Original subtitles

Excuse me? This is nice.

When was the last time we did this?

There's a fair amount of talent.

Karen! What? You said that this would be a girls' night. It is.

I mean, it's my birthday and you said... Yeah, course.

You said we would stick together and not go off with anyone. I know.

So, you're not gonna go off with anyone? No.

Cos we can have a laugh together, can't we? Yeah.

So, we're just gonna stick together,

that's the plan. Yes.

So tonight you're not gonna pull any blokes whatsoever

and go off with them? No!

I'll see ya later Louise, I'm just gonna fuck this bloke I pulled.

This programme contains some strong language.

Can I have large donner, please,

with extra chilli sauce and garlic sauce.

No tomato, please. Or onions.

Or lettuce, or cabbage, or anything but meat.

D'you have curry sauce? No, it's OK, it's fine.

Thanks.

What the fu...

Did anyone? Did you see?

Fuck! You're not gonna believe this, she's done it again.

I've just had my kebab stolen!

What? Oh, my God, that's terrible!

He just snatched it and ran up there.

Are you OK? No, I'm not OK.

I'm really upset. He just snatched it.

What a bastard. That's...

I can't believe you just had your bag stolen.

I didn't have my bag stolen.

I thought you said

you'd had your bag stolen. My KEBAB.

What? I've just been...

a man has just stolen my...

belongings. Your kebab? Yeah, my property. Your kebab?

Louise! You weren't here, you didn't experience the crime.

Crime? So what are you gonna do, call the police? Yes. I am.

Would all officers please drop everything they're doing

and put out an all points bulletin on a large donner ke...

it was all meat, wasn't it, love?

You're making fun of me, aren't you?

I was frightened and...and shocked, I mean, doesn't that mean anything?

Were you hurt? No, I wasn't hurt...

not physically, but... he just clutched the pitta...

pocket, he knew what he was doing.

I think he's done this before. Right.

Let me give you some advice. Go home, go to bed,

sleep it off, and wake up in the morning

thanking your lucky stars that I haven't arrested you

for you wasting police time.

Yeah, come on, Donna, let's go.

I don't believe this! So he just... he just gets away with it, does he?

Scot free. So, so that's the world we're living in?

I mean, someone tell me, what is the difference between this

and murdering an old lady for her pension?

I mean, there is a difference, of course it's different,

it's completely different, but is it THAT different?

We're going home, don't worry, we're going, come on, Donna.

Yeah, I'm going. But I tell you what -

my faith in this country is not what it was.

A little piece of my innocence has died tonight.

You off to Karl's? Why would I be off to Karl's?

You always go to Karl's when you're depressed.

I'm not depressed, Louise.

I've just lost my faith in humanity.

Anyway, I'm not going to see someone who thinks I'm incapable of love.

That's just what Tanya said.

You can't trust a woman who gets her kids to lie about their age.

Just talk to him. How can I talk to him if I'm not going round there?

I'm just going for a walk.

This whole thing has really got to me.

I mean, I don't want to overplay this,

but I may never be able to trust another human being again.

Hello.

I'm Christopher.

Right.

I stayed last night.

With Karen.

You're a friend of Karen's? Am I? I don't know, Christopher.

Am I? You tell me.

You tell me what friendship is.

Is it all right if I get some Oatibix?

No, no, no, come on.

Come on, time to go. Let's move it.

I was just gonna get some...

If you want breakfast, grab an apple.

You weren't supposed to fall asleep here.

Oh. OK. Do you want my number? No.

I just thought that we could... I bet you did. Come on. Shake a leg.

Oh, look, I'm sorry. I'm just a bit...

I'm not a morning person, Chris.

To be honest, people give me the creeps in the morning.

We had fun, I just don't think, you know, Chris,

you do all that stuff, exchanging numbers and...

It's Christopher. Get out.

I don't think you made him feel shit enough about himself, Karen.

Why don't you send him a quick text

saying his mum's died?

What's got into you?

