Original subtitles

Turn here.

See, that's where it's supposed to be there.

I told you, and I've never been there before. I told you it was there. You

have an opinion about many things you don't know about. This is Miriam

Margulies. I don't let knowledge cloud my judgment.

And this is Alan Cumming.

Good heavens.

Now, Miss Miriam, please let me take you on a little... A wee tour.

We've decided it's time we both reconnected with our Scottish roots.

Miriam is one of our best-loved actresses.

And has lit up stage and screen over a 60-year career.

What do you think of that?

My Glaswegian father instilled in me a love of this great country.

I'm just a tart from the slums.

Alan's an award-winning actor and performer.

It's Saturday night on Broadway.

Who has had an amazing journey from Scottish soaps to Hollywood.

That's showbiz. I live in New York with my husband Grant, but I was born and

raised in Scotland.

Oh, this could be mine, Miriam. Mine. Well, I don't know about that.

Now, at the grand old ages of 80 and 56... We're driving round the land

of our fathers.

These are cute.

I think we've got this. I'll be showing Alan my Scottish bits.

I wish they could see that we'd come back.

And I'll be showing Miriam mine.

Gird your loins, Miriam.

I am girded.

Looking to our past.

I feel emotional.

This is freaking me out.

And experiencing new things.

Oh, no, I'm not doing this. No, forget it. No, I've had enough of this.

Nailed it!

All whilst trying to keep our campervan on the road.

Is that Ben Nevis? That one there.

Don't distract me, all right?

I'm panicking.

This is the turning here.

Got it.

God help us.

We're on the road again.

On the road again.

I'm going to take my jumper off. Why, don't threaten me with a good time.

Of course, there's always a good time to be had with Miriam in the passenger

seat.

On this leg, we'll visit the majestic mountains of the West Coast and race up

one of its peaks.

Miriam, I'll race you.

Before motoring across country to meet a real-life witch in the Highlands.

You're pretty original, darling, with your tattoos.

and for me to introduce Miriam to a special coming family ritual.

I think I've got a suspension bra.

Then we'll wrap up the week with a world premiere of our new Gaelic song, with my

own unique contribution.

Go into a private place and record your boobs clattering together.

And to kick off the week, my charming companion and I are heading along

Scotland's beautiful west coast on the shores of Loch Broome.

Alan's looking for somewhere to retire and thinks this rugged and remote

landscape could be just the place for him.

I always imagine I will end my life as a sort of eccentric Scottish showbiz

recluse on a lochside mansion, maybe getting somewhere later on to die in.

Well, you're not going to die yet, just live in it for a bit. But everybody

would love this. This is sheer gorgeousness. Stunning.

As well as being a gateway to the Outer Hebrides, Ullapool has prospered as a

fishing village for centuries.

And whereas New York, where I live now, has a population of over 8 million, only

around 1,500 people call Ullapool home. So it could offer just the solitude I'm

after.

There is one major problem, though.

What? Midges. Oh, I've heard about them. I know.

Midges are biting, swarming little buggers of insects, and the highlands

are plagued with them at this time of the year.

They've no qualms about feeding on locals, tourists, or aging Hollywood

stars.

I don't react well with midges. 20, 30 years ago, I used to, like, come out in

big lumps.

It was sort of allergic lumps.

And one time they even went... I got a midge bit on the inside of my mouth, and

I was like Quasimodo. I'd go, hello!

That's horrible.

It was pretty bad, yeah.

But as we pull up into Ullapool, help is at hand from Nurse Miriam.

This is an anti-midge hat.

Oh, yeah.

It is to protect us.

So... When we put that on... Yeah.

You see what I mean? It's got a little... Oops!

Sorry.

No, I'm serious.

I know I'm looking like a... I can twat, but... You look crazy.

Now, watch it, there's a drawstring. Can I pull this bit down? Is this one back

here for me? Yeah, put it on. OK.

Let's see if I can do it with as much dignity as you did. Oh, look at me.

Now, wait, there's another thing you have to put on.

This is great. These are the mosquito mitts. Oh, my God!

Are we going to be entirely encased in netting? Yes.

These are cute. I think we've got this.

OK. I might take this off whilst we drive into Ullapool. All right. We'll

disrobe together. We'll disrobe.

Are you ready? One, two, three. Boom.

Mary Margulies, strangled by midget apparatus.

Just set off and I'll get rid of it as we go.

