Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an

avalanche. Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found and miraculously

brought back to life over 40 years later.

Incredible. Right at lunch, another three hours of Minda.

I'll change the situation.

I thought it raised some very interesting issues about modern culture

and that. You were asleep the whole film. It's three hours long, Theo.

I can't be expected to hold it in.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

It's out.

We isolated it for the kitchen.

Nice one, boys.

My lovely house.

Did you do this? I'm perfectly safe. Thank you for asking. Because if you

did, Mamma, I swear to God... Mum, I don't think it was Grandad. What?

I mean, what, darling?

I lit a scented candle this morning and I just don't know if I'll put it out.

Oh, Theo, that's so careless.

You could have killed us all.

Mystery solved, boys.

The kid did it.

Just hope to God he's learned his lesson.

I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions.

I've got thick skin, Mel.

In a way, I blame myself, you know. You grew up without a dad, never learned how

to become a proper parent.

I'm a very good parent, thank you.

But I'm back now.

And that's the most important thing.

You and you can turn this around.

Oh, my baby.

Can I go in the big hose, boys?

Yeah. Excuse me.

It's heavy, isn't it?

You can stay here as long as you like.

My house is your house.

Yay!

Always wanted my house to be like a 1970s shag pad.

Well, what do you think?

Yeah, do I have to sleep on a waterbed?

It's just very bouncy.

It is very bouncy, Theo. Does half the work for you, if you know what I mean.

See the calendar?

Yeah, made me a bit uncomfortable, Grandad. What? Why?

It's just art.

Oh, right, July's a little bit spicy.

Just get rid of it, Theo.

Right. Best get going.

Bloody gorgeous, Mel.

Aw, thank you.

Where you going? Tupperware party?

No. Just out with a friend. Oh, a friend, eh?

Couple of pretty girls on the town, foot loose and fancy free.

Right. Have fun, boys.

Don't look at or touch anything at Grandad's house.

I can hear you. Yeah.

Oi.

No.

Fair enough.

Oh, they're both brilliant.

Thank you.

Wow. You look really good, Mel. Really great outfit.

It's a weird way of saying it, but thank you.

I love your shirt.

Oh, thanks. It's from Fat Face.

Oh. So where are we going?

I think maybe some tapas.

Tapas. Wow.

Oh, that sounds excellent, Mel. Really excellent.

These are for you. Oh.

Shall we go then?

Time for tap house. Ooh!

You look with your eyes, sunshine.

What are you doing?

Get off him! What exactly are your intentions with my daughter? We're going

on a date.

Bacon and bread, please.

I don't like him, Mel. I couldn't care less.

Hi, Matthew. Nice to meet you.

Fine.

Matthew, 20 mammoth.

I might have been a bit out of order there.

You did have your wandering hands all over my daughter. I'm so sorry.

Could I have a drink before you go?

That's such a nice offer.

I'm driving, Tony.

Have you got any alcohol-free beer?

No.

Do you want some milk?

I love the house, Tony. So retro.

Matthew's actually a bit of a 70s head. Well, really. That's the best decade,

wasn't it? The music, the films, not the tacky, fancy dress stuff, you know, the

curly wigs and all that, but the proper 70s, you know, Gerry Rafferty, Dirty

Harry. No, you're talking.

Theo, go and get Matthew another milk.

I'll come with you just in case. I'm not going to burn down every kitchen I go

into.

Oh, the professionals.

Is this the one where Keith Barron plays a terrorist?

Who's a biochemist. Whose name is Nesbitt.

Theo, what did I say to you? Didn't I say this is the one where Keith Barron

is a terrorist who's also a biochemist whose name is Nesbitt? You did, and I

still don't know who Keith Barron is. As much as I'd like to stand here and talk

about Keith Barron again, should we make a move? No, no, me and Matthew are just

getting started.

Yes, well, me and Matthew are going for tapas, so bye.

It's been so nice to meet you, Tony.

Listen, have a great night.

Make sure you come back here later for a proper drink.

Right, we're going.

I'll see you soon, Matt. See you, Tony.

Now, take those with you.

Yeah, I'll take it with you. OK.

Cheers. Thanks.

Stop rolling around like a Spaniard and kick him back!

Mr Mahmoud? Skipper, if it's about the loser bib again, I am not getting rid of

it. It's a tremendous motivator for the boys.

I'm open.

No, I just heard from Miss Mansford.

There's been a family emergency and she's not going to be in for a few days.

I need you to cover for her.

As head of PE.

Well, it's more just covering her lessons and... As head of PE. So, like

an audition.

Prove I can do the job and then it's all mine.

