Original subtitles

Switch off your phones, you bamba clads.

Listen up!

Everyone in this documentary about me last year is real!

So have some respect!

That's the truth.

That's just life.

In West End.

That's right.

Easy now.

Who is that?

Hmm.

Let me explain.

Yo, here DJ Jazzy Jeff.

No, not ASAP Rocky. Something old school.

Back in the day, we used to have a smash telly show for the HBO.

We interviewed politicians.

experts you think man will ever walk on the sun no the sun is too hot what

happens if they went in winter when the sun is cold the sun is not cold in the

winter mules have spoke to the world's most powerful people in it and what was

they doing business in back in the day

Many, many, many years ago, hundreds of millions of years ago, people were doing

business and they were trading in rocks and stones and other things. Who would

want to buy rocks?

The show was such a success that me became superstar.

Is you Madonna?

All me ever wanted to do was increase the peace and spread the love. Just like

Martin X and Malcolm Luther King.

But people, they made up lies about me.

Them said me was a white man pretending to be black.

But me ain't never said me was a brother.

Is it because I was black? Not at all. Is it because I was black?

You're black?

Me was even accused of saying the N-word.

But me ain't never said that. Me said N-bib.

For season three of me HBO show, me asked for 10 million bucks.

But HBO never got back to me, innit?

Without me on the telly, pretty soon, the world became a shit hole.

There was COVID, wars, and Ed Sheeran.

Even worse, me life went down the plopper.

Me had to sell me McMansion and move back to the hood.

In my projects, you change things upon times. In my projects, you

change things upon times.

She used to be a custom-made marble jacuzzi. Did his special edition.

Used to be up there until we filled it with water.

Then Julie got in and this girl called Cheryl from the kebab shop.

It's actually how my nan died. She was sitting here just enjoying herself.

And then Booker squashed her.

She said this official merchandise from the Royal Family called the Buckingham

Palace.

We lost all respect in my community and went from being King Charles to being

Prince Angle.

We still risked me life daily, clashing with some of the local gangs, innit?

Yo, we're gonna mash you up, we're gonna take an AK, we're gonna blow bullets

right through your way. Your head full of lead, you're gonna end up in bed, six

feet under. That's right, because you's gonna be dead.

Are you talking to me? Now, when were you born? Post-war or three? Like, mate,

you're a widow. Coming in harassing kids, moving like a pedo.

With no cash,

the only job we'd get was at some crack bar.

Respect. Right? Respect.

Yeah.

Yeah. Give me the money.

I'd leave with a stripy heart. I'd leave with a stripy heart.

I think me was in a Madonna video and now me is shoveling animal floss.

I'd leave with a black white chicken. I'd leave with a black white chicken.

Yo, me recognize these ones. Them is from a country called Madagascar Free,

innit? No.

Unfortunately, me old ways got me in trouble.

What is hay?

Hay, dried grass.

Them eat grass?

Dried grass, yeah.

Hang on a minute. But you said to give them dry grass. That's that, not that

grass. You are totally and utterly unsuitable as a zookeeper.

What? You haven't got the faintest idea of what you're doing.

Me? You're in a different place.

You're unemployable. You need to get some professional advice and try and get

your personality sorted out.

What? I'm not an expert, but I think you need some help and get yourself

straight. Me had no show, no job, and no respect.

And to make things even worser, me Julie, who me had only been boning for

46 years, started making completely unreasonable demands, innit? I want us

to get married, and that's our family.

Ouch.

Ding, ding, ding, gold digger alert.

Ain't got no money, ain't no gold digger.

We's gonna have the cash the moment HBO agrees me a final demand.

Alistair, if you don't know, we ain't heard from HBO for 20 years.

It ain't happening.

I know how I'm going to get money.

How? I'm going to live my dream.

What's that?

I'm going to get people to toss off to my feet on OnlyFans. Yo, yo, yo.

OnlyFans is more disrespectful to women.

They better let me bitch me on that.

And to make matters worse, me know as me Julie had a stomach infection.

So, um...

we we made it for the first time so is it okay if i ask you a few questions

just to get where you are and that kind of thing so is is you a doctor i am a

doctor yeah all right so she thinks she's pregnant so could you please just

tell her that it's probably wind or big pool sorry let me get this right you

don't think she's pregnant i've got a look it's positive yo yo she got the

vape

Taste of piss.

Is there any way of delaying the pregnancy?

This baby is going to come out when it's going to come out, and it's likely to be

within weeks.

Me was well freaked out.

Plus, babies cost enough cash.

So me decided it was time to sell some of me priceless bling in it.

That's worth £18,000.

We'll give it to you for £17,000.

That's 100% carrots.

It's iron.

What? You know it from that Iqbal? No, no, no.

One pound.

Deal.

All right.

This is part of the actual crown jewels.

It belongs to Her Majesty the Queen.

100,000 crowns.

One pound.

Deal. Okay.

It's fast.

Any assets inside? Yeah, for real. We're now.

We're now?

How much does he want? One pound.

One pound for the ashes. One pound for the ashes. One pound for the ashes.

One pound for the ashes.

One pound

for the ashes.

B.O. Dear Ali, thank you for your last and final demand for your B4 Series

3. We're prepared to improve our offer to 3.2 million.

What? To ensure the success of the upcoming season, we are open to an

increase in the marketing budget.

You're wicked!

A larger production team and discussing any creative ideas or adjustments you

might have.

Wicked! 3.2 million?

Congratulations, mate.

