Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an

avalanche. Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found and miraculously

brought back to life over 40 years later.

Make it sparkle, please, boys.

What are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fist only.

Shake hands afterwards.

Mr. Mammoth, glad I caught you. I just wondered if there was possibly an option

for you to cover my lesson later.

I've got a bit of an emergency at home and you're the only one with a free

lesson?

No.

No.

Cheers.

Those bits of map.

Of course Paddle is a sport, Mammoth. Plus the kids like it. And more

importantly, the head of department, me, likes it.

Think we should get the equipment?

Paddle? It's just tennis for fatties and old people.

All the department needs is new sand in the long jump pit.

Hey, where you going?

Staff meeting?

I got arranged in with Cowley.

Everyone else goes to staff meetings, I work in my golf swing. Yeah, but

Cowley's not here.

What? He's been signed off.

Stress. Stress?

What's he going to be stressed about?

Certain members of staff.

Like Mr Evans, isn't it? I'd kill him.

The LEA have brought in a short-term interim head.

They've got a new bloke filling in.

Good morning, team!

My name's Mr Reynolds, but you can call me Gus.

I've heard great things about the crack squad here at Nolan High School, and it

is an honour to be driving this ship forward as Mr Kelly takes some much

-needed rest time.

Right.

Shall we have a look at your department action plans?

Oh, thank you.

Mammoth? Sorry, Mr, um... Mammoth?

Mr Mammoth. This is an all-staff meeting.

We've got an arrangement with Cowley. Yeah, and that's great, but I'd really

love it to be an all-staff meeting.

Cheers, buddy.

Buddy.

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm really excited.

I feel like we need a nice change around here.

The skipper had this place running like a well-oiled machine.

Well, he didn't address any of my concerns about staff in my department.

Now, now, team, I'm sure we're all pulling in the same direction, yes?

Mr Mammoth, maybe you'd like to share the PE department's action plan?

Oh, here we go.

The plan is... Excellent PE.

Could you elaborate on that?

Excellent physical education.

Yes. Well, I think you might want to brush up on that a little bit, Mr

Mammoth.

Do you know what?

I've not been up with this.

You may think you've won the battle, mate, but you haven't won the war.

Revolution starts today.

Who's with me?

My baby.

My big, strapping, handsome 18-year-old.

Feels like only yesterday I was kissing that face goodnight and tucking you in.

You did do that yesterday.

Now, we can't get the photographer today, but they're going to come

tomorrow. Oh, Mum.

What? It's tradition.

You love our mum and son photo shoots.

Do you open your present from your grandad?

Yep. Oh.

Well, I'd better go. I'm going to be late for school.

School? On your...

Oh, I don't think so, Mr. I've already phoned him and said you've got measles.

High five!

It's Boris!

Now, I know you said you didn't want me to arrange anything.

Yeah, because I don't. But you can't not have a party on your 18th.

What would you like to do more than anything in this world? Ooh, there is

actually a new manga exhibition.

That's right.

Hedge maze.

I found this great one at a National Trust house.

What's that?

Has it got a tea room? Let me think. Only the best bloody tea room on

TripAdvisor. I liked hedge mazes when I was a kid.

I'm not really into them anymore.

Fine, OK. We'll cancel it if that's what you want. Yes, please.

I'm lying.

We're going. It's going to be great.

People!

I don't think that balance spring's seen WD-40 since I was in short trousers.

I think you've got your work cut out there, Peter.

Could you like plenty of...

Time on my hands, John.

It's very therapeutic, though.

God, I haven't done anything like this for years.

I just feel a total sense of calm.

Skipper!

Mr Mammoth, how did you find me? Mrs C told me where you were. Not straight

away. I told her it was an important police matter and you were facing some

very serious allegations.

What?

I'm in the middle of something.

What, playing with toys?

What is this place?

It's a share and repair group.

People bring in broken things and we fix them.

This cannot pay you more than a headteacher salary.

I'm not being paid.