No, definitely not. Gotcha.

Makes a lot more sense having Mr Mammoth as head of department.

I mean, at the moment, you've got a lion taking orders from a gazelle.

A capable gazelle, possibly, but a gazelle nonetheless.

And a lion would not take orders from a gazelle. You couldn't expect it to.

A big tiger, maybe.

Possibly a bear.

But I don't really know what a bear would be doing in the middle of the

African savannah.

Unless someone had opened a zoo. OK, OK, but it really is just for the week.

Nobody's expecting you to... To dot the I's across the C's.

Yes, I think I'd better go home and change into something a little more

befitting, a head of department.

Thank you, Skipper.

New referee, lads.

Tag the loser till I get back.

Get him, boys. Get him!

Sorry. My fault, Theo.

After you.

Oh, look who it is.

Why is everyone being so weird?

Everyone's afraid of you now.

They think you're dangerous.

They think you burnt down your own house.

It's been going around the whole school.

I don't want everyone thinking I'm crazy.

You're Theo, yeah?

I'm Amber.

Huh? Yeah, I know.

I've watched your maths.

Not watched you.

Watched you. I sit behind you.

If anything, I've actually been looking the other way, so... Did you really set

fire to your own house?

Because you felt that no-one understood you?

What?

Well, of course I... I... I

did. Yeah, I did.

I... I just want to watch the world burn.

You're the man, Theo.

Now, I think the only place to start is with the recent safeguarding issues.

First things first, please, Mr Cowley.

As you all know, I am Tony Mammoth, head of PE.

Well, no, that's not... And as head of PE, things are going to

change, starting with funding.

PE has been woefully underfunded for years.

Well, no longer.

And on my watch, I'll personally be overseeing construction of...

A PE relaxation area.

A PE solarium.

And a PE rollerball arena.

How are we going to fund all of this?

I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of measures which are sadly

absolutely necessary.

Chemistry, biology and physics.

Hands up, please.

That is one subject.

Science. Not three. There will be layoffs and job shares.

German and French. Hands up, please.

Interesting. You understood English.

As do we all.

You'll be reassigned to the P Department or offered redundancy. Well, thank you,

Mr Mammoth.

Plenty to think about there.

Now, getting back to the safeguarding issues.

Would anybody like to...? Obviously, we all feel that with the current

safeguarding issues... Do I have to listen to this?

Yes. Fair enough. Carry on.

We could take further action. Oh, just remembered.

Gotta go and get blood.

Yeah.

Just want to make some notes for me.

I'll read those later. Look forward to that.

Bye, everyone.

My parents are away this weekend if you want to hang out.

Unless you've got plans.

I never make plans.

You know, what's the point?

It all just goes to shit.

This weekend.

Yeah. Yeah, cool.

I'll DM you.

Well, well, well.

Some mammoth genes in you after all. Good lad.

Grandad, is it okay to pretend to be someone you're not just to keep a girl

interested? Of course it is.

It's just that...

Amber only likes me because she thinks I'm a bad boy. The whole school does.

Should I own up?

Theo, don't be such a fanny.

You've got a reputation, Elm. That's good.

That's why I spread those rumours in the first place.

Women love a bad boy.

See you later.

Wow.

Oh, Matthew.

Oh, wow, Mel. Another brilliant outfit.

Yeah, thanks.

Didn't expect to see you here.

I invited him over.

Oh, great.

Without telling me first.

We're having a Gene Hackman night.

We just watched The French Connection.

Took me back to Marseille.

The time's out there. What times have you had in Marseille?

Booze cruise with Roger?

No, on a rugby trip to Spain.

Marseille's not in Spain.

Driver was pissed.

Different times.

Another spellbinding anecdote. You're not going to keep talking, are you?

I'm sorry.

Would you rather I left so you and Matthew can watch your film in peace?

If you wouldn't mind, thanks.

Well, I'm going for a shower, but I'm going because I want to, not because you

told me.

Have a great shower, Mel.

Thanks. You're solid gold, that girl.

Make sure you treat her right.

Absolutely, Tony. Don't get me wrong, you're a bloke, and a good-looking

bloke, with a fabulous moustache.

Probably fighting the girls off with a shitty stick.

Used to play in the field, but not any more.

Not only with my daughter.

No, I've never been into playing the field.

I respect women too much. It's OK. She can't hear you. I know some blokes jump

from bed to bed, but honestly, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

Bloody hell, you're good.

I would not want to play you in poker.

Any plans for tomorrow? Just going to see Mel for lunch.

Sack it off.

I've got two free lessons.

Supposed to be covering geography, but I don't even like geography.

