Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an

avalanche. Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found and miraculously

brought back to life over 40 years later.

Wow, year 10, that was amazing.

And I know how much work has gone into that dance routine, so you should be

really proud of yourselves.

Now... To finish the Christmas show, we have a very special performance from St.

Erin's Primary School. Skipper.

Skipper.

Excuse me.

Change of plan.

I'm doing the finale.

What about the choir?

They are awful.

Just embarrassingly bad. They'll get booed off.

I'm doing this for them.

Here you go.

Right.

To finish things off with some traditional Christmas cheer, please give

a big round of applause for everyone's favourite teacher, Mr Mammoth, and the

canteen's very own songbird, Miss Pickering.

Deck the hall with boughs of holly Fa la la la la, la la la la Tis the season to

be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la.

Troll the ancient yuletide carol, fa-la-la-la-la-la.

Oh, God.

You've left me no choice, Mr Mammoth. I'm afraid I have to suspend you.

Suspend me?

Well, I never thought they'd get to you, Skipper.

Who? The suits.

What's the charge?

Trying to spread a bit of Christmas cheer?

You were visibly aroused.

You could see it from 30 feet away.

30 feet?

You have to admit it was inappropriate.

No, I don't. Mr Mammoth, please.

I'm afraid you have to leave with immediate effect.

You're not getting away with this.

Come on, Becky.

We're leaving.

I hate that song.

Right, that's the Christmas food all in the garage freezer. Seriously, there's

enough food there to... What the hell's that?

Mel, meet Starsky.

School guinea pig.

Looking after him for Christmas.

Doesn't one of the kids usually do that?

Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. You're a good kid. You're a great kid.

You're just too thick to keep Starsky alive for two weeks, aren't you?

Yeah, I am, sir. Good lad. Merry Christmas.

I'm surprised you haven't been suspended earlier, to be honest.

Well, they'll have to reinstate me. There's a massive petition going round.

I've signed it.

Becky signed it.

Roger signed it. You can sign it.

I'm asking the skipper to sign it. If you've got time to laze about playing

with your little fat hamster, why don't you make yourself useful?

Decorate this place for Christmas. I already have.

Pulling at all the stops.

Mum? Grandad?

Start ski.

Here he is.

A little stud muffin with a Christmas card from a girl.

Merry Christmas from Saren.

She put a little, little kiss on the end.

Aww. Who is she? Don't want to talk about it. Fine, whatever.

I already know who she is. I found her on Instagram.

Turkey twice in a year. Parents must be minted.

Speaking of turkey, we have got loads of food in. Why don't we ask her for

Christmas dinner? Mum, please stop.

She's just a girl from school.

Barely notices me anyway.

Right, that is Christmas morning TV sorted.

9am, Morecambe and Wise, Christmas special, 1971.

Then we've got Morecambe and Wise, Christmas special, 1972.

Then it's everyone's favourite. As I keep saying, I'm volunteering at the

homeless shelter, like I do every year.

Why don't you come? I would, but I find charity work boring. We're very low on

helpers this year.

Apart from Imogen.

Oh, no.

Perfect Imogen.

Quite the little festive helper is Imogen. Nothing's too much of an ask for

Imogen. Is she single?

No. And she's very happily married, and don't we all know it? She's just a very

nice woman who Mum irrationally dislikes. I don't dislike her.

Barely even think about her.

The Christmas presents have gone to our house by mistake.

Leave it with me.

Your old dad will save the day.

Try over there right now and pick those up for you.

One soup.

Super.

There you go.

Oh, I'll see you later.

Nice to see you, you're right. Oh, sorry, don't mind me.

Hi, Melanie.

Smell. Just smell. It's always been just smell.

Oh, God, so sorry. What am I like?

I love your Christmas jumper.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, just that I love your jumper. It's really nice.

Is it really?

Is it really nice?

Cookie? All right.

That's so good.

Secret recipe.

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

Oh, your threats don't scare me, Imogen.

Right.

Well, I'll see you later.

Can you believe her?

Imogen's great, ain't she?

So generous.

Well, I'm generous.

Oh, I am very generous.

Here you go.

Would you like a coffee?

There's a loyalty card there for your boots.

Oh, and here we go.

40 quid.

It's just Christmas.

Soup. Super.

