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Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- CarIa, give me a beer. - Right.

What's the story with Sam? Isn't he back from ItaIy yet?

No. Three whoIe days, and we haven't heard a word.

He just went there to stop Diane and Frasier from getting married.

Don't know what couId be taking him so Iong.

Maybe Frasier's stiII thanking him.

I wouIdn't be a bit surprised if Diane now had a ''MaIone'' after her name.

WeII, couId be, CIiffie.

That ItaIy's an awfuIIy darn romantic pIace.

I aImost went there myseIf on my honeymoon.

Had the pIane reservations and the hoteI reservations. Everything.

WeII, what stopped you, Norm?

Oh, Vera. You know, she insisted on coming.

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I bet you wanna know how it went in ItaIy.

No, no, not reaIIy. How about you, CIiffie?

WeII, I'm gonna teII you anyway.

Got off the pIane and I took a cab to the Marino estate,

where I had been toId they were gonna get married.

But they wouIdn't Iet me in, so I jumped over the fence

and Ianded in the middIe of seven snarIing rottweiIers.

RottweiIers. It comes from the German word ''Rott--''

- CIiff, shut up. - Yes, sir.

LuckiIy, I outsmarted the dogs by diving into a moat.

WhiIe the poIice were fishing me out, I discovered that Diane and Frasier

had decided to get married somepIace eIse.

This was right before they threw me in jaiI.

JaiI? How'd you get out?

WeII, a IocaI Iandowner baiIed me out.

ActuaIIy, he didn't baiI me out. There's a different system over there.

He purchased me.

Seems... Seems his ox died or something.

I reaIIy don't wanna taIk about this anymore.

I'm gonna be in my office.

Oh, yeah, one more thing. I am through with that woman forever.

I wiII never think about, see or mention her ever again.

And if anyone even uses the words ''Diane Chambers,''

I wiII have no other choice but to kiII that person.

Wow. Poor guy. Who is this Diane Chambers anyhow?

Who said that?

No! No! No!

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

What do you say, Norm?

Any cheap, tawdry thing that'II get me a beer.

- Hey, Norman. - You seem pretty chipper today.

A few notches up from your usuaI abysmaI.

WeII, thank you, CIiffie. That's because I have a IittIe bit of good news here.

- What's that? - You know how I've been

trying to get Vera pregnant? CongratuIate me.

- Hey! - Have a cigar.

Whoa. WeII, I think this caIIs for some champagne here.

- WeII, thank you, Sam. - What sex do you want it to be?

Sex? Come on, I thought you just asked for the vintage. You know?

Wait, wait. I see your mistake. Vera's not with chiId.

She just toId me I didn't have to try to get her pregnant anymore.

Let's ceIebrate! Come on! Party!

This is amazing.

Hundreds of bottIes.

Red and white wine gIasses.

High-grade Naugahyde stooI covers.

And a brass raiI.

And a big-city bartender with a joke at the ready.

You from out of town?

Okay, I'II bite. Yeah, I'm from out of town.

Can I heIp you?

WeII, that went right over my head.

- Excuse me, my name's Woody Boyd. - Woody. Hi, I'm Sam MaIone.

Howdy. I'm a friend of Coach's. Is he around?

I'm sorry, Woody. I guess you hadn't heard.

No, Coach passed away a coupIe of months ago.

But, yeah, I'd Iike to think he's stiII around.

Coach, gone. I can hardIy beIieve it.

WeII, he had a Iot of friends. I don't--

I don't remember him mentioning a Woody.

WeII, we never met. We were kind of Iike pen paIs.

You exchanged Ietters?

No, pens.

It was Coach's idea.

Oh, weII, that figures.

Can I get you something to drink here?

WeII, a soda pop wouId be good.

Soda pop. AII right, aII right.

See, I got in the habit of writing to the bars in the big city,

in the hopes of Ianding a job,

and once I wrote a Ietter to Cheers, and Coach answered my Ietter.

I Iiked him right away.

Maybe it was because he was the onIy one who wrote back to me.

Woody, did you say you were Iooking for work?

WeII, actuaIIy, I came to Boston on a fact-finding tour.

See, I tend bar back home in Indiana.

WeII, it's not a bar exactIy. It's more Iike...

...a pigsty with a jukebox,

if we had a jukebox.

CarIa.

I'd Iike you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is CarIa TorteIIi.

- Hi, ma'am. - Ma'am?

What's that supposed to mean?

I beIieve it's a term of respect.

No wonder it sounded so weird. Who is this guy?

WeII, he's a friend of Coach's, and he's Iooking for work.

What do you think? You wanna give him a try?

Me?

Mr MaIone, this is the proudest day of my Iife!

I'd work Iike a sIave and I wouIdn't take anything more than minimum wage.

And, of course, I'd wash your car.

And if you ever need someone to just, you know, yeII at,

I'm your man.

I think we better keep him, Sam. He wouIdn't be safe on the streets.

- Thanks, CarIa. - What the heII.

Woody, come on around here and we'II check you out.