3.0!

Yes! 3.0!

3.0!

We're gonna let the fans know.

Yo, yo, yo!

This is R.E.G. and check it out!

I have got season 3 of the show!

I've got 2 minutes!

I know you want it!

gaslighting you, merely decentering your narrative.

This conversation is over.

Good afternoon, everybody.

I see it on your faces. You're concerned about your community, right?

What would you change? Anybody?

They should have affordable housing for the people. Every night, police kill

black people on camera.

Can I say something?

Can I take a little mic?

Namaste. I am Dr. Naira Kane and Degu Cello.

I identify as a white cisgender male, for which I am ashamed.

I'm sure most of you have heard me from my book, I Have a Better Dream.

It's available outside or you can Venmo me at blackvoicesatgmail.com.

I'm here to alert you to an existential danger.

He is an English cis white male.

by the name of Ali G.

He is coming to this country to spread his hatred.

He has to be stopped.

Why? Because he is a cultural appropriator.

Some of the words he says are, and feel free to cover your eyes, he uses the

word bombaclot, bossclot, pussyclot, in fact, all the clots.

It's pronounced panani.

Sorry, sorry, it is panani.

Madam, he has stolen your work.

He has taken your panani and put it in his mouth.

He performs rap, which we all know is an acronym for radical African

poetry. What?

No,

not to bang my own djembe, but I...

I think everyone would like you to leave. If you wanted to leave,

please join with me.

i would like everyone to join me and march out of here and shut this modern

-day hitler down i don't care will you join me

We're going to meet when we make it.

Maybe that's it.

How are you?

I'm Gar.

Yo, we're together, man, for the next 50 years.

Bring it in, bring it in.

We do the HBO, we do the HBO.

Hey, Casey, this is Carl Lester. Could you please give us a call? Thank you

very much.

Okay. I think we're good.

Julie, while I'm in there, meet my new team.

Why don't you go shopping?

You know, we're rich.

Buy yourself something nice.

Ready? Come this way with me.

Oh, hello.

Yo, what's up?

Yo. This is the team. This is the team. I'll be security.

Yo, security. Yo.

Silas.

Producer and the PA.

Yo, trainer.

He's my crypto king. We're going to get your money right. Yeah, for real.

You are going to be huge.

You're going to be mammoth. And all of this team is going to make it happen.

There's nothing we can't do. If you want to do it, we will get it done.

We've got some ideas for the show.

Episode one is thinking of like, because there is so much problems with the

environment, maybe fix it.

Everyone's saying it's impossible.

We can't do it. We can't do this.

We do it. We fix it. One episode.

If you come out with that, that's huge.

What you just described, I've not seen.

You're my man here, brother. How committed is you to doing the job?

I will protect you with my life, sir.

Have you ever died for a client?

No, I've never died for a client, not yet.

You ever strangled a man with your bare hands?

Yes. Go be done.

Strangled him to death?

Not to death.

Choked him out, yeah.

Choked him out.

Choked him out.

Choked him out.

A lot of choking out.

We will protect this brand with our lives.

I is richer than Elon.

For you, sir, $12,423.

No worries, easy.

Thank you, HBO.

We're going to be eating like this every night.

Yeah, I would say like once a month.

I mean,

I think to what we had, that was valuable.

Hello?

Who is that?

I'm Chris, HBO.

Yo, it's HBO!

I want to say thanks.

Let's celebrate.

Yo, yo, put me on to Casey, boys. We had the best meal.

Thank you for the money, the cash money. We've got to spend it wisely. We spend

it wisely.

There is no show. That offer is Nolan Boyd that expired 22 years ago.

What? 22 years old. That offer was made in 2004.

He's 100% correct.

Let's thank him for spending that.

You made enough, huh? You gotta stop. Because you're not making it better,

you're making it worse.

I've got my security.

You must strangle people before.

You don't want to... No, I ain't threatening you.

I ain't threatening you.

I'm just saying you must choke people out five different ways.

You must beat it around bullets.

You at least pay for dinner. It's just $12,000.

No, we're not paying for anything.

Oh, for free as well.

So, who have the lobster?

Doesn't work that way. Let me go to the toilet.

It's alright, it's alright.

I ain't calling him.

You gotta pay the bills.

Hey!

Where are you?

I need a runner.

I need a runner.

I need a runner.

I need a runner.

Where is he?

Yeah, where is he?

Yeah, they paid for it all.

Come meet me.

Oh, send me the address.

Send them now? Yeah.

I've got a surprise for you. Yeah, cool.

I hope you like it. We'll be happy to have you aboard.

I was going to tell her the truth. Surely we broke, messed up the door. We

never had a deal with HBO.

Give back the handbag, give back the cage. We've got to get a plane back home

and we'll stay.

It's him again. I'm here.

We've got ourselves a new role.

Appreciate it. Babe!

What else is this?

Who's she think?

Alice!

How much is it?

30 mil.

Hello. How are you?

Good.

I'm the realtor showing the house. What?

The realtor to show the house. What's that?

Like the real estate agent to sell the house. Just to show you around.

Yeah, for what?

It's 19,000 square feet.

Nine bedrooms and 14 bathrooms.

I think maybe forget this one.

Let's head out. Stop being negative. Come on. This table is crap.

It ain't even level.

It's the top of the piano.

It's for the acoustics.

Oh.

This room is crap.

It's the patio.

There's no ceiling on it. Right. It's the outdoor area.

What happens if a bird flies into this room?

Well, that is a risk.