What did you say? What did you promise me

at the beginning of last night?

I dunno, I never remember anything after 7.30.

You promised that we would stick together

and not go off with any blokes. Yeah...

Unless we really wanted to.

Everyone knows that only applies if you don't pull.

Well, I meant it. I meant it under any circumstances.

Why didn't you say that then?

I did. I said it repeatedly.

I spent all night saying it.

I wrote it down on a beer mat and made you sign it!

What's the big deal? If you got off with someone, I wouldn't mind.

I wouldn't have got off with someone.

Well, obviously, it's not a solar eclipse.

Can you stop doing that?

Belittling me and making me feel shit about myself.

Stop talking, Louise, I've got a hangover.

Oh, you're mean, you know that?

You're mean to that man and you're mean to me. You're mean to everyone.

That's why you've got a hangover,

because you're trying to distract yourself

from the fact that you're a mean-spirited, alcoholic old slag.

Look, you made me say that, you...

No, no, it's fine.

I mean, look, you were... Don't worry, Louise. Honestly, it's fine.

I mean, as if I'd get upset about being called names

by someone whose greatest achievement in life

is carrying three plates at once.

I've achieved things.

You know where you are? Nowhere.

You know where you're going? Nowhere.

You know who you are? No-one.

Now, you may well say the same of me,

but at least I know how to have a good time.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Where've you been? Oh, you know.

Looks neat in here.

Did you put up those shelves?

Yeah. Yeah, I did, actually.

But then, um, they broke and smashed the...

so I got Jamie round to do it properly. Looks nice.

Looks like a proper house.

You all right? Yeah, yeah. I just had this weird thing, last night.

What happened? Well, all right, but don't laugh, OK, because...

it was after the pubs were closed and I was having a kebab,

and this guy ran past and just grabbed it out of my hand. What?

He snatched it, he just stole it out of my hand.

Well, did you call the police? Well, yes... are you making fun?

No,

I mean, what, this guy stole this

kebab off you?

Were you hurt? That's not... That's not the point, it was a crime.

What's the difference between that and snatching an old lady's purse?

Well, it's different, but is it really different?

That's what I said.

And what did the police say? He laughed at me. He what? Jesus!

Was it a large kebab? Yes. It was.

I wasn't gonna eat it all, but... That is despicable, that is...

I mean, you're a woman on your own,

and this man steals something from you.

All right, it was a kebab.

What does it have to be, a gold kebab, before it's a crime?

No, it doesn't. Definitely.

Legally...legally, I think all property's theft.

Everyone was laughing. You're not laughing, are you?

No! No. No, thanks, Karl.

What for? Understanding. Oh, well, you know...

Karl...

When I was five, my mum made a run out of chicken wire

for my guinea pig in the back garden,

and I used to take it out there.

But one day - and this was in the heat wave -

I forgot about it, and left it out there for eight hours,

and it...baked to death.

By the time I remembered him, he looked like a hairy crabstick.

I cried for three whole weeks.

Right... Yeah.

Well, look, I... I better be off.

It was because I loved him, Karl.

Thanks.

Here you go. Sorry for the wait. Could I get the menu?

Sure, one second. Sorry to keep you

waiting. What can I get you?

Could I have a latte... Sure. A BLT... Yeah.

French fries, a mixed leaf salad...

Moved out? Yes!

What did you say to her?

Me? What did I say to her?

She called me an alcoholic old slag!

It was the way she said it, Donna.

This is crazy. She's your friend, you've known her for years.

I don't even like her!

Sitting there, judging me, looking at me with her eyes and things.

If I wanted someone judging me, I'd dig my mother up.

Karen, just give her a call. Why? I don't care.

It's lovely since she's gone.

Seriously. I'm not even thinking about it.

What did you do today? But you can't just... What did you do today?

I went round Karl's.

I told him about the kebab incident.

So I'm going to the police station tomorrow.

Yep. Yeah. Make a complaint.