Me and you, man's day, a couple of pints, a game of snooker? I'm dreadful

at snooker, Tony. What darts, then?

I'm not much better at the old arrows either, to be honest.

Well, what else is there for a couple of stallions to do?

That shines on me like the morning

sun. Take me for a...

But shines in you

And then me and Matthew just hung out, you know, talked about stuff.

Is that why you cancelled our lunch yesterday?

To be fair to him, I told him you'd cancelled it. Why would you even do

that? As I was saying, I think one of the care home staff might be stealing

from me, but I can't put my... Matthew is brilliant.

And no offence, Rog, it's so nice to have a friend who can actually do stuff

because they're not old.

Yes, why bother seeing me at all?

I don't know, really.

Sense of loyalty, I suppose.

Duty, even.

Another great thing about Matthew, he loves the 70s.

He's going to make a fantastic son-in-law. See you later.

Theo!

Makeup!

Oh, I love it.

Now, you can be whoever you want to be and I will always be proud.

I'm an ally.

Yeah, Mum, it's not what you think.

It's what girly fancies in school.

What?

Work for Mark Bolan!

No, when you see Matthew later, send him my love. Actually, tell him I said hi.

Tell him Mammoth says hello.

Actually, I'm thinking of breaking up with him.

What? Are you out of your mind?

You'll never do better than Matthew, Mel. He's the total package.

I'm just not feeling it.

You can't finish with Matthew.

He's my best friend.

Thank you very much.

Mel... Matthew's in love with you.

He's not in love with me. We've only been on a few dates.

He said he's got it real bad.

He said, and he'll kill me for this...

He said he can't imagine his world without you in it.

Really?

Oh, I've not been getting that vibe at all. He's putting up a wall, Mel.

He's done it ever since his... ..wife died.

His wife?

Dead.

Oh, that's so sad.

I mean, why didn't he tell me? I didn't even know he'd been married.

Don't want to upset you and go through all that hurt again.

Want to get him over tonight for a meal?

Oh, no. For God's sake, Mel.

Have a heart.

All right, I suppose so.

Thank you.

Don't mention the dead wife.

Well, now you're finally ready, can you drive me to this hospital appointment?

Oh, I can't now, Rog.

Tell you what, let me pay for your taxi.

Actually, thinking about it, you get a free bus pass nowadays, don't you? You

lucky sod.

I'll see you later.

Marvellous. Mel wants me to come over for dinner, but I don't know.

To be honest, I'm thinking about calling things off.

I mean, talking to you about the places you've been, it's inspired me. I want to

see the world. The world's rubbish.

Just told you about the good bits.

Everything you need is right here.

What about Mel?

I think she just sees me as a friend.

You couldn't be more wrong.

She'll kill me for this.

She told me she loves you.

She loves me.

Well, that's even more reason to call it off. It's not right to be with a woman

if you're not emotionally on the same wavelength.

Can you please be serious for one second?

Just give dinner tonight a chance, will you?

For Mel?

For little Theo?

He always sees you as a father figure.

Really? Yeah.

He'll kill me for this.

He told me you're his rock.

I don't think we've ever spoken.

So I've spoken bond.

I said if you went away...

He doesn't know what he'd do. He said he... He'd probably burn down another

house or something.

But if you're happy with that in your conscience... I really don't want that.

I'll give dinner a go.

Shall I get this? No, no, you put your money away.

You're a good man.

Thanks, man.

Nice bag.

You're a shame if someone got unknown.

Set fire to it.

Hey. Hey.

You're right.

Miss Weaver's being like such a bitch.

She totally had to go on me just because I told her I think her English lessons

are pointless and I don't respect her as a person.

Cool.

I mean, some English skills are useful for everyday life.

I mean, cool.

I just want to totally teach her a lesson.

Oh, yeah, me too.

I am raging on your behalf.

Great.

I knew I could count on you to do it.

Always.

Sorry, to do what?

Set fire to a car.

We'll do it after school.

That'll show her.

You're awesome, Theo.

What am I going to do?

Grandad, I can't set fire to a car.

You don't have to set fire to anything. Just make her think that you are.

But as you're about to, head of PE, Tony Mammoth turns up and puts a stop to it.

You still look like a bad boy. You still get the girl. And you lose your

virginity this weekend.

Well, who says I'm a virgin?

3.30, staff car park?

Yeah. Thanks.

This better be good, Skipper.

As you can see, I'm up to my eyeballs in head of PE work.

Well, as you're covering, Miss Mansford, I just wondered if you filled in that

teacher performance form yet.

Peter, please.

