubt if he'd notice.

May I have the pleasure now?

You are?

Of this dance.

Oh, thank you very glad.

I've never seen your Nellie looking so happy.

Look at her face.

She's like a young girl again.

You come here often.

The music's loud.

I can't hear you, Nellie.

Often. You come here. You.

I can't hear a word you say.

I did enjoy that.

Vernon's a lovely dancer.

I mean, you can always tell somebody, you know, when they've got an ingrowing

sense of rhythm.

Did you know he was in the South East Lancashire Formation dancing team?

By the look of him, I thought he was the South East Lancashire Formation dancing

team.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Starlight Club.

Our bill with Miss Mimi La Vie.

That's not Mimi Le What-Not.

That's Mabel Gartside.

Yes. Her mother did some onion peeling for us, you know. She only lives up the

street. Oh, does she?

Hello,

Mabel.

Nice to see you.

I fancy her being a stage dancer.

Last I heard of it, she was a post-con doctorate. Oh, she can punch my ticket

any time she likes.

Lovely dancer, though. I bet she does a good

turn.

Oh, he dropped a glove.

What's she doing there? Stood standing there

scratching her back.

Oh no, it's a zipper, it's broken.

She's picking them up!

She's one of those strict teasers. I bet her mother doesn't know.

It'll put her in hospital when I tell her.

Get off her, Mother Nose.

She's getting her share of the brass, I'll tell you. Saw a pickling in a mink

coat the other day, I did.

Neighbor Guts, how do you tell our Eli that your mother doesn't know about what

you're doing? Does she?

And don't you waggle your bottom at me, otherwise I'll tan it for you.

And Bernie, don't you look at her.

She's doing things that no man should see with the lights on.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Is

she

with you?

No, I've never seen her before. I thought she was partly out.

Oh, yeah.

She's with us, yes.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

When's your breakfast?

Oh, not this morning.

What a night that was.

And I've got his bachelor night to look out for, net.

Well, Vernon shouldn't have taken us to a place like that.

What the hell did you want to get us chucked out for?

What the hell's up with you?

Just making sure there's nobody about, you see. Because I want to have a

private conflagration with you.

What about the wedding ceremony?

Oh, not the wedding itself.

About... After.

After? Hmm.

On the night time.

You know.

I mean, what's he going to do when he sees me?

Stood standing there.

In my shift.

Catch the next bloody boat to China, I shouldn't wonder.

Don't talk soft.

I mean, I'm in the midnight of my life.

And I mean, nothing's ever happened to me in the afternoon.

I just don't know what to do.

What to do about what?

About, you know, thingy.

You mean the opposite sex?

Shut up. Somebody'll hear.

What did my dad tell you?

I did ask you once.

I said to him, Dad, I feel I'm growing up and I'd like to know where I come

from.

And what did he say?

He looked me up and down and he said, I keep asking myself the same bloody

question.

What did our mam tell you?

Nothing. Well, did you ever ask her?

Yes.

She said she'd tell me after I'd turned 21.

Well, what did she tell you when you'd turned 21?

Well, she said, if I didn't know then, I never bloody would know.

Well, I'm waiting.

Well, Nellie, it's a bit difficult, you know. I mean, you see, men

are different to women.

I know men are different to women, Duff Clot.

I mean, I've read books and I've been to the art gallery. I've seen these

statues, you know.

There's one just as you go in.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh, these sculpturers.

They don't know when to stop chiselling, do they?

I suppose that statue is what you call a Greek god.

I don't know if he were Greek, but he was a big lad.

Well, what's weighing you then?

Well, I'm going to get married next week, aren't I? I don't want Vernon to

be disappointed.

If you're going by that statue in the art gallery, it's you that's going to be

bloody disappointed.

Oh, shit.

Don't want to wake our mother up. Not tonight, because it's the night before

our wedding, you see.

Hey, she won't get much sleep tomorrow night.