Another one of these shit tables.

It's the same one. It'll be gone. I promise you. It's the same one. It's the

same one. How come it's in a different place? Who moved it?

No, we just came in from a different side of the house.

we can afford the best you know because we are rich rich rich rich rich rich

rich all right listen can we have a word okay can you tell her yes that we didn't

get the hbo show didn't get the hbo show and that the offer was actually from

2004. i think it's expired yeah so we're gonna get no money

all right so he wanted me to tell you something yeah

He wanted me to let you know that he did not get the HBO show.

What?

Okay, would you like me to tell him something?

Okay, I'm listening.

So, she wanted me to tell you to suck a bag of dicks.

What else did she say? That's it.

He said, we is broke.

What? Tell me something wrong.

And he still can't get hard. He's boned me ever since I became pregnant.

Tell her that the moment you mention her name, we start getting blood.

And we don't really stood up to attention until it's like really

throbbing and shaking at the top, like about to jizz.

And if it was a gay lord, it would have jizzed, but it didn't because he made

it. That when I mentioned your name, he got hard and he

said something about... Bollocks. It was throbbing and if it was a gay lord, he

would have jizzed.

Tell him, yeah?

I'm not going out with him anymore, I'm going out with you.

No, no, no. Yeah, that's what we're doing.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Come on, come on.

I'll just, I'll stand over here. Do we want to, you know, go back downstairs

maybe? No, no, no. Let's resolve this. Tell her we would love to go now.

All right.

Thank you.

Is there any way we could stay here while we're in America?

Sorry, no. I think you guys should, you know, step outside, talk about it, think

about it.

Come on, baby, let's go home.

What about my dream?

Well, maybe it's time for a new dream, you know, like where you're a good

father to the baby.

No, no, no, but... No, but, Alistair, right, this child needs a stable

environment in which to grow up inside.

Don't be mental.

What? All the experts are saying it.

Look.

Well, what does she know?

What does she know?

She's only made millions giving baby advice on TikTok.

Jarrah Stafari, what'd I say then?

We'll make me show on the TikTok, innit?

How are you going to pay for making it all?

We'll get a sponsor.

Me Julie arranged a meeting with the sponsor and then made sure me was

dressed appropriately.

Me meet the sponsor, me meet the sponsor.

Ah, very nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

Yo. Can I shake your hand?

Pick up myself.

Sorry.

what sort of things does your product fix well i have a variety of products

like this is a synergy one is a peptide so when

a person reaches a certain age their body's production of hormones declines

and it's gotten so low that their quality of life suffers a protein

reverses that just cut to the chase how much can you give me if we mention your

products

Um, I probably, I would have to probably do it on a commission base in terms of

sales and agree to like a percentage of the month, the profits.

What about if 60% goes to you and 110% goes to me?

That's the best you're going to get. Don't let me walk out. We reached an

agreement. This wasn't the first time he was going to earn cash money by dealing

drugs.

Now we have sponsorship.

It was time for me to try out.

the first ever introduced with a well-known TikTok style.

Follow me, TikTok.

Follow me, TikTok.

Follow me. Follow me, TikTok.

Follow me, TikTok.

Follow me. We're here with none other than General Roadhaven.

Him was a general in the American army.

Thank you for coming here today.

It's my pleasure.

Ladies, if you could go, what was your favorite thing that you did in the

military?

I helped promote young people, young men and women to higher

ranks and laid down.

How dangerous is Iran?

possibility of completing nuclear weapons.

I have already said I really have no problem using them.

People like to. In fact, things started taking off.

Jazzy, give me something old school.

So check it out. We is doing a mukbang here today. I is here with Professor

Lickman. Politics.

in America are something new.

Donald Trump has said the election was stolen from him. Who stole his election?

Nobody!

With my TikTok show doing well good, we promised me Julie that we'd turn up for

some fair baby night.

Sometimes you have to think about what kind of father do I want to be?

So what kind of father do you want to be to this baby?

I was thinking absent.

It was a success.

We had a million followers on the TikTok.

It seemed like nothing could go wrong.

Don't be if any of me fans has got any comments.

Well, introduce yourself.

Hello. Who is he away from?

My name is Dr. Naira Kane and I represent the entire black community.

I've got a message for you.

For what? What's that?

Unless one of your parents is black, you are not allowed to continue speaking

like this. Why not? Who said that? He's free to speak as he pleases. Because you

are a cop.

a pile of nuns not allowed by whom of course he's free to speak as he wants

someone julie what's going on wait not talking about god he procreated all

right we don't know who dad was yo if he was watching this now and you is my dad

me i never met you and you is a brother maybe you live in wherever jamaica or

like nigeria or wakanda you give me a shout right we want to hear from you

Allie G does not promote healthy values.

Allie G supports oppression and re-traumatizes his viewers.

And we need to shut that down.

Me had to find out what me had been accused of.

Yo, thank you very much for meeting me.

respect i is in a bad place because i has been accused

of being something called a cultural proprietor so i

noticed that you're wearing a do-rag what this yes yeah for real yes do you

know where they originated from yeah from eggham high street the market on

sundays do you know where the do-rag originated from

China. That's what it said inside.

Okay, that's who made it. So the do-rag is something that is used in African

American culture.

Should we stop buying music made by black artists?

No, absolutely not.

Can we sing along to it?

Absolutely. Can we do the voice?

Okay, so that might be a challenge.

So on the subject of music...

Is it all right for me to clap in time or does I have to clap out of time with

the crackers?