I'm trying to focus all my energies on being the best head of PE I can be. You

simply cannot keep pile of work on me.

As I said, it's more of a temporary arrangement.

And don't forget, you're on the road to supervised detention today.

I've already done it.

Took about a lesson this afternoon.

Detention isn't really a punishment if it's during school time.

Yeah, but detention after school is punishing me, isn't it?

And I haven't done anything wrong.

Now, if there's nothing else, I read I've got a lot on.

Great.

I can't believe you're actually doing this for me.

It's so cool.

Yeah, well, you know, starting fires, breaking rules.

That is just what I do, baby.

I find it's the only way I can really feel, you know.

What time is it?

And here's another for when you get home, Tony. And jam roly-poly and

custard. All loves you, baby.

Eh?

Kojak.

Tell me you've never seen Kojak, Irene.

No, Kojak. What's it about?

Telly Savalas.

Playing a hard-hitting detective on the streets of 1970s Manhattan.

Oh! Oh, 1970s Manhattan.

Fancy. Jelly Tony.

Yeah, go on.

OK, quick.

Before someone comes.

Yeah. Yeah, no, of course.

Oh, you know what might be an even colder way of getting Miss Weaver back?

Like an e-petition.

Actually, it might shit her right up, you know. Come on. What are you waiting

for?

So Kojak's got the hostages out, right? But have you got to tell, they've still

got him. Then one of his goons says, Kinley's going to give me great

satisfaction. Then guess what happened?

He shoots their faces off! Jesus Christ, no, Irene, no.

Kojak's cool.

He just picks up Calvelly's body and walks out of there. It takes more than a

gun to scare Kojak.

Oh! Oh, bollocks.

Are you going to do it or not?

I can't do it.

I'm not that guy.

The fire at the house, it wasn't deliberate.

I forgot to put out a candle, a scented candle.

This isn't me.

But you know what?

This is.

So, what do you say?

Do you want to take a chance on the real me?

No. Fair enough.

Where the hell were you?

I look like an idiot. Amber's gone.

You were meant to stop me.

I know it looks like I let you down.

And... I will kill myself for saying this.

I was over there the whole time watching you.

Wanted you to learn a lesson about...

You know, being true to yourself.

Rubbish. You were in the canteen. That's a hell of a thing to say to your own

grandad, Theo. A hell of a thing!

General Ripolli and Custard? No!

Actually, yes.

Mr Mammoth, great.

Glad I caught you before you went home.

Here's the paperwork you need to do for tomorrow's... No, no, no, Skipper.

I'm sorry to do this. I know it's going to break your heart.

But I have to turn down the position of head of PE.

I... Cannot emphasize enough, it was never on the table. Yeah, well, I'm

taking it off the table. It's too much.

The pressure, the hours, the endless paperwork.

Almost cost me the most important thing in my life.

My best mate, Matthew.

I won't be needing this anymore.

Let's go, Theo.

Great. That is perfectly cooked.

Right, I'll give you 50 quid. Call Matthew dad.

I'm not calling him dad.

I've got a dad.

I've got to make everything about you.

Hey, hey!

Matthew!

You look great.

You smell amazing.

Why is that?

Nothing. I haven't put anything on.

Hi, Theo.

My... Favourite little guy.

Say hello to Matthew.

Hello. He's a bit shy.

Me and Matthew have got something really important we need to talk to you about.

Before that, though, first course, prawn cocktail.

Main course, roast beef.

And in the fridge for dessert, angel delight.

Both flavours, blue and pink.

Matt, Matthew might want to take a seat.

Come on.

Now, Tony, this has nothing to do with you. You're a great guy.

But Mel and I have decided to break up.

What?

Why?

Was it Theo?

We just see each other as friends.

Lots of couples start off as friends.

Give it five or six years. Please, don't make this harder than it needs to be.

It's over, Tony.

Fine.

Whatever.

We're all adults.

You can make your own mind up. It's nothing to do with me.

I told him what I was thinking of anyway.

What would a cracking young bloke like you want to spend time with a... ..a

crazy old dreamer like me for?

Goodnight.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, that's what I say. That Matthew, absolute time

waster. Nothing like you all, mate.

So, I set up a hidden camera at the care home to see if someone was stealing from

me, and guess what? Modern men like Matthew, they're nothing like us.

Two blokes who've been through so much together.

Two blokes who take a bullet for each other.

Inseparable.

I don't know what we'd do without each other.

No.

I'd love to find out.

It's a heartache.

Nothing but a heartache.

Hits you when it's too late.

Hits you when you're down.

It's a fool's game.

Nothing but a fool's game.

Standing in the cold rain.