Hush your mouth out with soap, you dirty old man. You dirty, dirty old man.

We're going.

We're going.

We're going. We're going.

I can't find the bloody house.

Here.

I've dropped the key. I've dropped the key. The bloody dread.

How are we going to get in? I don't know.

I've got an idea.

Have you? Round the corner, round the corner. Come on, we'll go round the

corner.

I can't get my leg in.

I can't get my leg in.

I'll get you in.

Get the other one in. I've got you in.

I've got you in. I've got you in. I'm going to go down.

Where are you?

Come here.

Get me in. Come on, I'll get you in. Get me in.

I'll get you in. No.

No. I've got you in. Come on.

That's it.

Come on.

Who's turning the lights off?

Hey. What? You've got a noon on your head.

A what?

You've got an urn on your head.

I've never seen that before.

Hey, you and Ellie bought it today for your mum and dad's grave.

Yeah. It's got something written on it. What does it say, Stanley?

It says, to mum and dad, united forever.

I'd add a lot like that.

Why not?

He was a bloody city supporter.

Get up out of there.

Here we are.

That door opened.

Hey, be careful now.

Don't squeeze him like a lemon. He'll squeeze all the juice out of him.

Come on, lad. Do you want to go?

Here, come on. Here you go.

It's the first on the left down the passage. That's the idea.

Where's that champagne?

Champagne. Here you go. Get champagne.

We're going to have a party.

All right. Yes.

We're going to have a party like they did in Paris in the 1800s. A private

room at Maxime's. Ooh, Maxime's. We'll drink it out of a lady's slipper.

Hey, hey, hey. What?

Where did you get that?

I pinched it off that stripper we saw at Club of the Night.

Anyway,

we'll have a nice drink.

Wait a minute, I've got to get the cock out. Ooh, isn't that nice? Ooh, look at

that. It's fruity, isn't it?

Hey. Is it fruity? Hey. Hey, are you enjoying that? You going in then?

Isn't that what it's like raining in?

Oh, that's smooth.

I never felt it go down.

Hey, can I have a drink?

Aye, but be very careful because it's very volatile.

Is it?

Oh, terribly, terribly.

I think it is raining in.

Oh, I'm wet.

Oh, I'm all wet.

I'm all wet. I'm all wet.

I'll have to take my trousers off, Stanley. Hey, hey, hey. You strip for me

like that girl at the club.

I could do it better than that. I could.

Put some music on. I'll show you.

I'll put the music on. I'll put the music on.

Go on, go on, go on. Give him all of it.

Go on,

baby, go on.

Go on,

baby, go on.

Yeah, molo.

Cool, gorgon. We'll get you again, molo.

Cool, gorgon.

Yeah!

Oh, it's you! You flaming rent-a-grade! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get

out of here!

Get out of here!

And you, you slut! Get out of here! Go on, get out!

All right, Claude. Hey, Claude.

Flip my braces off my shoulders, will you? Yeah, I will.

I'll tell you what, I'll do them up for you. Oh, tell her you will. I'm very

good at doing up braces.

Are you? I always do me man's for her. Do your man? Aye.

What a funny woman.

Well, there you are. I've got to get dressed.

Here I am, Mr Eli.

Not quite right, is it?

I'll get this one, then.

Me nose!

Me nose!

Sorry.

Is that right? Oh, no, that's not right, is it?

What's the matter?

Pardon, I can't hear you.

Me nose!

Me nose!

Is that right now?

Will you get off me?

Now.

If I take that like that, go like that, go like that.

That's not right.

Now, if I go down like that, go like that. There you are, you're free.

Oh, no, Mr. Eli, please don't. Oh, Mr. Eli, no, Mr. Eli. Oh, please don't. Mr.

Eli, no, please. Look, will you get me out of it? All right, well, I'm trying.

It's not quite right, is it? Get off me!

Here they are, sleepy,

grumpy and dopey. Go and sit down, you.

Hey, how do I look?