Once I've disentangled myself, we'll be stopping at Ullapool's port.

And today, like all good celebrity couples, we're going to split up.

Yes, consciously uncoupling, but just for a few hours.

It's absolutely lovely.

Look how smooth that is. It's like glass.

Boat-building English exiles Dan and Tim have lived in Ullapool for the past

decade and have kindly agreed to take me sailing on Loch Broome so I can search

for the ideal home for my future life as a showbiz recluse.

Hi, I'm Alan. Hi. This is Miriam. Hi, Miriam. Welcome to Holopool. Thank you

very much. Just do with a bit more wind for us today. I'll provide the wind.

Yes. Take care of him, please.

Tim told me that this tiller is actually a whale's penis.

I've got a lot to unpack.

Now if you thought my midji hat made me look like my Harry Potter character

Professor Sprout I'm about to go one step further with a lesson in herbology

from ethnobotanist Monica Wilde Hello, what tell me what all this is?

Well, it's like a cocktail bar, but not for alcohol Monica's one of Scotland's

leading research herbalists and today we're going to concoct a natural midji

repellent This is bog myrtle And if you... Bog myrtle. Bog myrtle. If you

pick up some of those leaves and crush them, you'll see that it's got quite a

strong aroma, quite a strong smell.

Oh, yes. Oh, I like that.

The essential oils in it, if we can get them out, are repellent to things like

midges. So we're going to get the essential oils out of there using

alcohol, vodka in this particular instance.

Good heavens.

There might be enough left over to have a nip.

Stop it.

This is lovely.

And now you can set me to work.

This, we'll agree, is the colour of vodka.

Yes. And this is the colour that it is when... Oh, my word. ..when the leaves

have been in it for a couple of weeks. Looks like someone with a urinary

infection.

So that's a mixture of bog porridge... Bog... What's it called?

Bog myrtle and vodka.

And I'm just going to infuse it in the fresh leaves to try and make it even

stronger.

Even more, yes. To make it even stronger.

Even more pungent. Let me see if I can help you. If you could take the whipper.

Right. And if you take the bog myrtle.

OK.

And what we need to do is just fill it up.

I'm absolutely hopeless at anything like this.

I'm really exposing myself as an incompetent.

Which I am.

This is my idea of a nightmare.

Luckily,

our boat is a midgy-free zone, and I'm excited to see some of the most remote

Lochside real estates on the West Coast.

I've always really fantasised about the idea of living on the water. I wanted to

get a chance to look from the water at some of the houses.

Ah, yeah, this is the best way to get there. It's sort of like estate agents.

horn from the sea should we get the sales let's do it

get

a

bit tighter just as it

comes up i'll give her a wrap around there

Oh, watch, that doesn't cross over. That's it.

I'll tail it and you crank her up.

Is that it?

I think that'll probably do.

Sales are up.

Let's have drinks.

But before we start boozing, I want to get house hunting.

Carved out by ice-age glaciers, Loch Broome's eight miles of mountains and

secluded coastline could be the perfect escape for me.

But then again, I'm pretty picky.

See, like those ones there, too close, they're not remote enough.

Oh, really? Yeah, no. What type of house are you after? I like an old stone, you

know. It's quite traditional, not too modern. I mean, I'm open to modern.

Modern sort of eco designs. I'm very into that.

Oh, look, there's a sort of modern-y, modern-y stilty one. You see that there?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think that's a holiday house.

Look at that, that old little ruined thing. They are pretty magic, aren't

they? There's another one just, you see, in the trees.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I love all those little crudges, but they're just,

like... I don't want anyone near me.

Like, you're even too close.

Just kidding.

The landscape here is utterly breathtaking, but I do still have a

burning question on my mind.

Wow.

So this is not a whale's penis.

You might think that. It looks like the shape of a... I mean, I've not seen many

whale's penises, certainly not up close, but... Sadly, you can't grow whale's

penises on trees, and that's actually a yew branch from my father-in-law's

garden. Ah.

I needed a specific shape, so I wandered around until I spied a likely branch and

I hacked it off. I apologise for bringing the penis into the memory of

your father-in-law.

You'll be tickled.

I think it's time to move on, don't you?

Now back to dry land.

Meanwhile, I'm definitely putting Professor Sprout to shame, mixing my bog

myrtle and vodka midgey repellent.

I want you to give the whole thing ten really big good shakes.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Brilliant.

