Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an

avalanche. Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found and miraculously

brought back to life over 40 years later.

Is this some kind of joke?

I'll tell you right now, you cannot make Tony Mammoth look stupid. I did know

there were yellow lines there. It wasn't a crematorium back in 1979.

If anything, I thought...

The Capri had a touch of colour and class to what could have otherwise been

a very, very sad day.

Are you listening to a word I say?

For parking enforcement, please press 5.

Please press 5. Yeah, I'm on the phone.

Please press 5.

I said I'm on the phone! Right, hang on a second.

I'm sorry, I don't recognise that number.

Oh, don't block your attitude, pal.

Put me through to your manager.

Please press 5.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Please press 5.

Yes, I can't press 5, can I, you dick?

The phone's in the house, I'm outside.

Try speaking the number.

5.

5.

5! 5! 5! 5! 5!

5! 5!

5! Thank you. You have selected 2.

Recycling.

Now, I don't want to overly worry you, but this panic attack really should act

as a wake-up call.

I have to stop you there, Doctor.

I don't panic, and I never have.

A big drought, 76, everyone else panicking. I just put my Speedos on and

my shades and make some pina coladas.

And how many units of alcohol do you think you drink a week now?

30. 30?

That's 15 pints.

Oh, is it?

Well, in that case, 60, then. 60?

You really do need to start looking after yourself better. More fruit and

vegetables, a lot less alcohol, regular exercise.

Doctor, an avalanche couldn't kill me.

I'm sure a few points won't make a difference.

Just in case, I want to give you one of these.

What's this?

A referral for free personal training sessions at the local leisure centre.

You really should start thinking about making changes to your lifestyle.

Is it worth getting a second opinion?

No. Fair enough.

Thank you, Doctor.

The new Tony Mammoth starts today.

Lovely.

Please, Mum, not again.

I'm just saying, your university application won't stand out if you've

got no work experience.

Will it, Mammoth?

Absolutely. Never a borrower nor a lender be.

Yeah. Brilliant.

It's totally your decision, but don't blame me if you don't get into uni.

I mean, it's going to be all the fun of the fair, isn't it? When you're hanging

out round car parks with your mates, smoking wacky-backy.

Next thing you know, you'll be down an alleyway injecting spice into your

eyeballs. Why is it always spice in the eyeballs, Mum? Fine, I'll start looking

for a job.

Great! I'll start looking for one too. Can you both look for one in a different

room?

You've already got a job?

Yeah.

And I've got a new boss who's an absolute arsehole.

Turn me down for a raise.

Oh, but he gave your weird little mate Nathan a raise.

Nathan's not weird, Maureen. He's 18 and he still plays with Lego. Yes, with me.

And it's not Lego, it's Lego Technics.

It's not the point.

Why does he get a raise and I don't?

I'll let you down to that one.

And I say this out of love.

You're being weak. Well, you're not weak.

You're a mammoth.

Oh, thanks.

I've been in your position, a boss taking liberties.

Did I put up with it? No.

I marched in there and I said, you pay me what I'm worth or I walk.

And it worked.

More or less.

Are you joining the gym?

What, some jobs where the doctor said I needed to? I said me, a PE teacher.

Doesn't get any fitter than this. I think you should join a gym. What are

you trying to say?

Nothing. It just wouldn't do you any harm, would it? To get a bit fitter. For

me. And Theo.

Theo's kids.

Yeah, I don't think Lego boys are having kids any time soon.

Fine, yeah.

I'll join a gym. For you.

For Theo.

And for Theo's kids.

She's definitely going to have.

Hey guys, what can I do for you today?

I am here for a personal training session with her.

No, Grandad, she doesn't work here. She's a model.

I see she's a model.

Why did you let her go?

That bloke's leaving in droves.

Are you both looking to join? No. Mum only said I had to come just to make

sure he actually went through with it.

You still looking for a lifeguard? Cos he's after a job.

Are you lifeguard trained?

Just say yes, then I'll have a try. Oh, no, I actually am.

Oh. Mum made me do it before we went to Centre Parcs, you know.

Walter is a great servant, but a terrible master.

She's a bit full-on. She is a bit. Right, well, no-one's applied yet, so I

can take you up to see the manager if you want.

Oh.

OK. Cool.

Right, er... I'll be back in a minute and we can do your induction.

Come on, mate.

Induction, yeah.

I think I know where Jim works, pal.

Such a pity.

30 seconds. Start now.

Let's go.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, it's a moon. Yeah, that's it.

Well, they said I could starve straight away.

I used to be a lifeguard once.

The most boring job in the world.

I kept falling asleep until I discovered dexedrine.

What? Drugs.

Not drugs. Uppers. You inject drugs.

My old man, Stanley Mammoth, swore by dexedrine.

Said in the war one time he he said it for four days straight on him drove a

tank all the way to Libya in one go All the rest of the unit were in Egypt Right

Bollock him when he got back He wasn't even a tank driver.

Oh, yes, they don't make him like Steinman with anymore.

I Think I'm gonna be fine granddad.

I'm actually much more worried about people not listening to me I'm not much

of a shouter. I was exactly like you once obviously Better looking, stronger,

filled with confidence.