No. You can clap on time, on beat. But ain't that cultural appropriation?

No, it's not. What it sounds like is that instead of being curious and being

open to learning, you're trying to find an easy way out.

For real.

Making the changes she wanted would mean me working harder than we'd ever done in

my whole life.

so we decided not to bother me influence me is an influencer me is here with none

other than sheriff ken come bill campbell

frank the planx they kiss him no i ain't gonna do that no stop that very immature

that ain't gonna happen uh just a pick all right fine just to pick on the on

the cheap no all right

Hold his hand. All right. No,

I came here to do a job and that's to be a good interview with you. Fine, we

ain't gonna do it. Let's just come on, grow up.

Suck him off, I ain't doing that.

Hold on.

I am your father.

I need to speak to you.

Thank you progressive warriors for joining me in my teepee.

We are at war.

Ali G is now claiming his father is a person of color.

We need to get proof conclusively that he is white.

But first, let's just ensure that we're operating under a set of common values.

How should we show appreciation for somebody else's comment?

I like snapping or maybe, yeah, probably snapping. How do you feel about that?

I'm a fan of that. So snapping is?

uh triggering that's not triggering it's just um a little bit out of my personal

box but i don't mind it's totally okay is snapping not exclusionary to the

fingerless i would say so should we move more

to the nod wouldn't that be exclusionary to someone who's um paraplegic though

you know your safety is really really important to us If anyone has any

psychological trauma, we have the number of a shaman.

And in the evening, we have a night shaman.

Actually, this says M. Night Shyamalan, which is a mistake.

As you may have noticed, there is a young BIPOC person in this teepee.

His name is Benu, and he is my unpaid African intern, who I liberated from the

Gambia.

Come on.

Let's talk about racism and racial stereotypes.

Looking at Manu, do you think he has a small, average, large, or enormous

penis?

I would probably say average.

Fuck you.

We should wear a condom.

Why? Because we don't want to get the baby pregnant, you know?

You know what? You're right.

I'm not ready to take one more girl. We'll be right back.

The dark brown shades of my skin

Only add color to my tears

Is it because I'm black?

Uh-huh.

Somebody tell me, what can I do?

How you doing today, sir?

What's up, my end peep?

I was looking for some dong stiffener.

Ah, okay, okay, okay. I know exactly what to get you.

Make sure you get it before you take this, okay?

It's not for me, it's for a man of mine.

uh-huh ever since the jewelry i mean his jewelry got a bun in the oven he can't

get the dong stiff oh yeah you know not for me let me try let me try yeah okay

let me try let me try yeah man don't take

this one you're gonna have to wait about one more one too much for both of those

bro one more one more you're gonna need a doctor the doctor last time he saw the

doctor him told me that she had a baby in there i mean it was like what yeah

before she just needed to break with or something since then we got oppression

with direction i got you got you i got you it's gonna be 24 for for both of

those all right we take one more just in case nah bro you gotta read the back of

these it ain't good to take two of these at all at once don't worry

Bro, you, okay.

Okay, I ain't relying before you, boss.

You know, someone called me inappropriate, but then me found out

that me pops was actually a brother. Yeah, brother. So that's the real deal.

All right, me and you.

Is you black? Is you black? Come on, man.

No, but you is.

With me and you, too.

All right, G.

It's just a couple of brothers chilling out.

Whoa, me and you.

Yeah, all right. Whoa.

Has you got kids?

Yeah, I got one.

And what's it like?

Scary, right?

No, it ain't scary at all.

It's a beautiful thing. I'm going to be, I'm going to be a boss, man. Yeah. Yo,

give me some advice.

The only advice I can give you for having a kid is just take care of your

responsibilities. Treat your kid like you want to be treated.

Yo. And if you didn't have a good childhood,

make sure your kid have a good childhood.

What you good, boss?

What? You good?

Yo, there's a rumble in the jungle.

I think the beast is back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yo!

Yo!

Yo! You better get home, G. I better get home. Sorry, I put that down, but you

got... If someone come in here with an erection, they're going to knock

everything down. I'm so sorry. Yeah, you know, you've got to go to your wife,

bro. That's not safe to be having out in the public right now. For real, for

real. How many black friends has you got?

Black friends?

A million.

You've got a million and one, bro.

All right, bro. Nice big feeling now.

Peace, brethren.

I see you, Monty.

Life is crazy.

I've missed.

Andre. Andre. Are you nervous?

What? This.

You're not ready.

Okay, we have his hotel under surveillance.

The cultural appropriator is out of the hotel. We have an opportunity to get in

there fast, proving once and for all that he is not the person of color.

We're going to need to get his DNA.

We'll be going under covers of Ali G and his hip hop posse.

Yo,

yo, yo.

What is up?

I'm Ali G. I need my room key.

What?

How's it going?

That's breaking and entering. I'm not about that.

Come on, all for one. That's breaking and entering. I'm not about that.

I mean, sorry, a light of color.

We did it.

That's about it.

We were in there looking for DNA and we were like on the close side of the room.

Dude, when I heard that door open, oh my God.

He comes in like super fucked up off some pills or something and he's like

barely even like understandable Oh me smashed

What a long night

Julie

is that you

Will you talk dirty to me?

Oh, daddy, yeah.

And then he, like, flipped him over and started having sex with him.

Look at the camera, dude. Thank you.

He must have been so fucked up. I don't even think he knew who we were.

Holy shit.