For good measure.

That's probably enough. Little bastard!

You won't have seen that in the films either.

Brilliant. Thank you.

So if you just pull that lever...

We

have take-off.

Magic!

This colour's even stronger now. That's...

Somebody with a very worrying ear and retracting facial.

We're going to put some glycerin in. That will make the alcohol not as drying

on the skin.

Fascinating. Now, if you give this a good shake, you're good at shaking, and

then spray a little on your wrist.

Oops.

Gosh, I love that smell.

That's gorgeous.

Lucky old Alan.

Speak of the handsome devil.

Hello, kids.

Alan, you're in for a treat.

Oh, it's like a bar.

Well, it is a bar because there is vodka involved.

Is there really? Yes.

Bring it. But you don't drink it, you smear it.

So if you give it a good shake and spray it onto your hands, and then you can pat

it on your face.

Just like putting on aftershave or something.

And the back of your ears.

Yeah, they get... Also in your neck, they get you.

That smells lovely, actually. Isn't it really lovely?

Do you have a name for it? I was talking Miriam's marvellous emollient.

It's just fabulous. I love it. I'm going to go round with my fingers up my nose

all the time.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

Oh, wasn't Monica lovely?

I liked her. I thought she was great, yeah.

I had a lovely time on the water with my sailing friends.

We looked at various houses, you know, from the loch. So it was kind of, I

learned a lot. I want to be a recluse, Miriam. I'm a social butterfly now, but

I feel reclusivity calling me. I think we want you to be a recluse.

Well, don't make me laugh so much when I'm driving.

Alan Cumming and I are travelling round Scotland together in our trusty camper

van. And now we're winding our way through the remote roads of the wild

west coast.

Unfortunately, Alan's having a little trouble with his equipment.

Did you say the mite was chafing your jockstrap?

Right now, when I sit back, it kind of hurts.

It hurts. Well, it's like, you know, it's in the small of my back. I

shouldn't have put it there. I can't get my hand into my jock strap right now,

Miriam. No, I'm really glad about that.

But, you know, working with you is interesting because I'm learning about

all... Jock straps.

..that I didn't know anything about.

And I wondered if they were called jock strap because of Scotland. Is there

something Scottish about them?

No, I think it's more about jocks, like sporty jocks.

Because they're like sports, they're like sort of athletic supports. It's an

American, an athletic support.

Should you need a support there?

Well, I do.

Does everybody or just you? Not everyone.

I just want you to take care of yourself. Well, that's why I wear them.

That's why I wear them, to take care of myself, to like give my junk nice

support. Oh, don't call it junk. It's precious. I know that.

I know how much you guys value the area.

Cargo secured, today Alan and I are heading onwards to a remote and

unspoiled part of the West Highlands called Aardgower.

This land of hills, lochs and forests is thought to have been settled for 6,000

years. At one time or another, it's been home to Iron Age people, Irish monks and

Vikings, and, in more recent times, crofters and hill farmers.

But today we're here to make sweet, sweet music.

I've collaborated and sung with many amazing talents, from Liza Minnelli to

Katie Tunstall.

But I've never recorded a song in Scotland's native language, Gaelic.

So we're going to this recording studio that's out here.

Out here?

Out here, yeah. In the middle of nowhere?

In the middle of nowhere. It's called Watercolour, and it's where all the

great Gaelic singers have recorded their stuff over the years.

Watercolour Studios sits almost in the shadow of Ben Nevis, and it's here we're

meeting one of the most respected Gaelic musicians around, Grígar Lauri.

Grígar's an award-winning performer who's toured the world, and his vocals

even feature on the soundtrack to the TV series Outlander.

Wow!

That's wonderful.

I didn't understand a word.

I didn't start rapping.

until i was in my mid-30s i had written some gaelic songs before you know in the

old style but it was after that i really started kind of breaking apart some of

the stuff from the old style and like making my own raps only around

60 000 scots speak gaelic and sadly i never learned so gregor is going to

teach me i would love to Have a little go at the song of the fairy woman. I've

been in lots of musicals, but I haven't got what he's got. I don't have a voice.

I'm determined that you're going to make a contribution to this arrangement.

Well, I'll do the percussion.

Or what about, could we sample something of Miriam's or do something like that?

We could definitely do a simple percussion loop. We've got shakers and

bits and pieces.

Shakers? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

How much noise did they make?