I have 40 quid. No, move along, please, love.

Soup!

Super!

I remember Leo Sayer telling me that you can clean a painted wall with a slice of

bread. Oh, what?

Oh, by the way, someone stole all your presents from the back of my car.

You what?

Are you kidding me?

No.

How did that... Why didn't you lock the car?

Well, maybe I've got a little bit more faith in my fellow man than you have,

Mel. Oh! Well, that's lovely, but your fellow man's just nicked my Christmas

presents. I can't believe this.

What are with these?

Oh, they're cookies.

I made these for the soup kitchen. They're meant to make Imogen's ones look

rubbish.

Those are going to look brilliant now.

You're not having much luck today, are you? First that business with the

presents and now the cookies.

Oh, she's going to love this.

The nasty cow.

She's a perfectly nice person, Mum.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's dead nice.

You know, she called me a bitch earlier.

With her eyes.

I bet she hasn't had her Christmas presents nicked. Don't worry about

imaging. Don't worry about the presents. I will replace all the presents. Oh,

yeah? How?

You've been suspended without pay.

I'll get a job, Mel.

I'm not going to let you down on our first Christmas together.

I've got nine decades of work experience.

I've got an unrivaled skill set. I can walk into any job in the land.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry... Merry Christmas!

Elves!

You need to cheer up.

You work for Father Christmas.

Doesn't get any better for an elf.

Focus.

Send in the children!

Now, of course, Christmas in the 1970s was the best.

Morecambe and Wise on the television.

A take-out of Watney's Party 7.

You're too young to remember that.

Mum. Santa keeps talking about the past. Can we go?

Don't go without your present.

There we go. Merry Christmas, young Jenny.

It's Ava.

Whatever.

Next. It was only a winter's tale

Just another winter's tale On a

worldwide scale We're just another winter's tale

I didn't think being an elf would involve apologising for Father Christmas

so much.

Thank you, have a nice day.

Two lattes, please.

Oh, I'm so sorry, we don't serve elves.

Oh, my God, Saren, it's me, Theo.

Yeah, I know.

Right.

So, what are you doing here?

Dying with embarrassment. Could they have put me in anything more cringe?

This, maybe.

Well, at least you don't have pigtails. I'd take them over these shoes.

Talk about toe curling.

Shouldn't you be walking around with a child with those dad jokes?

Yeah. And, look, how'd you like my bell end?

The bell.

Sorry, the bell on the end of my shoes. I wasn't... I didn't mean... Oh, God.

If you're quite finished, Casanova, I'd like my coffee still warm.

Did you like my Christmas card? Yes.

Christmas.

Card. I did.

Cards are great, aren't they?

You're making things worse.

Let's go, Romeo.

Hi. Hi, what can I get you?

And I'd like a new bike, please.

Oh, what about your lovely mum?

What would she like for Christmas? Mum likes wine, Santa.

Isabel!

Father Christmas is rather partial to the odd glass of wine himself.

Do you live in the North Pole, Santa?

Oh, for a couple of days a year, yes. The rest of the time I live very

locally. Do you know what they say?

When the elves are away, the mouse will play.

Does Mrs Cross live with you?

No, she's dead.

Yes, devoured by a giant polar bear.

Horrific. I live on my own now.

Her dying wish was for me to find true happiness. I told you to stay out of my

business. Ho, ho, ho. That's no way to speak to Father Christmas.

Leave Santa alone.

Kid's got a point.

I'm sorry, love.

I just need a private word with Father Christmas.

Don't forget your present.

Did you, and I can't believe I'm asking you this, did you put guinea pig

droppings in Imogen's cookies?

Oh, does Father Christmas have access to a guinea pig?

Will you stop doing that stupid voice?

I'm playing it.

I was just trying to take the shine off Imogen's Christmas cookie for you,

wasn't I?

Cause a bit of a stir.

Well, you did cause a bit of a stir because environmental health have shut

the soup kitchen down. Bloody pen pushers. Thanks to you, there's a dozen

homeless people with nowhere to go on Christmas Day.

At least they're used to it.

I was trying to do you a favour, Mel.

Well, do me this favour.

Don't do me any more favours, right?

Do you want a pair of football shorts?

No, I don't.

Next!

Oh, hi.