He took off his shoe at the end and I held it up to his butt and then he

flipped out the semen basically to the moccasin.

Okay, there we go.

I got the results.

That's Alistair.

plan you film ollie while showing him that the na results then we'll post the

footage and let the online world destroy them

are you ali g my name is

mitch i'm a big fan man yo big up yourself have a seat Do you mind if I

just ask you a question?

Me is usually dangerous, but go ahead. I was just kind of curious because my

friend recently got some DNA from you, and they did a DNA test, and it turns

out... Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

You got some DNA from me? How?

My friend slept with you in your hotel room.

What? My male friend, actually.

You said me boned him?

Actually, it was me and him. We were both in the room together.

So you just sat there and watched?

It's all just atoms and particles, you know.

There's nothing wrong, nothing unnatural.

Hold on, hold on.

Tell me at least that you could easily be confused with Sidney Sweeney.

Yeah, I would say so. I definitely could get confused.

But a long story short, when he did your heritage test, you're 100% Scottish.

Which part of Africa is Scotland then?

uh scotland is uh based in the uk uh next to wales across from great britain

verified relatives your dad is malcolm rocky atkins

hey is that

rocky ain't me daddy i think this is something you'd be proud of man this is

uh you know you're scottish like that the the proud scotsman

It's a lot to take in a woman, man. It's going to be okay.

I think you can change for the better.

You're a girl. There's a lot to be thankful for.

Yo, it's just been such a mental few days.

The other night, we dreamt of me was boiling me honey while Flavor Flav was

in the room.

I think that was me.

All right, stay strong, man.

24 hours me went from being young gifted and black to being white scottish and a

gay lord

she

doesn't

know what she's talking about

percent black but a hundred percent disgusted by ali g and i hope this shut

up ali g go back to scotland me was cancelized

the only way back was to say sorry we couldn't risk effing it up so we studied

some apology videos to learn how to do it i apologize

to you uh my behavior was unacceptable

You know, I made a choice.

So we gathered leaders from all the different communities in the world to

apologize to them so that they would spread the word and get me forgiven.

I would like to publicly apologize.

I was wrong.

Jokes at my expense are part of the job. But a joke about Jada's medical

condition was too much.

for me to bear, for me to react to it emotionally.

If you don't forgive me, we hope that this changes your mind.

This is totally legit and real, and there's no way that this is AI.

We forgive you, Ali G.

We forgive you. We forgive you.

We forgive you, Ali G.

Hello, it's me, Nelson Mandela, and I completely forgive you, Ali G.

Everything good, my bro.

We forgive you, allergy We forgive you

We forgive you We completely and utterly forgive

you

Just gotta tell you that you is great

is you there is your name everyone knows that you the man it weren't your fault

that i is dead just because two bitches was giving you head

She's going to miss the best bit.

Please don't leave.

Please.

That's it. When you spread the word, God is forgiven.

I'm not going to say that I'll do that, but I will say a prayer for you.

Yeah, it didn't go well.

Oh, rah.

Rah, I'm so sorry, babe.

Do you think we should do an apology video for the apology video?

I don't think so.

Let's just go home.

You know, it really is for the best, right?

I'm going to go home, start my family. It's going to be beautiful. Baby, you're

going to be a dad.

What about this?

Hi, this is Carl Candelo.

I saw what the woke mob did to you.

I'm calling to offer you a job as the host of a show called The Free Speech

Show. You know, it is the opportunity of a lifetime.

It'll make you a star again.

We'd love to have you on board.

The new executive producer for the show, and we're going to have some famous

guests on here.

Alex Jones, Kid Rock, Terry Lake. He'd be the perfect host for it. Yeah.

We're doing a show. Yeah, it's a brand new, not-left-woke type. It's going to

be on the other side.

Why is he offering you a show out of nowhere?

The guy sounds weird, bruv. Well, he's gonna help us live our dream, innit?

Your dreams?

Come on, Ali.

We can't do it. Can't be all about the kid.

You know, it is all about the kid. If you haven't noticed, the kid in him is a

dad. We never wanted to be a dad.

We told you that. It was you that always wanted to be a dad, not me, innit?

What?

You don't want to be a dad?

I've been waiting for 20 years for this.

This show sounds bomb.

It sounds unethical.

What are you thinking?

This isn't you.

I think this is a set-up. Don't do it.

Babe, if we truly stop shoving, we will fall.

Do we have a deal?

We have a star.

Yes, we do.

So many deals.

Who is that? Who be me? What is my identity?

Want me right to leave Julie and the baby in her boon army?

This is our place.

We don't know who me is.

We just know me ain't ready for a kid. We can't give the baby education.

We gotta fix up me own reputation.

So me left her at the playing station.

What good for me is good for the nation?

Ali come from the stains in the hood. I'm a gonna rock it fine. I'm a gonna

rock it good.

We headed off to meet Dirk Visser, the South African producer, who was an arms

manufacturer and inventor of the South African booze. Do you know what the

guy's name is that's coming?

Ali. Ali.

Ali. Ali. Okay.

Hello, Ali.

You're one of the producers of this show.

Who is that?

My name is Dr. Naira Kanan Degucho.

I'm here to get your approval on a variety of changes to your school's

curricula with the full blessing of state governor Gavin Newsom before his

term tragically ends.

We have developed over the last year an exciting new program called the

Compulsory Gender Reversal Year.

Reversal? All children age 10 will be made to spend a year as the opposite

gender.

Why would I have my son dressed like a girl for a year?