Sampling. Quite a clatter.

Sampling's a great idea, Alan. Yeah. Do you know, what about the goats? There's

wee goats outside.

Why don't you record the goats?

What do they do?

They go like, blah, bah, or whatever.

He just wants to get rid of me. I'll go out and record the goats.

Or go into a private place and record your boobs clattering together.

How about that?

I'm not sure the world's quite ready for that yet.

I think they've lost their tongues.

Come on.

While Missy Miriam tries to convince the goats to give up their bleats.

Oh, for God's sake.

I'm trying to get my normally English-language-speaking tongue around

a complex Gaelic song.

This is ridiculous.

Have I ever felt stupid on this in my entire life?

Fat this for a game of soldiers.

Yep, done.

Oh, here they are. How did you get on?

You know, I was tickling them and...

Cuddling them and feeding them and crooning to them.

Not a fucking dicky bird, dear.

So I'm afraid I'm not able to do much with the sounds of nature.

Fortunately, Watercolour Studios provide plenty of percussion alternatives.

Like this.

Pick your weapon of choice.

Tambourine.

See?

It's this.

This is more like what I think of you. That's a football thing.

I'm going to do that in the middle of a lullaby. That's what it sounds like.

Wake up! Wake up, baby!

But that's what it feels like to me when you're talking to me in the van.

Charming. Look what I've been reduced to.

Clearly, Alan's not convinced by my musical prowess.

OK, that's great, guys.

Nailed it. Cheers.

Don't worry, Miriam. These guys can perform all sorts of miracles.

And I just wanted this to be something we did together.

So our work is done here, Gregor. We'll see you in a... You're going to go and

do your magic and we'll see you day after tomorrow. Aye.

And can I say I banged?

Alan's time. Special bangs by Miriam Margaridia.

We'll see you in a couple of days. Can't wait to hear what you think of it.

Thanks, Gregor. Looking forward. Thank you.

All right.

Well, the goats are back.

Oh, don't speak to me about them.

Now Alan's fulfilled a lifetime ambition, I'm hoping to achieve

one of my own half an hour away in Glencoe.

When I was a child, my Glaswegian father would take us on day trips from the city

to see some of Scotland's most beautiful sights.

We'd have some grand adventures.

but never climbed any of the country's famous peaks.

Today, at the grand old age of 80, I want to change that.

I've got to tell you, I've got a real hankering to go up a mountain.

Have you really?

I never thought I would.

Opened in 1955, Miala Vuri is home to Scotland's first commercial ski centre.

But fortunately, you don't have to be a skier to visit.

The main chairlift runs all year long to allow would-be mountaineers like us to

access the hill.

You can manage that, Miriam.

Sitting on one of those.

And don't be alarmed by all these ones that are falling off here to your right.

In Gaelic, Miala Vuri means the round hill of the bellowing.

But the prospect of travelling in a chairlift seems to have rendered poor

Miriam speechless.

For once.

Hello, Earth calling Miriam.

That looks absolutely terrifying.

How is it there's no one in them?

Because they've all fallen off to their horrible death.

I don't think I'm going to go in one of those.

I thought you wanted to go up a mountain.

You know, I bet there's another way.

Wait a minute, leave it to me. I'm going to go and try and find out.

That's not for me.

I don't think Jewish girls go in those cable cars.

Look what I found.

What's that?

It's a 4x4. You can drive up the mountain in it.

You can drive up? Yeah, you can drive up.

If somebody else drives. A handsome young gentleman's going to drive you.

Not my good self, another one.

All right.

What it is to be young and agile.

Thank you. That's the great thing about doing a show with someone who's 80.

You feel like a twink.

I feel like a twat, dear.

Miriam and I are about to conquer one of Glencoe's most famous mountains, but not

by foot.

Whilst Alan's taking the precarious-looking chairlift, I prefer

the safety of four wheels.

It should take Alan around 12 minutes to travel up 2,200 feet.

and as my driver's under explicit instructions to take it very easy, we

should hopefully arrive around the same time.

Miriam, I'll race you.

Oh, I don't give a fuck about the race.

Arrive alive.

That's what I believe in.

It's nippy.

It's a wee bit nippy, as they say.

You see where you're going.

And now, live from a chairlift in Glencoe in Scotland, it's

Saturday night on Broadway.

It's Saturday night on Broadway.

These mountains really are worth singing about, and not just on Broadway.

