Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

# Open your eyes. #

# Open your eyes! #

Open your eyes! Where's the monkeys?

The monkeys? The flying monkeys... eating your flesh...

Monkeys?

Wh-Wh-What are you doing? HE SOBS

Oh, look...don't do that.

I mean, Jesus Christ, that's...

Oh, that noise.

So, if someone had bought somewhere here a year ago, say...

well, ten months, actually,

it wouldn't be worth selling yet, would it?

You're buying, aren't you? Oh, yeah. I wanna buy, yes.

Yes. I'm a serious buyer.

This doesn't cost anything, does it? Talking to you? No.

I could afford it anyway.

So, what have you got? On Meynall Road?

It's a three bedroom.

Uh, how about this? It's a three-bed...

No. Not that one. A different one.

Right, well, then... We have this...

Yes! That's it.

How much is he selling it for?

That's on the market for 320,000.

Fuck off! Pardon?

He only paid 240 for it.

Jesus, that's...

80 grand!

He's made £80,000...for what?

Sitting on his arse?

I can't believe he's made 80 fucking grand!

Probably.

You all right now?

Yeah.

Sorry about the...crying.

I don't know what got into me.

Right.

Well, I'd better get on.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit. What?

Well, it's obvious you're not gonna see me again. I've screwed that up.

Look, Justin... You're repelled by me.

I am not repelled by you. I'm repulsive. You couldn't possibly find me attractive.

I stuck a candle up your arse, didn't I?

No, no, it's my fault.

Oh, no, look, please.

Please, don't...

Look, I'm not very good with the...

I just don't know who I am any more.

With the tears and the face...

Oh, please, Justin, don't.

Look, I really want to see you again. Please, don't...

If I could just see you again... All right, yes, yes, then!

What?

I'll see you again.

Just...turn them off.

Really? Yeah, really.

I can't fucking wait. All right?

Don't...kiss me!

Do you want some milk? Hm?

No, thanks. You all right?

I've just agreed to a date with that bloke.

You did look really good together.

When you were shaking hands at the door. I hate him.

Why did you agree to go out with him?

I had to do something, he was crying.

He just looks at me with those big watery, cow eyes of his,

and I have to make it stop, it's like I've got no defence against it.

I've gotta get rid of him, but how am I supposed to do that with those eyes?

Don't look at him, then.

When you're getting rid of him. What?

Just don't look him in the eyes.

You know, like a vampire

with a priest or something. Shut up.

You're not gonna believe this. Please don't let this be about Karl selling his house.

Karl is gonna make £80,000 selling his house.

The house I bought with him!

You mean selling the house you didn't buy with him.

What are you talking about?

Who...?

Who found that estate agent? Who suggested looking in that postcode?

Whose idea was it to not knock through the kitchen and the dining room? Isn't that buying a house?

No. Buying a house actually involves buying it.

He is making £80,000!

I'm not seeing a penny of that! I mean, did he love me or didn't he?

The Karl I knew wouldn't want to see me cut out of the will like this.

Not will, it's not a will, I mean, he's not dead, but he may as well be.

This isn't just about the money? You seem a bit emotional.

I mean, I left Karl to get a better life and all of a sudden he's got £80,000, and what have I got?

What am I left with?

Apart from you two, of course. I stole this.

CLINK!

SHE CACKLES

Ow!

Thanks.

So, apparently, it's er...a good time to buy.

Probably a bad time to sell. No, it's a good time to sell.

Really? So, you'll make a few quid on it? Well, not so much. A few quid.

A few quid or not so much, which is it, Karl? Are you all right, Donna?

Yeah, I'm perfectly all right. I just want you to decide what it is you're saying.

Is it a few quid? Is it not so much? Is it this? Is it that? Is it black? Is it white? What is it, Karl?

I'm going to make a few quid. Great. Brilliant. How much? How much are you gonna make?

Well, a few grand. 80,000 grand.

How do you know?

I happened to be in an estate agent, because you're not the only one... You checked what I'm selling for?

Don't worry, Karl, I'm not asking for any of your precious £80,000.

Why would you ask for it?

Oh!

Right. Well, who practically bought this house for you?

The estate agent was mine, the postcode was mine...that...

that shelf...that was my idea - if it wasn't for me, you'd have a cork floor in the bathroom.

Donna! It's my house. I bought it. Why are you moving anyway?