Let's not judge it. Children who excel at the year-long trial will be given the

option to join the Make It Stick program, where they will have the

opportunity to undergo semi-permanent gender reassignment surgery.

To make it fun, children can choose celebrities they admire.

This is Timmy. He chose Kim Kardashian's buttocks.

This is scary.

Can Tinder choose to vote? Can he choose to drive?

Can he choose to join the military?

A child called Sharla. She was a fan of Orlando Bloom and chose his phallus.

Look how joyous Sharla is.

Must possibly have a problem.

I'm sorry.

Same.

We spoke.

Okay, so what we're going to do is first do entrance.

You're going to go in the back and you're going to come out here.

Then you're going to do a dance routine.

And then there's going to be the monologue.

All right, we'll roll that.

I wrote it originally.

All right, for Will. That's correct.

Then we're playing on the Elon Musk thing where he was speaking to the

audience and he said, you know, I love you kind of thing.

Why is that? Me love you.

That's just... That's what he did? So he's full of love?

Yeah, he's full of love.

All right. You're going to go to the audience and say, like, basically free

speech. We'll go, like, free speech. So free speech. All right, as long as

they're spreading the love. There you go.

The Free Speech Show with Ali G.

Tomorrow, 2 p.m. No!

No.

If I can't stop Holly Jean, I'll destroy the one person that he truly cares

about. His jewelry.

How would we do that? By kidnapping her.

You want us to kidnap her? No, of course we won't.

We're going to get some conspiracy theorists to kidnap her for us.

We just need to find an authority figure that these people would take orders

from. What about this Scottish lesbian psychopath?

Too expensive.

How about him?

My name, Colonel Iran Morad. I am the terrorist terminator.

I see a scale of being seen as homo. You know what it means, homo?

If your buttock touch them, it means they have become a

homosexual. Now I am going to teach you how to use your buttocks.

to intimidate ISIS.

If you want to win, you show some skin.

Now, try to touch me. Go.

Go,

go, go, go, go.

I'll touch you. I'll make you a homosexual. You got that, guys, right

now. USA.

USA. This is our guy we have found here.

Colonel Eran Morad.

I was in the Mossad, I mean, I was not in the Mossad for 15 years.

I have been in 14 terror attacks, and I've started two.

Nice.

Is there racism in this country?

Unfortunately, yes.

Who is it mainly against?

Believe it or not, me.

The left doesn't want to hear the truth.

And the truth is assimilating to them that we are, in fact, a racist.

Yes. And who are you? My name is Michael Abood.

I'm the Republican Party chairman of El Paso County. I'm the one that's starting

to breathe life back into this party.

We've seen a lot of the illegal immigrants coming through.

There's a huge amount of terrorism.

Gangs are hanging people from their overpasses.

uh way too often you have millions of good americans who don't know what to do

we got to show them they can do something and what did biden do he this

country up was he as bad as hitler worse we have people that won't assimilate

into our country and take our values is there a genocide against white

conservatives yes you have to keep america america you are the indigenous

people of this country You must keep this country true to what it always was.

Do not be fooled. These immigrants are not coming here to mow your lawn.

Trim your trees, rake your leaves, clean your house, care for your babies, your

parents, bus your tables, wash your cars, pick fruits and vegetables in the

fields, clean your hotel rooms, schools, offices, hospitals, paint your houses,

build your fences, operate slaughterhouses, install your roofs,

drywall plumbing or electric.

They are coming to kill you.

Well, yeah, man.

We are here to help you.

we're going to teach you about new weapons coming out of israel are you

interested yeah you don't know okay this is the heart of israeli engineering

it is a way to protect the men the

soldiers from any sort inside penis hot inside

do you want to be

Fuck no, I'm not getting fucked in the ass.

What they don't know is the trigger is the firing mechanism.

You do it about 15 to 25 times, the pressure increases and it will fire.

You want to pump yourself or you want him to pump you?

I'm a more pump-myself kind of guy.

Okay.

So you tank the Zion, then Bilbo.

Zion, Bilbo. Zion, Bilbo.

Please explain to us.

Open one hand, pump with your hand.

Just the Bilbo.

Just the head.

If you're lucky there, we have visitors from immigration control.

You will be here in about 45 minutes.

field director Richard Edmonds from California Immigration Control.

We need your help. There is an extremely dangerous Latinx drug lord on the loose

who goes by the name of Ali G.

His real name is Alejandro Gonzalez,

and he's the head of El Salvador's deadliest cartel, Los Chicos del

Cadejón, in English.

The Backstreet Boys.

Okay.

Gonzalez's pregnant girlfriend, Michulia, has gone into labor just two

miles from here.

Let's take a look at why I need you today.

You're the virgin.

I ain't a virgin.

I has borne 14,000 honeys. Each one got a body like a peach. And with them

ladies, I has had 10 kids each.

That's right.

This monster has had...

140,000 children.

And now he is planning an invasion.

The moment Mia Julia's anchor baby is born on American soil, its 140

,000 siblings will become immediate American citizens.

Now listen to what these patriots I met with in D.C. want you to know about

Gonzalez.

Gonzalez has 140,000 children, which means that this one man has a higher

birth rate than Iceland.

In 10 years' time, Gonzalez's family, along with millions of others, will have

more members than the United States Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines.

Coast Guard and Space Force combined.

Ten years' time, the Gonzalez family will consume 40% of the nation's rice

and beans.

That's actual FBI data.