Well, not a complaint, we just think they handled it badly,

they should take these things more seriously. Course it is.

Karl was kind of brilliant, actually.

He just knew exactly the right thing to say.

I mean, that's the thing about Karl.

He'd always say the right thing, even when it was complete rubbish.

I don't know, Karen, it's times like this you look at your life

and you just wonder...

if you've made the right choices.

I tell you something else - if she thinks I'm apologizing,

she can kiss my arse! Right, well, I'm off out.

Probably gonna get pissed and shag a stranger.

Then again, I might just give someone a hand job in the toilets.

The possibilities are endless.

Who needs friends when you got possibilities?

Thanks for letting me stay, Richard.

Look, I'm sure she didn't mean it.

She's just a bit of a horrible bitch. Richard...

what would you say if I told you I've got a brilliant idea?

Louise, I'm sorry, I know it's trendy,

but I have no idea how to make snail porridge.

I wouldn't know where to start.

No, it's a business idea. I've had it for years

and never done anything about it, because I didn't have the courage.

But I know it's a really strong idea.

You are a clever, strong, beautiful

modern woman and you can do anything

if you put your mind to it.

But I haven't got any money, or any experience...

Neither did I when I opened the restaurant.

I was working in a post office, for God's sake.

Had no money, I went to a friend of mine who finances business ideas,

and I said to him, "You listen to me.

"I have a great idea that is going to make both of us a lot of money,

"and if you don't invest right now, then you are a twat."

The rest is history.

You really think I could do that?

Yes! I really do think you could do that.

Do it now! Live today, not tomorrow.

I believe in you.

Believe in yourself!

Believe in Louise.

Hey, hey, what's this?

Thank you. Thank you so much for believing in me.

Oh, God! Of course I believe in you.

So you'll arrange the meeting, then?

What? With your friend? This is going to be brilliant, Richard.

Right, erm...

You are my best friend!

And let me tell you, you are going to get a slice of the action, so help me, God.

When can I meet him?

Well, maybe I could set something up...

Let's do this thing!

Come on, Louise, Karen didn't mean to be cruel.

Well, obviously, she did, but you should apologise, and then it'll be all right again.

No. I'm glad she's said those things, it's given me a kick up the backside.

Things are happening for me now, Donna. I can't go back.

Well, I support you, you know I do, and if you really feel like you need to move on, well...

my room's tiny, and if yours is gonna be sitting there free...

Donna, it's yours. And may it bring you as much pleasure as it's brought me.

Look, do you want to sit down and have a drink? On the house?

You'll have to pay for it, though.

No, thanks, I've gotta go to the station.

Yeah, sorry to hear about your kebab, Donna.

You're laughing at me. Great.

Yeah, I lost kebab once, broke my heart.

Have you tried putting little posters up? "Have you seen this kebab?"

So crimes against women are funny, are they? I hope your mother never finds herself alone

at two o'clock in the morning in front of a kebab shop.

Yeah, I like to see your mother there too, Richard. I give her business.

You know, in the arse.

Is joke!

Do you wish to make a complaint? No, I don't wish to make a complaint. So what do you want?

OK. Right. What if it was a bag?

What if it was a bag made of pitta?

Or what if it was pitta bread, but I just kept my money in it?

Did you keep your money in the pitta bread?

Jesus Christ, what is your problem here?

Does it have to be a gold kebab before you'll do anything about it?

I mean it was meat, not gold, but what is the difference? It was my meat, not his.

Look, I'm very busy, you know.

What?

So, you're just gonna... is that it?

Is that it? Is that all I get?

You're just gonna walk away and let this man get away with it?

So that's it, is it? We descend to the law of the jungle. Look...

People can take whatever they want, can they? If that's how it is, why don't I just take your whistle?

I don't have a whistle.

Well, I'll just take your sandwich, then.

That's it, now that civilization's crumbled,

I'm gonna help myself

to the sandwich you paid for,

because that's the law of the

jungle.