Well, they're taking advantage of you.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Running a... a sweatshop. No.

It's just relaxing.

Mindful. Well, for Christ's sake, Peter.

Meanwhile, some young buck's in your school taking your job.

Great. They found someone.

Oh, they found someone, right? Oh, you better believe it. Yeah, a right piece

of work.

The way he spoke to me, like I was shit on his shoes.

I've seen power corrupt, but this Reynolds, he's something else.

Miss Mansford.

Mr Reynolds.

Gus, please.

Is it right for Queen Lucy?

I thought you might like a little flat white.

You're a pad enthusiast.

Me too.

Well, I was actually thinking of getting some paddle equipment for the school,

only it's not in the curriculum.

Curriculums are flexible. Lucy, I think that's a great idea.

If you're passionate about something, I will bag you.

You get that equipment ordered.

I'll even give you a little game, yeah?

OK.

Bye. I love you. I mean... I mean, thanks.

We need you back, Skipper.

But I've been signed off.

Doctor says I need a break from work. Rubbish!

Do you know how many headteachers I've worked under over the years that have

had mental breakdowns? Hmm?

All of them.

I know a nutter when I see one, and you are not a nutter. I think people, myself

included, find the word nutter extremely problematic.

I've got no problem with it. It's very important for men to look after their

mental health.

Look, you don't have to talk about that sort of stuff, OK? Just bottle it up and

get on with it.

My dad never talked about his mental health.

And he fought in the war.

All right.

He didn't like getting on boats and didn't like loud noises.

Had to keep him in the house on Guy Fawkes night with the dog.

Sometimes we'd go on a bender for two or three weeks at a time.

Never really spoke to me, Mum or my sister.

Never once slept through a whole night.

But you know what?

He never once complained.

Stiff upper lip.

Now... I know what you need to de-stress.

I'd really rather stay here, Tony.

What's wrong with your wrinkles?

They're anti-clock hands.

That did it. Peter, why don't you and your friend finish up now and call it a

day? Yeah, lovely.

Cheers.

18.

Seems like only yesterday you were just little boys.

Yeah, mind how things change.

Can you believe I'm your boss now, Auntie Mammoth? Don't ruin it, Nathan.

Written down a few words to mark the occasion.

Is Mammoth coming?

I'm only here because he said I had to be.

Theo, 18 years ago, you were just a little tiny

acorn.

Look at you now.

You have grown.

Into a mighty oak.

Thanks, Mum. Please stop.

Yes.

The mighty oak has a point.

Sorry, there's... There's a lot of emotion going on right now.

Come here, you.

Now, we are going to have an amazing time.

Room for two more.

Hello, sir.

Hello, Theo.

Many happy returns.

Grandad, why have you brought my headteacher?

I'm de-stressing him.

Between us, he's had a massive mental breakdown.

Gonna be crackers if you skip.

Well, I think you know everyone here, Mr Cowley.

Except Harry.

He's a stripper.

Oh, you found the place. Good lad. Why did you hire me a male stripper?

That was all they had left. It was that or nothing.

Nothing would have been fine.

So, do you want me to strip now, or...? Oh, no, no, no stripping today. Thank

you. But do you want to join us in the hedge maze?

Oh, sure. I mean, you paid for the hour.

Might as well.

So do you want me to strip in the maze or...? No, keep your clothes on, Harry.

I cannot stress that enough.

Is this the worst birthday ever?

No, it's not.

It's the best.

Right, guys, first one to the middle is the championy!

Come on.

Sorry I didn't get you anything, Theo, but I didn't know he was going to be

here until Mr Mammoth. Don't even worry about it.

I get it. You can't smoke that in here.

In where? We're outside.

If you want my advice... If I wanted your advice, it'd be about being a

bellend.

Hey, Sunday out, bit of fresh air, be raring to get back to work.

Kick that cuck out of your nest.

All right, try again.

Hey, school trip's back on!

This is a dead end.

Shouldn't we go back?

No. Here's good.