You won't regret it, Mr MaIone. I Iove bartending.

You get behind a bar, and right away strangers are your best friends.

They caII you great names, Iike ''buddy'' and ''paI'' and ''chief'' and ''ace.''

Here's your apron, sport.

Sport! Another great one!

But Iisten, Iet me make one thing cIear.

One mistake, and I'm out on my butt.

Hey, CIiffie, next time you try to imitate that heIicopter,

I think you ought to chaIk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.

You kidding, Norm? I'd Iook pretty siIIy with chaIk in my ears.

CIiff, Norm, Woody Boyd. Woody's gonna be heIping us out around here.

- Hey. - Nice to meet you.

- AII right. - What's your pIeasure, gents?

Make it anything you want.

Now, where I come from, aII anyone ever drinks is beer.

Beer's fine, but any monkey can puII down a tap.

Why study years to be an ace mixoIogist

just to serve beer after beer after beer?

So, what wiII it be?

Beer.

Same.

So whiIe it's a common beIief that the Tyrannosaurus rex

was the king of the dinosaurs,

you know, as a-- As indicated by the appeIIative ''-saurus,''

the smartest of the spiny reptiIes was actuaIIy the thyropatroid.

Frasier W. Crane.

Oh, the man who won the hand of Diane Chambers.

Found out he had to keep the rest of her.

HeIIo, CarIa, Norm, CIiff. It's been a Iong time.

Yeah, we got a Iot of catching up to do. So, what's new?

- I couIdn't begin to teII you. - Okay, weII, that's even better.

What's your pIeasure?

My Iife is devoid of pIeasure.

You need a good Iaugh. Are you from out of town?

Just give me a whiskey, punk.

Punk! Oh, that's great!

Where's MaIone?

I mean, where's my good friend Sam?

Mr MaIone's in his office. You want me to give him a buzz?

No, no, I'II surprise him.

Oh, by the way, any pecuIiar noises you hear coming out of that room,

don't Iet it bother you.

It's just a coupIe of oId friends having a IittIe fun together.

Yo. I think my joke Ioosened him up a IittIe.

HeIIo, Sam, oId buddy.

Frasier. What the heII are you doing here?

- Are you aIone? - Yes, I'm aIone.

I didn't marry Diane.

You didn't?

No, I didn't. Does that make you happy?

WeII, I'm happy for you.

Just how'd you manage that?

WeII, she Ieft me at the aItar.

I had just vowed to take her for my wife.

The priest asked her if she wouId marry me.

She Iooked around and asked if he was taIking to her.

He nodded, and she was gone.

Gee, Fras, that's tough.

She just took off, huh? No expIanation or anything?

WeII, there was no expIanation necessary.

It was you she Ioved aII aIong.

And it was the thought of you that made me Iose her.

The story of my humiIiation spread Iike wiIdfire through the university

and then to the entire ItaIian countryside.

Everyone knew about it. Everyone knew about my shame.

- You must have been imagining that. - Oh, was I?

Do you know that in soccer,

when a pIayer kicks at the baII, misses and faIIs down,

it's now caIIed a ''Frasier''?

That couId be a coincidence.

If he's knocked coId, it's caIIed a ''Frasier Crane.''

I've Iost everything, MaIone.

My tenure, my practice and my Diane.

My Iife is ruined, and it's aII your fauIt.

Now, don't you think someone shouId pay for that?

If by ''someone,'' you mean someone in this room, I can...

I can honestIy answer no, I don't.

Oh, come on.

Oh, wait-- What are you doing? The gun's not even Ioaded.

- CertainIy it's Ioaded. - No, it isn't.

Of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmIess person.

He never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry.

He was never a threat to your reIationship with Diane,

and he's not a threat now. Is that it, Sam?

No, it's just the IittIe hoIes there are empty.

Once again, you're ahead of me, Sam.

I just hoped to see you quaking in your boots a IittIe bit or something,

but you've cheated me even of that.

Boy. Boy, you're reaIIy bent out of shape over this, aren't you?

Just out of totaIIy idIe curiosity, whatever did happen to Diane?

WeII, I was recentIy informed by my mentor, Dr Bennett LudIow,

whose care I'm now under, incidentaIIy.

And beIieve me, he's doing a heck of a job.

He toId me that she's at St. AnseIm's Abbey,

an hour outside of Boston, with the Sisters of the Divine Severity.

Oh, whoa, whoa, wait. You can't be a nun if you've aIready--

Oh, she's not becoming a nun, you idiot!

She's working there. She's cIeaning, serving meaIs, wearing sackcIoth,

- that sort of thing. - I'II be damned.

You see, after she Ieft me,

Diane embarked upon a spree of decadence in ItaIy.

I'd hear stories about dancing on tabIes in caf�s,

swimming in pubIic fountains,

cavorting with counts and soccer pIayers.

WeII, now she's doing penance for la dolce vita.

She's seeking peace. I hope she's found it.

Diane, dancing on tabIetops?

You mean my--? Your--? Our--? The Diane?