You look fine. How do I look? I don't know. I can't see you.

Oi. What?

Swap hats, you gretators.

Oh, I, yeah. Here.

Ah,

that's better.

Now, who's got the buttonholes?

I don't know. Mr. Eli.

Mr. Eli.

Oh, bloody Norris. Get up. Come out of it.

We can't wear these. They're all broke, look.

Hang on.

I'll tell you what.

Look.

Get these. Put one of those in your buttonhole.

Here. Here you are. One for you.

Hey, these are plastic.

Oh, shut your mouth. You're a Russian, not a bridesmaid, aren't you? Go on. Get

off. Go on. Get lost. Go on. Hop it. Go on. Mr. Eli, you can have mine.

Oh, thanks very much.

Bloody idiot.

Well, this is it, Perdue. The point of no return. Journey into the unknown.

Stop saying that, Eli. The union of two great pickling factories, and I'll let

you run both concerns.

That felt like Ethel.

It is Ethel.

Hey, and as I'm a sleeping partner, I'll let you know where to send me money

every week. That suits me fine, Eli.

Good old... You!

Bloody hell, Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire!

Come on, love. Down you get.

How do I look?

You look radiant, love.

Never thought I'd see the day.

Mrs. Vernon Smallpiece.

Come on, love.

and small piece. Yes.

Well, I am a court bailiff.

I've come here to arrest you for ignoring a court order to pay a debt.

Well, I'm just getting married, then I can settle it all up. You what?

I'm afraid you'll have to postpone your wedding.

You've got to come with me.

You can't arrest him.

He's a very wealthy old and pickle manufacturer.

A former old and pickle manufacturer who is now a bankrupt.

He owes money all over Lancashire, that fellow.

I thought you were going to put money into the firm, not take it out.

You'll be lucky.

We know you are. You won't have a factory left.

Oh, you rotten Lancashire layabout.

Do you mean to tell me you were only marrying Anne Nellie for her money? Can

you think of another reason?

It'll probably do me a favour. Come on. And if they ever let you out, don't you

come back here.

How the hell am I going to tell them?

Where's he gone?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God and in the face

of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy

matrimony. Excuse me, Your Reverence.

No, no, I can't be joined to him in holy matrimony. You see, I only live with

him. You see, I mean, I can't marry him.

He's my brother.

Excuse me, Matt.

There's been a bit of a hitch, love.

Bit of a hitch? What do you mean?

Where's Vernon?

He's gone.

Gone?

But he's coming back.

No, he's not, love.

Well, I thought... You see, it's all over.

They've arrested him.

He owed money all over the place.

Well, I thought... So did I.

But to tell you the truth, Millie, it's not that you that he wanted.

It's the factory.

He wanted to get himself out of trouble.

So he never wants him?

No, he didn't, love.

I made a right fool of myself, I hope.

Have you ever lied?

I have.

No, you haven't. Have a good cry if you want to.

I'm not crying.

It's like my mum said, there's not a fellow worth crying over.

I've sent my dad.

Oh, come on, love.

Well, at least I got something out of it.

What? A sideboard full of presents.

And if they want them back, well, I mean, at least I'll have had them once.

Hey.

You've still got me.

Yeah, God help me.

Well, come on, let's collect that lot and let's get home and have the do.

You're not still having the do.

We've got to have somebody to help us to eat all that boil down.

Come on.

Just a minute. You're supposed to be on my right.

All right.

You

are

my

nearest and dearest, you see.

And you mean all the world to me.

When you are by my side, the shadows run and hide.

Oh, how great it can be.

You are my nearest and dearest, you know.

And I need you wherever I go.

And when you hold my hand, it's like a wonderland.

You know that I love you so.

I hope the day comes soon when we'll be always together.

You and me, you know that you will be my nearest and dearest forever.

Oh, can't you see? For I love you, come rain or come shine, and I know you will

always be mine.

I want the world to see that you will always be the nearest and dearest to me.