What's the point? I mean, you sell this place, you buy somewhere down the road, what is the point?

Well, I'm not gonna... And the kissing?

Yeah? What was kissing me all about? Bloody hell, Donna, you sound like you wanna get back together.

What? What the...? What?

What?

What the fuck...? What?

Look, Donna, we kissed. It was a mistake.

Of course it was a mistake, but how can you stand there and say, "It was a mistake"? To me?

Well, let's just forget it, then. No!

No, let's not forget it.

I'll forget it, OK? I have forgotten it, it's not even in the back of my memory.

It's you that's going on about it, but I'm forgetting it, not you.

You really have changed, Karl.

You never used to put yourself first. What's happened to you?

Nothing's happened to me. I'm just not staying here for the rest of my life, going round in circles, OK?

Right, what are you going to do, emigrate? Yes.

Yes, what? Yes, I'm going to emigrate.

I've checked it all out.

I've been looking at places in Tuscany.

You're...going to France? Italy.

Which is it, Karl?

Italy, I'm going to...

What are you talking about?

I'm going to live in Italy.

Don't be a cunt.

So, er...

what did you do today, then?

Nothing really.

I was just waiting for tonight.

Make an effort, Justin.

These are nice forks. How long does a salad take?

It's like a whole new life has opened up to me, Donna.

You know, you can have no money but still have things.

That's what John Lennon was singing about, "Imagine no possessions".

I mean, obviously I've got this all

stuff, and these are my possessions,

but they weren't before.

I mean, look at this.

What's this?

I've got no idea what this is. But now I own one.

Do you think this is the way that we were meant to live?

Before we go to prison? Yeah.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, Karen, I'm not doing very well here.

You know, it's just that...

well, you're the first woman I've been with since Beth,

and I think I'm finding it hard to cope.

I'm pathetic, aren't I?

Look...Justin, you are not pathetic.

You're a good person. Bit of a cry-baby, but you're doing all right.

I mean, you picked me up last night, didn't you?

That took a bit of nerve.

What? In the Star And Garter, you were great.

Came up to me, give it the big "I am". We were having a right laugh.

No. What do you mean, "No"?

Yes! we were out back in the beer garden for Christ's sake, getting all...

I wasn't in the Star And Garter.

What?

I met you at the 7-Eleven. I was getting the morning papers. Oh.

Are you sure? Oh, my God. You thought I was that bloke you walked in with?

No, no, I didn't.

I think you look really similar anyway.

Oh, Christ. No, no, listen.

My first sexual encounter in

three years is a mistaken identity.

Now you mention it, I did notice a bit of a difference, but I thought it was just the booze.

HE WEEPS

What? Are you...?

Let's have sex.

HE STOPS WEEPING

SHE GROANS FRUSTRATEDLY

Donna?

Yeah... What? What are you doing?

Well, I'm just...

No, look, d-don't...because I am simply...

I am simply...

I think I dropped a pound.

HE WEEPS

Look, Justin, um... I just need to talk to Karen for a minute, OK? OK.

OK, Donna.

And...and look, it's gonna be fine.

I mean, it was just a film. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Oi! Where are you going? What?

What is going on with that man?

He just started crying. Does he do that a lot?

(All the time! He cries all the time.)

He's like a drunk baby. What's he blubbing about now?

He was telling me the plot of The Pianist and then he was off.

Bloody hell. What am I gonna do? Can't you just get rid of him?

No, I can't.

The moment I get near it, the waterworks start and I get all panicky and I just want it to stop.

I shagged him five times last night.

I had to shag him to sleep.

I don't understand you. Just tell him that you...

What's going on?

Look, Justin, erm..

I think you're a great guy.

And I'm really sorry that your wife said your personality had become creepy,

but you know, there are people you can pay

who will listen to your problems.

Psychiatrists.

Or whores.

So...

You are such good people.

Aw! See you later. Just off out on the rob.

HE SNIVELS SOFTLY

Look, I just wanted to say...things got a little heated yesterday...

and I just wanted to say... Wanted to say sorry?

I'm not saying fucking sorry. Why would I say sorry? You're the one being a twat.

Donna... No, but look...

Besides all that, forget all that. I just want to say, as a friend,

You are looking really, really stupid.

What? What are you gonna do next?

Buy a Porsche?

Hair transplants? A girdle?