Hollywood blockbusters from Braveheart to Harry Potter and even James Bond have

all used this beautiful glen as a breathtaking backdrop.

It's just a shame I'm not taking much of it in.

Just keep your eyes on the driving.

Don't worry about Alan.

He's sorting himself out.

It's a close run thing.

It's such fun. Such a stunning view.

So stunning.

Even though my arse is killing me, I'm absolutely thrilled I've ticked getting

up a mountain off my bucket list.

You've got a young energy. I mean, you sort of have some fuddy-duddy ideas.

Well,

I'm not an idiot.

You're certainly not an idiot, no. The problem about ageing, nobody told me

that it was going to happen.

You're supposed to find out for yourself.

And you do.

And it's bloody awful.

It's horrible not being able to run and run for a bus.

At night, I think, will I wake up in the morning?

And then I do.

But do you think that every night you might not? Nearly every night. I think

maybe tonight is the night I won't wake up.

And how does that make you feel?

Miserable and then in the morning. I wake up. Yeah, I feel happy again the

compensations are that you are wiser and You know you are and you don't mind

giving advice before I would be very cherry of giving advice But now I just

know that it's to everybody whether they want it or not I feel more confident

when I go into a room I used to be very nervous before and that sometimes made

me noisy

out of nerves. Compensating.

Compensating. Now I just sort of, I just feel I have a right to be in the room

and I'll wait. And when do you think that you came to that place?

Last Tuesday.

Sadly, there's no rest for the wicked or aged.

It's a new day and Miriam and I are back on the road.

But this morning... We're taking the scenic route.

We're having fun sitting in the back seat. Look at this man. Look at this

man.

He's about to go dogging.

What is dogging?

It's when people go to car parks and have sex and watch each other. Oh, God,

honestly. They just have nothing else in life.

They just, you know, when they don't have a good book, you know, pop into a

lay-by, shag the wife from the tailgate whilst lots of men jack off watching.

Oh. Just another Saturday night.

I've never been dogging, before you ask. Okay.

I have had sex in the presence of other people, though.

Ah, the life of an actor.

Our backdrop for this leg of the tour is the historic highland city of Inverness,

which holds plenty of secrets of its own.

This magical landscape has long lent itself to myth and legend.

And as we travel into the south of the city, I'm excited to learn about a rich

part of Scotland's history I've always been fascinated by.

Witches. So many of them. Witchcraft and stuff is a big part of Scottish folklore

and history.

And there's a hotel in Inverness run by a lady who's a witch. And also witches

go and stay there. Well, I'm excited to think about that.

I like the occult.

Me too. I've never met a witch before, I don't think.

Very exciting.

Our witchy rendezvous is taking place at the appropriately gothic Edwardian

hotel. Touchwood House.

That is a beautiful house.

Why don't you get this house?

Is it for sale?

I don't think so.

What a stunner.

But you could make an offer that she couldn't refuse.

Here we go.

It's like the start of a horror film.

Hello, Susan. Hello. I'm Miriam.

Hello. I'm delighted to see you. Welcome to touch. Thank you so much. We love the

house. Do you? You haven't seen anything yet.

As well as being the owner of this palatial pad, Susan McAllister Hall is

also a proud pagan witch.

Oh, I can't get over this. Isn't it amazing?

It's fantastic.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Wow.

Look at the staircase.

Whoa. Amazing.

That's breathtaking.

It's not minimalist.

I know. Is everything original? It's all original, yes.

Wow. Apart from me.

You're pretty original, darling, with your tattoos.

Beyond the enchanting decor, I'm keen to know what it means to be a pagan witch.

Do you sort of come to it? I mean, are you called?

I think it's something that, if it's for you, you've always had an interest in

it. It's sort of, like, ignited.

Yeah, and maybe you meet someone who is of a similar, you know, nature. So did

you meet the witch that brought... I did meet a witch, and it was a male witch,

in fact, who I was, wow, I didn't even know male witches existed.

So, yes, I think it takes...

another to really make you believe that you're not completely barking mad at

what point in your spiritual path did you call you start to call yourself a

witch say hello i'm a witch probably after meeting other witches and

realizing yeah this is this is me this is what i am would you call it a

religion i would hesitate to call it a religion i would prefer to call it a

spiritual path It's about knowledge and wisdom, isn't it? It's about knowledge,

and the local witch would have been the local wise woman, so it was the craft of

the wise.