Well, Colonel Aram Morat will pick two of you to go undercover as ambulance

workers, pick up Mia Julia, and transport her and the unborn baby to

Mexico so that she gives birth there.

Understood?

Yes. If successful, your president will be shown this mission.

Good luck.

Gee, it's me.

I'm still in San Diego.

They wouldn't let me fly. I'm too pregnant.

I really feel like the baby's coming, you know.

I need you to be here, please.

I'm showing you my location. Come quick.

You know, I said that I was like, my girl would kind of split up. The thing

is, she's giving birth right now. So maybe we delayed a show a bit.

There's other fish in the sea.

There's other fish in the sea. Always.

Get changed, get ready.

All right, see you now.

We will need to have an ambulance and to pick her up. I need to just speak to my

under from the Mossad. I mean, not from the Mossad.

I have

authorization

from my Mossad commander.

to then fill up a truck and go up on that.

Real quick question. Who has heard of our host, Ali G? Anybody?

Okay. Well, he's amazing. You're going to love him. He is a free speech

champion who was cruelly canceled by the world. Are you ready to make the world a

better place?

Now you've all probably heard about the woke nonsense going around this country,

innit? In the country of South Africa? I have seen this wokeness and all the

terrible things it has done.

As black illegals have...

just a racialist though is it the same racialist you see just say the words

that that will be the future of the u.s once woke has been allowed to grow

beyond where it is now don't go anywhere because

we is going to be right back in it what's up

She needs to think that we are hospital workers until we get to the border. Oh,

okay. We're here to take care of you. Not a big deal, yeah. No big deal. Hey,

how are you?

Yeah, relax.

Yo,

Wicked Western, welcome back.

Now we've got a competition called Final Delusion, where I will be playing El

Collaborator.

Now, let's meet our contestant, who is a genuine patriot.

Please welcome Jason Hall, innit?

Yo, we're back, we're back.

And recently released from Death Row, George Santos.

Yo, now let's play Roundup. You both gotta get a chance to win by rounding up

undesirables, progressives, academics, liberal judges.

pro-vaxxers and illegal you're gonna have to round up as many as you can and

stick them in these showers once you got them all in the showers you're gonna

fill them with this gas on your marks get set

Let's get you up in there.

I'm going to get up here and I'm going to help you get up. You ready? One, two,

three.

There you go.

We got your bed right there.

Close your doors.

Close your doors.

All right.

lessons you learned for the big and brave ice agents out there i set myself

up for that one take more babies like that come on do the long when i say free

you say speech free

We started picking up subtle clues that this show wasn't entirely about peace

and love.

Me realized that all these people was happy to recreate the Holocaust in

America, innit?

Me was thinking, where do me recognize that hand signal?

No, that's not it.

That's it.

i mean julie was right i mean yourself what do you mean means off i was off to

be a dad you're going to be a father the rest of your life no no no no no i doubt

daddy daddy what's not what's the what's the

problem no okay i don't like the whole vibe here i don't want to read this no

no no i didn't take increasing the piece you was into increasing hey this this

the thing was parody

and jokes and reality and life.

Yeah, but what is this going to be? It's a serious message about immigration,

that's all it is. Yeah, but we don't like that message. That message is one.

Me is into immigration.

Me is into mixing it up, black, white, brown or Pakistani.

We all come from the same place, innit? The Qunari.

I don't.

That's not what it is, Dad.

We don't get too late. We don't get too late.

The only way to do what's the most beautiful thing in the world, honey, is

now the baby out of the pussy hole.

Oh, really? Very nice.

All right. She's got her location. It's moving. I think she's in an ambulance or

something.

But we just want to be there. Okay. Well, we'll find her. I'm sure she's in

very safe hands.

You can do it. Almost there. Just your cervix expanding.

Hold it in. Keep your legs together.

I'm going to put my hand right here.

We're going to lock your legs. It's like a locked door. Baby ain't coming out. I

can't ever give birth in this car.

I'm already going to be healthy.

We need to find a medical center.

What? Yeah.

We need to go faster. We can't lift it. We need to relax.

No. What?

Because I'm not going to jail for your mistake.

You guys, go in there.

Don't turn the lights on.

You want to get the electricity, right?

Electricity, yes, sir.

John, can't move on. Can't go anywhere in the middle of traffic.

Just put the timer on there.

The siren will work. No.

Move it tight!

All right, no prank now, guys.

Here we go.

All right.

It's on.

Let's go.

Okay, what do you know?

Tell me.

I'm not delivering a baby.

You get to. Okay.

Okay, remember, we've got to stop it landing on the sword. It cannot touch

the bed.

Let's get this. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Okay.

It's coming on. Close the door. Close the door.

Julia, I'm going to catch you, baby.

It's coming on my arm.

Okay. Here you go. Here, here. You stand here. It's coming on my arm.

I got you. I got you. I got this one. Okay. All right. Now, when I say push,

you're going to push. After three.

One, two, three. Push.

You have to try harder.

You cannot let it touch. You cannot let it touch the ground. You have your hands

there. Okay.

One, two, three, four.

Come on.

Just molecule.

Just molecule. Just molecule.

Remember the mission.

Okay. One, two, three, four.

Come on, Roman. Come on. Okay.

We got you.

One, two, three, four.

Okay. Okay. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Okay.

Oh. Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

Congratulations, mama. Congratulations.

It's the baby toys.

Just put it in here.

Why are you putting it in here?

We're going to take germs away from this baby. We cannot just put it in here.