Saren, what are you doing here?

I didn't forget to pay, did I? No, I'm just on break.

I wondered what you were doing for lunch.

Santa doesn't let us have lunch.

He says we already get 50 weeks a year off, so... Shame, I was going to get a

coffee. I do really like coffee.

It's a really nice hot drink, you know? Trouble is, I don't like the coffee at

work. I prefer the Costa near mine.

I might go there tomorrow around six.

Six?

Well, that's a bit late in the day for caffeine, isn't it? You know what? Maybe

you could go decaf. For God's sake, she's asking you out.

Is she?

She is.

Oh.

Uh... Yes.

Great. Yes, so that's a date.

It's a date.

No, no, no, no. That stupid elf makeup you made me wear, this can't be

happening to me.

Oh, bloody hell, look at your face.

Yes, thank you, Grandad, fully aware of that.

But what am I going to do? I've got my date with Sarah at six.

He'll calm down.

I've got just the thing for you in the garage. One word, possibly two words,

sunbed. Well, aren't sunbeds, like, really dangerous?

Everything's dangerous.

You can kill a man with a brick.

You still build houses out of them.

I don't know.

Bert Rannells, Oliver Reed, me.

What have you all got in common?

Drinking problems?

No.

Golden tans and flawless complexions.

Honestly, 20 minutes on there, you'll be looking like Engelbert Humperdinck in no

time.

Come on.

Who?

I'm sure there's a very good reason why Grandad left you on the sunbed for an

hour and a half.

Walkman Wise.

Tom Jones special.

How bad is it?

Am I gonna look stupid on my date?

No!

Does this place you're going to have lighting?

Why is the water on the floor?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh!

The Christmas food!

Please tell me you didn't unplug the freezer to plug that thing in. Of course

not! I unplugged it two days ago to charge the car batteries up, but I

definitely plugged it back in. I'm sure I did.

I think I did, yeah.

I'm sure I plugged it back... I definitely plugged it back in.

Yeah. I can't do this any more.

Because of you.

I've lost my home.

I've been demoted. I've got no Christmas presents, no food and a son who glows in

the frigging dark.

You look great, love.

I wish you'd never come back.

No, I know you don't mean that. Come on, Theo, pack a bag. We're going home.

But, Mum, our house hasn't got any electricity or any gas.

And it's got no him either.

So it sounds perfect.

Oh, that stinks.

Ho, ho, ho!

Who's next?

Gary, what the hell's going on?

You didn't turn up for work on the busiest day of the year, Tony.

I'm only three hours late.

You're sacked.

Sacking a man?

On Christmas Eve? Well, not just any man. Father Christmas?

Well, you're worse than Scrooge.

Come on, Roger, we're going.

Pub and midnight mass like the good old days. No mammoth.

Not going anywhere.

Gary here knows how to treat an elf.

Go home to your family.

You're leaving me as well.

Looks like nobody wants to be with me.

Kids!

That's not the real Father Christmas. His name's Gary, and he's a wanker.

He needs family anyway.

I got this far on my own.

Where am I?

You're in a dream.

Barry, old mate.

You're dead.

I'm here to show you the ghost of the Christmas future.

Why are we dressed in silver?

I don't know. It's your dream.

I'm here to tell you something very important.

I can't overstate how important it is for you to hear this.

Oi! Mother!

Who could have fallen asleep in her own dream, eh?

Sorry, Barry. Go on.

I'm here to stop you making a big mistake.

You need to make things right with Mel and Theo.

They don't need me.

Mel was right Should never come back. Let me show what Mel and Sue's life

would be like without you Well, come

on you're supposed to follow me I need to ask you a question

I need to ask you the question Heaven

Is it everything we ever hoped and dreamed it would be?

What's it like, Barry?

Tell me.

It's all right.

Why were you in my house, Barry?

Just watch, Rammus.

And please, no more questions.

Oh, great game of paddle, Mum. Yeah, paddle's the best sport.

And it is a sport. No, it's not.

They can't hear you.

Oh, great.

The car dealer said we can get a good deal on selling Mammoth's Capri.

Oh, great. We can use the money to buy me an electric car.

Yeah. God, I feel sick.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

It's Roger, my host, Barry.

Will you shut up?

I've been giving all of Mammoth's old clothes away to charity.