Is this some kind of mid-life crisis?

I'm 33! But you look older. Karl, I'm just thinking of you.

Let's stop this before it goes too far. You're not going to Italy.

I am, Donna. I am going to Italy. Look, Karl, this whole Italy thing has got to stop, OK?

You're making a fool of yourself. They won't like you. They're very expressive...

very physical, sexual, emotional people, Karl. They'll think you're a retard.

No, look, I didn't mean that the way it sounds. Karl? Karl?!

Thanks for letting me in, Margaret.

I was worried you might still be mad at me for not marrying Karl.

But er... Maybe now we can be friends.

Can I sit down? No.

Right. Well, the place looks... Is that a new doll?

What do you want, Donna?

Yeah. That's a good idea, let's cut to the, um...

Look, Margaret,

I don't know if you know this...but

Karl's talking about moving to

Italy.

Of course I know. He's my son.

He tells me everything.

He doesn't tell you everything, Margaret.

Name one thing he hasn't told me.

He didn't tell you he slept with his cousin. What?!

No, not that... And anyway, they didn't have... It was...

It was just a...blowie. Look, I think we're getting off on the wrong...

This is about Karl. What do you think about this whole...Continental fantasy?

I think if it's what Karl wants.

But is it what Karl wants?

Yes. He said, "It's what I want."

Look, Margaret.

I know Karl and he's always been frightened of doing what he wants.

We need to go round there, together, talk him out of this. What?

It's OK. I know what's best for him.

You have not got a clue what's best for Karl.

You don't care about him, you never did. You only care about yourself.

You come round here, telling me what's right for my son.

Well, what is right for him is to get as far away from you as is humanly possible.

Your continued presence in my son's life

has done more damage than dumping him at the altar ever could have.

You are something like a tumour, Donna.

Right!

Well, number one, you never said that before I dumped him - the tumour thing.

And number two, might I remind you that some tumours are benign, so...

..there.

Get out of my house, and then get out of my son's life.

All right, look... We've had our differences.

Well, I've never had a problem with you, but you seem to...

But forget all that. The issue here is Karl.

And I don't think you want your only son hundreds of miles away.

How often do you think you're going to see him?

What if he starts speaking Italian?

What if he gets all up himself?

What if he starts talking all foccacia and Fellini and Real Madrid?

What if he changes, Margaret?

What if Karl changes?

Where will you be then?

For you.

Why can't I just come in? The estate agent's upstairs showing a couple round.

Don't worry, Karl, I won't show them where you tried to hang yourself. Donna!

Look, I've got something to tell you. What?

Something...interesting, very, very interesting.

Can't you tell me later? No, I have to tell you now.

It's very important and interesting, and I have to tell you now,

and if I tell you later, it'll be rubbish and shit. OK?

Are you all right, Karen?

You don't seem to be looking at me.

What? Oh, yeah, no, I...

I've got something in my eye. Listen, Karen, I've probably showed a bit of...

well, an emotional side of myself, but you're still here,

so...that's a good thing.

I suppose I'm just a little insecure.

Right.

Justin, there's something I wanted to... I have a fear of abandonment.

Right. Erm...well, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.

There's something I'd like to say to you too. I'll go first.

Things have been hard ever since me and Beth split up.

I haven't been coping with it very well. I've been sleeping with the light on...

and I'm ashamed to say that I've...well, I've wet myself once or twice.

I'll stop you there, Justin.

It's just the thing I have to say is...

It's just...not seeing my kids. Well...it's tearing my heart out.

I really do think that I should say my thing because...

Jamie's three and Lisa is eight.

They're really growing up, and they're such good kids.

And I mean they know Liam's not their real dad, so that's fine.

Well, Lisa does.

OK. Well, what I was gonna say was...

All I'm trying to say, Karen, is I think with a little bit of help...

a little bit of well...love, maybe a touch of tenderness...

I could be a man again.

That's all I want, Karen.

Just to get me...back.

HE SOBS

HE SOBS LOUDLY

Well, basically, what I wanted to say was...

HE WEEPS I don't wanna fucking see you again.

What?

Oh.

Well, that was a lot easier than I thought.

All I'm saying is that they'll have their own kitchen salesmen there.

Italian kitchen salesmen who are handsome and speak Italian and know about Italian kitchens.

You'll have to flirt.

You? Flirting?

Think, Karl.