I need a break from Mum, honestly. I swear she's getting worse.

Do you want me to say something to her at work?

I can make it official.

Verbal warning.

No, thanks.

Oh, there he is!

The birthday boy.

Hi, Mum. How did you find me?

I'm your mum.

I always know where you are. It's a little thing called Mother's Intuition.

She put a tracking tile in your back pocket.

Thanks a lot, Harry.

Grass.

Okay, so now that we're all here together, let's focus on the maze.

Which way, birthday boy?

Don't care.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Please, Mum.

Catch a tiger by its tail. If we just get to the middle, we can go home. I

just can't do this anymore!

What's the matter with you?

Is it drugs?

County lines.

If you're in a gang, Theo, so help me. I'm just fed up of you treating me like

a child. I'm 18 years old and I don't want you fussing over me anymore.

I don't want to do the mother and son photo shoots. I hate hedge mazes.

I'm going for a coffee.

How am I supposed to get out of this place?

Oh, he made it.

Oh, yay.

Championies.

What's going on?

Ah!

Found the middle, Skipper.

I really don't think you should have chainsawed through the maze, Mr.

Bammett. Bit late for that.

What's wrong with you?

Is it him?

I've paid you to take your kit off, Harry.

If she wants them off, they've got to come off.

You can't be shy, pal.

Not in your game.

Come on.

Nathan, no.

Hey!

I made you a coffee and a keep cup to take to school.

Right.

I've got your name on it in case you lose it. I know what you're like.

OK, so shall I see you at pick-up? That's OK, Mum.

What?

You can't walk home, not with your shin splints. The doctor's told you I don't

have shin splints.

I think I know my son's body better than any GP. God, I can look after myself,

you know?

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Don't be down on it yourself.

Theo's a man now.

He doesn't need you any more.

Sooner you leave home than you've done your job.

You can just sit down there.

and wait to retire.

Maybe get a cat.

I'm allergic to cats.

Well, a dog, then. Something.

You'll need something to deal with the loneliness, because you will be lonely

when Theo goes.

My friend Paul, when his kids left home, he bought a pet tiger, raised it from a

cub. They went everywhere together.

Absolutely inseparable, they were.

Then in 1976, they changed the law, and he had to get it destroyed.

Yeah.

So that's that, then.

Skipper here.

Oh, hello again, Mr Mammoth.

Do you mean Peter?

Everyone calls him Skipper.

Shouldn't you be teaching? It's Tuesday morning.

Don't worry about it. I've got it covered.

Cash your minds back. The summer of 1977.

The premier footballer of his generation, Mr George Best, and the

premier PE teacher of his generation, me, walk into Soho's famous Raymond

Review Bar with a couple of absolute stunners.

And I mean stunners.

Well, I'm afraid he's gone fishing.

He's been a bit tense since yesterday.

Had a bit of a stressful day.

Really?

Something must have happened after I left.

Just when I started to get him feeling like himself again, that's a shame.

But don't you worry.

Tony's going to look after him.

He'll have you married to some nutter, eh, Mrs C?

See you later.

Hooray, Skipper!

Oh!

Hey!

Tony, you're here.

Of course I am.

Hey, you don't need to thank me.

So,

what are you fishing for? Mullet, actually. Look, I don't want to sound

ungrateful, but really, I'm here for the solitude. You and me both.

What could be better, eh?

Two likely lads out on the open lake doing a spot of fishing.

Soon have that brain of yours sorted. Then you can march back in that school

with your head held high and kick that pretender out of your throne.

God only knows what he's up to right now.

When I joined this school, I

didn't think I would really be able to fit in.

All of you held me trade to become the best version of myself.

Oh, God.

We need you back, Skipper.

What are you using for bait?

Maggots. The man in the shop said they're the best for mullet.

We saw you coming. They are rubbish.

Nope, I've got just the thing.

Now.

If I remember correctly, the mullet is a very, very easily distracted fish. You

must get their attention.