As a pagan witch, Susan worships nature, and there are important pilgrimage sites

hidden throughout the Highlands' mystical landscape.

Susan has invited us to a special spot ten miles away, in woodland behind a

busy B road.

Okay, so we're going this way to the Clouty Well. This is wonderful.

It's a big adventure.

The Clouty Well is a remnant of an ancient Celtic tradition that began when

pilgrims made offerings to holy wells in the hope of healing.

According to legend, soaking a rag in the water and tying it to a tree can

cure all ills.

Isn't that amazing?

Oh, my goodness.

I know, look at it.

Oh, good heavens.

This must have been going a while. It's very ancient, certainly pre-600 AD, I

would have thought. Wow.

You dip your rag in the water, you tie it to a tree,

make your wish or ask for healing or whatever, and then leave a gift, leave

your coin in the... In the little stone trough thing.

Yeah. Although Miriam and I are first-timers, rituals like this have

always been a big part of Susan's life.

Do you think your nearness to the Critty will help you with your witchiness?

Bound to have been.

I was brought up in the middle of a forest, knowing about nature and

appreciating nature, and it was just somewhere you went regularly throughout

the summer holidays.

And that was my playground.

We ran wild in the woods.

well when in rome or in the middle of the woods it'd be rude not to i have

oh the tartan two pieces of allium tartan this is our tartan it's our

tartan that's amazing yeah so this is the combination of of miriam and alan

and all our different colors reflect different things about our pasts

excellent so i dunk these in the water yep

And then we can tie it to this tree. And you have to think of someone that needs

healing. Okay.

I'm going to tie it.

I'll put it on this bit.

Yeah.

And you've got to think of someone who needs healing or something, I guess.

Okay. So now I make my offering.

You make your offering. If you come down and you... I'll make an offering for you

too. Thank you. Just throw your coin in the well down here.

Excellent.

So now our wishes really will come true. Absolutely.

You always have to put money in, do you? Yeah, you always leave... So the gods

are greedy.

What a treat to have an insight into Susan's world.

But visits to the Clutie Well are just a small part of her practice.

Tonight, Susan's invited us to an intimate ritual with her fellow witches

back at Touchwood House.

And as dusk settles, Alan's helping her to get things ready.

So, what are we going to do tonight?

Well, what we're doing after we've lit this, I'm going to cast a circle.

Which and I'm sure you've never experienced before not you have not

circle is is creating basically a sacred space in

which we hope to commune with our Whatever divine you you believe in

is this something that you do a lot every full moon And what is the sort of

purpose of the ceremony?

Why do people go to church and pray?

To communicate, yeah.

To commune with each other.

To commune with each other and usually ask for whatever it is, whatever

assistance you need or whatever you want to enter your life, whether it's, you

know, success or health or whatever.

Mine is usually bring the right people to me. That's why you're here tonight.

And we're not the only ones.

Soon we're joined by more of Susan's witch friends

Somewhere

along the line I feel Miriam and I missed a memo

Alan

and I are lost in Scotland and in a garden somewhere in the south of

inverness where guests of honor at a witching ritual i'm feeling remarkably

underdressed for the occasion our host susan is about to cast a

circle that she claims will help us communicate with whatever or whoever we

believe in i call on earth to bind my swell ere to speed its travel

well bright as fire shall it glow swift as waters tied to flow

count the elements fourfold and in the fifth the spell shall hold

i summon stir and call ye ye mighty ones of spirits of witchdom to witness these

rites and to guard this circle now

d is going to give you all a stone

The stone is a vessel for us to fill with all our negative thoughts.

Allow that energy to go into your stone.

Now that space that has been created, fill that space with thoughts of peace.

As you go about your days, allow that peace and healing to be a light to

others that you encounter on your journey in this life.

Guardians, thank you for your presence here.

Hail and farewell.

That is a proper ritual.

Thank you. It was enlightening, actually.

No, very special. Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you very much. Good night. Thank you so much.

Well, that's certainly not what I expected when I woke up this morning.

But, of course, it's all food for thought.

There was nothing evil.

No. Or threatening about that at all. Or even particularly mysterious.

It was just all earthy.

And cake.

I mean, what's not to like?

It made me weep.

Did it? Because I was thinking of the last time that I held...

A little stoners about two years ago when I put stones on my parents grave.