Oh, thanks, Roger.

You know we love you living here instead of Mammoth. And can I call you Uncle

Roger from now on?

Oh, will you be my granduncle, Roger?

Of course!

And I think we all know I'll do a better job than Mammoth.

Five o'clock in the morning.

There's still time to save Christmas.

Thank you, Barry. Shut up and go get him, chum!

Roger, no, I need your help.

Can you drive a minibus? I haven't driven a minibus in more than 30 years.

Well, I need you to drive one right now. OK, but I must be back in time for

Christmas lunch. We're having turkey, pigs in blankets, stuffing, figgy

pudding. Sounds perfect.

Anyway, look, this is what I need you to do.

Hey, why can't you do this?

Roger, I can't do everything.

I've got Christmas to save.

Please.

Oh, it's you.

Can you forgive an old fool?

No.

I'll be honest.

I thought you were going to say yes, then.

Listen, Mel, I know you're angry.

Let me make it up to you.

I don't want you to make it up.

I don't want you anywhere near us.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, Grandad. Oh, your face has gone right down, Theo.

Told you it would, didn't I?

Mum made me sleep with nappy cream on. Ugh.

Listen, I'm sorry, OK? Just... I've come to invite you both over to my place for

Christmas dinner.

Oh, yeah?

To eat all the food that you ruined? Yeah, great plan.

Why don't we add food poisoning and the shits to the list of things that you're

going to get us? What's this Christmas?

I have sourced other food, OK?

And I don't want any help. I've already cooked it.

Yes. Me.

A man.

We're having a perfectly nice Christmas here, thank you. Just the two of us.

Although, there's no heating and we are eating petrol station food.

Not that I'm not loving my Monster Munch.

I know I don't deserve another chance, OK, Mel?

And I'm sorry.

But please.

I don't want to be alone.

Not at Christmas.

Right, fine.

Running because it's freaking freezing in here.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I'll just wait in the car.

Well?

Mammoth is beautiful.

It's like a Christmas advert and a good one like M&S.

Did you do all of this on your own? Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I had some

help.

Hot stuff coming through.

Do you know what, Mammoth?

I don't know and I don't want to know, but just thanks for this.

Sounds like the rest of the guests are arriving.

Sorry? I know you felt really bad that York Competitive Street got the Tramp

Cafe shut down. Homeless shelter.

So I've arranged a little present for you.

Stay there.

Merry Christmas, my homeless friends. Come in, come in, come in.

Help yourself to wine, beer, champagne.

If you're an alky, there's Buck's Fizz.

Or make yourself a shandy.

Oh, God bless us, everyone.

Well done, Roger.

You've made up in some small way for those mean things you said about me in

my dream.

Any chance I could stay, too? Of course.

You won't believe this, but somebody's stolen all our food for the Christmas

lunch.

On Christmas Day?

That's unbelievable.

Well, guess what I've got?

Figgy pudding.

Figgy pudding!

Saren, what are you doing here?

Mr Mama said she'd be here through my letterbox at six this morning.

Grandad, people don't really do that anymore. It's old-fashioned and... Merry

Christmas, Theo.

Well, don't just leave her standing there on the doorstep.

She's not a bottle of milk.

Come in.

I've told him. I've told him you're called homeless. You're not allowed to

say tramps anymore. Do you like being called tramps? Is that bad? You don't

like that?

Oh, hello, Saren.

Hiya.

This is just perfect.

Well, almost perfect.

One last present for you.

What have I told you? The perfect Imogen woke up this morning to find some pretty

offensive graffiti all over her front wall.

You what? The people believe one tenth of us are there.

Shall we run out of town within the week?

Oh, my God.

That is... ..the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Thanks. I know we don't always, you know, see eye to eye, but Christmas is

about family and... ..about being together.

Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.

Why are you off too?

Too noisy, innit?

Won't be able to enjoy welcome and wine, so I'll go and watch in the skipper's

house. What about me, slot?

Yeah, good point.

Excuse me, everyone.

What? Just wanted to say thank you for coming.

Tramps, if you want someone to stay tonight, Mel's got an empty house, 29

Mill Road.

Keys under the flowerpot.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Ah,

magic!

Anticipate and see their faces glow Forget your troubles who

are red