That is why I always bring one of these.

Good sharp blast on that. Every couple of seconds, they'll be flying into your

net. Get in the water.

I'm sure it was catching mullet.

Or is it scaring bears?

Oi, sad case.

How was your birthday party?

I heard Cowley was there.

Could you be any more tragic?

You need to get a life, you wanker. Oi, Darren.

If I wanted advice from you, it would be about being a bellend.

What did you just say?

Um, oh God.

Distraction!

One minute they're a baby in your arms.

Next minute they don't need you anymore.

You got kids, Ashley?

No.

I'm 16.

That's a shame.

Mum!

Help!

What do you think you're doing? Get out of my way! I'm going to batter him.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Darren Malone. I know who you are. I

know your mum. She goes to my Zumba class.

I recognise you from your trip to Disneyland.

What are you talking about?

Your mum shared a picture on the WhatsApp group.

You were crying your little eyes out because there was wasps all over your

ice cream.

I mean, it'd be a shame if one of those pictures ended up on another WhatsApp

group, wouldn't it?

Like a year 13 one.

I'm in year 10.

Whatever.

Don't mess with the taekwondo, Darren.

I did two weeks straight in 2022.

I enjoyed it, but clashed with Theo's clarinet lessons, but... ..since I said

I was a natural.

You're weird.

You're weird.

Bzzz!

Right, everyone, into me!

Ah!

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, it's no biggie.

So, do you want to go get... coffee together?

No, can we just go home?

Maybe then we can get that photo done together?

Yes.

I can't believe we didn't catch any fish.

Well, I caught a few.

Before you started getting the mullet's attention.

Must have been in the lake for what, six hours?

About that.

Before the police turned up.

Anyway, my round.

It doesn't stop.

There's no off switch.

Roger, how do you do it?

Roger?

Sorry, what did you say?

Mr Mammoth.

It's harder now than it was when I was at school.

At least there he left at three.

I don't know what to do.

How do you put up with him? It was harder in the past, but these days...

Hearing aids?

That's what Mammoth thinks too.

No, they're just headphones.

Absolute godsend. I'm currently listening to a playlist called Relaxing

Rainforest. I just want him to respectfully go away.

Good luck with that.

I had a good run.

Forty years without him.

But then I always knew he'd come back.

Godspeed, Peter.

Right, here we go.

Now, Skipper, I've been thinking about your old... Back in the day, when me or

one of the boys fell a bit down, needed to just perk our spirits up, maybe

unwind, blow off some steam, we'd have a big weekend away. And I mean a big

weekend away.

We're talking Magaluf, Las Vegas, Tenby.

But whatever it takes, Skipper.

Whatever it takes.

I'm going to be there for you.

Tony Mammoth is going to be by your side.

Like a shadow.

Like a shadow that's there all the time, even in the night time. Like a moon

shadow. But not the Cat Stevens. Oh, God, I can't do this.

OK, OK, I'll come back to school.

Please, leave me alone.

Good man.

Well done. Well done, you.

Well done, us.

What a team.

What a team.

Cheers.

Now, I'm sure we're all grateful for the wonderful job Mr Reynolds has done, but

I am returning full-time as of today.

Three cheers for the skipper!

Hip, hip!

Thank you, Mr Mampath.

Now, there's some good news and some bad.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to reverse a number of the projects undertaken in

my absence.

including returning the new paddle equipment.

You've got to be kidding me.

The good news, we have managed to find the resources to refresh the sand in the

long jump pit.

Any questions?

No? Great.

Welcome back, Skipper.

Welcome back.

Shall I top up the car, sir?

Cheers, mate. Yes, sir.

Can't I just practice my long jump, sir?

Obviously not.

Because when the sun's out, just run about, remember?

Cheers.

Skipper!

Better think about sports day.

I think we need to bring back metal javelins.

I'm not going to break any records with phone ones.

Great.

Beach, baby, there are the sand from July to the end of September.

Surfing's fun, we'd be out.