All right, you've made your point. Please just put my lunch down.

No, I'm not gonna put the sandwich down.

It's my sandwich now, and I'm taking it.

I'm warning you, you step one foot outside that door...

What are you gonna do? Arrest me?

I can't believe they arrested you. They cautioned me. It's different. You've been in there eight hours!

I'm sure Emily Pankhurst didn't think,

"Oh, I mustn't chain myself to this horse in case I get arrested."

She did what she had to do.

They were laughing at me, you know. I mean, this guy steals...

I had to hold on to a wee for four hours!

There was this peephole thing,

I kept thinking someone was gonna... peep.

Aww. Well, do you need to go now, or...

No, I did it in the end.

In stages.

Look, do you wanna go for a drink or something?

I'd love to, but I've gotta get back.

I've got someone looking at the house.

I'm selling it, Donna. That's why I was doing it up.

You're selling our...I mean, you're selling the house?

Yeah, well...too big for me.

I better get back.

OK.

Bye.

Do you want some breakfast?

What?

Yeah, sit down.

You can eat your apple here if you like. With a knife.

OK...if you're sure.

So... what's your name again?

It's still Christopher.

Oh, yeah, course.

So, er, what do you do then, Christopher?

Well, I work for a multi-media company, mainly in sales.

But recently, I've become more involved in the creative side of things.

I mean, we've just been working on this fantastic viral

for this really exciting new band,

well, I say band, but really, they're more of a collective.

I mean, we only had three grand, but by the time we'd pulled in a few favours, you know...

But what I'd really like to do is, and this is the interesting thing...

Get out.

And if these changes work out, I don't think I'm gonna have to ask you for any more...

I'm not giving you any more money. Fingers crossed, I won't actually be needing any more money.

I'm not giving you any more money. So, how's your wife?

Hello. I'm Louise.

Ivor. Pleased to meet you. Richard. Sorry, erm...

This is Louise, Ivor. Why don't you two take a seat and I'll bring us some coffees?

I don't think we want coffees. I'm sure you'd rather just get on with this.

Well, yes. Yes, I would.

This is an idea I've had for a very long time,

but I've never had the courage to do anything about it.

But I think this could make me a lot of money.

And if you invest now, I think it could make you a lot of money as well.

Sounds good. OK.

Great, let's get started.

I'm just going to say one word...

Cock-lollies.

Cock-lollies.

Cockloleeze.

Genetically incapable of love, am I?

What are you talking about?

Tanya said that you said I'm incapable of love. Did you or did you not?

Right, well, number one, she's taken that completely out of context.

How am I incapable of love, Karl?

I was with you for five years.

When you got depressed and you put on all that weight, I stuck by you.

You really porked out, Karl.

Is that incapable of love?

Donna... And when your "friend" from school died,

who you hardly bloody knew, by the way?

Who held your hand when you cried? Did I judge you? No.

Is that incapable of love? I don't know, Donna.

It just looked like you were having a shit time.

I just felt like I was always letting you down. Why?

You used to say, "You're always letting me down."

I felt like you were gonna dump me

from the moment we got together.

Every time I said "I love you," you said, "Thanks."

So you're just gonna sell it, the house we bought together?

We didn't buy it together.

You dumped me at the altar before we had a chance to buy it together.

Well, we looked at it together. We got the survey done together. Surely that means something?

One minute you're all, "I understand about the kebab," and the next, you're selling the house.

I don't understand, Donna.

What is it you want?

I don't want anything, OK? I don't need anything from you at all.

I'm not perfect, Karl, I know that.

But the things you said about me, I would never, ever say those things about you.

So you don't need to worry, because you've seen the last of me.

I will never ask anything of you again.

Cockloleeze are, in essence, frozen ice lollies in the shape of...

Of a cock? Of a cock, yes.

Four flavours, three sizes, one product.

This is going to be huge.

I've researched this in detail. They're incredibly easy to make, incredibly cheap to produce,

and once we start manufacturing them in bulk, there's about a 400% mark-up.