What is that about that Rex? I've been to all these Jewish cemeteries and

there's little people. Yes Well, that's what you do to show that you've been

there. We don't leave flowers because flowers die.

Yeah, I like that Cheers Cheers Slunch and L'chaim

Slunch L'chaim

It's the morning after the night before, and the skeletons are really coming out

of the closet.

You ever been arrested?

Yes. What for?

Parking on a double yellow line. Shut up. You got arrested for that.

I was arrested because I said you've got a dick that small,

and he called that a breach of the peace.

Well... Only if it was correct. It's only a tiny piece.

Miriam reminds me of my granny, Margaret, who didn't play by the rules

either and always taught me it was OK to be different.

Before we return to Ard Gower for the premiere of our Gaelic song, I want to

make another quick pit stop in Inverness at a special place that reminds me of my

free-spirited hero.

My granny lived here in Inverness.

And I used to come and visit her, you know, when I was a little boy. And this

bridge is called the Shugley Bridge because it bounces.

Granny used to take me and my brother and we'd all jump up and down on the

bridge. It's like such a great childhood memory for me. Are you expecting me to

jump up and down?

I'll jump up and down for you. Will you? Yeah.

Thank you.

After you.

The bridge's shugliness, that's shakiness to all you non-Scots, is due

to the deck being suspended by cables.

Love the noise, too.

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

As safe as any suspension bridge.

That's true.

Oh, that was fun. I always feel like I'm connecting with my granny here.

Nice. Yeah.

I think I've got a suspension bra.

Is there some clattering?

Well, it was certainly a boontzing.

But now it's time for us to bounce, as the kids would say, and head back to

Ardgower.

Is that Ben there? Is that one there?

I think that is it. And it just looks like a wee... Oh, shit. Looks like a wee

hill. Oh, my God. Jesus.

Keep your eyes on the driving... Don't distract me, all right?

I have to keep my eyes on the road. It can't be like...

Pointing out mountains to you. Well, I thought you were guiding.

Because you know the highlands well.

I just know the gorbals, though.

I'm just a tart from the slums.

Slum tart.

That's you. Well, you've heard of slum dogs.

Yes, slum tart millionaire. I'm a slum tart. That's you, slum tart millionaire.

My slum tart and I are returning to Watercolor Studios to see if Grigors

worked his magic on our Gaelic song.

Well, I've not never made a record, but I haven't made a record for a very long

time. And have you ever made a record as a percussion artist?

See?

Never say never, Miriam.

But we're not just here to listen to the song.

Our Gower doesn't get many world premieres.

So the studio owners, Nick and Marianne, have invited friends, relatives and

locals to witness its first ever live performance.

Is my percussion bit still in?

It's in there. Yeah, yeah, it's embedded in the mix, so you can just hear a

wee... in there.

Hilarious. It's a bit of a thrill.

It's all kind of mixed in. You don't hear so many of the individual sounds.

It's mainly the vocals.

I'm sure it is. It comes to the very front of the mix. It's all right,

darling. I'm not offended.

We're going to sing this. We'll sing this live.

We're going to have the world premiere of Fairy Woman's Lullaby.

I'm going to fart now. Oh, no.

Must be all the excitement.

Well, it may not be Broadway, but it's a magnificent place to premiere any work.

I've already done my part.

But Alan had better get in a bit of last-minute practice.

Ladies and gentlemen, a real treat now, because we have your Grigor Lauri

and our Alan Cumming, who is also your Alan Cumming.

And they're going to sing an old Gaelic song.

Called the fairy woman's lullaby. So it's my joy to introduce Gregor

and Alan

Thank you.

Oh

Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

That was delicious. Isn't it nice?

It's going to be great.

Next time, Miriam and I start our final week in Scotland on a mission to make a

vegan version of a local delicacy. Just a finger.

Miriam takes a novel approach to our national sport.

My tits are in the way.

Nailed it!

There you go.

And we're on to our final destination, Edinburgh.

For a confessional over a cuppa. I had to swear on the Bible that I would never

sleep with a woman again.

What? You never told me that.

So that's next week. Move to the slightly earlier time of nine o'clock.

Or for more exploration with half the number of wheels, David O'Doherty's

taking famous faces along for the ride. Comedy mixes with cycling, which is a

very specific Venn diagram. Check it out on all four right now. Well, not right

now. We've got staff next. Let's flats next. Can you wait till after that?