But I wasn't much of a shouter until I found out you don't have to be if you've

got a trusty whistle.

Is that bloke over there?

Feet off the table now.

It's as simple as that.

Well, I never... Tony Mammoth, it is you.

Terry Keane. I can't believe it.

You're looking so well. What a treat.

I'm here doing a spot of football with a few other oldies. Good to keep active at

my age. We couldn't believe it when we heard you were still alive.

I bet you couldn't, Terry.

I bet you couldn't. Oh, listen, I better run. About to start the second half.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Let's have a proper catch-up soon, eh?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Terry?

You'd like that a lot. Oh, yes, I would.

I bet you would.

Yes, I would.

A lot.

Hi, Mel, everything OK?

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

It's never better.

I love working here, I love it, so... I just wanted to say that.

That is really great, but I really should get on.

Actually, ignore what I just said, because, well, it's not all right.

Well, it's a bit shit.

Well, not shit, just... To be honest, I feel very undervalued.

And I am a valuable cog in this cog machine, and I demand

to be treated as such.

Sorry, I didn't know you felt like this. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I do.

Buddy.

Buddy-o.

So, I would like a pay rise, or I will walk.

No ifs or buts.

Sorry, but a pay rise out of the question.

Not really.

OK.

Yeah.

Mind games, I see.

Then I resign.

Sorry to hear that.

OK, I formally accept your resignation. I'll talk to HR. You can leave

immediately.

OK.

OK, I will leave immediately.

Yeah, I am gone.

Just watch me go.

I'm going.

Hester Levista, baby.

All the best in the future.

Happy to give you a reference.

What? What?

I didn't say anything.

Are you going, Auntie Mel?

Yeah.

I think I am, Nathan.

Can I have your parking space?

And he just sat there and let me resign.

What did you do that for? Because you told me to!

I didn't think I'd get the sack!

The man's got a business to run, Mel.

Can't have a mutiny on his hands, can he? You didn't give him any choice.

No, I haven't got a bloody job.

Even Theo's got a job. I think it works out, doesn't it? You lose your job the

same day Theo gets one.

Mad old world.

What am I going to do?

Why don't you, um... ..maybe open, like, a car dealership?

Make him a professional minder or something.

Maybe. Maybe it could be a good thing.

You know, a fresh start.

Follow my dream. Do something that I've always wanted to do, like, um... What

are you saying?

Pottery.

Have you always wanted to do pottery?

It's just that that's literally the first time I've ever heard you say that.

Yes, I think I'd be really good at it.

You know, leave the corporate rat race once and for all.

Make pots with my hands.

Great.

Grandad, who was that man you saw at the gym earlier?

That man, you can call him a man, was Terry Keane.

And he is a right piece of work.

Really? He seemed nice.

Why don't you like him?

He did something awful to me.

Something unspeakable.

Something I can never, ever forgive him for.

Are you OK, Mammoth?

Not really, Mel, no.

There are some wounds that time simply cannot heal.

Was he ill?

What did this man do to you?

I swore he'd take down my grave.

But what the hell?

I'll get off my chest.

It's a dark dark day.

It's over the 15th 1978

Is

that your new car at the front mammoth the yellow Capri

Certainly is, Terry. My pride and joy, the way you've been admiring it. No,

it's nothing like that. It's just parked in a bit of an angle. You might want to

straighten it up a bit, mate.

Oh, hello.

Oh, Terry.

What a guy, huh?

Right then.

Sorry,

was that the end of the story?

Did you miss out the part of the story where he did anything bad?

Were you two listening?

Oh, you might want to try straightening up a bit, mate.

For Christ's sake, man.

Forcing those words down Terry Keane's throat is the only thing that kept me

going under the ice.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Revenge? He didn't do anything.

And how are you going to get revenge on an old man?

Tony! How's it going?

Oh, I'll tell you how it's going, Terry.

It's going well.

It's going very well.

Good? Oh, it's good, all right, Terry.

It's very good.

You see, I followed your example.

Signed up for a team in the over-70s football league.

I don't think you count as over-70.

Dana Bird doesn't like Terry, old mate.

1935.

Read it and weep.

Oh, guess what?

My team's playing your team tomorrow.

Oh, great.

Oh, that'll be fun.

Oh, it'll be fun for one of us, Terry. It'll be fun for one of us. All the fun

of the fair, Terry. All the fun of the fair.

See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

All right, lads.

Guys, can we please watch out for others?

I said, cut it out!

So this is a totally fresh start for me.

I think this might actually be my big break, you know, something that's just

mine. I've been watching Shedlows of Pottery Throwdown, so I am all set.

I think I might sell online, clay by mail.

Maybe something a little bit cheeky, you know, like Copperfield.

Right, well, er...

Thank you for that.

So, if you could all set your clay on your wheels. Let's pick up from last

week.

Oh, it's heavy, isn't it?

Oh.

Not so easy. Oops.

I think Leanne could use a hand.

It's all right, Leanne. We're all beginners here.

Sorry, I thought your name was Leanne.

No, it's Mel.

What part of Clay-by-Mell didn't you get?

Let's start again, shall we?