I've told you I won't be selling kitchens. What are you gonna do, then? Gigolo yourself?

I'm just gonna go over there, get a bit of land, see what happens. A bit of land?

What are you talking about? That won't work.

I've seen the films. You won't be able to find a spring, and the locals will kill your cows.

You said you had something to tell me. What do you think that was?

Go.

What are you doing? Why are you looking at your watch?

Are you waiting for someone? Can I have a cup of tea?

No. We're loving the house.

Oh, great. So, when you're ready to have a chat...

Yeah, great.

This is where Karl tried to hang himself.

So, it's strong... It's good...sturdy...

Took your weight, didn't it, Karl? And when you include the...

the drop, that's...that's quite some...yank. So, it's strong.

You know, you could probably hang three people along there.

If you so wished.

Excuse me? Yes? Oh, hi! Come on.

Sorry? Come inside with me. What? No... Can you let go of my...?

Police! What are you doing? Police, police!

What are you doing?! It's all right.

It's fine. You're stealing!

Hey, you! Come here!

For God's sake, don't, he's gonna...

I gave you a Yop! A stolen Yop!

Who are you? A good citizen.

You little bastard!

I've got him! Here he is! What are you saying?

Yeah, this is him. Stealing little bastard, stealing little bastard!

No, it's you. ..It's her!

Oh, yeah? Well, what's this then?

Has he got a receipt for that?

Has he got a receipt for this?

And this? I can explain.

Tell it to the judge.

Will you just go?! Why are you being like this?

Can't a friend drop round to see a friend and have a simple cup of tea, friend to friend?

I really don't think this is helping, they really are serious buyers.

They are not serious buyers, they are flipping gazumpers.

DOORBELL Yes! There! Right! Don't let them...

It's about time you realised there are other people to think about.

Mum?!

Yes, "Mum". Your mother, your mother who loves you.

If you're not gonna listen to me then, for God's sake, listen to her. Margaret?

It's about you going, Karl. OK.

I know you think this is the best thing to do - selling up, abandoning your life here, moving to Italy.

What are you trying to say, Mum? I'm trying to say...

Go for it, son.

What? Get on the plane, don't look back. You only have one life, I want you to live it to the full.

Margaret!

And the further you can get away from this conniving little succubus,

the happier I will be.

Succubus? Look, I hate to get in the way, but I think you need to have a chat with these people.

Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Do you want to get back together? What? I mean...

That's what this is all... You want to try again?

I mean, if that's what you want... Is that what this is about?

Cos if it is... OK, fine, all right.

Let's do it.

I'm willing to give it another go.

What are you talking about? I'm talking... What I'm talking about is...

If that's what you want...

..we can get back together.

There. I've said it.

So if that is what this is all about, if that's what this whole charade is,

then you've made your point, you've won, you've got it. There.

Let's get back together.

Donna...

Can we get back together?

Please?

I don't want to get back together.

Oh, right.

OK. Fine, well...

We can do that as well. That's...

Fine. I'm not... I'm not, I'm not...

That's good... I mean, that's good for me.

Good luck with the house.

It's a nice house.

Right, I'm off. I'll leave you to iron out the details. Bye, Margaret.

She put them in my pocket.

# Celebrate good times, come on!

# It's a celebration! #

Well, what is there to celebrate? I've just had an innocent pensioner arrested.

Don't worry about it. He'll probably just get a caution.

Unless he's done it before, which he probably has.

I mean they're always nicking things, pensioners,

in which case, the fucker's going down. What kind of person am I?

I'm gonna turn myself in.

Well, I'm not - not physically -

but mentally

they may as well throw away the key.

Mentally, I think they already have, Louise.

You all right, Donna?

Donna? Huh?

How are you? How's it going with Karl and the house and all that?

What? How's it going with Karl?

Oh, yeah, great. Good.

Yeah?

Yeah. He's going to Italy now, and that's fine.

Actually, I'm really pleased. I'm really, really pleased. Good.

I said to him, "You've only got one life, just live it to the full.

"And the further away you get from...

"Don't sit around here, in this city,

"this stupid, dirty, fucking city, with all the...succubuses,

"you know, draining the... Succubi, or...whatever."

Yeah, so yeah.

Yeah, let's...let's celebrate these good times

that we're all having.

I'll get us some more drinks. But, I've just...

I'll just get us some more drinks.