Okay. The baby is fine.

gonna take the baby what the hey come back in here you want to take the baby

to get checked the vitals yeah and bring it right back let me take the baby who

are you you ain't doctors you just get clean you ain't doctors yes we are

doctors and we gotta do the little quick test make sure everything's good okay

okay okay we got this okay okay let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go okay

great great okay hold on hold on let you catch the baby no How are we going

to do it no matter what? Everything is good.

We need to wipe his face down.

We're going to wipe everything down. There's a sink down there.

The mission is not over.

You need to get the baby to Mexico by any means necessary.

Okay, okay.

I'm going to send coordinates where a drone will pick up that little...

Cultural appropriating terrorist.

Understood? We're going to take the baby to Mexico.

Okay? Yeah.

What a mess.

Never had that before.

Yeah, big shit on here.

You guys, let me in the door.

Right.

Thank you, brother.

I'm going to give you a tip.

You take that.

You're giving me fake 20s. Thank you, brother.

Ten stars out of five, isn't it? You cheap-ass motherfucker.

Damn.

Julie!

Julie!

Julie, we're here.

We're here to see the baby come out.

Julie?

Babes, wake up.

We're just going to have a baby.

Babes.

Babes, I'm so sorry.

You can't.

Of course, because we love you.

What, are you doing OnlyFans again?

No. What?

My baby. The baby's gone.

What?

What? What offering, then? Oh, they were stuck in a fake ambulance. There was

fake doctors.

They've got the baby. You've got to go get the baby.

Don't worry, Rebs.

I just want to get our baby back.

Even if it's a girl.

They're doing it for America.

Air support is coming.

Okay, here's the plan.

We're going to put the baby in the drone and fly it to Mexico.

Coming down.

Okay, you, soldier.

Put the baby in.

Hook it in.

Grab it.

Hook it in.

Grab the top.

Okay, put the baby in.

Close it up.

I'm ready to fly. Okay, let's go.

Let's go.

We did it. We saved America.

Great job.

Fantastic.

Okay, keep an eye on for that road and that road.

Oh, there's someone coming right here. Okay, have a look. Who is it?

It's Gonzalez.

Gonzalez. Okay.

Get your ass down the road.

Oh, don't do that. Keep an eye on that.

Try to get it moving.

Okay.

Okay, let's go.

Zayn, come on. Zayn, I'm aiming right? I'm aiming?

Yeah, aim right.

He's aiming you. Stay there.

What's it say? Low power. Low power. That means when you land, you become an

American citizen.

Okay, you have to release the baby.

Release the baby.

Just like that.

That is your story.

That's how you got to be here, isn't it?

Anyway, listen up. This guy from ICE turns up.

What's going on, Patriots?

Just in time. He's got them. And he tells them to kill me and you. Because

them thought me was a Latino gangster.

We know who you are.

And you're not going to have a baby in America.

We know Alejandro Gonzalez. We know who you are. What?

Alejandro what?

We know how many children you have. Tell him. 140,000.

Then your mum turned up, innit? There's no time for you to be walking. No, no,

no, no. Go back with Julie.

You gotta stay here.

You gotta stay here.

Give me the baby.

Never.

It's gonna have to kill him first, innit?

Okay, let's kill him.

No! No, no, no!

Please, please stop. Please don't kill him. They was just about to pull the cap

from their ass and kill us both.

Kill this cultural appropriator.

Wait, wait.

Me know that voice. Me know you. Yo, me know him. Me boned him.

Me boned him. Luckily,

me had the evidence.

He says footage of them having sex.

Oh, no, I don't want to see that.

Okay, unzip him.

Oh, oh, well done, Tifa.

No.

Okay, I'd like to apologize.

It was an honest mistake.

But the butt-buckler professor wouldn't give up.

Luckily, your mom was well-cleared.

Then them tried to kill Nara.

I'm going to get nice and close.

Let me know when. Stop, stop, stop.

What are you doing?

You just stop it. Just because somebody don't have the same political views as

you, don't mean you have to kill him.

We is all the same under our masks.

Me, you, him.

Shut up.

Please.

Stop wanking, mate.

The dog is for creating life, not taking it away.

Let's do it for the next generation.

Boomy baby.

Boomy wife.

Boomy wife!

Love that film. Still holds on.

What? So the lesson is, little man, don't tell lies.

Because lies...

can get people killed in it and julie are you working for me

now he's ruining his life getting married that's a terrible thing to do

anyway we got in touch with my dad rocky atkins him turns out to be an elvis

impersonator well it seems that me inherited the cultural appropriating

gene yeah here can you take a set rocky atkins jr

I am now going to ask to you, Alina G, a

proud Scottish man, take before Ja, Julie

Kate Middleton Harris, to be your lawful wedded partner till death

doth you part.

What was the question?

Do you,

L.A. McGee, promise to love her very truly?

Me, L.A. McGee, promise to love you very truly.

Julie Kate Middleton Harris, a.k.a. Footage 44.

I now declare you man and wife.

You may go right.

We was married and we was happy, innit?

And guess what? Me got a hit new telly show where me could finally be me

authentical self.

has you met harry potter? uh no i didn't meet harry potter but did them film

harry potter and the prisoner of azerbaijan in your own country? no

absolutely not

uh these things uh don't happen and i bet you was wondering what happened to

dr naira it was cancelled for boning me without something called consent we'll

tell you more about that in the morning before you suck on your mom's sleep

don't worry it's going to be next door

making you a little sister

One, two, one, two, let's get out of here.

Listen up, you're about my class.