All right.

Morning. Hello.

Morning. Bonjour.

Welcome to my cafe. Would you like to take a little seat, bonjour?

You all right? Yeah, great. Oui, oui.

Sit down. I've prepared a special breakfast for us all. Good to see you.

Ta-da!

Oh.

Coffee? Yes, please.

Here you go.

Leaking a little bit.

Match and saucer.

Wow. How's your cereal, Theo?

Great. Well, I suppose you're both wondering where I got my snazzy new

crockery from.

No idea, Mum. You know what? It must have been really expensive.

I made it. I made all of it. Wow. What do you think? It's really good.

I'm going to sell it. It's my new business.

What do you think?

Honestly, Mel?

I think it's poor.

I think it's really poor. I think it's probably the worst thing... i've ever

seen i think what i'm saying is just that it's early days you know but the

colors are great i have to disagree with you there theo i find what little color

there is to be childish just a really poor effort all around disappointing

oh god i've quit my job for this

what am i gonna do god knows right come on

we gotta rock and roll Got to pick Roger up. He's getting me in shape for the big

match.

I'll see you later.

You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.

You might wanna straighten it out a bit, mate.

You might wanna straighten it out

a bit, mate.

You might wanna straighten it out a bit, mate.

You might wanna straighten it out a bit, mate.

That way we can really increase the reach on our socials. Hey, guys!

Everyone OK?

I've brought some presents for everyone, you know, just to say no hard feelings.

Hola!

Authentic tapas bowl.

What are you doing here, Mel?

How about a nifty little Greek bowl?

Yummas! Don't smash that one.

Can I have my job back?

I'm sorry, Mel, but I've already filled your position.

Already? How?

Who?

No hard feelings, Mrs Davies.

Mrs Davies?

What happened to Auntie Mel?

I have no news since you were six years old, Nathan.

Auntie Mel, we're in the middle of something, so if you wouldn't mind just

leaving.

I am telling your mum about this.

Not having my plates.

Sorry,

we won't do it again. No, he won't.

Out!

No bombing!

I wasn't!

Yeah, you were about to. Out!

Fifty is my route next week.

If that's easier, Maureen, trust me, he's in a better place.

No petting. I don't know what I'm going to do with my son.

No petting.

No petting.

Am I talking to my shitting self?

Theo!

A word.

Now.

Time to straighten you up a bit, Terry Olsen.

I haven't tied the armour.

Do the talking on the pitch. Oh, yeah.

Jesus Christ, Roger, was that tea?

No.

Hey, my little girl.

I knew you'd be here to support me.

I can't believe you're actually doing this. It's unhinged.

You're supposed to be here to get fit, not assault a pensioner.

Don't worry about it.

It's all going to be perfectly legal.

It's taken every ounce of my strength not to go over there.

Just fill him in right now.

Wipe that stupid smile on his face. Yeah.

Go on.

Captains. Time for talking is over.

Well, I'm not finished yet, Terry, old son.

I'm not finished by a long way.

Oh, my God, your ankle!

I'll get help. You'll do no such thing.

I'm playing on.

My ankle!

It's fine. I've had worse. Mammoth, this is ridiculous.

Stop the game! Stop the game!

Don't you dare throw that towel in, Roger.

I've waited 50 years for this.

Help me up, old friend.

Trot it off.

What are you doing?

Oh, no.

Back off.

What are you doing here?

I've been fired.

Why? I shouted at an old lady and made her pee herself.

Oh, what do you do that for?

Just... I pull my rules, yeah.

Oh, never mind.

Now neither of us have got a job, maybe we could hang out, spend some more time

together. Two amigos.

Great.

I think your grandad's broke his ankle.

And he's thrown up again.

Oh, Tony, I admire your courage, but you need to go to hospital.

I'm fine, old son.

It's you that's going to need to go to hospital.

What

happened?

It's over.

Terry's team won. 2-1.

Terry scored both goals.

Bye-bye, champ.

This is the worst day of my life.

Nobody look at me.

I'm a failure.

So, I just spoke to Nathan and they're going to let you come back to work.

So, I've got my old job back?

Nathan's old job.

Technically, you're going to be under him now.

So, a demotion, then?

Beggars can't be choosers, man.

I think he's mad, taking you back in the first place, if you ask me.

Yeah, well, I'm not asking you.

Oh, here he comes, look.

Probably trying to stick yet another knife in my back if he can find the

room. Don't be so stupid.

He's actually been very worried about you.

All right, Tony.

Soon I'll have you as right as rain again.

Do you want to leave me your keys? I can take the car back to your house for you.

The car stays there.

The only person who drives that car is me.

And a young lad called Ben, I teach, who goes to the off-license with me, but he

looks 17.

So that's fine. Only it's blocking the gate.

Do you want me to at least straighten it up a bit, mate?

You sick bastard.

Yes, please, Terry. That'd be really helpful. Thank you. You are pure evil.

You're a despicable human being.

You're the lowest of the low.

Can't stand you, Terry. I never could.

Well, you aren't yet the last of this, Terry King.

Tony Barber always has the last.

Take care, Tony!

Open the door!

Take the straps off and let me out the car!