We can make these with all natural ingredients and using recycled pulps

for the sticks, so it's good for

you, it's good for me and it's good

for the environment as well.

But look, why sit here listening to me,

when we can let Cockloleeze do the talking?

As the saying goes...

suck it and see.

It's him, it's the man, the man...the man who...

What? The man who stole my fucking...the kebab man! Really?

Yeah! He's there, at the bus stop, just sitting there,

in broad daylight, happy as you like, rubbing my face in it! Let's get him! What? Yeah, go on, go there, and...

punish him! Right. Yeah.

Yeah. OK. Yeah, I'm gonna... Come on! Hang on, Donna, I gotta get psyched!

Get psyched on the way, Karl! He's gonna get the bus!

I'm talking Mardi Gras, I'm talking Gay Pride, I'm talking Love Parade.

Worldwide, we are talking over 175 gay festivals a year.

And it's not just festivals, because if we can get concessions

in clubs, we've got a very steady income stream.

I mean, we're going to start small,

obviously,

but this is just to let you know I'm serious

about the potential of this.

Right. But it doesn't end there.

Because it's not just gays that like cock...

women like cock too.

Ibiza, Magaluf, Ayia Napa... I could go on.

But this doesn't even scratch the surface.

If I have my way, in five years' time,

there won't be a hen party in this country that's not sucking on one of them.

In short, Ivor, it is my mission to turn Cockloleeze into a global phenomenon.

Ivor, I have to say, I had no idea this was going to be so...

This is brilliant. So brilliant, yes, well done, Louise. Can we get a joke on this stick?

There's a company in Birmingham, that's all they do!

I'm impressed. I'm very impressed. This is good. But are you up for this?

This is about you, Louise. I'm investing in you as much as Cockloleeze.

Can I invest in you, Louise?

Yes. Yes, you can. Absolutely.

Good. I want to run this past my business partner,

but that shouldn't be a problem.

I want to get things moving on this, so shall we say...seven? Too soon?

Not soon enough! Seven, yes. Thank you, Ivor.

I want a 50-50 split. Oh, I bet you do. But we'll talk about that later. Well done.

Well done you, Richard.

Is that how much it was? £4.50, yes, yes, it's all there.

Right. If I ever, EVER catch you round here, stealing anyone's food again...you understand?

Now get your fucking bus.

Right, we'll probably order food a bit later,

but right now, just coffees, yeah? So, two cappuccinos... Shut up a minute.

So... you staying at Richard's?

It's not the same without you in the house.

We've run out of milk.

Look, I'm really sorry for saying all that stuff

about you going nowhere.

It's not true, honestly. I mean, if anyone's going nowhere, well... it's Donna.

Actually, what you said really helped.

It made me realise I've just been treading water.

But I've taken the first step, Karen.

I'm starting a business.

Cockloleeze? Yeah!

I am so proud of you!

I was wrong, Louise.

I shouldn't have gone off with that bloke. He was a tosser.

Let's get a drink. Celebrate. Just you and me, no men.

No, I've got my meeting with the money man tonight. I've gotta keep clear-headed.

This is my big chance. Yeah, of course. Of course you do. I tell you what,

why don't I buy you dinner?

No booze. Not even in the sauce.

Did you see him give me the finger from the back of the bus? Did he?

Yeah, he was giving it all that... He wasn't doing that when you had him by the neck! Ah well, you know...

You were great.

And look, sorry about all that stuff at the door.

Just threw me a bit, you know, selling the house... Listen, Donna,

whatever I said to Tanya, I dunno, that's just not what I think.

You're a good person.

Maybe.

So, you definitely selling, then? Yeah, yeah, I am.

It's probably for the best.

Right, I'm off.

Might get a kebab on the way home!

Look, thanks.

This girl... I fucking love this one!

Louise?

Get up!

Get up!

Get up, if we're gonna Manhattan's!

Don't worry, I'm sticking to this one like glue.