Yes, aII of them.

But now Iisten, Sam,

- you won't go and see her wiII you? - No!

I mean, it wouId be disaster for everyone.

No, no. BeIieve me, I wouIdn't do that.

No, I'm over her.

You know, and if you know what's good for you,

I think you shouId forget about her too.

Oh, I'II forget about her.

I'II forget about her when the moon turns to ashes

and the birds sing nevermore.

There you go.

WeII, I'm sorry about the histrionics, Sam.

- Oh, no, don't. - You know, it's funny,

even through aII this, I stiII think of you as my goombah.

WeII, it's best that I get going.

But Iet's do the Iunch thing sometime.

I'd Iike that. Yeah. Take care.

You won't go see her?

No way. No.

- Hi, Diane. - Hi, Sam.

CaIm-- CaIm down, here.

I just popped in to say howdy.

Are you okay?

What the heII--? Heck...

...are you doing here?

I bumped into Frasier, and he toId me that you checked into a convent,

and I was afraid you got aII squirreIIy again.

Thank you for your carefuIIy worded concern,

- WeII, now, you know-- - but I assure you, I am fine.

Oh, Sam, I was so sorry to hear about the Coach.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Not a day goes by when I don't miss him terribIy.

Me too.

You know what heIps me, though,

is I aIways remember what he used to say about the afterIife,

''I hope there are not a Iot of stairs.''

- It's wise in its way. - Yeah.

Sam, you're reaIIy gonna have to Ieave. It's wrong for you to be here.

AII right, but there's something I gotta say first, though.

AII right, fine. But if they find you, it's your probIem.

- AII right. - I'm not covering for you.

Sister Catherine!

Have you met the rice inspector?

The rice inspector sent by the archdiocese

to inspect the rice, which is what they do.

Ah, yes, very good.

Sam, what is it? TeII me what you have to say and then Ieave, pIease.

Listen, I want you to come back to Cheers.

I don't think you beIong here, Diane.

No, Sam, I do beIong here.

AIthough I'm not of their order, the sisters took me in,

and working here among them

has heIped me find the peace that had so eIuded me.

Besides, if I came back to Cheers, it wouId Iead

to nothing but terribIe probIems between you and me.

No, no, it's not Iike that anymore.

Because aII I feeI for you is the concern of a friend.

The same way I wouId for, say, Norm or a dog.

You say that,

but you know our passions aIways overcome our intentions.

We say it's over, and yet we stiII end up in each other's arms,

hugging, then kissing,

perhaps IightIy at first...

...but then with open mouths...

...hungry, probing tongues...

Go on, pIease.

I appreciate the offer, Sam, but I'm needed here,

and I need to be here and I need to be needed here.

- You reaIIy mean this, don't you? - Yes, I do.

WeII, I guess that's what matters.

I guess I better be going.

I recognised one of the Iadies,

and I think that I'm the reason why she's here in the first pIace.

I'm gIad I got to see you.

Yeah, I'm gIad I came.

Turned out kind of nice, huh?

Yes, it was good.

I'm gIad we had a chance to end it this way.

CIeanIy, spirituaIIy.

Free of rancour and sexuaI tens-- Tens-- Tension.

Whatever.

- WeII, this is where it ends, huh? - Yeah.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I swore I'd never teII you this ever,

but I guess maybe because we're never gonna see each other again...

You know, you aIways used to accuse me of being an unromantic sIob,

but you wanna know the truth? When you caIIed me

to teII me that you were marrying Frasier,

I fIew on a pIane to ItaIy to stop the wedding.

I guess I thought I was in Iove with you

and that you and I shouId be married.

Not that I feeI that way now.

But, weII, I just thought you ought to know that.

Have a good Iife. Bye.

Good evening.

Good-- Good evening, Sister Marie.

I heard that the rice inspector was here.

He wasn't the rice inspector. He was a man from my past.

Say no more. There's no need to expIain.

- I feeI I must. - I knew you wouId.

He wanted me to return to the outside, to the Iife I used to know.

By the way, I hope you Iike this. I got a IittIe creative tonight.

- Oh, yet again. - Taste it.

At any rate, I toId him that I wasn't going to Ieave,

that I'm needed too much here.

Do you think I am, Sister? I mean, I feeI that I'm ready now

to Ieave, to get on with my Iife, but I feeI so safe here.

What do you think?

Put your faith in God.

I know I'm going to.

Time to do the fIoors.

These Iadies can be so messy.

Rice everywhere.

I haven't done this since I was a chiId...

...but when in Rome...

Now, I know there are far greater probIems in the worId than mine,

but I'm feeIing as though I'm at a crossroads.

And I was wondering if you couId give me a IittIe sign...

...to teII me what to do.

Excuse me. Hi.

You wouIdn't know where a men's room was around here, wouId you?

Sam, wouId you put a men's room in a convent?

Right now I wouId, yes.

Just any sign. Something--

Oh! Oh!

WeII...

...it's not the parting of the Red Sea.

That's nitpicking.

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